02x07 - A Decent Proposal

[bunniefuu]

What a beautiful afternoon.

The sun is shining,
the birds are chirping,

the grass is being grass.

Too bad Molly can't enjoy it.

Let me explain. It's Brendan-related.

Every year, he and his parents
go to his Aunt Bitsy's birthday party,

and every year,
Brendan hates it because it's horrible.

But this year, his parents can't go
because they're on a France pants run.

They fly to France to buy pants.

So they're making Brendan go by himself.

Molly, being his sort of girlfriend,
offered to be his date.

And now she has to go to a party
full of scary rich people.

So she's super nervous.

What do the rich like to wear?

How do they do up their hair?

If they buy all their pants in France

Where do they fly for their shirts?

I wish I could wear overalls

But they wear tiaras and shawls

If I do they would stare
And I shouldn't care

But that's impossible

Well, then I won't go
I'll just stay at home

I won't give them the chance

But won't that be rude?
And he is so cute

I hope we get to dance

If clothes don't matter
And I shouldn't care

Then why do all superheroes wear
Such kick-ass costumes

As they fly off to save the day?

If clothes don't matter
And I shouldn't care

Then why do all superheroes wear
Such kick-ass costumes

As they fly away to save the day?

I'll put on this dress
Hope for the best

And not care what they say

Hey, Molly. That's a pretty dress.

You like it? I mean... This old thing?

Yeah, I literally just threw it on.

Head through the head hole,

arm through the armholes,
you know how it is.

I'm so happy your parents were cool
with you coming.

I thought they hated my Aunt Bitsy
for, you know,

trying to buy the park
and ruin their lives.

Them? Nah.

But only if you put a hair
in the crab dip.

Do rich people eat crab dip?

But be careful around Bitsy.

She probably has a secret
rich person dungeon

for the children of Central Park managers.

That's not true, is it?

Molly, I don't know.

Maybe this'll be a good opportunity

to quietly crop dust her
without her knowing.

You know,
that's not the worst idea I've ever heard.

Yeah, they were super cool about it.
Very mature.

- Speak of the cool devil.
- Hey, Brendan, looking sharp.

Thank you, Mr. Tillerman.
I wore my special occasion socks.

Very festive.

We weren't eavesdropping
on Molly and Brendan,

- if that's what you're wondering.
- Morning wine?

Father, is there something
you'd like to discuss with the family?

I found it floating in the turtle pond
already empty,

and now I'm gonna recycle it.

Dad. You know I always love hearing
about the stuff you're gonna recycle,

- but we gotta go.
- You two have fun.

Wait, I think there's something in there.

Cole, use your little eyes.

It looks like a note? Wait, what?

Come on. Come to mama. Easy.

Yes! In your face, bottle!

Wow, that's a big old rock.

Do all wine bottles
come with a prize at the bottom?

"Laura, ever since our first date

when we agreed it was ridiculous that
Cast Away didn't win best picture,

I've known that there is no one

I'd rather be cast away
on a desert island with than you."

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

"Will you be my Wilson?" That's so sweet.

It's an engagement ring!
I ruined a proposal.

Yeah, he did.

All that trouble just because
of an empty booze bottle.

Speaking of empty booze bottles,
I wonder how Bitsy's party's going.

Go to her patio garden. Go!

Wow, this is just like
my tenth birthday party.

Except instead of all of this,
there was none of this.

It's over the top,
but I'm glad you're here with me.

I like to play "guess what people's
names are" at these things.

He looks like a Buckley VanEmerald.

Brendan, sorry.
That's actually Josiah Moneycheeks III.

Okay, you win that round.

And the winner gets a snack.
Can I get you some crudité?

I don't wanna be rude-ité,
but what's that?

- That's just rich for carrot sticks.
- Then yes. Thank you.

Brendan, what do you think about
Rigby Barnes Preparatory Academy?

I thought you went
to the Hickory Oak Pine school?

