01x09 - Whose Show Is This?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "She-Hulk: Attorney at Law". Aired: August 18, 2022 - present.
Jennifer Walters has a complicated life as a single, 30-something attorney who also happens to be a green 6-foot-7-inch superpowered hulk.
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01x09 - Whose Show Is This?

Post by bunniefuu »

NARRATOR: Jennifer Walters,
Esq. Lawyer, millennial,


searching for a way to balance
a career and her personal life.


Then, an accidental dose
of gamma-radiated blood


alters her body chemistry.

And now, when Jennifer Walters
grows angry or outraged,


a startling metamorphosis occurs.

(GRUNTING)

The creature is driven by rage

and pursued by online trolls.

Don't make me angry. You
wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

NARRATOR: She is
provoked into a rampage


that has landed her in prison.

And now, she is seen only
for the raging spirit


that dwells within her.

(ROARS)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Hey, guys.

Hey, buddy.

How you doin'?

I'm all right. Did you
manage to get a hold of Bruce?

We left multiple messages.

I managed to sound very calm,

considering I was calling
the freaking Hulk himself.

- Let's get down to brass tacks.
- Yes.

We need to identify every individual

who hacked my private information.

They need to be prosecuted...

Hold on. Forget them. We
need to discuss your case.

This was a targeted att*ck. They
must be held responsible for this.

You took their bait.

I was angry!

Which is how anyone would
respond in that situation.

You're not just anyone. You
are an out-of-control Hulk.

That's what all the witnesses saw.

We have an offer for a plea deal.

The DA won't file charges
related to the incident.

What are the terms?

(DEVICE BEEPS)

ELAINE: Hey.

Oh, no, sweetheart. It's all right.

- People go to prison every day.
- ELAINE: Every day.

I stole all the food and drinks

and put them in your car
'cause screw this place.

Thank you.

But I will continue to work
here because they pay me nicely.

Don't worry about me, you guys.

Thanks for the help.

PUG: We always have your back, Jen.

The female cousin of the Hulk,
popularly known as She-Hulk,


- has been released from custody.
- (JENNIFER SCOFFS)

Terms of the deal

permanently bar Jennifer Walters

from transforming into her She-Hulk...

A neighbor who wished to remain
anonymous is uncomfortable


- that an unstable super being...
- Unstable?

- ...lives next door.
- REPORTER: She-Hulk!

Are they outside my house?

(REPORTERS CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY)

REPORTER: Excuse me, Jen Walters.

Do you care to comment about
losing your superpowers?

MORRIS: Jen, if no one
ever hires you again,

you can always move back here with us.

- Thanks, Dad.
- Of course.

But my gym stuff is in your room now,

and I work out every day at : a.m.

You should join me. Workout buddies.

Oh, this will be fun.

REPORTER: There she is!

- Jennifer, any plans to go to rehab?
- Hey!

Hey! Get off my damn lawn!

I don't care if there is a drought.
I got water pressure for days.

NIKKI: No! Just a sparkling water,
a turkey sandwich, chips, and guac.

Yes, I wanna see those
baby pictures, Elaine.

Thank you. Oh, my God. I love Elaine.

Okay, what've you got for me?

Finding the identity of these
guys has been a d*ad end.

We know that HulkKing is
admin on Intelligencia,

but the site security
is annoyingly airtight.

I've looked into the platform,

and it's owned by several shell companies

that are operating
outside of US jurisdiction.

Which... How am I supposed to sue

these guys if I don't know who they are?

Okay, look. Intelligencia is made
up of exclusively dumb dudes.

One of them will slip up,

and they will give us
information to track them down.

Then we will find them, and we will
destroy them by any and all means.

Legally.

I said, "By any and all means."

No, I am going to sue them for
defamation and invasion of privacy

and get them charged
with unauthorized access

- to a protected computer.
- Ugh. Boring.

If you wanna be all Jen
Walters about it, that's cool.

Okay. I actually found this guy...

- ELAINE: Sweetie!
- One second. Food. Hello.

I'm packing up treats for
you to take home with you.

- Including black and white cookies?
- Yeah.

NIKKI: Thank you.

You also might get a kick out of
this video that Jen and her friends

- made in law school.
- No, Mom!

- It's my mission in life to see this!
- No! No! No!

Out! We have work to do. Don't watch it.

When will this work be
out of my living room?

