02x05 - Down to the Underwire

[bunniefuu]

Dad, the votes are in. And
today's breakfast is egg-cellent.

Thanks, Cole. I was
scrambling on what to make.

I would love to stick around, but
yolk's on me, I gotta get to work.

- Nice, Mom.
- No, no. Not nice.

Work? You? Work?
On Sunday? Today?

- It's the paper's th anniversary.
- Wow, the big - .

But it looks .

Yeah, it's great.

But our ad department sold this week as
a double edition to help boost sales,

and someone forgot to
tell the editorial staff.

So I'm helping Marvin write a
buttload of articles in a day.

Is "buttload" a technical term?

Molly? Sweetie? Is
something wrong?

I need a new bra.

That doesn't seem
like a big deal.

It is a big deal.

Friday before PE, I
was in the locker room

and some eighth-grade girls
were talking and one was like,

"I love my new bra. I'm so glad
I got rid of my training bra."

And guess who was wearing
a training bra. Me.

And then I looked at everyone
else's super cool bras.

Lace bras, colorful bras,

straps that go left and right,
up, down, zigzag, waffle cut...

All different kinds,
except training.

Nope, just me. The only one.

I might as well have been
wearing diapers and a bib.

So, yeah. It is a big deal.

I've got locker room blues.

I'm feeling confused.

My training bra needs
Some new training wheels.

A nice little lace With
a cute little frill

I've got a bra-blem.

Can I get some light support?

I've got a bra-blem.

And it's happening
under my shirt

I need some pinks and
blues No pastel snooze.

No va-va-vroom is there

I need light support, a credit
card To meet me halfway there.

My bust needs a boost now.

My girls need a goose now.

I see double D's and triple
E's I'm feeling insecure.

The best of me wants to be free.

And show off these two stars.

Something compelling
for my melons Girls.

These hooters need a hoot
And no one's even yelling

I've got a bra-blem.

It's just a little
quick trip To the mall

I've got a bra-blem.

Does anybody hear my call?

I'm a woman, least
I'm getting there

I should mark this special moment
With a bra with some flair.

Bye, Victoria I'm
the one with secrets.

And I can no longer keep it.

Take a look around.

The perfect bra
will hold me down.

Or hold me up I'm like
I'm feeling stuck.

Please Mom and Dad
Your girl is growing up

I've got a bra-blem.

And I need it today. I know I
should've told you yesterday,

but I was working through a lot
of complex bra-related emotions.

And so I'm telling you now, on a Sunday,
a day that you don't usually work,

but you won't have
any time today?

You know what? Screw work.
I'm taking you bra shopping.

- Really?
- Yeah. I don't care if I get fired.

- It's worth it.
- Wait, Paige.

What if instead of you
getting fired, I took her?

- Really?
- Why not? I could be your bra-bro.

- Yeah. I guess that works too.
- Love this plan.

I'll finish work superfast and
meet up with you at the store.

- You good with this, Molly?
- Bra shopping with my dad?

Sure, of course.

But, Dad? Just don't
call yourself my bra-bro.

- Felt wrong when he said it.
- I'll go get ready.

And you're okay with this too?

No, definitely not. I'm
petrified, but in a good way,

'cause it's for Molly and it
seems really important to her.

Go. Don't worry. Just let
me worry. I'm not worried.

This is Cole Tillerman.
Go ahead and fill me in.

Hey, Cole. Wanna
play pirates today?

I made a new eye patch out of an old
sock, and I wanna give it a whirl.

Enrique, I'm sorry, but
I already have plans.

Well, maybe next time.

I should probably practice
with the eye patch anyway.

- I've been bumping into a lot of stuff.
- Ahoy for now.

Cole, you're turning
down a pirate sesh?

Is everything all right
with you and Enrique?

Yeah, he's still my co-pirate.

It's Sunday morning, which is
when I go help walk Shampagne,

my furry life partner.

I'll tell him you say hi. Bye.

