03x02 - Cillian Me Softly Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

DIONDRA: Lone Moose.

It was the site of
The Great Avalanche of ,

the flammable top hat crisis of ,

the deadly ice storm of ,

and of course, the catastrophic

Bolognese factory expl*si*n of .

This history of disasters
is why, every two years,

Lone Moose citizens
hold a city-wide

Disaster Day
training simulation.

What will this year's
disaster hold?

We'll find out
when the Disaster Day siren

goes off sometime this week.

[alert beeping]

And now, a different story.

A hundred-year-old man
who found a $ bill.

I can't believe it.

I'm so excited for Disaster Day.

I pregamed by watching two hours

of volcano explosions on YouTube.

And I even took a nervous
"disast-turd" this morning.

I love that anyone in town can
submit an idea for the disaster.

In Fresno, we just got to submit
almond flavor ideas.

No one ever wanted
jalapeño cotton candy.

They were fools,
my Flavoring Francesca.

So, now, we just have to wait
for the signal

that the disaster's starting?

Yup. We all got our letters
this week letting us know

what parts we've been assigned
in the Disaster Day role-play.

Not to play the victim,
but this year,

I will be playing a victim.

Ham and I are victims
pretty much every year,

and somehow we always survive.

Well, for the first time,
I'm on team disaster,

causing chaos all over town,

- like Phoebe on Friends.
- Oh, you're gonna love it.

I was a beaver
during the beaver invasion.

Not to brag,
but I gave Londra rabies.

I got hospital volunteer.
I get to work with real doctors

and live out
my TV medical drama fantasy.

I'm on a... Dr. Callahan's team.

I know him. He's from Ireland,

so whenever he checks
my reflexes, he says,

"Kick me, I'm Irish."

And then I do.
I kick him really hard.

He sounds like dreamy
Dr. O'Shaughnessy

on Break a Leg.
You know that show

about the doctor
who's also an actor?

Getting new headshots
and helping people

who got sh*t in the head.

Well, I'm pretty jimmy-jazzed to
be a first responder this time.

Scooping up victims
all over town,

like The Rock
in that movie San Andreas.

Oh, he humiliated
that dumb-ass earthquake.

Speaking of movies, I submitted
my idea for the disaster,

Jurassic Park
dinosaur att*ck, again.

Well, I think
it's a wonderful idea, Moon.

It's a little unlikely for a disaster,

but the more unexpected,
the better.

I mean, that's the whole point
of Disaster Day.

It's to teach us
how to get through something

we never saw coming.

Which is why they should
consider my idea

where everyone's hands
turn to chips,

and then everyone eats
their hands, and then

everyone's like, "Oh, no,
I don't have hands anymore!"

Wolf, babe, pacing
and staring out the window

isn't gonna make Disaster Day
happen any sooner.

- Even if I have the vest on?
- Even if you have the vest on.

- Help me with my crossword?
- Sure.

"Trades on the
New York Stock Exchange

under T-P-N-P-L. letters."

Twizzlers Pull 'n' Peel
Licorice.

Of course.
Look, babe, I get it.

I can't wait
to get to that hospital

and start yelling things
like, "Stat," and,

"Don't you die on me,"
while running around

with that Irish doctor.
Hmm. Oh, man.

I'm blanking on this one.
Seven letters across.

"Batman Begins villain,
actor 'blank' Murphy."

Oh, that would be one of my
favorite actors of all time,

- "Sillian" Murphy.
- Right. Wait, what'd you say?

"Sillian" Murphy.
The Scarecrow.

Honey. [laughs] It's "Killian."
Cillian Murphy.

No, it's definitely "Sillian" Murphy.

Wolf, my love, tell me
you haven't been pronouncing

this name "Sillian" all this
time, and in open company.

Love Peaky Blinders
with "Sillian" Murphy.

Hey, whoa, your eyes look
just like "Sillian" Murphy's.

Wow, another project this year?

Oh, that "Sillian" Murphy
stays working.

"Sillian" Murphy.
"Sillian" Murphy.

