02x08 - Operation Stuart/Pharaoh Bob

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wah!

Oof!

Ah!

[fizzing]

[burp]

[Hank] Stinkin' trash.

Maybe Prickly ought to try taking it out

the morning after Sloppy Joe Day.

Hmm. Somebody
left the lid off of this thing.

[whistling]

[rattling]

[Vince] Oh, yea? Well, I say Dracula
is the scariest monster of all time.

Dracula? Are you kidding?
He bites your neck, you live forever.

Now, Frankenstein gets a hold of you,
you're a goner.

Sure, but how do you get caught

by the slowest monster in history?

Ask the villagers. Oh, wait. You can't.

They were all ripped to shreds.

What about the werewolf?

Werewolf is Dracula!

Hello? Flying monkeys.

Stop it, guys. You're scaring me.

Oh, come on, Gus! They're not real.

There's no such thing
as monsters or ghoulies

or things that go bump in the night.

[yowling]

And what about things
that go bump in the day?

Oh, I didn't hear any scary noises
coming from that trash can,

let's get out of here.

[T.J.] No, wait. There it was again.

Hold me, T.J. I'm scared!

Oh, brother! Move aside, you wimps.

Don't do it, Spinelli.
You could get your guts torn out

or your face sucked off, or... Or--

Gus, please. Spinelli is right.
There's no such thing as--

-[yowling]
-Monster!

[Spinelli grunts]

[Mikey] Hey, it's a kitty.

-[meowing]
-Isn't he cute?

Cute? He's hosting a bug convention.

Hey, Mikey, I think he likes you.

And I like him, too. He's my friend.

I'm going to name him...
Fer... Fuh... Stuart.

Yeah, that's it, Stuart the cat.

Stuart?

-[Gus] Hey, Stuart.
-Hi, Stuart.

-[C.J.] Nice to meet you, man.
-Yo, Stewie.

Oh, brother.

How do we know
he doesn't belong to somebody?

Elementary guess. He'd have a collar,
not to mention a bath.

Hey, I got an idea.

Now he belongs to us.

We can take him everywhere we go.

Great. Only how are we gonna explain him
to Miss Grotke?

Oh, I see what you mean.

Why can't we just leave him here?

You know, see Stuart
when we come out to recess?

And what if Hank finds him?

He'll turn him in to the office
and they'll send him to the pound,

and you know what happens there.

Yeah, cats check in,
but they don't check out.

[bell rings]

We gotta do something, you guys.

[C.J.] OK, stick Stuart in here,
and let's go.

It's gonna be OK, little buddy.

You're with friends now.

[meowing]

-[yowling]
-In order to explain global warming,

I've drawn this simple diagram.

This is the sun, these are the sun's rays,

and these
are all the little ozone molecules

being eaten up by fluorocarbons
produced by evil industrialists.

That's really the problem.

This little drawing represents the smoke
that comes from coal...

[purring]

Mikey!

Keep the desk closed.

OK, OK, don't worry.

[Miss Grotke] ...And this little cow
represents the Brazilian beef concerns.

For billions of years, the sun's rays

have been bombarding the planet--

[yowling]

[Miss Grotke] Mikey, what's wrong?

-[growling]
-Just a little gas, Miss Grotke.

But I feel better now.

Good. Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

The evil corporate polluters. Anyway...

[Stuart growling]

You OK, man?

[groaning] No.

[Miss Grotke] ...And since
the sun's rays are hot...

No!

I've gotta do something!

[bell rings]

Well, it seems I've really inspired
some action today...

I think.

Stuart! Stuart!

He could be in trouble, guys.

Oh, why did I open that desk? Why?

Don't worry, Mikey. We'll find him.
Vince, you and Gus go this way.

Gretchen, you and Mikey go that way.

Spinelli, you're with me.

[sighs] I knew that cat
was gonna be trouble.

[chuckles] Cats? Ain't no money in cats.

However, I am running a special
on cat food.

Check it out.

You fiend!

Don't worry, fishies. I'll be back
to free you later.

