12x04 - Portrait of Francine's Genitals

[bunniefuu]

Tell me I'm wrong, 'cause I'm never wrong about oatmeal.

[slurp!]

You know, you really can taste a difference with the steel-cut.

Thank you.

Thank you for trusting me to take you on this breakfast journey.

- sh*t! - Uh, excuse you.

They did it.

They finally did it.

Finally made a Junior Jumble you couldn't master, huh? Here, let me take a look.

- They freakin' did it! - Did what?! The Langley Falls Art Museum has acquired the paintings of Reynolds - Jasperterian.

- Who's that? It's philistine attitudes like that that have kept this rinky-dink burg off the cultural map! Roger, please, your tone! You know who's the best artist? Gary Larson.

He took us all to the far side and kept us chuckling.

[sighs]

You know, Roger, I knew Reynolds Jasperterian.

- You did? - Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit.

Francine, do we have any honey? [footsteps recede]

[squirt!]

What?! You knew Reynolds Jasperterian?! Knew him? He painted my portrait.

Ahem! The Smiths are going to the art museum! That includes me.

I took Hayley's last name.

I'm the wife! [patriotic music plays]

Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - # Good # - # Good morning, U.

S.

A.

# Aah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

MAN: Fearing it was hurting his art, Jasperterian spurned the party scene of New York City.

But he d*ed anyway of party-related diseases in the arms of the wife he had so often humiliated.

Roger, I'm surprised.

I thought Reynolds Jasperterian was gonna be you.

I gotta tell you, I did, too.

"I capture forever and share the most exceptional beauty in the world.

" - [gasps]

Oh, Reynolds.

- Big whoop.

I'm in the CIA.

[camera shutters clicking]

- What's this line for? - To see Jasperterian's masterpiece.

Does it have two funny animals and a joke? A fat kid wearing glasses and a hilarious observation underneath? If not, I'm like that T.

Rex watching the asteroid hurl towards Earth.

- "Uh, check, please.

" - No! It's his "Portrait of Francine's Genitals.

" Wait, what?! - Astounding.

- What an achievement.

[horror-movie music plays]

No! All of you, stop looking! Don't look at this! This is private! Take your eyes off this! MAN: Clean-up on aisle mid-century, post-Modernism.

Nobody look! [screaming]

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you kids, the portrait is of my box.

STEVE: I can't unsee any of this, can I? - Where did you get that falafel pita? - I had it in my pocket.

[laughing]

Ah.

Stan Smith, the fellow whose wife's pudenda we all saw - on the wall of the art museum.

- I also got the tote bag.

And I "stuffed it" with zucchinis.

I thought last year's Matisse exhibition was a thrill.

- But to witness a Jasperterian in person - You shut your filthy mouth! [chuckling]

Oh, yes.

It's going to be a very amusing day.

[yells]

Oh, what a day.

This is some day, I'll tell ya.

Steve, what are you doing out there? Yeah, you're usually in your room, moaning at some mysterious activity.

Well, I had my normal afternoon all planned out.

Shades were drawn, my favorite pages were bookmarked and waiting for me.

My Korean micro-fiber polishing mitten rinsed out and almost dry.

I untied the drawstring of my - loose-fitting Gypsy pants.

- Okay, set the scene less.

But there was one problem.

No matter what I looked at, all I saw was that painting.

[screams]

- I think I'm broken! - It's no big deal, Steve.

Mom's always flashing me that thing.

- "Does this look right to you?" - Ew.

Maybe you can use your newfound time to help people.

Like how I'm helping Jeff with his coloring.

I'm ready for red now.

Are you sure you're done with the green? Wait! One more thing.

[humming]

You! You embarrassed me in front of everybody! - By making London broil? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't drag your delicious London broil into a conversation about that filthy painting! Are you still upset about that? That painting was years ago.

Besides, it's an honor to inspire great art.

I don't intend to share my property with the low-brow pond scum that frequent art museums.

I'm sorry, Stan, did you say "your property?!" Well, yeah.

That part of you is owned by me.

