02x04 - The Principal’s Office

[bunniefuu]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy... ♪

Hit that high note.

♪ ...dear Ryan ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ And how old ♪

♪ Are you, Ryan? ♪

Here she goes again.

♪ How o-o-o-old are you ♪

♪ Ryan? ♪

♪ How o-o-old ♪

♪ Are yo-o-o-o-u? ♪

I'm .

♪ May the good Lord ♪

♪ Bless yo-o-o-o-o-u ♪

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

Okay, now, does anybody remember
what was in this container before?

- Oh, oh.
- Erin, go for it.

Ice. Brr.

I will accept "Ice. Brr."

Now, there was an ice cube
in this container before, right?

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Mum!

Micah, why are you yelling in my class?

Is your mum here right now?

[CHUCKLES] Mr. Eddie, you're silly.

No, I'm not.

Um, so there was an ice cube
in here before,

but now, there's just water.

What do we think happened
to that ice cube?

I love Bingo!

This isn't the first time
Micah has disrupted my class.

From what I understand,
he's obsessed with a TV show

about Australian dogs.

"Blue-ish" or something.
I don't know. It doesn't matter.

What matters is I've tried
everything to keep him in line

and nothing works.

It's gotten to the point where
even his classmates are annoyed.

Do you know how hard it is
to annoy a first grader?

Bingo! Bingo!

Bingo, Bingo, Bingo!

Um, everybody, e-eyes up here.

Bingo, Bluey!

"Bluey."

The show is called "Bluey."

And then, Tariq said,
"Let's get ready to rumbly!"

[CHUCKLES]

Because my tummy was rumbly.
It was funny. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God. Are those pork rinds?

W... [CHUCKLES] I know.

I've been talking about my ex too much.

[SIGHS]

Jacob tells me I sound like a lesbian.
I'm working on it.

No. Not that.
I mean, yeah, you do, but this food.

You eat like you took
a cooking class in prison.

You know, it's funny you say that,

because my play cousin Meechie
just got out and taught me this.

It's so delicious and cheap.

Oh, so it's about money?

'Cause I can stretch a budget
like a big headed baby

stretches a...

It's not about money.

My mom never taught my sister
or I how to cook.

So everybody just got a sister now?

JANINE: Tariq used to do the cooking.

He used to say, "Call me Chef Tariq-riq,

'cause when you cook, it stink-stink."

You know no one's making you
tell these stories, right?

- I know.
- Okay, listen, I can teach you

how to make a cheap,
non-embarrassing meal.

It might take you five days
to finish it,

but it'll be delicious, so it won't
skeeve you till the third day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna regret this, but...

you just come to my place tonight.

What time? I mean, can I come?

I need you to help me
with my wine pairings.

Zach... he gets embarrassed
when I ask the clerk for the,

"second least expensive bottle."

Well, I couldn't think of a reason
why you can't quick enough,

so yeah, I frickin'
guess you can, buddy.

Yay.

- And we'll just get rid of that.
- Whoa.

Hey, man, can you, uh,
pass me a sugar packet?

Talk to me, bro.

- Try again.
- Copy that.

Uh, hey, Gregory.

Is there anything you want to
get off your chest?

[SIGHS] I have this kid... Micah.

I can't stop him
from disrupting my class.

It's like he can sense
whenever I feel like

I'm getting a handle on something,

and he just swoops in like a
cute little falcon and rips me apart.

Foof.

I have been there.

All the students
bringing the correct energy.

Insightful answers
popping off left and right.

And then [IMITATES expl*si*n]
someone goes and kills the vibe.

Yeah, I hated all of those sentences,
but how do you handle it?

Well, like last week,

every time Aaliyah
would give a correct answer,

she would say, "I'm on your ass, Mr. C."

You still letting them call you that?

Eh, it's out of love.

But when she said it,
the class would burst out in laughter.

It was an untenable situation.

So I sent her to the principal's office.

