05x15 - I Can't Remember a Damn Thing About the Factory Tour

[bunniefuu]

Odd Jobs Gin-chan

Gin: What? A tour?

Kagura: My friend, Satsuki-chan,

Kagura: asked for an educational tour of

Odd Jobs to fulfill an assignment.

Gin: Stop offering to do stuff that's a pain in the ass.

Shin: If she wants to see us at work,

we don't have any jobs today.

Gin: We haven't had any jobs in forever.

Shin: We don't want to ruin

the hopes and dreams of young children.

Kagura: No!

Kagura: I want to show them how great Odd Jobs Kagura-chan is!

Kagura: Do something about it, scumbags!

Gin: Stop tacking on random insults.

Kagura: She's here!

Kagura: You guys better act like grown-ups.

Kagura: Don't do anything weird!

Kagura: Welcome, Satsuki-chan!

Satsuki: Sorry, Kagura-chan.

I'm sure that you're busy.

Kids: Thank you!

I Can't Remember a Damn Thing About the Factory Tour

Kagura: This is our strategist/Supreme

Commander of Eastern Operations, Strategos Shimura.

Shin: Supreme Commander of Eastern Operations?!

Kagura: Shut up and follow my lead.

Kagura: Just say stuff that sounds cool.

Satsuki: Wow, Supreme Commander of Eastern Operations...

Satsuki: Um, what kind of work do you do at Odd Jobs?

Shin: O-Our president will explain that,

so come on inside.

Kagura: President, the kids are here for their tour.

May we come in?

Shin: He's turned the room into a workshop or something...

Shin: Uh, President?

Gin: Bah, it's no use.

Gin: The naked refuses to jack in to the solid.

Shin: U-Uh, President...

Gin: Could you shut the door?

Gin: If you let the heat escape,

my Patriot will cool down and harden.

Satsuki: Oh, s-sorry!

Shin: What's a Patriot supposed to be?

Shin: I have no idea what's going on,

but the president sounds like a real craftsman.

Satsuki: Um, we're here to see you at work.

Gin: Do you prefer Calcutta or Meso Gear?

Satsuki: Huh?

Gin: If you're here, you must prefer one.

Shin: Ignore them.

Shin: Ignore their pleas for help.

Satsuki: I-I like Calcutta.

A: M-Me too.

Shin: They randomly chose one!

B: Me too.

Shin: They randomly chose Calcutta!

Gin: I see, you choose Calcutta.

Gin: Hmph, how precocious of you.

Gin: Here.

Gin: Calcutta should be enjoyed while it's hot.

Satsuki: Th-Thank you very much!

A: This is Calcutta?

B: It looks like coffee.

Shin: Why didn't you just ask them if they liked coffee or not?!

Shin: You're pissing me off!

Gin: I once tried to be brave and try Calcutta.

Gin: But now I'm a devout fan of Meso Gear.

Edo Strawberry Milk

Gin: I believe that my dedication to Meso Gear

was a product of that bitter experience.

Shin: He's throwing together a bunch of fancy phrases

to say absolutely nothing at all!

A: Can we get started?

A: What do you Odd Jobs people even do?

Gin: Well, it's quite difficult to explain what we do.

Gin: You could say that we are essentially a secret society

Gin: involved in the production and sale of this Patriot.

Shin: That would make us Patriot salesmen!

A: What is this Pastry...

Gin: Patriot.

A: What is this Patriot used for?

Gin: Don't make me laugh.

Gin: What is a Patriot used for, Kagura-kun?

Kagura: Kids say the darndest things, right, President?

Shin: What's with them?

Shin: They're pissing me off!

Gin: Let me ask you this then.

Gin: What's that below your nose?

Gin: Every person has a peculiar indentation

between their nose and mouth.

Gin: What is that used for?

A: I-I don't know...

Gin: Of course.

Gin: Now, back to the Patriot.

Gin: It's pretty much like that.

Shin: So you don't know either?!

Gin: Whether it's the indentation below your nose

Gin: or the built-in microphone on the

Famicom's second player controller,

Gin: there are many things in this world that make no sense.

Gin: However, humans are meant to eat, poop, and sleep.

Gin: Everything else we do is useless.

Gin: Our creations fall into that category.

Shin: So after making a pompous speech,

all you're saying is that we make junk!