I charge bleeding hearts extra!

-I gotta look under the hat.
-I'm afraid that is quite impossible.

Spinelli.

Wait! I do not condone v*olence.
Especially against myself!

Candy bars? Winger-dingers?

Come on.

Man cannot live on tofu alone!

Hey, Sam,

these guys want to see the cat we found!

[Sam] Sure! Where did I put it?

Oh, yeah, here he is.

Ain't she a beaut?

Um, that's not exactly
what we had in mind.

-No luck here.
-Us, neither.

Where, oh, where can my little cat be?

[Ashley A.] Oh! What a cute little baby!

[the Ashleys squeal and giggle]

You don't think...

Is he not, like, full-on adorable?

A total baby!

Like, goo-goo, gaga.

[growling]

I wonder if he wets.

Good, sweet Mike!
What have you done to him?

Like, have a cow. He's our cat.

[Spinelli] Your cat? He's ours.

-Is not!
-Is too!

-Is not!
-Is too!

[yowling]

-[Ashley Q.] Is not!
-[Spinelli] Is too!

-Is not!
-Is too!

-Is not!
-Is too!

-Is too!
-Is not!

Look!

Now look what you've done!

Us? Why you little--

There's no time for that now. Come on.

[screeching]

Hey, a cat! Oof!

[screeches]

[meows]

Kitty.

Yum.

Great. We lost him again.

And whose fault is that?

Alright, powderpuff. That's it!

-[drums b*ating]
-Wait. You guys hear that?

-Drums.
-It's the kindergartners.

What are they saying?

According to my research
on the primitive grades,

I'd say the drums
are announcing snack time.

Uh-oh.

Snack time? All right!

I hope they save some for me.

[kindergartners] Kitty! Kitty!

Kitty! Kitty!

Kitty! Kitty!

Kitty! Kitty!

Milk. Cookie. Eat!

Kitty! Kitty!

Just what I thought.
They're fattening him up.

Fattening him up?
Why would they want to do that?

Oh, no! They're gonna eat Stuart!
I gotta save him!

Mikey, don't!

Spinelli, wait.
We can't afford to lose both of you.

[Mikey] Kindergartners!

Oh, big kid.

Real big.

Hey, Tubby, that your daddy?

I come in peace.

He giant king of big kid land.

[kindergartners] Oh!

Ahh!

Oh!

Ahh!

If I weren't seeing it with my own eyes,
I'd never believe it.

That's it! I'm getting our cat.

But, Spinelli...!

Our two peoples have much in common.

Like a love of cute, furry animals and...

[gasps]

Spinelli, no!

-[yowling]
-You big dope! I almost had him!

Stuart, wait!

Get that cat!

Wait for me!

Tubby, your daddy bad.

-Get him!
-[shouting]

[meowing]

[shouting]

Oh, no. That's Principal Prickly's office.

If he catches Stuart,

who knows
what cruel, vicious things he'll do?

[Prickly] Ah! A cat! Get it away from me!
Get it away from me!

To the front door!

[shouting]

[Prickly] Miss Lemon! Miss Lemon!
I'm being att*cked!

Quick! Get animal control on the phone!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do this, do that.

Why can't they leave an old lady alone?

Oh, what's Prickly yelling about now?

-[yowling]
-[Prickly] Get that cat, Finster!

Animal control is on their way!

[screeches]

[shouting]

Why sloppy Joes? Why not tidy Joes?

[Prickly] Hank!
Hank, stop that feline miscreant!

-Huh?
-The cat.

Pull that dumpster away
so we can get that cat!

[Mikey] Wait!

Please, please, just leave
the poor guy alone.

Leave him alone? Are you crazy?

You don't understand, Principal Prickly.

Stuart's not just a cat.
He's a living being.

He's got rights and feelings
just like we do.

[meows]

I mean, just because he's small
and we're big

doesn't mean we have the right
to treat him like a toy.

We ought to be ashamed of ourselves,

jamming him into backpacks,
dressing him up like a doll,

Chasing him, even trying to eat him.

