01x02 - The Experiment/The Great Jungle Gym Standoff

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

[m*llitary music]

Wah!

Uh!

Ah!

[burps]

[Vince] It seemed like any other day.

Little Jimmy Kratmer

was playing with his football like always.

Then suddenly, it happened.

[eerie music]

[Jimmy] No!

And they never saw
little Jimmy kratmer again.

-Never?
-Never.

Wow. That's a weird story alright.

Oh, that's not so weird.

I heard about a guy who all
he would eat is carrots.

Carrots! Carrots! Carrots!

Then one day he woke up,
and he was totally orange.

That's nothing! What about the kid
who got braces on his teeth

and started picking up radio stations?

He got news, weather,
and sports every six minutes.

Or the kid who got stuck
under a moving train.

And when they found him,

all that was left were three fingers,

and a very flat piece of bubble gum.

[all kids] Yeah, sure, sure, it was, man.

[Butch] Ha!

You kids make me laugh.

Aliens, trains, carrots...
that's kid stuff.

I can tell you a story so terrible

your teeth would curl.

Butch, is that you?

What happened to your hair?

Had me a scare,

a scare the likes of you kids
will never know.

Tell us about it, Butch.

I would if I thought
you guys could handle it.

We can handle it, can't we, guys?

[kids] Yeah, sure we can. Of course!

All right, but it's not a pretty picture.

Not a pretty picture at all.

It all started
on a normal Saturday afternoon

About a week ago.

Like always, I was down in the basement

spying on my big brother Joey.

For months, Christie had been
coming over to see him.

I know Christie was a girl,

but I never thought
nothing sinister of it.

Usually they'd just
sit around watching TV,

not this time.

This Saturday everything
was gonna change.

All of a sudden, something came over Joey.

He started to get a funny look in his eye.

That's when things got really weird.

[eerie music]

[gasps]

Closer and closer they came,

their faces almost touching,

until... until...

until they kissed!

No!

It was horrible...
their eyes getting googly,

their lips slurping and smacking.

No, it can't be true!

You're making it up.

I wish I was.

Good sweet mike,
I wish I was, but I'm not.

Joey kissed that girl,

what's more,

he liked it.

Now you're getting ridiculous.

At least our stories are believable.

I'm telling you, he liked it.

He told me so himself.

And that's not all he told me.

[gulp]

Well, what else did he say?

See all this stuff,

swing set, jungle gym, sandbox?

Well, they're the past.

Guys, I've seen the future,

and the future is girls.

[all] No!

Boys kissing girls,

girls kissing boys.

And you know what else?

-We're all going to like it!
-[dramatic music]

[mad laughter]

-Ew!
-Ew!

Boys kissing girls, girls kissing boys?

Surely there must be some mistake, I mean,

this defies rules of nature and physics.

Besides, that's disgusting.

Butch said it's the future.

His brother joey told him.

Oh, please, the day I stop caring
about dodge ball

is the day the earth starts
spinning around the sun.

Which explains the D-minus
she got in science.

-Eh, maybe Butch was lying.
-Sounds good to me.

I don't know, you guys.
I've seen it in lots of movies.

Mikey, how many times do we have
to remind you

not to tell anyone you watch
that mushy love junk?

I know, I know.

But looks kinda sweet,

and the guys in the movies
sure seem to like it.

That's called acting, Mikey.

Right, it's not real.

Like when a guy jumps out
of a helicopter and doesn't get hurt.

It just doesn't happen like that
in real life.

Well, maybe you're right.

Sure. Butch was just making
the whole thing up.

Now come on. I'll cream you
in a game of dodge ball.

[music]

[cheers]

[Butch] Boys, kissing girls.

[music]

[Ashleys laugh]

[Butch] Girls kissing boys.

[gulp]

[kids laughing]

-[making seal noises]
-[kids laugh]

[Butch] The future, the future.

The future.

[bell rings]

It can't be true. It just can't be.

Who knows? That's the problem. Who knows?

Come on, you guys.

We're letting this take over our brains.

T.J.'s right, there only
one solution to our problem.

We have to conduct an experiment.

-[eerie music]
-[gulps]

An experiment?

Not so quite, actually.