To Ava?

MAN: The magnitude seve...

Don't nobody care about that earthquake.

Turn it back, or there'll be
another national emergency.

- And that was helpful?
- Yeah.

Like, it made me feel like the
mayor of White Guiltsylvania,

but, uh, it... It did help.

Look, I can't have one student
ruining the lesson for everyone.

If you've really tried everything else,
you know, give it a sh*t.

That's a good idea, actually.

Thank you?

Oh, you're welcome.

That is your coffee.

It was.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Hey.

Oh, good. You brought the opps.

And hello to you, too, Melissa.
[CHUCKLES]

- Oh, wow.
- Wow.

Hey, I, uh... I brought this.

I think it's called a "blend"
'cause they just mix

- all the best wines together.
- Is that...

Yes, my cousin Vinny,
and you wouldn't know that

if you were minding your own business.

So now close your eyes and
follow the sound of my voice.

This way.

You think this is a [BLEEP] joke?

- Ma'am.
- Eyes.

Yeah, at school, I make sure
I don't use salty language.

It's my house.

I don't give a [BLEEP]

Oh, it's a video. I
thought it was a picture.

- Oh, me, too. Ugh!
- [LAUGHS]

But that's okay, though. Just save it.

We can upload... Oh, my God.

How come you got a shallot?

- A what now?
- A shallot. I said get an onion.

Oh, Janine thought it was an onion

that was adorable and small like her,

and who am I to shatter that illusion.

[LAUGHS] Does it really matter?

Does it matter?

Janine, come on. Of course it matters.

Ooh! Now I get to patronize
a local vendor.

BRB.

I love haggling with
neighborhood merchants.

You should see their faces when
I counter with a higher price.

You've heard of up-selling?
Well, I'm an up-buyer.

If you get a white onion,
I swear to God.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] Hmm.

So, do I have to be that
specific about ingredients?

I mean, well, I wonder
if I could switch it up.

I hear cooking's like jazz. [CHUCKLES]

No, Dizzy Gillespie. It's not like that.
You got to be specific.

My sister Kristin Marie
used the wrong ingredient

making our Nana's signature dish

and brought that dish to her wake.

I haven't spoken to her since.

Phew! Well, I may not know
about cooking,

but I know a thing or two about sisters.

[CHUCKLES] [BLENDER WHIRRING]

[WHIRRING STOPS] So does your sister...

[WHIRRING RESUMES]

That's really loud. [CHUCKLES]

[WHIRRING STOPS] Alright,
you're not getting the hint.

Go ahead, finish.

Hint?

Anyway [SIGHS] my sister and I
aren't that close either.

I mean, literally.

She moved to Colorado because
she just couldn't take my mom.

I mean, we still talk.

Sorry.

Garlic, you know, makes you...
Makes you cry.

Yeah, garlic doesn't do that.
Do it like this.

I know that Melissa's quick
to cut people off.

She even stopped talking
to her hairdresser

because he called her Melinda once,

but, I mean, her own sister?

That's just heartbreaking.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, Melissa.

I was just thinking about last night,

when you said you don't
talk to your sister.

Well, you can stop thinking about it.

I bet you miss her, though, right?

Yeah, of course I miss her,
but she was wrong.

What am I gonna do? Apologize to myself?

Well, maybe... Maybe there was a reason

for the substitution, you know?

There's always two sides to every story.

And one of those is
the right side, which is mine.

Well, do you think
you would consider ever,

you know, mending fences with her?

Yeah. Sure, that'd be nice,

but Kristin Marie
would have to come to me,

and she's never gonna do that,
so let's stop talking about it, okay?

Maybe Kristin Marie wouldn't,
but Janine Marie would.

What are you up t... Wait,
your middle name is Marie?

No, it is not.
My mom forgot to give me one.

I may or may not be hatching
a little plan

to reunite Melissa and her sister.