♪ "Sillian" Murphy. ♪

[echoing] "Sillian" Murphy.

I have been saying that
in open company

because that's how you say it!

No, that's how you say it.
It's "Killian."

Hon, you have a history of not
knowing how to pronounce names.

You thought the guy
who wrote Game of Thrones

- was George "Arrgh" Martin.
- There are two Rs there.

How else would you
possibly say that?

You thought Hugh Grant
was "Hug" Grant.

Honeybee, you know I know
how to say Hugh Grant.

I was just drunk
and thinking about

hugging him when I said that.

Okay, Wolf, now you're
just being stubborn.

I am not being "stub-born."

You know what? I'm trying to help
you, but you refuse to listen,

so I'm gonna go
to the main house

and finish this crossword
in a bubble bath.

Wait, a-are we having
our first fight?

- I guess we are.
- Well, y-y-you can't leave then.

I mean, aren't we supposed
to do the "I'm sorry" snuggles

- and the makeup make-out?
- The only thing I want

to make out with right now
is the tub in the main house.

Got myself some leftover chowder

I'm gonna heat up, too.
Do a soup and a soak.

Maybe I'll pretend
I'm one of the clams.

Okay, fine! I'm also
gonna go do... [stammers]

something alone.

Go take a-a snow machine
ride and listen to some

Santana featuring Rob
Thomas in my headphones.

Well, a whole fun Saturday
ahead of us.

Limitless possibilities.

Who's up for cleaning the leaves
out of the gutters?

- Ooh!
- Oh!

- [alert beeping]
- [all gasp]

Yes. That's the
Disaster Day alarm.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
- This is it.

MAYOR PEPPERS:
Attention all residents of Lone Moose.

[over PA] This is an emergency message
from Mayor Peppers.

Lone Moose is now under

a Jurassic Park-style
dinosaur att*ck.

[chuckles] Dinosaurs.
Clever mayor.

Oh, my God, they picked mine.
They picked mine.

I get to go spend the whole day
with the mayor.

I'm the king. I am the king!

MAYOR PEPPERS: Pterodactyls have att*cked
the Lone Moose cell phone towers,

and communications between
citizens have been disabled.

Yes. No cell phones today.

There's nothing you can't say
with flares or shouting.

All right.
Let's make some dinos sore.

[alert beeping]

Is that the Disaster Day alarm?
It's happening!

Oh, no. This is the worst time
for this to start.

Me and Honeybee
are still in a fight.

All right, relax, Wolf.
I'll just go home,

apologize to Honeybee for being

a ding-dang weirdo
about "Sillian" Murphy,

and then it's off to saving lives.

Honeybee, I'm really sorry. I...
Honeybee?

Babe? You still in the tub?
Honeybee? Anyone?

Oh, no, I'm too late.
Laura Dern-it.

CHEESECAKE: Hey, pal.

Check out this sweet van
they gave us

- to go fake save people.
- [sighs] Honeybee...

You trying to speak to Honeybee
telepathically again?

No. The last time I tried

telepathy, the dishwasher
turned on somehow,

and I realized my power was not
something to be toyed with.

MAYOR PEPPERS:
We're very excited

to have you here today, Moon.
Such a fun disaster idea.

Thank you. Should we do
a weapons check first,

or set up electrified
perimeter fences...

- Actually...
- w*r Room? Hell yeah.

Here we go. Are there
grenades in here or...

- Oh.
- Moon, the most important

defense against a disaster
is information.

Answering the phones,
filling out paperwork,

stapling that paperwork.

So... we're just gonna do
office stuff?

You bet we are. During
the huge earthquake of ' ,

it was the people manning
the phones and radios

who coordinated
all of the rescues.

We'll be getting updates
on this cool fax machine

as our rescue workers
bring in victims.

Your job is to take each report
and staple the pages,

then stamp them with this,
your very own dino-stamp.

It just says "reviewed."

- Damn right it does.
- [sighs]

Where's the stamp
that says "This sucks"?

ADMIN: Here's your assignment.
Welcome back

- to Earth, dinosaur.
- Oh, no.

