06x27 - Return of the Native

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



(TV playing indistinctly)

Come on, Alex,
can't you give us a hand?

- (turns off TV)
- Sorry, Mom,

it just seems kind of silly

to clean up
before company comes.

I mean, it's just
gonna get messy again.

Come on, your cousin June hasn't
been here in three years.

I don't want her coming
into a messy house.

Why? It was messy when she left.

I just got off the phone
with Jennifer.

She's still at Adam's house
doing the science project.

She said she'll be here soon.

I wonder what's taking
them so long.

They should've finished
that science project by now.

Yeah, well, they're trying
to get fruit flies to mate

and it's taking longer
than they thought.

You know, I'm a little
offended by that project.

I mean, I think
Jennifer should learn

about fruit flies
on the street like I did.

I wish she'd hurry
because your father and June

should be back from the airport
any minute now.

They probably stopped off for
a good ol' American hamburger.

You know, that English food's
pretty disgusting.

That's a very narrow view, Alex.

Just because English food
is different than ours

doesn't mean it's terrible.

Come on, Ma, how would you
characterize a place

that serves ox tails
and kidney pies for breakfast?

Disgusting. (laughs)

I mean "different," hey.

I'm so excited
that June's coming.

I can't imagine what it's like
to study in England.

You don't even know what it's
like to study in America.

- Hey, look who's here.
- Hi, hi!

- Hi, June, hi! - Hi. How are you?
- Hey.

There she is.

- Hi, June.
- Hi.

Sorry, we're late...
we stopped off for hamburgers.

Yeah, I couldn't wait...
English food is disgusting.

Nah, it's just different.

June, you look great.
Come on.

Oh, thanks.
All you do, too.

The baby. Oh.

- Is that Andrew?
- Yeah.

Hi.

Oh, he's so cute.

- Where's Jennifer?
- Oh, she'll be here soon.

She's at her boyfriend's
house studying.

Oh, I'm so excited you're here.

Oh, are you kidding?

You think I'd miss a chance
to brag all about my trip?

Well, sit down and brag.

Come on, what was London like?

Yeah, did you take advantage
of the strong dollar?

Did you meet the queen?

Yeah, I love monarchies.

Hey, come on, come on,
give her a chance to answer.

Thank you, Steven.

Uh, I brought some pictures

and I'm anxious to tell you
all about my trip.

ELYSE: Great, we want
to hear all about it.

Well, a lot of things happened
in three years.

Mm, you're telling us.

I don't know where to start.

Well, how about the boys?

Well, I did meet
a couple of cute boys.

And I got their pictures
right here.

I knew it. Did you date any
princes or dukes or anything?

- No, just commoners.
- Oh.

You know, it's funny.

When I got to England, I wasn't
that interested in boys,

but, uh, now they're
not so bad, you know?

Thanks, we try.

Well, I guess
we're all changing.

I mean, here we are...

and Jennifer's out with a boy.

(sighs)

I guess she's really
growing up, huh?

Well... yes and no.

Jennifer!

Good evening, Scott.
I thought I'd join you.

Mallory! How nice to see you.

Hi, Jen.

Jennifer, why are you dressed
this way?

I'm a woman
of many moods, Scott...

young and playful one moment,

sophisticated
and deadly serious the next.

Hey!

Uh...

Jennifer,
this is a table for two.

I'm sure you can make room
for your sister.

Well, Scott,

what do you recommend?

The last time I was here,
I found the pizza with bologna

very much to my liking.

Shall I go for it again?

I don't get it...
is this a joke or something?

I'm deadly serious, Scott,
pizza with bologna or not?

Jen, we already ordered.

Mallory,
Scott needs his strength.

He has "mormons" coursing
through his veins.

What?

They'll be no talking about
baseball tonight, Scott.

Know what I mean?

Not really.

You'll find tonight that I can
be as soft as the next girl.

Buy you a drink?

MALLORY: Uh...

All right, Jen, uh,
come here for a minute.

Mallory, you're making
a spectacle of yourself.

Hey, listen, I think we ought
to take you home now.

I don't need you
to take me home.

- Jennifer...
- Stop...

Are you okay, little girl?

I'm fine,
and I'm not a little girl.

