06x18 - The Play's the Thing

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



No, no, see, this color's
all wrong for you, Andy.

You must stay away from green.

I'm not promising anything.

You are a winter person.

Your colors are gray,

blue, navy, azure.

And you must stay away
from plaids

and avoid large prints
whenever possible.

Hey, I came in here to eat.

Andy, I'm giving you
a free color analysis.

So? I don't even pick out
my own clothes.

Hi. Is your dad home yet?

- Hi, Mom.
- No.

Has he called?

No, not yet. Why?

Well, your father is down at the
Columbus Community Playhouse.

They are considering
putting on a play he wrote,

and I'm just kind of anxious
to see what the decision is.

Really? What's it about?

Well, it's a very
autobiographical story

about how we met
and fell in love.

There's some very nice
moments from the ' s.

A Draft Card for the Burning
by Steven Keaton.

Oh, wait a minute.

"Oh my diamond in the rough
from Buffalo,

come let me love you."

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I've-I've heard that before.

Wait a minute. Oh!

It's an old memory.
It's an old, old memory.

I'm-I'm in my crib...

I'm-I'm tossing,
I'm turning...

It's a nightmare.

It's Dad's play.

It's alive!

There's a chance that the
Columbus Community Playhouse

is gonna do it.

They must be stopped.

I think it's nice that it
might be produced again.

You mean it's been
produced before?

Oh, yeah,
when we were in college.

Your father directed
and I had the lead...

the activist-anthropology
student Sequoia Free.

(Alex laughs)

I'm telling you,
the ' s were a joke.

I mean, everyone was running
around with these cartoon names.

I wouldn't laugh if I were you.

When you were a little baby,
we called you "Moon Muffin."

He looks like a little
moon muffin, doesn't he?

Yeah, well, it could
have been worse.

I could have been
"Moon Muffin Free."

I remember you telling us
about this play.

Isn't it the one that almost
broke you and Dad up?

Yeah. It-it did
almost break us up.

Your father's whole personality
just changed completely.

He became insanely jealous

about whoever
played opposite me.

He became extremely pompous
and terribly theatrical.

(singing fanfare):
♪ Yum-da-da, da-da-da, dum! ♪

"The Columbus Community Theatre
is proud to announce

"the Ohio debut
of Steven Keaton's

A Draft Card for the Burning."

Oh!

Congratulations.

STEVEN: Well, thank you.
It's going to be the first

in their "Undiscovered
Playwrights of Ohio" series.

I'm going to direct it,

and, Elyse, I want you
to star in it.

Oh, it's so sweet of you
to think of me... I can't.

Why not?
It'll be just like the old days.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I-I know there was a little
tension the last time

we worked together,
but it's all in the past.

We're so much more mature now.

Anyway, it's only going
to play two days.

Well, what two days
do you have in mind?

- Sunday and Monday.
- Oh, heartbreak!

I'm not available.

You don't even know
which Sunday and Monday.

Well, it-it doesn't really
matter because I've just joined

this group
"Sundays and Mondays in Ohio."

STEVEN:
Well, um...

maybe we could move
the play nights

- to Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
- No, no.

Don't do that, because "Sundays
and Mondays" might be changing

to "Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

Well, I'm certainly
not going to beg you.

(laughs)

I'm sure Shakespeare
had his rejections.

(sniffs)
Probably not from his wife,

but...

I'll find another
leading actress.

This town must be full
of Sequoia Frees.

"We must turn back
the tide of w*r.

"Lay bare the kelp
of poverty and greed.

"Uncover in the seashells
of human experience

"man's more peaceful nature

"as the waves...

wash onto the shore of life."

"Oh, my diamond in the rough
from Buffalo,

come let me love you."

STEVEN:
Okay.

Very good.

Very, very good!

- Carol, we'll let you know.
- Okay.

Uh, Steven, I just want you
to know that I've done

a lot of classic theater from
Ibsen to Shaw and back again.

And the role

of Sequoia Free in
A Draft Card for the Burning

is perhaps the most significant
role written for a woman

since Joan of Arc...
in Joan of Arc.

I loved it too, Steve.

The moment I read it.

I was in my office,
just kicking back,

after finishing a root canal.

I picked it up... I picked it up
and couldn't put it down.

It had fire!

- It had a...
- Jeff! Jeff, please!

