07x21 - The Candidate

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Tootie, don't you think
we're a little overstocked

On howie the kangaroo items?

I mean, they haven't even started
construction on the amusement park yet.

Why wait? We can cash in on
howieland fever right now.

Let's see, howie the
kangaroo collector plates,

Howie the kangaroo coffee mugs,

Howie the kangaroo key chain.

Oh, and here's one.

A howie the kangaroo kangaroo.

I love the unexpected.

Well, what do you think?

Blair, this is a
place of business...

Not mayor callahan's
campaign headquarters.

Why'd you volunteer
to help him, anyway?

Can I help it if I'm
politically aware?

As citizens, it's our
duty to become involved.

Did you learn
nothing from farm aid?

This is where she starts
singing we are the world.

It just so happens I
believe in the mayor.

That's why I volunteered

To be the assistant
deputy executive director

For social coordination
and public relations.

What?

She puts these things on cars.

Paper, anyone?

Natalie, are you still
passing those out?

I'm expanding my readership

Now that I'm an officially
published journalist.

You wrote one
letter to the editor.

Some call it a letter.

Some call it an insightful
political commentary

On our times.

Let's decide for ourselves.

Do we have to hear that again?

I'm leaving now.

You see? Just the mention
of it stirs up controversy.

Natalie, we heard
it times so far.

Can you quote it verbatim? No.

"Will howieland amusement park

"Just be a fun ride
for our kiddies,

"Or has that cuddly kangaroo
made a pact with the devil?

"This upstart marsupial will
r*pe our land and blot our skies

While he fills his pouch with
our hard-earned dollars."

How do you sleep at night?

"Our suspicion is
that mayor callahan

"Is in howie's pocket...

Or should we say pouch?"

Pulitzer, or what?

I think you've been reading too
many cheap conspiracy novels.

I got it, tootie.

Great, andy,
thanks. Just in time.

What are you gonna do with that?

I'm gonna put it in the window.

How else will the
public know where to find

Howie's fan club headquarters?

Oh, I hoisted that
sign up onto the roof.

Thanks.

Mail's here.

Natalie.

Oh, look, the gazette
forwarded responses

To my editorial.

And they say people
can't make a difference.

You got three letters.

These aren't letters.

These are people concerned
enough about their community

To put their
feelings in writing.

"I hate you. You're stupid.

I hope you get warts."

There's always one
quack in every group.

"We love howie. You stink.

You should crawl under a rock."

Sometimes there are two quacks.

Oh, here we go.

"I like you. You're swell.

You should run for mayor."

Oh, the people have spoken.

You know, that's
not such a crazy idea.

If I ran for mayor,

I could get my
message to the people.

You have a message?

She's against amusement parks.

Well, I hate to spoil your
political aspirations, natalie,

But you have to
be to be mayor.

I wouldn't run to win.

Unusual strategy.
Might just work.

I'd be taking my message to
the streets, the grass roots.

Shaking hands, kissing babies,

Building a groundswell
of popular opinion.

Nobody would take you seriously.

Besides, mayor callahan
cares about the community.

If there was anything
wrong with howieland,

He'd tell us.

Come on, blair.

I mean, callahan
is a politician,

And it wouldn't
be the first time

A politician wasn't
completely honest

With the public.

Jo's right. I could be honest.

What an angle.

Suddenly you're an
expert on politics?

I know enough.

I'll need a political machine

And cronies in a
smoke-filled room.

I was on the langley board
of regents for a semester.

And a decisive
semester that was.

That was the year we introduced
tofu burgers in the cafeteria, wasn't it?

There was other stuff.

Stuff you could be proud of.

Stuff I just can't
recall at the moment.

Ooh, now there's a
powerful campaign platform.

"Stuff I just can't
recall at the moment."

That's what I need...
A campaign slogan.

How about this?

"Vote for green. She can't win.

What have you got to lose?"

Well, we're official.

The howieland fan club
kits are finally here.

We're gonna make a fortune!

Yes, hello. This
is natalie green.

That's right, the one
who's running for mayor.

I'd like to announce
my candidacy.

I realize I announced
it yesterday.

You were supposed to
print something about it.

What do you mean I'm not
the only write-in candidate?

Oh, don't let me in with
betty the space lady.

She does that every year.

Hold on, please.