Beef, hey.
Looks like we're gonna be DFFs,

Dilophosaurus friends
for today.

And we are on bikes.

We get to squirt folks
with our deadly venom

and send them to the morgue tent

to play board games
and eat cheese,

- just like in Heaven.
- And we have bikes.

Yeah. You can ride
a bike, right?

[laughs] What? Of course
I know how to ride a bike.

It's just that I'm so good at it that

everyone here would
probably stop and applaud,

and I don't want to distract them.

- They have jobs to do.
- [chuckles] Okay, Beef.

We'll just ease into this
dinosaur-bike lifestyle.

CHEESECAKE: All right, you
go find the victims, and

I'll grab six or seven
bottles of wine.

Cheesecake, no, you're driving.

Two or three bottles
of wine. [screams]

Oh, sorry. I know it's fake,
but in the back of my mind,

I'm thinking, what if during
the fake dinosaur att*ck,

we were really att*cked
by dinosaurs?

That would be amazing planning
on the dinosaurs' part.

Just a heads-up that
both of my legs have been eaten,

so you guys
will have to carry me.

Uh, okay, well, everybody,
Cheesecake and I are here

to get you safely to
Hospital Tent One,

but, reminder, dinosaurs
could be anywhere.

We'll need to stick together
at all costs to avoid them,

so we don't lose anyone
on the way.

That means, even if one of you
has an argument

with someone in the group,
we stick together,

and we work it out
because there's nothing worse

than losing someone you love
just because the two of you

couldn't resolve a stupid fight.

Hey, uh, Wolf,
are you oka... [gasps]

- What was that?
- Shh.

There might be
a dinosaur in here.

Everyone, let's move quietly
toward the door.

It's nice to be
all together like this.

Should we take
a quick group picture?

Run!

- Run, run, run, run, run.
- [panting]

Hey, cuties. Coming to eat you.

- [screaming]
- Put me in, put me in.

- [roaring]
- [screams] HAM: Not now, Londra.

- JUDY: Drive, drive, drive, drive, drive.
- Aw, you got away.

Okay, bye. See you later.
Love you. Have a great day.

[Wolf sighs]

Hey, Wolf, something
going on with you, bud?

You've just been staring out the
window and sighing longingly.

And you sang "Everybody Hurts"
all the way through twice.

It was beautiful, but...
feels like something's up.

You guys, I know
it's Disaster Day,

but the real disaster
is my marriage.

Honeybee and I got in our first
fight, and I'm freaking out.

- Couples fight all the time, Wolf.
- But not us, not before today.

So, I have no idea
if we will make up.

All I want to do is go
to Hospital Tent Three

as soon as possible
and find Honeybee,

so I can apologize
before she leaves me.

Wolf, she's not
going to leave you.

Okay, but if she does, I can set
you up with my friend Janine.

She's awful, but she'll
definitely go out with you.

Oh, man, right now, Honeybee
is at Hospital Tent Three

with some hot, Irish doctor
who reminds her

of another hot, Irish doctor
from a TV show.

[Irish accent]
I'm o'finished, laddies.

Wolf, you just had one fight.
Honeybee loves you.

Oh, yeah, you're a catch.

You're smart, you're nice,
and you once farted

what sounded clearly
like the word "luxury."

Plus, you have a sandwich at
The Hoagie Pony named after you.

[normal voice]
Yup, the Wet Wolf,

mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard,
Swiss and bread.

There's nothing like it.

But I don't think a wet sanny
is gonna win me my baby back.

- [tire pops]
- [all scream]

Sweet Sue and Cindy!
We blew a tire.

Here's how today will work.

When someone with a dino bite
comes in, we triage them.

Should we charge up
the paddles, Doctor?

- No.
- Stat.

Why did you just say "stat"?

For fun. Trying to lighten
my own mood.

Had a little fight
with my husband this morning.

It was our first one. I should've
stayed and worked it out,

but I left in a huff,
and I regret it.

You know how it is, Doc.

You always have
a storyline at the hospital

and a storyline at home.

