07x15 - Honest Abe

[bunniefuu]

Abe: Hey, the seniors guys day out was one great idea.

Ben: Yeah, it was four guys, out on the town.

Mike: Eating anything we want...

Jason: Walking past discount jewelers without missing a b*at...

Ben: Hey, you guys remember last month, when mom and Carol came to that Bulls game?

Mike: Oh yeah, remember what she said?It's just not fair because some of the guys were so much taller than the others.

Jason: Guys...

Ben and Mike: What?

Jason: Something is wrong; our train is leaving on time.

Barney: Any of you fellas care to chase your luck?A dollar will get you two.

Jason: No thank you...

Barney: Hey all you got to do is find the queen.

Abe: Barney?

Barney: Abe!!!Hey man, I have been worried sick about you...Where have you been?

Abe: Oh I'm fine, I've been living with the family in the suburbs.

Barney: Oh that's great...Have they found out yet?

Jason: Excuse me, I'm Jason Seaver.

Barney: Oh, Barney Papadakis...Boy you clean up good.You're gone!!

Abe: You look good too Barney'

Barney: Yeah well, it's this new exercise program.Every time I see a transit cop I run a quarter of a mile.

Speaking of which...Mr.Anderson...love the outfit!Blue is your color.

Mr.Anderson: You wouldn't be running any illegal gambling here now would you?

Barney: No, you see actually I was playing 52 card pick up.

Mr.Anderson: With three cards?

Barney: I'm not very good.

Mr.Anderson: b*at it Barney...

Barney: Gotcha...Well so long fellows.I got enough quarters to go to the bus station to walk the whole mily dud.Nice seeing ya Abe.

Abe: See ya Barney.

Jason: So, you know this guy hm?

Abe: Everybody on this street knows Barney.If you need a place to sleep and some food, Barney is the guy to see.

Jason: and if he's good, I guess he can do all right running a cards scam.

Abe: It's not a scam.Barney is New York's only 3 card Monty player.He's got faster hands than warren batty.

Ben: Why does he call you Abe?

Abe: Well, it's because my birthday's the same as Lincoln's.

Mike: Your birthday is December 25th?

Jason: February 12th.

Abe: Right.

Mike: Wait a minute.your birthday is next week?And you didn't tell us about it?

Ben: What are you nuts?How do you expect to get any good presents?

Abe: Hey I don't need any presents.

Ben: Oh Luke....He's Just kidding now...Actually he wants a leather jacket in my size.

Abe: How many times do I have to tell you?I don't want you guys throwing me a party.

Mike: Luke I'm just talking about some potato chips and a balloon or two...

Chrissy: I have a great idea!!

Mike: What?

Chrissy: Go to Chucky cheese.

Ben: Yeah right.Luke really wants to spend his 16th birthday throwing pepperoni at six foot mechanical mice.

Chrissy: Now that's a party!

Ben: The secret to a great party is who isn't there when you have it.

Abe: Hu?

Ben: You know, a more private gathering.

Abe: You mean just you and me?

Maggie: What Ben is trying to say is that you should wait until Jason and I are out and have a wild party here in the house.

Ben: Or we could do that...

Jason: Forget it.

Ben: Hey it was mom's idea.

Abe: Ok,ok,ok, I give up.You can throw me a party.

Mike: All right!!!

Abe: But please, don't make it a big deal, all right?

Mike: How can we?Mom and dad insist on being there.

Ben: Look, the party is going to be a dud.But we can still make out like a bandit on the gifts.

Abe: But I don't want any gifts.

Ben: would you quit thinking of yourself?

Maggie: Ok Chrissy, time for.....Chrissy.....were you playing in my jewelry box again after I told you not to?

Chrissy: Why would you think that?

Maggie: Because Mr.Blowhole is wearing my good pearl earrings.

Chrissy: Bad whale!!Bad whale!!!

Mike: You know guys, I'm going to make this the best birthday party ever.I've got an idea.This idea is so great, it even scares me.

Jason: Last time he said that, I lost my eyebrows.

Maggie: Hi Dwight.