That's what our wedding was all about, right? I hope you can learn to enjoy the portrait, Stan, because you don't deserve to enjoy the real thing! Francine, wait! KLAUS: Oh, hi, Francine.

Excited for that London broil.

Oh, okay, you're storming upstairs.

- Francine! - She stormed upstairs in a huff, Stan! Oh, but maybe you'd like to come in, chat with your friend Klaus, maybe clean my bowl! Yeah, maybe.

Let me think it over.

Okay.

It's just that Roger's minor-league baseball character Rusty Buntafolio spits tobacco in my bowl when he's frustrated.

[door slams]

Oh, hey, Rusty.

How was the game? RUSTY: Horrible! [growls]

They pulled me after one pitch.

My arm feels like a sock full of sand.

They're sending me down to Delmarva, I just know it.

Rusty, please! [Rusty spits, water splashes lightly]

I don't understand! You have an empty Slurpee cup! WOMAN: It's so brave, you know.

To empower a woman's body through art.

Yeah.

I-I love how how it's so feminist.

- We're just friends, Duncan.

- Right, right, definitely.

Hey.

Is this truly a great painting? Um, yeah.

Definitely.

I-I mean, the way the artist takes her most private space and exposes it for all of us to consume.

- You sick little man! - Oh! - Not in front of my girlfriend! - Your what? My nothing.

Art fan, huh? Me too.

I love art.

Stealing it, that is.

Tato Montacello art heist guy.

- Of course! Steal the painting! - Exactly.

And I'm gonna help ya, because, are you ready? This is a good one.

I cannot believe this hasn't been in a movie already.

Stealing art is the greatest art of all.

Oh, screw you, Stan! If Gary Larson drew a cow with curlers in its hair saying that, you'd be dying! [chuckles]

"Check, please.

" [laughing]

[engine revving]

So, you want to steal a painting.

Well, you're gonna need a crew.

And the crew is here in Monaco? Oh, we're just in Monaco because Monaco is where you have this conversation.

Most of the crew is Jersey-based.

Now, you need a crew you can trust.

But trust among art thieves? Let's just say it's rarer than a Picasso.

Are Picassos rare? Wait, we could have had this conversation in the kitchen? Oh, please! You wanted this trip, you needed this trip.

What, with the stress you have going on with the painting? Stan, trust me, you needed to relax.

And the walking tour? You didn't enjoy that? - I was impressed by the walking tour.

- Exactly! That's the Monaco most tourists don't get to see.

Anyway, we should really be getting back.

Our flight's in, like, an hour and a half.

Damn it, we're gonna be late! Hold on! [tires squeal]

[sniffling]

- Are you crying? - What?! Of course not! Because Stan and Roger have time to fly to Monaco but no time to change my bowl water? [voice breaking]

You think I'm crying because of that? Helping Klaus.

That could count as helping people.

Oh, it definitely counts.

Don't doubt yourself for a second.

Helping others is my new hobby ever since I saw the painting of Mom's junk.

Sure, sure.

Whatever road brought you here.

Ugh! This is filthy! Shouldn't you have a bowl with a filter? - All that aquarium stuff? - Yes.

Yes, I should.

But that might be expensive.

Let's agree to go to the store, but maybe not buy anything.

Yes! A small win for Klaus! He was a phenomenal talent, but to me, he was just Reynolds.

Mmm, yes.

And you'd say you "opened up" to him.

[laughter]

I admit this is the Art History minor talking, but I would really like to hear about Jasperterian's ideas on You shut your filthy mouth, d*ck! - Stan! - Relax, Smith.

Just art lovers discussing the glorious painting of your wife's thingamaboo.

Although I must apologize for d*ck.

He was out of line.

Well, we're off to the Mapplethorpe exhibit at the Met.

With any luck, that will get us hard.

Francine, can't you see you're embarrassing me? Genitals aren't something that should be shown to the world! They're not called show-nitals.

The term "genitals" comes from the Aladdin word genie, and like a genie, they should only come out when they're rubbed.

Stan, you're embarrassing yourself.

