A: Hey, did you hear?
A: There was a messenger from the shogun.
Yagyu Dojo
A: It seems that the shogun wishes for the Yagyu to take custody of a key man.
B: It must be someone of Tokugawa blood.
B: If not, it will surely be someone from a noble family.
B: The Yagyu used to be responsible for providing instruction to the shogun.
B: It will be an honor to train alongside a relative of the shogun.
B: Still, I wonder who it's supposed to be.
Papa: I'm sure that you've heard the rumors.
Papa: The shogun has requested that we take custody of a key man.
Celebrity Life
Papa: We are supposed to drill him in the teachings of the Yagyu
Papa: and raise him to become a proper celebrity.
Papa: And so...
Papa: I want to put you in charge of his upbringing.
Papa: As you know, my father, Binbokusai Yagyu {I: Theres missing context in this translation, binboukusai is translabteable}
Papa: once instructed the shogun's father in the art of the sword.
Papa: Now it is your turn.
Papa: You will stay with our guest at all times,
Papa: while training him to become a warrior and keeping him safe.
Papa: Can I count on you?
Kyubei: Understood.
Kyubei: I, Kyubei, swear to fulfill my duty to the Yagyu...
Kyubei: No, to fulfill my duty to the shogun, Father.
Papa: Yes, an excellent response.
Papa: But...
Papa: It's not Father, it's Papa!
Papa: Or Daddy if you insist!
Papa: You must act like a celebrity!
Celebrity Life
Kyubei: I-I'm sorry, Papa!
Papa: Listen, you will be teaching him more than how to use a sword.
Papa: You must teach him to behave like a celebrity,
Papa: to live the celebrity life!
Papa: If anything happens to him,
seppuku will only be the beginning of our punishment.
Papa: Protect him with all of your might and
raise him to become a worthy celebrity!
Papa: Failure will not be allowed.
Kyubei: Yes, sir.
Papa: Then Kyubei, you must introduce yourself.
Kyubei: Introduce myself?
Kyubei: To who?
Papa: What are you talking about?
Papa: He's right there.
Kyubei: Papa, this is...
Papa: A key-mon.
Jugem
Gin: What's this?
Gin: Are we supposed to laugh?
Gin: Will you spare us if we laugh?
Shin: So what is going on here, Kyubei-san?
Kyubei: The shogun bought his younger sister a monkey as a pet,
Kyubei: and this is that monkey's son.
Kyubei: However, this monkey is a mischievous prankster who refuses to listen.
Kyubei: The retainers were at their wits' end,
so they decided to assign its training
Kyubei: to the Yagyu.
Gin: So they're passing along the hard work.
Gin: The former instructors of the shogun have
been reduced to monkey tamers.
Gin: The prosperous must decay, huh?
Gin: This stinks! What is it?!
Kyubei: Be careful.
Kyubei: The second this guy senses that someone is insulting him,
Kyubei: he launches poop as fast as Eastwood.
Kyubei: He has the pride of a celebrity, at least.
Gin: Where would you find a celebrity that throws shit around?!
Gin: Roppongi Hills?!
Otae: Kyu-chan, Gin-san is right.
Otae: The shogun's retainers just wanted to be rid of it.
They won't come back for it.
Kyubei: That may be the case, but an order is an order.
Kyubei: I must obey.
Shin: You're going to keep on looking after this key-mon?
Kyubei: He may be naughty, but he's learned how to apologize.
Kyubei: Now apologize.
Shin: He threw poop while he was apologizing.
Shin: He looks as guilty as a regular shoplifter who's gotten caught again.
Kyubei: Now that he's my responsibility,
Kyubei: I intend to raise him into a celebrity monkey who
can stand with the best of them.
Kyubei: But there's one problem.
Kyubei: This monkey doesn't have a name yet.
Kyubei: They intended to give him to one of the shogun's relatives,
Kyubei: so they were going to leave the naming to them.
Kyubei: But that idea fell through, so he has no name.
Kyubei: Since I'll be taking care of him, it would help if he had a name.
Kyubei: I would prefer a lucky name that he can be proud of
Kyubei: once he returns to the shogun's family.
Gin: It doesn't matter what you name a monkey.
Gin: How's Monkiki sound?
Kyubei: He doesn't like it.
Gin: Hey! He doesn't know how to express himself without using shit?!
Gin: And how much shit is he packing?!
Kyubei: Plain old Monkey would be better than Monkiki
Kyubei: since the name change hurt his popularity.
Shin: Who are you talking about?
Otae: A lucky name?
Otae: How about Jugem?
Shin: What's that?
Otae: It's a way of wishing for someone to have a long life.
Jugem
Kyubei: Oh, he likes it, Tae-chan.
Gin: What the hell?
Gin: He still throws shit when he agrees?
