07x25 & 07x26 - Alex Doesn't Live Here Anymore

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



Dad, do we have
to rehearse this again?

Just one more time, Andy, to be
sure you know your lines. Okay.

"We're going to the dentist,
we'll be there in a while.

He's really not a menace,
he's there to help us smile."

"He'll clean your teeth
and make them white.

"Your mouth will look like new.

"He'll check your gums,
he'll fix your bite,

"and afterwards,
if you didn't cry,

your mom and dad
can take you to the zoo."

I'm not so sure
about this rhyme, Andy.

Who... who wrote this?

- My teacher.
- It's very good.

It's very, very good.

Hey. What are you guys reading?

Well, it's a school play
about dental hygiene.

Andy got one of the lead roles.

Ooh.

Are you playing the dentist?

I'm the permanent molar.

Oh. That's very good!

That's how Marlon Brando
got his start.

I remember I was
in a dental hygiene play

in, uh, second grade.

We did our production
of Annie Get Your Gums.

(Steven chuckles)

I-I played the ingenue.

I was, uh...
Jamie Lee Dental Floss.

I still remember my line.

(Southern accent): I'm gonna get
between you two molars

if it's the last thing I do!

(making squeaking noises)

Mommy, help!

Jamie Lee,
stop being dental floss.

You're scaring your brother.

(Steven laughs)

Alex isn't here yet, is he?

No. No, not yet.

Good, he's been driving me
crazy lately.

Jennifer, you've got to be
a little more patient with Alex.

He's really worried
about whether or not

he's gonna get this job.

O'Brien, Mathers & Clark
is one of the biggest

investment banking firms
on Wall Street.

This is the big time.

Or, as Alex so lovingly puts it,
his "ticket out of this dump."

All right,
I understand his anxiety,

but-but we live here, too.

I mean, I can't believe
he won't let us use the phone

just because
he's expecting a call

from-from O'Brien,
Mathers & Clark.

Well, he's not here now.

There's no reason
you can't use the phone.

Oh, yeah?

(siren blaring)

ALEX (recorded):
Mallory, put down the phone.

I repeat, Mallory,
put down the phone.

- (siren stops)
- That's better.

This has been
a public service announcement.

And let me tell you,
that's not the worst part

about this whole New York thing.

He's acting like
he lives there already.

Yesterday,
I went to get in the car,

he throws open the car door,
throws me out,

and says,
"Find your own cab, pal."

Well, yeah, all right,

look, I-I'm sure
once Alex hears about this job...

and hopefully gets it...

everything will be fine
around here.

Well, I hope so,
because if I hear one more word

about New York,
I'm gonna scream.

♪ Start spreading the news ♪

(screams)

♪ I'm leaving today ♪

You've been a wonderful sister.

♪ I'm gonna be a part of it ♪

♪ Get yourself
a little something ♪

♪ New York, New York... ♪

Alex, that's wonderful.

Yes!

Why are you
congratulating him, Dad?

He didn't sing it that well.

No, Mallory, he got the,
he got the job.

You did get the job, didn't you?

Because you really didn't
sing it that well.

- I got the job!
- Oh, Alex, great, great!

Yes! Yes!
Did you hear that, Mom?

I'm gonna be
the youngest executive

in the history
of O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.

Mom, I am gonna be rich.

(laughs):
That's wonderful.

I'm so excited for you.

Yeah, we hate to admit it,
too, Alex,

but we're excited for you.

Thank you, thank you.

You have something for me?
Thank you.

Yeah, we're excited for you.
How rich?

Well, Mal, you know how much
money Nick is gonna make

in his entire lifetime?

I should pass him by Thursday.

Well, at least
you're staying humble.

Come on, Dad,
it's hard to be humble

when you are gonna make
$ , a year.

Alex, that is a lot of money...
it's very impressive...

but don't forget
to ask this question:

Will it bring you fulfillment?

Dad, it'll bring it...

it'll clean it...

and it'll have it pressed for me
in the morning.

I can't believe this.

This is a culmination
of all my dreams.

I'm gonna be winging to Gotham,

I'm gonna be hobnobbing
with the bigwigs.

I mean, lunch at the plaza,

date with a different Rockette
every night.

Well, just don't get them mad,

'cause they could kick
the hell out of you.

So I guess this means
you'll be moving to New York.

Well, of course I'll be
moving to New York, Mom.

That, uh... that, uh,
Columbus-to-Manhattan commute

is really a bear.

So, so when will you go?
In the fall?

The f...
Mom, get real; the fall?

They got me.

They know what they got;
they want me next week.

I mean, would you wait
until the fall to get me?

Well, Alex,
that's not enough time.

We have to get
your plane ticket...

No, done, paid for.

We have to get you
a place to live.

Done, paid for.

Well, sheets,
towels, pillowcases.

Done. Taking yours.

Well, Alex,
that's just not right.

I mean, don't they understand,
this really isn't enough time.

Oh, wait, Mom, Mom,

if-if they want him
there in a week,

I'm sure we can
get him out of here in a week.

