15x09 - Exquisite Corpses

[bunniefuu]

[SIREN WAILS]

Great idea coming out to the van

for movie night, babe.

Now I can laugh as loud as I want at
"Police Academy ."

Police? In school?

[LAUGHING] I mean, what the...

- Plus, we get some actual privacy.
- Pipe down.

Proctor's about to accidentally
enter the Blue Oyster bar.

This is a Channel
NewsBlast Ten Million.

Another body has been found

wearing an RB Burger bag over its head,

the seventh victim of
the RB Burger k*ller.

When will the grossly
incompetent Langley PD,

long believed to be the inspiration

for the "Police Academy" movies,

which I'm interrupting now,

bring the RB Burger k*ller to justice?

Now back to "Police Academy."

[g*nshots, FARTING]

Jeff, there's something I
wanted to talk to you about.

[LAUGHING] Oh, yeah?

I've been working some heavy
part-time hours over at Sub Hub,

so I have some money,

and these crazy murders
have really got me thinking.

I shouldn't wait to do nice
things for the people I love.

Is it happening?

Are you gonna stop talking during
"Police Academy"?

You know how we could
never afford wedding rings?

Well, I bought you one.

It's imitation Diamondesque,

but the ring part is real metal.

It looks like a princess's hand.

I feel bad, though.

I don't have the money
to buy one for you.

Don't worry about that.

I don't expect anything
from you in return.

You don't expect anything from me?

Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

What a relief!

We at RB Burger are stunned and saddened

by this recent rash
of senseless killings.

We wish to offer our
thoughts and prayers

to the victims and their families.

Plus, for one week, get a free small fry

with every mouthwatering
RB Western Cheeseburger.

Mmm, unforgettable smokiness!

Just as those who have been
k*lled will never be forgotten.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Now that Dad is gone,
I sing my go-to-school song ♪

♪ I sing my school song every day ♪

♪ La la la-la-la ♪

I'm out, too. Big day at work.

Got to fluff the shredded lettuce

and run the turkey
through the dishwasher.

I've also got a job,

fixing phone lines for Langley Bell.

Yep. I'm a pole climber now,

staring down heights and bad weather,

risking my life to
keep the lines running.

Another unsung blue-collar hero.

Everyone can feel free to
leave without talking, too.

Did I miss Hayley leaving for work?

Well, I scared Stan in his
car and made him crash.

Should we all go back to bed?

Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.

- [SIZZLING]
- [YAWNS]

Did I miss "The Price Is Right"?

Yeah, there was
a weirdly expensive dish soap.

$ .

Even Drew thought it was unfair.

What are you gonna do today, Mrs. S?

I'm not really taking
questions today, Jeff.

I wanted to go to Target

to buy the world's
shittiest mountain bike,

but our front door feels like
it's a million miles away.

Wow, Jeff. What is that?

Oh, yeah! It's my new wedding ring.

My old one was nothing.

Hayley got it for me.

[CLINK]

Uh, that's a metal sound.

What are you gonna get her?

That's the best part.

She said she doesn't
expect anything from me.

Free ring, basically.

Uh, Jeff, that's kind of a dig.

Kind of a huge dig.

No, no, no, she just means that, like,

I can't do the kind of
things that she can do.

That I'm not capable of it.

You know what?
That actually really stinks!

It's 'cause she has a job.

Stan's the same way.

He doesn't think I can pay for things

just because I don't have any money.

Same with my Steve.

He doesn't have a job,
but he goes to school,

and he just loves to
throw that in my face.

Steve's my partner in this situation.

I never realized how badly
those three treat us!

I let it slide a lot,

'cause I'm letting a
lot more go these days,

but it really gets me mad
when I think about it.

I need a drink.

Do they think we can't get jobs?!

We can get jobs anytime we want!

We could, but I don't want to.

I have a personality
type that makes it hard

to work for or with others.

I was tested, came up positive
for that personality type.

Me? I can't work in an office.

What if I want to eat
ribs at : a.m.?

Where would I even get them?

It's just not practical for me.

And I can't get a job

because legally I'm supposed
to be in Afghanistan.

But what if we started our own business?

We'd be bosses.

Like Boss Baby.

We'd be in charge.

Like Boss Baby!

Are we doing this?
Are we starting a business?

