06x10 - Mister Sister

[bunniefuu]

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪



Okay, now don't roll
the dough too thin.

The cookies will burn
in the oven.

Why can't we get them
at the store

like everybody else does?

It's more fun this way.

This is a special time

between a mommy
and her little boy.

You know, just the two of us
here together,

kind of working,
sharing, creating.

Mom, they're just cookies.

Whoa! Okay, guy,
we'll try it again tomorrow.

- Hey, hot cookies.
- Spud Webb.

Hey, Andy.

Andy, what are you wearing?

An apron.

Take that off this minute.

Guys don't wear aprons.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's my apron.

This is a totally inappropriate
activity for Andy.

I mean, uh, making cookies?

It's one step away
from having his nails done.

That's tomorrow.

All right, it's time
for the guys to take over,

teach him a little grit.

That's ridiculous.

We've-we've been raising him
in a sensitive,

nonsexist atmosphere
for almost six years now.

Everything's worked out fine,
right, Steven?

Well, um, you know, uh...

sure, sure.

But there's, uh, there's nothing
wrong with a little balance.

Little yin, a little, uh...

Yang.

...yang.

Maybe it's, uh,

maybe it's time
to try something different,

something guy-ish.

Want to go shave?

Hey, how about basketball, huh?

Basketball.

It'll teach you
the thrill of competition,

the exhilaration of exercise,
the reward of team spirit.

You just want someone
you can b*at, Alex.

Hey, I b*at you, blondie.

You wouldn't have
beaten me, Alex,

if you'd have let me
use both hands.

Oh, I thought I heard Nick
down here.

(deep voice):
Hey.

- What's going on?
- Thanks.

Um, Nick had a job interview.

He's supposed
to come over here afterwards.

What kind of job
is Nick trying to get now?

It's a grant.
I saw the job listing on campus,

and I knew Nick
would be perfect for it.

What is it?

Dean of Admissions.

I'll keep
my fingers crossed, Mal.

- Oh, thanks, Jen.
- (knocking)

Hey, what happened?

Did you get it?
When do you start?

Aw, Mal.

I didn't get the job.

You know, I don't think

I'm going to be
Dean of Admissions.

I am shocked.

- I, for one, am flabbergasted.
- Stunned.

That's an outrage.

Why not?

You know, for one thing,

the job starts
at : in the morning,

and I like to do my art then.

Either that or lie there
and stare at the ceiling.

You don't want to give that up.

What about being
Dean of Admissions

for night school?

Nah, Mal, you know,

I think this whole dean area
is a dead issue.

You can head up
the English Department.

There was this other job

that they thought
I might be right for.

Oh, janitor.

Nick, I think
you're on to something.

There you go. There you go.

Nick, this is the janitor job
at my sorority.

I'm the one who wrote the ad.

"Janitor needed.

Must have previous
trash experience."

How romantic.

Well, you have previous trash
experience, don't you, Nick?

Well, I don't want to toot
my own horn, you know.

This is exciting.

You, my sorority, trash.

It's all coming together.

Okay, there's just
two more applicants

for the janitor job.

Uh, Larry Briganti
and Nick Moore.

Mallory, maybe you should
sit out those interviews.

I mean, with your boyfriend

being one of the applicants
and all.

Karen, I'm going
to be completely

and totally impartial here.

I want what's best
for the sorority.

Well, Mr. Briganti,

can you tell us something
about your qualifications?

I was chairman of the
Custodial Institute of America

from through ,

Ohio Janitor of the Year ,

and inventor
of the world famous Johnny Mop.

Well, that's all fine and good,
but, uh,

have you ever worked
at a sorority before?

Can't say that I have.

Well, do you think
you could handle

a place of this size?

Well, I mean, if the White House
wasn't a problem,

I can't imagine
this place would be.

Well, thank you.

We'll-we'll have
to get back to you.

W-Well, let me know
as soon as you can.

It's either this
or the Taj Mahal.

Nick Moore, please.

(clears throat)

Hey.

That's janitor for "hello."

Sisters, this is Nick Moore.

Let's give him
a nice Gamma Delta Gamma "hi."

WOMEN:
Hi.

So, Nick, um,

can you tell us something
about yourself?

Well, you know, I-I got
to tell youse all right off,

I have no janitorial experience.

I like that.

He's honest.

That's the most important thing
in a janitor.

Look, you know,

uh, I know if it wasn't
for Mal here,

I wouldn't even be considered
for this job,

and, uh, I got to tell youse,
I feel a little bit nervous

being around
all you smart girls.