You've already got the part.

No, no, I mean it.

It just rolls off the tongue.

"Kelp of poverty."

"Seashells of experience."

Do you like fish, Steve?

(laughs)
Hey, how's it going?

It's tough, Alex.

Why, Dad having trouble finding
any actors for his play?

No, it's been tough on me

sitting here listening
to all this.

I'm starting to see past lives
and envying them.

That tough, huh?

Have you read
the whole play yet, Alex?

No, nobody's read
the whole play.

Not even Dad.

Why? Have you?

I tried, but I,
I kept blacking out.

Ah, fine. If you just...

ALEX:
Hey, Pop.

Pop!

Nice. I hear it's going
like gangbusters.

Well, uh, the material's
certainly holding up.

The trick is to find actors
of the same caliber.

- That's gonna be tough, Dad.
- Mm-hmm.

All right! Let's, uh,
let's get on with it.

Ready, Alice?

- Okey dokey.
- Okay...

- ELYSE: Exactly what he did.
- I told you he did...

- Shh. Shh.
- Oh! Oh!

I'm sorry, Steven,
I didn't realize

your auditions
were still going on.

- We'll get out of your way.
- No, no.

Stay, Elyse.

Stay and watch her butcher
the dialogue

meant to come only
from your lips.

Anytime, mon capitan.

Okay, uh, Jeff, Alice, uh,

let's-let's read a little.

Have fun with it,
and, um... begin.

"We must turn back
the tide of w*r!

"Uncover the kelp...

"...of poverty and greed.

"Lay bare

"the seashells
of human experience

"of man's more peaceful nature

"as the waves wash
onto the shore of...

(shouts):
...life!"

"Oh!

"My diamond in the rough
from Buffalo!

Come let me love you!"

That's fine, honey.

Thank you.

Oh, no. Th-There's more.

Not necessarily.

I have a full sense
of your gift. (chuckles)

Thank you.

Yes, all right.

MALLORY:
Come again.

(clears throat)
Anyone else back there, Jen?

I don't know. Let me go see.

All right, let's knock it off,
then, Jeff.

Oh, all right.

Do you know how much
I love this?

Jeff, you've got the job,
I swear!

Okay.

Oh!

(chuckles)

- (sighs)
- How'd it go, Dad?

Any luck?

Rough afternoon, Mal.
Rough.

Very discouraging.

Well, don't worry.
It's still early.

Oh, we're kidding ourselves.

Your mother's the only one

who can play Sequoia Free!

We might as well not do it.

Oh, come on, Dad.

There's got to be someone else.

No, no! There's no one!

I wrote it for you,
only for you.

It's our... it's our life,
Elyse, our passion.

And if you can't find it in your
heart to be my Sequoia Free,

well, I say forget it.

Let A Draft Card for the Burning
die a proper death.

Oh, my diamond in the rough
from Buffalo...

...come let me love you.

That's right, two performances
starting Saturday night.

You want six tickets?

May I ask why?

I mean, where?

Okay, they'll be held
at the door for you.

Six tickets, front row, center.

That'll be, uh... $ . .

Okay, six more
reservations, Andy.

How many does that give us?

Eleven.

Hey.

How's it going, fellow siblings?

Okay.

Where are the Lunts?

They're in there rehearsing.

Well, what do you think, Alex?

It's Mom's dress for the play.

That's not her dress.

That's her handkerchief.

Alex, Sequoia Free is
a high-spirited, unconventional

woman of the ' s.

This is an extension
of her fantasy life.

Sequoia Free is your mother.

Okay?

She does not have
a fantasy life.

And she's not going
to be wearing this

as long as "Alex Free" is alive.

Elyse! How can you make
such a big deal about this?

Because already
it's getting out of control.

How can you say that?

Steven, maybe you aren't
even aware of it,

but every time Jeff
comes near me, you start acting

more like a jealous husband
than a director.

Jeff?

You call him Jeff?
(laughs)

Isn't that a little familiar?

His name is Dr. Cooper.

Well, Mom, I'm done.

What do you think?

- Oh, that's wonderful.
- What's that?

Oh, this is for me in the sit-in
scene in the second act.

Why do you need a handkerchief?

This isn't a handkerchief,
Steven, this is a dress.

And it reflects the era.

Elyse, the-the ' s
was a time of... decorum.