Daigoro: Okay.

Daigoro: So you do useless work making useless stuff?

Gin: It seems that you didn't understand what I was saying.

Gin: My point was that useless can be valuable in its own way.

Daigoro: Yeah, but...

DaigorO: If all Odd Jobs does is make useless stuff,

Daigoro: doesn't that mean the members are also useless?

Shin: What's with this kid?

Satsuki: That's not nice, Daigoro-kun.

Daigoro: Satsuki-chan, we can call off the tour.

Daigoro: It's clear that these Odd Jobs people

do useless work that doesn't help society.

Shin: Wait a moment!

Kagura: While the Patriot may look useless, it is, in fact,

Kagura: a multimedia product which can be

used in a number of useless games.

Daigoro: Oh? Really?

Daigoro: What kind of games are you talking about?

Kagura: For example...

Kagura: You can use the Patriot m*ssile to whack

the head of someone who pisses you off.

Shin: You don't need the Patriot to do that!

Daigoro: I knew it.

Daigoro: I can't believe that people actually

pay you scum to make this trash.

Shin: Daigoro-kun?!

Shin: You sound like a different person after the beating to your head!

Daigoro: Satsuki, I'm going home.

Daigoro: I've had enough.

Satsuki: Daigoro-kun!

Gin: Wait, boy.

Gin: You didn't drink your Calcutta...

Daigoro: Sorry, Mr. President.

Daigoro: I don't like Calcutta or Meso Gear.

Daigoro: I go for Bourbon.

Shin: That's pretty hard-boiled!

Shin: What's with this kid?!

Daigoro: I'll need to work hard to find

a real job so I don't end up like you slobs.

Daigoro: Thanks for showing me what it's like

at the bottom of society, Odd Jobs.

Shin: Cheer up, Gin-san.

Shin: A child wouldn't be able to understand

how incredible Odd Jobs truly is.

Kagura: The other kids said they had fun.

Kagura: Though they tossed the Patriots we gave them as souvenirs.

Gin: I started this business from scratch,

and I kind of like it.

Gin: But I guess kids aren't impressed...

Shin: Th-That's not true!

Gin: Okay, tell me this then.

Gin: What can this be used for?

Gin: Can't think of anything, right?!

Gin: 'Course you can't!

Gin: I can't either!

Gin: I'm no different from this piece of junk!

Gin: Odd Jobs is trash!

Gin: We do work that doesn't mean a damn thing to society!

Shin: He's completely snapped.

Shin: It must have been a big shock to him.

Shin: Huh? Isn't that Hijikata-san?

Hijikata: We patrol the streets to make sure there aren't any

bad people doing bad things.

Hijikata: That's the most essential job of a policeman.

A: Ooh!

Hijikata: What is it?

A: Who would be a bad person?

Hijikata: Anyone who breaks the law.

A: So the law is always good?

Hijikata: In most cases, the law can be considered good...

A: I have a question then!

A: You aren't allowed to drop down from a train platform to the tracks,

A: but what if someone jumps down

to save a drunk who happened to fall down?!

A: Would someone who stays on the platform

as the drunk dies be considered good?!

Hijikata: You take those situations case by case.

A: A law that's always changing can't be considered a proper law!

Hijikata: I didn't word that right.

Hijikata: A person who makes trouble for others is a bad person.

Hijikata: The law doesn't matter.

Shin: He just threw out the law!

Shin: He got sick of trying and threw out the law!

A: By that logic, you would be a criminal for exposing

us to second-hand smoke!

Hijikata: I'm sorry! Too much smoke for you?!

Hijikata: Please forgive me! Please forgive me!

Shin: This is bad!

Shin: He's about to lose it!

Shin: He's about to turn into a criminal!

A: Could you explain how much trouble a person must cause

A: to be considered a criminal?

A: For example...

A: We have an individual getting the snot knocked out of him

A: by the woman he keeps stalking.

A: Which one is the criminal?

Hijikata: Uh...

Hijikata: I was just joking.

Hijikata: In reality, policemen are...

Hijikata: ...people involved in the production and sale of this Patriot.

Shin: He threw out everything and became a Patriot salesman!

Shin: What's going on?!

Shin: Is this a new fad?!

C: Pathetic.

C: You switch jobs when the going gets tough?