That's right, Mom.

Alex, I'll be happy
to help you pack.

You want to start now?

Girl, girls, girls, girls.

Now, you're being
very cavalier about this,

but, uh, let's face it,

I mean, someday,
you're gonna miss me.

We know that.

We already miss him.
(laughs)

We're just simply saying that

if you want to start
packing now,

then you want what we want.

STEVEN:
Look, look, look.

Let's not, uh,
let's not rush this.

This is a moment to be relished.

Alex, we're all
very proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

Kind of like to savor
this moment myself.

(sighs)
I can't believe it.

Alex is finally
leaving the nest, huh?

Sprouting wings,
flying out on your own, huh?

Journeying beyond
the borders of Keaton Land...

to the uncharted regions
of the unknown.

(whispers):
Flying against the wind.

Fighting the odds.

Uh, Dad, Dad, we could've
had him out of here by now.

Alex, you okay up there?

You need any help
with your stuff?

No, it's okay, Dad,
I can manage.

(whistles)

Come on, Jen, let's go.
Chop-chop.

Haven't got all day.

Alex, I can't do this.

Alex, she can't carry
all that stuff.

That's right, your sister
is not a Grand Canyon mule.

Thanks for noticing, Dad.

Look, Jen, come on,
one more trip.

All you got left is the dresser.

Alex, I can't
physically do this.

(mocking):
"I can't physically do this."

Come on, do you want me to live
here for the rest of my life?

I'll get that dresser.

Maybe things will smooth out
if I supervise.

Yeah, go on up there, Mom.

There's a load up there
for you, too.

(quietly):
Ow.

Alex.

Dad.

- Come here, come here.
- What?

(chuckles)

Anything... you want to ask me
about, uh, life?

As a young man on his own
for the first time.

Not really, Dad, no.

Well, it's just been...
there's been

a fine tradition of father-son
farewell discussions

in the Keaton family.

You may remember
what my father said to me

as I left to venture out
into the world.

"Get out and take
your brother with you"?

Well, I don't remember
the exact words.

But... the important thing
is the sentiment.

Passing of advice from one...

generation to the other,
and, uh, well...

I'd like to do the same thing
for you, my son.

Thanks, Dad.

Uh, all right, well, what advice
did your father give you?

Neither a borrower...

nor a lender be.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

If you swallow an apple seed...

an apple tree
will grow in your stomach.

A bird in the hand...

makes blowing
your nose difficult.

Your mother and I
have done our job well.

Now, Alex...

(sighs)

Alex, when you get
to the big city,

you're gonna be
walking down the street

and some woman may...

sashay up to you...

dressed in some sort
of provocative

and scanty garb.

You mean Aunt Miriam
still lives in New York?

No, Alex, these woman are even
friendlier than Aunt Miriam.

Dad, uh...
thanks for your advice.

Try and keep it in mind.

You know, Alex, you and I
have disagreed on, well...

almost everything, uh...

...but one thing
I've always admired about you

is your passion
for what you believe in.

Now, look, when you get
into the business world,

there's gonna be
a lot of pressure on you

to compromise your beliefs.

But, Alex...

don't lose your passion.

More importantly...

don't lose your keys.

I'm gonna miss you, Dad.

Gonna miss you, too.

(grunts)

Listen, hey, uh, one more thing.

Uh-huh?

- Uh, this is for you. No, no.
- Aw, Dad, Dad...

Listen, this is, this is...

Come on, come on,
you take that, you take that.

Look, now, this is...
it's just a little something

to get you started in life.

Your mother and I
want you to have it.

Dad...

(Steven sighs)

$ , Dad.

I-I know.

Now you only owe me $ . .

- Alex?
- ALEX: Yeah?

I found this in one of the boxes
in your bedroom.

Were you just gonna take it?

Uh, yeah, well...

I'm sorry, I was, I was
gonna ask you can I have it.

It's, um... it's got a lot
of sentimental value for me.

It's my favorite picture
of you, me and Dad.

Well, fine, sure.

Take it, it's okay.

Well, hey, if you're gonna be
that way about it,

I don't want it.

You take it.

No, no, I've got
a million pictures.

Uh, I don't need it,
you take it.

Mom, believe me, it's no big
deal, one way or the other.

You want it or not?

Hey, look, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you keep it,
get a copy made,

you bring it to New York
when you come visit me.

Well, Alex, um, we're not
just gonna be flying

all over the country for you,
you know.

What's the matter with Mom?

Oh, you know her.

She hates to fly.

Hi, Jen.

What the hell are you doing?

Me?

Well, um...

Well, you know, you, um...

S-Since you're leaving soon,
I just wanted to see your room

the way you like
to keep it once more.

Ah.

It's very nice.

How do you explain
the tape measure?

The tape measure?

Mm.

Well, um...

I'm taking wood shop in school.

Uh-huh.

And I was gonna surprise you
with a new floor.

Well, sorry to spoil
your surprise, Jen.

Okay, I admit it, Alex.

