06x21 - Read It and Weep, Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



Oh, I love it.

This is going to be great.

Okay, you can let it down now.

Are you sure every brother
does this for his sister?

Absolutely.

Did Alex do it for you?

He wanted to, but he just
wasn't right for it.

How come?

Well...

Alex has a weird body.

It's like his head is too big
for the rest of him.

Maybe the rest of him
is just too small.

That's probably it.

Ah, what the heck is this?

Calm down, Alex.

Andy's just helping me
hem a skirt. It's no big deal.

No big deal? Mal, he is a
healthy, happy six-year-old boy.

He should not be standing
on a counter in-in a dress.

Especially not this dress.

The color's all wrong for him.

You wish you could be
standing up here, Alex,

but you can't
because your body's weird.

(quietly):
What?

Andy, honey, why don't you
go outside and play?

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What-what do... what do
you mean, my body is weird?

You got a big head...
ask Mallory.

Did you tell him that?

Alex, leave me alone.

She said that the rest
of your body is too small.

You said that.

I have got a perfect body, okay?

And you cannot b*at my head.

They make a phenomenal set.

Fine, Alex, whatever you say.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait...

Is there something wrong
with my head?

I mean, tell me,
because I would like to know.

Alex, it's no big deal.

You've just got the little...

Elmer Fudd thing working
for you, that's all.

Elmer Fudd?

I'm getting out of here.

Wait, Elmer Fudd...
what does Elmer Fudd...

He asked me whether or not
you had done this...

Hi, guys.

Jen, what's the matter with you?

You look miserable.

You really do.

Jen, you look awful.

But before we discuss that,
let me ask you something.

Is there something wrong
with my head?

Does Easter Island
mean anything to you?

(groans)

What's the matter, Jen?
What's wrong?

This might be the worst day
of my school career.

Why? What happened?

I had to do a book report
for my English class.

(gasps)
Jen, I'm so sorry.

No, the problem
is I wanted to do my report

on Huckleberry Finn.

You're in luck, Jen.

I did a paper on that.

No, Mal, that was
Huckleberry Hound.

- Oh, that's right, right.
- See?

I found out in school today
that Huckleberry Finn

is not on the school's
accepted reading list.

It's banned.

Banned?

What... come on, that's absurd.

Wh-When did this happen?

Well, it's a new policy...
it just went into effect.

Well, I wish they banned books
when I was in high school.

They start everything good
after I leave.

How... how can they ban
Huckleberry Finn?

I mean, every kid reads
Huck Finn.

It's the great American novel.

It symbolizes the unrest
and ferment of the country

as the... as the Western
Frontier was coming to a close

and we as a nation were forced
to confront the issues

of... of racism, sl*very
and industrialism.

Oh, maybe I didn't read it.

Who decided this?

The Leland Heights School Board.

They gave me this letter
to take home

and a packet
of information about it.

Oh, Jen, if you're lucky,
they'll ban this packet, too.

Looks pretty deadly.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey!

Mom, Dad, I'm glad you're here.

I've got something to tell you,
and I don't think

you're going to like it.

The greeting
all parents yearn for.

Should we sit down?

It's something that happened
at school today.

Jen, listen, break it
to them easy, okay?

Just remember, they're liberals.

They could
spontaneously combust.

Alex is right.

I know how upset you guys get
about these things.

Well, what is it, honey?

I wanted to do a book report
on Huckleberry Finn.

All right.

But don't let it happen again.

I can't.
Huckleberry Finn is banned.

Banned?

That's ridic...
what are you talking about?

Okay, okay, just take it easy.

Don't stage a sit-in
or anything.

I knew the school board's
been talking about this,

but I never dreamed
they'd dare to do it.

This is amazing.

If we lived two miles
down the road

in the Columbus School District,
this wouldn't be a problem.

We'd be closer to the mall, too.

Was there any discussion
about this at school?

Or is everyone
just going to stand there

and allow this to happen?

Wh-What about
your English teacher?

Well, Mr. Flaherty is just
as upset about this as I am,

but he said there's nothing
that can be done about it.

Uh, no, there's no way
we are going to let this happen.

This is completely wrong.

I totally agree with you, Dad...
we've got to fight this.

Oh, absolutely, this is
a disgrace to the community,

to the state, to the country.

Do I have a big head?

"I hadn't had a bite to eat
since yesterday,

"so Jim, he got out some
corn dodgers and buttermilk,

"and pork and cabbage
and greens.

"There ain't nothing
in the world so good

"when it's cooked right.

"And whilst I eat my supper,
we talked and had a good time.

