01x05 - It Came on a Field Trip; Educational Television

[bunniefuu]

Male announcer: And now,
nickelodeon and dreamworks'

Monsters vs. Aliens.

- ♪ mva ♪

♪ mva ♪

- ♪ monsters vs. Aliens ♪

♪ it's us vs. Them

♪ foe vs. Friend

♪ brain vs. B.O.B.

- ♪ it's a super-freaky job

- Oh, yeah,
it's freaky.

- ♪ mva ♪

- ♪ monsters vs. Aliens ♪

- [cackles]
- ♪ monsters vs. Aliens ♪

♪ monsters vs. Aliens ♪

♪ mva ♪

- sightings
in one month.

Seems we've got us
an unidentified alien

In the pacific northwest,

And I want answers.

- The letter "h."

Thomas alva edison.

- Answers to the alien problem,
b.O.B.

- Don't worry, general.

Team monster is ready
to kick alien butt,

And we're happy
to start with this one.

- [scoffs]
good luck finding my buttock.

You think it's here,

But in alien anatomy,
who knows?

Maybe it's on my foot.
[chuckles]

- Knew it!

- [teasing]

- Ew!

Get your foot-butt
out of my face, coverton.

- Stand down, both of you!

Coverton's our insider.

He can smooth over
first contact

With the extraterrestrial

And/or annihilate it.

Either way, I'm good.

- I always thought
that was his butt.

- 'tis not!

[squirrels chattering]

- Okay, guys,
mission is a go.

Link, you're on point.

If you see anything,
give the signal.

- Signal.

[high-pitched whirring]

- Okay, what do we got?

- It's small, fast,

And it appears
to be stalking us.

Yes, definitely stalking us.

- Heads up.

I just laid a candy trail

To lure the sucker
out in the open.

Then we can--
- [screams excitedly]

Guys, I found wild candy!

[munching loudly]

Oh, this is so much better
when it's free-range.

[munching loudly]

[high-pitched whirring]

- Soldiers, set your attitudes
to gluteus kickiness.

[shouts]

- What a professional abduction!

Big fan of your work!

- It's getting away!

- Let me go!

That is an order!
I will--

- We're losing ground.

- I did mention
it was fast.

- B.O.B., slingshot express.

- On it.

- Who's going in?

Eeny, meeny, miny, coverton!

- [grumbling]

[screams]

Crash!

- Hello, first contact.

- [groaning]

- Where is the alien?

- Is it invisible?

[shouting]

You can't dodge forever,
camouflalien.

[shouts]

- Underneath.

- Okay, no matter what
comes out from under there,

We go fast, we go strong,
we go big.

[high-pitched whirring]

- Please step with caution.

I am very small
and damageable.

All: Aw.

- You're not gonna hurt anyone,
are you,

You adorable little cutie?

[giggles]
do you have a name?

- I am called sqweep.

All: Aw.

- Sqweep.
Oh, it's just fun to say.

Sqweep.

Hi.

[babbling]

- May I remind you monsters

That this cutie, sqweep,

Has your commanding officer
dressed up

Like a merry christmas goose?

- Apologies if my energy ropes
discomforted you.

I merely did not wish
to have my gluteus kicked,

As per your order.

- How dare you, sir?

- Today you are the monster.

Which means I am the general.

[as monger]
you are all dismissed!

[as self]
we're dismissed?

I'm gonna hunt more candy.
[chuckles]

- Fine.
I promise not to hurt the kid.

[device beeps]

- Oh, please.

One cute face,
and you all drop your guard?

The child could be the vanguard
of a global invasion.

I demand you surrender
all of your conquest plans

Complete with any breakthroughs
in human enslavement.

Come. Come.
Hand them to coverton.

[cackles]

- But my mission is peaceful.

- Boring.

- I'm on an earth studies
field trip.

- Field trip?
Like school?

- Precisely.

I'm researching a report

On this planet's
dominant species.

- A researcher!
How darling!

Does dr. Cockroach
need to help

With all the tricky-wicky
data analysis?

- Unnecessary.

The finished report
is already loaded

Onto this information pod.

All that remains
is to transmit it

From the communication console
on my ship.

- Aww, even the ship is cute!