Oh, Nick, no, don't be, please.

No one's ever been nervous
around us.

No one's ever
called us smart, either.

Uh, you know, I can't help it.

You see, uh,
college is not a place

that I'm all that familiar with.

Uh, actually, uh, high school

is not a place I'm all that...
familiar with, either.

But, uh, reform school, ha!

Now, there's something
we could talk about.

Actually, Nick,

a formal education is not
a requirement for this job.

Hey, then I'm your guy.

But, you know, some-some
interpersonal, uh, qualities

you-you have that we might
not know about could be helpful.

Um, for instance, um, just a...

Are you an artist?

Why, yes, I am.

Oh!

It might be great
having an artist in residence.

He can help us with floats,
banners, posters.

Maybe he could help us
come up with decorations

- for the winter dance.
- Yes.

Well, uh, what seems
to be the problem?

We've tried paper snowflakes,
paper snowmen.

It's just,
it's all been done before.

We've got a wastebasket
full of bad ideas.

Well, wait a minute, here.

Now, uh, what you see
as, uh, bad ideas,

I see as snowballs.

What?

Uh, you see, you could, uh,

you could take
a whole bunch of these and, uh,

crumple them all up
and cut them into snowballs

and have... a winter wonderland

of snowballs
for your sorority dance.

I like that. I like that.
Go with it.

Uh, see, you can, uh,

throw them at each other
and have a fight,

or, uh, you can glue them
together and make a fort,

or you could just
pour water on them

and turn them into slush.

Okay.

All those in favor of Nick?

WOMEN:
Aye.

Well, it's settled.
Welcome, Nick.

Let's all give him

a nice Gamma Delta Gamma
"You're hired."

WOMEN:
You're hired!

Okay, now,
the object of the game

is simply to toss this ball
into the basket.

Humor him.

All right, now try it.

All right.
Well, that's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

Now let me, uh, let me show you
how it's done.

There you go. Oops.

Hey, hey, Dad,
let me have a sh*t.

I think Andy should have
the pleasure

of seeing the ball actually
go through the hoop once.

- Give me the ball.
- Forget it.

- Dad, give me the ball.
- Alex, I'm teaching him.

- Give me the ball!
- I'm teaching him!

Andy, let's get out of here
before it gets ugly.

(Steven and Alex grunting)

Come on. Come on.

Here we go. Hey!

Two points!

Oh!

What is going on?

We're-we're teaching Andy
how to, how to play basketball.

- Andy...
- Andy? (whistles)

I don't want any more basketball
in the house, Steven.

Okay, okay.

You know, he really is
a discipline problem, Mom.

Cheater.

(chuckles):
Yeah.

Oh, hey.

- Hi.
- Hey, you going out?

Oh, yeah.

Nick's coming over
to pick me up.

We're going to go to his place
and watch TV.

How's Nick doing
down at the sorority?

Oh, great.

Um, he gets along really well
with all the girls,

and they all think
he's lots of fun.

So he's always hanging out there
and learning songs and stuff.

I-I really admire
what Nick's doing.

It must be awfully hard
to be a janitor.

Especially at your sorority.

Well, he's really gotten
into it.

You know, he's always there.

But today he's coming over,

and it's just going to be
the two of us together.

We're going to make popcorn
and watch cartoons.

The old think t*nk
in action, huh?

- Have a wonderful time.
- Thanks.

(Nick and women chattering)

Hey.

WOMEN:
Hi.

Um, Nick, what's going on?

Uh, Mal, little change of plans.

We're all going to go
over the football game.

Oh, I-I thought we were going
to spend the afternoon together.

I mean, just the two of us.

Yeah, I know, you know,

but that was before the girls
asked me to go to the game.

You never liked
football before, Nick.

I never knew the cheers before.

But now...

(chanting): Hear us rave.
Hear us rant.

Win team, win.
Let's go, Grant. Hey!

WOMEN:
Hey!

Hey.

This is really scary.

Come on, uh, you know,
it's Sorority Day.

All us girls get in
for half price.

Yeah.

Oh.

I have a lot of homework to do.

So you all go ahead
and have fun.

(groans):
Oh.

All right, babe.

Well, uh,
we'll see you later, huh?

And, uh,
don't work too hard, huh?

WOMEN:
Bye-bye.

NICK and WOMEN:
Hear us rave! Hear us rant!

Win team, win!
Let's go, Grant! Hey!

- Okay.
- Where's Mallory?

She's upstairs getting ready
for her sorority dance.

I want to give her this truck

for her to bring
with her tonight.

