07x15 - Til Her Daddy Takes the T-Bird Away

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



Oh, what are you working on?

Oh, I'm writing a play
for my history class.

It's about the final days
of Richard Nixon's presidency.

Oh, a comedy.

Well, it's got a little bit
of everything, Mom.

You'll laugh, you'll cry.

I call it "Ain't Misbehavin'...
All Right, Maybe I Am."

- Oh.
- Wait, listen to this.

NIXON (over tape player):
From the discussions I have had

with congressional
and other leaders,

I have concluded that because
of the Watergate matter...

ALEX:
d*ck!

d*ck, you've finally
come for me!

d*ck?

Alex, pull yourself together.
It's just a tape.

I'm writing a play of...
of the day Nixon resigned.

Hey, Jen, that is great.

That is great.

Do you realize
that you are writing a play

about the greatest president
this country has ever known?

Wait a minute, Alex.

You've always said
that Ronald Reagan

was the greatest president.

I heard you say that, too, Alex.

Which is it, Nixon or Reagan?

Ooh, boy. Whew.

Well, Nixon...

has a better body.

Why isn't Mallory home yet?

Ah, who cares?
More oxygen for us.

I don't know. She's probably
still out with Nick.

She knows I need
the car by : .

You'd think between the two
of them, they could tell time.

Yeah, well, maybe if Nick
takes the big hand

and Mallory takes
the little hand...

Nah.

- Hi.
- Hey...

Hey.

Young lady, do you have
any idea what time it is?

Well, no. Nick, do you?

Um...
(groans)

Just glad Darwin
isn't alive to see this.

Didn't I tell you
to get the car back by : ?

I've got something
very important to do today.

Oh, sorry, Dad. We tried,

but the Artists' Alliance
for Peace meeting

ran a little late.

Hey, I want peace
as much as the next guy,

but I've got to get
a new pair of galoshes.

Dad, this is ridiculous.

There are too many drivers in
the house and not enough cars.

It's true, Dad. In a few months,
I'm going to be driving,

and I'm going to need
a car, too.

Yeah, and on Wednesday,
August , ,

I'm gonna need the car to take
Marion Davis to the movies.

She said she'd consider
going out with me

sometime next century.

Dad, you know,
I've been saving up,

and I think I have enough
for a really fun car.

Oh, oh, and you may remember
my dad runs the biggest

and most often sued used car lot
in the Midwest.

Well, I think it's a good idea.

- We could definitely use
another car. - Definitely.

Great. Then Nick and I
will go down to the showroom

- and pick something out.
- Now, wait.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I better go with you.

It's very easy to get swindled
in one of those places.

Dad, it's Nick's dad.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.
All the more reason.

MAN:
Uh, Bill will take care of you.

Congratulations on your vehicle.

Hey...

Hey!

- Hey.
- Hi.

Ho.

Um, Joe, do you remember my dad,
Steven Keaton?

Oh, yes, yes.

Very nice to resume
our relationship.

Always a pleasure.

Hey, um, Dad,
Mal's here to buy a car.

Ooh, la la.

Well, you came
to the right place.

(gasps)
Ooh, I like that one.

No, no, honey.

The only thing
that works in that

is the glove compartment.

Well, uh, hey, we don't want
to waste your time too much.

We'll, uh, get down to business.

Well, well, well, well,
what business?

Whoa, whoa, take it easy.

Come on, let's schmooze
a little bit.

You're family.

Well, inasmuch as we're both
in the family of man.

(clears throat)

Steven, what I am
trying to tell you

is that you can never
waste my time.

Now, come on, sit down.

What's been going on
in your life?

- Well, uh, I'm still...
- I got just the car for you.

Oh, this is, uh...
yeah, I like this.

This looks like
a very sturdy vehicle.

Dad, it looks like something
that broke off a glacier.

Honey, I think this looks nice.

Oh, I like that one.

That cute little Karmann Ghia.

Oh, Mal, Mal, come on,
I don't know about that.

Are you sure this care is safe?

Safe?
I can assure you that it's safe.

I personally use it

to drive back and forth
to the small claims court.

Which is a lot of round trips.

Oh, I'm crazy about it.

How much is it?

(laughing):
Mal, Mal, God...