Waiter, my bike.

Yeah,
she was really embarrassed.

Ah, poor kid.

I had to convince her that
making a fool out of yourself

is part of life
when you're growing up.

It's even part of life
after you've grown up.

Yeah, I know I matured a lot
over the years.

When I think back...

MALLORY:
Uh, June, why don't you

just show us the pictures
and tell us about your trip?

Let's face it, I mean,
maturity and I are no strangers.

Alex, who are you kidding?
I'm the mature one.

- You? You don't even know...
- Oh, come on, guys.

June's trying to tell us
about her trip.

- MALLORY: Right.
- Sorry.

Anyway, the more I was

on my own, I found that...

I think Mom and Dad know that
they don't have to worry about

my being responsible
even when they're not home.

That's because I'm in charge
when they're not home.

Oh, yeah, and he always does
a great job.

So, uh,
nobody else is home, then?

Nope, just you and me.

Maybe I should leave.

I don't think so.

Mallory.

I made her do it, Alex...
I'm an animal.

I don't deserve to live.

Where's Jennifer?

I thought she was with you.

I got caught up in the moment.

I-I couldn't control myself.

Jeff.

I'm not usually like this

but when I'm around Mallory,
I go crazy.

Jeff, calm down,
we've got other problems here.

I lost Jennifer.

I thought you took her
to the card game with you!

I-I did, but-but while I was
playing, she just wandered off.

Oh, no.

Mom and Dad came to
the card game to get her.

Oh, no.

They're right behind me.

I had to drive on the sidewalk
to b*at them home.

Maybe Jennifer came home
and she's upstairs sleeping.

I hope you're right.

I'll look.

Um, I kind of told my parents
that Jennifer was with you,

so I'd appreciate it
if-if you'd...

Lie.

That about says it, yeah.

Sure, Alex, if you want me to.

Look, if Jennifer's not home,

maybe you and I should
go look for her.

We both got cars.

Good idea.

Jeff, thank you
for your support.

I'm glad you're here.

Not at all.

Well,
you're certainly not the two

I expected to see on the couch.

Yeah, that was
real responsible, Alex.

Losing Jennifer in a card game?

I had a straight flush...
I mean, what would you do?

All right, okay,
I got a little carried away.

I believe June was trying
to tell us about her trip.

What trip?

Oh, right, right, well.

Well, the second day I was
there, I met this terrific guy.

I've got his picture
right here, he's so...

ALEX:
Okay, all right, I admit

I should've been thinking
a little more about Jennifer,

but it was a momentary lapse.

I mean, I matured
a lot since then.

In fact,
in some ways I'm so mature

that I've outgrown
a lot of people my own age.

You've been wondering
about my age all evening,

haven't you, Alex?

Oh, no, your age?

No, your age never-never
entered my mind.

How old do you think I am?

Oh, I don't know, uh...

I'd say...

about (mumbles) years old.

I'll be in July.

I'll be in March.

My, my...
and still in high school.

Well, I'm a veteran, you know.

Okay, I'm-I'm .

But they've been
very full years.

Alex,

chronological age means nothing
to me.

I like that in a woman.

Hey, you want to dance?

I thought you'd never ask.

(upbeat music playing)

Hey, you're good.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

No, thank you.

(Steven clears throat)

Oh, Mom, Dad.

Alex, uh, where's your, um...

Uh, uh, I-I mean is...

Is this your...

Who's this?

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

Mom, Dad, this is,
uh, Lorraine Ferrar.

My date.

(through her teeth):
She's his date, Steven.

Hello.

Yes, it-it certainly is nice
to meet you.

Yes, I'll say.

Hey, hey,
you kids want to dance?

We'll just roll back the rug.

Nope.

I don't think so.

Do you think so, Steven?

Are you talking to me?

Oh, no, uh, no,
uh, no, no-no dancing for us.

(groaning): No, no, um...

Good night.

Yeah, that's good.

Good night.

Good night.

(music continues)

What ever happened
to Lorraine, Alex?

Ah, Lorraine and I kind
of lost track of each other.

Maybe I should give her a call.

BOTH: Forget it, Alex.

(phone rings)

Ah, that could be her now.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Jennifer, June's here.