So Cole is headed to the park
to meet up with Shampagne,

which is actually the key to
the next part of this story.

Let me say that again. The key.

You don't know what I'm talking
about, but you will soon.

Whoosh. I mean swoosh.
I mean, just go.

So you like my perfume, eh?

It's my I-have-an-important-meeting
perfume. It's called Night Beast.

It definitely smells
like some sort of animal.

- I won't be needing you at my meeting.
- Oh, no. I'm so sad.

Besides, Shampagne needs to be walked
so he does his business, and also,

you need to go into the
bathroom and flush my business.

Be back in a few hours.

I see why she left this
one. She's proud of herself.

Yeah? The key, from
before? When I said it?

I bet you're wondering what that
tiny little key goes to, aren't you?

Good. I'll tell you.

So the story Of that
little key is this.

It unlocks Bitsy's
locked filing cabinet.

Which hides all her
secrets And mysteries.

Her will, her estate papers
Two diamond Slinkies.

It was the ' s.

Every night When the little
hand lands on the six.

Bitsy takes the time
To lock her cabinet

Helen said it before Where
there's a way there's a will.

She's gotta act fast If she's
caught she'll be k*lled.

Maybe at least maimed.

- Helen.
- You're still here.

I wanted one more perfume
spritz. I only did two coats.

Now, quit shitzadawdlin'
and walk that shitzadoodle.

Yes. Yes, ma'am.
Will... I will do.

You never call me ma'am, weirdo.

Sure, I do. Now, off you go
and take all the time you need.

Just walk Shampagne!

Can't wait to walk Shampagne.

There he is. There's my guy.
Who's got kisses for Cole?

This is gonna be quick. I
gotta get back to the hotel

to do stuff. Don't
worry about it.

Quick? Shampagne's more of a slow and
steady wins the race kind of pooper.

Also, we usually do an hour walk, and
it's the most magical hour of my week.

Yikes. That's so cool
and not sad for you.

Let's go. I'm gonna join you guys
today to make sure this moves along.

You're gonna love it.

So, Shampagne, would you rather
live on a planet without doughnuts

or live on a doughnut
and also be a doughnut?

Dear, Lord, how long
have we been walking?

- seconds?
- He's gonna poop.

- Damn it.
- False alarm.

He's crouching, he's
crouching. Damn it.

Poop already.

We try to keep the poop pressure
to a minimum, thank you so much.

Finally! Okay, bye.

Come on. But he's only
seen four squirrels.

Sorry, I have some very
important files to look over.

Boring stuff. Adult
stuff. Gotta go.

I turned down other offers
for this. Intriguing offers.

Sorry, bye.

Dad and daughter on the subway.

- Gettin' their bra game faces on.
- Oh, boy.

So, do you know what kind
of bra you're looking for?

Yes, simple. Something that's me,
but also not me, but could be me.

Just a different version of me.

Not too girlie, but sort of girlie.
Kind of sporty, but not too sporty.

'Cause, who are we kidding?
And in blue? Maybe?

Then we're gonna find exactly
that. Not freaked out at all.

- Let's go get my daughter her dream bra.
- Dad.

Right, right. Sorry. But
really, we can do this.

How hard can it be to
pick out one perfect bra?

Are you serious? Are there even
this many boobs in the world?

We can do this. We just gotta
dive in headfirst. Or chest-first.

Never mind. Here we go.

What? That? What is that?

A bra? This looks
like it could be you.

I guess that sort of
looks like me. Wait, no.

We're looking for a bra for new Molly.
She wouldn't wear that. I don't think.

You were supposed to
be helping me, Dad.

I thought I was, but I
don't know what I'm doing.

- Neither do I! That's the problem!
- So we're on the same page.

- Am I putting this back in the rack?
- Yes, back in the rack.

- But go grab some more. Keep looking.
- Yep, yep. I'll keep looking.

Okay, I'm going in. If you see a
good one for new Molly, toss it over.

Good luck. Excuse me...

Sorry, I'm helping a woman
who's spicing up her marriage.