One, two...
we're gonna say "Boss Baby"... three!

♪ Good morning, U.S... ♪

No! The quiet version.

My head is k*lling me.

[QUIETLY] ♪ I've got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

[VOMITING]

You drank a lot yesterday
with Mom and Roger.

What were you doing?

I forget.

But I do remember one thing, babe.

You.

[VEHICLE APPROACHES, HORN HONKS]

- [AIR BRAKES HISS]
- What the hell?

I got a brand-new deluxe tour bus here

for Jeff, Francine, and Roger

Making Their Own Money That'll Show
'Em Incorporated?

You ordered a bus?

Did you...

Oh, did you think you were maybe
buying a miniature tour bus?

Nooo?

Then why is there a Hot Wheels
track set up in the living room?

And, of course,
there's the matter of the bill.

[LAUGHING]

Stupid scooter, stupid grass.

[GRUNTS] Aye-yi-yi.

Classic drunk idiots. I love it.

These adorable knuckleheads.

[LAUGHTER]

It's not funny.

We are starting a business.

Really? What is it?

Um, it's a business...

- That's...
- Called...

- Uhhh...
- Uhhh...

Uhhhhh...

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

- _
- Called the RB Burger k*ller...

Tour bus...

Uh...

- We...
- Are...

Going to...

To give tours...

- Of...
- Pass.

Tours of the RB Burger murders.

Yes! A m*rder...

Tour...

- Business.
- Volcano factory.

You all worked together to
make a pretty good sentence,

but it takes more than
that to run a business.

Oh, we're doing a business.

We can't do a business.

We have to return this thing.

But that's what they're gonna expect,

another screw-up from the
adorable knuckleheads.

I say we actually do the m*rder tour.

Hmm.

m*rder tours are a thing.

Yeah. When I was in L.A. for
"Wheel of Fortune" tryouts...

didn't get it, it's totally fixed,

it's all about how well you do...

I did the Charles Manson m*rder Tour.

It was darling!

This is our chance to show them.

We'll need money to pay for the bus,

marketing, fuel, sundries.

[GRUNTS] It's like you already need

to have a successful m*rder tour

to start a successful m*rder tour.

This stupid country!

[SIGHS] I know where we can get money.

I'll be back for the ring,
so don't sell it.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.

Because I can't dream.

Because I can't sleep.

Until I sell that chalice over there.

[DEMONIC VOICES]

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Bye.

_

We did it, guys! We're business owners.

Hayley will never
underestimate me again.

You got that right, buddy.

Also, with the purchase
of this VOSS water,

we're officially out of money.

We need each customer to tell people

to come tomorrow, or we're bankrupt.

Wait, what?

Mmm, VOSS.

Here come our customers now.

Hello. Hi.

- Oh, man, VOSS!
- Welcome.

Yes. Hey, Craig Robinson.

Don't treat me any differently
just because I'm me.

Keep movin', numbnuts.

Thank you.

Now, I want to direct everyone's
attention to your right,

my left, where you'll catch
a final tantalizing glimpse

of the parking lot we were just in.

We cannot see anything.

The windows are black.

Sun must have gone down fast,
is my first reaction.

The windows are tinted, like on a limo.

- Did it myself.
- You put the tint on backwards!

No one can see anything!

But Roger saves the day.

I've got pennies for everyone.

Just use them to scratch out
your own personal eyeholes.

That's right,
the tint material comes off

just like a lotto scratcher.

Pretty fun to see all
the little shavings, huh?

Are we finally ready to start?

Just as soon as all the
pennies are passed back to me.

♪ I am a lineman here in Langley ♪

♪ And I'm a fish
whose name is Klaus ♪

♪ Drinking coffee from a thermos ♪

♪ That I filled up at my house ♪

[SLURPS]

Ahh!

Now, to see where the third
RB Burger victim was found,

look to your left, my right,

or if I turn around also to my left,
still to your left.

The third victim?

Was that the Latvian backpacker

who brought the case
international attention?

Oh, my God. Dude, I don't know.

This isn't school.

You're not gonna get your d*ck touched

for asking a bunch of questions.

All you keep telling us is
what number victim it is.

And we're on to number four.

Before our look into
Langley's dark side continues,

we're gonna take a bit of a huge detour

to see where our very own
Francine went to high school.