Rigby Barnes Prep
is where I went to preschool.

Cool. Of course. Very cool.

Rigby Barnes is a feeder to Princeton.
Where did you go?

Young Ponies Learning Co-Op.

They also sold coffee and birdseed.

Good for you.

And then I said,
"Is it really insider trading

if you're just telling
one of your closest friends?"

Wow, Beatrice, such a good story.

I must go, but do go on for the others.

You blathering blowfish.

Look at this group
of pathetic trifling try-hards.

Why are they even here?
Oh, right. It's my birthday party.

Next year I'm not inviting myself.

What kind of birthday is it

When they only came to visit

Just to secure lucrative forms
Of business

On my day

On my day.

How did my birthday
Become the worst of days?

Here we go.

I've never felt at home
In high society

You could always leave.

I scrapped, I fought up to the top
While they just coasted through

How did my birthday
Become the worst of days?

All they wanna talk about
Is rooftop gardens

Their second homes
And presidential pardons

Who last sunned in Santorini
With a blue view

How their tax-deferred
Private equity grew

- Jack got into Princeton!
- Have you tried white asparagus?

The judge is a friend
so he threw out the evidence.

This privilege
It's drivel, an embarrassment

Nannies were the closest any of them
Ever came to being parented

It's her birthday
And it's become the worst of days

I'm already counting down

Today she feels the fakeness
Of society

Wanna barf on all these clowns

We only value
What is in our bank accounts

Now we're asking how did her birthday
Become the worst of days?

Shush. It's my song. I'm airing out.

If I d*ed, none of them would miss me

To them
I'm just silly, old rich Bitsy

Hold their noses up with their pinkies

Prawns and caviar
Staring at my Renoir

We came here to schmooze and glad-hand

-Compare ventures
-Compliment backhand

Seem friendly, then scoff and gossip

That's how you live
When you're rich and accomplished

What kind of birthday is it?

-Sing my pain, Helen
-When they only came to visit

They only came for one thing

Just to secure lucrative forms
Of business

On my worst day
Hey, hey, hey

He needs to go to the bathroom.

Great call, genius.
Then take him on his walk.

And maybe try to tire him out extra good,

so he'll sleep on my lap
for the rest of the party.

It'll spare me some mingling
with all these stale parsnips.

"I'm so sorry. I can't get up,
my dog is asleep."

- Now, leave. Go. Hurry. Faster.
- So sad to leave the party.

Go already.
Your face is ruining my birthday.

Your birthday is ruining my face.

- What's that?
- I was just saying goodbye.

Okay, so no one's frantically looking
for a lost bottle.

Hi. Did you lose
this empty bottle of wine?

I think you're looking for a trash can
and not a person?

What was the strategy there?

Well, I can't exactly walk right up
and mention the proposal,

or I might blow the secret.

Hey, there. Are you two in love?

There's gotta be a better way
that's not this.

I guess we could go
to the park police station

and see if anyone's filed a report.

Hey, look. It's Shampagne and Helen.
Can I go play with my bark buddy?

Yes, go be free.
No need for you to be a part of my mess.

Thank you. I'll ask Helen
if she's expecting a proposal.

Let's go to the police station
and turn you in.

Not in a joking mood?
Not in a joking mood.

- Hi, Officer Derrick.
- Owen, my man.

What brings you in here today?

I wanted to report a lost wine bottle
with a really big engagement ring in it.

Wait, Owen. No. Don't tell me
you're the one who ruined the proposal?

- I am, and I feel terrible.
- Why would you do something like that?

I said I feel terrible.

Twenty-one years on the force just doesn't
prepare you for this kind of stuff.

Anyway, yeah, he's extremely distraught.

Okay, we should go talk to him.

Hey, hi. I'm Owen. The proposal ruiner?

Hi, I'm Taylor. And you didn't ruin
the proposal, much.

It's fine. Just supposed to be the most
magical day of my life. No biggie.