Nat, you can't just call
up the press and say

"Hi, I'm nat. I want
to be mayor."

And expect front page.

You got to give them
something newsworthy.

Hey, there. Jo polniaczek,

Natalie green's
campaign manager.

Yes, well, ms. Green
will be officially

Launching her campaign tomorrow.

She'll be f*ring
herself out of a cannon.

Yep, : . Bye.

Are you out of your mind?

Oh, come on. It's just
political rhetoric.

When they get here, we'll
hit you with a pie or something.

Thanks for the ride, mayor.

Oh, no, there's no
reason for you to come in.

[Clears throat] no, I want to.

Being the mayor, I've
been pretty darn remiss

In not dropping by earlier.

On behalf of the city treasury,

I want to thank
these good people

For all the sales tax money.

[Chuckles]

And we hope to bring
in even more next year

When howieland brings
prosperity to us all.

Hey, my kind of people.

[Chuckles]

On the other hand, I disagree

With everything
you both have said.

Let me guess.
You're natalie green?

Well, mr. Mayor, you don't
be late for your meeting.

Well, I'm darn glad to
meet you, natalie green.

You are?

Excuse me.

He seems very nice.

He's just trying to
throw you off guard,

Soften you up.

Let him know you're
nobody's fool.

Got it. I'm nobody's
fool, you know.

I know all about
this howieland fiasco,

And I intend to expose it.

Why, I don't understand how anyone
could have anything against something

That's gonna be so darn
good for the community.

Good? How can you
call howieland good?

It's gonna turn
a nice, quiet town

Into one big souvenir shop.

Natalie, let me...
Let me assure you

That my administration has looked
into this thing pretty darn well,

And we've determined that theme
parks are beneficial to the ecostructure.

But if there were the
slightest hint of impropriety

On the part of howieland,

He'd launch a
full-scale investigation.

Right, mr. Mayor?

Heck, no! Uh...

Well, not full-scale.

I... I... I mean, we'd
investigate, that's for sure.

Well, we'd certainly ask.

But if one of your
campaign workers

Uncovered a bit of
unsettling information,

He'd look into it
pretty darn well.

You could be sure of that.

Well, nothing's
sure in this world.

But, hey, there's nothing
wrong with howieland,

So why are we even
talking about it?

Natalie, nice meeting you.

Blair, I'll see you tonight
at the howieland party.

Right.

Right.

Oh, uh, natalie, good
luck with the campaign.

May the best man... Woman...

Uh, person... You
know, candidate win.

Thanks.

What a nice guy.

Nat.

I mean, nice as far as

Political slimebuckets go.

I don't have to listen to this.

So, howieland is throwing
a party for the mayor.

Are you still gonna tell me

There's nothing funny going on?

Funny? Natalie, it's a party.

They're eating hors d'oeuvres.

Who's paying for
the hors d'oeuvres?

Oh, come on, natalie.

You're right, it's
not good enough.

I need dirt.

[Ring]

Hello?

i've got the dirt on howieland.

This could be the break
we've been waiting for.

It's an informant.

Who is this?

sore throat.

Sore throat?

Oh! You mean like deep
throat in watergate!

no. Hurts to talk.

i have a sore throat.

Okay, so what's the
dirt on howieland?

not over the phone.
We'll have to meet.

your store. Midnight.

be there.

So?

Says he's got dirt on howieland.

Well, great. When
do we meet him?

[Ring]

Yeah?

come alone.

Got it.

He wants me to meet him alone.

You're not gonna go, are you?

I mean, anybody who
spreads lies about a kangaroo

Has got to be pretty sick.

What if this guy's a
psychopathic k*ller?

Tootie, do not be ridiculous.

Jo, how can you tell

If someone's a
psychopathic k*ller?

Oh, you can tell.
There are signs.

g*ns, knives, hockey masks.

I'll keep my eyes open.

It's open. He must
have picked the lock.

Mr. Sore throat?

Are you here?

You don't have to
worry. It's just me.

You can put down
your g*n or sword.

You can trust me. I'm alone.

Nat.

Aah!

I just wanted to let you know

We're right here if you need us.

Will you get out of here?

He won't come if I'm not alone.

Ok, let's go.

We're just trying to help.

They're leaving, ok?

They're gone, mr. Sore throat.

Is anybody here?

Anybody?

You're not here, are you?