Who the hell is Francine?

We want to see m*rder things!

- They hate the tour.
- Well, I hate them.

It's hard for me to even
look at their faces,

as many of them are so terribly ugly.

Your microphone is still on.

See what I was saying, Francine?

Ugly face, ugly voice.

Ugh, we're seeing basically
no good crime scenes.

I'm gonna leave them the worst review.

I'm Christine S. from Yelp.

Whoa, the Christine S.?

You put my food truck out of business.

Why'd you do that to him, Christine S.?

Don't worry about me, Craig Robinson.

My grandpa owns Foot Locker.

I just need him to die.

Christine S. is here.

A bad review from her
could shut us down forever!

[SIREN WAILING]

I'm getting an idea.

How much are your police scanners?

No, just take it.
They're going out of business.

We're not going out of business.

Why does everybody think that?

[BEEPING]

One wrecking ball hole

does not a going-out-of-business make.

What second wrecking ball hole?

- WOMAN: Ugh, this is so boring.
- [INDISTINCT TALKING]

This tour is lame.

You're right, but what if I told you

we could go to the freshest
crime scenes there are?

Thanks to this police scanner.

OFFICER: Patrol , do you copy?

Chimdale dispatch, do you read? Over.

Hopefully someone is k*lled soon.

OFFICER # : Officer Keith and I
are stopping for gas.

- OFFICER # : Copy that.
- Patrolling Weathervane Lane Estates,

seeing some really
incredible houses here.

The big, big copy on that.

That's basically my dream neighborhood.

We're losing the group.

Don't worry, I'll vamp.

Buhhhhhhh.

Attention all units,
deceased adult male discovered

at the Ogden Heights
Complex in East Lanceton.

Recent s*ab wound.
Suspect still at large.

There is, I repeat,
there is an RB Burger bag.

Yes!

Whoo! There is a God.

We're on our way.

Who said that?
Police only on this channel.

Aah!

Now, let's keep this crime scene
secure, Officer Blatt.

Everyone thinks we're incompetent

because we can't catch
this dang RB Burger k*ller.

No one's getting in or out.

Mmm, now, that's what I like to hear.

Whoops.

Whoops.

Just ridiculous.

Oh, mama! Need fresh breath.

Aah!

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Right this way. Lift the police tape.

That's just to keep out people

who aren't official tour members.

Just fantastic.

Wow. This is so vivid, so real.

"Real" is the password here, my friends.

And don't be afraid to touch.

Move the body around, look in the mouth.

It's your party, so make it yours.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

This body was stabbed to death,
but there's no Kn*fe.

Well, if I could educate you
a little bit here.

This k*ller, like most K*llers,
used an icicle as a Kn*fe.

Wouldn't that leave a puddle
where the icicle Kn*fe melted?

Today's K*llers are more sophisticated.

They bring a little towel
to mop the puddle up.

- Oh.
- Oh, that's interesting.

[TING!]

Oh, five stars, no doubt.

I'm telling everyone about this tour.

I'm calling the guy who played Roy
from "The Office"

- when I get home.
- Me too!

[RINGING]

Hey, g*ng, Klaus here.

I'm over in Lanceton,
strapped in and swapping a lasher.

Thought I'd jack us all in for
a little party-line action.

Anyway, the tour's going great.

I don't care.

[BEEP]

Not so fast, Stan.

I control everything from up here.

How... How did you make me
answer the phone?

♪♪

That was a hell of an idea, Jeff.

No one in the family believed in us,

but look at how happy these guys are.

Look at the smiles, the energy.

That one has a Kn*fe.

- Wait, what?
- More good news!

We came with people,
but we're leaving with .

Bonus customer!

And the new guy has a Kn*fe!

Could be the missing m*rder w*apon.

Wouldn't that be a
coup for the Blood Bus?

It's the k*ller, isn't it?

♪♪

Maybe.

Let's keep our eye on him,
see if he does anything weird.

JEFF: The RB k*ller is on our bus.

Unless it's not him.

Hey, how big is your head?

Would it fit in this bag?

Why don't we just see if it does?

- This is unbelievable.
- I'll say.

Never would've thought
that thing would fit.

She has a massive head.