I'm really sorry. Here's the bottle.

We put the ring back in it out of respect.

It's okay. I thought the bottle sank,
so I swam all around the pond,

and when I didn't find anything
I thought maybe it's a sign.

No, it's not a sign!

Me cleaning up trash isn't a sign.
I mean, not trash.

Hi, hey. I'm sorry, I'm Paige.

- The proposal ruiner's wife.
- Paige?

I just can't help but wonder
why you left an expensive ring

floating in a bottle that would look,
to most people, like trash.

We love the movie Cast Away.

You know there's not actually a message
in a bottle in Cast Away, right?

In our fan fiction, there is.

- I'm glad you two found each other.
- We have to make this right.

What's your girlfriend's name?
Where is she right now?

Her name's Laura. Her sister is taking her
shopping while I figure out what to do.

I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

You're gonna give her the best engagement
in history, and I'm gonna help you.

- You are?
- You are?

I am.

We're gonna take this bad first proposal
and we're gonna cast it away.

- Like the movie Cast Away?
- Exactly, Paige.

So, are you in, Taylor?

I guess?

Great. I'm not gonna mess up
another proposal, damn it.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

How many proposals have you messed up?

Ten? Twenty? Hundreds?

One. One other proposal.

He's talking about his proposal to me.
He thinks it was bad.

I think we all deserve to hear about
how you ruined your own proposal.

Nope, not necessary. Come on, let's go.

Okay, I'm getting a little nervous
about this.

And we're moving, and we're brainstorming.

I want to install a lazy river
around my property,

but the neighborhood committee
won't allow it.

They're so selfish.

They did the same thing to me

when I tried to put a rock wall
on my sport court.

Hey, this is such a good conversation
that I relate to so much,

but I think I'm gonna go get
some fresh air.

Okay. We are outside right now.

I know, right?

Also, I wanted to see
if I could see a monocle in real life.

You've probably seen millions,
you'd be bored.

Okay. I guess I'm gonna go say hi
to our family friend, Mr. Bankbags, then.

Did you just make that up?

No, that's actually real.

- Oh, God. Cool.
- I'll come find you.

Summer house.

- The Queen is a friend.
- In-home planetarium.

- Private blimp.
- The ninth start-up is the charm.

We're taking a tortellini tour of Tuscany.

I've seen what the rich like to wear

And how they all do up their hair

Why is it called crudité

When it's just a vegetable tray?

They've all got a yacht
But a yacht I don't got

Not even a dinghy to name

Who is Dow Jones? I'll leave it alone

And quietly walk away

A fish out of water
It's hard to believe

We speak the same language
So differently

But lucky for me
I brought along friends

My paper and my pen

A fish out of water
It's hard to believe

We speak the same language
So differently

But lucky for me
I brought along friends

My paper and my pen

- Hello.
- Oh, no. Oh, God.

- Okay. Chill out.
- Please don't put me in your dungeon.

What? My dungeon? That's ridiculous.

It's full of shoes I don't wear anymore
and all of my old laser discs.

You're small.
We could probably squeeze you in.

Thanks, Shampagne.

I don't remember a time
before I met you either.

What is it, bud?

Really? He's your type? Okay.

Hey there, mister so-and-so

You're just what I've been dreaming of

Stay there, promise you won't go

What we've got here
Is more than puppy love

Sit, stay

Sit and stay with me

I don't see what that dog has to offer
that I don't.

But fine, let's go say hi.

Looks like our dogs
are very into each other.

Or at least into each other's butts.

I'm supposed to tire him out,
so do you want to let them play?

Play? With that little cotton ball?

Kingston is a Great Dane, and Great Danes
need equally great workout partners.

Wow. Talk about a big dog snob.

Why don't you go find a small dog
to run around in small circles with?

I'll have you know
Shampagne's circles may be small,

but they are perfectly round.

Taylor, I know every romantic
proposal spot in this park.