This is just one practical joke.

Well, you know what you are?

You are... A giant kangaroo.

Tell me you're
from sesame street.

Mr. Sore throat?

[Mumbling]

Is this going to be in code?

Oh, you can't talk
with the suit on.

So take it off.

Protecting your identity.

Right, right.

Ok, um... I got it! Charades!

Ok! Good! Oh, ok.

Ok.

First word.

First syllable.

A kangaroo laying an egg?

Uh, uh, a rooster?

Uh, chicken? Uh, duck?

Duck! Duck. Ok. Ok. Good.

First word.

Second syllable.

Me.

Kangaroo?

Kangaroo with a headache?

You!

You! Duck you!

Now we're getting somewhere.

First word.

Third syllable.

Mints!

Mints?

Oh, mints!

That's cheating.

Okay, okay.

So what do we have?

We have duck, you, mints.

Duck-you-mints.

Doc-you... I don't get it.

Oh! Documents!

You brought documents! Oh!

You couldn't have
just given them to me?

We had to go through all this?

"To whom it may concern,

"I got these from from
howieland headquarters.

"The mayor doesn't
know about them.

He's not involved."

Are you sure about that?

"I am positive.

Sincerely, sore throat."

Thanks, sore throat.

Can I call you a
cab or something?

Thanks.

Guys!

Whoa!

Are you all right?

Fine. Look what he gave me.

Ah, the secret duck-you-mints.

It's the construction
plans for howieland.

Look at this.

The parkway exit to howieland

Is miles outside
the city limits.

So?

So, that means
none of the tourists

Will even see peekskill.

Gets worse. Here's the
five-year projection plan.

They're gonna
pave lake peekskill

And put up a shopping mall.

Look... Hotels, restaurants,
a whole separate city.

Howiewood.

So, where does that leave us?

Selling maps to lost tourists.

I don't believe it.

I never thought the
howieland organization

Could stoop so low.

Andy... The sign
comes off the roof.

First thing in the morning.

Bye. Good night.

Well, now we really
have something to say

At that press
conference tomorrow.

We'd better find a
safe place to hide these.

Yeah. If blair finds them,
she'll run to the mayor.

Yeah.

All right, we're all set.

All the major newspapers
will be here at : .

All the major papers?

Yeah, the gazette and
the auto club news.

Natalie, I checked
the city chart,

And you can put an
initiative on the ballot

To lower the age
requirement for mayor.

You mean, I could
really be mayor?

Yeah, all we need
is , signatures.

I got already.

Since when did you get
interested in politics?

I've always been interested

In serving my fellow man.

These are all girls. And women.

I could win.

I could be the next
mayor of peekskill.

I didn't think you really
wanted to be mayor.

I didn't.

But you can't deny
the will of the people.

Natalie, we already
have a good mayor.

Callahan knows pretty
darn well what he's doing.

You know, if I were
mayor, the first thing I'd do

Is get rid of those
walk/don't walk signals.

It smacks of tyranny.

And we'll get rid of
those speed bumps...

And little kids
in movie theaters

Who talk and tell you
what's gonna happen.

Take it easy, evita.
Here comes the press.

Nat, don't do it.

Abdicate while
there's still time.

All right, here's the plan.

Don't mention the
howieland papers today.

We'll save them
for the tv debates.

That's what they're here for.

That's all right. Just be
general, evasive, noncommittal.

Remember, you're a politician.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm jo polniaczek. I'm ms.
Green's press secretary.

And I'd like you to meet
peekskill's next mayor...

Natalie green.

All right, so I
guess we'll start

By taking some
questions from the floor.

Uh, sorry I don't know
any of your names,

So I'll try and learn them
as the campaign goes on.

All right, we'll start
with you with the nose.

Uh, ms. Green,

Given the fact that you
don't have any experience

And you know
nothing about politics,

How could you possibly
hope to run this city?

Remember... Vague.

Well, generally speaking...

I'd say that under
the circumstances

It would depend on the context.

Next question?

All right, the bleached blonde

With the thing on her head.

What is howieland?

Is it just fun and
games for the kiddies?

No! It's like mold.

It starts out as a tiny spore,

And if left unchecked, it
forms into a giant fungus

That spreads across peekskill

Like last year's cottage cheese.

That's disgusting!

Keep it.

Excuse me, ms. Polniaczek?

