03x02 - Never the Twain

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Narrator: robert young.

And jane wyatt.

[Laughter]

With elinor donahue, billy
gray, and lauren chapin

In father knows best.

And you met him on the
dude ranch last summer?

Sure, on our vacation.

He works on the h-bar j ranch.

Here's another picture of
him. I took this one in the corral.

Is he that good-looking?
Oh, much better.

These snapshots don't
do him justice honestly.

Oh, uh, here's one. You
can see him much better.

Oh, betty.

His real name's elwin kramer,
but everyone calls him utah.

He's 22 and about 10 feet
tall with shoulders like this!

And he's coming here
to... To... To see you?

Sure. I'll read you his letter.

"Dear betty, it
seems like a long time

"Since you were here on
the ranch with your folks.

"It's hard to believe it
was just this past summer.

"A lot... Uh,

"A lot of guests have come
and gone out here at the h-bar j,

But the week you
were here was..."

[Chuckles]

And there's a lot of...
A lot of personal stuff

You wouldn't be interested in.

Oh, read it. Read it.
No, that's not fair.

Oh, and, "here's the
reason I'm writing.

"I'm going on a train to chicago

"And would like to stop
in springfield to see you.

"I will be there
next saturday...

It's today. "About 7:30.

"Hope you will
receive this letter

"And that you'll be at
home saturday night.

"Looking forward
to seeing you again.

Yours truly, utah."

He's gonna be here
tonight. Tonight.

I'll come over.

Don't you dare.

[Canned laughter]

Oh, jenny, have you ever
met someone who is perfect?

Who is everything
you'd dreamed about?

Handsome, gracious, kind,

Strong, silent, brave,

Intelligent, romantic.

[Doorbell rings]

Somebody's at the back door!

I'll get it!

Hi, kathy. Betty
home? Sure. Come on in.

Betty!

Bob's here!

Bob.

I have to be going anyway.

[Soft music]

See you, betty.

All my thoughts will
be with you tonight.

[Canned laughter]

[Door clicks open, closes]

I... I thought I'd
come by and see you.

I haven't seen you hardly since
you got back from your vacation.

Are you sore at me or anything?

Oh, no. Everything
is fine, utah.

[Canned laughter] utah?

Oh, i... I mean, bob.

I've been thinking about
so many other things.

I forget names.

It's pretty hard to forget mine.

You've known it since
we were in kindergarten.

[Whistling]

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you
kids were here.

♪ ♪

What's happened to
her, mr. Anderson?

She's acted funny ever
since you came back

From your vacation
in that dude ranch.

Oh, bob, at some
time or another,

Every girl dreams of meeting
a knight on a white horse,

A prince charming.

And betty thinks she's met one.

A prince? Named utah?

[Canned laughter]

Say, dad, huh?

What time is utah gonna be here?

Uh, you better check with betty.

She can probably tell
you to the split second.

Oh, I gotta know exactly.

Why?

Well, bunch of the
guys from school

Have never seen a real cowboy,

And they want to be
here when he comes.

In the house?

Oh, no, outside.

They're bringing their
own camping stools

And boxes and stuff.

I told them they can
sit in the driveway.

[Canned laughter]

Well, that ought to be a sight.

Are you going to sell tickets?

I was going to, but they
said, if I made them pay,

They'd sit across the street.

Well I'd just forget
the whole thing.

If, uh, utah wants a welcoming
committee, it'll be betty.

[Comical music]

♪ ♪

Daddy, help me with
this, will you, please?

[Chuckles]

I take it this is also
in honor of utah.

[Grunts] [chuckles]

I can only find one boot.

Do you think he'll mind?

No, I don't think so.

Just tell him one foot is
east and the other is west,

And never the twain shall meet.

[Canned laughter]

Huh?

Yeah. Okay!

[Chuckles]

[Door opens, closes]

[Sighs]

Hmm, problems?

No, no, I was
thinking about betty.

You know, I'm kind
of sorry in a way

Utah is coming here tonight.

Why? There's nothing serious
between utah and betty.

I know, but...

Hey, come on in the living room.

I want to show you something.

Come on.

I sorted out all the pictures
we took at the ranch last summer

And put them in my album.

Oh. Oh, you got to see them.

Ugh.

Here's the first
one I took of utah.

[Laughs] isn't he wonderful?

He's a doll, no
doubt about that.

What you got?
Pictures? Let me see.

Oh, I want to
see! I want to see!