Gin: And why am I always the target?
Gin: I have a feeling he just doesn't like me.
Gin: Let's call him Shit-Tosser!
Kyubei: If it brings luck, it'll work.
Shin: It'll bring a lot more than luck. That's for sure.
Shin: The name's not subtle enough.
Shin: We should try for something that's more fluid.
Kagura: Runny Diarrhea?
Shin: That's not what I meant!
Shin: I didn't mean that the poop should be more fluid!
Shin: I was saying that we should try for a name
that flows better and isn't so obvious!
Gin: Hey! Now he's throwing shit that's more fluid!
Gin: Do something about this!
Otae: Isn't so obvious...
Otae: Oh, then...
Otae: How about Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear?
Shin: They were dirty?!
Shin: Why are you telling everybody this?!
Kagura: That would be mean.
Kagura: Let's just name him Shinpachi's Sorry Life.
Shin: Now you're making it sound like I'm covered in shit!
Gin: Hey! Enough already!
Gin: I'm the one who's covered in shit!
Kyubei: I see.
Kyubei: Then let's go with Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the Life of
Kyubei: Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear Runny Diarrhea.
Shin: That's long!
Shin: Why did you combine them all?!
Kyubei: Well, everybody was helping me brainstorm.
Kyubei: And it can't hurt to have too many lucky names.
Shin: None of those are lucky names!
Shin: Most of them involve poop in one form or another!
Kyubei: However, this name may be lucky, but it lacks class.
Kyubei: We should try to make his name something that is more socially acceptable.
Shin: You want to keep going?!
Shin: It'll be damn hard to turn that into something socially acceptable!
Shin: It'd be like turning the last boss into the hero!
Shin: That Runny Diarrhea part will be the hardest to spin!
Shin: You don't have any chance of finding a hero
that can add class to that name!
Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the Life of Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear Runny Diarrhea
Shin: We'll need a really cool name to make it work!
Kagura: How about Balmung Fezalion?
Shin: That's so juvenile!
Shin: This is supposed to be the name of a monkey!
Kagura: Balmung Fezalion.
Kagura: Also known as the Black Wind.
Kagura: Captain of the Fakinaway dark knights.
Kagura: He is normally a composed person,
Kagura: but when his comrades are in trouble,
Kagura: he loses sight of his surroundings and goes berserk.
Kagura: A minus.
Kagura: His dreaded enemy, the Demon Emperor Runny Diarrhea, is his father.
Kagura: A third eye appears on his forehead when his true powers awaken.
Kagura: Later became the Brutal Emperor Kaiser Fakinaway.
Shin: Who are you talking about?!
Shin: Nobody's asked to...
Kagura: His ultimate attack is Dark Fakinaway.
Kagura: It only works when his third eye is open.
Kagura: Hell Fakinaway.
Kagura: It only works when it's that time.
Shin: Why are there commands for his ultimate att*cks?!
Shin: And when is that time?!
Otae: He sounds pretty cool,
but he seems to be depending too much on Fakinaway.
Shin: Uh, that has nothing to do with his name!
Otae: And it's not very lucky to rely on the powers of darkness.
Shin: Nobody's using any powers of darkness!
Shin: They don't exist!
Otae: How does this sound?
Otae: Issac Schneider.
Otae: Also known as the Prince of Light.
Otae: Balmung's younger twin brother.
Otae: While his brother was abandoned at young age,
Issac was able to live in comfort.
Otae: He realizes his father's dark intentions
Otae: and achieves peace with Balmung after the Ragnarok Shepherd w*r.
Otae: Then they form a band, which is now known as B'z.
Shin: Now known as B'z, my ass!
Shin: Stop lying through your teeth!
Shin: Why would they ignore their father's evil and start a band?!
Otae: Special card ability:
Otae: Bad Communication.
Otae: Return all opponent's attack cards to their hands.
Otae: My selfish love won't let met me hurt you.
Otae: My selfish love destroys all cards that aren't Matsumoto.
Shin: Hey!
Shin: Is this supposed to be a card game or a fighting game?!
Kagura: You're awesome, boss lady!
Kagura: You've helped to turn Balmung back to the side of light!
Shin: Are you sure?!
Shin: Are you sure she didn't just turn him into a band member?!
Kyubei: Yes, the threat of Runny Diarrhea has been avoided.
Shin: The hell it has!
Shin: They ignored it!
Shin: They ignored it and started B'z instead!
Kyubei: Okay, time to get serious.
Kyubei: What should we try next?
Shin: You still want to continue?
Shin: His name is too long already.
Otae: Yes, let's try...
Kyubei: Okay, finished.
Kyubei: Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the
Kyubei: Life of Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear
Kyubei: Balmung Fezalion Issac Schneider
Kyubei: / True Love / Hangnail Anxiety
Kyubei: Betrayal Knows My Name Or Does It Really
Kyubei: Ignore Calls Squid Dogfish Halibut Trout-Cod Dogfish...