That's a great idea, Andy.

That'll make Mallory
the only girl

at the dance with a truck.

Everybody will be
really jealous.

Come on,
let's give Mallory that truck.

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm sure she doesn't have

anything like it in her closet.

(chuckles):
Yeah, that's great.

(Alex groans)

(snaps fingers, whistles)

Oh, come on!

- I'm telling.
- Oh, oh, oh!

Come on. Come on,
this is the one that counts.

Hey, short stuff!

ELYSE: Steven, we need
a lightbulb up here!

All right, you're both grounded.

I told you this would happen.

- You told me? I told you.
- Come on.

I've been telling him for days.
He started it.

Hi.

Hi, Jen.

That's a fabulous dress,
Mallory.

It really goes with the truck.

STEVEN: Boy, you sure
look great, honey. Really.

I'm just not up for it tonight.

I mean, ever since they made
Nick an honorary member

of the sorority, I never get
to see him alone anymore.

And when I do, it's always
Gamma Delta Gamma this,

Gamma Delta Gamma that.

It's making me crazy.

I never thought I-I'd have
to call my boyfriend "Sister."

Oh, I don't know, Mal,
I think it's kind of cute.

I mean, picture him right now.

He's at home,
choosing an outfit,

primping,

putting on Dippity-do.

I can't believe
the way Nick has changed.

Now he's hopping around
all the time, perky, singing.

It's like going out
with Annette Funicello.

Honey, did you tell him
how you feel?

- No, not yet.
- (doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Hey.

Mal.

It's Sister.

(clears throat)

- Say, uh, Mr. Keaton?
- Mm-hmm?

Would you be interested
in buying some raffle tickets?

- No, I...
- You see, we're trying to bring

some members of our sorority
over from China.

Oh. Well, th-that's great, Nick.

We're just leaving, too.

Ah-ah-ah, but-but-but let me
share with you,

uh, a little secret
that I learned from the girls.

Hairspray helps remove
ink spots.

Got it.

So, uh, Mal, you look great.

Nick, I think you've been taking
the sorority stuff

a little too seriously.

Oh, really?

(clears throat)

Well, uh, you know, Mal,

I was hoping maybe some of it
would rub off on you.

And if something does
rub off on you,

may I suggest rinsing it briskly
with some Epsom salt.

Nick, I think
you're missing my point.

I think you've become
a little too involved

with Gamma Delta Gamma.

Well, Mal, you know, I think

you take Gamma Delta Gamma
a little for granted.

You see, I don't think
you show it enough respect.

As a matter of fact, you know,

I have been reviewing the, uh,
Gamma Delta Gamma rule book,

and, uh, I have found out
that you break

almost every rule in it.

For instance,

you should only
entertain male visitors

on the porch or in the parlor.

You should never cross your legs
while wearing a skirt.

And at all sorority functions
after : p.m.,

you should always wear gloves.

Nick, those rules are from .

Hey, so what?

You know, you still
got to follow them.

Listen, Mal, I would really hate
to bring you up on charges.

Now, look, you're
a Gamma Delta Gamma girl, huh?

Act like one.

(rock music playing,
Nick humming)

Hey, babe, great party, huh?

Oh, yeah, it's great.

I hope you don't mind me doing a
little cleaning up now and then.

Oh, no, go right ahead;
it's your job.

Okay.

Oh, uh, you know, say,
you really should put that drink

on a coaster, not on the table.

You're going to ruin
the finish there.

Thank you.

(clears throat)

Nick, congratulations.

Everyone just loves
all the decorations.

You really did a great job.

Oh, hey, thanks.

My favorite is definitely
the mothball igloo.

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah.

Me, too.

You know, it's, uh, attractive
and snow-like,

yet it keeps pests away
from our fine woolens.

You're incredible.

Aw, thanks.

Okay, everyone!

It's time to sing the Gamma
Delta Gamma sisterhood song!

(women clamoring)

(sighs)

(pitch pipe blows)

♪ There's a place
where I have many sisters ♪

♪ A house I'll always
call my home ♪

♪ Oh, Gamma Delta Gamma ♪

♪ I belong to you
no matter where I roam ♪

♪ To Gamma Delta Gamma,
faithful I will be ♪

♪ Gamma Delta Gamma ♪

♪ My true sorority ♪

(women stop singing)

♪ As a bud unfolds
to be a flower ♪

♪ We bloom into women
from mere girls ♪

♪ Oh, Gamma Delta Gamma ♪

♪ Here before you
in our gowns and our pearls. ♪

(applause)

Where did you get that verse?