No, I don't know
what you're talking about,

- but here come our victims.
- [siren wails]

Wow, they really went all out this
year. I can see Debra's brains.

Oh, wait, that's just her haircut.
Nice haircut, Debra.

[sighs]

Welp, here we go.

Huh. Not bad.

This stapler's got
a little kick to it,

and this chair's got some speed.

Well, I don't have a
flamethrower or some sort of

extreme Jeep that a child
definitely shouldn't be driving,

but looks like we're faxing
these bastards to hell.

Welp, there's no spare.

Looks like we're gonna
have to get there on foot.

Actually, Wolf, we don't want
to go to Hospital Tent One

'cause we've decided to get you
to Hospital Tent Three

to apologize to Honeybee.

- Really? You all want to help me?
- [all agreeing]

But Hospital Tent Three
is pretty far away,

and if any of us
get bitten by a dinosaur,

we're out for the day.
No, no, I can't let you do that.

It's what we've all learned
from action movies.

A bunch of us
are gonna have to die

so that the lead guy
can say sorry to his wife.

All right, everybody, keep Wolf
in the middle of the pack.

He needs to make it to Honeybee,

even if the rest of us do end up
saying our final bazingas

and experience a human version
of the Big Bang.

Hey, does anyone hear, like,
a weird, flapping sound?

- [flapping]
- Mm, I had flapjacks this morning.

It could be them
passing through me.

[screams] Pterodactyl bite!

JUDY: Everybody run!

- [others panting]
- Oh, I die now.

Miss you. Keep in touch.

Absolutely. I'm on Myspace.

Guys, don't let any of
the pterodactyls touch Wolf.

No! [grunts]

- Santiago!
- He's gone, Wolf.

It is an honor
to die for you, Wolf.

Papa, is that you?

It's me. Your little Go-go.

- [panting]
- That way, into the woods.

Ah, this is nice, isn't it?

It is, but what if we actually
ride these bikes?

I... I...

- Can't ride a bike?
- Correct.

Did the way I wasn't riding it
at all give me away?

Kind of.
I'll admit, I'm surprised.

You know how to do everything.

When I was a kid, my parents
were a bit... what's the word?...

completely absent,

and because of that, I missed
out on a few normal things,

like learning to ride a bike.

I also ate with a bib
until I turned .

How about I teach you
how to ride a bike?

And in exchange,
you can teach me something

I don't know how to do.

I've always wanted to teach
someone how to make a band saw

- from recycled parts.
- Mm, we'll think of something.

Now, the first thing
you want to do

is just get one foot on a pedal.

And the second thing
is just fall over.

You're doing great.

Whoa, you're getting a lot

done in here.
You want to take a break?

Tell me about your
favorite dinosaur?

It's Allosaurus.
Carnivorous theropod,

strong muscular tail,
a predator's predator.

But with all due respect, sir,

the only dinosaur
I care about right now

- is this antiquated filing system.
- I'll let you get back to it then.

- Uh, you can leave that soda, too.
- One was for me.

Got to keep my strength
for all this office fighting,

- so I'll need them both, sir.
- Okay.

Oh, and be a lamb and grab me
all the packages of gummy worms

- from the vending machine.
- All right.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Once upon a time,
I was into traps ♪

♪ Now my itchy fingers
just got to fax ♪

♪ I thought nature
was where my heart is ♪

♪ But that was
before I changed ♪

♪ A printer cartridge ♪

♪ Oh, paperwork makes
the world go round ♪

♪ I'm the one with the stapler,
you better bow down ♪

♪ I thought it was the outdoors
that brought me joy ♪

♪ And now I know
I'm a true blue office boy ♪

♪ A true blue office boy. ♪

There might be
some dinosaurs in the mall,

but if we can cut through,
we'll save some time,

and then it's a straight sh*t
to Hospital Tent Three.

Okay, looks like there's just

Gill's little golf cart
Brontosaurus, so we'll just wait until

he goes around
the corner and then run.

- Whee!
- Wolf, we couldn't get Gill

to chase us if we wanted him to.
Let's just go.

Okay, I'm gonna push you
a little bit.