(sighs)

I-I was gonna bring my stereo
in here and turn this

into a music room
after you leave.

I'm sor...

A music room, Jen?

I've calculated
the national debt in this room.

And you're gonna play
the devil's music in here?

Jen, I'm shocked.

I am shocked...
no, I'm dismayed.

No, this room is gonna stay
exactly as it is.

It's gonna be a...

It's gonna be a shrine.

It's gonna be a shrine to me.

And after I'm gone, you put up
the little velvet ropes.

You can bring on the tour buses
and charge a buck a head.

Great. In two years, we'll be
able to buy an ice cream cone.

N-No actual ice cream,
just the cone.

Huh.

No, Jen, I'm telling you,
people are gonna line up

just to see this
autographed picture of Nixon.

Oh, the picture of Nixon...
I'm sorry, I completely forgot.

We're gonna have to get
valet parking now.

You know, Jen,
you always surprise me.

How can you be
so politically naive,

being as smart as you are?

I mean, Jen, you're almost
as smart as I am.

(chuckles softly)

Well, Alex, you know,
since you're leaving soon,

I can break this to you.

I'm smarter than you are.

Obviously, my imminent departure
has clouded

your excellent
but slightly inferior mind.

No, I'm smarter than you, Alex.

Try me.

(laughs):
Oh, come on.

Jen, I'm not gonna try you.

. is the cube root
of what number?

You have five minutes;
take your time.

, . .

That's close.

Exactly.

Annoying.

But interesting.

All I want to know, Jen, is...
what good is that gonna do you

as you stroll through the third
most populous city in Tanzania

purchasing its three
major exports?

Well, it would give me
pause for thought

as I strolled through
downtown Zanzibar

with an armful of cotton,
coffee and sisal.

That is such a lucky guess.

You know, Alex, to be fair,

you did teach me
everything I know.

Uh-huh.

Never do that again.

Why don't we just call it a tie?

I mean, the most important
part about it is...

you've always been there for me.

Tutoring me,
pushing me to do better,

to achieve everything
that I could possibly achieve.

And I thank you for that.

Thanks, Jen.

So, I guess the question is...

...what use are you gonna put
all that knowledge to?

Well, I was thinking
of going to law school,

maybe becoming
an anti-trust attorney,

and possibly putting you
in jail in a few years.

Hang on to your dreams, Jen.

I think I'll go now.

Feel much more comfortable
measuring your room

after you move out.

You're a sensitive gal.

(whistling)

(grunts)

- Hey, Mallory.
- (gasps)

(laughs)

What are you doing?

(panting)

Me?

Uh...

Well...

with you leaving
and everything, um...

I was feeling nostalgic, so...

You're measuring it
for a music room.

No. Sewing.

No way.

Oh, come on, Alex.

What do you want us to do?

Put up little velvet ropes
when you're gone

and keep it as a shrine?

What kind of a pompous fool
do you take me for?

Oh, forget it.

You know what, Alex?

No. What, Mal?

I guess I'm really proud of you.

I mean, I am.

I am.

I'm very proud of you.

Thanks, Mal.

That means a lot to me.

I mean...

(sighs)

I don't know anything
about what it is that you do.

But I know that you do it
really well.

And I think it's terrific
the way you went out

and-and got what you wanted.

Whatever that is.

And I mean that.

Well, Mal, I'm proud of you.

And I mean that.

Really?

'Cause sometimes I feel like

you don't have respect
for what I do.

Oh, Mal.

Come on, your fashion designs?

You're brilliant.

- (chuckles)
- I mean, you're very talented.

(giggles)

Well, thank you.

Thanks for noticing.

Now that you're leaving,

I want to talk to you
about something.

What's that?

Your overcoat.

Don't get mushy on me, Mal.

You've got to promise me
that when you get to New York,

you will buy a new one...
this one's too stuffy.

Well, Mal, I-I'm going to work
for O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.

They like stuffy.

Their president's name
is Bob "Stuffy" O'Brien.

Alex, you got to listen to me.

Give this one to Mr. Stuffy
and start fresh.

And when you're on Wall Street,

and you're wearing
one of those, uh,

one of your boring, black,
three-piece pinstripe suits,

add a little splash
of color somewhere.

A red handkerchief or a rose
or-or a little button that says,

"I'm really not this dull."

I'm gonna miss you, Mal.

I know.

Well, I'll be the next one
to move out, Alex.

I hope I'm as successful
as you are.

I mean, in fashion.

Not in whatever it is
that you do.

I'll warm up
New York for you, Mal.

(Mallory chuckles)

Oh, excuse me, Alex.

I didn't know you're in here.

Oh, get down here,
get down here.

All right. Whoa, whoa.

- All right.
- (grunts)

Hey, we got it.

We got it! We got it!

I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm stuck!

- Who's stuck?
- Well, I don't know,

- maybe it's me.
- (Alex groans)

No, I-I'm fine.

All right, then it must be me.

(groaning loudly)

Nice work, gentlemen.