Ah-ah-ah, read your rule book.

Nick, you really didn't have
to sing that song.

Oh, yeah, I did, Mal.
If you read the rule book...

No, I don't want
to read my rule book.

(bells jingle)

And now, the moment
that we've all been waiting for,

the crowning
of the Gamma Delta Gamma

Winter Dance Snow Queen.

(scattered applause)

I am so excited.

You know, I've been pushing
for you for Snow Queen all week.

That's sweet, Nick.

All right.

The new...

Gamma Delta Gamma

Snow Queen is...

Nick Moore!

(women cheering)

Whoa!

I can't believe that
my boyfriend's a Snow Queen.

Uh, ladies, gentlemen,

sisters...

this is a most
momentous occasion.

Nick, God, stop it!

What do you think you're doing?

Uh, Mal, I'm just saying
my acceptance speech here. I...

Nick, Nick,
take a look at yourself.

You're not a sorority sister.

I mean, what are you doing in a
crown, a cape and a dozen roses?

I won.

Nick, you have a job here,
that's it.

Why can't you just show up,

punch in your time card
and go home?

Okay, uh...

I'll leave.

Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

(door closes)

She moves! She fakes!

She pumps to the left!
She pumps to the right!

She's all over the court!

She sets her sh*t!

- Hey.
- Hey, Mom.

How many times do I have
to throw this thing away?!

STEVEN and ALEX:
You're grounded.

Hi.

- Oh, hey, Mal.
- Oh.

How was, uh, how was the dance?

Aw, I had a terrible time.

Nick spent half the evening
cleaning up,

and then he sang
the Gamma Delta Gamma song solo,

and then he was crowned
Snow Queen.

Sounds like a full evening.

I yelled at him
in front of everyone.

I mean, there he was,
the Snow Queen,

surrounded by
his ladies-in-waiting and...

I just flipped out.

Well, don't worry about it, Mal.

Uh...

now that Nick is Queen...

I'm sure he'll calm down.

Oh, honey,
didn't you talk to him?

I mean, didn't you tell him

you thought he was
getting carried away?

I tried;
he wouldn't listen to me.

He-he kept giving me etiquette
lessons and household tips.

Well, you know, I tried
that hairspray trick.

Really works.

(knock on door)

- Oh, Nick!
- Hey, Nick!

Well, we've-we've heard
the news.

- Congratulations!
- Yeah.

Nick, Nick, just tell me.

Tell me, what-what do you think
put you over the top?

Was it talent?

Swimsuit?

Uh, just lucky, I guess.

Well, it's an honor to have
the Snow Queen in our house.

Absolutely.

Good evening, good evening,
Your Majesty.

Hey. Evening.

Hey.

Hi.

So, uh, how'd the rest
of the dance go?

All right, I guess.

Um, we had to elect
a new Snow Queen.

But, uh, you're still
the runner-up.

It's an important job.

Case the new Snow Queen
can't fulfill

all her responsibilities,
you'd have to step in.

Look, um, Mal, I've been
thinking about what you said

and, uh,
how I've been acting lately,

and I kind of realized

that I went over the edge
with this sorority stuff and...

Oh, no, no,
I'm-I'm the one who...

I totally overreacted.

I mean, you have a right
to have fun.

Not every guy
gets to be Snow Queen.

Hey, you know,
I just had no idea

that it would
bother you so much.

You know, it's just,
I got so caught up

with being part of a group,
a member of a club.

I never had that. I...

It just felt good to belong.

Well, I didn't know
you needed that.

I always thought
you were a loner.

You know, I never really
did good in group situations.

I never really fit in.

You see, the sorority was
the first group

that really accepted me as me.

I finally fit in.

I guess I felt like
you fit in too well.

(sighs)

I mean, you were always
at the sorority,

and you were always
with the girls.

I never got to see you alone.

And, um, I guess I felt
a little threatened.

Why?

Because I didn't
feel special anymore.

Because all of a sudden,
you're-you're spending time

with all these girls and you're
having all this fun with them...

the kind of fun I thought
you could only have with me.

And I... I felt like
you didn't need me anymore.

Hey, I'll always need you.

You are my girlfriend,
they are just my sisters.

Well, you're my sister, too...

Look, Mal, you are
very, very special to me.

I am?

Yeah.

Because you're the only girl
that I'll ever love.

I love you, Nick.

I propose a toast.

To the best janitor
and Snow Queen

in the history
of Gamma Delta Gamma.

(chuckles)

Uh, you got a coaster for that?

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)