07x17 - A Phoenix Rises from the Ashes Over and Over

[bunniefuu]

Sign: Hasegawa Taizo's request: Be sure to watch this program in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV...

G: That was so much fun!

G: Tomorrow, let's invite Kagura-chan out and set off fireworks.

G: Sure.

G: Summer vacation really is a blast.

G: You can say that again.

G: I wish it would never end.

H: Are you sure about that?

H: Do you really want summer vacation to last forever?

H: If summer vacation were endless,

H: what would you want to do?

H: Keep vacationing forever?

H: Keep vacationing even as your classmates enter a new school term?

H: Keep vacationing even as they all graduate,

H: become independent, and start working?

H: Keep vacationing even as your parents make sarcastic remarks

Disturb,Sign: Do Not Disturb!

H: about how your friend So-And-So got promoted or married?

H: "Really, I wanted to get a job too,

H: and get married, and repay my parents for all they've done for me."

H: With such thoughts in your head,

Deadbeat,Sign: Mother of a Home Security Guard

H: would you stay in your room, left alone with nobody to call family,

H: and keep vacationing?

H: Of course you would.

H: You were the one who wished for an eternal summer vacation,

H: so you'd have to keep on vacationing,

H: with no vacations from your vacationing!

H: Do you get it now?

H: Vacations can only exist after work obligations,

H: the basis of the human lifestyle, are fulfilled!

H: You can't call a year-round vacation a vacation at all!

H: The same holds true for everything.

H: An endless vacation is the same as work.

H: It turns into an obligation, a source of pain.

H: You can only enjoy a vacation because it'll end someday.

H: You can only keep working because it'll end someday.

H: An endless summer vacation is no different from an eternal hell!

H: Thank your lucky stars!

H: Be thankful that your life has both obligations and vacations, both ups and downs!

H: Thankful that your summer vacation can still be called a summer vacation!

Title: A Phoenix Rises from the Ashes Over and Over

H: In the midst of my endless summer vacation,

H: that was the only obligation I had left.

B: Summer vacation's the best!

H: What's so great about it?

B: It's him!

H: When kids gather at our home, the park,

H: and stay out playing too late, I warn them not to get too excited,

H: and send them on their way home.

H: Summer is a demon.

H: Conventional wisdom says summer is when youths start going down the wrong path.

B: Since it's summer vacation, what say we hit up the beach tomorrow?

H: Why does it have to be during summer vacation?

G: No! Don't leave me here alone!

H: As someone who's walked down the wrong path myself,

H: there are things that only I can say.

H: Using my life as an example,

H: I kept enlightening them to what life and summer vacation truly are.

H: But the number of kids gathering at the park didn't go down.

H: Far from it.

B: Hey, mister.

B: You're the guy who's going around telling scary stories, right?

B: I hear they're super scary.

B: Would you tell us one, too?

H: Before I knew it...

H: I'd become the scary-story teller.

Shin: How?!

Sign: Odd Jobs Gin-chan

Shin: How did the guy keeping kids on the straight and narrow

Shin: become the friendly scary-story teller?!

H: I have no idea.

H: All I did was complain or tell them stories of my failures,

H: but it scared the living daylights out of those brats.

H: Now they come around to listen to my One Hundred Complaining Tales.

Shin: What happened to the guy telling them not to stay out too late?!

H: And it's turning out to be quite profitable.

H: Kids these days have a lot of money, huh?

Shin: What's wrong with you?! They're kids!

Shin: You're the one who's strayed farthest from the straight and narrow!

H: I can finally escape my eternal summer vacation now.

H: Or so I thought,

H: but I've run out of things to complain about.

H: I thought I'd collect some actual scary stories here

H: and get this business on the road.

H: Do you know of any?

Gin: Scary stories?

Gin: I hate those kinds of baseless fabrications most of all.

H: You can't handle them, right?

H: So you should know better than anyone what's scary and what's not.

Gin: Th-They don't scare me at all.

H: Tell me one, then.

H: I'll split the profits with you, of course.

Kag: Really?

Kag: I'll tell you some stories I know, then.