You got to play
these things cool.

(grunts)

She's crazy about it.

How much is it?

For you?

$ , .

Isn't that a little high?

Okay, all right.

Tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give you
this beauty

for $ , even.

I've never done this before.

I'm doing this
only because I love you.

I love you, too.

$ , .

I love you slightly less.

A deal.

Oh, honey,
it's yours for $ , .

Dad, that's way out of my range.

No problem, Mallory.

Go to a bank
and partake of a loan.

No, I would never qualify.

No, we just better look
for something else.

Well, how it would make you feel

if I were to cosign
for the loan?

Really?

You are the best daddy
in the whole wide world.

- (Steven chuckles)
- MALLORY: Oh, great!

(laughs) You are the best daddy
in the whole wide world.

I'm not cosigning
nothing for you.

- Boo.
- (screams)

(screams again)

Alex, I don't want your help.

Come on.

Jen, I just...
I just came by to see

if you needed any more
source material.

No, thank you, Alex.

I have The Final Days

by Woodward and Bernstein,
I have manuscripts

of the Watergate hearings,

and I have several back copies
of the Washington Post.

Well, that's, uh...
(chuckles)

That's great, Jen.

But I have a much more
reliable publication.

Nixie.

The official magazine
of the Richard Nixon Fan Club,

of which I have been
a charter member since .

You've been the only member
since .

Oh, God, who would want
to see him in a swimsuit?

With the nose clips.

Hey, Jen?

Turn the page.

(gasps)

Come on, he looks great
on the bearskin rug.

Hey, hey.

- Hey. Hey. Where have
you guys been? - MALLORY: Hi.

At the mall.

Yeah, went to the auto
accessories store.

You should see all
the great stuff I got.

Look. "Shopaholic on board."

NICK:
And...

for our driving comfort,
sheepskin seat covers.

And matching pants.

And, for complete cosmetic care
on the road,

a visor mirror
that just happens to be...

full length.

(chuckles)

That's great, Mal.

You look in that
while you're driving,

you'll be the prettiest girl
at the three-car pile-up.

Dad, I so appreciate you
doing this for me.

- I love you.
- Aw...

Mal, these are the kinds
of moments a father lives for.

(Steven chuckles)

Dad, I love you, too.

The moment is over, Nick.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Ho.
- Huh?

Good news, everybody.

Everything has been approved
for your car loan.

- Here are the pertinent
documents. - Oh, great.

Oh, perhaps we should
look these over, honey?

Yeah, you're right.

You better look them over.

As a matter of fact,
I better look them over here.

Oh, no, what was I
thinking here?

I can't do this
to somebody I know.

I can't do this to somebody
I don't know.

See this?

- I can go to jail for this.
- Oh.

I know.
I've gone to jail for this.

This is a travesty.

Ethics: Very difficult.

Here we go.

A pure document.

All that is required
is your signatures,

and the vehicle will be yours.

Mallory?

(Mallory giggles)

(squeals)

(clears throat)

Steven, your plume.

Thank you.

Nick, this is so exciting.

We'll finally
get to take that trip

we've been dreaming about.

That's right. Enjoy yourselves.

What-what trip?

Oh, Dad, I've got this
all planned out.

This spring break, Nick and I

are going to drive
around the country.

We are going to see
the U.S. Of A.

And after that,
we're going to head

south of the border,
straight into Rhode Island.

Well, I'm not so sure
I'm happy with this idea.

Eh, why don't we just
sign the papers,

and we'll chat
about travel plans later?

Mal... Mallory, I don't want you

gallivanting
all over the country.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

We are not gonna gallivant.

- We're gonna drive.
- Yeah.

Hey, Stevie boy,
I hear you've got

one humdinger of a signature.

How about
a demonstration of same?

No.

Dad, what's the problem?

Sign the paper.

- I don't want to.
- Why not?

I don't want you
to go on this trip.

What are you talking about?

I can do whatever I want.
I'm years old!

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm years old!

Mrs. Keaton,
you must be familiar

with your husband's signature.

"And so, on his last day
in office,

"Nixon stood and addressed
the White House staff.

"Nixon:

"And so, friends,
we leave with high hopes,

"with deep humility
and eight settings

of the good White House china."

