01x06 - My Fair Gretchen/Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[all] Yay!

Wah!

Uhh!

Ah!

[burps]

This is the Arkansas
standard achievement test,

The most powerful
achievement test in the world,

So powerful I reckon it can
blow your minds clean away.

Now the question is --

Do you feel lucky?

Well, do you, punks?

The old lady's been watching
too many Clint Eastwood movies again.

I think what Miss Finster's
trying to say is,

Every year we give the fourth graders
a little standardized test.

You get minutes. It's not for a grade,

so, there's nothing to be afraid of.

You're a wimp, you know that, Grotke?

Ready? Begin.

I can't get any of the answers.

Forget about the answers.
I can't get the questions.

Well, Grotke, might as well
take a load off.

This is going to be one long minutes.

Latté?

Excuse me, Ms. Grotke.

I'm sorry, Gretchen, no questions allowed.

But, Ms. Grotke, I'm done.

[gasping]

But, Gretchen, it hasn't even been
five minutes.

Uh...

Sorry.

Man, what were they trying to do to us?

First, they make us read some dumb story.

Then, they ask us the capital of Montana.

If I ever get my hands on the guy,
who came up with that stupid test,

I'll kick his butt all the way to--

-[Gretchen] Helena.
-Huh?

The capital of Montana, it's Helena.

You knew that one?

Of course, she knew that one.

Face it guys, Gretchen knew
every question on that test.

Well, I don't know about
every question, but I did quite well.

Yeah, you probably did.

Of course, that's what Stinky Peterson
thought, too.

Stinky Peterson?

I didn't even consider that possibility.

Hey, don't scare her, Teej.

This is nothing like Stinky Peterson.

Who's Stinky Peterson?

Well, Stinky Peterson,

was this really smart kid,
just like Gretchen.

[T.J.] He b*rned through his test so fast,

everybody was sure he aced it.

But then two days later,

something really weird happened.

Right when Ms. Grotke, was about to call
Stinky's name at roll call,

Ms. Lemon showed up.

She took him to the principal's office,

and they never saw Stinky Peterson again.

Wow.

Some kids say stinky did
so poorly on his test,

they sent him all the way
back to kindergarten.

Don't worry, Gretchen,
that can never happen to you.

You're way too smart.

Sure. You aced that test no problem.

Even if you didn't,

finger painting's fun
and you get lots of naps.

[glup]

-Ralph Eggleston?
-Here.

-Carla Fong?
-Here.

Gretchen Grun--

[knock on door]

Ah, Ms. Lemon, come in.

Prickly sent me down here to get...

Your attendance sheet...

And her!

Come on. Come on. I don't got all day.

I suppose you know why I brought you here,
Ms. Grundler.

It's the test, isn't it?
Let me take it again.

I promise I'll do better. Just please,
don't send me back to kindergarten.

Please, please, please, please.

Huh? What are you talking about?
You're not going back to kindergarten.

You mean I passed?

Passed? You got a perfect score.

We haven't seen scores like yours,
since Stinky Peterson.

Oh, well, that's different then.

Different? I'll say its different.
You're a genius, a prodigy.

In fact, you're my prodigy,

which means, Gretch,
you're going to Oppenheimer.

Oppenheimer elementary
for the incredibly extremely gifted?

That's right, and you're going to love it.
You'll get tons of homework,

really big books with teeny, tiny print.

And your very own, lab rat.

Oh, I'm flattered, principal prickly,

but you see, that's really not possible.

I can't leave my friends.

Nonsense, you'll make new friends.
And you'll like them a lot better too.

After all they'll be eggheads like you.

All you got to do is pass
the review board, and you're home free.

No big deal. Rattle off some numbers,
answer a few questions,

and you're on your way to Oppenheimer.

Now, get out there
and study, study, study.

One more student at Oppenheimer,

and that middle school principal job
is mine for sure.

No!

They can't do this to you.

Yeah, tell your mom and dad.
They'll get you out of it.

Are you kidding? I called my mom

As soon as I left the principal's office.
She's been doing backflips ever since.

There's got to be something we can do.
Maybe if we--

Look, I know what you're all going to say,

and I want to thank you in advance,
but if you'll excuse me,

I think I just need some time alone.

Goodbye, swing set.

Goodbye, graffiti.

[coughs]

Goodbye, rancid fish sticks.

How I'll miss thee.