Dwight: Here's the keys to the wagon.

Maggie: Did carol's plane get off safely?

Dwight: Unfortunately yes.

Don't get me wrong...I'm glad she's alive and all but what the heck am I going to do for a month while she's away doing research at the British museum?

Jason: Oh don't take it so hard Dwight, she's going to be back before you know it.Which reminds me, her plane left 6 hours ago...Where have you been?

Dwight: Well I stood there and I watched the vapor trail from her plane evaporate.

Maggie: For 6 hour?

Dwight: No, for five minutes.And then I did what any red blooded American man would do.

Jason: Dwight have you been drinking?

Dwight: Well, I'd be a liar if I didn't confess.I went down and I knocked back a few yuhus at the bleaker's street cinema.

Maggie: You went to the movies?

Dwight: And I saw the avant-garde film festival winner, death of an avocado.

Jason: Let me just guess here, but the ending had something to do with guacamole?

Dwight: We see this blue lawn chair.Then this old man comes, and he sits down on it and he plays the xylophone, and then he dies.

Maggie: That's it?

Dwight: It's a statement about mans tautological search for metaphysical comfort.

Maggie: Where's the avocado?

Dwight: There is no avocado.Well, that would be a little bit obvious don't you think?

Maggie: My little pony?Is this the banner Luke wanted us to get?

Chrissy: It's Luke's favorite.

Maggie: Are you sure?

Chrissy: It's someone's favorite.

Jason: Hey...you know I don't know why more people don't shop down at Morts party warehouse.They have some great deals down there...Look at this.

Maggie: What's that supposed to be?

Jason: It's pin the tail on the hamster.I got it for free with the purchase of 20 party hats.

Maggie: Jason, this is Greek.Does it say happy birthday?

Jason: Well the salesman wasn't sure.It's either that or Dukakis in 88.

Maggie: Oh honey I'm sorry to insinuate that you were cheap.

Maggie: Oh he and Dwight went to get more ice cream.

Jason: Dwight 's here again?

Maggie: Well honey he misses Carol and he's lonely.

Jason: Yeah but it seems the last couple of days every time I turn around I there's Dwight.

Maggie: Jason, you are exaggerating.

Jason: Last night he was reading the newspaper over my shoulder, in the bathroom.

Maggie: Leave him alone...besides he and Ben are really starting to get along.

Dwight: So you see the lawn chair symbolizes the anthropological conundrum that is this very existence.

Ben: That's great Dwight.I never thought I'd hear my self say these words, but get Carol back now.

Jason: Well maybe we can find something exotic to put on top.

Dwight: Oh, I'm way ahead of you.Creamed corn!!!

Mike: Luke get down here.Everybody else, come here, quick.

Dwight: Whoa, you got cream corn, you got a party.

Mike: Luke, you ready for your birthday present?

Chrissy: Mommy, daddy, Barney showed me how to do a card trick.

Maggie: Oh great, sweetie...let's see.

Chrissy: Find the queen, where's she hiding?feeling lucky today, buddy?

Barney: Come on kid, maybe we should talk to them a little later...

Abe: No come on Barney, show them how you do it.

Barney: Nooo...

Chrissy: He's a lot better than I am.Maggie, Jason: Oh come on Barney let's see...

Barney: Well, ok.Find the queen, where's she hiding?Tower eleven, Buckingham palace, motel 6?

Ben: No offense Barney but you got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Ben Seav.....How did you do that?

Barney: Well, ill tell ya...this is a lot better than your last birthday uh Abe?

Maggie: Why what happened?

Abe: Oh, Barney and some of the guys snuck me into the zoo after-hours.Boy, did we eat well that night!

Jason: What did you eat?

Barney: It's a gift.

Jason: It sounds like Luke was pretty lucky to have you looking out for him.

Barney: Yeah, well...you are gonna have to excuse me; I have to answer natures call.

Mom: Oh, Barney, why don't you go upstairs, second door on the right.

Barney: Force of habit.

Mike: So everybody, what do you say we play some games?

Everybody: Yeah all right.

