06x19 - All the World's a Stage

[bunniefuu]

Mike: Dad, look, I need a favour, I'm late for my night class and the car won't start.

Jason: Ok, here.Take mine.

Mike: Great!

Jason: And I'm running low on gas.Here's a twenty.

Mike: Oh, gee whiz dad.Thanks.

Maggie: Jason that was Mike.

Jason: It sure was.

Carol: You just gave him your car.

Chrissy: I don't even lend him my toys.

Jason: Come on.He hasn't missed a single night class in three months.He finally cares about school.Why would I not lend a young man like that my car?

Chrissy: The poor dumb shlum.

Ben: Aright!

Jason: And Maggie, if I am way off base here, just speak up.

Maggie: Not in front of the children.

Jason: Kate!

Jason: How are you?I haven't seen you for months.Look who's here.

Kate: Hi.

Maggie: Hey.Nice to see you.

Kate: Good to see you too.Where is Mike?

Carol: He just left.

Kate: It's Tuesday.It's my night to drive.

Maggie: Is this fishnet stocking night a English class?

Kate: English class?

Maggie: At Boynton.You are both at night school.

Kate: Why would I go to Boynton?I went to a real college.

Jason: Well if you and Mike aren't going to night class, where are you going?

Kate: Same place we've been going for the passed three months.

Mike: Kate, you are late.

Kate: Why didn't you tell me that you parents didn't know about this job?

Mike: Because I...what?Where did you see my parents?

Kate: At your house.It's Tuesday.It's my turn to drive.

Mike: Oh my gosh.

Mike and Kate: On Broadway.

Kate: Excuse me.The least you could do is apologize.

Mike: For what?

Kate: I felt like a fool Mike.I got caught in the middle of your lie.

Mike: What about me.I am caught in the middle of your lie.

Kate: Good.

Lady: You better cover your tables.It's getting ugly over there.

Kate: You know it's at times like this that I am really happy we're not dating.

Mike: What do you mean?Come on, we go out every week.

Kate: No, I mean dating dating.

Mike: Oh, you want me to pay?

Kate: Mike, why did you have to lie to your parents?When are you going to grow up and tell them that you are a singing waiter?

Kate: Well apparently tonight.

Jason: Honey, all the punishments we have ever come up with, none of them have ever worked.

Maggie: Well what are you going to do to him?

Maggie: Well I will so long as you give me the poker.

Mike: Uh, hey dad.Did you hear the news?Kate's been institutionalized for being a pathological liar.He's not going to buy that.Right Mike, it's time to face this like a man.Goodnight dad.

Mike: Uh dad.Where's the poker?

Jason: Mum's got it upstairs in the bed.

Mike: Oh.

Jason: Sit!

Mike: Ok.

Jason: That fire's getting kind of low isn't it?I guess you are probably wondering why I am burning your books.

Mike: These are my books?

Jason: Yeah.

Mike: Dad.

Jason: From that night school class you haven't been attending.

Mike: Oh uh, look look dad.I can explain all this.

Jason: Uh hu.Mike can you and I just be honest with each other?

Mike: Well uh uh um um.I'm a little afraid of what that might do to our relationship dad.

Jason: I've been wrong Mike.I've been a hundred percent wrong.

Mike: Pardon me.

Jason: I've been wrong about forcing you to stay in school.

Mike: Oh.Well I guess we should have tried this honesty thing a long time ago.

Jason: Just because I've this thing, and I want you to have security in this insecure world, and I think you should have a degree...that doesn't mean you should have the same dream.Your dream is to act Mike.I want you to follow that dream one thousand percent.Do it!I'm behind you all the way.

Mike: How far behind me?

Maggie: Honey, you didn't come to bed last night.

Jason: You know there is no traffic in Manhattan at five in the morning.

Maggie: What were you doing in Manhattan?

Jason: I need to be there Maggie to pick up my copies of Variety, Backstage, Casting Call.

Maggie: Oh, so Mike convinced you to become an actor too, did he?

Jason: This Maggie is Mike's hopes and dreams.And this is the real world.Any questions?

Mike: Mum, dad, my alarm clock just went off at six am.I don't even have an alarm clock.

Jason: Oh, you do now Mike.It's breakfast.Sit!Sit!

Mike: Hu?

Mike: Yeah.

Jason: Right here Mike.I've circled a few things that I thought you might be right for.

Mike: Mum!

Maggie: I don't know.

Mike: Dad, isn't this a little early to be talking about auditioning?

Jason: Come on.If you are going to go for it, you've got to get up and go for it.Look at this?Looking for a lovable, irresponsible doofus.Maggie, it's our boy.

Maggie: Maybe not just him.

Mike: I could play this.

Mike: Alright.

Jason: Wait a minute, you are going to need some lunch money.

Mike: Wow.

Jason: Alright.

Mike: Thanks dad.

Jason: Yep yep, it's working Maggie.

Maggie: Really?

Jason: Sometimes I frighten myself.

Maggie: Sweetheart, this is our marriage.This is your plan.Many questions?