F: Guess they weren't lying when they said the police

in Japan were going to hell.

Shin: Now it's Hijikata-san's turn to lose it.

Kagura: I didn't realize you could use the Patriot that way.

Tsukuyo: Stop this foolishness.

Shin: Tsukuyo-san?

A: Please, lady!

A: We want to learn more about

the people who work in Yoshiwara!

Tsukuyo: And I told you to come back in a hundred years.

Sa: Ooh!

Sa: Could you at least teach us how to

whip a man in a way that brings pleasure?

Shin: There's a very familiar freak mixed in there!

Tsukuyo: Now, that's the last thing I would teach you.

Sa: I'm in a relationship with this guy right now.

Sa: So you'll take responsibility

if something goes wrong when the time comes?

Shin: Nothing will go wrong!

Shin: It's all in your head!

Tsukuyo: I guess it'll be too late if something goes wrong.

Tsukuyo: Well, it's probably a good idea

to learn the general basics now.

Tsukuyo: Allow me to explain then.

Tsukuyo: If this is that, and this is where you do that...

Shin: What are you doing with that Patriot?!

C: That's what girls are like?!

Tsukuyo: I was trying to give them a simple explanation without revealing anything...

Sa: Stop playing dumb!

Sa: Teach me the secret techniques of Yoshiwara!

Kondo: Well, as you can see, our job isn't

always a walk in the park.

Kondo: However, we never give up.

Kondo: Believe in a better tomorrow and stay on the trail.

Kondo: That's how you become a stalker.

Shin: That's not a job!

E: Oh!

Kondo: Yes, what is it?

E: Do you ever want to die?

Shin: What kind of question is that?!

Kondo: A very good question.

Shin: It's not a good question!

Kondo: A job is supposed to be painful.

Kondo: In that case, you should look for pain that you can enjoy.

Shin: How can you say that while pretending to be a professional?!

Madao: That is naive!

Madao: There are many people with jobs they absolutely hate!

Madao: Society needs these people to function!

Madao: Look at me!

Madao: You think I want to be a Patriot?!

Shin: Hey!

Shin: I seriously have no idea what a Patriot is supposed to be!

Madao: But I don't have a choice!

Madao: If I don't do this, who will?!

Madao: This world needs Patriots!

Shin: The hell it does!

Kondo: The people who always blame others...

Kondo: ...can never have a better life.

Madao: How would you...

Madao: How would you know how it feels to be a Patriot?!

Kondo: I know.

Madao: Huh?

Kondo: After all... After all...

Kondo: I'm working two jobs as both a Patriot and a stalker!

Shin: That just means you fail at life!

Madao: Y-You too?

Kondo: Yeah, you don't have to bear the burden alone.

Kondo: Ask me for help.

Madao: Th-Thank you.

E: Uh, excuse me.

E: So what's a Patriot?

Both: No idea.

Shin: What are you people doing?

Shin: You grown-ups let a bunch of kids bully you around.

Shin: It's the job of a grown-up to teach kids what's important.

Shin: We can't let their tour end like this.

Mom: Daigoro, there's a letter for you.

Daigoro: Letter?

Invitation to an educational tour of a Patriot factory.

Daigoro: What's this?

A: Daigoro!

A: You received an invitation too?

Daigoro: Oh, you guys also got one?

Invitation to an educational tour of a Patriot factory.

E: I was gonna ignore it,

but I heard that we'll get Dokkiriman stickers.

Daigoro: So, what's a Patriot factory?

Welcome to the Patriot Factory

Shin: We've been waiting for you, kids.

Kagura: You brats, I mean, nice children

Kagura: were chosen from around the world

to tour this factory of dreams!

Shin: I'm Pachi!

Kagura: I'm Gura!

Both: We'll be your guides on this tour of the factory of dreams!

B: Isn't this a total rip-off of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

A: Excuse me, what is the purpose of this tour?

Shin: What? You don't appreciate our invitation?

Kagura: Feel free to leave.

Kagura: But you won't get any Dokkiriman stickers.

Kagura: And you'll lose your chance to learn what Patriots are.

Daigoro: Who cares about Patriots...

Sa: Look! Look!

Sa: It's a Patriot factory!

Sa: No way! I don't believe it!

