15x16 - First, Do No Farm

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

(STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING AND CLAPPING)

Uhp. Sorry.
That's my e-mail notification.

Ooh! Looks like it's official.

You're looking at the newest member

of an exclusive little club known as...

Scientology.

- You became a Scientologist?
- It wasn't easy.

They did everything they
could to discourage me.

Wow. Just think.

You might get to go to
Kirstie Alley's funeral!

- (SOBBING WILDLY)
- What's wrong?

(SOBBING) He's dead!

- Jeff?
- No!

Tom Green!

I just saw on Twitter, and he...

Oh, Gaww-hoddddd!

(RETCHING)

This is ridiculous.

I'll have to call in sick for work.

What?! Was he your ride or something?

Babe! Good news!

Turns out it was just one
of his hilarious pranks!

Well, now I feel like a fool!

I won't be able to go to work all week!

(JEFF AND HAYLEY SOBBING)

(SIGHS)

Where did I go wrong, Klaus?

How did Hayley end up as soft

as my prized Toronto
Raptors micro fleece throw?

And what will become of her
if she doesn't toughen up?

It's time for me to go...

on one of my famous drives.

(STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING AND CLAPPING)

Oh. Look who just got a % off coupon

for all sectionals at wayfair.com.

Scientology's already working its magic.

(PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

STAN: How did Hayley become so weak?

Did I fail her as a father?

Will she be able to take care
of herself when I'm gone?

How can I make her tough?

- STAN: Ugh!
- (WHIRRING)

- _
- I can't think with all this racket!

I need to go deeper
into the countryside.

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CLANGING)

No more distractions.

At last, my head is clear.

(CLANGING)

(AIR HISSING)

(GASPS)

FARMER: Lost your way, city slicker?

Are you a good hillbilly
or a bad hillbilly?

I'm a farmer. And this here's my farm.

Don't worry.
We'll get ya unstuck right quick.

(CLICKING)

(WHISTLES)

Mother. Dan-boy.

Birthin' the sow'll have to wait.

We got a man here needs our help.

- (SQUIRT!)
- (PIGLET SQUEALING)

Well, let's git to it, then.

(ALL GRUNTING)

Strong.

(ALL GRUNTING, PIGLET SQUEALING)

(FLESH SLICES)

Gah! (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

Resilient.

(ALL GRUNTING, PIGLET SQUEALING)

(BEAR ROARS)

Raaaah!

(BEAR ROARS)

Unh! Unh! Unh! Ugh!

Toughness.
The very yin to weakness' yang.

How did you come to be
so strong, so resilient?

Well, I reckon farm life
just makes ya Farm Tough.

Farm Tough.

Here. At least let me Venmo
you a little barn-dance money

to thank you for your trouble.

We don't go in much for
electronic doodads and gewgaws.

Keep things a mite simpler
out here on the farm.

Thick as rhino skin.

Dan-boy, if it's not
too forward of me, may I...

have one of your calluses?

You got a flapper here.
I could just give it a little twist.

- I'd prefer you didn't.
- I've already got it.

Came right off. Damn.

I bet I could use this
thing as a guitar pick!

(IMITATING ELECTRIC-GUITAR RIFF)

♪♪

Callus, callus, show me true.

Why is Hayley not tough, too?

Hmm. Not showing me a vision.

Guess I'll just go take a look myself.

(LAUGHTER ON TABLET, DEVICES BEEPING)

Of course! Look at them

with all their electronic
doodads and gewgaws!

No wonder Hayley's as soft as my prized

Merino wool Charlotte Hornets beanie.

♪♪

(CATTLE MOOING)

There's the vision!
Callus, I could kiss you!

FRANCINE: Stan, what are you doing?

Nothing!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS)

I call this Smith
family meeting to order.

(BANGING)

Hmm. Bread's fresher than usual.

Now, there's no easy way
to say this, so here goes.

This family is soft. Especially Hayley.

Actually, that was pretty easy.

- What?
- Well, no more.

Ugh! You've still got that thing?

It's time,
through hard work and simple living,

for the Smith family
to become... Farm Tough.

Oop. Dropped my callus
in the baked ziti.

Everybody just be aware.

Anyway, I say
we leave our city lives behind

and move to a farm!

Oh, yeah! I'm gonna be the
toughest little farm boy ever!

Playing with horsies
and moo-moos all day.

Mee-ow!

And my first celebrity crush

was that old farmer in that painting...

(TURNED ON) holding
that big-ass pitchfork.

A simple farm life, you say?
Oh, man, I just don't know.

I think it would be good for us.

I guess I'm open to being convinced,

but I'm really on the fence here.

- Let's have a vote.
- Okay, but I'm still undecided.

All in favor?

Damn it, Hayley!

Per Smith family bylaws,

all family votes must be unanimous.

We know, Kevin!

Look, I do like the idea
of living more sustainably,

but we don't need to move to a farm.

Hey, why don't we try
urban homesteading?

That's when people in
cities do small-scale

farming in their backyards.