Dwight: Oh I have a great one.

Ben: What?Spin the duffus?

Dwight: Maybe later.This is called semantics.Someone names a word, and then we all try to give it subtle shades of meaning.

Dwight: I've noticed that.

Jason: Maybe we can build up to that, but now how about a rousing game of pin the tail on the hamster.

Maggie: Where's the camera?I want to get a picture of this.

Jason: Upstairs, our closet.

Abe: Oh I'll get it.

Dwight: Uhm, I just have one question about this hamster thing.How do we hold the little guy down?

Abe: What were you doing?

Barney: Uh, just seeing how the other half lives.You know this statue thing pulls this whole room together?

Barney: Abe, how could you say something like that?I was on my way to the bathroom and the door was opened.I know I shouldn't have come in here but....

I saw the jewelry box on the dresser.I used to look through my moms all the time.Hers had this little dancing ballerina in it.

And I just wanted to see if this one had one too.

Abe: Barney I'm sorry.Yeah, you know I shouldn't have jumped to a conclusion like that.Hey, you forgive me?

Barney: Yeah sure...come on let's go back down stairs.By the way, what's with the Dukakis hats?

Mike: You're warm.Really really warm.

Maggie: Dwight, Dwight...

Maggie: No no no.

Dwight: I can't leave now, I'm winning.

Mike: Luke what do you say we open up the presents huh?

Dwight: This one is from me and Carol.

Abe: The complete works of Schopenhauer.

Dwight: I knew it...you already read it.

Abe: Even not in its original German.

Ben: All right, now mine.

Abe: Mega slime, hammer and sickle, the nurses?

Ben: Yeah, it's got their hit single, "turn your head and cough"

Abe: Can I borrow your walkman sometime?

Ben: Sure.

Abe: All right.

Jason: Hey, you wanna open ours next.

Abe: Hey my own walkman...thanks.

Jason: Happy birthday.

Maggie: Uh.

Jason: Hey are those the pearls I gave you for our anniversary?

Mom: No honey they are the real ones.Someone broke them and glued them back together with rubber cement.

Chrissy: Uh, open mine next.

Maggie: I'll be right back.

Chrissy: It's the whole family...that's you.

Abe: thanks, this is the best present I have ever gotten.

Chrissy: will you put it on your wall?

Abe: I'll do it right now, ill even move my Christina apple gate poster.

Chrissy: I made it off the refrigerator.Finally the big time.

Mom: Oh no Luke, I'm just looking for an old ring my grandmother gave me, its usually right in here.

The box was open; Chrissy must have been playing with my jewelry again.Luke, Barney wasn't in here at all was he?

Abe: Barney?

Maggie: Oh my god, what a horrible thing to say, I'm sorry.I mean I know just because he's homeless doesn't mean he would steal.

Mom: No it isn't and I'm very sorry.I mean Carol loves that ring.I bet she borrowed it to take it to England, how silly of me.

Come on birthday boy.Let's go back down stairs.

Abe: I'll be down in just a second, I'm just gonna hang this up.

Mom: Ok.

Mike: You got three words, third word is....uuuhh...sounds like....Big!

Ben: Hugh!

Chrissy: Hair.

Dwight: Big huge hair, a dolly parton movie.

Ben: If it was a dolly parton movie it be big huge...

Jason: Ben!

Ben: Ok, ok, sounds like hair....

Dwight: Oh hair stair, old contrair, smoking hair....Sunny in chair!!!!

Chrissy: Time!

Jason: Already?It was truth or dare.And you wait until it's your turn Dwight.

Ben: All right, my turn.

Mike: Planet of the apes.Sorry, just popped out.

Jason: Moving...

Mike: You are stealing, you are a robber...

Jason: A layer.

Abe: Thief.To catch a thief.

Everybody: All right!

Abe: Hey Barney it's getting a little chilly in here, want to help me go start a fire?

Barney: Sure, where do you keep the trash can?

Chrissy: My turn.Ben and Mike: No no.

Mom: No, come on, it's only fair that Chrissy gets her turn.