So get ready to be wowed.

Think butterfly garden at magic hour,

with a heart-shaped shadow
shining through the trees as the sun sets.

How many balloons do you want? Fifty, ?

- I think zero would be fine.
- Okay, so no balloons.

Okay, roses instead.
Got it. I hear you loud and clear.

That's not what he said.

Came as fast as I could, and I was
in the middle of a very thorough waxing.

What's the Saturday emergency, boss?

I accidentally ruined Taylor's
marriage proposal

and I need you to help me fix it.

Is one of them dying?
Is that the emergency part?

Owen, it's not nice to ruin
someone's proposal,

unless you're in love
with the other person.

Are you in love with the other person?

No, and it wasn't on purpose.

I would never do something
that horrible on purpose.

Owen, sweetie, are you sure
this isn't just about our proposal?

Wait. Why are we talking
about your proposal now?

He thinks he botched our proposal.

It's a whole redeeming-himself thing
even though his proposal was fine.

You never told me your proposal story.

I thought we said we'd never
keep secrets from each other.

We never said that.

Dude. My wax has now hardened
in places you can't imagine.

- You owe me.
- It really wasn't that bad.

It was bad. It was very, very bad.

Okay, now you have to tell us, or I quit.

Fine.

It was a cold and snowy night
In winter

I took her to our favorite place
For dinner

It was the perfect setting

Didn't mind the sweating
Coming from your hand

Après vous.

He chose a nice champagne to taste

I dropped it

The cork flew up into his face

I popped it
Got quite the shiner

-You were fine
-Though all the wine

-Went right into her salad
-Into my salad

-To this day, he's still ashamed
-To this day, I'm still ashamed

Of how it happened
But it happened

And that's not
All that happened that night

We walked to where we met
For reminiscing

His face was green
But still we started kissing

I pulled away to blurt my feelings out

-A burp gave way from all the dairy
-It happens, honey.

Then when I went to kneel
It was unpleasant

A passing dog
Had left behind a present

Now looking back I'm smitten
Seeing your commitment

But it all went wrong

-Up till now I wonder how
-Up till now he wonders how

-I let it happen but it happened
-He let it happen but it happened

And that's not all
That happened that night

Don't you know
That I fumbled that ring

Watched it disappearing
Through the grate

Oh, great.

With poop on my knee
I flagged the NYPD and we

Shivered through a three-hour wait

Here you go.

Thanks.

The ring was handed back
And it was drippy

The muck stuck to my hand
'Cause it was nippy

And somehow all the while
I couldn't help but smile

Because I knew he'd say

Paige, will you marry me?

Yes! Maybe don't. The sewer.

-To this day I'm sad to say
-To this day I'm glad to say

That's how it happened

Yes, it happened
Just like everything after that night

There's no way I can repay you
For what happened

'Cause it happened
And it's history we cannot rewrite

That's how it happened

To happen that night

Sweetie, it's like you answered
all the questions wrong

and still got an A.

It's like the teacher felt bad for me.

Okay. So, yeah, maybe I am trying
to make up for messing up our proposal.

But that doesn't mean we can't help Taylor

have the great proposal story
we never had.

- Wait. Who's Taylor?
- I'm Taylor. Hi.

Oh, right. Wow.

What's it feel like to almost get engaged?

Do I know you from somewhere?

What? Nope. No way.

I know, like, nobody. Two people, tops.

Well, you look familiar,
but I guess that makes sense.

You're at my birthday party.
I don't know all these boobs out there.

Boob, boob, boob, boob,
boob with huge boobs.

Yep. I'm just another boob.

- Well, boob, show me what you're drawing.
- Wait, don't.

- Is this him?
- I mean, no, of course not.

- That's… homework.
- Bronson Barrington Winchester.

Inherited an oil refinery
when he was only seven,

and covered up his first
devastating oil spill at eight.

Look at that old droopy puss.
That's really horrifying.