Tsukuyo: I never imagined that a Patriot factory would be here!

Tsukuyo: I heard that they were only produced by

NASA, the FBI, and the NBA!

Sa: Let's take a look.

Tsukuyo: Wait, Sarutobi!

Hijikata: Chief, I found some suspicious people

who were investigating the Patriot.

Hijikata: I immediately shot them down.

Gin: Roger that.

Gin: So the Succeed Committee has finally made its move.

Gin: The time of Ragnarok is upon us.

Gin: We must hasten the development of the Patriot.

Hijikata: I also see some funny-looking kids.

Hijikata: Should I take them out?

Gin: They are my guests.

Gin: The last hope of humanity.

Gin: The children who will inherit the Patriots.

Gin: Welcome to the Patriot factory tour.

Kagura: Chief!

Kagura: The kids aren't interested in the Patriot.

Gin: I see.

Gin: But you've seen too much already.

Gin: Take them out...

Kagura: You can leave.

Shin: Be careful on the way home.

Shin: This way.

C: Seriously! We should leave!

B: They'll k*ll us if we leave!

Daigoro: We'll have to do as they say and tour the Patriot factory.

E: But...

Kagura: Take a look at this.

History of the Patriot

Shin: You can see the history and

development of the Patriot here.

Shin: Here, you will find the current Patriot design.

Shin: However, Patriots have been around since the Jomon period.

Shin: Thanks to trial and error,

we were able to create one of the essential tools in our life.

C: I've never used one before.

Shin: This would be the father of the Patriot,

Shin: the oldest one known, which was created by

the chief of the Zugomanda tribe.

E: Isn't that a drumstick?

Shin: It may look like one, but this is, in fact, a Patriot.

Shin: Look over here.

Shin: It says "not for consumption" on the side.

A: It has to be edible if there are preservatives!

Kagura: The original Patriot was known as the

boned Patriot or Kin(Patriot)Man.

C: There's only one word that would fit in there!

Shin: In the Heian period,

Shin: the Tang ambassador Zugomaru Kakinomoto

altered the design significantly.

Shin: He brought ingredients back from the Tang

to make it a Spicy Patriot...

A: That's just spicy chicken!

A: And somebody took a bite out of it!

A: Zugomaru's still got some around his mouth!

Shin: And in the Sengoku period,

Zugomanzo turned the Patriot into something.

A: Why is it part of a combo now?!

C: Did Zugomanzo even do anything?!

C: This is like the history of fried chicken!

Shin: And eventually we reached the current Patriot design.

A: Why?!

A: You skipped over the most important part!

Shin: Now that you have some basic knowledge of the Patriot,

Shin: we'll give you a tour of the factory.

Shin: We'll see how the Patriot is constructed.

Shin: As you can see, the Patriot is made up of three parts.

Shin: The tissue box, which is known as the solid.

C: Uh, you called it a tissue box, so why call it the solid?

Shin: The toilet paper, which is known as the naked.

Shin: And the stick.

A: Why did you stop coming up with names?!

Shin: You jack in the three parts to create a Patriot.

Kagura: Look at the conveyor belt.

C: I don't see a thing.

A: Maybe the place is a mess because the chief is dead?

All: The chief is moving down the belt!

Kagura: The first step is to fix the broken factory chief.

Kids: That's where you start?!

A: Broken chief?! You're the ones who broke him!

Shin: The factory chief was broken to begin with.

A: Nobody respects the chief!

Kagura: First, we use tissues to wipe up the bloody body.

C: That's one of the parts for the Patriot!

C: Start assembling the Patriot already!

Shin: Next, we use toilet paper to wipe away his bloody past.

C: Who cares about his past?!

C: Make the Patriot already!

Kagura: And then you use the Patriot to wake him up.

C: The Patriot's already finished!

C: Why would you use a Patriot to make a Patriot?

Shin: Then you repeat the process three times.

C: You're just abusing him!

C: And aren't these the people who were shot?

Kagura: The chief must settle past accounts before he can be revived.

C: They're just getting revenge!

Heal

Shin: And finally, we send the factory chief into the healing machine.

Shin: The factory chief is complete!

C: Nothing changed!

Kagura: This is the completed form of the factory chief.

Kagura: He was born broken.

C: What was the point of that whole process then?!

