07x18 - The Five Fingers of Ben

[bunniefuu]

Public Announcement: Attention people; those interested in testifying at Nurse Downer's parole hearing should report to the office.Have a nice day.

Luke: All right, there she is.The time to strike is now.

Ben: Nothing weird hanging out of my nose?

Luke: Just the usual.

Ben: What?That's it!I'm not going!

Luke: Just get over there and talk to her.

Ben: Hi, Becka.

Becka: Hi, Ben.

Ben: Listen...

Razor: Hey!Four eyes!Did I say that you could talk to Becka?

Ben: Actually, my name's Ben.

Razor: Shut up!You know, I don't like your attitude.I don't like the way you talk.I don't even like the way you breath.

Ben: Less nasal?More nasal?A little more through the mouth?

Razor: In fact, the only thing I do like about you is your cap.

Ben: Thanks, I just got it.

Razor: Give it to me.

Ben: What?

Razor: Take it off your head, and put it in my hand by the time I count to three.One!Two...Chicken.Why don't you cluck?

Ben: Look, Razor, I know you're a tough guy, but there are certain things I will not do.Uh, so what are we talking here?

Like, Rhode Island red, which is kind of a...(clucking)?Like a Jersey giant, which is kind of ....(clucking)?

Maggie: Chrissy, I told you to get in the bath.

Chrissy: I don't want to.

Jason: (clearing throat)

Chrissy: Okay, daddy!Whatever you say!

Maggie: Wait a minute.She ignores me totally, and you just clear your throat?What is this, some kind of psychological minimalist type of thing?

Jason: No, no.Just kind of a, you know, choking on a Chik-let kind of thing.

Ben: That's it!I've made my decision, and you're not talking me out of it.I want a g*n.

Jason: (gasping) Forget it!

Ben: Okay, you talked me out of it.Here's plan B; I want to take karate lessons.

Jason: Karate?

Maggie: Why?

Ben: You guys remember my brand-new $27 cap?Well, this punk at school named Razor made me give it to him in front of Becka and everybody.

Jason: Come on, Ben, you've had to deal with bullies before...$27 cap?

Ben: This kid is dangerous.He is certified USDA mean.

Jason: Well, I think you should report this to the vice-principal.

Jason: There's gotta be a better way to handle this, Ben.Why don't you just go...?

Ben: What's so about karate?I mean, it's philosophical, it's graceful, and it teaches you how to put your foot through somebody's brain.

Maggie: Oh!Ben, if that's why you want to learn karate, you can forget it.

Ben: Fine!Then let me go look in my closet to see if I have anything else in Razor's size.

Jason: Ben!Wait a minute, Ben.Maggie, maybe it's not such a bad idea to let him take a few karate lessons.

Maggie: No way.

Jason: Well, you don't know what it's like.You've never had somebody bully you around at school.

Maggie: Well, as a matter of fact, Didi Ribozo tried to keep me from using the girl's bathroom the entire junior year.

Jason: So what did you do?

Maggie: I gave up liquids during school hours.

Jason: See, you gave in.That's not the way you want Ben to solve this.

Maggie: Well, I know that, Jason.But I also don't want him putting his foot through someone's brain.

Jason: Well, right now, someone's brain is inside Ben's cap.

I don't like v*olence any more than you do, but we're both gonna feel better if he knows how to protect himself.

Maggie: Yeah, but I just wish there was some way he could reason with this boy.

Jason: Maggie, it is my experience there are two kinds of people; those you reason with, and those named Razor.

Dwight: Mike, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me sell my car.

Mike: Oh, how could I not help?And Dwight, you could be the man that marries Carol, and takes her far, far away.I'm just thanking you in advance.

Car buyer1: Excuse me.I'm her about the car.

Mike: Oh, yes!I'm telling you, they broke the mold when they made this baby.

Dwight: Oh, I sure hope so.It's got a faulty heater hose, the fan belt's worn out, it doesn't start in the rain, the starter kinda goes ruhn-ruhn,

and when you turn the radio on the lights go off.

Car buyer1: Good luck!

Mike: Dwight!What are you doing?

Dwight: Telling the truth.

Mike: To sell a used car?

Dwight: Mike, you aren't suggesting that I lie, are you?

Mike: No!I'm ordering you to lie.

Dwight: Mike, I've only lied once in my whole life.I told my mother that I'd washed my hands before dinner when I hadn't.

The words were barely out of my mouth, when a very large piece of Skylab came crashing down through our roof.It was an omen, Mike.

Mike: Okay, Chicken Little.Well, then we won't call it lying.We'll just call it accentuating the positive.

You know, try to think of the good things you can say about the car with a clear conscience.

Dwight: If you get hit from behind, there's a pretty good chance it won't explode.

Mike: Great!You see, that's not so hard, is it?

Dwight: No.

Mike: Okay.

Dwight: But I will not lie.

Mike: Dwight, I'm with you 110 percent.Okay, let's talk about it while we roll back the odometer.

Maggie: Okay, Ben, we have to go in back to get your uniform.