Kyubei: This Is a Different Dogfish, I'm Talking About The Dogfish Shark
Kyubei: Kaluga Angler Ray
Kyubei: Yuuteimiyaoukimukou Pepepepepepepepepepepepe
Kyubei: Runny Diarrhea.
Shin: That's frickin' long!
Shin: And it turned into a game of Shiritori halfway through!
Shin: And look at the last part!
Shin: That's just a Spell of Resurrection!
Shin: What happened to all that talk about class?
Kyubei: A true name represents the name of your soul.
Kyubei: If someone were to learn your true name,
they would have free reign over your soul.
Kyubei: But since your name is this long,
nobody will be able to profane your soul.
Kyubei: Isn't that wonderful,
Kyubei: Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the
Kyubei: Life of Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear
Kyubei: Balmung Fezalion Issac Schneider
Kyubei: / True Love / Hangnail Anxiety
Kyubei: Betrayal Knows My Name Or Does It Really
Kyubei: Ignore Calls Squid Dogfish Halibut Trout-Cod Dogfish...
Kyubei: This Is a Different Dogfish, I'm Talking About The Dogfish Shark
Kyubei: Kaluga Angler Ray
Kyubei: Yuuteimiyaoukimukou Pepepepepepepepepepepepe
Kyubei: Runny Diarrhea.
Shin: It's frickin' long!
Shin: It's obviously too frickin' long!
Shin: You just ate up thirty seconds!
Otae: The road ahead will be tough, so hang in there.
Otae: Let her take good care of you,
Otae: Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing
Otae: the Life of Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear
Otae: Balmung Fezalion Issac Schneider / True Love / Hangnail...
Shin: Enough! Enough already!
Shin: You don't have to say his entire name!
Kagura: Don't spend all your time throwing poop around,
Kagura: Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the
Kagura: Life of Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear
Kagura: Balmung Fezalion Issac Schneider / ...
Shin: Hey! Cut that out!
Shin: We aren't going to get anywhere like this!
Shin: And you guys have really good memories!
Kyubei: Thank you, everyone.
Kyubei: I will raise him to be a celebrity monkey!
Kyubei: Let's go, Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the Life...
Shin: Leave already!
Shin: Please leave already!
Shin: W-Was it really such a good idea
to give him that long-ass name?
Otae: I'm sure that Kyu-chan will be fine with
Otae: Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the
Otae: Life of Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear
Otae: Balmung Fezalion Issac Schneider
Otae: / True Love / Hangnail Anxiety
Otae: Betrayal Knows My Name Or Does It Really
Otae: Ignore Calls Squid Dogfish Halibut Trout-Cod Dogfish...
Shin: Enough!
Otae-chan Love
Tojo: They're incredibly close.
Tojo: She treats him like her own little brother.
Tojo: Dammit!
Tojo: How could I, Ayumu Tojo, be foolish enough to let a monkey one-up me?!
Tojo: Before he came, I was always the one at my lady's side!
Gin: More like you were always watching her from the shadows.
Tojo: I was the one meant to rest upon her shoulder like a chirping bird!
Gin: More like you were meant to rest in a soapland.
Tojo: My only refuge is in the corner
of the loft next to a sliding shower curtain ring!
Tojo: I'm like a leftover sliding shower curtain ring!
Tojo: The curtain has no room for me!
Tojo: But when it slides left or right, I still get pushed along!
Tojo: Sliding between the dojo and the loft!
Tojo: I'm like a sliding ring that slides until it dies!
Tojo: I'm sliding!
Tojo: But it's a slidin' shame!
Tojo: 'Cause I slide!
Gin: Enough with the slidin' already!
Gin: Why did you come here?!
Gin: Nothing's changed at all!
Gin: Go slide yourself off in a soapland!
Shin: That's right.
Shin: How can you be jealous of a monkey?
Shin: And this is a good experience for Kyubei-san.
Shin: You were the one who wanted her to act more like a girl.
Kagura: That's right! Kyu-chan's never looked like this before!
Tojo: Shut up!
Tojo: What would you know?!
Tojo: In that case, tell me this!
Tojo: A monkey's ass looks cute in anime,
Tojo: but in real life, it's all rough and gross!
Tojo: It's damn sick!
Shin: What is he even talking about?
Tojo: When I think about how that filthy ass
has been rubbing up against the lady's shoulder,
Tojo: I just... I just...
Tojo: Feel so jealous.
Gin: Hey, Kagura. Make his ass all rough and gross.
Tojo: That hurts!
Tojo: Hey, this isn't funny!
Tojo: I'm sorry! Forgive me!
Tojo: Not there!
Tojo: Regardless, I long to turn that monkey into monkey soup.