Gretchen!

What are you guys doing here?

We figured it out. We know how to keep you
from going to that other school.

Mikey's the one who really thought of it.

It came to me like a bolt of lightning.

Ready? What if you were dumb?

I'm sorry, T.J., but for once,
I'm really not following you.

Ok, there's that panel
review thing, right?

That is what principal Prickly said.

Well, what if when you showed up,

you didn't act like the smart kid you are,

you act like the dumb kid you aren't?

An interesting hypothesis, you guys, but,

I've been trying to dumb
myself down since kindergarten.

and it hasn't worked so far.

But this time you got experts
on your side.

Ah, what have I got to lose?

How many miles to the sun?

, , , .

[all] Gretchen!

-What?
-That was right.

Oops.

What we're trying to do, is make Gretchen
look like a regular dumb kid.

Any ideas, Ashley B.?

I don't know.
What do you think, Ashley Q.?

Like, I don't know Ashley B.
Any ideas, Ashley T.?

I like have an idea.

[whispering]

It's not quite the look we're going for.

Columbus' ships were...

The Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria.

Agh!

Plants get energy by...

Photosynthesis.

Oh.

[whispering]

What is the capital of Montana?

Hel... New York City?

What was that?

New York City.

-Again.
-New York City.

You know, I think she's got it.

[gasp]

Gretchen?

[girl] You can fail, Gretchen!
I know you can.

[boy] Mess it up Gretchen!

Ah, here's my little genius now.

Ah! What the-- Gretchen?

Yo, Prickly.

This is your Oppenheimer candidate?

She doesn't usually dress this way.

It's just for luck.

Lucky pants, lucky shirt,
lucky hats, lucky...

Silence, please.

Yes, of course, you're absolutely right,
no more talking.

Are you ready, Ms. Grundler?

Whatever, dude.

What is the Pythagorean Theorem?

A racehorse?

Ahem.

Who is the father of modern medicine?

Dr. Seuss?

When was the third ice age?

Right after the first and second?

Ha ha ha.

She's for .

[whispering]

Who was the first person
to reach the north pole?

Santa Claus.

Who was the th president
of the United States?

Dennis Rodman.

What's plus ?

?

-She's blowing it!
-Yes!

Is this some kind of joke?

It's, it's not my fault.

She must have cheated on that test.

Shame on you, young lady.

I'll see to your immediate suspension--

The square of the length
of the hypotenuse,

of a right triangle equals
the sum of the squared lengths,

of the other two sides...

Doctor William...

[Prickly] God sweet, what's she doing?

Don't you see?
She's answering all the questions.

With incredible accuracy.

In precise order.

...Robert Edward Parry, April , ,
Franklin Pierce,

[sigh] four.

Right, she's brilliant.

She's magnificent.

She's doomed.

My dear,

why in heavens were you
hiding your genius?

Because I don't want to go to Oppenheimer.
Don't make me. Please, don't make me.

Don't listen to her, she's a genius.
Ship her out. Ship her out, I say.

Principal Prickly, could you leave us
alone for a minute?

-B-b-but...
-Now.

What are you kids doing here?

-Well?
-It's all settled.

She's going to Oppenheimer?

Nope, I'm staying right here,
term straight.

[all] Yay!

She put forth her case most eloquently,

and finally persuaded us,
that there is more to education,

than what one learns from books.

But what about my promotion?
I mean, Gretchen's future.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Which brings us to our next point.

Have you considered starting
a tutorial program at your school?

You've got an excellent
resource in Ms. Grundler.

Hmm. A tutorial program.

That's the kind of forward thinking,
the superintendent is always looking for,

in his middle school principals.

Kids teaching kids, I love it.

Well, that's not exactly
what we had in mind.

[bell rings]

Thanks to this study buddy program,

we're never going to have to worry
about Gretchen leaving again.

Plfft!

Ah.

You did your best.
That's all we could ask.

[grumbles]

Man, he sure is cute.

Cute but fast. Look how quick he runs,

when I squeak his rubber carrot.

Go, Speedy, go!

Water break. Distilled water
from Mr. Germaine's lab.

And let's not forget his Friday treat.

Scientifically tested vitamin-fortified
hamster croutons.

Garlic-flavored are his favorite.

Hey, slow down, Speedy.

You've got to pace yourself,

or they won't last the weekend.