Sure. Of course. I'll be...
fine. Got my bra-face on.

- Dad.
- Sorry.

Okay, everyone's working
full speed ahead out there.

This paper's on her deathbed,
but damn it, she's a fighter.

Thank God. What about you?

How's your "Super Easy Subway
Workout" article going?

Okay. I don't work out, so
I'm winging it a little.

Are jumping jacks still a
thing? What are you looking at?

Roberta?

That's Roberta McCullough,
the owner of the paper.

She never comes to the office.

Mostly because the building is a little
too small for her helicopter to land on.

So, yeah, something
is definitely up.

Why is she here?

Maybe it's nothing. Maybe
she needed to grab something.

Bitsy Brandenham?

If the next person who walks
in this office is my mother,

then I've had this
nightmare before.

Okay, moment of truth.

Time to find out if my
name is in this will.

Or if I've been cleaning,
scrubbing, waxing, lotioning,

poop-flushing for an
old lady for no reason.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, okay. The key was in my
pocket. When did I go in my pocket?

False alarm. False
alarm. False alarm.

Oh, no, no, no. I must have dropped
the key in the freakin' park!

When Bitsy realizes she doesn't have
the key, she'll think I took it.

Because I did. Why
am I talking to you?

So, I just have to go search
the whole park. Oh, crap.

All right. I feel like it's going
pretty good so far. What do you think?

Bad. Very, very bad.

Maybe this will
change your mind.

Take a look at this
bra... option. Bra-ption.

I don't know, Dad. That one
has mesh. Is that too meshy?

And this one has flowers on it,
but are they the right flowers?

- I don't know, Dad. Do you?
- I could... gander a guess.

Maybe I'm not ready
to wear a bra-bra.

I'll just wear a training
bra for the rest of my life.

You know what? We
should just go home.

What? No. We can't go home.

I came here to help you,
and I'm going to help you.

- How?
- Like this.

Help! My daughter needs
a bra. Someone help!

Hi, sir. You look like
you need some assistance.

Mostly because you're screaming.

Sorry, I'll stop screaming now.
Totally calm dad over here.

Okay. So, give me
the boob brief.

I just want...

Something that's her, but also
not her, but could be her.

Not too girlie, but sort of girlie. Kind
of sporty, but not too sporty. In blue.

This is gonna be some work,

but I'm pretty sure we have
the bra you're looking for.

- Wait, really?
- Yeah, this isn't my first bra-deo.

I gotta take Shamps to the
Shakespeare Garden next walk.

More like a Midsummer
Day's Dream, am I right?

Cole! There you are. I found
you. I mean, not found you.

It's not like I was looking for
you or anything, but here we are.

- Wanna pirate?
- You bet your booty I wanna...

Wait, hold that thought.

Two pairs of fresh, young eyes.

They can help me find
the key. Okay, Helen.

Keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Track it back, backtrack
Keep it low-key.

Ask the kid what you
did Where the dog peed.

Just keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

You, wanna help me out?
I think I lost a key.

- A key? A key.
- A key. A key.

Aquí, like in Spanish?

No, I dropped it on our walk
Which may have been your last.

'Cause if I've lost the key
Then Bitsy will replace me.

With some super
stringent New assistant.

Who won't be chill as me.

They won't let you
walk the shih tzu.

So will you help
me find the key?

Keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Keep the finder's
fee, keep it low-key.

Take the dough There
you go, okey dokey.

Just keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Keep it low-key, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Keep it low-key, keep it low-key

I know what would make this
go A little bit faster.

Hi, can you help us out?
This lady lost a key.

- A key?
- A key.

- A key.
- Aquí, like in Spanish?

Maybe could be on the ground
I know we're not allowed.

But in emergencies We
need your expertise with.

A metal detector,
don't object or.

You will break my heart.

You can trust me,
Daddy won't see.

So will you help us find a key?

- All right.
- Si!

Keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Hear a beep, make a
peep Keep it low-key.