All we have to do is hold
a scientific inquiry,

find a willing boy and girl,
observe them kissing,

ask them to describe their reactions.

And that would do, once and for all.

We can do it tomorrow before school.

Gretchen, you're a genius.

-Only one problem--
-What's that?

Who's gonna be the guy and the girl
who do it?

Well, it's gotta be one of us.

That's the only way we're going to be able
To trust our findings.

[dramatic music]

Then I guess there's only
one way to choose.

The straws.

-[horror music]
-[gasps]

Now, does everyone agree
to the ancient rite of the straws?

To live by the judgment of the straws?

To be bound by the decision of the straws?

And to never back out
no matter what the outcome?

OK.

[both] No... no... no!

So long, happy childhood.

Goodbye, baseball glove.

Goodbye, hockey stick.

Goodbye... hey!

My Mr. Monk-Monk.

[crashing sounds]

[Spinelli screams]

Rotten, lousy, stupid!

Hey, my Mr. Monk-Monk.

Ah!

[yelling]

Come on, Vince, anything you want:

Money, gold, tennis shoes--

Can't help you, man. Vow of the straws.

Oh.

I'm calm. I'm cool.

All I want you to do is one thing.

-What's that?
-Get me out of these things!

I'll give you my collection
of Maniac Man comic books

in mint condition.

Already read them.

How about my brand-new
road-bruiser mountain bike?

Just got it for my birthday.

I'm not listening.

This is a crime against humanity.

I mean, why would I want to kiss him?

He's my friend.

OK, one last thing, and you'll be perfect:

A little lipstick.

Touch me with that,
and I'll break your arm.

What about my reputation?

No decent kid will associate
with me after this.

I will. Of course,
not at school or anything.

[dramatic music]

Let me go!

You realize we'll probably
have to get married after this?

You realize I'll probably
have to k*ll you after this?

[nervous laughter]

OK, OK. Let's just get this over with.

Right, before anyone sees us.

[giggling]

[giggling]

All right, who's there?

[giggling]

OK, which one of you laughed?

[giggling]

Show yourself or die!

OK, who told them?

-I didn't.

-Not me.
-Never said a word.

Well, actually, I might
have said something,

but just to one kid.

I should've mentioned it to a colleague
or two at the science club.

Four, five here. OK, maybe

if you count the Ashleys,
and Ms. furley's class.

Well, isn't this something?

Here we are, sworn to a vow of silence,

and I'm the only one
who doesn't go blabbing around!

Frankly, I'm ashamed of you guys.

Hey, Mikey! Thanks for the tip.
Sorry I'm late.

-Eh. [laughs]
-Well, I'm not doing this

with every kid
on the playground watching.

But inquiring minds want to know.

We must continue the experiment
for the good of pure science.

Fine, then why don't you kiss him,
madam Curie?

OK, here's the deal.

We'll meet after school in the park.

The kiss has been rescheduled

for after school in the park.

[girl] I'll bring my video camera.

Might as well get it over with right now.

Yeah, a quick pucker, a peck,
and we're out of here.

The kiss is back on.

[kids talking]

[dramatic music]

[gasp]

[gasp]

[gasp]

[birds chirping]

-Ew!
-Ew!

Yuck! Puke City!

Quick, somebody get me some mouthwash.

[chattering]

[bell rings]

At least, now we know for sure.

There's no way we're ever
gonna wanna kiss girls.

Yeah, and we never wanna
kiss you guys, neither.

Come on, we better get to class,

before miss Grotke gives us all tardies.

[piano music]

Butch and his crazy stories.

Yeah, us kissing each other?

That's the dumbest thing
I heard since that stuff

about Jimmy Kratmer and the aliens.

[laughs] Yeah, who would ever believe
a stupid story like that?

[eerie music]

Thanks for the ride, dudes.

Whoops. Better get to class.

[music]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Last one on Old Rusty

has to give Ms. Finster a sponge bath!

Hey, that's my job.

[chattering]

Man, I love this thing.

Oh!

[dramatic music]

Oh, principal Prickly.

What brings you out
on the playground, sir?

Your happiness, son.

Tape it off, boys.

[dramatic music]

What's going on?