"Nixon turns to the helicopter,
bumps into Gerald Ford

and says, 'Pardon me,
if you know what I mean."'

Jennifer, how could you?

(choking up): And with him
sitting here the whole time.

Come on, Mr. President.

Go upstairs, and I'll tell you

all the bad things
that Jennifer's been accused of.

And we won't pardon her.

(Steven sighs)

So, uh...

Have you seen Mallory
around recently?

Well, she still lives here.

I wouldn't know.
She's not talking to me anymore.

Well, Steven,
you disappointed her.

You said you'd cosign
for the loan,

and then you changed your mind.

Oh, sure, make me the heavy.

Okay.

When we were , didn't we drive
from Berkeley to Washington, DC

- over Christmas vacation?
- That's right. We did.

And it practically
drove your father insane.

I know, but wasn't it worth it?

Don't you remember what it
was like out under the stars?

The two of us in that, uh...

tattered old sleeping bag.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, Elyse.
Your father was right.

I take it back.
I take it all back.

We were bad, bad kids.

Oh, Steven.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.

Hey, Mrs. Keaton.
Hey, Mr. Keaton.

(grunts)

Oh, oh, I-I forgot. Um...

Uh, Mr. Keaton, we are giving
you the silent treatment.

Which means I am not at liberty
to talk with you at the moment,

though, in the very near future,

I'm sure we can chat
like we used to.

Uh, maybe we could discuss...

When does your silent treatment
begin, Nick?

Because I'm really
looking forward to it.

Oh... no, no, no.
It's on right now.

Perhaps you didn't follow me.

Hush.

You're not supposed to talk.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You see, I can talk
with you, Mrs. Keaton.

The point is, if I was
to talk with Mr. Keaton...

(muffled speaking)

...there would be no point.

Nick, honey, let's go upstairs.

We still have
to plan our vacation.

Oh, hey, hey.
We don't have to plan.

It's just gonna be you and me

sleeping in our bags
under the stars.

You are bad, bad kids.

Mallory, you don't know
what you're getting into

with this trip.

You don't know
anything about cars.

It can be
very dangerous, you know.

You know, if you recharge
the battery the wrong way,

you can blow up the car.

- How do you know?
- He's done it.

Listen, Dad,

Nick and I are gonna go down
to Nick's dad's place,

and we're gonna find something
that I can afford.

And we're gonna make this trip.

That's all I have to say.

Joe, Joe, I...
want to talk to you.

Hey, Steven,
always good to see you.

Let me get the papers,
you'll sign them,

and then we'll split
a bag of pork rinds.

Uh, Joe...

I didn't come to sign.

Then no pork rinds.

Joe, I need your help.

Man to man...

father to father.

Which is it, Steve?

Joe, the kids are coming
down here to buy a car,

and I don't want you
to sell it to them.

Uh, Steven, you don't seem
to have a firm grasp

of what I do here.

Joe...

I don't think Nick
and Mallory should go

on this cross-country trip.

I'm worried about the kids.

Hey, hey. I understand you.

I understand you
because we're both fathers.

And in a way,
that bonds me and you

even stronger
than a wedding vow.

That's lovely, Joe.

A little scary.

Yeah, but lovely nonetheless.

I know, I know.
I haven't done a...

a terrific job of, uh,
controlling Nick

because I haven't had
a chance to be with him.

Because I abandoned him.

No, but a daughter is different.

If Nick were Nicotina,

I wouldn't let him do half
of the stuff that he does.

- What does he do?
- I don't know.

What does he do?
I never see him.

Joe, look, the kids
don't have enough money

to go anyplace else.

They're coming here,
so I'm asking you

not to sell them a car.

What am I supposed to tell them

when they walk
into this glorious showroom

and they see
all these automobiles?

(sighs)

Joe, I'm gonna ask you
to do something

that's gonna be very hard
for you to do.

I want you to lie.

Lie? Happily.
(chuckles)

Thought you were gonna ask me
to give blood or something.

Ooh...
(muttering)

- JOE: Hey, son.
- Hey.

- Mallory.
- Hi, Joe.

Um, I'm sorry the first car
didn't work out,

but we'd like to look at
something, um, less expensive.