Ben: Oh, I'll be right there.

Villian leader: Hey, there, you!Blond boy!People say you are looking around to find me.

Ben: Correct!I hate you with great hatred.

Villian leader: While you are looking for us, we have decimated your little town.

Villian: (laughing) And p*stol-whipped your goldfish.

Ben: Prepare for a very painful death.

Villian leader: Silence!I am tired of this snappy patter.Let us fight and make snappy patter.

Ben: You fight like my aunt Bertha.

Ben: It's a pity there are only five of you.I was hoping to break a sweat.Swamp-dwelling insects.

Villian leader: Destroy him.

Ben: (laughing)

Villian leader: Blond boy!You are not bad, but you must fight with greater dexterity, if you want to challenge me.

Villian leader: And now, I shall laugh in your face.

Ben: Nobody laughs in my face.It is I who shall laugh in yours.(laughing) And now, prepare yourself to taste my fist.

Ben: Ai-yah!

Maggie: Ben, are you okay?

Ben: Oh, yeah!

Sim: Faster!Again!One, two, three, four!

Maggie: Uh, uh, excuse me, excuse me, uh, Master Sim, Master Sim...

Sim: Tell me, Ben.Have you ever seen a fight between cobra and mongoose?

Ben: Uh, just Mike and my dad when the rent's due.

Sim: Same principal; att*ck, counter-att*ck.Get ready!We're gonna go faster now.Go!One, two, three...

Maggie: No!No!Master Sim, please!You might hurt him.

Ben: Aw, mom.

Sim: Ben, take a break.

Maggie: I'm sorry, Master Sim, but this is all much too violent.

Maggie: No, the only hand-to-hand combat I do is at the Macy's white sale.

Ben: No, mom.I'll just be showing you how I'm learning to defend myself.Is that all right Master Sim?

Sim: Yes, but remember your mother has had no lessons, so block her blows, but don't counter-punch.

Ben: Okay, mom.Just try and punch me.

Maggie: Ah!Oh!

Sim: Good footwork, Ben.

Maggie: Okay, Ben.If you're sure.

Ben: Ai-yah!

Maggie: (hitting Ben) Oh!Oh!Oh, my God!Oh, Ben!Are you all right, sweetheart?Oh!Oh, honey!

Mike: Hey, you know, Ben, I've been thinking about your problem.

And I really think that if you keep up this karate, and you study real hard for the next three years, you could take mom.

After that, who knows; grandma, Carol, probably most of the girls at school.

Ben: My mother clocks me.My brother makes fun of me.How much worse can this get?

Maggie: Hey, you, little blond boy.I see you are depressed and humiliated.

Ben: Oh, please, mom.Don't make fun of me.

Maggie: Don't be silly, little blond boy.I would never do such a thing.Unless I had help of course, from family and friends.

Jason: You are so very weak.I have replaced your CD's with....Perry Como records.

Mike: And painted your guitar.

Luke: And stolen your girlfriends.

Jason: And put new sheets on your bed decorated with tiny hearts and flowers.

Ben: Come on, you guys.

Entire family: (karate sounds)

Maggie: I grow weary of these att*cks.Let his friends at school att*ck him.

Ben: No, please, mom, don't make me go to school.

Maggie: Have no fear, little blond boy.We shall send you to school with a fearsome bodyguard.

Chrissy: Ai-yah!I will protect you, little blond boy.And then I shall laugh in your face.

Maggie: Hey, Ben.You didn't finish your breakfast.

Ben: Mom, I made my decision.I'm quitting karate.

Maggie: You want to quit?

Ben: Yeah.I'd quit school but it's illegal.I'd quit the family but I'd starve.Look, you mind if I stay home from school today?I'm not feeling so good.

Maggie: I guess it's all right.

Ben: Thanks.

Car buyer2: Well, it certainly looks fine.I'll take it!

Dwight: Oh, there are a couple of problems that you should probably....

Mike: Uh, say, Dwight, uh.Do you happen to have the same craving for some port wine cheese balls as I do?

Dwight: Why, yes I do.I thought it was just me.

Mike: Boy, I say, why don't you go whip us up some, and I'll, uh, close the deal.

Dwight: Sure.

Car buyer2: What are these problems he's talking about?

Mike: Oh, oh, nothing ma'am.That's just Dwight.He, he happens to think that we're not charging enough.

But since when is selling a car about making money?It's about people helping people, right?

Car buyer2: (sighing) Isn't that sweet!(gasping) Say, what's that black puddle under there?

Mike: Oh, uh, th-that's perfectly normal.Uh, it's, well, just the same way that your body sweats, uh, a car releases moisture.It's, uh, a sign of health.

Car buyer2: Well, my friends say I should have it checked by a mechanic, but you have such an honest face.Shall I make the check out to you?

Dwight: Well, well, well.You told the truth.

Mike: Well, I didn't mean to.It just slipped out.

Dwight: Cheese ball?

Mike: Dufus!Oh, sorry.

Dwight: Well, Mike, I guess you're right.We'll never sell the car by telling the truth.