Ben: Come on she always reads them wrong.Last time we spent half an hour truing to figure out the sound of mustard.

Barney: Boy, you could cook a lot of potatoes with that...

Barney: Not that again, I told you I was just looking around.

Abe: I want the ring.

Barney: No.

Abe: I don't believe this, how could you just steal something like that?

Barney: Well, it's to feed my addiction.I'm going through a food withdrawal.

Abe: But how could you do it to the people who were nice enough to take me in?Hey you don't need that ring; you do fine playing 3 card Monty.

Barney: Hey come on, there probably wondering where we are...we could have chopped the whole tree down by now, let's go.

Abe: Don't make me call the cops.

Barney: I don't believe you.You stand there in those designer clothes, and now you tell me it's wrong to steal?

What do you think is going to happen to you when you turn 18?They got four kids.Think they are going to get you a car?

Think that they are going to send you to college?Two years from now, you are going to be back out on the street.Your not one of them, you're one of us.

You know it, and I know it.And that's why your not going to call the cops, are you?

Abe: No.

Barney: Abe, come on, I don't like to see you like this.I'll tell you what were going to do.We will play 3 card Monty for the ring.

And maybe you can win it back from me fair and square.

Abe: What's fair about that?You always win.

Barney: I'll up the odds.I'll give you three tries.Find the queen just once, you get the ring.

Abe: And if I don't?

Barney: I get to eat regular for a few months.

Everybody: Uh, big nose...big nose, bob hope, Barbara Streisand...

Mike: Pinocchio.Yeah, I got it.

Jason: Wait a minute, this says dangerous liaison.

Chrissy: I like Pinocchio better.

Barney: Well folks, I hate to eat and run but I got to get back into town.

Abe: Hey Barney, I thought we were going to play a little three card Monty.

Barney: You wanna play?

Abe: I said so.

Barney: Well, all right.

Maggie: Oh good.

Ben: Oh no offense, but my money is on Barney.

Jason: Me too.

Barney: Ok, once upon a time there was a sleeping beauty, and a handsome prince had to open the right door, to wake her with a kiss.Sorry, wrong door.

Find the queen, where's she hiding, upstairs downstairs, in my lady's chamber?Tough luck kid, try again.

Mike: Face it Luke, you said it yourself, nobody can b*at this guy.

Abe: I choose this one, because if this is the two, and this is the seven, then this must be the queen.

Everybody: Hey, all right, yeah.

Maggie: So if everybody is finished playing games, in the kitchen.Everyone except Luke.

Jason: I'll get the forks.

Mike and Ben: Right.

Dwight: I'll get the plates and the cream corn.

Barney: You knew the whole time?

Abe: Actually I really thought you were the worlds only honest three card Monty player.

Abe: That still doesn't change the fact that this kind of stuff is wrong.Hey, why don't you get a job, you know?Start over.

Barney: That's easy for you to say, I don't exactly have the look the employment agencies want.

Abe: Here.

Barney: What's this for?

Abe: Something to remember me by.

Barney: Hmm, this should impress the guys.Mind if I...

Abe: Go ahead and pawn it.It should get you a few weeks downtown and some food.Hey, and some clothes for job interviews.

Barney: Thanks Abe.Take care of yourself, happy birthday.

Everybody: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Luke, happy birthday to you.

Jason: Did Barney leave already?

Abe: Yeah he just left.

Maggie: Well come on birthday boy, blow out your candles.

Abe: Oh no thanks, I'm not really that hungry.

Jason: Something wrong?

Abe: No.

Dwight: Oh, I know what it is.

I always get depressed after parties, the balloons start to deflate, the guests all leave, water picks all get put away...Excuse me;

I have something in my eye.

Maggie: Oh come on its not over yet, Luke you haven't even finished opening your presents.

Abe: Yes I have.

Jason: Not this one.

Abe: Well, what is it?

Jason: That's a savings bond, for college.

Abe: You guys don't have to do this for me.

Jason: Well we didn't do it because we have to Luke, we did it because you are part of this family.

Maggie: Happy birthday.

Everybody: Happy birthday Luke.