I've hatched many a plan in my day,

and this one is gonna
drive the coop crazy.

Okay, now, rain is an example
of water in its liquid state.

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Bluey is from down under.

Micah, if you keep distracting
your classmates,

you're gonna leave me
with no other choice

but to send you
to the principal's office.

STUDENT: Oooh.

Now, we already know that ice
is a solid, but water is a...

Have you ever been down under?

Micah... I didn't want to
have to do this,

but you leave me with no choice.
Gather your things.

You're going to see Principal Coleman.

STUDENTS: Ooooooh!

Looking good. Great job, you guys.

Hey.

What's up?

I need to take this one
to principal's office.

Can you watch my class for a second?

The principal's office?

Don't you think that's a little
harsh for a kid that young?

I mean, I've never had to even
take any of my kids to Ava.

Well, this is a unique situation.

How so?

Can you help me or not?

Well, I just think maybe there
might be some other options.

You two in a fight?

Looks like y'all in a fight.

- I'll be right over.
- Thank you.

Thank you. Come on, Micah.

You can walk faster.

How have things been going
since I sent Micah

to the principal's office?

Pretty well, I'd say.

[DOOR OPENS]

Here I am, returning
Micah after a short,

yet respectable amount
of time in my office.

So, Micah, do you have anything
you want to say to the class?

- [NORMAL VOICE] Not really.
- What do you want him to say?

I want him to apologize
for disrupting the class

and tell us it'll never happen again.

Of course it's gonna happen again.
You want him to lie to your face?

No.

Don't forget your axolotl.

Hey, Micah, what does
an axolotl do on vacation?

Relax-alotl.

I know that's right.

Hey... Hey, why does he get a toy?

I wanna get sent to
the principal's office, too.

STUDENTS: Me, too!

No. No. Okay. No.

We're not... We're not do...
[STUDENTS SHOUTING]

And then he pulls up a
lollypop that she gave him.

I don't want to interrupt, but
your spaghetti's getting cold.

When I asked for the lollipop,
he spit it out into my hand.

You know, you guys can eat
and listen. I've seen you do it.

You know, I have seen students
produce fluids

that made me briefly consider

that they might be an alien species.

The thing about spaghetti
is you want to eat it hot.

Janine, stop interrupting.

You and Jacob did a good job yesterday.

In seconds,
everyone's gonna tell you so.

Just let the man finish his story.

Mm-hmm.

She said I did a good job.

The point is, Ava literally
made me take candy from a baby,

and she didn't do anything
to discipline Micah at all.

Oh, Ava doesn't discipline the kids.

So then why did you tell me
to send them to her?

[MUFFLED] Remember when I said
you shouldn't do that?

- [COUGHS]
- Look, sending a kid to Ava

just helps get them out of the room

so that you can regain control
of the rest of the class.

But it doesn't fix the problem,
and rewarding bad behavior

is the opposite of what
a principal should do, right?

Oh, wait, repeat what you just said,

because for a second, it sounded like
you expect Ava to do her job.

What y'all doing in here?

Never mind. I don't care.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Say when.

Discipline is an incredibly important
part of a child's development.

When I was a kid,
if I did anything childlike...

Yell, run around, just generally
have a zest for life...

I would be put on time out,
and I would have to reckon with the fact

that I had committed
a failure of character.

And that is how I became
the well-adjusted man

that stands before you today.

Barbara, when you talk to Ava,
she listens.

Yes.

And you're the only
one in this whole school

that can get her
to even remotely do her job.

You got that right.

You got this gift to just
see through her bull...

Gregory, what do you want?

Ma'am, can you please get Ava
to discipline the kids?

'Cause I'm here to teach, not punish.

I will talk with Ava,

because this color
doesn't look good on you.

I thought I looked nice today.

[INTERCOM BEEPS] AVA: Mr. Eddie,

please report to the principal's office.

BARBARA: Alright. Turn around.

Turn around. Come on.