Yep, I'm sorry.
I should've never drawn it.

What? No, I mean the person,
not the drawing.

You really captured
his beady little crab eyes.

Thank you?

Nah. This is much more fun
than being out there.

- What is happening?
- Should I go swipe us a couple of drinks?

This one's empty 'cause I drank it all.

- I'm good, and I'm .
- Nerd.

Well, I've got a stash in here anyway.
Where is it?

I could only find a bottle of gin,

some vermouth, shaker,
glass, jar of olives.

It's not much, but it'll do.

You don't need ice?

No. What is this, a rave?

I know, buddy, I know.
Hey, there's other fish in the dog park.

Hey, I need to get going.
Can we turn him around?

Why does he look like Bitsy does
when we're out of bourbon?

Helen, that gorgeous specimen
is his true love.

But his true love's owner is turning this
into a real Titanic situation.

And I don't mean the boat,
I mean the lovers separated by tragedy!

As sympathetic as I am for a dog

who's already had
a richer love life than I have,

I gotta get him back on time
or Bitsy will make me eat a whole lemon,

and I'm not in the mood for that today.

Helen, please. We have to figure out
a way to let them be together.

Group howl.

Okay. Let him go. See what happens.

Thank you.

Shampagne,
you follow your little doggy heart.

-Look at us running down the beach
-Hey!

Hey, get back here!

Paw in paw with the Greatest Dane
I ever knew

Sit, stay with me

Sparkling water, dappled light, a gazebo.

Tell me, what on earth could possibly be
more romantic than a gazebo?

France, a waterfall,
a waterfall in France.

Those are good answers.
I was gonna say noodles.

The answer is nothing.
Nothing is more romantic than a gazebo.

It's time. Hands in the middle.

Perfect proposal on three.
One, two, three.

Perfect proposal!

Taylor, call Laura. It's love time.

Well, I'll try,
but her phone's always on silent

so I usually just text and wait.

Taylor, text Laura and wait.
It's love time.

Peacock hat. It's an improvement.

Okay. Who's up next?

Arlene.

She won't shut up about
how she sails with Piers Morgan.

Draw her, and make sure
you do her giant calf implants

that are so obviously implants.

- What's this?
- Nothing.

- What are you hiding back there?
- Nothing. Just my butt.

- Show me your hands.
- They're just regular hands.

Show me or I'll have you escorted
off the balcony.

Make of that what you will.

"I'll get you and your little park too."

I just realized who you are.

Hi.

You made my mole too small.
It's way bigger than that.

Well, Molly may be in the doghouse,
but these two certainly aren't.

So happy Shampagne got to frolic
with his fur-ever friend.

What a Great Dane to be alive.

That was so nice of you to let them play.

Looks like someone has a big,
old smushy heart after all.

No. It's just that Shampagne's poops
get really loose when he's sad.

Well, get ready for firm poops
and cute air kicks while he dreams.

What a day!

I better get this dog back
before he gets too used to being happy.

Owen, I've got eyes on Laura.

I think. Pretty redhead
without an engagement ring?

- That's her.
- She's headed your way.

Copy that. Okay, Taylor.
Laura's almost there. How you feeling?

Not great, honestly.

I'm a little worried
this proposal isn't "us."

It's so "us," Taylor.

Owen, honey, I think
you might be taking this too far.

It doesn't seem like Taylor is into it.

And honestly, if you're doing this for me,
to make up for the past, I don't...

Nope, nope. We're in too deep now.
We can't botch this.

- How we looking with the sign, Fran?
- If she can read, then we're good.

And, Elwood, when she says yes…

I release the doves.

- Guys, I don't know if...
- It's gonna be great.

There's nothing more romantic than doves.

I thought you said the most romantic thing
was gazebos.

She's not really into birds.
So, please, no doves.

Copy. Releasing the doves.

Elwood, not yet.
Too soon, Elwood. Too soon.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'll fix it.