[bell rings]

Ok, people. Have a good weekend.

Remember, Monday is positive energy day.

-Bye, Speedy.
-See you on Monday.

See you soon.

Sixth grade's got the Garter snake,

fifth grade's got the horny toad,

but we, we got Speedy.

Would you guys hurry up?
We got some major playing to do.

Take it easy, big guy.

[bell rings]

Good morning, people.

[all] Good morning, Miss Grotke.

Rise and shine, Speedy. It's Monday.

Speedy?

Hey, Speedy, wake up!

What's wrong, Mikey?

I don't know, Speedy's just lying there.

Perhaps he's sick.

Speedy?

No, he's just tired, that's all.

Yeah, he had a big weekend,

sitting around, sleeping, eating croutons.

But, T.J., he didn't eat his croutons.

Don't panic, people.
I'm sure Speedy's fine.

He's probably in some sort
of hamster hibernation.

But, Mrs. Grotke,
hamsters don't hibernate.

Oh, well, then, um,

Perhaps he's meditating.

A little meditation is a great way
to start your day.

-So why don't we--
-Oh, no!

Speedy's not meditating, Mrs. Grotke.

He's... he's...

Speedy's dead!

Two out, nobody on. Play's to first.

Hey, am I the only one playing here?

Sorry, Spinelli.

I just can't keep my mind off Speedy.

Yeah, me neither.

I just keep thinking about how
he used to run on his wheel all day.

And how he used to tickle my face
with his whiskers.

And how he used to zip through
my maze without getting lost.

Oh!

I kept trying to tell myself
he was just a hunk of DNA,

but who am I kidding? Speedy was special.

Special? He was a hamster.
Go to the pet store.

They got a million of them,
and they're all the same.

Maybe it is, Spinelli,
but to me he was special.

He was my friend, and I-I k*lled him!

I pushed him too hard
with that squeaky carrot.

[sobbing]

Oh, come on, Mikey. It wasn't your fault.

I gave him that stupid distilled water.

No, it was those croutons,
those garlic croutons!

His little heart couldn't
take so much seasoning.

Listen, if it makes you feel better,
you all k*lled him, ok?

Now, can we play?

Come on, you guys. It was nobody's fault.

It was just... his time to go.

[sniffs] I know. It's just...

I wish I could have said goodbye
to the little guy, that's all.

Too late now.

Oh yeah? Says who?

Well, it seems a pretty obvious
postulate, T.J.

Hey, it's never too late to say goodbye.

Speedy was our friend. Our good friend.
I say we give him a funeral.

A funeral for a hamster?

Hey yeah, give the little guy
a proper send-off.

A memorial service
to share our heartfelt sentiments.

We'll get some other kids to help us.

-It'll be great!
-Let's do it.

Why do I have a feeling
my whole recess just got wrecked?

Sorry, guys. We're booked solid.

First, we got to dig it up for King Bob.

Then we got a b*mb shelter
for that weird new science teacher.

-Then--
-But this is for Speedy.

Speedy, the hamster?
Why didn't you say so?

Yeah. Speedy was a great digger.

We'd be honored to help.

A funeral for a hamster?

Well, I do need a new dress.

Something simply in black.

-Plus, a hat, with a veil.
-And accessories.

[chattering]

I'll get a scarf.

-And the shoes.
-And matching bags.

Now, this here is the best plot
in the playground.

Normally, something like this
would set you back, a pretty penny.

But because it's for Speedy,

You can have my all-in-one burial package

which includes a foam package shoebox,
ah... coffin,

at a mere two bucks over cost.

You got yourself a deal.

Hey, wait a minute, I'm not coughing up
my milk money, to bury a hairball.

Oh, come on Spinelli, it's for Speedy.

Hey! What do you kids
think you're doing over there?

Whoops. Got to go.

Oh, hey, King Bob, your highness.

Sir, we-we were just, ah...

Digging a hole.

Digging a hole in sixth grade territory?

How dare you? Take them
to the dodge ball wall.

But you don't understand, your majesty.

We're having a funeral for Speedy.

For Speedy? The hamster?

I didn't even know he was sick.

Why, when I was a mere
fourth grader like yourselves,

I used to talk to Speedy,

and tell him my hopes and dreams.

Of course, you can bury Speedy here.

In fact, I, King Bob,
will personally give the eulogy.

What is with you people?
Have you all gone insane?