Just like at theaters:
someone always coming in late.

I want to see it.
Remember this one?

I took this just after
we arrived at the ranch.

Oh, sure, there's mr. Johnson.

Wasn't he a wonderful host?

Okay, I got it.

Well, these are the
andersons, mr. Johnson.

We have 'em all sizes.

You think you can
handle this crew?

Sure. Got your rooms
all ready for you.

Oh, good. Good.

Does the h. Bar j.
Stand for your name?

Yes, harvey johnson.

And I may as well tell
you folks right now,

Everybody out here
goes by their first name.

([Chuckles) I'm
harvey, that's earl.

And you'll meet
the rest of the boys:

Curly, utah, and ace. Uh-huh.

Mr. Harvey, is this a
horse that shrank?

Oh, kathy, that's a burro.

His name is nemo.

He'll be all yours
while you're here, kathy.

Ride him wherever
you want to go,

And he'll always
bring you back home.

My own burro.

We'll give each
one of you a horse.

One of the boys will go with
you wherever you want to ride.

I'll, uh, just show
you the trails.

Earl here will take
you to your rooms.

Now, get out of
those dude outfits

And, uh, get into your levi's.

Supper will be on pretty quick.

That's for me!

Oh, ho. Mail.

Thanks, utah.

[Romantic music]

Come on, boy!

♪ ♪

[Birds chirping]

[Sighs] you don't see
anything like that in the city.

You certainly don't.

[Canned laughter]

[Sighs]

Either I got these
boots too small...

Or I got my feet too big.

[Canned laughter]

[Knocks]

Hey, you're dressed?

Okay, let's get
this herd a-movin'!

I'm starved.

[Knocks]

All you dudes and dudettes,
city slickers on slick,

It's time for chow! Hey,
you guys look great.

How about me? I look
like an old hand, huh?

[Laughs] you'll look
like an older hand

If you take the price
tag off those pants.

Oh, mommy, help.

[Bell ringing] come and get it!

Listen to that ol' man!

Oh, let's eat!

Come on, last one
downstairs is a coyote!

[Laughing]

Coming, betty?

In a minute.

What's the big attraction?

[Sighs]

That's a good-looking horse.

[Canned laughter]

Father... Would
you do me a favor?

Such as?

When we go downstairs...

Will you ask
mr. Johnson who he is?

The handsome young
man on the golden horse.

I'll ask him.

Oh.

But don't tell him I
asked you to ask him.

Oh, heavens, no.

[Canned laughter]

Well, how are you
folks getting along?

Oh, wonderful. Are you
getting enough to eat?

I should say so.

Ask him.

Ask him.

Ask him.

We don't have a woman in
the kitchen, I'm sorry to say.

This is a bachelor outfit.

Old ace does the cooking
with earl helping out,

But we manage to
get along all right.

[Thumps]

All right. Give me a chance.

[Canned laughter]

Harvey, uh, we
were a little c...

I'm, uh, curious
about the young boy

Who rode up with the
mail as we were coming in,

The boy on the palomino.

Oh, that's utah, one
of my ranch hands,

The youngest one of the
bunch but good, very good.

Well, what does he do?

O... On the ranch, I mean.

Rides fence.

Herds cattle.

Of course, during
the summer season,

When we have guests
on the ranch, like now,

He helps folks with their horses

And takes 'em on rides into the
back country, sort of a guide.

Oh, you never have
to worry about utah.

[Chuckles] is he
from your family?

No.

Good-looking boy, isn't he?

[Canned laughter]

[Sighs]

I-i hadn't noticed.

[Canned laughter]

Well, you folks wanna
ride in the morning?

Sure. That's what
we're here for.

Good.

I'll have your horses saddled
up for ya after breakfast.

And, kathy, you can
round up old nemo. Mm!

Will we have a guide?

You bet.

He'll be waiting for you
when you're ready to go.

Enjoy your meal, folks.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Laughs]

Hm. How about that?

Riding into the mountains
with our own horses and guide?

[Laughs] man!

Wait till you see
me riding on nemo.

I'll go like a rocket.

[Laughter]

Betty, what are you counting?

Didn't harvey say

That the guides were
curly, ace, and utah?

Yeah, I hope we get curly.

You traitor.

[Canned laughter]

Father, couldn't you maybe
suggest to harvey that... Well,

[Chuckles] maybe, i...

That would be a little
obvious, wouldn't it?

No, I'm afraid we have to
leave it in the hands of fate.