Mike: Oh, yeah?Well, I got an idea.Dwight, you pop the hood.I'm gonna get my tools.You and I are gonna fix this car.

Mike: Dwight, that's the trunk.

Dwight: Oh, my God!Where have I been putting the oil?

Jason: Okay.All right.We'll deal with Ben your way.

Maggie: Trust me, Jason, it'll work.

Jason: Last time you said that we had to get married.

Maggie: Oh!He's coming.

Jason: Hey, Ben.Your mom says you want to give up karate lessons.

Ben: Look, dad.I tried; I failed; my life is ruined.

Jason: C'mon, that eye's gonna be fine.But there's no reason why you can't go right back to karate class.

Maggie: Jason, what are you talking about?The next person he fights might not love him like I do.

Jason: Well, I don't want our son to give up just because he got hurt, Maggie.

Maggie: Jason, he wasn't just hurt.He was taken out, flattened, destroyed!By his mommy!I'm sorry, pookie, does it still hurt?

Ben: No!I've made peace with being a four-eyed geek, whose butt was kicked by his mother.

Jason: Ben, I don't want you to quit, and I'm gonna tell you why.

Jason: Oh, come on.I mean, you've been down before, Ben, and every time you've been down before,

you've reached down deeper for some of that "heck, I can do it" Seaver spirit, right?

Ben: And I thought you were gonna give me a pep talk.

Jason: And what about the cap thing?

Ben: Wait a minute....

Maggie: Jason, let him quit.

Jason: Oh, we still gotta eat the cost of those karate lessons.

Maggie: Well, Chrissy can take them.

Jason: Ah.

Maggie: Honey, we should just face it.It's obvious that Ben doesn't have the talent, the drive, or the ability.

Jason: God knows, he's a klutz.

Ben: Okay, okay.I'm starting to feel that "heck, I can do it" Seaver spirit.Mom, dad, I'm going back to karate.

And you know, you guys used to be much better at this "good cop, bad cop" thing.

Maggie: So, would you glad trust me?

Jason: Both times.

Sim: Let's go!Huh!

Sim: Recall your kicks.

Maggie: That's great!Great!

Car Buyer3: She's kinda old.How's she holding up?

Mike: Just like brand new, because I have, and may a satellite strike me if I'm lying, not only tuned it up, but I have changed the brakes,

I've checked the alignment, fixed the fuel pump, I have replaced all the hoses, and preset all the radio stations.

Car buyer3: Sounds great!Will you accept a personal check?

Dwight: No!

Car buyer3: Even with two forms of ID?

Dwight: No!

Car buyer3: All right, I'll offer you cash.

Dwight: No!We're not selling.

Mike: Dwight!We're not what?

Dwight: Mike, I only wanted to sell it cause it went (car noises), and now that's gone!It's going vroom-vroom!

And my heart's going thawagada-thawagada-thawagada.

Mike: Dwight, will you join me for a minute in this time zone?

Dwight: Mike, thanks to you I love my car again.And we're not selling!

Mike: Dwight!You cheese-eating, tangle-haired, medieval moron!I put over $500 of labor into this hunk of junk!

Dwight: Thank you.

Luke: Woo!Hey, Ben!Looking fresh.

Ben: Thanks.

Ben: Well, it's Becka.Finally I'm ready to talk to her.

Luke: If Becka's around, so is Razor.

Ben: Don't worry about it.I know what to do.

Ben: Hi, Becka.

Becka: Hi, Ben.

Razor: Hi, geek.

Ben: The name's Ben.

Razor: Oh, that's right.You had it written inside my new hat.

Ben: Look, I don't want any trouble.

Razor: Oh, yeah?Well, you know what I want?I want that nice, new jacket you've got on.

Ben: Okay, he's facing me three-quarters to the left.

That leaves him wide open for a fake jab, step in, back-kick to the ribs, and I can finish him off with a palm thrust to the nose.

Razor: What are you staring at, geek?Am I gonna have to bust you one?I said give it to me now.

Luke: Somebody get the nurse, quick, this guys hurt.

Razor: What are you staring at, geek?Am I gonna have to bust you one?I said give it to me now.

Luke: No.I'm not giving you this jacket, or anything else ever again.

Razor: Whoa!Big man, huh?Big words.All right, geek, c'mon, let's throw.Show me what you've got, tough guy, huh!

C'mon, let's go for it right here, right now!Go for it!

Razor: C'mon, geek, let's go for it.Huh!Huh!

Ben: I'm not gonna fight you.

Razor: Did you hear that?He said he's not gonna fight me, huh.What am I supposed to do, huh?Stand on his feet, and use him like a punching bag?

Luke: Hey, man, you were amazing.

Ben: Thanks.I came real close to getting ugly.

Luke: Well, speaking of ugly, you can forget about Becka.She's not worth it.

Gail: Excuse, me.Ben?

Ben: Yeah?

Gail: I really like the way you handled that creep.

Ben: Thanks.

Gail: Save you a seat at lunch?

Ben: Sure.I'm always hungry.