02x02 - Mama's Girl/Outcast Ashley

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wha!

Oh!

Ah!

[burps]

- C-?
- Hey, no fair, Miss Grotke.

I'm sorry, T. J., "a roller-coaster ride
I couldn't put down"

Is not a book report...
it's a cover blurb.

Ops. Heh heh heh.

- [bell rings]
- [all] Yeah!

[Spinelli] All right! Time for maul ball!

[Miss Grotke] Oh, miss Spinelli?

May I speak with you a moment?

Uh-oh, Spinelli, looks like
she's gonna give it to you again.

Want us to stick around for moral support?

Or character witnesses?

No, you guys go on ahead.
I can handle her.

- [sigh]
- What is it this time, Miss Grotke?

Another great job, Spinelli.

Your book report displays
a real inner sensitivity.

Yeah, well, you know that's what
I was sh**ting for.

I especially admired this passage:

"When the poor dog d*ed
of starvation at the end,

I was so choked-up,
I gave my bacon to Scruffy."

Oh, Spinelli, you are so
in tune with your feelings.

We libras are like that.

Uh, jeez, can I go now?

Sure, Spinelli, but don't forget this.

Ah, Miss Grotke, like always,
these little gal-to-gal chats

are just between you and me, right?

My lips are sealed.

Oh, and, Miss Grotke?

- Yes, Spinelli?
- Thanks.

Maul ball!

I got it! I got it.

- Hey! I got it!
- Oh!

Oh, why, why did I catch it?

It's a mystery, Gus,
but someone always does.

Hey, Spinelli, what happened?
Did Grotke give you detention?

Did she assign you a self respect mantra
for homework?

Did she say she was disappointed in you?

[all] Oh!

None of your beeswax!

Now, are we flapping our jaws,
or are we playing maul ball?

[all] Yay!

There goes one tough kid.

I'm proud to call her "friend."

[Spinelli] I got it, I got it!

[all] Huh!

Well, let's go dig her out.

You kids on the jungle gym... quiet down!

There's far too much giggling
coming from that quadrant.

[gasps]

Oh, no!

Look out, mama!

[echoing] Mama!

Huh?

Oh.

Spinelli just called Miss Grotke "mama."

[laughter]

[laughing] I didn't hear
Spinelli say anything funny.

What's so funny?

Now, stop it!

[laughing] Stop that laughing!

Stop... stop all that infernal...

Here you go. Just like mama makes.

Ha ha ha ha.

[laughter]

[coughing] Mama's girl. Mama's girl.

Called Miss Grotke mama.
If I were her,

I'd pull that horrible ski cap
over my face forever.

Hey, Spinelli, nice weather
we're having, huh?

All right, go ahead, say it!
You all want to!

I'm a mama's girl, right?!

- Oh, no way.
- We'd never say that.

It was a simple slip
of the tongue, Spinelli.

Consider the fact that
the word "mama"

and the usual apilation
for the female adults "ma'am,"

Are each made up of the same four letters.

I called my uncle Pete just plain "Pete"
once, talk about embarrassed.

Yeah, Spinelli, any kid
could have made the same mistake.

[laughing] It's just really funny
that it happened to you!

Unh! I don't need this!
I'm going home for lunch!

[birds chirping]

[bird chirping] Mommy!

- Mommy!
- [chirps]

- Mommy! Mommy, mommy, mommy!
- [chirps]

- [growls[
- [barks]

Mama's girl! Mama's girl!

- Mommy.
- Mama's girl!

Mama's girl!

Mama's girl!

Mama's girl!

"Ma... ma's... gril?"

- Mama's girl!
- No!

Mikey, I'm passing my abc gum on to you.

Keep adding to it.

It's halfway to a world record.

Gosh, Spinelli, I'll treasure it...
forever.

Come on, Spinelli,
aren't you overreacting just a bit?

Nope. I'm leaving and never coming back.

It's the only way.

Hey, it's not that bad.

Not that bad?
I'm the laughingstock of the playground.

I can't cross the lunchroom
without kids half my age giggling at me.

Used to be the name "Spinelli"
struck fear into kids' hearts.

Now it just squirts milk out their noses.

Teej, I know you always admired
my eraser indy car. It's yours.

I won't need it where I'm going.

But, Spinelli, you're nine years old.
Where you gonna go?

I don't know.

Someplace far, far away.

[sighs]

It ain't so bad out here.

Sure, it's cold and little lonely,
but I'm happy.

No one calls me "mama's girl."

Yoo-hoo, is mama's little girl
ready for school?

Ah!

[Spinelli's mom] It's time for school,
dear!

I'm not going! Go away!

[Spinelli's mom] Young lady,
you're gonna be late.