Uh...

All right, I see.
All right.

I'll tell her.

Bye-bye.

That was Jennifer.

She sends you her best, June.

She'll be here
just as soon as she can.

Apparently the female fruit fly
is not in the mood.

What are they going to do,

put on some
Johnny Mathis records?

Chances are.

Look, June, why don't you
show us some more pictures?

Well, I do have some
beautiful sh*ts of Florence.

Florence who?

Mallory, Florence is a city
in Italy.

It's not a person.

Actually, Alex,
Florence is a person.

Florence Weldon.

See, Alex,
Florence is not a city in Italy.

Florence and I went to Paris,

and we stayed in this
really cute bed-and-breakfast.

What's a bed-and-breakfast?

A bed is something you sleep in.

Breakfast is something
you have in the morning.

It's like a small hotel, Mal.

In Europe, a lot of people
rent out rooms in their houses.

Oh, we were there
during the tourist season,

so, I mean, it got pretty wild.

Some nights, we had people
staying in the house.

Whoa.

I guess that doesn't happen
too much here in Ohio.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I hope you don't mind.
I invited a few people.

Uh, mind?
As a matter of fact...

(excited chattering)

All right, okay.

Hey, what are you doing?

We did it. We captured
the other team's mascot.

We got the Crawford Kangaroo.

(cheering)

Uh...

SKIPPY:
Can you believe this?

They captured
the Crawford Kangaroo.

This is a day
we will never forget.

I'm home.

Hi, Dad.

How was your trip?

It's so nice to see you.

What is going on here?

Now, Dad, uh...

don't go jumping
to any conclusions.

- (cheering)
- Whoa!

Alex, (sighs)

Parents are conditioned
to accept a...

a-a few, uh, minor problems

when they leave
their children alone at home...

spilled milk on the rug,

a broken dish.

There was a kangaroo

in my living room.

It was just here
for the party, Dad.

Then I guess I'm overreacting.

Dad, if you just give us
a chance,

we can explain everything.

Oh, can you?

Can you explain

the valet parking
in the driveway?

The flashing vacancy sign

in front of the house?

The billboard on Route ?

Look, Dad, I just,

I-I just lost my head,
you know?

When the... when the money
started rolling in,

I got out of control.

I-I could smell it.

I could taste it.

I could hear it,
calling me at night,

saying, "Alex,
at last we'll be together."

Dad, I-I guess
you could just say

that I-I kind of became
a... a money-holic.

Dad, I need help.

Dad, uh,

you left me in charge,

and I let you down
in every possible way.

I was immature,

I was irresponsible,

and, uh, and I was greedy.

I'm sorry.

(groans)

He's coming around.

For months Steven would wake up
in the middle of the night

screaming about kangaroos.

Well, Pop,

I-I bet you look back

on that whole incident now
and laugh.

(Alex chuckles)

(groans)

Uh, I think we've all

become a lot more responsible
since then.

It's because your father and I
have set such a good example.

Yes, we've taught you

to think clearly
and rationally before you act.

I'm Ruben Tedesco.

Your children call me
Mr. Tedesco.

I think you should, too.

I teach European literature.

If you don't belong
in this classroom, don't worry.

Neither do most
of your children.

I'd like to make this
an open forum.

I'll answer any intelligent
questions you may have.

- Well, I was wondering...
- Hands please.

Yes, the lady in the front row.

- Mr. Tedesco...
- Not you.

The one next to you,
the old bag.

(gasping)

Why do you give out
so much homework?

I said intelligent questions.

Next.

Yes, you.

My son, he says you pick on him.

You call him names.

Who's your son?

Larry Morgan.

Larry the Loser?

Madame, your son
is an insipid pimple-faced liar.

Anyone else?

Please identify yourself.

I'm Mrs. Binney.

My daughter, Mindy,

so enjoyed reading
The Little Prince.

Is there anything else
you'd recommend for her?

Yes, I'd recommend
she lose pounds.

You could lose yourself.
Next?

My, my,
such an inquisitive bunch.

I have something to say.

Mr. Tedesco,

I think you owe Mrs. Binney

and everyone else in here
an apology.

ALL:
Yes.