(grunts)

Okay.
(grunts)

Now to the matter of money.

I believe there was a...
a fee discussed for this job.

Uh, well, gee, Alex,
all I can really

afford to give you
is a dollar and a quarter.

We'll call it even, Skip.

Hey, uh, you know, Alex...

this place ain't gonna be
the same without you here.

I mean, when I come over
to talk to you,

you ain't gonna be here.

Won't affect
our conversation any.

No, Alex, he's right.

We are really gonna miss you.

Y-You've been my best friend

ever since you moved in
across the street years ago.

You're-you're like
a big brother to me.

You've taught me
everything I know...

about life, love, romance.

The fact that I still
don't have a girlfriend

and people won't even talk to me
on the party line...

...that doesn't change
my feelings about you.

Well, Skippy, it's been
a pleasure knowing you.

You're truly one of the most
unique people I've ever met.

Oh.

Alex, don't go.

Come on, Skippy, get a grip.

Oh, please, Alex, don't go!

This is really beautiful.

Excuse me.

(groans)

Skippy. Come on.

Come on, Skippy! Come on.

Look, guys, guys,
get it together here, will you?

Look, it's not like
you're never gonna see me again.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's true, Alex.

I mean, I am gonna be
your brother-in-law one day.

Let's not jump
the g*n here, Nick.

I mean, I mean, you haven't even
asked her yet,

so there's still
a good possibility

that we're not gonna be related.

(Nick clears throat)

Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, Alex,

you know, I've been
thinking about it a lot.

I got the whole proposal
planned out, you know?

Yeah, uh, how about I show you
how I'm gonna do it?

I'd rather not see this.

No, no, no. You know,
I really want you to hear.

That way, in case
I screw anything up,

you can tell me, all right?

Uh... Skip, you be Mallory.

Okay. I can do that.

Just stop me before I throw me
out of the house.

(clears throat)

Mallory...

I've been thinking.

We've been together now
for quite some time,

and, uh, I've really grown
quite attached to you.

I've watched you blossom
into a beautiful young woman.

My, is it getting warm in here?

This is like the nuthouse
version of Romeo and Juliet.

When I see you
on the back of my bike,

your lustrous hair
blowing in the breeze...

...it just makes me realize

how very much
in love with you I am.

And it just makes me

want to sing one of
my favorite love songs.

♪ Here she comes ♪

♪ Uh, just a-walkin'
down the street ♪

♪ Singing do-wah diddy ♪

♪ Diddy-dum, diddy-do... ♪

I think the key word here
is "dumb."

What I mean is...

Skippy...

will you marry me?

Yes.

It's the best offer
I've had in months.

Oh!

(both sigh)

Okay.

I now pronounce you
idiot and wife.

There's a champagne reception
in the kitchen.

This is the happiest day
of my life.

Oh, Nick, this is all so sudden!

(Nick chuckles)

This is the happiest day
in my life, too.

(doorbell rings)

Hi.

- Hey, Lauren.
- Hi.

- How you doing?
- Good.

- I heard you were leaving.
- Oh, yeah.

So I stopped by a bakery
to get you a going-away cake,

but they didn't have any,

so I got you
this going-away muffin instead.

(Alex chuckles)

I even had them
write a message on it.

Well, that's-that's
real sweet, Lauren. Thanks.

Well, it was supposed to say,

"Good luck
in the Big Apple, Alex,"

but that's all they could fit.

Well, I think "goo"
pretty much covers it.

Mm.

Look, I can't stay long.

I just wanted to wish you
all the best in New York.

Thanks.

So I guess you're finally
gonna get your wish.

You're gonna be rich.

$ , a year.

Hey, you heard.

Yeah, well, skywriting is
a very effective medium.

Not to mention the radio ads.

♪ Alex Keaton, grand. ♪

Everybody, can I have
your attention, please?

Appearing tomorrow only
at the Greenvale Grammar School,

I'd like to introduce to you
someone who is very important

in all of our lives...

and a very special guy
in his own right...

everyone, let's meet and greet

Andrew, the human molar!

- (applause)
- NICK: Hey! - STEVEN: Oh!

JENNIFER:
Oh, boy!

Don't eat sweets
or I'll turn brown.

Remember to brush me
up and down.

- Yay.
- That's terrific, honey.

- This costume...
- Let me see.

Yeah. I was so touched by it,
I wrote one for myself.

Um... we can walk on coals

and have ninjas fight us,

but be sure not to get...

gingivitis.

Hey, this is great, sweetheart.

We're gonna have a good time
coming to see you at your play.

Hey, hey, hey,
all right, come on.

Let's go upstairs, Andy,
all right?

Let's get that costume off,
get ready for dinner.

I have a good idea. Why don't
we go out for pizza, okay,

and celebrate
Andy learning his lines.

JENNIFER:
Yeah.

Also, 'cause I forgot
to get anything out for dinner.

- All right, all right.
- (sighs)

(whistling "New York, New York")

Well, are you coming?

We're all going out
for some pizza.