Mike: Hi, I'm Mike Seaver.I'm here to read for the part of the...

Receptionist: The lovable, irresponsible, doofus.

Mike: I'm a natural.

Receptionist: we are running and hour late.The producer is getting a little behind.

Mike: Oh oh, no problem.I'm in no hurry.I've got no place else to go.

Receptionist: That is so sad.

Mike: It could be a lot worse.I could be in school getting an education.

Man: I hear you.

Mike: Oh hey, hey hey!Isn't that that famous actor from that old show "Law Force"?

Man: I don't know.I only watch PBS.

Lionel: That's pretty good kid.

Lionel: Easy kid.You are going to explode.

Mike: You've got a sense of humour like regular people.that's great.Ah, wa wa, you're not reading for the part of the lovable doofus are you?Cos if I'm reading against you I don't stand a chance.I mean look, I don't ant to humiliate myself.

Lionel: Kid.Relax.Would an EMMI award winning star of his own prime time television series be reading for a bit part?Think.

Mike: About what?Oh, no, of course not.

Lionel: See actually they are adding a new leading man to the Big City Secrets, so if I like the script thing might happen.

Mike: Ok.

Lionel: You've got to be real careful what kind of television you do.

Mike: I for one only do colour.

Receptionist: Mr.Douglas.

Lionel: Yes.Oh hey kid.Good luck.You'll make a great doofus.

Jason: Ho ho ho.I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.I'm in luck.

Maggie: Well playing mind games on your son sure makes you giddy.

Jason: I can't help it.I'm sorry, I just imagine all those doors being slammed in his face and I get goose bumps.Here, feel.

Maggie: Why don't you let yourself go?Maybe he got hit by a bus.

Jason: Hopefully the school bus.I'm kidding Maggie, but we had no choice.

Maggie: We!I wasn't consulted.

Jason: The reason I didn't consult you was that I didn't think you'd agree with me.

Maggie: Well damn right I wouldn't agree.It makes me feel bad to wish for my son's failure.

Jason: Honey with his dreams of acting and the odds against that, he's just going to have his hopes and dreams crushed.And who better to crush them that the people who love him most?

Maggie: Well maybe if he finds out that sometimes your dreams don't work out, he'll finally concentrate on school.

Jason: So we are agreed?

Maggie: Yeah, we are agree.

Jason: Now when he comes in here all disappointed and down and hurting and everything, don't you go giggling.

Maggie: I won't.

Jason: Good.Ha ha ha.Some days I love being a parent.

Mike: Mum, dad!

Jason: Think bad thoughts, think bad thoughts.

Mike: Mum, dad, the best news you've ever heard in your whole life.And mum, that's not an age joke.

Jason: What is it?

Mike: Ok dad, remember that soap opera audition you told me about?For the part of the lovable doofus?

Jason: You got the part, didn't you?

Mike: No, no.I was a terrible doofus.

Jason: Thank god.Don't scare me like that.

Mike: But look, they said that I had something special.They said I was an interesting type.They said that I am the new leading man on Big City Secrets!

Maggie: Wo!Wo!Wo!Yeah!

Mike: Yeah.Dad and I owe it all to you.

Carol: Mum wants to know if you are sure you don't want any dinner?

Jason: No.

Carol: Mum!He's pouting.

Ben: Hey dad.Do you mind if I watch the women's wrestling before I buckle down and study?

Jason: Nope.

TV: Ladies and gentleman.Particularly the gentlemen.That's what I like to call a leg lock.

Jason: Ben is there anything that you are interested in that you might want me to encourage?

Ben: Nothing.

Jason: Ben promise me that they day will never come that you will stop listening to me?Ok?

Ben: Hu?

TV: Are there no rules of decency?

Jason: Actually this women's wrestling is a little distracting Ben.Go!

Chrissy: Hi Daddy.

Jason: Hi sweetheart.

Chrissy: I've been thinking, I want to be an actress like Mike.

Jason: Hu?

Chrissy: Mum put me up to it.

Maggie: Thank you sweetheart.

Chrissy: It's ok.I enjoyed it.

Maggie: Sweetheart, I merely wanted to demonstrate that things could be worse.

Jason: Honey we've lost him.I mean he's never going to go back to school.he's not going to get an education.I mean sure, maybe this job will last a year, two years, maybe three years.But then what is he going to do?

Maggie: Oh honey, you should have a little faith.I mean maybe, maybe, he'll be a celebrity.I mean there is always a call for someone to open a supermarket, or host a beauty pageant, or be a grand martial of a parade.

Jason: Call that a life?

Maggie: I know, I know.I feel as badly as you do.well, maybe not as bad a you do because it wasn't my hair brained idea.

TV: I'll tell you what I've learned tonight.Once a woman finds a weakness, she jumps all over it.

Lady: If you don't hold still, you are likely to get a pin stuck some place that could be detrimental to your career as a leading man.

Mike: A leading man.

Lady: You're done.

Mike: Thanks.