Take it down to the
ground Hokeypokey.

Just keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

- Hi, Elwood.
- Uh-oh.

- Is that...
- No, it's not.

- What are you...
- Nothing.

Okey dokey.

Keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Hear a boop, stop and
snoop Keep it low-key.

Hear a song, hum along, karaoke.

Just keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Just keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Aquí.

Damn you, movies, for making
me think this would work.

Crap. We need to find out
what they're talking about.

I think I know what they're talking
about, but I'm too afraid to say it.

I think Bitsy's trying
to buy the paper.

Welp, you said it. God,
I hope we're wrong.

Me too. We have to
find out for sure.

- Hey, what about that vent?
- Good idea.

- Lift me, you're stronger.
- Lift me, I'm lighter.

Hang on, I should call Owen.
We're gonna be here a while.

Hi, are you here? Are you close?

We're in the back by the changing
rooms. A nice lady's helping us now.

I'm not sure, but she might
be a fairy-bra-mother.

I'm glad you're here.
There's a lot of options.

Why are there so many options?

Owen, I need to stay at
work a little longer.

Okay, okay. We'll be fine.
We'll be fine. We'll be fine.

Tell Molly I'm so sorry,
but I believe in you.

- Call me if you need me.
- I'll be fine.

I don't like it.
Not a good idea.

Marvin, don't freak out, but
there's a spider on your shoulder.

In summary...

Your paper's broke. I'm rich,
and I want to buy it. The end.

What? Bitsy's trying to buy
Paige's paper? Why, do you ask?

Remember when Paige made
Bitsy look like a dum-dum

for hiring a guy who pretended
to catch a dead fish?

Maybe I'll buy that
stupid newspaper too.

Well, today's as good a day
as any for a revenge-purchase.

Paige and Marvin need to stop that meeting
ASAP or they're gonna lose their jobs.

What would they do
then? Become dentists?

They don't know
anything about teeth.

So, should we talk about price?

I'm thinking, since your paper
stinks, maybe it's not high?

When I was ,

I had the foot size and toe
length of a -year-old.

Yes. Feet. Childhood.
Very interesting.

- Anyway, back to me buying your pa...
- My feet were huge.

And to make matters
worse, before newspapers,

my first true love
was track-and-field.

Hello?

It's Marvin. The editor in
chief of the paper you own.

- Can you come into my office?
- Why? I'm in a meeting.

Why? Because we need to talk

about work stuff.
Important work stuff.

We think Doug k*lled someone.

Because Doug k*lled
someone in the office?

No, sorry. Because...

- The building has asbestos?
- The building has asbestos.

I was aware of both
of those things.

And I'm in the middle of
something big. Goodbye.

- What?
- Dang it.

She's definitely about to sell the paper.
I wish we could just smoke her out.

- We couldn't.
- Could we? A little smoke?

Okay, fine. From
a contained fire.

The smoke alarm will go off,

their meeting is cut short and
no one sells anything to anybody.

I'll get a lighter.

So here's a stack to just get us
started, narrow our options down.

But we'll try on every damn bra
in this store if we have to.

- I love you.
- I know. Now get in there.

You look nervous, Dad. There's no nerves
in bra shopping, just grit and guts.

I'm just... I feel like Paige should be
here. She could do this better than me.

I don't know who Paige
is, and I don't care.

- You're the guy for this right now.
- I am?

Yes. Don't worry. When you see the right
bra for your daughter, you'll know.

And you'll only know if you keep
looking. Look at me. You are enough.

I'm gonna miss you
when this is all over.

That's what they all say. And
they all do. Now go get 'em.

I've been wanting to chat with you
for some time, Miss Brandenham.

How fortunate you called.

Now, before anyone sells
anything, may I tell you a story?

I feel like I can't say no, so
my answer is a reluctant yes.

It was the ' s.

I was a freshman at the Milton Dalton
Wilton Academy for Young Women.

I'm familiar with the school.

I was accepted, but Mother
thought it was too close to home.