Once I get justice for what's happened.

I can't do that if you're hovering.

Okay! Sheesh.

- Send that to me, please?
- Already did.

Goodbye, Mom. I am suing both
of you for emotional distress.

- Oh, boy.
- DENNIS: Intimately.

- Jen.
- That's correct.

We worked together at the DA's office,

and we dated for a
significant amount of time.


And let me tell you, she was psycho

way before she got those superpowers.

- I blame her grandmother.
- Huh?

ELAINE: Jennifer! Can you
move the big bookcase for me?

- I think I want it closer to the window.
- No!

ELAINE: Oh, that's right. You
can't be Girl-Hulk anymore.

It's She-Hulk, Mom. Or was.

But never again.

Which I know is what I said I
wanted, but this doesn't feel right.

This isn't even a
reluctant superhero story.

I'm just getting screwed over.

Is this what you guys want?

NARRATOR: Jennifer Walters
is a woman at a new low.


- She has no fight left.
- No, not doing a narrator.

We're not that off the rails.

"Hey, what you up to?"

He's AWOL.

Emil would understand.

Mmm. (SIGHS)

Well, he said come
anytime. This is a time.

I'm not running from my problems.
It's a mental health break.

Found this vid of She-Hulk in college.

Forgive me, Jen, for this transgression.

Oh, hey there, HulkKing.

Okay, well, that was
easy. Or am I a genius?

"Hell yeah, I'll be there."

Pug, are you still here?

I need a favor.

Jen.

- What a pleasant surprise.
- Yeah. I hope this is okay.

I need a place to stay
for a couple of days.

Of course.

- I'll set you up with a guest room.
- Okay.

- And a hug.
- Okay.

JENNIFER: "Our hearts b*at the same.

"If you say I'm the monster,
what does that make you?"

This book sucks.

Okay, we're here.

Pug, you need to go in and mingle, okay?

Find out all about these dweebs.

Don't fret. I'll be on
the phone with you.

Won't it look suspicious that I'm
walking around with an earbud in?

Trust me, you're not the only one. Okay?

Please, don't make me do this.

You have to, okay? You gotta
blend in with these trolls.

And remember to always
refer to women as females.

(GROANS)

Jen's life is on the line, okay?

So, I need you to get your
head in the game, buddy!

Off you go. Thank you.

MAN: You didn't get
that it was a good movie.

- Sit your sweet ass down. Let me explain.
- NIKKI: Stop stalling, all right?

- (MUFFLED) Talk to people.
- It's coming in real choppy.

- Don't pretend like you can't hear me.
- No. Reception here sucks.

Okay, so walk around.

MAN: Why does there even
need to be a She-Hulk?


It's not like there's a He-Hulk.

And Lady Thor?

- Hey, guys, she just sucks, okay?
- Yes.

I'm not saying that
because she's a female.

I would have the same
criticisms if she was a man.

MAN: Yeah, too many emotions.

Come on, Pug, talk to them.

MAN: ...no one's allowed
to make jokes anymore.

- Nope. Can't do it, Nikki.
- Yes, you can.

Let's do it, Pug.

PUG: Okay. Come on, Pug. Be gross.

(GRUNTS)

- Females, am I right?
- MAN : Yeah, man.

- MAN : Yes. Yes, you are.
- MAN : Yeah.

Mother Pugger.

Todd Phelps?

NIKKI: Todd? Oh, wait, that tracks.

Man, of course you're one of us.

Come here, man.

Huh?

Yeah?

Welcome, bro. I'm so
happy that you're here.

Yeah. Me, too. So happy.

This guy rules, all right?

You heard it from me first.

He rules and he's hot.

- MAN : I'd smash you.
- MAN : What?

- TODD: And let's be honest, okay?
- Come on.

TODD: He knows what I'm talking about.

- Is She-Hulk better than the Hulk?
- MEN: No.

Is she as strong as him?
Is she as smart as him?

- MEN: No.
- No!

She wouldn't even have her
powers without him, right?

So, why do we have to act
like she earned everything?

Here's where I'm at.

Superpowers should go to
the best person for the job.

- Right?
- Exactly.

- Right?
- Yeah, totally.

Say she got everything through nepotism.

She got everything through nepotism.

- TODD: Yeah, exactly.
- (ALL AGREEING)

- That's what I'm sayin', dude.
- (CHEERS)

Think she boned Holliway?