Shin: In the second step,

we give the assembled factory chief motivation.

Shin: Otherwise known as giving the factory chief a goal.

C: Enough with the chief!

Shin: The chief is absolutely necessary

for the production of a Patriot,

Shin: so this can't be avoided.

C: When are you going to make a Patriot?!

A: This is turning into a factory for making factory chiefs!

I could only see the stars back then.

A: Hm? What's that?

A: They put him in a school uniform.

A: It's so fast!

A: I can barely keep up!

C: Hey! Look over there!

Do your best! Become the best factory chief in Japan!!

Both: Hooray! Hooray! Do your best!

A: Why are they acting like he's on a train to Tokyo?!

Sa: We believe in you!

You can become the best factory chief in Japan!

You can do it, Facto!

A: His name is Facto?!

A: Hey!

A: What kind of process is this?!

C: Now we have some kind of funky set!

Madao: You want to become a factory chief?!

Madao: You were destined to inherit

my toilet paper business from the

day you were born!

A: Who's that?!

Madao: Go to Edo to work for a tissue factory?!

Madao: Don't look down on me!

Madao: You think that toilet paper's only meant for wiping the ass?!

B: Why is the factory chief's father here?!

Daigoro: This must be a flashback.

Daigoro: He was kicked out of his home,

which would explain the previous scene.

Kondo: Darling!

Kondo: Stop it!

Kondo: Our son is making paper in his own way!

C: Now his mother's here?!

Madao: Let me go, Isako!

Madao: This is a discussion between men!

Madao: Ah, Facto!

Madao: Where are you going?! I'm not finished with you yet!

Roof

A: What are they trying to do?!

E: Oh, he's wearing his old clothes again.

Hijikata: Oh, chief.

Hijikata: Good work.

A: He has a buddy with him now!

Hijikata: Why are you taking a nap here?

A: He's not taking a nap!

A: He's been out cold on the conveyor belt this whole time!

Hijikata: Thinking about old times again?

Hijikata: Your old man was really something.

Hijikata: A family of toilet paper men who refused to use tissues.

Hijikata: When wiping his ass,

blowing his nose, writing down notes...

Hijikata: He even used toilet paper for the tires on his car.

A: Is the last one even necessary?!

Hijikata: You left your home because you didn't want

to follow in his footsteps.

Hijikata: And so, you became the chief of a tissue factory.

Hijikata: You still refuse to use toilet paper?

Hijikata: You're just as stubborn as your father.

Hijikata: Still, chief...

Hijikata: If your old man saw you now,

Hijikata: I'm sure he'd be willing to use tissues.

Kondo: He never changed...

Kondo: He was always so stubborn.

Kondo: He used toilet paper to wipe his ass and blow his nose.

Kondo: When your tissues first went on sale,

he used toilet paper to wipe away the tears.

Kondo: Tissues weren't good enough for him.

A: Chief!

A: What are you thinking?!

A: You really think this product will sell?!

B: I can't go along with this!

C: Hey, did you hear?

C: The chief has come up with a crazy new product.

Daigoro: D-Don't tell me...

C: His job's on the line.

C: But he insists on going through with the idea.

Daigoro: It can't be...

D: Hey, what kind of product are we talking about?

Daigoro: No way...

Gin: Toilet paper and tissue join together.

Gin: The ultimate paper for wiping away your tears.

Daigoro: Th-That's the Patriot!

Gin: We will now proceed to the final step for creating a Patriot.

B: Look! Above the conveyor belt!

Madao: Come, Patriot factory chief!

Shin: Do you still think that Patriots are trash?

Kagura: Do you still think that this job is trash?

Shin: Jobs aren't meant to be compared.

Shin: When you willingly work for the sake of someone else,

Shin: you're doing your job.

Shin: Every job deserves respect.

Shin: Because the world needs all of us to do our jobs.

Shin: Would you like to try doing your job?

Both: Go help the factory chief.

Gin: K-Kids...

Kids: You should have just gotten your ass off the conveyor belt!

A: Good work, everyone.

E: Yeah, we took out the trash.

Daigoro: Those damn fools wasted our time with that stupid show.

Shin: That was an educational experience.

Kagura: Yep.

Next Episode: What Happens Twice Can Happen Thrice

Gin: Next time:

Gin: What happens twice can happen thrice!