But we not eat kitty. We feed him.

We love kitty.

You do? Oh, well, that changes everything.

Hank, move the dumpster.

No!

[C.J.] Hey! No fair!

[shouting]

Let him live in peace!

[gasping]

Well, I'll be.

[meowing]

Look, kittens!

Well, what do you know? Stuart's a Stella.

What? Kittens? I-I don't understand.

There was just one, and now there's--

[man] Alright, people. Move aside.

Prickly, we're with animal control.

It's about time you people got here.

Been a busy day, pops.

So where's this rabid feline
you called about?

Principal Prickly, you can't do this!

Quiet, boy!
That filthy creature agitated my work,

destroyed school property,
and put the whole student body

at risk of cat-scratch fever.

And?

He... jumped over that fence
behind the ball diamond.

Ten minutes ago. Now go get him.

[scoffs] You kidding?
We ain't jumping no fences.

If he's gone, he's gone.

Come on, Lars. It's doughnut time.

Well, don't just stand there, Finster.
These kittens need milk.

Hank, have we got
some old blankets around?

The poor little things look cold.

[everyone] Yay!

Well, guys, it couldn't have turned out
any better than this.

Yeah, since the vet says
the kittens are old enough to be weaned,

Those little Stuarts and Stellas
will never be lonely again.

Oh, Muffin, you are so totally an autumn,
just like me.

[Finster] Does mommy wuv her wittle baby?
Oh, yes, she does. Oh, yes, she does.

Look at this little guy, Finster.

He's a genius, I tell you,
a little genius.

[Mikey] Don't worry, girl.

They're all going to nice homes.
Especially you.

You're coming with me.

-[meowing]
-What´s that, girl?

[meows]

Well, OK, but just this once.

-[Mikey grunts]
-[Stella growling]

[groaning] Stop it! That hurts!

Oh! Ah!

[grunting]

[shouting]

Why? Why?

[Mikey] King Bob,
you've got to stop the madness.

No. Let them continue. It amuses me.

Ow! Ow! My arm! My arm!

Sorry, man. You OK?

[grunting]

[King Bob] Halt! Stop the contest.
You pulled a fake-out.

That violates the no faking-out law

as instituted by King Wally.

King who?

King Wally...

from five years ago
when I was in first grade?

Doesn't anyone remember King Wally?

-Nope.
-I don't think so.

Never heard of him.

Short kid, red hair,
ruled with an iron fist?

Between King Al and King Chuck?

Al? Chuck? Who are they?

Come on! It was under the Chuckianic code
that kindergartners

were granted full rights
on the playground.

It was at the Third Street Convention
that King Al hammered out

the international laws for slaughter ball,

protecting the human rights of every kid.

How could you forget them?

[bell rings]

[confused muttering]

-There were other kings?
-[Gretchen] I never knew that.

Go figure.

Nobody remembers Wally, or Chuck, or Al?

Don't feel bad, Your Highness.

After all, you're the king now.

Yeah, but those guys were great kings.

They changed recess forever.

And if no one remembers them,

why would anyone ever remember me?

[teacher] This is the fertile Nile Delta,

A narrow strip of green
surrounded by desert.

Here arose the most powerful empire
of the ancient world, the Egyptians.

Their ruler was the pharaoh,
an all-powerful king

whom the people considered a god.

But the pharaohs had one problem,

how could they make sure
they'd never be forgotten?

The answer? They built these.

The great pyramids
which we still marvel at today.

Because of these great monuments,

the pharaohs will be remembered forever.

Pyramids... remembered... forever.

After over 4,000 years,
we still know their names--

Ramses, Amenhotep...

Bob.

Gathering of the grades!
Gathering of the grades!

Move it, you kids! Let's go!

I don't like the sound of this.

Yeah, King Bob hasn't called
a gathering of the grades

since he instituted the gum tax.

Don't remind me. Every time I buy a pack,

it's four pieces for him and one for me.