Of-Of prim and proper behavior,
as I remember.

People wore these, kind of,
high-necked dresses.

You know, right up...
right up to the eyes.

We're ready in there, Admiral.

Whoa! Elyse!

You gonna wear that?

It's no bigger
than a handkerchief!

Fabulous!

Your job's hanging
by a thread, Jeff.

I love your dialogue, Steve.

All right! This is
the big sit-in scene

in the dean's office.

We'll take it
from your speech, Elyse,

at the top of page, uh, .

Oh, Randolph...

your courage is courageous,
outrageous and contagious.

I'm all three of those, Sequoia.

Let them come.

Let them take us away!

At least we'll be together.

(whistle blows)

Okay, hold it!

What is it, Steve?

The kiss was too much!

Don't-Don't dwell on it.

Uh, make it incidental...
a throwaway.

What... what the... well, look
at this stage direction, Steve.

"With the heat of love
burning in his heart,

Randolph sweeps Sequoia
into a passionate embrace."

That's a throwaway?

It's a matter of interpretation.

Oh?

Hm...

I think Randolph's... worn out.

Mm.

Too-too tired
and emotionally drained

to do much more
than shake hands with Sequoia.

I-I-I wouldn't even go that far.

Make it a high five.

A high five?

That doesn't seem right.

Jeff, you're a dentist.

What do you know about art?
Your area is pain.

I-I have
to agree with Jeff, honey.

Oh, do you, Sequoia?

Well, when-when a man says, uh,

"Sequoia, darling,
I love you with all my heart.

Come to me. I'm on fire..."

Well, people expect them
to kiss,

you know, not-not just
give a high five.

Oh, fine.

Let's just give the people
what they expect.

Let's just give them
what they're used to.

"I love you." Kiss.
"I love you." Kiss.

You've seen it a million times.

"I love you."

High five.

Now that's something new...
something different.

Look, I'm the director.
I say the kiss does not work.

Now, let's please
get on with it.

Let's take it from here.

And, Jeff, please,
keep your lips to yourself.

(indistinct conversation,
laughter)

Five minutes, everybody!
Five minutes!

Four minutes, seconds.

Four, .

Four, .

Ah! Whoa. Ah,
it's just a play. It's just...

I keep telling myself.
It's just a play.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

Dad, well, what do you think
of the outfit?

Oh, it's a gas!

The amazing thing is,
this is my own.

Wait, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You mean you wore that stuff
in the ' s?

No, this is what I wear now.

I was really straight
in the ' s.

- Oh.
- Je...

- You nervous?
- Oh!

It's in your hands now, Elyse.

Yours and...
and Oscar's and Jeff's.

Boy, am I nervous.

Brings back a lot of memories,
doesn't it?

- Mm-hmm.
- So long ago.

Our opening night.

Also our closing night.

Mm. I'm so glad
you decided to do this play.

Elyse, you are... Sequoia Free.

- Ah.
- Now and forever.

- Break a leg, honey.
- Thanks, baby.

SKIPPY: The Columbus Community
Playhouse proudly presents

the Midwest premiere of...

A Draft Card for the Burning

by Stephan Micel Keaton.

Who is Stephan Micel Keaton?

Who do you think?

I'm afraid those are the final
demands, Dean Hutchinson.

We are not going to budge

until you agree
to meet us here, in person.

Oh, Randolph, how can one man be
so wonderful... and so perfect?

It's a question
I often ask myself.

WOMAN (on stage):
Dean Hutchinson...

You're an artist, Mr. Keaton.

- Shh! - MAN (on stage):
Thank you, Connie.

I know that.

MAN (on stage):
I'll tell you, Sequoia...

Well, two minutes left
in the first act.

The audience is loving it.

It's only a matter of time,
Randolph,

and then they storm the room.

I don't think
the dean is going to show.

He'll show, Sequoia.

I feel it. I know it.

Oh, Randolph,
I admire your chutzpah!

It's far out!

Oh, Sequoia, my darling,

I love you with all my heart.

Come to me! I'm on fire!

ELYSE:
Mmm.

(blowing whistle)

Boy, they are really
going at it, aren't they?

They don't even look like
they're acting.

Yeah, boy, this is
great writing, Mr. Keaton.

(blowing whistle)

- Come on! - Come on!

I told you, no kissing!

Didn't you see the sign?