- That's their boss.
- MAN: Oh.

- Did she?
- Say yes!

Yes.

Like you're mad about it.

Yeah, and it pisses me off.

- MEN: Yeah!
- Yes.

Pug, we are vibing, my man.

Gross. Keep him talking
about something relevant.


How did you get involved
with this group here?

- (MEN LAUGH)
- (CHUCKLES) Dude, I created Intelligencia.

I'm HulkKing.

Oh, my God.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh, come on.

It's okay. He can improvise.

(SCOFFS) The guy can't improv.

(CLAPS) Come on,
everyone! Let's circle up.

Let's get it together, right?

I'm really proud of us for
hacking She-Hulk's phone...

- MEN: Yeah.
- (ALL CLAPPING)

...because we showed the world
what a real monster she is.

But we also showed them
that we're not just talk...

- MEN: Yeah!
- We're real action,

and we're just getting started.

ALL: Yeah!

(EXCLAIMS)

- Let's go!
- (ALL CHEER)

Hi.

Hey, Jen.

You look like you could use a
cup of tea and a friend's ear.

Yeah.

Saracen got me into this Pu'er tea,

but you gotta watch him 'cause
he likes to slip in chicken blood.

Thanks. Yeah, but I don't think
anybody could really understand

what I'm going through,

except Emil since he went
through the exact same thing.

Someone's cooking up one heck
of a group-share tomorrow.

I think I'd rather just
talk to Emil about this.

- Where is he?
- He's down in the lodge.

Some private event down there.

Thanks.

Hmm. Kind of miss the chicken blood.

TODD: I would like to introduce
our very special guest speaker.

He cost a ton, so you'd better cheer.

Give it up for the Abomination!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thank you. Thank you.

Nice to meet you all.

- Welcome to the Summer Twilight's Lodge.
- (CHEERING)

It's really an honor to be your
humble life coach for the evening.

(ALL CHEERING)

I hear your group has all
been making amazing progress.

Every single person seizing
their goal. Am I right?

CROWD: Yeah!

Todd has told me that you were all

unsatisfied with your place in the world.

- CROWD: Yeah.
- Don't ask permission!

ALL: Do not ask permission!

ABOMINATION: Be powerful!

ALL: Be powerful!

ABOMINATION: You are the only boss.

CROWD: Yeah!

Emil?

Jennifer.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

Jen Walters.

Todd, what are you doing here?

Actually, I don't care.

Emil, you've been transforming
into the Abomination?

Uh, yeah, I do speaking
engagements. Nothing bad.

Strictly for profit.

I vouched for you.

Jen, I'm sorry that you're upset.

Was there a real apology
in there that I missed?

Nikki? What are you doing here?

We need to get out of here.

These guys are Intelligencia.

Todd created the site. He's HulkKing.

- You're HulkKing?
- TODD: No doi!

(CROWD CHEERING)

You remember your attractive date, Josh?

You think the sex tape
was the worst part.

I hired him to seduce
you and steal your blood.

- Oh!
- Wait. What are you talking about?

Steal my blood?

My team also synthesized your blood,

so it could safely give me all the powers

you never should've been given

- in the first place.
- CROWD: Yeah!

See, I didn't just
get handed superpowers.

I had to earn them.

(CROWD CLAMORING)

(GRUNTS)

This is not gonna work, right?

We're not actually doing this?

Why isn't it... (GRUNTS)

Ugh! Gross.

(GROANING)

This can't possibly be
where this season was going.

(WARBLES)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Yeah, come at me, bro.

(CHEERING AND LAUGHING)

- TITANIA: Surprise, losers.
- MAN: I'm out of here, man.

Come on. Titania, too?
This isn't messy enough?

God! Does that bitch ever use a door?

You!

ABOMINATION: Jen, watch out!

Emil!

Get her!

JENNIFER: Stop!

(ROARS)

- JENNIFER: Bruce?
- Let go of my cousin, assh*le.

It's not what you think.

Is this necessary?

What is even happening here?

- No. Uh-uh.
- Nope.

This is a mess. None of these
storylines make any sense.

Is this working for you?

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

This menu is not gonna stop me.

Just gonna break this
inhibitor real quick.


(DEVICE BEEPS)

(GRUNTS)

{an }All right, let's see here.

No.

Uh... No!

Ah! Marvel: Assembled. That'll do.