Kids of the playground, I, your king,
have decided to undertake

the most ambitious project

In the history of the playground.

To build a pyramid as a monument
to me and my benevolence.

-Huh?
-What?

-What's benevolence?
-[confused conversations]

Oh, man, he's gotta be kidding.

Actually,
it's kind of an interesting idea.

I mean, throughout history,
people have sought immortality

through great public works

like Mount Rushmore or Hoover Dam--

Or those giant dinosaurs
they built by the freeway.

[Spinelli] Dinosaurs?
You know? The more I hear about this,

the more I like it.

The building of this pyramid
marks the beginning

of King Bob's reign
of a thousand semesters.

Every kid on the playground
will need to help.

And we'll need a master builder,
someone with brain power,

someone with superior knowledge
of physics and engineering,

-someone like, uh...
-Gretchen Grundler.

-Gretchen Grundler!
-Me, Your Majesty?

-You.
-My own pyramid. Wow.

I'd like every book
you have on ancient Egypt.

Again?

Well, you know, I haven't read them over
since first grade.

[Gretchen] So you see, Your Highness,
the ideal building material is limestone,

but by the time we quarry the stones,

drag them here, build the pyramids,

You'll be approximately,
well, 143 years old.

What? There must be a faster way.

Well, we could always make the bricks
out of mud, but they might not hold up--

Mud it is.

So shall it be written,
so shall it be done.

[murmuring]

Man, this is a blast.
Digging in the mud, making bricks.

Gotta admit, Teej, there's nothing
like getting good and filthy.

I don't know, you guys.

I'm not supposed
to get my school clothes messed up.

Do what I do, Gus,
turn your clothes inside out.

Your mom will never know.

[Egyptian music playing]

[clanging]

-I'm hungry.
-I'm tired.

My back hurts.

Hey, it's been four days of this.
I think it's time for a break.

How about a little kickball?

[everyone] Yeah!

[cheering]

[Gretchen] Well, your majesty,
according to my schedule,

by the end of recess today,
we should be right about... here.

Hey! Where are my workers?

Um... I think they're over there,
Your Highness.

[laughter and chattering]

This is an outrage! What about my pyramid?

It's a problem, Your Majesty.
If we don't stay on schedule,

we won't finish
until you're in junior high.

Well, they'll just have to get back
to work, then, won't they?

I'm afraid it's a little more complicated
than that.

You see, all the workers are volunteers.

And If they don't feel like working--

Then I'll make them work!

[King Bob] It has come to my attention

that yesterday
you slackers shirked responsibilities,

playing kiddie games
while the pyramid remained unbuilt.

Well, we are not amused.

From now on, there will be zero tolerance

for anyone found playing
instead of working.

[murmuring]

[King Bob] And that's not all.
From this day forward,

we shall no longer be called King Bob,

but instead, Pharaoh Bob
the first, the magnificent.

[muttering]

So shall it be written,
so shall it be done.

Uh-oh.

[Egyptian music playing]

[gasps]

[groaning]

[screams]

[moaning]

[bell rings]

[groaning]

Oh, man, this really womps.

Yeah, my mom says
if I get my school clothes muddy

one more time, I'm grounded for a week.

Maybe Gretchen could help us.

You kidding?
She's so into this pyramid thing,

she's forgotten who we are.

[Gretchen] Let's go! Come on!
Speed it up, you slackers!

You gotta talk to her, Teej,
she'll listen to you.

Hey, you, watch that keystone!

And you two,
get more grass in those bricks!

Uh, Gretchen,
can we talk to you for a minute?

I'd love to chat, T.J.,

but I'm pretty busy right now.
Hey, watch that primitive lever!

Gretchen, we're all exhausted.

Look, no one said it was gonna be easy,
but we are doing something great here.

Kids will be talking about this
when we're in ninth, maybe tenth grade.

Think of it as a labor of love.

Hey, that's not how you use a fulcrum!

Labor of love?

[scoffs] Yeah, right.

Love for her, labor for us.

[boy] You lot, back to work!

