07x02 - Arnold and Lisa's Mother

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ They got different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪

♪ So what, they'll have theirs ♪

♪ You'll have yours,
and I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ Because it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

- Boy, Arnie, this
is great, fantastic!

I've never seen one like it.

What is it?

(audience laughing)

- It's a volcano, dummy.

- And a darn good one, too.

It's so real.

Did you really
invent paper mache?

(audience laughing)

- That's right, but
don't tell anybody.

I don't like to brag.

(audience laughing)

- Make it work for me, Arnold.

- I can't, I still haven't figured
out what to use for lava.

My best idea so far is to
put the volcano over my face

and spit chili.

(audience laughing)

- My, that's a mighty proud
looking volcano, Arnold.

- Mama, did you know
that Arnold invented...

- Ah, that's okay, Sam!

(audience laughing)

Remember, modest, modest.

- Arnold, you're gonna knock
them dead at the science fair.

- I've got to, everybody's
dependent on me

to b*at that grungy Lisa.

- Lisa, that cute little girl
that came here for your party?

- Yeah, the day before
we had the place fumigated.

(audience laughing)

- Now, Arnold.

- I can't help it, dad.

That Lisa, she's the
Amityville teenager.

(audience laughing)

- I know that she always
gives you a hard time

but maybe if you
look a little deeper,

you'll find a very
nice person there.

- Dad, you need blasting
powder to get that deep.

(audience laughing)

- I think maybe she
just likes you a lot.

- Likes me?

She sure has a strange
way of showing it.

- Well, young girls
sometimes act that way when

they don't know quite
how to get your attention.

Now, I remember a boy in
my school, Billy Bob Baker.

(audience laughing)

I was so crazy about him.

I used to rub gum
in his hair and...

(audience laughing)

Stuff day old
catfish in his desk.

Why even now, I think
of Billy Bob every time I

open a menu that
reads catch of the day.

- Catfish, well, how
do you think of me?

- Well, you're the dessert menu.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

Come on, Phillip
Bob (mumbles) gonna

drop you off in the limo.

- Oh, boy, a ride in the limo!

I love the way everyone
peeks in and I get to go...

(audience laughing)

- Sam, when I was a child,
I never made faces like that.

I used to make them like this.

- Let's go, children.

(loud bang)

(audience laughing)

- Robbie, can you help me
hook up this stupid volcano

before my brain blows a fuse?

- Arnold, it's simple, just
hook up the green wire.

- You boys are vying the
spread of the science fair.

If you nunkheads would
remember correctly,

everyone is supposed to
do their projects on their own.

- Lisa, why don't
you soak your face

in this jar of formaldehyde?

(audience laughing)

- She better not, she'll
scare the dead worms.

(audience laughing)

- Knock it off or I'm
telling the teacher.

- Go ahead, see if we care.

- Mrs. James.

- All right, we care,
we care, we care.

(audience laughing)

- Yes, Lisa, what is it?

- Arnold's getting help
on his science project

and Dudley hasn't
even started his yet.

My project's been ready
for over a week now.

I've also cleaned test tubes,
polished the Bunson burners

and washed all the frogs legs.

- You missed a couple.

(audience laughing)

- Arnold.

Lisa, thanks, I wish I had
more students like you.

- I don't blame you.

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

- Well, class, this
looks like goodbye since

I'm gonna be a
little busy for a while.

Your new teacher will
be here on Monday,

so whoever it is, please
behave yourselves.

I hope the science
fair goes well.

Good luck and I'll miss you all.

- Goodbye, Mrs. James.

I will always cherish my
fond memories of you.

And I will try to make
the world a better place

to live by keeping an
eye on troublemakers

like Arnold Jackson and
his band of merry twits.

(audience laughing)

(sizzling)

- Oh man, Arnold, you
know Lisa's gonna make

problems for us
with the new teacher.

- Yeah, I know, we don't
need her getting us into trouble.

- We can do that ourselves.

- Hey, I've got an idea.

Let's b*at Lisa to the punch
and put that teacher's pet

right where she
belongs, in the doghouse.

- Yeah, I'd love to do
something to get that bow wow.

- Hey, if this works,
old Kibble breath

will be licking our faces.

Now listen, come
here, here's the plan.

- Careful, Arnold.

- Don't spill it, it will
stink up this place.

- With Lisa around,
who'd know the difference?

(audience laughing)

- Okay, switch
this stuff with Lisa's.

- Now, are you sure
that when she uses this,

her experiment
will go up in smoke?

- Absolutely.