Students, turn around.

STUDENTS: Ooooooh.

Alright, now, enough of that.

We do not kick somebody
when they are down.

- You wanted to see me?
- Why, yes, Mr. Eddie.

I did.

Though, ideally not under
these circumstances.

Don't make that face.

I heard you're going around
complaining about my principaling.

Now, I've made it a point
not to "harass" you

these past few weeks
and this is how you repay me?

Ava, you do these kids a disservice

by not being the strong
authority figure that they need.

Kids are supposed to be scared
to go to the principal's office.

You turned it into a Chuck E. Cheese.

[CHUCKLES] Don't say that.

I got beef with every
Charles Entertainment Cheese

in the greater Philadelphia area.

Can I go?

Have you not embarrassed me enough?

Now, how do you think it feels
for a six or seven year old

to make that walk of shame?

By the time they get to my office,

they got snot running down their face

and they're shaking
like a Chihuahua, and what?

I'm supposed to punish them?
And then what?

I gotta tune out some sobbing child

while I'm trying to watch "Below Deck"?

If you don't agree with my approach,

you need to get Micah
under control on your own.

[INTERCOM BEEPS] I'm
sending Mr. Eddie back to his class.

Let's all hope he's learned his lesson.

I got next game.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

This is a , uh, white,

and this $ dandy has hints of metal...

Oh, God, would you shut
the hell up about the wine?

Mm-hmm. [DOORBELL RINGS]

Janine, could you get that, please?

- Mm-hmm.
- It's probably one of my neighbors

thinking you're an interracial couple

trying to gentrify the neighborhood.

Oh, Kristin Marie!

Do I know you, Bilbo Baggins?

Where's Melissa?

♪ Chase the blues away ♪

Let me catch you up.
I made the sacred Schemmenti gnocchi,

dropped it off at her school with a note

implying it's from Melissa, and now...

♪ Reunited and it feels so good ♪

Are you trying to [BLEEP] poison me?

Poison? You know I would
never poison anybody.

If I'm taking someone out,
I wanna watch 'em go.

The hell are you doing
in my house, you pazzo lunatic?

You know exactly what I'm doing here.

You show up at my place of employ

trying to mock me via food.

What the hell are you talking about?

If Nana knew you'd made this,
she'd be turning over in her urn.

If Nana knew you made her
gnocchi with red potatoes,

that urn would be a [BLEEP] sandstorm.

The store was out of russets.

Alright, enough of that!

I don't like confrontation. I'm... yeah.

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob.

You know what? I'm really
glad I came by, actually,

because you're clearly...
You're losing your mind.

What, you're l... you're letting
cameras in your house.

Forgetting you dropped-off food.

You know, I thought about
giving this crap to my dog,

but I love my dog, so...

I would say that comment
was pretty hurtful.

I couldn't make food
that disgusting if I tried.

That, too.

Yeah? If you didn't do it,
then how else did this

gnocchi-shaped Play-Doh
end up in my classroom

- with a note...
- Oh.

...that said, "For my sister"?

Huh.

- Everybody out.
- Mm-hmm.

Get out.

Wow. Not even an apology

for trying to snuff out your own sister.

Real nice, Schemmenti.

Oops.

Hang on. Wait. Let me just...

Let me just say one thing to you
before you go, okay?

Your roots are growing in.

That's enough.

Make your voice deeper.

Since Ava refuses to do another one

of the integral functions of her job,

I have to take on this additional duty.

I plan to exceed expectations.

Of which there are none.

'Cause this isn't my job.

That's enough.

Deeper.

[CLEARS THROAT] That is enough.

My work here is done.

Hm. Enough. Enough.

[CLEARS THROAT] Enough.

Just stopping by to see
how things are going

since your conversation with Ava.

Terribly.

I can't think of any other way
to get Micah to focus

other than to break out my dad voice.

Well, did your dad's
dad voice work on you?

I'd say it did.