"I was powerful glad to get away
from the feuds,

"and so was Jim to get away
from the swamp.

We said, 'There warn't no home
like a raft, after all."

Hmm.

With those stockings?

I'm going to die.

Mallory, please, your dad's
reading from a great piece

of American literature.

Oh, I know, I know.
I-I'm listening.

Um... they're
on a cruise, right?

Not exactly a cruise.

They're on a raft,
floating down the Mississippi.

It's a... yeah,
it's a great story.

I'll be right with you.

I'm sorry, my family keeps
interrupting. Go on.

You know, I used to love
that book when I was a kid.

I, uh...
I'd always imagine myself

in Huck's place, you know?

Lying out there in the river
at night, free as can be.

Only, uh, well, mine...
mine wasn't a raft.

It was a cabin cruiser.

Complete wet bar,
satellite dish.

Hot tub.

I don't know...
I still like Twain's version.

To each his own, Pop.

All right, I'm off the phone.

I'm ready to talk
about the book.

(phone rings)

That's probably for me.

Hello? Hi.

I can't believe the Leland
Heights Board of Education

finds all these books
unacceptable.

Here, uh... Catcher in the Rye,
Grapes of Wrath,

Slaughterhouse-Five?

That's preposterous.

I mean, what books can you read?

Well, we're down
to Babar Goes to Holland

and The Yogi Berra Story.

Well, this is infuriating.

Every one of these books
is a classic.

I mean, how can they
justify that?

Well, the argument is that the
books contain explicit language

or, uh... or offensive imagery

that's unacceptable
for pre-college students.

The irony is that in Isl and Tree
School District v. Pico,

Justice Brennan said, "No local
school board shall remove books

"from school library shelves
simply because

"they dislike the ideas
contained in those books,

"nor by their removal seek to
prescribe what shall be orthodox

"in politics,
nationalism, religion

and other matters of opinion."

How did you know that?

I know everything.

Alex, I've got to admit,

I'm surprised you're
on our side in this issue.

To think that book banning

is actually bringing us
closer together.

(laughs)
Well, Dad, I-I...

I do enjoy keeping you
on your toes.

But, uh, basically, I agree

with John Stuart Mill's
philosophy

that a free flow of ideas
and-and information

is essential to keeping alive
the spirit

of a... of a libertarian
and utilitarian vision

flourishing against
the oppressive weight

of ignorance
and totalitarianism.

Did you swallow
a dictionary recently?

I'm just saying that regardless
of the contents of a book,

I believe that we have to
preserve the rights

of freedom of thought
and freedom of speech

for every American citizen.

A straight lettuce diet?
That's wild.

With certain obvious exceptions.

I think the books on this list
are just the kind of things

high school students
should be reading.

I mean, they're provocative,
they're insightful,

they make you think.

I mean, what's wrong with that?

The problem the school board has
with the book

is that Huck's best friend

is sometimes referred to
as N***** Jim.

Now, look,
that's definitely offensive,

but it shouldn't
be taken out of context.

At the time Twain
wrote the book, it was,

uh, common usage in Missouri.

The whole point of the story
is how Huck learns

that a man's color
is not important

and that everyone deserved
to be free.

Jim is the most noble
character in the book.

There are also objections
on religious grounds.

Apparently the school board
dislikes the fact that Huck says

he would rather go to hell
than turn Jim back into sl*very.

That he, in fact, rejects God.

Okay, I'm off the phone.
I'm all yours.

Great.

Now we get
to the bottom of this.

Well, what
about the other kids, Jen?

Or are you the only one
who wants to read

a book that's on this list?

Well, I don't want to do
my report on this book

because the book is banned.

I happen to love that book.

Jennifer,

this book
is over pages long,

not including pictures.

I think it's
a blessing in disguise.

Jen, look, if you want to do
your book report on Huck Finn,

then you should do it
on Huck Finn,

and the rest of us
will support you on that, right?

- Yeah, absolutely.
- Definitely. - Okay.

But it's got
to be your decision.

You know, I never thought
reading a book

would be something
I'd have to fight for.

You know, uh, Jen, I once had
a brush with censorship myself.

Remember, uh, Elyse,
back in Berkeley?

Huh, ?

I wrote an article
for the Berkeley Gazette.

"Fluctuating Electoral
Demographics

in the Congressional Race."

It was censored?

Oh, yes.

On what basis?

Oh, well,
it was incredibly boring.

Well, I mean, "boring"
in the best,

most interesting sense
of the word.

Thank you, dear...
that's exactly what you said

on your review at the time.

This is a book report
I want to do,

and it doesn't seem right that I
should be stopped from doing it.