Here, pidgie-pidgie.

Are you sure we can't throw in
a volleyball with a face drawn on it?

Doesn't really work
with the whole thing, Taylor buddy.

I'm freaking out. And my pits smell.

Owen, listen to the poor man.

This is supposed to be one of the happiest
days of his life, and he's miserable.

I know you're trying to help,
but you've gotta shut this down.

Look at him. Is he dying?

Oh, no. I've ruined another proposal.

Not yet. There's still time to stop it.

Mayday! Mayday! Call it off.

Do not take your sh*t.
I repeat, do not take your sh*t.

Oh, thank goodness.

Elwood, bring Taylor a volleyball
and a red marker, stat.

On it.

I think you're doing the right thing,
Owen.

Yep. I know.

I'm sorry about all this.

It's just, I've always thought

there was nothing more beautiful
than a romantic proposal.

Where every detail is thought out
and perfectly ex*cuted,

and you carry it with you
for the rest of your life.

Honey, honestly, I've told you,
I never needed that.

I...

Wait. You're not talking about me.

This is about you.
You wanted a perfect proposal.

No. I don't know. Maybe.
Yes. Very much. A lot.

Wow. This whole time,
I was seeing it as the proposee,

but I should have seen it as the proposer.

I didn't care, but now that I know
you care, it makes me care.

I did it. I did it!

She said yes. Thank you. Wilson!

Wilson!

Look at them.
Those beautiful Cast Away freaks.

Congratulations!

- Wilson!
- Wilson!

- I'm so sorry. I never should have...
- I get it.

- Wait, you do?
- I actually kind of like it.

- You do?
- That Brenton boy bring you here?

- Is that what happened?
- Brendan.

He's lucky to have managed
to trick you into going with him.

- He's lucky?
- Yes, you've got a bit of talent.

And you seem pretty put together.

To be honest, I was kind of
a nervous wreck about coming here.

It took me, like, a day
to even figure out what to wear.

You did fine.
I like your poor person dress.

Hey, can I do a new drawing of you?

I mean, no. I was going to leave now.

Well, too late. I already did it.

I might keep this.

In my guest bathroom,
which we're tearing down soon.

- Can I maybe have the other drawing back?
- I'm keeping that one too.

- So I can sue you for defamation.
- What?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Probably.

Molly! There you are.

Hello, Bren-something.

I'm sorry this party sucks.
We can go if you want.

Whatever you wanna do. I'm fine here.

Happy 'cause, you know, I'm with you.

Okay.
So maybe we'll stay for a little bit.

Yeah. You can help me find that monocle.

I can do better.
I'll show you a baby with a monocle.

Holy crap. Yes, please.

Owen, can you come lift
this really heavy thing for me?

Muscle guy's on his way. What?

- Hush that pretty mouth, Father.
- Come with us.

Also, you have floss on your shirt.

- Paige.
- Owen, when we got engaged,

it represented the promise
of what our life could be.

But now our life is more beautiful
than I ever could have imagined.

Our home, these gorgeous, amazing kids.

Your fantastic gums.
God, you're a great flosser.

Our life is perfect, and I wouldn't
have it any other way.

So, Owen Tillerman...

Owen, will you marry me?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
- A twist tie?

It's the best she could do
on short notice.

I can't believe
You just got down on one knee

You really did this whole proposal
For me

I love you so much, had to show you

Make a better memory to remember

I can't wait to go to work
And tell this story

Tell the story

The old story's much better, I say

Totally agree

You're my dream, I am so lucky

No, I'm lucky

'Cause it happened

And it's history we got to rewrite

That's how it happened

To happen tonight

So, when's the wedding?

I don't think we need that.

Yeah, this proposal was all I needed.

Okay,
so just the wedding cake then, right?

What we've got here
Is more than puppy love

Sit, stay

Sit and stay with me

Look at us running down the beach

Sit, stay

Sit, stay

Sit and stay with me