H: I need stuff that sends chills down the spine!

Kag: Got it.

Kag: In a land far, far away,

Kag: there were five boys protecting a goddess.

Kag: But one day,

Kag: the goddess's chest was pierced by an enemy's arrow,

Kag: and the boys had to charge into the enemy's base

Kag: in order to save her life.

Kag: And so, the boys had to climb

Kag: this long-ass staircase leading to the Houses of Zodiac

Kag: for what seemed like an eternity,

Kag: ruining their summer vacation.

H: That's a stair-y story, not a scary one!

Stair,Sign: Stair-y {\c&H ABAC &}Story

H: And isn't that Saint Seiya?!

Kag: Pitter patter, pitter patter...

Kag: No matter how much they climbed, there were no Houses in sight.

Kag: "Huh? That's weird. How much farther to the Houses?

Kag: Are they in Another Dimension?"

Kag: Pitter patter...

Kag: But they still couldn't see the Houses.

H: Try and sound like Inagawa Junji all you want, it's still Saint Seiya!

H: I want to hear scary stories!

H: You know, the ones with shocking twists like "it's you" at the end!

H: Get a clue, would you?!

Kag: It's... you!

H: I didn't mean as a comic retort!

Kag: Oh, okay.

Sugar,Sign: Sugar Content

Kag: You want "it's you," right?

Kag: You should've said so.

H: I've been saying it all along.

Kag: In a land far, far away,

Kag: there were a pair of siblings who were abandoned by their parents.

Kag: They lived in poverty, but they got by with each other's support.

Kag: But one time, the younger brother fell ill,

Kag: and with no money and no family to turn to,

Kag: the older brother left him at a shrine and ran away.

Kag: Even though he'd convinced himself that somebody would save his brother,

Kag: the older brother was so scared, he never went back to the shrine.

Kag: Five years later,

Kag: once he'd found a job and was leading a stable lifestyle,

Kag: he made up his mind to return to the shrine.

Kag: Of course, he didn't see his brother on the shrine grounds.

Kag: Instead, he found a child sobbing in front of the shrine.

Kag: For some reason, the sight reminded him of his brother.

Kag: Unable to ignore the child, he approached him.

Kag: "Are you lost, kid?"

Kag: "Where'd your mother go?"

Kag: The boy didn't reply.

Kag: "What about your father, then?"

Kag: The boy didn't reply.

Kag: "What about your brother, then?"

LB: That

LB: is a question you should be asking yourself,

LB: brother!

LB: Got you!

LB: None can escape Andromeda's Web!

LB: You will die with me here, brother!

BB: Did you really think a puny web like this could clip a phoenix's wings?

LB: Brother?

BB: Who's going to die here?

BB: It's you!

H: What kind of "it's you" usage is that?!

H: Why'd it turn into Saint Seiya at the crucial moment?!

Kag: I'm pretty sure that's how the story I heard went.

H: That's not how you use "it's you"!

H: When the little brother turns around...

LB: It's you!

H: Got it?

H: Why does it end with the older one firing back at him?

H: What kinda scary story is that?

Gin: Scary...

Gin: Super scary!

H: What part of that story made you freak out?!

Gin: T-Toei Animation's gonna k*ll us!

H: Okay, yeah, that's scary.

H: Really scary.

Shin: Close, but no cigar.

Shin: Scary stories need to give people goosebumps.

Kag: Huh? You got a problem, four-eyes?!

Kag: Let's see you try, then!

Shin: Everyone might've heard this one already...

H: No problem. It's sure to be better than Kagura-chan's stories, at least.

Kag: Say what?!

Kag: This better be real scary, or I'm breaking your glasses and your shades!

Shin: That...

Shin: comes right after these ads.

Shin: In a land far, far away,

Shin: there was a husband and wife, and their daughter,

Shin: a family of three.

Shin: But the couple's relationship was on the rocks,

Shin: and perhaps due to that,

Shin: the husband started having an affair,

Shin: and before long, began considering his wife's mere presence a bother.

Shin: Perhaps what happened then was the work of fate.