No, it doesn't.

Anyway, I don't want
to read The Yogi Berra Story.

And you shouldn't have to.

Freedom of speech is guaranteed
in the Constitution,

and-and basically, they're
throwing out the Bill of Rights.

All right.

If we don't take a stand,
who will?

I mean, where will this all end?

STEVEN and ELYSE:
All right.

So, basically,
you're going to read the book,

do the book report,

risk possible failure
in English,

jeopardize your chances
of getting

into any college
other than Grant, and, uh,

become a social outcast
in your own community.

I guess so.

That's our girl!

When he was ,
Yogi batted. , had RBls

and was elected
to the all-star team.

It was also during this season
that Yogi told his teammates

that he would one day
become spokesman

for a wonderfully
thirst-quenching

chocolate-flavored drink
called Yoo-hoo.

The rest is beverage history.

(class applauds)

Well, very nice, Jill.

I think we all feel
a little closer to Yogi.

But I think I'd like you
to try something

a little more
challenging next time.

Like what?

Well, it's just
that your past reports

seem to indicate
a certain pattern.

I mean, we've had
The Joe Namath Story,

The Johnny Bench Story,
The Magic Johnson Story.

You should branch out a little.

Well, I haven't done
anything on hockey.

Sit down, Jill.

Jennifer. You ready?

I think so.

"You don't know about me
without you have read the book

"by the name of
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer,

but that ain't no matter."

So began Twain's American
classic, Huckleberry Finn.

Jennifer, can I speak
to you for a minute?

Uh, Martin, perhaps you could
begin your paper.

Athlete... broadcaster...

soft drink spokesman.

Who is this great American?
Yogi Berra.

Jennifer, I thought
I made myself clear on this.

You know Huckleberry Finn

isn't on the approved
reading list.

I know, Mr. Flaherty, and I've
given it a lot of thought.

And I don't approve
of the approved reading list.

Well, neither do I!

But I am a teacher
in this school system,

and I have to abide
by those rules.

I'm sorry, Mr. Flaherty, but I
really feel strongly about this.

Jennifer, if that's the case,

I have no choice
but to call Dr. Hewitt.

Oh, no, not Hewitt the Hun.

She's going to find out
eventually.

Billy...

MARTIN: Yogi lived his life
by his immortal words

ever since he was born...

Go to the principal's office.

What'd I do?

Nothing.

Just go tell Dr. Hewitt
I need to see her.

Hewitt the Hun?

Uh, look, I'm sorry, Jen,
but I got to do what be says.

I'm failing.

Jennifer...
I hate to have to do this.

Uh, you understand
the position I'm in.

You always told us
to think for ourselves

and to have the courage
of our convictions, and if...

and if we really believe
in something, then to act on it.

Oh, sure,
throw that one up at me.

Have you discussed this
with your parents?

Yes, I have,
and they support me completely.

Boy, you Keatons are never far
from controversy, are you?

I remember when Alex tried
to get the school to close

on Ron and Nancy's anniversary.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
he-he did stay home that day.

And-and he sent them those
beautiful matching jumpsuits.

(both laugh)

I hope you know
what you're doing, Jennifer.

This is serious business.

(footsteps approaching)

Good afternoon, Mr. Flaherty.

Is there a problem?

I'm afraid there is.

Dr. Hewitt,
you know Jennifer Keaton.

- Of course.
- She's about to do

her book report
on Huckleberry Finn.

Jennifer, are you aware
that district policy

does not allow us to discuss
that book in the classroom?

Yes, I am, Dr. Hun.

Dr. Hewitt. Um...

But I don't think it's right.

Well, you are certainly
entitled to your opinion,

but as long as you're
a student in this school,

you have to abide
by school regulations.

If you have a problem
with a particular policy,

I suggest you take it up
with the Board of Education.

Mr. Flaherty, why don't we
give Jennifer time

to find another suitable book

and give her report
in the near future?

No!

This is the book report
I'm going to give.

As Dante once said,

"The hottest places in hell
are reserved for those

who, in times of moral crisis,
remain neutral."

What does that mean?

I think she's just
making conversation.

So, in conclusion,

this is one of the best books
I've ever read.

I recommend it
to everyone in this class.

And I leave you
with this question to ponder.

Is Yogi Berra
related to Yogi Bear?

And if so, how?

(sighs)

My-my book report
is about Huckleberry Finn.

Jennifer!

Written in ,

about years
after the Civil w*r ended,

this book is not only the story
of a young man's journey

down the Mississippi,
but it's also the story

of America's journey
from innocence to maturity.

All right, Andy,
we're almost finished.