I'll hold on until
you get the hang of it.

You promise you won't let go?
You promise?

Of course I promise.

This is amazing.

It's like driving really slow,
but with a lot more effort.

Okay, Beef, I'm letting go now.

What? No. You promised.
Jerry, no.

- You can do it, Beef.
- Whoa.

Uh-oh, here I go. [grunts]

Oop. No, you can't.
All right, let's try again.

Okay, but this time,
you promise you won't let go?

Of course I promise.

And are you lying
to me about that?

Of course I'm lying.

- So, Doctor, does it ever get easier?
- What do you mean?

Oh, no, when I say that,
your line is,

- "We don't do this because it's easy."
- Uh, I'm not gonna say that.

Excuse me, Dr. Callahan, I don't
mean to bother you at lunch,

but we've got
a few people coming in

- who are actually sick.
- What do you mean?

Well, they have
pretend dinosaur injuries,

but they're really
throwing up, like a lot,

like a disgusting amount,
like, I don't...

Can you hear that
going on back there?

All right, Honeybee, Delmer,
you're with me.

This is what I'm talking about.

A little drama to get me
out of my head

about my storyline at home.

Oh, Jarvis, do you want
my macaroni salad?

cc's of macaroni salad are
just what the doctor ordered.

DR. CALLAHAN: No, it isn't.

Well, something inside you is
really acting the maggot, eh, lad?

[groans] Does that mean
diarrhea in British?

Junkyard Kyle,
where were you coming from?

OJJ and I were running
dinosaur victims back and forth

- all morning, then I threw up.
- Hmm.

Did you guys do anything
abnormal today?

Did you drink out of a puddle?
Did you eat lunch together?

[groans] Nope, nope, yup.

Wait, what was that yup? I lost
track of my own questions.

VOLUNTEER: Doctor, we have
three more barfers over here.

We're on our way.
I'll charge the paddles.

Absolutely not.

JUDY: All right, Wolf,
next thing you know,

you'll be saying sorry to Honeybee.

Hope I don't have to fight
that handsome doctor for her.

What if he knows
how to do a crane kick?

- It's impossible to defend.
- [all gasp]

JUDY: The Lone Moose
Roller Blading Club.

Run!

[all panting]

Take the stairs, take the stairs.

[yells]

There's an employees-only
exit this way. Hurry.

Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go.

Well, who's this chubby fella?

[all scream]

Quick, uh, somebody ball
yourself up like a meteor,

and I'll throw you at him.

[all screaming]

[yells]

Wolf, get out. Go to Honeybee.

But what if you die?

This isn't real,
but your marriage is.

Oh, right. Cool.
Yeah, yeah, thanks, bye.

- [screaming]
- Ah, the satisfied screams

- of helping somebody else.
- I finally get it.

All those things
are like riding a bike.

- [giggles, screams]
- Wolf?

Jerry? Dad.
You're riding a bike.

I prefer the term "a'cruisin',"
but, yes, son.

Wait, what are you doing out here?

Dad, Honeybee and I
got into our first fight,

so I'm going to the hospital,
so I can say I'm sorry

before she leaves me for the
Irish charms of Dr. Callahan.

If you want to get
to the hospital quicker,

I can give you
a ride on my bike.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hop on.

Wait, son, the rules.

If you touch that dinosaur,
you'll be dead.

I'm not gonna touch
the dinosaur, Dad.

I'm gonna ride it, which, yes,
is a form of touching, totally,

but screw it. I got a marriage
to save. Let's ride.

You two go ahead. I'll maintain
this leisurely velocity

and meet you there
in about three hours.

[giggles]

I'm barely moving.
I've never felt more alive!

[laughs]

Oh, God, everyone's barfing.
Hmm...

There's something about
these cases that's bothering me.

It's like the charts
are saying "Sillian,"

but my gut is saying "Killian."

[groans] Oh, God.

The macaroni's coming out of me,
upstairs and downstairs.

I'm so sorry, everybody.

[gasps] Oh, my God, Dr.
Callahan, that's it, macaroni.