No, I'm not! I'll never be late again
because I'm not going to school ever!

Never, never, ever!

You can't make me! You can't make me!

You can't make me!

She made me.

Well, it happened... Spinelli's hit

what recovery professionals
call "rock bottom."

Why did it have to be Spinelli?

Why couldn't some other kid
have called a teacher "mama?"

Why? Why?

Wait a minute, Mikey.
You may have something there.

I do? All right!

Yeah, if we could get another kid
to accidentally call a teacher "mama --"

Then Spinelli wouldn't feel
like such a freak of nature!

- Exactly!
- That's crazy.

I mean, what other kid would worship
a teacher so much he'd call her "mama?"

I think I know just the guy.

OK, we made mud, now all we gotta do

is lure Finster into the puddle
with Randall nearby.

His weird affection for her
should make him call out

just like Spinelli did.

Can I just say once again,
this plan is nuts!

Gee, here comes Finster!

And, I saw Larry Smith,

aka Smitty, selling bubble gum
for a profit,

- and then --
- [ gasps ]

M-m-m-m-m-m-ma, ma, ma...

Randall, why are you blubbering
like a sick emu?

Oh!

Randall, you feeb!

Don't just stand there,
help me out of this mess.

[grunting]

Ha ha ha ha.
I told you that plan was crazy.

Bust-a-gut funny, but crazy.

OK, time for plan b.

Gus, you ready with that note?

"Call... me... daddy".

Here you go!

Hiya, Principle Prickly.

How's it hanging?

Hands off the sport coat, boy. It's silk.

Hi, Dubby.

Good morning, Dabby.

Howdy, Diddy.

Sorry, guys, I guess
I shouldn't have taken this chance

to practice my cursive.

There's gotta be some way
to get another kid

to call a teacher "mama."

Well, there is one thing we haven't tried.

Advertisers use subliminal messages
to communicate with consumers secretly.

The message is played at ultra-high speed

to hide a picture so it gets
inside your head,

and you don't even realize it.

Come on, Gretch, you expect us
to believe that?

How else do you explain your
rabid desire for wigger-diggers

despite their lack of flavor
or nutritional value?

- Good point.
- Let's do this thing.

Mama, daddy, mama, daddy,

[faster] Mama, daddy, mama, daddy,

mama, daddy, mama, daddy...

[high-pitched whirring]

Sounds like gerbils on helium.

That, or Spinelli's salvation.
Push the button, Vince.

[high-pitched whirring]

What is that infernal chirping?

The birds... they're planning something.

[high-pitched whirring]

The kindergartners must have given helium
to the gerbils again.

You know, life with you guys
is never boring.

Sh, you hear something?

[children chanting]
Mama! Daddy! Mama! Daddy...

[all] It worked!

[children chanting]
Mama! Daddy! Mama! Daddy! Mama! Daddy!

You OK, man?

As good as can be expected...

Considering my life's
like a Stephen King novel.

A roller-coaster ride I couldn't put down.

Oh, come on, Spinelli,
this is all gonna blow over eventually.

Sure, I'll bet everybody's
forgotten all about it by now.

I-I that's it!

I've had it, you punks!
I'm gonna cream every last one of you!

Miss Spinelli, would you please sit down?

Mm, an excellent drawing,
and I do applaud self-expression,

but people, this just isn't good karma.

This sort of satire is best used against,

oh, say,
a repressive totalitarian government.

You know, I was a child myself once.

I remember what it's like
the world can be a cruel place

people treating each other terribly
for no reason.

But it doesn't have to be that way not
if we look out for each other.

A little empathy on the playground,
a little consideration in the lunchroom

will go a long way toward making
our world a better place.

I mean, being a kid is hard enough

without kids being hard on each other,
right?

Doesn't anyone understand basically
where I'm coming from?

Uh, can I say something?

Yes, T. J.?

Well, I think I know
what you're getting at,

and, um, I just wanna say...

- [gulps]
- I agree... mama.

[everyone gasps]

Did you hear that?
He called Miss Grotke "mama!"

Now he's a mama's boy!

Teej, are you crazy?

It's the only way, Spinelli.

You've clarified the concept
for me as well, mama.

Yeah, mama, coming in loud and clear.

Sure, mama, whatever you say.

Me, too, mommy... I mean, "mama."

- Same here, mama!
- You got it, mama!

- Hey, mama!
- All right, mama!

[all talking]

[bell rings]

[all] Yay!

I don't know how to thank you
for standing up for me in there.

No problem, Spinelli.

[Gretchen] But thanks
to T. J.' s selfless actions,

kids everywhere may never again
be forced to stand and say,

"I am not a mama's girl."