Uh, natalie, here's
the latest poll.

I surveyed the
peekskill galleria.

We've got % of the
shops on level two.

I figure if we can
sway the pet shop,

I think we can
take the mezzanine.

Great, now you're
using an innocent child

To win your election.

Are you kidding? She
hasn't got a prayer.

Oh, yeah? Callahan
would give his right arm

To see what I got up his sleeve.

You don't really
believe you can win?

I didn't until I uncovered

A particular piece
of information.

You're bluffing.

Really?

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt

To tell you now.

I discovered that
howieland enterprises

Is building a giant logjam ride

In callahan's backyard.

That's ridiculous.
Where did you hear that?

It's a definite
unconfirmed rumor.

Natalie, you have
absolutely no proof.

Sure, but after I release
the howieland documents,

They'll believe anything I say.

I can implicate the mayor
with the logjam ride,

And the poor guy won't
have a leg to stand on.

She's obsessed.

She's trying to turn
this thing into howiegate.

Uh, mayor callahan.

Yes, blair?

Um...

I have a difficult
question to ask you,

And I need you to level with me.

Is howie enterprises
building a giant logjam ride

In your backyard?

Well, the wife is pretty
much in charge of remodeling.

Uh...

Golly, I remember a
teeter-totter and swing set,

But a logjam ride, i...

You can't miss it. It's
a giant water slide.

You slide down in hollow trees.

Oh, the kids would love that.

Mayor, that's graft.

Really? Oh, oh,
yes, it is. Um...

So, what are you
gonna do about it?

Well, if they ask me, I'll
have to turn them down.

The kids are gonna be pretty
darn disappointed, though.

So, you haven't made a
deal with howie enterprises?

Sorry.

And you don't know
anything about them

Turning peekskill
into a ghost town?

Is that one of
those scary rides?

The kids like them, but I don't
know, they're just not for me.

[Telephone rings]

Natalie, phone call for you.

Thanks.

Hello?

Sore throat.

Is that still bothering you?

The rumor about
the logjam ride...

It's a lie.

How do you know?

The mayor said so.

And you believe him?

The mayor has a reputation.

You'll destroy his career.

There are other jobs.

You can't us the documents
I gave you to hurt him.

Why can't i?

Because they're gone.

What?

They are gone.
How'd he know that?

Sore throat?

Sore throat?

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, a live debate

Between peekskill's
incumbent mayor henry callahan

And his challenger
natalie green.

The opening statement
goes to you, mayor callahan.

Thank you, bob.

Fellow citizens,
what is howieland?

Is it just fun and
games for our kiddies?

No. It's like a... A mold.

It starts out as a tiny spore

And, if left unchecked,
forms into a giant fungus

That spreads across peekskill

Like last year's cottage cheese.

My sources have
uncovered these documents.

[No voice]

Documents that prove
that howie enterprises

Intends to turn peekskill
into a ghost town.

Well, I'm not gonna
let that happen.

I'm gonna fight this thing
right to the bitter end.

Thank you so much.

That's it, I'm
calling him a thief.

And I'd like to
thank natalie green,

Whose campaign helped bring
these details to my attention.

Ms. Green, your rebuttal.

You're welcome.

incumbent mayor henry callahan

now leads with % of the vote.

Hey, great. We're gaining.

It was % an hour ago.

All that power and glory
right at my fingertips,

And that crook callahan
rips off my stolen documents

And snatches the election
right out from under me.

mayor callahan holds
a comfortable lead

with , more votes
than the nearest opponent,

betty gilligan.

Who is she?

Betty the space lady.

She's ahead of
natalie by votes.

She has a higher profile.

She's out there cleaning
windshields every day.

[Telephone rings]

Yeah?

this is sore throat.

callahan didn't
steal the documents.

i did.

I thought you were on my side.

i was.

you said you just wanted
to get the issue to the public,

and you did.

You ruined a great
political career.

come on, you've wanted to
be a writer since you were six.

I know that, but...

you've got to look
at the bigger picture.

it's like I told woodward
that night in the parking lot.

i said, "bob,

"It's a big responsibility
to nix the president,

But it was good for
the nation, so we did it."

If mayor callahan was a
pawn of howie enterprises,

He would've destroyed
the documents,

Not expose them to the press.

You understand?

Yes, I do.

It's for you.