[clears throat]

Tato Montacello, art heist Wait, did I already do my introduction? Yeah, we went to Monaco.

Really? Long way to go to meet somebody.

Anyway, tonight, we make that painting disappear! To pull off this heist, we need muscle.

[music]

The Ignatiev Twins weigh 700 pounds combined and grew up eating raw horse meat in Dagestan.

They still love horse meat it's disgusting.

Their breath smells like horse meat.

Whatever, it's one night, you'll survive.

Next, we need a lockpick.

Claude Verdeer is the Belgian with the smallest fingers in the world.

It's gross, and he always wants to shake hands.

But I know he can tell that I don't want to shake hands.

Whatever, it's one night, you'll survive.

Then we'll need an expl*sives guy.

We can either get Bang Bang Fukanawa or Josh.

Fine, get Bang Bang Fukanawa.

Wait, why do we need an expl*sives guy? - Won't the Belgian guy get us in? - Hmm.

Good point.

I thought we agreed no expl*sives guy.

Right Josh, wait! [expl*si*n]

Josh, the guy we didn't need, was supposed to be - Bang Bang Fukanawa.

- Oh, so I was second choice?! Look, you're here and he's not.

Chicharito, the Guatemalan contortionist.

Finally, we need a sexually expl*sive, unpredictable woman.

[cellphone chimes]

[Russian accent]

Tato, is PayPal.

Payment no go through.

Hmm.

Well, do you accept karate chops?! [smack!]

[whispering]

Stan, finish him off.

That's the last time you screw me, Tato.

[alarm blares]

Mmm! Maybe one more time.

[screams]

MAN: Hey! [panting]

Okay, let's give each other notes on the heist.

Stan, good job, but I thought you could have worn a better outfit.

What else? I'd work with Josh again.

Look, thanks for the help, Roger, but this is a solo job.

A solo job? Sounds like Steve before he got into helping people.

I wonder if he's still doing that.

Aah! We're talking top to bottom t*nk renovation here.

Steve, what's gotten into you? Your skin is clearer, your voice sounds deeper.

Oh, it started happening once I stopped touching myself all the time.

Funny, I find the more I touch myself, the deeper my voice gets.

Now, let's talk about premium aquarium filters.

Sounds like what you want is a Tunze AquaWind.

You sure? 'Cause I been hearing good - things about the new DeSanio's.

- [laughs]

Sure, if you want to replace it every four weeks.

Sounds like I better do a little more research.

You know, it's really weird that you own an aquarium store.

The regulars here think it's weird I'm a principal.

Excuse me.

I'd like to see somebody about getting a painting taken down.

I'm sick of arguing about it with my husband.

- It makes him uncomfortable.

- An uncomfortable husband? The director will want to hear about this straightaway! Excuse me, are you crying? Uh, yes, I suppose I was.

It's just this reminds me of my genitals when they were young and flush.

Are you copying this painting? Trying.

It's an assignment for class.

"Copy the Masters.

" But, gosh, I'm no Jasperterian.

How did he know what to leave out?! - It's boota-ful! - [panting]

There you are.

Our director will see you in just a moment.

[gasps]

The woman changed her mind.

Sylvia, we have an intercom.

That portrait certainly does inspire intense fascination.

Last night, we had a thwarted robbery attempt.

- Oh, no! - I'm afraid so.

Hence the need for another security guard.

We're lucky you walked in.

And with your CIA experience.

Now, you do resemble a maniac our guards Right, but as I explained, that man did not have a mustache.

- He did, however, have a flag pin.

- But But he did not have a mustache.

And I can see that you do.

You're hired, Stan.

Or should I say, Mr.

Night Watchman? [both laughing]

[music]

Yeesh.

Kind of creepy in here at night.

You like looking at my wife? Huh, you little perv?! Well, it's over! I'm gonna take this painting home and destroy it! Ah, that was easy.

Did you hear what that oaf said? I'm not interested in his wife's vag*na.

I'm completely h*m*.

All art is gay.

[high-pitched laughing]

[squeaking]

Where the [bleep]

are my arms?! A shocking crime at the Langley Museum.