We'll see what
happens in the morning.

Oh-ho! Here we are.

[Ripping] hey.

[Laughter]

[Comical music]

[Grunts]

[Canned laughter]

[Birds chirping]

Ow.

Nemo, you're a bad burro!

Don't blame him, silly.

You're not getting on him right.

Have you seen utah?

No.

Oh, where's bud?

Um, over there.

If you and your folks are
going riding, here they are.

Well, which one's my horse?

Uh, you take tommy.

He's about your size.

We'll put your mother on cleo.

She's gentle.

And your dad can
take barney here,

And sis can have silver.

[Birds chirping]

Mr. Ace, can I
have a real horse?

Well, what's the
matter with nemo?

He doesn't like me.

Oh, I can't believe that.

Nemo likes everybody.

Well, are we ready
to hit the trail?

They're all saddled up.

Barney there is
yours, jim. Right.

And sis can take,
uh, silver over there.

Right. Eh, come on, papoose.

We'll put you aboard the ship.

Up! Whoa! Yehey!

Look it, I'm on.

[Chuckles]

And if you lose the reins,

You can always
hang on to the ears.

[Laughing]

Have you seen utah?

No.

Oh, harvey said one of the
boys will be going with us.

Yup.

I'm your boy.

[Canned laughter]

Oh!

Let's go.

[Clopping]

Hey! Eh?

[Clopping]

Uh, harvey wants
you to go into town.

I'll takeover.

This here is utah.

He's scarce out of his rompers,

But, um, he'll take
good care of ya.

Come on, giddy-up.

Any place special
you folks like to go?

Oh, we'll leave that up to you,

So long as it isn't too far.

I don't know how long
kathy is gonna last on,

Uh, daddy long ears.

[Canned laughter]

Anyone like to ride
up front with me?

♪ ♪

[Canned laughter]

[Horse neighs]

♪ ♪

[Canned laughter]

♪ ♪

What's happened
to betty and utah?

Oh, they're coming.

What a view.

Certainly was worth
the ride up here.

Yeah? You weren't riding nemo.

[Canned laughter]

It feels as though
you could see clearly

At the edge of the world.

Hey, there's the
ranch way down there.

[Birds chirping]

Yeah.

Wouldn't you like to be a bird
and just fly out into the sky?

There's a mysterious spell
comes over a person out here.

The city, everything we know

Seems long ago and far away.

One could easily be convinced
that it doesn't exist at all.

And the sorcerer in the wind
enchantment at every side.

[Chuckles]

I told you a lie.

Harvey didn't want
ace to go into town.

I just said that

Because I wanted to
ride up here with you.

Was that all right?

You shouldn't have told a lie.

[Canned laughter]

Something tells me,

Harvey isn't going to
get very much work

Out of utah this week.

[Canned laughter]

Eh, this feed's been
sitting here for three days.

I reckon, I better
put it in the barn.

Come on, I'll help ya.

[Canned laughter]

Oh, wait.

Those bags ain't filled
with chicken feathers.

[Canned laughter]

You need some help.

Where's utah?

Utah!

[Canned laughter]

Women.

[Canned laughter]

Utah!

[Canned laughter]

Utah!

[Canned laughter]

Well, you folks
enjoying yourselves?

Completely, life
was never better.

This week has barely flown.

It's been wonderful.

Oh, we hate to go back tomorrow.

All of us here are gonna
be sorry to see you go,

Especially utah.

[Birds chirping]

Thought we'd have a
little shindig tonight,

Kind of a farewell
party for you folks.

Oh, it's fine, harvey.

Oh, we'll be on in.

Yah!

Hey, look here, I got him going.

Yah!

[Canned laughter]

Hey, you're going through
the sound barrier next.

[Canned laughter]

It's too bad you'd have
to go home so soon.

[Birds chirping]

But I guess you're anxious to
get back to see your friends.

Aren't you?

Not especially.

There's going to be
kind of a party tonight.

Where?

Over at the house,
for you and your folks.

[Dramatic music]

It'll probably be the
last time I get to see you.

I have to ride out of here
before sunup in the morning

And...

Check some cattle
in the upper range.

♪ ♪

See you tonight.

♪ ♪

I guess you like him
pretty much, huh?

[Country music]

I guess this is where
we say goodbye.

Guess it is.

[Birds chirping]

I'm sure gonna miss you, betty.

It's been a wonderful week.

Thanks... For everything.