Kids everywhere? Who cares about them?
There's only one thing I care about,

Spinelli is once again

the toughest kid
this school has ever seen.

Well, you wanted her back, and we got her.

[Gretchen] You know, there's one thing
I still don't understand.

Why did the subliminal message fail?

Works all the time for Madison Avenue.

[T. J.] Who knows, Gretchen? Who knows?

Well, so ends another day
filling the empty minds

of future generations.

- Good night, mama.
- Good night, daddy.

[T. J.] And then Eric ate
the whole worm... in one bite!

One bite? Oh, come on, that's not true.

It is, too. I know a kid whose
brother's friend saw it... live.

[all] Ew!

[gasps]

Gretchen, is that you?

T. J.? Ops, pardon me.

So, Gretch, what's with the box?

I'm using it to make a pinhole projector
so we can view the upcoming solar eclipse.

You can't look at an eclipse
with the naked eye, you know,

it would scorch your retina.

You need a special viewing apparatus

- [all sigh]
- like the one we're going to build...

Come on, we better get her to school.

...it's quite extraordinary...

[Gretchen talking indistinctly]

- Uh-oh.
- What is it?

Purple day.

- What's purple day?
- That.

It's the one day every year

when the Ashleys all wear purple,
and only purple.

Hey, second grader, nice ensemble.

- [all] Not!
- [laughter]

Purple day.

Just another dumb excuse
for them to pick on everyone.

Maybe they won't see me.

Hey, Grendler, nice box.

Trying to mail yourself to planet geekoid?

[laughing]

Where's Ashley A?
She knows it's purple day.

There she is!

- [all gasps]
- I am so upset.

Mummy had to wait
for an ambulance to go by.

I'm like, "hello, I'm late for..."

Like, what are you guys looking at?

No!

Ashley A, you have been accused
of high crimes

against the clique,
of forgetting purple day,

our most sacred fashion day of the year.

bigger than hat day, more important
than high-heel day...

even more hallowed than the week
of sparkling nail polish...

for purple day marks the anniversary
when all of us first realized...

we were Ashleys in the making.

Ew! As if.

I'm Ashley. What's your name?

Like, I'm Ashley, too.

No way, that's my name.
I totally can't believe this!

On that day, henceforth
known as "purple day,"

a clique was born.

We took an oath, swearing allegiance

dedicating ourselves to style
and beauty...

and, most importantly, promising
to wear purple on purple day.

But today you violated
that promise, Ashley A.

And when you did, you, like,
totally tainted the Ashley name.

Ashley A, you give us no choice.

I've got just three words to say to you...

I'm, like, so sure.

[all gasp]

Get ahold of yourself, Ashley A.

Daddy always said beauty, style,
and attitude would prevail.

You just need to find a new clique...

a better clique.

Hm, let's see what we have to work with.

Hi, there.

You know, your hair
would keep its shape better

if you used a little mousse.

Like, voilà!

Do me a favor... go away.

I mean, it's not like I need them.

I'm the one who always knows
what's coming into style.

I'm the one who always
starts the latest trends,

and I'm the one who gets
all the fashion channels.

Hello, are you guys even listening to me?

[echoing] Hello?

- [rumbling]
- Cave-in!

[all coughing]

She collapsed tunnel three!

We've been working on it
since first grade!

Great, fine, I'm going.

It was filthy down there anyway.

All we have to do it's poke a pinhole
in one side of the box

and cut a slat in the other.

The light shines through the pinhole
on the opposite side and.

and when you look through the slat,
you see the eclipse! Fun, huh?

Fun wasn't exactly the word
I was thinking of.

Look, Gretchen, building
a pinhole projector

doesn't really seem like recess.

I mean, it's schoolwork.

You mean, you don't want to help?

Well... anybody for dodge ball?

See ya!

[sighs]

I don't understand it!

There should be a line of kids
fighting to be my friend.

Ah... fashion gods must be testing me.

Hi, Gretchen, how's it going?

- Fine.
- Like, whatcha doing?

Making a pinhole projector.

You need any help?

Did you just ask to help me?

Um... yeah.

Well, OK.

Hand me that compass.

Anything else?

How 'bout that french curve?

Scissors... straight edge...

carbon paper...

Hey, Gretchen...

Yes, Ashley A?

- This is kind of fun, isn't it?
- Yeah, it kinda is.

[both] Weird.

Nutty glue... cellophane tape...

paper clips.

- You guys won't believe what I just saw!
- What?

Gretchen and Ashley A
walking to school together!

Yeah, right.

How many times do we gotta tell you, Gus?
Eating paste is bad for you.

- So the earth revolves around the sun?
- Exactly.

Huh. Daddy always said
the world revolved around me.

Uh-oh.

[Ashley B] I can't believe she's hanging
out with that loser geek.