She kissed me!

I was acting, Steven!

It came out of the moment!
It seemed right!

There! You happy now, Steve?

I told you, she kissed me.

I didn't see you trying
to fight her off.

When a beautiful woman kisses
Randolph, he kisses back.

Randolph is a man of passion.

Don't tell me who Randolph is!

He's me!

He is you, Steven!

So why don't you play him?

Now, I've got an office
full of patients waiting.

Fine! I will!

Fine! And when I run out
of anesthesia,

I'll just read them your play.

I have to side with Jeff
on this, Steve.

He's my dentist.

Fine! Why don't you go with him?

You can help him
do some fillings!

Steve, this is uncalled for.

My parents are in the audience.

I-I don't want
to have to wake them up

and tell them
I'm not in the show.

You're out, Good-Vibes.

If-if they go, I'm-I'm going.

Jeff's my dentist, too.

Go! Go! Go!

All of you, go!

Get a g*ng filling!

See if I care!

And I'll tell you
something else, Jeff.

I'm not flossing anymore!

Dad...

they all gone?

Yeah.

What are we going to do?

We'll think of something.

Right.

Whoa.

Oh, Randolph,

it's beautiful outside
right now.

The morning rain has washed away
the silence of injustice.

Randolph, come look with me
out the...

Whoa!

Randolph?!

- (audience murmuring)
- Oh, no.

Hi, Sequoia.

Notice anything different?

Why, yes. You've grown a beard,
haven't you?

Can't leave you alone
for a second.

What is going on?!

Jeff quit.
I'm stepping in. Just improvise.

So, Sequoia...
enjoying the ' s?

The chief of police
couldn't come,

so he told me to tell you
that you're all under arrest.

Thank you, thank you...
friend of the chief.

Um... but we're not afraid.

Because any moment now,
Peter Good-Vibes will be coming

through that door with word
from the administration.

Yes! Where could Peter be?

Well, you know Good-Vibes.

He works in strange ways.

Yes, but you can't
question his vibes.

They're good.

Power to the people.

What went down, Good-Vibes?

Dig. Um...

Uh, I go...
I go across town, man.

Fuzz everywhere, man.

Here a fuzz, there a fuzz...

...everywhere a fuzz-fuzz.

Look, let me just say,
at this point,

that I have nothing but respect
for our men in blue.

If it were up to me,

I'd arrest every single member
of this cast.

Come on, Moon Muffin!

Ah... (laughs) Sequoia Mom...

um, let's face it, huh?

The ' s are almost over.

We all just want
to make a lot of money.

And I, Peter Good-Vibes,

am going to apply
to business school.

Well, Good-Vibes is off
to business school.

So be it!

But we're still together,
Sequoia.

That's all that matt...

Sequoia.

Randolph.

Sequoia?

Randolph?

What are you doing here?

I'm in the play.

You can't be in the play.
You quit.

I know, but I can't stay away.

I love the dialogue.

I don't care.
You're out of here.

Fellas! Randolphs!

Sequoia, I'm on fire for you.

Sequoia, I'm on fire for you.

I was on fire for you first!

Let them come.
Let them take us away.

At least we'll be together.

(Elyse groans)

Let them come.
Let them take us away.

At least we'll be together.

- Ah!
- (Elyse gasps)

Oh, right. Dr. Cooper!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

- Hey. - Look.

- I got him! I got him!
- Oh, Alex!

- Oh, Alex! Huh?
- It's not right.

- Come on. No, no. Sorry.
- Please, you don't have to...

You coming home?

I'm just going to sit here
for a minute, if you don't mind.

Can I join you?

I guess, every years,
I have to make a fool of myself.

That's not so.

It's only been years.

Well, this is it, Elyse.

Draft Card goes back
into the drawer.

Alex will be so happy.

It's not a good play, Elyse.

I think I have to face that.

It's a lovely play... in spots.

But you-you cut , pages
out of that sucker,

and it will fly.

I'm sorry
I put you through this, Elyse.

Can you forgive me?

Just promise me I won't have
to do it again when I'm .

You know, uh...

I really didn't need pages
to say what I needed to say.

All I needed was one speech:

I love you.

I'm crazy about you.

I can't imagine what
my life would have been like

if I'd never met you.

Oh, my diamond in the rough
from Buffalo,

come let me love you.

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)