The school board has finally released
some overdue funds,

and you kids are going to get
a brand-new jungle gym--

[kids cheer]

Just as soon as we tear down
this old hunk of junk.

[sad music]

You mean you're gonna tear down
Old Rusty?

[laughs] "Old Rusty".

Isn't that quaint?

That's right, kid. The construction
workers will be here by :

to start wrecking, so all you kids
stay off this thing.

And remember, if anybody asks,

Mr. Prickly is a great principal,
and his first priority

is now and always will be you children.

Now get out of my way, you little brats.

I... I can't believe it.

Recess without Old Rusty --

Say it ain't so.

Why do grown-ups always do these things?

I'll never forget this old thing.

Yeah, right here is where
the swinging girl

laughed so hard
she swallowed her loose tooth.

And right there
is where Binky Jones fell off

and broke his collar bone and had to have
that plate put in his head.

You just can't replace memories like that.

Old Rusty was here when
my big brother was in school.

Old Rusty was here
when my mom was in school.

Heck! Old Rusty was here

when my great-uncle Mary was in school.

-Your uncle Mary?
-Don't ask.

Who knows how long Old Rusty's

really been here?

[Mikey] I'll bet Old Rusty's
older than that.

[Spinelli] Older than that.

[roar]

Old Rusty's been here
since the beginning of time.

Yeah, but you know the main reason

I'll never forget Old Rusty?

Because it was right here,

back on the very first day
of kinder garden.

Where the five of us first met.

Hi.

-Oh, yeah!
-That's right.

I forgot about that.

[bell rings]

Well, I guess that's that.

Aren't you coming, man?

Nah, I think I'm just gonna play
on Old Rusty a little longer.

But Teej, recess is over.

Miss Grotke will have to send you
to the office.

She'll understand.

You guys go on. I'll be there in a minute.

Suit yourself.

[sad music]

So then the bus driver says to the string:

"Hey, are you a string?"

And the string says:
"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[laughs]

Hey, kid, what are you doing up there?

-Playing.
-Get down from there. We got work to do.

-I can't.
-What you mean you can't?

Get off that thing, kid.
We got orders to knock it down.

-Sorry.
-Now look, kid,

either you get off, or...

or we're gonna have to knock it
down with you on it.

If that's how I have to go,

then so be it.

[dramatic music]

Ah.

-[gulps]
-T.J. Detweiler...

I should have known
you'd be the one behind this.

What disgusting perverted thing
are you up to now?

-Playing.
-What?

Don't you know recess is over?

Get down from there this minute!

Sorry, Ms. Finster, but if I get down,

Those men are gonna wreck Old Rusty,

and I just can't let that happen.

How dare you talk to me like that,

you little hooligan?

Now get off of that thing,
or I'll take my shoe to you.

Never. Old Rusty's the heart
and soul of this school.

It's almost as old as you.

Well without Old Rusty, this place
would just be a big building

with... with a... a bunch of books
and teachers and stuff.

I said get down from there, Detweiler,

Before I have to come up there
and get you myself!

[Mikey] Then you'll have to get me, too.

And me.

And me.

[children cheer]

You might get one of us,
but you can't get us all.

You brats have seconds
to get down from there,

or I'll have every last one
of you expelled.

...

--

-What do we want?
-[children] A Jungle gym!

-When do we want it?
-[children] Now!

-[T.J.] What do we want?
-That's it. Do something!

-[T.J.] When do we want it?
-Sorry, lady, but tearing down

a jungle gym with kids on it
is against union rules.

It didn't used to be,
but we had a meeting.

Ugh!

[children cheer]

They're giving up.

We won. We won!

I hope you're right, Vince.
I really hope you're right.

♪ Someone's swinging, my lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

All these kids unified

against the forces of oppression...

It's so beautiful.

Yeah, yeah, real beautiful.

But what's the man up to now?

That's what I wanna to know.

Me, too, spinelli. Me, too.

This is a disaster... a disaster!
You hear me?

You have any idea how this
is going to affect my career?

If the papers get wind of this,

I can kiss the cozy job at Spiro
Agnew Middle School goodbye.

Excuse me, principal Prickly, sir

but maybe the kids have a point.

Maybe we should just give them
what they want, I mean

after all it's just a jungle gym.