[sighs]

Ah! My new shirt!

-Hey, get to work!
-Oof!

Ah! My mom's gonna k*ll me!

Aw, too bad. Now start digging!

All right, that's it. Hey, you!

Leave my friend alone!

Oh, yeah? Who's gonna make me?

I am!

Why, you little...

[gulps]

I'm telling King Bob on you!

[Spinelli] That's Pharaoh Bob, you maroon!

[everyone] Yeah!

I've had enough of this, haven't you?

[everyone] Yeah!

Enough of working under the hot sun.

Enough of digging mud and making bricks!

We only get 40 precious minutes
of recess a day.

And I, for one, am gonna spend them
the way I want! Now, who's with me?

[cheering]

No more mud! Pharaoh Bob's a dud!

[everyone] No more mud!
Pharaoh Bob's a dud!

No more mud! Pharaoh Bob's a dud!

[in the distance] No more mud!

Oh, the sound of happy workers.

Say, what is that song
they're singing, anyway?

It's kind of catchy.

I don't think
that's a song, Your Highness.

Oh, great pharaoh!
There's a rebellion on the pyramid!

Well, quell it!
Do I have to do everything around here?

No more work! Pharaoh Bob's a jerk!

-No more work!
-In the name of Pharaoh Bob,

I order you to halt!

Hey!

Get 'em!

[shouting]

Trouble in sector... 12.

We've had enough! Bring out the hose.

The hose on your own people?

Pharaoh Bob, please,
if anyone understands your dream, it's me.

But the kids have made it clear
we've gone too far.

Nonsense! Get the hose now!

That's it. I quit.

Fine! Henchman?

Be sure to get the master builder
really wet.

Spinelli, watch the left flank!

Vince, go help those third graders!

[Gretchen] Hey, T.J.,
where's the best mud?

Gretchen, I knew you wouldn't let us down.

[Gus] Look!

It's the hose!

Ready, aim, fire!

[rumbling]

For liberty!

[grunts] Why, you little...

Hey, was that a raindrop?

Hey, it's raining.

Yeah, it is.

Look, the pyramid!

Oh, my gosh! It's, like, melting.

My pyramid! No!

I tried to tell you you shouldn't build
a pyramid out of mud, but--

My legacy! My crowning achievement!

It was supposed to last
a thousand semesters,

and now it's gone.

All gone!

[birds chirping]

I just wanted to be remembered.

I know, Bob,
but the thing is, great leaders

aren't remembered
for the things they built.

They're remembered for the things they do.

I mean, do you recall the time
Gus got stuck in that tree,

and you organized a ladder
of first graders to get him down?

Not really.

How about the time the Ashleys
got in that big fashion fight,

and you served as judge to restore peace?

Yeah. Kinda.

Those are the things
you're going to be remembered for,

not because of some giant mound of mud.

Gee, Grundler, maybe you're right.

But it's too late now.

I've failed my subjects.
They'll never follow me again.

Trust the kids, Bob.

Give them back their recess,
and they'll return to you.

Hmm. Trust the kids.

It's so crazy, it just might work.

Kids of the playground, I come before you

to explain why I've been acting
so nuts lately.

The fact is I just wanted you guys
to remember me after I was gone.

But what use is it being remembered

If your subjects didn't even like you
to begin with?

Anyhow, I guess I just got carried away.

And, well, what I'm trying
to say is I'm sorry.

-[murmuring]
-Sorry? Sorry?

After enslaving us
and making us work in the hot sun

and sending your guards
on us with that big hose?

You say you're sorry?
Why should we forgive you?

I'll repeal the gum tax.

All hail King Bob!

[cheering]

I proclaim that no pyramid
shall ever be built

on this playground again!

[cheering]

And I will no longer be known
as Pharaoh Bob,

but simply as regular old King Bob.

And no more of this referring to myself
In the first person plural.

And no more forcing kids to do stuff
they don't want to do.

So shall it be written, so shall it be...

Aw, heck, just have fun.

[cheering]

[bell ringing]