- I made a very thorough study.

Strengths, weaknesses,

Vulnerabilities,

Population centers,

A complete breakdown
of government

And m*llitary units,

And how to defeat them.

- If that kid's report
fell into the wrong hands,

Tentacles, or crab-like pincers,

It would be the groundwork
for an invasion!

- Yes, I suppose
that is true.

- Sorry,
but the general's right.

We can't let you transmit that.

It's too dangerous
for the earth.

- I am also sorry,

But this report is /
of my earth studies grade.

Any risk to my perfect
grade point average

Will be countered
most severely.

- [laughs]
what you got there, kid?

Bug spray?
- Pest repellant.

Zap!

- [shouts]

- I never fail.

- Code red, monsters!

Intercept that report!

- On it!

- So very on it.

[cackles]

- Ha-ha!

Ha, ha.

Susan, I forgot
how to be a solid.

- [grunts]
what in--

Dr. Cockroach,
what are you doing to my ride?

- Combination afterburners
and homing function, general.

You are now locked on
to the alien child's form

At extra maximum speed.

- [shouts]

- I'm sorry
for any inconvenience

To your faces.

- You're in over your head, kid.

I have decades
of combat training

And the speed
of a barracuda.

- I have bees.

- [screams]

- [grunts]

- Game over, sqweep.

Just hand over the report,
and we can--

[both shout]

- What?

You tripped
the large-sized female?

- We are fellow aliens
on a strange planet

And therefore
natural best friends.

Why, I could even help
protect your information pod.

[laughs]

- Unnecessary.

But I am very pleased
to be your new best friend.

- Best friends share.

That's how you know
they're best friends,

The sharing.

Bfs!

[device whirring]

- Sweet rhubarb pie!

We're too late!

- Not yet.

[women screaming]

Behold, a jamming device
so powerful,

It will not only
block out transmission

Of sqweep's report.

It will flash-fry
the data forever!

[laughs]

[thunder crashing]

[device whirring]

[computer beeping]

[w*apon whirring]

[loud zapping]

- Science is my
favorite subject too.

Would you like me to teach you
how to be better at it?

- I'm beginning
to despise that child.

- Begin report transmission.

- Squirrels,

Earth's fluffy puppet masters.

- Um, well...

- [chuckling]
squirrels.

- Um, sqweep, what is this?

- My report
on earth's dominant species.

- And you think that species
is the squirrel?

[computer whirring]

[both laughing]

- Wow.
Really?

- Clearly, it's squirrels.

Their leaping, foraging,

And fluffiness skills
are superior.

- It's called science, people.

- Their language is too complex
to completely decode,

But I am certain
they are secretly running

Every major world organization.

[both laughing]

- Be nice.

- Little alien,
I assure you it's us humans

Who dominate this planet.

- Humans?

- Unfortunately, yes.

- [shouts]

- Report interrupted.

- Please ignore transmission.

Will submit project later.

Hugs.
Sqweep.

[sighs]

- Wait.
"will submit project later"?

- It is / of my grade.

I must stay
and redo my report

With humans this time.

- What makes you think
I'd allow an alien

To run willy-nilly
over my terra firma?

- I think I have already proven
that you cannot stop me.

- Can.
- Cannot.

- Yes, I can.
- Enough!

You want to stay here,

You will operate
under my supervision

Out of our base
at area -something.

- What?

- We're bringing in
another alien?

- I like to keep
my friends close

And my aliens closer.

- I accept,

And I already have
a best friend.

- [shudders]

- You're gonna want
to wash that hand.

- Then welcome aboard, sqweep.

Soldiers, return to base.

- But, general,
the child is a menace.

Show-off.

- Are all earth creatures
this jealous

Of superior intelligence?

I should know this
for my report.

- I am not jealous.

[squirrels chattering]

- [laughs]

Both: Lazy Saturday.

- Where's the remote?

- Face fishing!

[gags]

[television beeping]

- No.

- "no signal."

Oh, is that a cop show?

- It can't be.

- More no signal.

Man, this show is on,
like, every channel.

- B.O.B., I think--
I think the cable's out.

[creaking]

We have no tv.

No tv, b.O.B.!