Yeah, how could she stoop so low?

You'd think Gretchen
would have better taste.

You know, Gretchen should be our friend,

Not that disgusting Ashley A.'s.

You are so right, Ashley Q. Come on.

Hello, Gretchen, Gretchen's friend.

So, what's in the box?

A pinhole projector.

Ashley a. And I made it
so we could watch the eclipse tomorrow.

You children wouldn't understand.

[gasp] Oh, yeah,
well for your information,

we're totally into astrology.

Don't you mean astronomy?

Whatever. What's your sign, Gretchen?

Well, um, my birthday's March 23.

March 23? That makes you an aries.

- I'm a leo. We're totally compatible.
- We are?

I'm a gemini, and geminis
get along with aries even better.

- They do?
- Not as good as leos!

- I beg to differ.
- Maybe on your planet.

Oh, yeah?

[indistinct yelling]

Golly, I had no idea I was compatible
with so many people.

It's an Ashley epidemic!

Yeah, and Gretchen's caught the bug.

Alas, poor Gretchen. I knew her well.

Hay, don't worry, guys. I got something
no kid can resist.

So, it's, like, all of us
after school at the mall?

That is, like, so totally brilliant,
Gretchen.

But Gretchen aren't you forgetting
grasshopper, formaldehyde... we had plans!

Don't worry, I'm sure I
can squeeze everyone in.

Hey, Gretchen, come on!

T. J. Set off a stink b*mb
in Prickly's office!

Sorry, guys, I'm, like, totally booked.

This is a lot more rare
than a solar eclipse.

Oh, so many friends, so little time.

Friends? Gretchen, those girls
aren't your friends.

They're Ashleys! We're your friends.

Oh, really?
Who helped me build my pinhole projector?

Who shares my interest
in science and astronomy?

You guys? Not!

She's right. She's right!

[bell rings]

Like, voilà!

Oh, Gretchen, I can't get over
how much better

your pinhole thingy looks in pink.

Like I always say, there's no reason
science can't be color-coordinated.

Well, I should have known.

Holding the eclipse without me,
are you?

Well, actually, we were just --

You promised to do it with me,
not with these fashion rejects.

Fashion rejects? If that isn't suede
calling the vinyl déclassé.

Let's go, Gretchen. We can have
the eclipse at my house after school.

- No, you don't understand.
- Forget her, Gretchen.

Come to my house,
and we'll have an eclipse slumber party.

Oh, that's very nice, but I --

- My house!
- My house!

Ashley A, Ashley B, please!

Hey, Gretchen, you'll never guess what --

- [gasp]
- Oh, no, they're gonna rip her in two!

- She's mine!
- She's mine!

- She's mine!
- Ah! Of!

[all gasp]

Like, oh, my gosh.

Oh, no, look what you've done!

All my planning, all my hard work, ruined!

Like, have a cow.

Please, it was just a box.

Yeah, it's not like
there was anything in it,

like makeup or jewelry or... or...

[both] Shoes!

Did you just say, "shoes?"

I, like, totally can't believe it.

That's just what I was thinking.

Well, you know what they say...
great minds shop alike.

Truer words were never spoken.

Oh, Ashley A, we've missed
your advanced sense of style.

I'm sorry I called
you all fashion rejects.

Let's promise never to fight again, OK?

- OK.
- [laughing]

[all] Scandalous!

I-I can't believe it!

- Gretch, are you OK?
- No, I'm devastated.

We're really sorry
about your pinhole projector.

- [sighs]
- It's not that. It's worse.

I mean, all my life
I wondered what it would be like

to be a popular kid.

And then it happened!

These last four days
I was adored by everyone.

I guess I kinda got carried away.

And now, thanks to that, I've wrecked
the one thing I wanted most.

You mean, to see the eclipse?

No, to have you guys as my friends.

I'm sorry, guys.
I should never have taken you for granted.

Hey, come on, Gretch.
We were the ones who acted like jerks.

- And beside --
- Look!

[everyone gasps]

[ yelling ]

[ gasps ]

Great teacher in sky has tooken big sun,
make day go night-night.

[yelling]

Oh, well, here it comes.

Maybe if I eat right and exercise,
I'll live to see the next total eclipse...

In 122 years.

But why do you have to miss this one?

- [gasps]
- Is that what I think it is?

We made it ourselves.

Yeah, we wanted to share
the experience with you.

But how...

You left your plans
in the Ashley clubhouse.

Those girls should think about
installing some sort of security sistem.

Oh! It's working!

[all] Whoa!

[Mickey] Whoa!

[Gretchen] Isn't it beautiful?

[T. J.] It sure is, Gretchen.
It sure is.

[bell rings]