The famous "Portrait of Francine's Genitals" Hi, Francine! has been stolen.

[crying]

He made me feel so beautiful.

Francine, we already lost the painting.

Don't go losing your cool.

[whistling]

Stan, have you seen my lucky jock strap? [sighs]

The rumors are true, I'm Delmarva-bound.

Hey, the painting we stole! Are you torching it? This painting has brought me nothing but embarrassment.

I don't want anyone to ever see it again.

Not even one person, like a rich, shady buyer with 100K to burn? He's not gonna want anyone to know he has it.

- No one else would ever see it.

- Hmm - I'm calling my coke dealer.

- Wow, he can afford the painting? Oh, yeah, maybe he could buy the painting! Hi, I have some, uh, pretty serious concerns about the flow through on the 6500.

WOMAN: Sounds like you know your stuff.

Here at Tunze, we pride ourselves on flow through and will b*at any competitor on suction.

Ha ha.

Wha-what was that? Why don't I walk you through it? What's your name? - I- I'm Steve.

- I'm Lindsey.

Well, actually, we're up to the 6900 now.

That baby satisfies everyone.

It gobbles up dirt and filth, and when you can see the chambers about to be at overflow, you just sh**t it all out the release shaft.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

Would you mind actually walking me through a couple other models? Yeah, yeah, this is what I should have in my loft, man.

This is what I should have a big painting of a woman's just, thing just hanging right there, right? Yep, exactly.

Listen, could we hurry this up? I-I really can't have my wife Stan, have you seen Rusty's lucky jock strap? What is that? - Um - You stole the painting? [chuckling]

Oh, man! What a busted scene.

- Get out of here, Delmonico! - You know Delmonico? Everybody knows Delmonico! - Francine, I can explain - At least when you wanted to get rid of it, it was about privacy! But now, trying to sell it to our coke dealer?! I see you don't have any principles at all! Oh, ho, wow.

Well, I'm gonna go see if I can sell Francine some dr*gs.

What am I doing here? I need a hard look at myself.

You sure do.

Hey, would it be funny if I was an airplane? [imitates airplane]

[buzzer]

WOMAN: Hello? Hi, um, Mrs.

Jasperterian? You don't know me, but I think you're the only person who could help me right now.

This place really stirs something in me.

My husband was inspired by the vistas, which is all the more remarkable when you remember - Reynolds was blind.

- He He was? Blind as a bat.

From the day he was born.

So, he never saw what he was painting.

Nope.

Somehow that makes me feel better.

- He painted by touch.

- Excuse me? Yes, he was very tactile.

He really wanted to get his hands all over anything he was painting, get the feel of it.

Rub it, pull it between his fingers.

[coughing]

- You okay, Stan? - No, I'm not! - You're talking about my wife! - No, I'm talking about what Reynolds did to your wife's vag*na.

He took it and he turned it into art.

Once it's art, it's not your wife anymore.

Huh.

I never thought about it like that.

Look, let me ask you this, Stan.

Once the plaster cast dried, was that mug still my butthole? Steve, how's the filter coming? The fresh water's nice, but it's already getting dirty again.

What? Oh, I'm not doing that now.

No, your voice! But that means Let's just say I hope Lindsey's call was monitored and recorded, 'cause it was sexy as hell! - Oh, Steve.

- You sound just like Lindsey.

[door slams]

STAN: Of course, you all know the story of this painting stolen, missing, but then returned.

Bad luck for you, Stan.

Now we get to see your wife's Trapper Keeper whenever we wish.

Hmm.

Art can have a powerful effect on people.

I like to think the thief, whoever he was, took a good, long look at this painting and he realized Jasperterian truly did capture and share the most extraordinary beauty in the world.

Angela, let's take one last trip to Paris.

It's boota-ful! Maybe, Duncan, we can be more than friends.

[retches]

- Sorry, Candace.

- Don't apologize.

I'm a barf babe.

Jasperterian transformed something intimate [music]

into something we can all share.

But only I get the real thing.

Mmm! MAN: There's the maniac who tried to steal the painting! Where?!