Ah, pizza. Uh, no,
that sounds great, Mom,

but I got a lot of important
stuff I got to do tonight.

What stuff?

I-I... you know,
kind of packing up

and moving to the Big Apple
kind of stuff.

I got to, uh,
I got to call my landlord

and make sure
he got my deposit check.

I got to make sure
the electricity's turned on.

I got to call Mayor Koch about
that key to the city thing.

Well, you know, it's only gonna
take us an hour to eat.

Can't you make the calls later?

Uh, Ma, I'd just feel
a little more comfortable

if I got it done tonight.

Okay, fine.

What? Is-is there
a problem with that?

No, no, that's fine. Forget it.

Mom, what's-what's the matter
with you?

I said, nothing.

Look, this is
a very big deal here.

I'm-I'm not just going
across the street.

I'm picking my whole life up,
and I'm taking it to New York.

I swear that's
all I hear lately.

"New York! New York!"

Well, maybe
you've been listening

to a little too much
Sinatra, Mom.

Wonderfully funny, Alex.

What is going on with you, Mom?

Ever since I got this job,

you're treating me like I'm not
a member of this family.

A member of this family
would be going out for pizza,

because that's what
the family is doing tonight.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing!

I have some important things
to do tonight.

Why is that so hard
to understand?

What I don't understand
is the way you've been acting

ever since this whole
job business started.

All right, Mom, fine.

Okay, why don't you just tell me
how I've been acting.

Like an ungrateful, arrogant,

selfish, insufferable little boy

who doesn't have any time
for his family

now that he's become
such a big sh*t.

(scoffs softly)

Well, if that's the way
you feel about it, Mom,

that's your problem.

No, no, Alex,
that is your problem.

No, that's your problem.

Is there a problem?

Alex refuses
to go out for pizza.

Yeah, that's right, I do.

Call the pizza cops,
haul me away.

Well, you guys
don't have to argue.

I mean, you know,
we can go out for Chinese food.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing here.

You shouldn't listen
to this woman.

She's being
completely irrational!

Hey, hey, hey,
don't talk to me that way.

All right, hol-hold on.
Hold on there, Alex.

I mean, Alex, you're really

forgetting something real fast,
you know?

We have been there for you
financially and emotionally.

- We put a roof over your head
- Oh.

And food on your plate
for years!

All right, okay, all right.
Is that what this is about?

It's about thank you?

Well, thank you, Mom.
Thank you, Dad.

But guess what.

I don't need your food anymore.

And I don't need your roof.

You know, I'm not waiting
till next week to leave.

I'm gonna stay, I'm gonna watch
Andy's play tomorrow night,

and then I'm out of here
the next morning!

Hi, honey.

Hi.

How was your day?

Well, I was kind of tired.

As you know, I didn't get
much sleep last night.

It's not my fault.

Well, I believe it was you
who kicked me out of bed

four times
during the night yelling,

"Is that any way
to treat your mother?"

I'm sorry, Steven.

I-I'm just so upset.

I mean, look, w-we're
great parents, aren't we?

You know, sensitive,
caring, gentle.

I know. I...

I'm not finished!

Uh, sorry.

You were up to, uh, "gentle."

Damn right, we're gentle!

And considerate and patient.

And he... he just takes it
all for granted.

Elyse, there are two sides
to this problem.

No, there are not.

What's the other side?

Alex has a lot of pressure
to deal with.

(mocking): "Oh, Alex has
a lot of pressure to deal with."

This is his first
real experience away from home.

(mocking): "This is his first
real experience away from home."

Have you ever noticed
a sarcastic echo

in this kitchen before?

Steven, Alex is going off
to start a whole new life.

He is thrilled.

He is happier
than he's ever been.

And he's only thinking
about one person.

Not you, not me.

He's thinking about him.

He is totally
and completely self-centered.

But he's always been that way.

I know, I know, but why
has he always been that way?

I mean, we're not that way.

Wh... And he has our genes.

Why?

Why aren't our genes
in him, huh?

I mean, oh, look at you.

Y-You're a wonderful man.

You're warm, you're caring.

Thank you.

I'm not finished! Ugh!

I-I'm sorry.

And-and I am warm
and caring, too.

That goes without saying.

You don't think
I'm right about this, do you?

Elyse, forgive me,
but I don't think

there is a right or wrong
to this situation.

Well, I'm telling you, there is.

Well, I would disagree
with you, but...

But, but, but what, what, what?!

But I'm afraid to.

I don't expect you
to understand, Steven.

You're a man.

(imitating Nick): Hey, uh, yeah,
you're right about that, Elyse.

Us men... we don't, uh...

we're too dumb
to figure out nothing.

What's this we're sitting at?

Hey, a table.

Knock it off, Steven.

I'm serious.

- See...
- (Steven sighs)

...it's different for me.

I'm a woman.

Duh. What's a woman?

I'm telling you.

(normal voice):
Elyse, men have feelings

about these things, too.

(mocking):
Duh. What's a man?