- Boy, this is a really
rotten thing to do.

- [Both] Thank you.

(audience laughing)

- I'm proud to be
apart of it myself.

- And this is your
new classroom.

I see to it that
it's always neat.

- Lisa's all ready kissing
up to the new teacher.

- Well, it won't work because
after tomorrow's science fair,

she'll be one big fool.

(bell ringing)

- Could I have everyone's
attention please?

We have a new addition
to Roosevelt Junior High.

It gives me great pleasure
to introduce our new

science teacher, Mrs. Haze.

(applauding)

- Haze!

When she finds out you
both got the same last name,

she'll change hers.

(audience laughing)

- I doubt that, Arnold,
she's my mother.

- What you talking about, Lisa?

(audience laughing)

- Good morning, boys and girls.

- [Class] Good
morning, Mrs. Haze.

- Well, I'm pleased
to meet you, class.

I've heard so much
about all of you from Lisa.

- Oh, no.

(audience laughing)

- Well, we have a whole
semester to get to know each other,

so get to work on
your science projects

and give me a few
minutes to settled.

- Why don't they give us
blindfolds and cigarettes

and get it over with?

(audience laughing)

- Well, well, well, if it
isn't the three stooges,

Larry, Moe, and Stupid.

(audience laughing)

I guess it's only fair to
warn you that my mother

listens to everything I say,

and she wants me to point
out any troublemakers, got it?

- You don't scare us, Lisa.

- Speak for yourself, stupid.

(audience laughing)

- You won't have any
problems with me, ma'am.

- Uh, what's with you two?

- Unlike you,
they're smart, Arnold.

If you step out
of line just once,

you'd be serving a life
sentence on Detention Road.

- But...

- Yes, Arnold?

(audience laughing)

- I was just trying to say
that you have your mothers

good looks and charm.

- Why thank you, moon face.

(audience laughing)

You know, I think this
arrangements working out just fine.

- We like it.

- And I like it even
more than he does.

Would you like my lunch money?

(audience laughing)

- No, thank you but
that's the right spirit.

You know, Arnold, the
best thing is you can't do ugly

jokes about me anymore.

- How come you can
still do them to me?

- Because in
your case it's true.

(audience laughing)

- THat's a good one, Lisa.

- Sharp wit, ma'am.

- You slithering cowardly
nerds better watch it

because I'm wise to you, too.

- Yes, Lisa, we're sorry
for the way we slither.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, it's our own fault.

We shouldn't have let Arnold
be such a bad influence on us.

- Uh, me?

A bad influence?

- If Nancy Reagan
had grown up with you,

she'd be knocking
over banks now.

(audience laughing)

Well, I better get to class.

As you know, I'm never late.

- Goodbye my little daffodil.

(audience laughing)

Boy, being nice
to her is m*rder!

And you two turncoats
were a big help!

- Sorry about that, Arnold,
we won't do that anymore.

Will we, Dudley?

- Of course not.

What are we gonna
get her for Christmas?

- Look, we've got bigger
problems than Christmas!

We've gotta sneak
in after school and

switch her solutions back.

- Right, if Lisa's
experiment blows up during

the science fair,
she'll know it's us and

we'll be dead meat.

- Did anyone happen
to notice anything?

- Only that when I see you,

the word gorgeous comes
screaming to my lips.

(audience laughing)

- Then why am I
carrying my own books?

- Give me that!

Okay, the coast is clear,

now let's get these solutions
switched and get out of here.

Now, Robbie, you got
the signal straight, right?

- Yeah, I bang on the locker
twice if someone's coming.

- Good, let's hurry up because
if we get caught in here,

we could get expelled.

- Expelled, I think I better
go help Robbie stand guard.

- Get back here!

Come on!

(loud banging)

- Hi, ma'am, bye, ma'am.

(audience laughing)

- We gotta hide, come on!

- I knew this was a bad idea.

- (mumbles) it's just a janitor.

(audience laughing)

(applauding)

(audience laughing)

- Mother.

- Lisa, what are
you still doing here?

You're supposed to be home
taking care of your brothers.

- Well, I was on my way home
when I saw some students

riding their bikes
through the schoolyard.

I tried to give them a warning
but they wouldn't listen.

Here's a list of the offenders.

If they have a check mark,

it means they were
doing wheelies too.

(audience laughing)

- You know I hate it
when you tattle on people.

- [Lisa] But mother,
they were also...

- Lisa, that's enough.

Now, you're 13 years old, I
expect you to act like an adult.

You're supposed to
help run the house.