Kate: There he is.

Security guard: Anywhere else you'd like to go without a pass?I'll take you there.

Kate: Well thank you Dave.

Security Guard: Not my name, not my shirt.

Kate: Mike!

Mike: Kate hi, what a surprise!Good to see you.

Kate: I just wanted to tell you I am so happy for you.

Mike: Oh thank you.Thank you.

Kate: The g*ng at Sullivan's dedicated "on Broadway" to you last night.

Mike: Oh really.

Kate: A star.You are starring on a soap opera.

Mike: I know.I can't believe it either.

Kate: Oh that reminds me.

Mike: A Christmas tree ornament?

Kate: No.It's a star for your dressing room.

Mike: Oh thank you Kate.Hey hey hey look.I'm really sorry I got mad at you.and just for the record, you were right.I mean I really should have told you Dad that I was ducking that class three months ago.

Kate: Michael, I do believe you are growing up.

Mike: Kate, do you remember that television actor on that old show, uh, Law Force?

Kate: Yeah, the eon e with the broad shoulders?

Mike: No, no, no.The one with the cute butt.Lionel Douglas.Do you want to meet him?

Kate: He's here?

Mike: Yeah, he's a buddy of mine.He was going for a role in the same show.I guess it worked out for him too.Hey Lionel!My man!How's it going?

Lionel: Who are you?

Mike: You remember yesterday at the audition?

Lionel: Au yes, that's right.You are the Seaver kid.

Mike: That's right.

Lionel: I understand you got the role of Strom Waverly.

Mike: The third.Yes, so who did you get?The second?

Lionel: Not exactly.

Lady: Are you my doofus?

Lionel: Yeah.It's too small.I'm going to look silly.

Lady: My job is done.

Mike: You, you're playing the doofus?

Lionel: Yeah.My agent and I.we both talked about this and we decided that what my career needs right now is a good character role.You know, something that really shows my range.

Lionel: You smug little flash in the pan.

Mike: What did I say?

Lionel: Look!I got to take this job cos it's the only thing I got.But don't expect I'm going to take any crap from you.

Mike: Hey man.I'm sorry.

Lionel: Yeah.Well come talk to me after you've won an EMI and no one will hire you.And then come see me when everyone starts asking you who you used to be.

Kate: Mike, it's not your fault.

Mike: Man, he was really upset.

Kate: I don't think he meant it.I mean I'm sure you'd say a lot of things you didn't mean if you were a big star and then ended up on the bottom.

Mike: Hi I'm Mike Seaver rand I'm here to...

Receptionist: Over there.

Girl: Oh!Wow!Wow!That old show Big City Secrets.You're Mike Seaver.

Mike: Easy kid, you're going to explode.

Girl: Oh god.I loved that show.I never missed a single episode.It was because of you I went into acting.Oh god, you are awesome.What ever happened to you?

Receptionist: Alright!Alright!Who is here to read for the part of the Gadabba?Girl: You!But a person who has starred in his own network series would never try out for a part so, so stiff.

Girl: You!But a person who has starred in his own network series would never try out for a part so, so stiff.

Mike: That's what I thought too.

Kate: So Mike, where do you want to go celebrate?

Mike: I don't know.

Kate: Hey!Forgot your star.

Jason: Maggie!Maggie!This horseshoe cake is hmm, hmm good.

Maggie: So you got your appetite back?

Jason: Not only that Maggie, but I've got a new plan.I call it plan B.

Maggie: Oh no.

Maggie: And where is that Jason?

Jason: Well you are going to love this because....and its simple Maggie, so simple, simplicity.Just like all great ideas.the wheel.Starting with the wheel.Square was bumpy.Round was...

Maggie: Just say it.

Maggie: Uh hu.And how much are you prepared to pay Mike to go to school?

Jason: Every cent that we have.What do you think?

Maggie: Jason, you have done it again.

Jason: Yeah.Right, do you want to be part of telling him this new idea.

Maggie: No, no, no.I don't want to lose the basis for any future legal action.

Mike: Dad.Hey, you got a minute?

Mike: I've been thinking.

Mike: No, go ahead.

Jason: What?

Jason: Go ahead first.Ok, I'll go first.Mike, how would you like to make some big, big money at home?

Mike: Uh, well, I really don't know if I'm going to have any time between my job and school.

Jason: But just hear me out Mike, and I think you are going to make time because you...what do you mean?What do you mean school?

Jason: You're mocking me aren't you Mike?

Jason: What do you mean you're finally just getting it now?

Mike: Dad, I'm just sorry I didn't listen to you sooner.

Jason: Well uh, ok.

Mike: Well uh, what were you saying about big big bucks at home?

Jason: Oh, that was chores, you know.Mowing the lawn, minimum wage.

Mike: Oh.Hu.

Jason: Maggie!Mike's going back to college.Ahooga chacku yeah yeah!

Maggie: Exactly how much are we paying you to go back to school?

Mike: Paying me to go to school?

Jason: Yeah, that was one of your mother's half baked ideas.