(SIGHS) Fine. All in favor?

(GAGS) I just swallowed the callus.

♪♪

Okay, so, farming.

Um, we're probably gonna need
some dirt, right?

Should we... buy it? Or make it?

That's great, sweetie.
Let me just scooch ya over here a bit.

You're right in the
path of the bulldozer.

Thanks, Dad. And...
In the what of the what, now?

- (SCREAMS)
- (RUMBLING)

To get Farm Tough,
we're gonna need more room to farm.

Come on!
I got overalls for everyone out back!

Whoa! You guys!
Come check out this huge pile of worms!

Okay. See ya at the overalls!

♪♪

Dad, this is not what we agreed to!

Sure it is.
This was your idea, Hayley...

Urban homesteading,
farming right in the heart of the city.

Small-scale farming!

Well, if it's small-scale
that gets your engine revving,

you're gonna love our
new tiny farmhouse.

Come on, everybody.
I'll give you the tour.

How are we gonna sleep?

Not on a stack of downy
mattresses, princess.

For the last time,
I didn't say, "I felt a pea."

I said my mattress "smelled like pee."

- I peed the bed.
- Anyway, I'll show you

how you'll sleep,
'cause it's bedtime anyway.

We're on farm hours now.
Bed by : . Up at : .

- Steve-boy, this is you.
- I can't fit in there.

Just give it a try, Steve-boy.

- Yes, Mother.
- Correction.

Now that we're farm folk,

I'm the one who calls my wife "Mother."

Night! (GRUNTING)

STEVE: Oh, God!

Roger.

Hayley and Jeff.

And, Mother,
if you open up this oil painting

of blond Jesus,
there's a cupboard behind.

(STEVE GASPS)

Hello!

- (GRUNTS)
- Aah!

Hi.

Ohh!

Stan, this is Amos.

- (GRUNTING)
- Hey.

(HAYLEY GASPS)

Amos! It's not what it looks like!

(COUNTRY FIDDLE PLAYS)

(GRUNTING) Oh, yeah!

I feel myself gettin' tougher already!

Mornin', neighbor!

Well, look who it is.

Sun's already almost up,
Sleeping Beauty.

I was stuck in the wall fighting
off hundreds of tiny spiders!

Oh, yeah,
we're raising spiders now, too.

I'm gonna sell 'em
to a Spider-Man movie!

Which we'll never see, of course,

because we're foregoing
all modern technology.

On pain of shunning?

Done! We'll need maximum discipline

because this homestead must succeed.

I quit my job and took out a mortgage

with a % interest rate
to pay for the renovations.

- You did what?!
- The bankers were high-fiving

while I signed the paperwork.

Looking back,
probably should've been a red flag.

Maybe we need to worry less
about me becoming Farm Tough

and more about you being so Farm Stupid!

(GASPS) Shun 'er, Stan!

She talketh back to thee, dude!

Hold up. Wait, though.
I want to get this for my TikTok.

(GASPS) Gewgaw!

Aw, sh*t. I'mma get shunned, aren't I?

Roger has violated
the rules of the farm.

He must be shunned.

It was one mistake,
and we just came up with the rule.

Why are you being so hard on him?

Because modern luxuries make us soft.

Roger, you are shunned.

Whatever. I'm still the most
Amish mother-(BLEEP) here.

(WHIRRING)

- ♪♪
- _

- (BEEP)
- Hey, Stan.

I just want to give you an update

on the K-dog's adventures
in Scientology.

Long story short, it works!

I had a major personal breakthrough.

I realized...

that b*ttlefield Earth is a cool movie!

- (ALARMS BLARING)
- Ohp. Gotta go.

They're starting it again,
and I don't want to be late

because if you are,
they b*at you senseless.

All right.
Tell everyone I'm doing great.

Xenu later, alligator!

(GIGGLES)

- ♪♪
- _

Aaaah! I broke my leg!

Rabbit hole. We got varmints.

That's bad. But the pain'll
toughen Steve up. That's good.

Should we all break our legs? Yes!

Everybody, line up!

(GASPS) Varmint!

Stop! You don't have to k*ll it!

Yes, we do, Hayley!

Varmints suck the very
lifeblood out of a farm.

Rabbits, termites, orangutans.

The only good varmint is...

A dead varmint?

No! A rock-'n'-roll gopher,

like that zany little
troublemaker from Caddyshack.

We can keep it away from our
crops without k*lling it.

I'm gonna go release it in the
woods at the end of the block.

Hayley, how are you still so
far from being Farm Tough?

Dan-boy will never accept
my dowry if you're this soft.

I'm already married to Jeff!

(GASPS) But I promised
Dan-boy a brawny virgin!

Oh, no. Your leg is broken.

(OWL HOOTING)

(WOLVES SNARLING)

(OWL HOOTING, r*fle COCKS)

(WOLF SNARLING)

(OWL HOOTS)

Sorry, little guy.
This is gonna hurt a bit.

(OMINOUS CHORDS STRIKE)

STAN: Suppertime!