Working here at Abbott
as a young Black man,

you are in a unique position.

Mm.

You are also at a crossroads.

Now, I am not saying that discipline
does not have its place,

but your students can either fear you

or they can respect you.

You can't have both.

It's possible I'd forgotten
what all that discipline

made me feel like as a kid.

I'm starting to thinking that
maybe I didn't grow into the man

I'm proud of because of it.

Maybe I did in spite of it.

Ooh, Melissa is mad.

I'm sure she's not that mad.

Yeah, she is. That's her angry walk.

Look at her, not bending her knees.

Are you so bad at reading body language
because yours are so small?

Hey, Melissa?

Hey. I'm... I'm sorry.

I was just trying to fix your
relationship with your sister,

not re-create an episode
of "The Sopranos."

Is that offensive? I haven't seen it.

- I don't know.
- No, I knew what I was risking

when I invited you over to the house.

I brought this on myself.

I don't want to undercut my apology

by over-explaining my behavior...

Sure you don't. What is it, Janine?

I have been missing my sister
a lot lately,

and I can't imagine
having her down the street

and not speaking to her
over a potato substitution.

And I get that food's important to you.

It's not about the gnocchi, Janine.

There are members of my family

that still have a vendetta
against her over that dish,

but Kristin Marie left
my whole family high and dry

when my Nana got sick.

She said, "Oh, I can't handle
seeing her like this,"

and she just disappeared,

and I was left to take care
of her by myself.

And then she brings a Tupperware

full of hot garbage to the funeral?

That was just the nail in the coffin.

Metaphorically. Nana was cremated.

I miss seeing her though.

It was nice to have fun
with her like that again.

Really?

Yeah, ya know. Family. It's complicated.

[SNICKERS]

Yeah, that is for sure.

Yeah.

I wish my mom taught me how to cook.

Hey.

Why don't you and me make some time

to do another cooking lesson, alright?

So you don't hurt someone. [CHUCKLES]

Okay?

Oh, and no Jacob. He's not invited.

Oh, I-I'm not invited?

Now, our ice cube melted
and then turned into water,

but we left that water in
the sun, and then it evaporated.

Now, does anyone know...

[VOCALIZING "BLUEY" THEME SONG]

[GASPS] Bluey!

Huh? What?

What was that, Bluey?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Bluey, you so crazy.

Oh, Bluey is so funny.

But she said that she knows what state
the evaporated water is in.

Does anyone else?

Okay, Micah, come on up.

Now you know he don't know.

Okay, now, is the water a solid,

a liquid, or a gas?

Enh! Wrong.

Not quite, buddy.

But that's okay.

Thank you for trying.

Now, does anybody else
want to give it a go?

Mr. Eddie, you didn't send
anyone to my office today.

Oh, I feel like I got
the situation under control.

Well, you know you don't need
a misbehaving student

to stop by my office.
You could always just come say hi.

- And I'd have to be high to do that.
- Oop.

- Come on.
- Unh-unh.

I don't like this little duo at all.

Oh, Ava,

I forgot to drop off
that discipline report to you.

You are no longer speaking to work Ava.

You can drop it off at her desk
or speak to her tomorrow.

- How dare you.
- Oop.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] [CELLPHONE RINGS]

[CELLPHONE CLICKS] What up, Pops?

Yeah, of... of course. Of course.

I'm sorry, Lt. Colonel Father Sir.

So, this one was where Kristen, Marie

and I went to Disney World,
and if you look real close,

you can see there's a bump
on my forehead

where she slammed the door in my face.

Oh, this one... This is a sad day.

So this was when Kristin Marie
had to say goodbye to her cat.

She had the name changed
legally to Melissa

right before she put it down.

So... [GRUNTS]

Whoop! This one's very special.

This is me on Kristin Marie's
wedding day.

Oh, see, look... look at this.

Look how nice we used to get along.

Excuse me.

[SNIFFLES]