All right. All right, Elyse.

Obvious, I can't talk
to you about this now.

Steven-Steven, wait, wait.
I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm just upset
and really confused.

I know you are.

I'm feeling it, too.

But you have got to talk
these things out.

I know.

To communicate.

If not with him, then with me.

Let's-let's face it.

Before you know it,

these kids will
all be leaving home.

It'll be just you and me.

Oh, God, I'm so depressed!

Once you get to know me,
I'm a pretty nice guy.

Steven, I...

I don't mean
about you and me. I...

Oh, I... I love you so much
for putting up with me.

How can I ever thank you?

Please don't kick me
out of bed tonight.

I'll think about it.

(Nick chuckling)

STEVEN:
Well, look who's here!

The permanent molar.

- Please don't bite me!
- (chuckles)

I won't.

I'm not that kind of tooth, Mom.

Uh, well, uh, actually, Andy,
molars do bite.

I know, as I was once bitten
by my cousin Davey,

who, after several seasons
of semipro hockey,

only had molars.

Why'd he bite you, Nick?

Well, I bit him.

It was a, uh, phase the whole
family was going through.

- Well, why don't we go.
- Yeah.

We don't want to be late.

Alex!

Yeah. I'm ready.

I'll get my coat.

(sighs)

(crowd chattering quietly)

Alex, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure, Dad.

Uh, look, Alex,
your mother is really upset.

I think it would be nice if
you went over and talked to her.

(sighs):
About what?

About whatever it is
that's bothering you two.

Look, Dad, I didn't
do anything wrong, okay?

If anything,
she should be talking to me.

Look, Alex.

Alex, please.

I've found that...

in dealing with your mother
in situations like this,

doesn't matter
who's right or wrong.

I always apologize.

Works like crazy.

Fine, Dad.

- Then you apologize.
- (sighs)

Alex, why do you have
to be so stubborn?

Why does she have to be
so stubborn?

I asked her.

She answered, "Why do you
have to be so stubborn?"

What'd you say?

I just apologized.

Dad, I appreciate
what you're trying to do here.

I just don't feel like
I have anything to say to her.

Alex, this is so frustrating.

You're just like your mother.

Good evening, everyone.

Would you all please
take your seats?

Thank you.

I think there are some
over here.

Great.

The Greenvale Elementary School
would like to welcome you

this evening
to our production of

The Whole Tooth
and Nothing but the Tooth.

(applause)

Watch out, teeth.

Here come the sweets.

You can get cavities
from those kind of treats.

- (whooping)
- Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble,

gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble,
gobble, gobble, gobble...

Don't eat sweets
or I'll turn brown.

Remember to brush me
up and down.

We can walk on coals and have
ninjas fight us, but be sure...

(whispers):
Shh, Nick.

Another good checkup.

No cavities!

KIDS:
Yay!

(applause)

Miss Van Gelder's
first grade class.

Weren't they darling?

Gosh, they grow up so fast.

And now let's welcome Mrs.
Rabino's second grade class,

who will show us a day
in the life of a baby tooth.

(applause)

Hi. I'm a baby tooth.

I've been here a long time,
and I think I'm getting loose.

Soon it'll be time for me to go!

ALEX: Soon it's gonna be
time for me to go.

Well, looks like
it's time for me to go.

Sure wish I could
get out of here.

I got to be
on Wall Street by : .

Tooth Fairy, come and get me.

Alex, what's the hurry?

Mom, you know,
I don't think you realize

how valuable I am
in the outside world.

Under a pillow,
I'm worth as much as cents.

Even more on the open market.

But, honey, there's so much
to talk about.

I got to go, Mom.

A permanent tooth
is breathing down my neck.

Besides...

I kind of get the feeling

maybe you don't want me
around anymore.

Of course I want you around.
What...

You're my little baby tooth!

Then how come
you yelled at me yesterday?

Oh, I didn't mean to.

I was angry.

I-I didn't know
what I was saying.

I got to go, Mommy.

Will you come back and visit me?

I can't be flying
all over the country for you.

Listen to me.

Alex? Alex!

Alex!

(keys clink)

Mm.

Alex, you forgot
to pack your tie.

Well, it's not like
you don't have others.

Actually, with all your ties,

it's hard to believe
you've only got one neck.

Hi.

Hi.

Why didn't you, uh, go out
for ice cream with the others?

Just didn't feel like it.

I didn't feel like it either.

Well, I'll get out of your way.

Wait a minute, Mom.

I can't take this anymore.

What did I do to make you
so upset at me?

Nothing.

Nothing, honey.

I'm sorry. It's-it's me.

It's-it's all me.

I-I just...

Just what?

(sighs)

Mom, we got to talk about this.

I mean, I'm not leaving home
like this.

What's going on?

W... It's-it's not...

it's not that I don't-don't
want you to be happy.

It's... it's not that I don't
want you to-to be successful

and have everything you want.

I mean, I do.
I-I want you to be happy.

I... I just...

Just what?

Well, if...

if I could keep you
in this house forever,

I would.