Just a jungle gym?

I always knew you were
a troublemaker, Grotke.

Give in to the jungle gym today,

and they'll want better food tomorrow.

Soon they'll demand a longer recess,

and then more free reading time.

Eventually, rock and roll will take over
the world,

society will crumble,

and western civilization as we know it

will come to an end!

I see your point, miss Finster,

but we can't start by using force.

I think we first need
to take a middle course.

I'll try to reason with them, and then,
if that doesn't work

we'll execute plan P.

[gasps]

Plan P?

But, principal Prickly,
don't you think that's a bit extreme?

Extreme times call for
extreme measures, Ms. Grotke.

Excellent.

♪ Someone's digging, my lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

Faculty approaching.

Hello, children. Lovely day, isn't it?

In fact, it's such a lovely day,

why waste it on this rickety
old piece of junk metal?

If you'd step down for a moment,

we could exchange it for a brand-new

high-impact plastic one.

And it really has a realistic feeling
plastic captain's wheel.

[kids chattering]

Never. Old Rusty is ours,
and we'll never give him up.

[children cheer]

Oh, I'm sorry you feel this way,

but perhaps if I explain things,

you'll see the light of reason.

This Old Rusty, as you call it,
is school property.

As the keeper of school property,

I feel a certain sense
of ownership over it.

So, in the name of Third Street School,

it is my responsibility to say to you:

Get off my jungle gym!

Your jungle gym?

How can you own a jungle gym?

How can you own the way
the monkey bars feel

in a kid's fingers
when he's hanging in midair?

How can you put a price

on the cool, clean feel
of metal on a guy's butt

when he's sliding full-blast down a slide?

It's like... magic.

Let me tell you something,
principal Prickly.

Magic is not school property.

[children cheer]

Heck, no, we won't go!

[Children] Heck, no! We won't go!
Heck, no! We won't go!

OK, that's it.

Ms. Finster, execute plan P.

-[children gasp]
-That's right. I'm calling your parents.

Our parents?

How low can they get?

Oh, heartless fiends!

[horns honk]

This better be good, Finster.

Yeah, I had to cancel yoga
to come down here.

-[chattering]
-[parents gasp]

♪ We shall not ♪

♪ We shall not be moved ♪

♪ We shall not ♪

Look what your rotten no good children
are up to now!

-They've instigated a riot!
-Hey!

Isn't that the same jungle gym
we used to play on?

Man, that thing is old!

Exactly! That's why we have
to tear it down and put up a new one.

Tear it down?

You can't tear Old Rusty down.

Yeah! This is where laura Jameson
laughed so hard,

she swallowed her loose tooth.

And where Randy fell off
and broke his arm.

Hey, you still got that plate
in your head?

Sure do.

[chattering]

Don't you people understand
what's happening?

Your kids are standing
in the way of progress.

As parents, it's your job to stop them.

Now, get over there
and do what you have to do.

Don't worry, principal Prickly.

We know exactly what we have to do.

♪ We shall not ♪

♪ We shall not be moved ♪

♪ We shall not ♪

♪ We shall not be moved ♪

♪ Just like a seed ♪

But you people can't do this!

Actually, sir, they can.

-What?
-Well, that woman there

is Mrs. Hennessey,
the president of the PTA,

and that's Jack Riley,

the superintendent's brother-in-law,
and that's--

Alright, fine! They want to keep
this pile of rust, let them.

Keep it, you hear me?

Go ahead and keep it!

[cheering]

Uh, T.J. I've been doing some figuring,

-and according to my calculations,
-Huh?

with this much weight on it,

the structural limits of Old Rusty --

What? I can't hear you, Gretchen.

There are too many--

Look out! She's gonna cave!

[screams]

After all that, and now it's gone.

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Hey, Lou, don't the mega

Use the same / -inch pipe as this?

Yeah, and it's got one of these

. -foot Lucas shafts, too.

[laughs] You thinking what I'm thinking?

Folks, leave it to us.

[music]

I christen you New Rusty.

[children cheer]

[joyful screams]

You know, Lou, I think we done good.

Mocha latte?

Man, I love this thing.

[m*llitary music]

[bell rings]