Tojo: However, he is a member of the shogun's family.
Tojo: I can not lay a finger on him.
Tojo: It pains me to admit this, but the monkey may
be having a positive effect on the lady.
Tojo: But I haven't told her this yet...
Tojo: I have bad news for her.
Tojo: Though it's good news for me.
Tojo: The shogun's family has requested the return of the monkey.
Tojo: You heard that the monkey was supposed to be a gift to a relative, right?
Tojo: Apparently, they've heard that the monkey has been trained,
Tojo: so they have requested that the monkey be gifted to them.
Kagura: I-It's not fair to ask for him now!
Kagura: They're the ones who didn't want him!
Tojo: But we knew this from the beginning.
Tojo: They requested that we train the unruly beast.
Shin: But Kyubei-san will be...
Tojo: I wouldn't have been worried about the lady before.
Tojo: But now that she's grown so attached to that monkey...
Tojo: I beg you!
Tojo: Could you please break this news to the lady?!
Kagura: Huh?! How can you even ask such a thing?!
Tojo: Because!
Tojo: She'll hate me if I'm the one who tells her!
Tojo: Lords Binbokusai and Koshinori are so mean!
Tojo: They always give me the tough jobs!
Tojo: If I tell her to return the monkey, she'll stop talking to me again!
Kyubei: I see...
Kyubei: They want their monkey back...
Tojo: L-Lady...?
Shin: Kyubei-san...
Kyubei: I am relieved.
Kyubei: I was able to fulfill my duty.
Tojo: Huh?
Kyubei: Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the
Fast Forward
Kyubei: Life of Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear
Kyubei: Balmung Fezalion Issac Schneider
Kyubei: / True Love / Hangnail Anxiety
Kyubei: Betrayal Knows My Name Or Does It Really
Kyubei: Ignore Calls Squid Dogfish Halibut Trout-Cod Dogfish...
Kyubei: This Is a Different Dogfish, I'm Talking About The Dogfish Shark
Kyubei: Kaluga Angler Ray
Kyubei: Yuuteimiyaoukimukou Pepepepepepepepepepepepe
Kyubei: Runny Diarrhea will no longer cause trouble for anyone.
Shin: Uh, that long-ass name could cause a lot of trouble.
Kyubei: I've taught him to throw his poop into a toilet instead of at people.
Gin: You might wanna teach him that I'm not a toilet.
Kagura: But Kyu-chan, are you okay with parting with him?
Kyubei: I don't see what the problem is.
Kyubei: That was the job.
Kyubei: I am his teacher, not his owner.
Kyubei: My duty is to return him to the shogun once he's trained.
Kyubei: This will be our last night together, but I can't let you sleep with me.
Kyubei: Tomorrow, you'll be sleeping somewhere else.
Kyubei: You need to get used to it.
Kyubei: A celebrity samurai must be able to fall asleep in any location.
Kyubei: Well, good night.
Kagura: But they didn't even want him!
Kagura: And now they change their minds?!
Kagura: And you gave him a wonderful name and took such good care of him!
Kagura: I'm sure that he'll miss you.
Kyubei: I am simply following my orders from the Bakufu.
Kyubei: I do not feel any particular affection for this monkey.
Kyubei: Quiet. Go to sleep.
Kyubei: Quiet.
Kyubei: You don't need to feel sad.
Kyubei: It doesn't matter if we're separated by a screen...
Kyubei: Doesn't matter how far apart we are...
Kyubei: I'll always be by your side,
Kyubei: Jugem Jugem Shit-Tossing the Life of
Kyubei: Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear
Kyubei: Balmung Fezalion Issac Schneider
Kyubei: / True Love / Hangnail Anxiety
Kyubei: Betrayal Knows My Name Or Does It Really
Kyubei: Ignore Calls Squid Dogfish Halibut Trout-Cod Dogfish...
Kyubei: This Is a Different Dogfish, I'm Talking About The Dogfish Shark
Kyubei: Kaluga Angler Ray
Kyubei: Yuuteimiyaoukimukou Pepepepepepepepepepepepe
Kyubei: Runny Diarrhea.
His name is so long that we'll have to continue this in the next episode.
Next Episode
Tojo: D-Damn it all!
Tojo: After that monkey toyed with the lady's feelings, he ran away!
Tojo: How dare he abuse her kindness!
Tojo: I'm so jealous!
Kyubei: Shut up.
Tojo: Yes, ma'am!
The Name Reveals the Person
Kyubei: Next time:
Kyubei: The name reveals the person.
05x20 - Jugem
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Japanese manga series where aliens have invaded and taken over feudal Tokyo, an unemployed samurai finds work however he can.
Japanese manga series where aliens have invaded and taken over feudal Tokyo, an unemployed samurai finds work however he can.