(sighs)

I-I don't know
what to say to that, Mom.

Oh.
(chuckles)

Nothing to say to that.

Why? What do you say to that?

Uh, it's a crazy thing to think.

It's a crazy thing
for a mother to think. I mean...

I mean, I know
what-what I-I should be doing.

I sh-should've washed your
clothes and packed your bags

and made you a cake, given you
a hug and send you on your way.

And damn it, that's what I was
planning to do!

Mm, I-I just,
I just couldn't do it.

See, Mom...

this isn't all about you.

I'm-I'm the one
who's going out there.

I'm the one who's rushing into
God knows what.

All my life,

I've planned for this moment.

Alex P. Keaton.

Brilliant young
financial executive.

I mean, that's who
I'm supposed to be, right?

What if I don't make it?

What if it doesn't work out?

And I'm finished, Mom.

I mean, that's it.

It was all about nothing.

And that scares
the hell out of me,

and I don't understand why-why
you can't understand that.

I understand it, Alex.

You're scared.

But you're always
scared or worried

or nervous about things, and...

But you always come out on top.

Things always work out for you.

Well, that's great, Mom.

Is-is there something wrong
with that?

I don't, I don't...

Do you resent that?

No.

No, I-I don't resent that.

What I do resent...

is the callous joy you seem to
be taking in leaving this house.

Look, I don't know
what you're talking about.

- W-Wait, I'm not finished!
- Here you go again.

'Cause, see, if it were me

leaving this family,
I wouldn't be going,

"Bye-bye! Bye-bye! (kisses)
Bye-bye! Kiss, kiss, kiss.

I love you! I'm going off
to my new life!"

♪ Ah, start spreading the news,
I'm leaving today! ♪

'Cause if it were me...

if it were me,
it would break my heart!

It would tear me up!

Well, don't you know
how hard it is for me?!

I mean, don't you know
how hard it is for me

to walk out that door?

Every time I've left this house,
I've always come back,

but this is it, Mom.

And everybody else
seems to understand

how hard that is for me.

Everybody else
has been real supportive...

Dad, Jen, Mal, even Andy...
but not you!

Damn it, why can't you
be happy for me?!

You're my mother!

Yeah.

I'm your mother.

I'm Alex Keaton's mother.

That's what this is all about.

Okay, so we've established
that you're my mother.

See, you don't,
you don't seem to understand

what it's like for me.

See, I feel like I'm standing

on something real high
and looking down

at all the pieces of my life,
and I can see who I am.

And I see this...

this very big part of me
that makes me who I am...

I see that part...

breaking away.

And I know that it's right,

and I know it's supposed
to happen, but...

I don't want to let go.

(sighs)

You're not,
you're not gonna lose me, Mom.

I mean, there's a lot
of big changes ahead, but...

...you're still my mother.

You know, I'm still Alex Keaton.

I'm still Elyse Keaton's son.

That's right.

It's not such a bad job, huh?

(Alex laughs)

Are you kidding me?

I got the best mom around.

Remember when I was
a little kid,

and, uh... and you'd come and
pick me up at the playground?

(Elyse chuckles)

Know what the other kids said?

The other kids would say,
"There goes Alex's mom.

What a knockout."

(laughs)

Go on.

Mom, you-you were the hippest,

coolest, classiest,

best-looking mom around.

Go on.

No, better than that...

I had a mom that'd always
listen to me.

Anything that was bothering me,
I could talk to her about.

Until this week.

Far enough.

I'm sorry.

You know what this
makes me think of?

All those times
when your father and I

would go to open house
at night at your school,

and we'd sit in your classroom.

And I'd-I'd hear these-these
mothers come in, and they'd go,

"Oh, that's
Alex Keaton's mother.

Now, he's the smart one that
the other kids won't play with."

(both chuckle)

And I'd-I'd get upset.

I'd think, I'm not just
Alex Keaton's mother.

I'm Elyse Keaton.
I'm an individual.

I'm-I'm a person
in my own right.

And then I'd-I'd just stop,
and I'd think,

I love being
Alex Keaton's mother.

(chuckles)

It's not such a bad job, is it?

It has its moments.

Well, I should let you
get some sleep, honey.

You've got
an early flight to catch.

Hey, Mom, listen, um, you know,

it could be pretty crazy
in the morning,

so if I don't get a chance
to say this to you,

I want to say it to you now:

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Honey, I'm gonna miss you, too.

I'm glad you're
Alex Keaton's mother.

Um, who am I kidding?

I'm not gonna sleep tonight.

Uh, why don't we go downstairs
to the kitchen,

and-and you can buy me
a cup of coffee.

Well, on your salary,
you better be buying.

(both grunt softly)

No, Mom.

Michele Briganti was not
my first girlfriend.

Ana Krewson
was my first girlfriend.

No, no...

Ana Krewson, um, b*at you up

in the back
of the Little League field.

No, see, that was
Michele Briganti.

You're wrong.

So, what, do you
want to bet, Mom?