I was running the
-yard dash very badly.

But halfway through the race I
realized that for the first time ever,

I wasn't in last place.

Only a few more steps and I would place
eighth out of nine, a personal record.

This is a really cool
story that I'm enjoying.

And then, the unthinkable.

A runner from another school
tripped me. So I finished last.

And the name of that runner
was Bitsy Brandenham.

Yes. I do remember that race.

- So, you admit it.
- No, I don't.

I should have that eighth-place
ribbon in my town house,

displayed next to the picture
of me and my exotic parrot.

But instead, you do.

I didn't trip you.

I don't even know where
that silly ribbon is.

I'm sure I threw
it out years ago.

Listen, how much do I have to
give you for this stupid paper?

Everybody wants something.
Let's make a deal, eh? Hey? Hey?

There.

No. It's just metal
on a metal bench.

Get your head in
the game, Elwood.

There!

- No. It's just a metal railing.
- Here!

- No. It's just a metal statue.
- Maybe we can move a little faster?

If we don't find this
key soon, I lose my job.

If I lose my job,
you lose your dog.

We've gotta find that key.

If I don't get to walk Shampagne,
what do I have left in life?

- Pirates.
- Nothing.

Focus, Elwood. Best
friendships are at stake.

I know this looks crazy, but Marvin
and I will be vindicated by day's end.

What's going on? What
are you doing up there?

Why are you holding a lighter?

- It's for a story about team building.
- That checks out.

Hello, Miss Brandenham.
Do you remember me?

You know, the author of
that Snakehead exposé?

No, I definitely don't. And if
I did, I wouldn't say I did.

I think you people work for me. So
listen up. I have an announcement.

- Oh, boy.
- Uh-oh.

Bitsy and I are doing a redo
of a footrace from our past.

- We're going to run around the bullpen.
- Wait, what?

If I win, she has to give
me the eighth-place ribbon

that is rightfully mine.

If she wins, I'm going to talk seriously
with her about selling the paper.

I knew it.

Okay. Time to remember
how running works.

Oh, my God. We're about to
lose our jobs over a footrace.

Miss McCullough, I love the footrace
thing, seems like a great idea.

But maybe, please don't do it?

- Nah, I'm gonna do it. Grab my leg.
- Can we get on with it?

Okay. So we go that way toward
that corner of the office,

stay close to the
windows, and no tripping.

Get ready to
lose... a newspaper.

- What did she just say?
- Just root for Roberta to win.

You, with the boyish
charm. You say go.

I guess that's me?

On your marks. Get set.

Go -Go.

Go -Go.

Uh-oh, we're down to the wire.

Go -Go.

Go -Go.

Uh-oh, we're down to the wire.

The paper's on the
line They made a wager.

All for a ribbon And
the pressure's major.

Roberta's gonna catch her.

I think we'll need a stretcher.

Too many choices And
my head is swimmin'

I never knew This was
so hard for women.

These bras are overwhelming.

What is supportive shelving?

No -No.

Go -Go.

Uh-oh, it's down to the wire.

Go, go -Go.

Go, go -Go.

Uh-oh, it's down to the wire.

Are they even moving?

Sort of? Kind of? A little bit?

Can it be? Is it calling to me?

It was hidden from view.

Girlie, sporty and blue.

Oh, my gah, I would
k*ll for this bra

I would go right to jail.

Look at that, it's on sale.

Wire.

Uh-oh, we're down to the wire.

Down to the wire,
down to the wire.

- Wire.
- Uh-oh, we're down to the wire.

Down to the wire,
down to the wire.

Great. She's on her way
back and still no key.

Okay. Nice knowing you.

I'll never see my
Shampagne again?

Shampagne, hold me for
one last time. Oh, God.

This feels emotional.
Should I go?

It's not the end of
the world... for you.

Just don't obsess over
one thing too much, okay?

It can take over your life

and then it's like there's no
other stuff in it, your life.

I'm mostly talking about myself.