Everyone's throwing up the
macaroni salad from the food truck.

- Dear God.
- I love the way you said that.

I have chills, but we have got
to shut down that food truck.

WOLF: Thanks, Jerry.

Macaroni salad?
Don't mind if I do.

- Honeybee.
- Wolf? What're you doing here?

I rode your brother here
to tell you

that I'm so sorry
about this morning.

I was such a Fool Hand Luke
for not apologizing right away.

I love you, and I'm sorry,

and please don't leave me
for Doctor...

Oh, I'm being so rude. I'm Wolf.

Pleasure to meet you.
Dr. Callahan.

Wow, that's crazy. There's
another Irish Dr. Callahan

at this same hospital,
but he's smoking hot...

- No. Don't. [sighs]
- ...and has a bunch of abs

- and a real nice butt and can do a crane kick.
- Mm-mm. Nope.

- Uh, this is him.
- Okay, I actually can do a crane kick.

Anyway, sweetie, I don't want
to fight anymore.

In fact, I promise you,
I'll never argue with you again.

Wolf, babe, that's not realistic.

If we're gonna
be together forever,

we're gonna fight sometimes,
but, yeah,

you should've admitted
you were wrong,

and I shouldn't have left
in a huff. That was my bad,

but couples fight,
and then they process things,

maybe blow off some steam

by driving around listening
to Santana featuring Rob Thomas.

- How'd you know I did that?
- Because I know you, Wolf.

And because you listen
to that song a lot.

Like, a lot.

But after couples fight,
they make up,

like we're making up right now.

Ah, young love. Reminds me
of me sweet Saoirse,

before we had our two sons,
Domhnall and Cillian.

- Look. See?
- Yup. Got it.

Now, how about giving me a Hugh?
That's how I pronounce hug.

- [retching]
- Ew!

Oh, my God. Ah! The food truck.
I let my personal storyline

distract me from
my work storyline.

Oh, no, we're too late.

Not to worry.
I'll just make a call. Stat.

[gasps] Uh-oh. Looks like we got
a code friend on our hands.

Hey, you found her. And I found
a big old cup of macaroni salad.

BOTH [distorted]:
No!

JERRY: I was eating that.
Was that not clear?

Wow, Honeybee.
You saved your brother's life.

- Did she?
- Wolf, does it ever get easier?

We don't do this 'cause it's easy.

Doctor, I think we're gonna
have to rendezvous

in the dimly lit break room.

Okay, but I still think
you guys could apologize

for knocking the macaroni salad
out of my hands.

I was pretty hungry.

Guys? Guys.

Well, I'm sorry you guys
got eaten today

- and ended your survival streak.
- That's okay, Dad.

Honestly, if I'd known the
morgue tent had Wi-Fi and

multiple charcuterie plates,
I would've let myself die

a horrible death
years ago. [laughs]

Moon Tobin, in honor of your
contribution to Disaster Day,

I present to you
the best tool we have

in our arsenal to fight dinosaurs.

Thank you, sir.
And if you ever need me,

you know where to call,
my house. Call my house.

- What was that all about?
- Oh, Dad,

I have so much
to tell you about filing.

HONEYBEE: ♪ All you doctors
get to the OR quick ♪

- ♪ Put the patient on the gurney, don't miss ♪
- ♪ Don't miss ♪

♪ All you nurses
start another IV drip ♪

♪ Charge the paddles
while I yell stat, like that ♪

♪ 'Cause he's having
a heart att*ck ♪

- ♪ The line is flat, get back ♪
- ♪ Clear ♪

♪ That's when I holler stat,
quickly, I need ♪

♪ cc's, no time for thank you
or please ♪

♪ No time for thank you
or please, please ♪

♪ If someone stepped
on a Hot Wheels track ♪

♪ The doctor comes running,
and we'll fix it like that ♪

- ♪ Uh-oh ♪
- ♪ You know ♪

♪ This patient's about to blow
So, I yell stat ♪

[monitor flatlining]
♪ Oh, snap ♪

♪ I guess it
Honeybees like that. ♪