You know, I-I been thinking.

I don't see
what you need with a car.

All the problems
and the responsibilities,

the expenses, car insurance.

A car is a big pain in the butt.

I'm talking to them.

They're young and attractive.

They can get around.

Who's gonna take you anywhere?

Dad, we got $ , .

This is a quality establishment.

We don't have anything
for $ , .

Well, what about this car here?
It says $ , on the sticker.

It's $ , a week.

Well, well, Joe, that-that
just about, uh, wraps up

the research
on my new documentary, um...

Floor Mats: We Never Get
to Look Out the Window.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, I...

You came down here
to talk Joe out

of selling me a car, didn't you?

He did nothing of the kind.

All right, I did.

You're a very hard guy
to get a fix on.

I understand your position now.

You have this irrational desire

to deprive me
of any joy in my life.

Let's get out of here, Nick.

(Steven sighs)

And then Nixon says...

Alex, stop. I don't want
an alternate ending to my play.

Just give it a chance, okay?

Nixon...

steps up to the podium

and addresses
the American people.

(clears throat)

(à la Nixon):
"My fellow Americans...

"I can't thank you enough
for your mandate

"to make me president for life.

"But more importantly,
let me broach this subject:

"Jennifer Keaton's play

"is the worst thing
I have ever read.

"And let me just say this
about that:

"When I think
of Jennifer's play...

"...one word comes to mind.

"P.U.

"Go see anything else.

"Fiddler on the Roof,

"Hello, Dolly/

"or just stay home
and watch reruns of Flubber.

"In conclusion, Jennifer,

"and let me make this
perfectly clear,

"I am ashamed of you.

"And did I mention,

I hate your play."

The end.

What? What? What?

Alex, that was complete nonsense
from beginning to end.

Oh, oh, well, excuse me,

Little Miss I Wrote One Play
and Now I'm Shakespeare.

Alex, you know what?
I'm not using yours.

There's only one copy
of one Nixon play

that I am taking
to school with me,

and it's upstairs
on my desk right now.

Oh, I'm pooped.

I'm just gonna...
I'm gonna take a little nap.

Alex, don't you dare
touch my Nixon play.

(chuckles)

(Jennifer grunts)

Well... Elyse.

Hi.

Mallory hates me.

What's going on?

I was so upset about Mallory
taking this trip with Nick

that, uh, before they went down
to see Joe,

I went down there first

and tried to convince him
not to sell them a car,

and Mallory found me hiding
on the floor of a Camaro.

Well, o-o-obviously...

you-you meant to do the...

(groans)
Steven, how could you?

How could you?

I'll be upstairs watching
Nixon Masterpiece Theater.

I suppose the last thing
you want to do is talk to me,

but really, I think we should.

You tried to stop me
from doing something

I have every right to do.

You went back on your word,
and you did it in front of Joe,

the man who will one day be
my father-in-law.

If that's not bad enough,

you treated me like a teenager.

You snuck around behind my back,
and you humiliated me in public.

I agree with everything
you said,

except the father-in-law part.

Dad, I am an adult now.

I'm grown-up.

You really have to start
respecting my judgment.

(sighs)

It's just, for-for years,

I've had this job
as your father,

to protect you,

worry about you,

and it-it's just...

it's hard to wake up one day
and say,

"Well, Mallory's an adult now.

Stop worrying about her."

It's nice to know
that-that you worry about me.

I mean, it's comforting.

I mean, I know, when I was a kid
and I had a problem,

I would always come to you

because I thought you had
all the answers.

You know, I used to love it
when you'd come to me.

Particularly since Alex
never did.

He was always telling me to
cut my hair, get a decent job

and stop listening to
that loud rock and roll music.

Dad, don't you know
there's never going to be a time

when I won't come to you?

I mean, I'm always gonna want
to know what you think,

and not just
'cause you're my dad,

but because I really like you.

I like you, too.

You know, I've been thinking.

As your father,
I want to be supportive of you

and the decisions you make,
so...

(sighs)

I've decided to cosign
for that loan.

Thanks, Dad.

Um, I think I should get it
on my own, though.

If I can't swing it,
I'll just have to wait.

You're no dope, Mallory.

Runs in the family, Dad.



MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)