- Hmm.

[screaming]

- This is an epic
boredom crisis.

The very survival
of lazy Saturday

Is at stake.

- [screams]

What do we do?

- We find something fun, pronto!

- This is gonna be awesome!

- Yeah, try not to talk.

Throws off the aim a little bit.

- I'll try, but, you know,
you know my mouth.

I mean, sometimes
it just does stuff

And I don't even realize it.

Oh, there it goes again!

Bad mouth!

[babbling]

- This activity
has a . % chance

Of catastrophic damage.

- % chance of don't care.

- I merely wish
to record the results

For my earth studies report.

I have a section

On your planet's
substandard intelligence.

- Whoa, kid.

There's nothing sub
about earth intelligence.

- My mouth got free again!
[grunts]

- The cable's out.

You take away a man's tv,
stuff's gonna happen.

- Fascinating.

And what would happen
if he had television back?

- You have tv?
- Gimme.

- Gimme!
- So bored!

- Please gimme!
- Alien satellite television.

It is not the premium package,

So I only receive
trillion channels.

[both babbling]
- ...

- Would you like to borrow it?

I'm confident
your tiny earth minds

Will benefit
from my educational television.

- Hold up.

Educational television?

You know that learning and fun
are enemies in the wild, right?

- Well, if you don't want it...

- trillion channels?

- From different galaxies.

- We'll take our chances.

[both laugh]

Space jail.

Martian martial arts mayhem.

- Ooh, this one's
just stuff exploding.

- And that's the actual title,
just stuff exploding.

I got to tell you, sqweep,

This does not sound
like brain food.

- I assure you--
- shh, shh, shh, shh.

Tv talking now.

- And here's more
of theta quadrant's

Painfulest home videos.

Clang!
- Ooh, my gleentorgs!

- [laughs]
right in the gleentorgs.

- I love educational television.

- Kiss me, omeganaught!

Kiss me with each
of your seven mouths.

[loud smooching]

- Officer zankar- , stand down.

You can't parachute
from space jail!

It's in space!

- But I'm a loose cannon, chief.

And it's the only way to save
the galactic emperor's baby.

- Do it!
- Do it, zankar!

- Zankar!

- Deploy space-chute in three,

Two--

[tv beeping]

- Hey!
- Tv!

- Continue watching,
yes or no?

- [stammering]
yeah!

Continue watching!

- Think of
the galactic emperor's baby!

- One plus one equals...

- Hey--
what--

Hey, what's wrong
with your tv?

- Nothing.

It is a perfectly functioning
educational television.

- Yeah, maybe it's
my earth intelligence,

But on this planet,
educational tv

Means puppets
teaching the alphabet

Or songs about washing
your hands after you tinkle.

- Uh, whoa, whoa,

We're supposed to do what
after what?

- Well, you can finish
the chips.

- [gulps]

- Well, on my planet,

Educational television
is a device.

In order to continue watching,

You must answer
an academic question.

- But that's like work!

On lazy Saturday?

Oh, what is wrong with you?

- Easy, b.O.B.

You know, whatever.

As long as there's still tv,

I can handle
some simple math.

One plus one equals--

- Mushroom.
- Seriously?

- That answer is wrong!

[loud zapping]

- What was that?

- Paincentive,
a registered alien trademark.

- It's also a registered
butt mark.

- Every time
you get a question wrong,

There will be
another sonic blast

To remind you
to be smarter.

- Identify the shape.

- Big boom
for every wrong answer, huh?

You thinking
what I'm thinking, buddy?

- The shape is a no-angle?

- That answer is wrong!

[loud zapping]

- Cool!

- Yeah!

Take that, books!

This is way better
than regular tv.

Come on, b.O.B.
Let's go have some fun.

- What?

- You are thirsty.

Do you need a glass of water
or a campfire?

- I'm deferring to b.O.B.

- Does the campfire
have any juice boxes?

- That answer is wrong!

[loud zapping]

- Yeah!
- All right!

- What are you doing?

This is not improving
your earth intelligence.

- I'm smart enough
to know I'm not bored anymore.

- "e" equals mc boom.

[both laugh]

[high-pitched whirring]

- What sound does a cow make?