We made an agreement
right after your father d*ed,

didn't we?

- Sorry, mother.

- Well, sorry's not good enough.

You should be home by now.

Tonight's laundry night and
you have to give me a hand.

You know I have
lesson plans to do.

I'm really angry with you, Lisa.

You can just forget about that
slumber party this weekend.

- But mother!

- That's enough!

Now, come on, I'll
give you a ride home.

(audience laughing)

Let's go, Lisa.

- Did you hear that?

Lisa's mother doesn't
like to hear her tattling.

We've been nice
to her for nothing.

- Don't feel bad, Arnold,
I told her she was pretty,

I gotta sterilize my tongue.

(audience laughing)

Come on, let's switch the
solutions and get out of here.

- Wait a minute, who
cares if she tells on us now?

- Hey, you're right.

We'll leave it for
tomorrow night

and let it blow up in her face.

(light talking)

- You know, this is just great.

It really brings back
memories of the science fairs

we used to have
when I was a student.

- Did they have
electricity back then?

(audience laughing)

- Of course they
had electricity.

My lab partner was Ben Franklin.

(audience laughing)

- (mumbles) Robbie, that
looks pretty complicated.

- Nah, don't let that scare
you, Maggie, I took chemistry.

To me, that looks like the
molecular structure of an atom.

Right?

- It's the molecular
structure of a banana split.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that was gonna
be my second guess.

- What are you doing?

- Putting a cherry on top.

- Cherry on top!

- Look who's coming.

- Listen, you jerks, I'm
gonna have a lot of stuff

to carry home afterwards
and I expect some help.

- Lisa, I will kiss that
dead fish before I help you.

(audience laughing)

And that's with the
hook still in his mouth.

- Knock it off or I'm
telling my mother.

- Go ahead, see if I care.

- All right, I'll let
you off this time.

- May I have everyone's
attention, please.

Would you all come over here.

Thank you.

I'd like to welcome you all
to this year's science fair.

We'd like to begin with a
demonstration of a working

volcano by Arnold Jackson.

(applauding)

- Thank you.

Volcanoes are formed
when molten lava is

forced through a cr*ck
in the earth's crust.

And it travels for
miles up to the surface

where it erupts through
the mouth of a volcano,

which is actually a mountain.

And I'm now about to
demonstrate with this model.

Okay, now, everybody stand back.

Right back here.

Here we go.

Okay, like so, and...

(audience oohing)

- Smells like tomato sauce.

- Ragu.

(audience laughing)

- My, it's got heartburn.

(applauding)

- Thank you, thank you.

- Well, thank you,
Arnold, very impressive.

- That was great, dear.

Oh, sorry.

(audience laughing)

- And now over here,
we have Lisa Haze

and the miracle of crystals.

(applauding)

- Thank you.

(giggling)

I hope you all enjoy
this, at least those of you

who are still awake after
that last demonstration.

Now, you're all in
for a big surprise.

- More than you know, Lisa.

- By combining
these ingredients,

I'll create a spectacular
underwater rock garden

in our glorious school colors.

(coughing)

- And she thought
my experiment stunk.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

(mumbles)

- Oh, that's a shame.

- Oh well, they laughed
at the Wright brothers too.

(audience laughing)

Excuse me, I wanna go
tell her she can do it again.

In fact, anyone can whose
experiment doesn't work.

Leon, start opening
up some windows.

- All right, we scored.

- Yeah, we really
got her, huh, Arnold?

- Yeah, we sure did.

- I thought Arnold's
was the best.

- But that expl*si*n
was the neatest thing

at the science fair.

Right, Arnold?

- Yeah.

- Arnold, is something
troubling you?

- Who, me, no, I'm fine.

(audience laughing)

- Sam, why don't you go
help Pearl fix us some dessert?

- But I want to stay and
try to cheer Arnold up.

- We're having ice cream, Sam.

- Cheer up, Arnold.

(audience laughing)

- What's on your mind, Arnold?

- Well, it has to do
with Lisa's project.

- Come here, son.

Did you boys have
something to do with that?

- Yeah, we sabotaged it.

- Arnold, why would you
do something so terrible?

- When you deal
with a person like Lisa,

terrible is a good
place to start.

(audience laughing)

And she was torturing us.

- No, torturing you?

- Oh, dad, ever since her
mother became a teacher,

she's made us carry her
books and be polite to her,

or she's threatened to tattle
on every little thing we did.

- Well, why would
she act like that?

- Maybe she's spoiled.

- Dad, she always
smells like that.