Do you guys think I have a massive head?

- Yes.
- [BLEEP] you.

We need to call the cops.

But that'll ruin our reviews.

Let's just drop everyone
off safely at their cars,

then call the cops.

But he could just grab
a hostage at any moment.

I'll handle the k*ller.

I'll wrap him up in my
smooth tour-guide patter

and keep him nice and calm.

Jeff, I got to know,
is it hard to drive a bus?

No, it's easy.

You just keep the bus
above miles per hour

so it doesn't blow up.

Good news and bad news.

The good news is, I'm in love.

I've heard that homicidal
maniacs can be very charming,

and that is for real.

I went back there to distract him.

He looked right into my eyes,
and I just fell.

As for the bad news,
why don't you tell them, lover?

You're all coming with me

into the sewers to my lair.

- You're a k*ller?
- Yes.

The RB k*ller?

My name is Matthew, but yes.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Everything that's happening
is part of the tour.

Yes. Yes!

He's just an actor playing the m*rder*r.

Oh, right.

Right, I think I recognize him.

He was in "Terms of Endearment."

It's Jack Nicholson.

"About Schmidt"?

CRAIG: Wow,
these are surprisingly roomy sewers.

ROGER: Little historical tidbit...

They almost made them wider.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

[BRAKES SQUEAK, HISS]

Everybody off.

I like the way this looks.

Oh, wow.

Every person I k*ll is a message,

a prayer,

and when that prayer is heard,

I believe in my heart that
RB Burger will bring back

the long-discontinued Big Beef Blopper.

The Big Beef Blopper?

Yes, it was a limited-time offering.

It's a burger.

Yes. I really, really want one again,

and it's been years.

I even tried to make my own,

but they use some kind of celery salt

or taco spice or something.

I don't know.

The meat was, like, tangy.

Can't you just ask them to bring
the burger back on Facebook?

Facebook is for r*cist grandmas.

Wait a minute.

This isn't Jack Nicholson's house.

And now to sacrifice
all of you one by one

to my important cause!

- JEFF: No!
- Jeff, don't worry.

He can s*ab me up for days.
It won't k*ll me.

I'm gonna cut your head off.

Uh-oh, Jeff, my one weakness.

I told you that in confidence.

We're through.

Help! My tour has been
taken over by the RB k*ller!

[STATIC HISSING]

It won't work underground.

- Trying to call the cops?
- Aah!

Why can't you support
me in what I'm doing?

Don't you want me to have what I want,
eat what I want?

Someone tell my babe, "Bye, babe."

RB Burger Corporation, hear my plea

and bring back the Blopper
you've taken from me.

No!

I'm okay.
The Kn*fe just stabbed me in my belly.

Everyone, restrain him!

He can't overpower us all!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

We're saved!

Alright, that's a little
too much restraining.

Hey, that's my boyfriend's Kn*fe.

Wait, wait, wait! You're k*lling him!

Stop! Let this happen.

Oh, my God. They k*lled him!

Why?

Because we're m*rder fans,

and this was a once-in-a-lifetime chance

to Dexter this guy.

We have to tell the police.

No, we don't.

He was a bad man, and now he's dead,

and there's not going to be a body.

Anyone have a hacksaw on them?

- Yes.
- Oh, I do, too.

[SAWING]

I'd really like to go home now.

Yeah, let's get out of here.
This place reminds me of my ex.

I don't know if you
noticed my batting glove.

- I did.
- I lost the ring you gave me.

Well, I didn't lose it.

I sold it to start a business,

but then the business failed,

even though nobody got cut
to pieces in the sewers

and all the money was gone and
the pawnshop sold the ring.

Oh, yeah, he, uh,
sold it to me, actually.

I went in there to
watch some arm wrestling

they were hosting and
recognized the ring.

So you bailed me out again? Great.

Honestly, Jeff, I'm impressed

that you didn't just
drop it down the toilet.

And I got you something else.

Another gift I'll
never be able to match.

How wonderful.

Oh, man, how did you know?

[IMITATING ENGINE REVVING]

It's been three days without
an RB Burger-related m*rder.

So the Langley PD have declared
the case officially solved.

And to celebrate,

we are bringing back a
discontinued treat...

our Big Beef Blopper.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

To die for!

Have a great night.