♪ ♪

I wanted to give you something

To take with you when
you went away, and, i...

I thought you might like this.

[Cow lows]

I'm kind of proud of it, but...

I want you to have it.

♪ ♪

[Applause]

You did a nice job with
the pictures, betty.

They'll always help us
remember a wonderful week.

Well, when do we leave?

I'm ready to go back. [Laughter]

We sure had a swell time.

We sure did.

That week on the ranch
is the most heavenly week

Of my entire life.

Now, do you and mother
understand why I'm so excited?

How it means so much
to me to see utah again.

We understand, dear.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Tonight he'll be
here in this room.

Tonight I'll...

Oh, he's going
to be here at 7:30,

I've only got two
hours to get dressed.

[Canned laughter]

Oh, don't just sit
there, everybody.

Do something!

[Canned laughter]

Two hours to get dressed.

What's she going to
put on, a diving suit?

[Laughter]

And mother, make bud
and kathy get cleaned up!

All right, all right.

And when he gets here, keep
them out of the living room.

[Canned laughter]

If we're not
going to be in here,

Why do we have
to get cleaned up?

Mother! Mother!

I'll be right there.

What goes with her anyway?

I think betty's following
the whimsical old adage

That says, "when in
danger and in doubt,

Run in circle,
scream and shout."

[Laughs] mother!

I'm coming!

For pete's sake,
she's in a real storm.

What do you want us to do, mom?

Batten down the hatches,

I'm going up and see
if I can steady the ship.

[Canned laughter]

Oh, hurry, it's 7:30 right now!

Now, I'm hurrying
as fast as I can.

I've only got two
hands, you know.

Oh, you think utah will
like my hair this way?

Well, he'd like you to
be standing straight up

And fastened with baling wire.

There, how's that?

All right, I guess.

Well, how do I look?

Well, you're a vision
of devastating beauty.

When utah sees you,
he'll fall in a dead faint

And there you'll be.

Oh, I can picture exactly
how it's going to be.

As I come down the stairs,

He'll be standing in
the hall waiting for me.

He'll have 'em one of
those western suits

With the... The
piping on the pockets

And... And the tailored coat.

And he'll be wearing one of
those tricky little string ties

With a pleated shirt.

Oh, isn't he handsome?

[Doorbell dings]

Oh, there he is!

He's here.

Hey, sis!

Stop shouting! [Canned laughter]

Father?

I'll let him in,
princess. Relax.

[Sighs]

Just be calm.

Oh, I can't wait
to see him. [Giggles]

Betty, utah is here!

[Exciting music]

♪ ♪

[Comical music]

♪ ♪

[Canned laughter]

Utah.

Hello, betty.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

It's sure swell
to see you again.

Well, it's nice
to see you, utah.

[Canned laughter]

How have you been?

I'm fine.

♪ ♪

W... Why don't we go in the
living room and... And sit down.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

We certainly had a
wonderful time last summer.

We sure did.

♪ ♪

How's mr. Johnson?

Oh, he's fine.

[Canned laughter]

♪ ♪

And ace?

He's fine too.

[Canned laughter]

♪ ♪

I better go, I guess.

My train leaves...
In about an hour.

[Canned laughter]

♪ ♪

It's been nice seeing
you again, betty.

Well, it... It's been
nice seeing you.

I hope you have a good trip.

Thanks.

♪ ♪

Goodbye, betty.

Bye, utah.

♪ ♪

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Father, what happened?

Well, princess, you just
learned a lesson in life.

The week we spent at the ranch
was a week in another world,

Romantic, make-believe
kind of world.

Everything was
touched with magic.

But you can't bring anything
back from that world into ours.

Look at the star in the
sky, how brightly it shines.

But when a piece of
the star falls to earth,

It becomes just
another piece of rock.

The swan on a lake is a
creature of beauty and grace.

Take him out of the
lake onto the dry land,

He's a big awkward duck.

It wasn't utah who came
to see us tonight, really.

That was a stranger.

Utah is back on the ranch
just the way you remember him.

Keep him that way.

He'll never change.

He'll always be the handsome
boy on the golden horse.

[Doorbell dings]

♪ ♪

Oh, hello, bob. Come on
in. Thanks, mrs. Anderson.

Is betty...

[Door closes]

Hello, bob.

♪ ♪

Hi, betty.

Would you like to go to a show?

All right.

♪ ♪

Bye, we won't be late.

Goodbye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Goodbye.

[Applause]

[Theme music]