Being so obsessed with this
being in the will crap.

Why am I getting into this
with an eight-year-old?

- Eleven.
- Eleven and a half.

Don't sell yourself short.

I think he's gonna go.

May I? One final hurrah?

Sure.

Okay, goodbye forever.

Bitsy, back so soon?

I don't wanna talk about it.
Fine. You asked. I lost a bet,

and now I have to give this
crazy lady one of my heirlooms.

- That's weird. Where's my key?
- Beg your pardon?

My key. My key. To the filing cabinet.
I don't have it. Did you take it, Helen?

Me? What? No. Key? No, not me.

Why are you sweating? I didn't
know your body made sweat.

It's the doorman buzzing.

We have to answer that. That's
what you're supposed to do.

Hello?

Helen, there's a boy with a bag
of dog poop down in the lobby.

He says you might want it?

Tell him, "No, thank you"?

He says there's a key in it?

Well, there it is. The missing key.
Someone owes someone an apology.

So, just curious, why did you find
my key in a pile of poop in the park?

Some sort of satanic ritual?

Well, I was in the park. And I saw
your dog, Shampagne, do his business.

That's how I know you. You're
his stalker. Still stalking, eh?

Yeah. Anyway, I
offered to help bag it.

And then I kept it for
a few hours, I guess.

Makes sense. Freak.

And then I realized there was a
key in it, so I brought it here.

Shampagne must've eaten it.

Shampagne, if you want to eat keys, I
can get you keys. Just not that one.

Helen! Get rid of the boy and
wash the poop off that key!

Well, thank you.
See you next week?

I'm gonna take your advice and not be
quite so obsessive about Shampagne.

Might take a week off and
play pirates with Enrique.

'Cause who knows? Fifteen, years from
now, we might not wanna play pirates.

Sounds, well,
dumb. But have fun.

Goodbye, old friend. You were
something my father was proud of.

Well, he was proud of me for
tripping Roberta. You get it.

Great. I'm talking to a ribbon.

Shampagne didn't eat
that key and poop it out.

Here's what actually happened.

Cole wanted to circle the park
for the key one more time.

Sometimes when you're searching
for something too hard,

you don't realize it's been right in
front of your face the whole time.

But how to give it to Helen
without making Bitsy suspicious?

Well, when life hands you a
bag of poop, you make lemonade

by mushing the key into the
bag of poop? You get it.

That was a wild ride. Speaking
of rides, to the subway!

Wow. Is bra shopping
always such a rush?

- It's his first bra.
- You did good, Dad. Real good.

I was in a zone. Maybe I
should do this for a living.

You know, I kind of wish we'd
gotten that purple one too.

- I liked the back of it.
- Funny you mention that.

You bought it?

Well, it seemed so right for you.
Effortlessly cool, like old Molly.

Now you've got two great bras.

One that's the you
I know right now,

and one that's...
whoever you decide to be.

Can't wait to hit the locker room
With my bazooms in these bras.

You're gonna get high fives
I bet My baby is a bra-star.

And I think I might be
The best dad in history.

- Okay, easy, tiger.
- Sorry, just excited.

We solved the bra-blem.

We solved the bra-blem.

Seems like you guys
solved a bra-blem

I helped my daughter find
two really great bras today.

- I'm a great dad, no big deal.
- Okay. Take it down a notch, Dad.

Okay, Helen.

Keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Track it back, backtrack
Keep it low-key.

Ask the kid what you
did Where the dog peed.

Just keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

You, wanna help me out?
I think I lost a key.

- A key?
- A key.

Keep it low-key.

No, I dropped it on our walk
Which may have been your last.

'Cause if I've lost the key
Then Bitsy will replace me.

With some super
stringent New assistant.

Who won't be chill as me.

They won't let you
walk the shih tzu.

So will you help me find the...

Keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key.

Keep the finder's
fee, keep it low-key.

Take the dough There
you go, okey dokey.

Just keep it, keep it
low-key Keep it low-key