(audience laughing)

You know, I've had
it in for her for years

but I started to really feel
bad when she started crying.

- Well, you should've.

You destroyed her
experiment, you insulted her

in front of the entire class.

That was a very insensitive
thing for you to do.

Young man, you are grounded.

- Thanks for making
me feel better, dad.

(audience laughing)

- You deserve it
and you know it.

Now Arnold, when a kid
acts the way Lisa does,

there's always a reason
and it usually starts at home.

- Well, she's got no father and

her mother really
pushes her hard.

She has to take care
of her little brothers

and run the whole house.

Lisa's like Cinderella
and the ugly stepsisters

all rolled into one.

(audience laughing)

- I feel for her mother.

It's not easy being
a single parent.

- You and I can
both identify with that.

- But dad, you raised
me and I turned out great.

(audience laughing)

- Arnold, it's much
easier for me,

I can afford help, a
housekeeper, a chauffer,

anything else we need.

- And since so many of those
duties and responsibilities

fall on Lisa's shoulders,
it can't be easy for her.

- Now Arnold, I want
you to think of someway

that you can make
this up to Lisa.

- Well, I guess I could start
by being a lot nicer to her.

Nah.

- Arnold.

(audience laughing)

- All right, I'm
thinking, I'm thinking.

Uh, uh, excuse me, Mrs. Haze.

- Yes, Arnold, what is it?

- Um...

I wanted to talk
to you about, um...

Your new skeleton.

- What about it, Arnold?

- He's a lot better looking
than the last one we had.

Personally, I think the
last one was too skinny.

(audience laughing)

- Arnold, I'm awfully busy.

Now, tell me,
what's on your mind.

- Well, I think there's a
problem between you and Lisa.

- A problem?

- Yeah, this maybe
none of my business but

I just feel that you're giving
her too much responsibility.

- You're right, Arnold,
it's none of your business.

There's no problem
between Lisa and me.

- Well, maybe you don't
understand, you see...

- Arnold, you're out of line.

Lisa and I get along just fine.

Now, if there's nothing
else, I have work to do.

- Well, I was just
trying to, you know...

- Bye, Arnold.

- I'm sorry, bye.

- And someday, our schools
will be totally computerized

and students will use
them for everything,

even to play hooky.

Now, that's progress.

(audience laughing)

Thank you.

(applauding)

- Look at Lisa.

- Yeah, she's been real
sad since the science fair.

- Yeah, now she's almost human.

(audience laughing)

- And next we'll hear
from Arnold Jackson

with a report on the
development of solar energy.

- Um...

Uh, Mrs. Haze, I didn't
exactly write my report

on solar energy.

- What did you write it on?

- Tadpoles.

(audience laughing)

- That's close.

- I wrote a short story instead.

- For science class?

You can kiss your
C minus goodbye.

(audience laughing)

- I hope you have a
good reason for this.

Go ahead, Arnold.

- Once upon a time, there
was a school of tadpoles.

(laughing)

There was a frog who was
like the teacher of the school

and she had a daughter, Tadpole.

All of the tadpoles
called her Jaws.

(audience laughing)

Now this daughter
tadpole was different from

the rest of the schools because
the frog who ran the pond,

made her do grown up things.

She had to clean the
pond, vacuum the lily pads,

and feed the baby tadpoles.

Now, while all the other
tadpoles were having fun,

she had to start doing
grown up frog things

which made her even
uglier than she had been.

Now, a good looking
tadpole tried to point this

problem out to the frog
but she just didn't see it.

I mean, a good looking tadpole.

I'm not just talking
about your OJ Simpson,

Billy D Williams good but...

- We get the point, Arnold.

- Right, so this poor
little daughter tadpole

was forced to leave tadpole
hood and become a frog

before her time.

Thank you.

(applauding)

- Thank you, Arnold.

- That was bad.

- Nice, Arnold.

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

- Class dismissed.

- Bye, Robbie.

Bye, Dudley.

- Well, I guess that just proves
what I've been telling you.

I mean, isn't that just
the stupidest report

you've ever heard?

- I think not, Lisa, I'm
gonna give him an A.

See you at home.

- Uh, Lisa, this is
not easy for me but

I have to make a confession.

It's kind of my fault
that your crystal rock

garden blew up.

- What?

- I sabotaged it.

- Well, Arnold, I'm really
touched that you'd admit

something like that.

There aren't many people
brave enough to be that honest.

- You're not mad?

- Of course, not.

(grunting) (audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(fun playful music)

♪ Now the world can't move
to the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ They got different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

(empowering music)