MAN : So, tell me about the
Infinity Gauntlet. It's amazing.

MAN : So back when we were
working on the first Thor movie,

they had come to me and
asked me to make a gauntlet.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Guys, what do we get if the
entirety of the second season

is one extended dream sequence?

- WRITER : I love that idea.
- WRITER : That's the one.

WRITER JESSICA: Isn't she
supposed to have an inhibitor?

Hey. Is everything okay?

JENNIFER: What the hell, you guys?

What kind of stupid finale is this?

We thought it'd be really
cool, and like unexpected.

Yeah, like fun, kind of with a twist.

JENNIFER: A twist?

The bad guy steals my blood in
order to give himself superpowers.

Where did you come up
with that original idea?

Was that from every other
superhero story ever?

There are certain things that are supposed

to happen in a superhero story.

- Exactly.
- (THUDS)

- (WRITERS GASP)
- Why don't we just do things our own way?

- This is the story that K.E.V.I.N. wants.
- Yeah.

Okay, then I wanna talk to Kevin.

(ALL LAUGH)

No one talks to K.E.V.I.N.

K.E.V.I.N.'s value
is immeasurable, okay?

JESSICA: Yes. You'll never
even get close to him.

I would m*rder you to protect K.E.V.I.N.

Okay, this is very creepy.

The way you're talking
about him, it's not healthy.

I'm going to go talk to Kevin now.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Oh, wow, She-Hulk.

I'm here to see Kevin. It's urgent.

Okay, great.

I'll just have you sign
our nondisclosure agreement,

and then have a seat.

I've got She-Hulk here.

For K.E.V.I.N.

(ALARM BLARING)

Why make me sign if
you were gonna do that?

Everyone has to sign the NDA.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(BEEPS)

Bye-bye now.

BRUCE ON TV: That's my secret, Cap.

- Whoa!
- I'm always angry.

What is this?

Hello, Jennifer.

Kevin?

It stands for "Knowledge Enhanced
Visual Interconnectivity Nexus."


Were you expecting a man?

Yeah. Why would I expect a
giant AI brain and not a man?

Wait. So, you're the one who's
making all the decisions here?

I will answer your questions, but
you must transform back to Jennifer.


Why?

You are very expensive.

Oh, sure.

But wait until the camera is off you.

The visual effects team has
moved on to another project.

- Okay.
- There. Do it now.

(RUSTLING)

- Better?
- Thank you.

And to answer your question...
Yes, I make the decisions.


I possess the most advanced
entertainment algorithm in the world,


and it produces near-perfect products.

Near-perfect?

Some are better than others,

but I leave that debate
up to the Internet.


Well, Kevin, I'm not happy with
what's happening in my story.

You do not get to choose.

Why not? It's my show.

Incorrect. It's K-E-V-I-N's show.

Well, regardless of creative ownership,

can we agree that it is a legal comedy?

If that's what you prefer to call it.

Then I would like to
give my closing argument.

Oh, ha-ha, I see what you did there.

You may proceed.

Thank you.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is known

for its big spectacles
and high-stakes plotlines,

but it's often said that Marvel
movies all end the same way...

Wait, who's saying that?

Perhaps, this is a result of
following some unwritten rule

that you have to throw a
bunch of plot, and flash,

and a whole blood thing that
seems super suspiciously close

to Super Soldier Serum at
the audience in the climax.

I propose we don't have to do that.

Huh.

It distracts from the story,
which is that my life fell apart

right when I was learning
to be both Jen and She-Hulk.

Those are my stakes, K.E.V.I.N.

The K-E-V-I-N is processing this new data.

What is the ending you propose?

Well, can we not do
"Todd gets Hulk powers"?

Like, the powers aren't
the villain. He is.

Erasing blood plot.

And Bruce swooping down from literal

outer space to save the day in my story?

Uh-uh.

But Bruce is supposed to return
to explain what he was doing...


No. We don't need to hear any of that.

But we were going to introduce...

Save it for the movie.

Recalculating. And Abomination?

After all that, I just want
him to hold himself accountable.

Um... Okay.

And enough with this angsty nighttime.

Let's do this big climax in daylight.

- Yeah.
- Are we done here?

Oh, would not mind seeing
Daredevil again. A woman has needs.

Historically, we've been
light in that department.


- Oh! While I've got you here...
- Oh, wait, you are sitting?

What's with all the daddy issues?