You know, I asked around.

Other brothers don't do this.

Um, well, you're special.

I know, but the thrill
is starting to wear off.

Oh, a little tailoring
going on, huh?

Yes. We're almost finished.

Uh-huh.

Need any help?

You can't help. Remember?

Your head's too big.

All right. All right.
Just give me this tape measure.

- Oh, Alex...
- Just-just a minute.

Just put your finger
right there, all right?

- You know what...
- Will you? Come on!

Swelled head check, Alex?

All right. All right.

Listen, you guys are my parents.

- Help me out on this one.
- (Mallory sighs)

Is my head too big for my body?

A little.

All right. Okay,
let me tell you something.

Maybe all of your heads

are just a little too small
for your bodies.

Huh? You ever think of that?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- STEVEN: What?
- ELYSE: What-what happened?

Did-did you read
from your Huck Finn report?

I did it.

We are so proud of you, Jen.

That took a great deal
of courage.

And now my only hope
is that you have

the tuition money
to pay for private school

'cause that's definitely
where I'm headed.

Wait. Wait. Wait.
Hey, what happened?

Come on, hey...
don't kid around, now.

Private school is expensive.

Well, when Mr. Flaherty
found out

that I was doing
my report on Huck Finn,

he had to call down
to the principal, Dr. Hewitt.

She warned me not to do it.

When I did it anyway,
she took my pages away.

- She what?
- What?

She confiscated
your book report?

Yeah. I-I'm not even going
to have a chance to be graded.

Not graded?

Jen, you get all the breaks.

Mal, uh, I-I don't...

I don't think you understand
the implications of this.

No one should have
the right to tell you

what you should
or should not read.

Yeah, Mal, come on.

How would you like it
if someone came

into the Grant College
Library and...

took the book out?

Well, I'm sure they had
very good reasons

for what they were doing.

Well, Mal, I don't think
any of these are good reasons.

Uh, banning
The Diary of Anne Frank

because it treated
all religions equally?

Banning Mice and Men
because of vulgarity?

- Banning Cosmopolitan...
- What?

Why?

...Cosmopolitan
because it deals explicitly

with sexual issues.

The swine!

Why aren't we doing
something about this?

We're going to, Mal.

We're going to call
other parents, organize.

We're not going to
back down from this.

This is a question
of free speech.

The Supreme Court said that.

Well, actually,
what the court said...

was that the defendant
school board

had violated
students' rights in...

in censoring books
from the school library.

Thus the question becomes
whether the, uh...

the discretion
of the school board

to make curricular decisions
is impeded in any way

by First Amendment
considerations.

I told you, I know everything.

Maybe that's why
your head's so big.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Uh, yes, yes, we're...

we're very proud of her
ourselves.

Thank you.

Uh... well, I'll let her know.

That was, uh,
Tricia Willis's father,

just saying he heard
what you did in class,

and the Willises
are behind it %.

Jennifer, you are
a regular celebrity.

I'm so proud of you.

Hey, maybe Dad can do one of his
boring documentaries on you.

I-I mean "boring" in the...

in the best, most interesting
sense of the word.

- Hello, Alex.
- Mr. Flaherty. How are you?

I haven't seen you
in a long time.

Has your head gotten bigger?

Good to see you, Mr. Flaherty.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Flaherty.

We heard what happened
this afternoon.

I-I can't begin to tell you how
aggravated and upset we are.

I'm not thrilled with the way
things went, either.

But I just wanted to tell you

how proud you should be
of your daughter.

She really handled herself
beautifully

in a very difficult,
sensitive situation.

Thank you, Mr. Flaherty.

That's good to hear anyway.

I also wanted to tell you

I got your book report
back from Dr. Hewitt.

I think it's the finest report

on Huckleberry Finn
I've ever read.

(clears throat)

Sorry, Alex.

This was better.

Well, at least it stays
in the family.

That's why it really hurts
to tell you that...

I have to fail you
on the report, Jennifer.

Why?

Because, as far as
the school board is concerned,

Huckleberry Finn doesn't exist.

Yeah, I'm sure Mark Twain
would be thrilled to hear that.

FLAHERTY:
Technically,

if the book isn't
officially recognized,

there's no book report.

I can't believe it.

I'm going to fail.

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

No Keaton has ever
failed English.

Well, I...

No more Keatons
are going to fail English.

Well, unfortunately, the failing
isn't the worst of it.

Dr. Hewitt has said
that unless Jennifer

chooses to do
another book report

and stops defying
the rules of the school,

she's going to be suspended.

Uh...

Well, I'm not backing down.

Okay.

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)