How much do you want to bet?

Dollar.

A dollar?

Pshaw!

All right, five dollars.

No, it's too much. A dollar.

- It's a bet.
- Okay.

Hey, Dad, Dad, settle a bet.

Hey, Dad!

(sniffs)

We... can walk on coals...

...or have ninjas fight us...

but be sure not to get...

gingivitis.

(mumbles)

(grunting)

(panting):
Alex. Elyse.

I-I... I was having a nightmare.

I dreamt I was Nick.

(grunts)

How did I get here?

Well, uh, about m-midnight,

you came down to sit and have
coffee with me and Alex,

and we were having coffee,
so you went to the refrigerator

to get some cream, and you just,
you just never made it back.

Oh. Oh.

Cream, anyone?

It's yogurt now, Dad.

Oh, wow, it's : .

Cab should be here any minute.

Alex, uh, look, are-are you sure
you don't want us

to drive you to the airport?

Oh, no, Dad.

This is on, uh, O'Brien, Mathers
& Clark's expense account.

Come to think of it, I may even
tip the driver this time.

- (sighs)
- Morning, Andy.

You want some breakfast?

Coffee, black, two sugars,
and step on it.

This is ridiculous.

I mean, farmers don't even
get up this early.

Come on, everybody,
let's have a little spirit.

Alex is leaving.

Let's just give him a big,
energetic Keaton send-off, okay?

Well, looks like
we're the only ones

with any stamina
around here, Mom.

These namby-pambies
have nothing on us.

Nah, you tired?

No, I'm fine, Jennifer.

Hello.

Hi.

So you're leaving today, huh?

That's right, Mal.

This is our last morning in this
kitchen together as housemates.

Mm.

Next time we see each other,

a new phase of our lives
will have begun.

I'll be able
to buy and sell you.

Drop me a line.

(car horn honks outside)

Oh, there's my cab.

STEVEN:
Oh.

Oh, so, uh...

I guess this is it, huh?

The big send-off.

Uh, yeah.

Listen, uh, I-I don't need
any big send-off.

I-I really couldn't take

a big, emotional scene
right now,

so, um, why don't we just

take our leave
in a manner befitting

uh, the youngest
(clears throat) executive

at O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.

Dad.

Well, in that spirit,
good-bye, son.

Good-bye, Dad.

Remember, you still
owe me $ . .

Mom.

It's been fun.

A million laughs.

Pleasure working with you.

Thanks.

See ya, pal.

Hey, send me the picture
of the first guy you step on

as you climb up
the corporate ladder.

You got it.

Uh, just tell her
I've gone, and...

you don't know where I am.

Oh, hey.

Hey, the... I wanted
to give you something.

(chuckles)

Be surprised what a little
splash of color will do.

Hey, whoever called for the cab,
the meter's running.

Uh, yeah, that's me.

You know, I like the red.

It makes you look like somebody.

Aha.

Uh... well.

Guess this is it.

Bye.

- Good-bye.
- Bye. - Bye.

- Bye.
- JENNIFER: Bye.

- ANDY: Bye.
- Adios.

- (chuckles)
- Bye.

See you later.

- Bye, now.
- Safe trip.

- I'll call you guys.
- We'll be talking to you.

- We'll be talking to you.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye, Alex. - Bye.

(sighing)

I love you guys.

- Aw.
- Aw, honey.

For the very last time,
we'll be introducing

the, uh, cast of Family Ties.

Courteney Cox!

(crowd cheering)

Scott Valentine!

Marc Price!

Brian Bonsall!

(Mark and Scott hooting)

Tina Yothers!

Justine Bateman!

Michael J. Fox!

Michael Gross!

- Hey.
- Hey!

Hey.

And Meredith Baxter-Birney!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Gary David Goldberg.

Thanks for...

for seven wonderful years.

(cheering continues)

- Bye.
- Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Bye-bye.

Good-bye.

We love you all.

Good-bye, Family Ties.

We sure had some good times.

Hope to see y'all again.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Bye.
(laughs)

Good-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye, everybody.
I love you guys.

Never say good-bye.

Bye.

Good-bye, everybody.

I'm really gonna miss you,
and I love you.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Good-bye, everyone.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.

I don't want to have
to say good-bye.

- Good-bye, everyone.
- Bye, everybody.

ALL:
Good-bye.

Bye, everybody.

Good-bye, Family Ties.

Be sure and write.

Good-bye and thank you.

Good-bye, everyone.

Bye.

Bye, Gary.

- Take care.
- I had a lot of fun.

Bye.

Thank you.

It is good-bye,

but I carry you here.

Good-bye, everyone.

Thank you all very much.

Good-bye.

Hasta luego.

Good-bye, Family Ties.

It was fun.

Bye, everybody at Family Ties.

- Good-bye.
- Bye.

Good-bye, dear friends.

- Bye. - Good-bye. Good-bye.
- Bye.

Good-bye. Thank you.

This has been great.

Never happen again.

Not even gonna look for it.

Bye.

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)