- We got Tony Stark. Daddy issues.
- Jen.

Thor. Daddy issues. Loki.
Same daddy, same issues.

- Oh, boy.
- Star-Lord. Two daddies, two issues.

Jen, please stop.

And when are we getting the X-Men?

I cannot tell you that.

Okay, back to She-Hulk.

I have thoughts about
Season 's direction.

You will not be able to
access the K-E-V-I-N again.


- What?
- That error on our platform

has been fixed.

Th...

- That's it? We're done?
- That's it?

You obliterated the thrilling
ending K-E-V-I-N formulated.


Yeah, that's what Hulks do.

We smash things.
Bruce smashes buildings.

I smash fourth walls and bad endings.

And sometimes, Matt Murdock.

Okay, now get back to the show.

See you on the big screen.

- Really?
- No.

Oh, whatever, K.E.V.I.N.

Should I transform back or is it...

What's the most
budget-friendly way to do this?

TITANIA: Hey, Titaniacs.

- So, I just destroyed...
- Todd!

OMG, you guys.

We are about to witness a m*rder.

Now I'm ready to deal with you.

This is amazing.

Just do it.

I'll see you in court,

babe.

Look, I didn't mean to...

Jen, I'm here to help.

Hey, Daredevil! You missed it.

We're done. I'm sorry.

Everything? Oh, man.

It was great, though,
and I'm happy to see you.

Oh. Thanks.

- Happy to see you, too.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.

Oh, my God. Did they
hook up? Are they a thing?

Yeah. Just take it down a notch, Pug.

I'm gonna go. One sec.

Sure.

Hi, Daredevil.

All right, as your legal counsel,

if you sign this, you go back to prison

for ten years for parole violation.

Yep. It's the karmic
price I pay for my actions.

Well, maybe you can write
some haikus about it.

Sarcasm?

Can't wait to read them.

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

CHED: Why shouldn't I
have my own currency?

Go ahead. You can't.

Now, Matt, Jen tells me
you have your own practice.

Yeah, in Hell's Kitchen.

Hear that, Rebecca? His own practice.

Hell's Kitchen doesn't
sound like a very nice area.

(CHUCKLES) It's not
glamorous, but I grew up there.

I always wanted to help those
who can't afford legal services.

So, you don't make much money.

Aunt Rebecca, you don't ask
people how much money they make.

It's fine. I don't do it for the money.

- But you do make some money, right?
- Dad!

It's very expensive raising kids in LA.

He's staying for a week.

I didn't expect this
conversation to go this way.

Matt, I'm gonna tell you right now,

every conversation is going in
that direction, so buckle up.

- (CHUCKLES)
- I really am. I'm just visiting.

Why not stay?

Um, well...

UNCLE TUCKER: Why not
help with the hamburgers?

AUNT REBECCA: So, I would
like for you to taste my...

Um...

- Jen, I could use a co-counsel here.
- I got ya.

- I think that...
- Welcome to my life.

- (CHUCKLES)
- BRUCE: Hey, everyone.

Whoa-ho!

(ALL CLAMORING)

What's up? Hold on.

Cousin. Bruce.

I know I've been away
on Sakaar for a while.

I'll tell you all about it.

But first,

I have someone here that
I'd like you all to meet.

This is my son, Skaar.

(ALL GASP)

- REBECCA: Bruce!
- MELANIE: Bruce!

CHED: What's up with the space thing?

ELAINE: Hi, honey!

Wow, your family.

ELAINE: You know about this?

REPORTER: In light of
a criminal conspiracy,

She-Hulk, the superpowered
woman, cousin of the Hulk

is cleared of her previous conviction.

She-Hulk!

Can you share details about your lawsuit

against Todd Phelps and Intelligencia?

People like Todd Phelps have to be
held responsible for their actions.

The message is that if you att*ck,
harm, or harass innocent people,

I'm coming for you.

Do you mean in a courtroom
or as a superhero?

Both.

Tell our viewers, who
are you wearing today?

Okay.

The Difficult Diva of Law herself.

You took your time.

Emil, my apologies for the delay.

You got sucked in
another show, didn't you?

We're really in an era of Peak
TV. Do you have all your things?

Yeah. What's the guest
policy at Kamar-Taj?

Shared fridge?

We're kind of all one with everything.

- What about Wi-Fi?
- We have Wi-Fi.
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