Shin: In the midst of another fight,

Shin: the husband was overcome with rage

Shin: and m*rder*d his wife.

Shin: Before their daughter woke up,

Shin: he carried his wife's body up the mountains, and buried it there in the dead of night.

Shin: On the way back,

Shin: despite his relief at being freed of his wife,

Shin: he felt his feet growing more and more sluggish.

Shin: The guilt of committing a m*rder played a part,

Shin: but most of all, his daughter weighed heavily on his mind.

Shin: What if she asked where her mother went?

Shin: How was he supposed to face her from then on?

Shin: The more he thought about it, the heavier his body felt.

Shin: Completely unaware of how he felt,

Shin: the daughter woke up that morning

Shin: with a smile on her face.

Shin: She did not ask about her mother,

Shin: but wore a beaming smile.

Shin: Rather than making the husband relieved,

Shin: that smile only made him uneasy.

Shin: When he asked her why she was in such a good mood, she said,

Shin: "Because even though you two were fighting all the time,

Shin: it looks like you've finally made up."

Shin: "Your mother's not here. She's visiting her family."

Shin: When her father inadvertently uttered that lie,

Shin: the daughter said in reply,

Shin: "What are you saying, Dad?

Shin: Mom's right there, clinging to your back."

Shin: That's right...

Kag: A Phoenix rises from the ashes over and over!

H: Where the hell did Phoenix come from?!

Shin: Kagura-chan! Could you not shoehorn Phoenix into my story?!

Kag: That was too cliched.

Kag: Scary stories are all about adding original elements to familiar stories.

H: Original, my foot!

H: That was totally a rip-off!

H: Don't go adding stupid things!

H: Cliched is fine!

H: You know, stuff where a ghost approaches someone and says

H: "right behind you" at the end is perfectly fine!

G: Curses! Where did he go?!

Ph: "Right behind you!"

H: Why is Phoenix sneaking around to the ghost's back?!

H: That's the ghost's job! The ghost is supposed to take the back!

G: So this is Phoenix's bag.

H: Why would she take his bag?!

Ph: That's just an illusion.

Ph: Looks like you fell for my Demonic Illusion Fist.

H: Enough with Phoenix already!

H: He's so OP, he ruins scary stories at Mach speed!

H: Hey, tell her off, Gin-san.

Gin: Before, it was To Love-Ru and Kuroko people coming after us,

Gin: and this time...

Gin: This is bad!

Gin: No amount of pastry boxes will be enough!

H: There was something scarier than scary stories!

Sugar,Sign: Sugar Content

Gin: All right, fine.

Gin: If I leave you guys to your devices any longer,

Gin: we'll only make more enemies.

Gin: I'd rather deal with a ghost than the Gold Saint.

Gin: Allow me to present to you a very special scary story.

Gin: You said you were fine with the "right behind you" types, right?

Gin: In a land far, far away lived a very wealthy lady.

Gin: One day, she got a new pegasus doll as a present,

Gin: so she threw away her unicorn doll named Jabu.

H: This reeks of Seiya already!

H: That's Lady Saori, isn't it?!

Gin: One day,

Gin: she was alone in her mansion

Gin: when the ringing of the telephone echoed through the hallways.

Gin: She picked up the receiver, only to hear a creepy voice from the other end.

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: Why'd you throw me away?

J: You'll pay for that.

J: I'm heading over right now.

G: At first, the lady thought it was just a prank call

G: and laughed it off.

G: However...

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: I'm at the intersection on Third now.

J: We'll see each other soon.

S: I-It can't be. It can't be Jabu.

S: How could a fodder character who was eliminated in volume three

S: of the manga come back now?

S: I don't believe it.

H: What are you even talking about?!

G: Paying no heed to the panicking lady, the phone kept ringing.

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: The signal just turned green.

H: Oh, I get it.

H: He's gonna gradually get closer before

H: saying he's right behind her at the end, right?

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: I just took a right at the intersection.

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: I'm at the intersection.

H: He's back at the intersection?

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: I just took a left at the intersection.

H: His reports are getting too detailed!