- None.
It's in stealth mode.

- Why would a cow
be in stealth mode?

- Ask her.

She's the one
wearing cowmaflage.

- [sighs]
that answer is wrong!

[both whooping]

- You are mocking
the educational process.

This experiment--
[shouts]

Both: Ha!

- Oh, nothing much.

Just chilling, plotting evil,
you know?

How's your day?

- Duck.

D-o-zero-q?

- Wrong!

[loud zapping]

- [screams]

[groans]

- Surprise!

- You are disappointing
the entire universe.

- Wrong!
[loud zapping]

[muffled music playing]

- Cupcakes.
- Wrong!

[loud zapping]

- Anything important broken?

- Not yet.

- Are you going to do nothing
about this?

- Shh.
Lazy Saturday.

- But--

- Wrong!

[expl*si*n]

- [shouts]

[repeated loud zapping]

- Yeah!

You got nothing!

Come on,
I'll make it easy for you.

- You realize you are confirming

The inferiority
of earth intelligence?

- [laughing]

- Oh, I got you this time!

- Pick which cat is different.

Here is a hint.

It is the one
that is an elephant.

[elephant trumpets]

- Hmm.

[device beeping,
elephant trumpeting]

[device beeping,
elephant trumpeting]

- Um, that one looks...

Vegetarian?

[device whirring down]

What happened?

- I do not know.

- Your mind is an insult
to the universe.

- [scoffs]
shows what you know.

I don't even have a mind.

- I am forced to increase
the paincentive to ultimate.

- Huh, that sounds ominous.

- Well, it serves
you both right.

Sometimes the only way
to learn--

- Any planet
that produces such stupidity

Cannot be allowed to exist.

- Say what with the what?

- Oh, gleentorgs.

- Now downloading an app

To launch the earth
into the sun.

Have a nice five minutes
of remaining existence.

- Wait.

Is that app free?

'cause you didn't ask
my credit card number,

Which is seven--

- Downloading faster now.

Make the blue man go away.

Make him go.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You can't just sh**t us
into the sun

Over some stupid questions!

- Uh, technically,
the answers were stupid, buddy.

- Oh, now you're smart.

- Do you know what it means
if the planet is incinerated?

- Yeah, we're all goners!

- Worse!

An a*t*matic d-minus
in earth studies.

What?

- Come on.
Give us another question.

I promise we'll get it right.

- Yes, one more chance.

Please?

- Final question.

- Phew.
- Phew.

- Calculate
the velocity required

To maximize the gravitational
slingshot effect

When rounding perselon's
second largest moon

During the apex
of its orbital crossing.

- That'll be for you.

- But that moon orbits
an irregular ellipses

That vary with each cycle.

It would take two days
to run all the calculations.

- Download complete.
[device beeping]

[rumbling]

- ♪ lazy Saturday

Now shake very lightly and--

[rumbling]

[whimpering]

[shouting]

- [shouts]

- Maybe the answer is--

- [grunts]

- What's going on?

- If somebody doesn't tell
that mini tv

The right velocity
for some gravity slingshot,

It's gonna launch this rock
into the sun!

- Is it weird that not a single
word of that surprised me?

- Perselon's
second largest moon, eh?

Tricky job,
irregular ellipses and whatnot.

Better let me have a go.

- No, thank you.

- Yes, please.

- Unnecessary.

- Actually, I believe--

- Actually, it would be
most helpful

If you'd shut your mandibles
and let me work.

- Okay, I think
it's got something to do

With ice cream sandwi--

- You're missing the shortcut
provided by gervalli's constant.

Gervalli's constant
does not apply

To quadruple helix patterns.

- Not on the first
seven cycles, but--

- Enough!

Your friends have already proven
that earth intelligence

Is inferior, incompetent,
and incapable.

- I got it.
The answer is "one foot."

- One foot?

- That's not even a measure
of velocity.

[device whirring down]

- Signal lost.

[both grunt]

- Earth intelligence
is fine, thanks.

It just runs stronger
on the female side.

- Oh, susan broke the tv.

I'm bored again.

- You want to go play
experimental weapons tag?

- I'm in!

- I'll get the launch codes.

- [sighs]