You-you've been terribly rude
and insulting to us all.

(overlapping chatter)

Mrs. Keaton,
it's clear that your son

does not get his intelligence
from you.

If you feel
I'm being insulting, fine.

I won't insult anyone anymore.

This little get-together
is over.

I'm leaving.

(angry chatter)

Sorry, the game is over.
Let me through.

Don't push me.

- Move it, Grandma.
- (gasping)

You can't do that.

Who's gonna stop me?

I came to apologize
for my wife's behavior.

She feels terrible
about the whole thing.

She's really sorry.

We both are.

I could sue, you know.

Look, uh, look,

let-let-let-let's try
to gain some perspective

on the situation here.

Uh, haven't you ever done
something without thinking,

something you regretted later?

Yes, I showed up
for parents' night.

Look, look, I know you're upset
and you have every right to be.

But you're obviously a very
intelligent, civilized person

who can recognize
this incident for what it is.

An aberration.

And I hope
you'll forgive and forget.

Fortunately, Mr. Keaton,

your son inherited
your rational temperament.

For his sake,

I will allow myself
to be appeased by your words.

I am nothing if not civilized.

Well,

I can see that.

Your wife, however,
is an Amazon.

Part Irish, part French,
no Amazon.

You know what I mean, Keaton.

She's primal.

Not fully evolved.

You must have a tough time
keeping her in line.

Tell me,

do whips ever enter the picture?

I think I'll be going now.

No, I'm curious,
what's it like to live

with that kind
of unbridled she-devil?

Good-bye, Mr. Tedesco.

No wait, just one more question.

Does she ever, uh...

- (laughs)
- Why, you...

Now, now, June,
I don't want you to get the idea

that-that we condone v*olence.

No, no, not at all.

Yeah, just don't make
any sudden moves.

- You'll be all right.
- (baby crying)

Oh, Andy.

What's wrong, honey?

We've been doing
all the talking.

I guess he feels left out.

I know how he feels.

You know, if Andrew could talk,

I bet he'd have a story
or two to tell you.

Hey, your wife's on television.

- She looks great.
- ♪ Thou wilt still be adored ♪

STEVEN: She sure does.

♪ As this moment thou art ♪

♪ Let thy loveliness fade
as it will ♪

This is my favorite part.

Wait till you hear the way
she hits this one note.

Each b*at of my... ♪

(shrieks) Oh! Oh!

Wow, she really nailed it
that time.

(shrieking continues)

STEVEN: Don't stop, Elyse.

Why did she stop?

- (phones ringing on TV)
- I'm sorry.

I think I'm going into labor.

Oh, well,
that-that explains it.

Labor?

Steven, are you watching?

Of course I am.

This is it.

Uh, Steven, if you're watching,
meet me at the hospital.

Elyse, I'll be there
in minutes.

Be there in ten minutes.

Ten minutes,
and I'll get your suitcase.

And don't forget my suitcase.

Stop nagging. I'm coming.

- Steven!
- Come on, Dad.

- Come on, Dad. - Go!

- Hurry.
- ELYSE: Steven!

Okay, now,
let's give June a chance.

We've been doing
all the talking ourselves.

Yeah, I really do want
to see what London looks like.

Oh, well, it's pretty much
what you would expect,

except that people drive
on the wrong side of the street.

Hey, Mal, you'd fit right in.

June, we're all going
to be quiet now,

so you can tell us
about your trip.

- Yes.
- Go ahead.

Well, okay,

when I first got to London,

- it was really foggy.
- Hi, June.

- STEVEN: Hi, honey.
- Jennifer, hi.

It's nice to see you.

Oh, it's good to see you, too.

Well, you look great.

Oh, so do you.

Did I miss much about your trip?

Oh, no, not a word.

Well, I want to hear everything.

Okay.

Okay, now,
no more interruptions.

Well, anyway, as I was saying,

when I first got there,
I met this really terrific guy.

Oh, well, you should meet
this guy Adam.

He's really smart
and cute and funny.

Jennifer, Jennifer,

we don't want to hear
about it, okay?

I want to hear about
Margaret Thatcher.

By the way, how did...
how did Adam do with the...

(everyone talking at once)

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)