H: There's too much Jabu in this thing.

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: I just got back to the intersection.

H: What does he mean, he got back?

H: He's done nothing but wander around the intersection for a while now!

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: I'm in front of the police box.

H: He's lost, isn't he?

H: Jabu's totally lost, isn't he?

H: Is he gonna be all right?

H: He's gonna make it, right?

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: I just got to the airport.

H: He's coming by plane?!

H: Was he really thrown that far away?!

H: Just how long is this gonna take?!

J: Hello? It's me, Jabu.

J: My horn just triggered a body search.

H: Who cares?! Hurry it up!

J: Hello?

J: I apologize for calling at this late hour. It's me, Jabu.

J: Oh, not the unicorn. Just a horse.

J: I'm really sorry for calling so many times.

H: He got his horn broken off!

H: He's lost his edge and become much mellower!

J: Um, so about my promise to meet you...

J: I'm in Morocco for personal reasons, so I might not make it today.

H: Morocco?

H: He lost his horn in Morocco?

J: Actually, where in heaven's name are you, girl?

J: Couldn't you have told me you were moving? Gosh, that's so cold of you!

H: What the hell?! Why is he talking all feminine now?!

H: Is that what "losing his horn" actually meant?

J: What? You're in Morocco, too?

H: Why is the lady helping Jabu out?!

J: She says to send her a selfie with where I'm at right now.

J: Hang on just a teensy-weensy sec! I'll send it over ASAP!

H: Are you two friends or something?!

Mail,Sign: Open Cancel

S: I'm...

S: right behind you!

H: That's where you use it?!

H: Instead of Jabu, the lady says "right behind you"?

Gin: But it'd be scary if Jabu said it.

H: That's the point!

Gin: Jabu got to meet the lady,

Gin: and it turned into a heartwarming scary story.

Gin: All's well that ends well, right?

H: That wasn't heartwarming or scary at all!

H: Normally, Jabu would gradually draw closer

H: and get all the way to her room!

H: And then, the lady turns to the last resort and cuts off

H: the phone line.

H: Just when she thinks she's saved...

J: Milady. It's me, Jabu.

J: I'm...

Ph: It's you!

H: We don't need the "it's you"!

H: That was the punchline for the previous scary story!

H: This one's is "right behind you"!

Ph: Right behind you!

H: Not behind Phoenix!

H: Just how many Phoenixes are there?!

Kag: Like I told you,

Kag: a Phoenix rises from the ashes over and over.

H: Not that! Behind the lady...

Shin: ...Phoenix is clinging to your back.

H: What the hell?! Enough of that!

Kag: It's you!

H: I told you, we used that punchline already!

Gin: Right behind you!

Shin: Phoenix is clinging.

Kag: It's you!

Gin: Right behind you!

Shin: Phoenix is clinging.

Kag: It's you!

Gin: Right behind you!

Shin: Phoenix is clinging.

Kag: It's you!

Gin: Right behind you!

Shin: Phoenix is clinging.

Kag: It's you!

Gin: Right behind you!

Shin: Phoenix is clinging.

Kag: It's you!

Gin: Right behind you!

H: The scare in this case is a staircase filled with Phoenixes?!

Shin: Phoenix is clinging.

H: Enough! I'm done asking you guys for help!

H: I'd be better off making something up myself—

Gin: Hello?

P: Hello? Is this Sakata Gintoki-san's residence?

P: I'm calling from the Oedo Copyright Agency...

H: I'm at the intersection on Third right now.

G: Hello, you've reached Sunrise—

G: I mean, Bandai Namco Pictures.

G: Hello?

G: I'm calling from the Copyright Agency...

Sign: Preview

Shin: O Lady Robokko, please hear us.

Kag: Will we be forgiven for our sins?

Gin: Huh?

Gin: Wait, after all this time...

Gin: It's the shogun?!

Tam: "Amen."

Title: Amen

text r: Man, that was terrifying!!!

text l: We nearly wet ourselves!!!

text r: Next episode, we repent for all kinds of mistakes

text l: by opening a "Confessional Booth"!