It's a hamster!

A dumb, little, insignificant,
$ . hamster!

What's eating her?

How could one hamster
have so many friends?

Ahem. Kids of the playground,

we are gathered here today
to say goodbye to Speedy.

Speedy was more than a hamster.
He was a friend.

-In fact--
-Hey, are we late?

And you are...

Victor Vermicelli, captain of
the high school football team.

Me and the guys came as soon as we heard.

We knew Speedy back when we were
in the fourth grade.

Heck!

He used to be like a mascot to us.

[crying]

Ok, fine. Stand over there.

Way over there.

Anyway, for some of us,
Speedy was a friend,

for others, a mascot, for others--

[horn honks]

So, did we miss anything?

You bus drivers knew Speedy, too?

Sure. Back in fourth grade,

we probably played with Speedy,
more than we played with cars.

Great, fine. Just stand over there
with the big blubbering guy.

Anyway, like I was saying,

A friend, a mascot, a playmate,

Speedy was all of this and more.
In fact --

[siren wails]

I've come to pay my respects
to a great hamster.

Mayor Fitzhugh, you knew Speedy?

Knew him? I owe everything
to this little guy.

Back when I was a fourth grader,

this little hamster was my only friend.

He never laughed at my hopes,
and my dreams.

He just ran round, and round,
in his little wheel,

Telling me in his silent way,
"Keep moving, Fitzhugh.

Keep moving,
and they'll never indict you."

Thanks, Speedy. I'll never forget you.

? That's more than years ago.

Anyway, like I've been trying to say,

Friend, mascot, playmate, soul mate,

Speedy meant a bunch of stuff
to a lot of us, and, well...

Ah, heck, just bury the little fluff ball.

[playing "taps"]

No! Take me, too!

Ah!

Good sweet Mike!

Spinelli, what are you doing?

I loved the little rat, ok?

I loved everything about him, his cute
little nose, his cute little paws.

I'll never forget the first day
he looked up at me,

With those back bitty eyes,
and I saw love.

That's right, love!

I'll never love another hamster again.

Leave us alone!

[grunting]

[all gasp]

Speedy! Speedy!

Speedy?

Hey, did Speedy always have
a spot under his chin?

Spot under his chin?

No way, Speedy had a stripe down his back.

Stripe? Speedy had little white paws
like running shoes.

Running shoes?

Speedy was brown from head to toe.

[chattering]

Hey, this one's female!

-What?
-Yeah, the one in the picture is a girl,

but the Speedy I always knew was a boy.

-That means...
-They're not the same hamster!

[all gasp]

B-but how can this be?

[Miss Grotke] Perhaps I can explain.

Miss Grotke?

You see, the average hamster

only hangs out on this planet
for a couple of years,

and well, ah, we teachers weren't sure,

if you kids could handle the metaphysical
ramifications of you know... death.

What are you trying to say, Miss Grotke?

Well, it's like this,

from the day this school was built,

every fourth-grade class
has had a hamster named Speedy.

And whenever one d*ed,

we teachers would secretly replace it

with a new one before any of you
found out.

You mean you lied to us?

"Lie" is a harsh word, Mikey.

I prefer to say we massaged reality.

That explains it. I order to have known
all these people,

Speedy would have to have
been alive for decades.

But that means, this isn't my Speedy.

-Or mine.
-Or mine.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Wait!

Don't try and stop us, boy
We could become an ugly mob.

Now hold on. You're acting like babies.

[crying] I am not. I want my Speedy!

Look, maybe this Speedy
wasn't your Speedy,

or yours, or mine.

The fact is, every Speedy
was a Speedy to somebody.

Just because there's more than one,

doesn't change how any of us
felt about him.

And it doesn't change
what they taught us, either.

How to make a bed out of wood chips,

how to enjoy even the stalest bread,

how fun it can be to run in circles,

and most important, how to be a friend.

We gathered here today
to honor a great hamster,

only now we get to honor
a lot of great hamsters.

Not just my Speedy, but yours, and yours,
and yours, and even yours.

So, what do you say?

Let's do this thing right for Speedy!

I hereby declare this,

"The tomb of the unknown Speedy."

[all] Yay!

Speedy, we hardly knew ye.

[siren wails]

[crowd] Yeah! Way to go!

Ha ha ha.

-Ha ha ha.
-Ha ha ha.

[bell rings]