(CLICKING)

Uh, that's it? But, Pa, I'm so hungry.

Well, if you're thinking
about sneakin' extra carrots,

you are gunnin' for a shunnin'.

You know the rules... no electric stuff,

no extra food, no creature comforts.

(TURNED ON) So strict, so strong.

Why don't you join old Mother
Hubbard in her cupboard

and give this creature a little comfort?

(BLOWS)

Yes, ma'am!

(STAN MOANING,
FRANCINE GIGGLING AND MOANING)

I'm gonna have my carrot outside.

Wait! Take me with you!

- (BONE CRACKS)
- Unh!

STAN: Mother, may I?

FRANCINE: Ohh, you may!

STAN (GRUNTING): Ohh.

♪♪

Looks like you're all healed up!

See? How much trouble could
one widdle shbunny-shmunchkin

like you cause, anyway?

(CRUNCHING)

(GRUNTING AND GIGGLING)

BUNNY (GRUNTING): Ehh.

This is all my fault.

I... coddled a varmint.

Well, with no carrots to sell,

it's only a matter of time
before we lose the farm.

I've heard tell of a man
six counties over

might buy our goat.

If I don't make it back,
tell your mother...

sorry I busted my nut so quick.

She'll know what it means.

Let me try to make this right.

There's still time to
re-plant and harvest

- the crops before winter.
- You can try.

But with Steve-boy lame,

Jeff-boy sick with TB and
Mother-boy tending to him,

you'll have to do it all
on your own, Hayley-boy.

♪♪

(CRUNCHING)

♪♪

(g*nsh*t)

(GRUNTING)

♪♪

♪♪

(SCREAMING)

(THUNDER CRASHES)

♪♪

I did it.

- (MUSIC THUMPING)
- ♪ Boy ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

♪ There's v*olence ♪

♪ And and a-lots of work to be done ♪

♪♪

♪ No place to hang out our washing ♪

♪ And and I can't blame all
on the sun, oh, no ♪

♪ I love my secret room
of electric stuff and food ♪

♪ And all my creature comforts ♪

PEPPY ROBOT: Time extension.

You've been sneaking down here

since the very first day, haven't you?!

Breaking all your own stupid rules!

Hey, this has always been

about making you Farm Tough. Not me.

Well, guess what. I have become tough.

Tough enough to know you can't show

a varmint like you any mercy.

So, Dad, you are...

shunned!

Well, at least let me go back
for my digital cocktail scale

that I... Gah!

Smiths! What's the good word?

Movin' right along!

♪♪

(CRUNCHING)

You must really miss
your family, huh, Stan?

Think you'll be able to go back soon?

Hoo, wouldn't bet on it.
Shunning's serious business.

But on the bright side,
I succeeded in my goal.

Hayley is tougher than
a thousand Jason Momoas.

By the way, I accidentally
ordered nine p*rn last night.

Sometimes it's crazy what
great parenting looks like.

- Closer than you might think!
- What?

Oh. Oh, I thought maybe you just said,

"I wonder where Roger is right now."

- Nope.
- Well, here I am anyway.

Yeah, after you shunned me,

I kind of fell in with the varmints.

Got any vegetables going here?

Too risky over at the old Smith farm,

ever since Hayley took over.

Yep, she's tough as nails.

I don't know, Stan.
Maybe you should take a look

at what being tough
has really done to her.

(SPITS)

(SPITS)

H-Hayley?

I was wonderin',
since the harvest come in so good,

maybe we could afford to
call a doctor for Jeff-boy?

He's in a bad way.

(SPITS) Ya don't waste a bone
on a dyin' dog, woman.

(ROCK-'N'-ROLL MUSIC PLAYS)

(GASPS)

♪♪

- (GASPS)
- Set a pot to boil.

And I don't wanna hear
another word outta you,

or you're goin' in the box.

But Steve-boy's already in the box.

I can make another box.

STEVE: When can I come
out the box, sister?

I said no talkin' in there!
Punishment increased!

(POSSUM SNARLING)

(STEVE SCREAMING)

(JEFF COUGHING)

Ugh. Jeff-boy.

Time to take that dyin' dog to the woods

what he don't attract
critters when he croaks.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(WEAKLY) Whoa.

This takes me back
to our wedding night, babe.

Ohh.

I'm gonna give it to you so good.

The farm has made Hayley too tough.

So, to get the old Hayley back,
we gotta take that farm down.

- What are you thinking?
- Good old-fashioned sabotage.

Varmint sabotage?

TOGETHER: Rabbitage!

Let's do it!

And do we contact Weird Al's people,

see if he's interested in
"Rabbitage" as a song idea,

make ourselves a little scratch?

It'd be pretty cool to
collaborate with Weird Al,

but I don't see it happening.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ IIIII'll nab cabbage
and do plant damage ♪

♪ I'mma masticate, the crops I take ♪

♪ You can't grow carrots
while I'm in here ♪

♪ Now my bunny ears cause
your bunny fears so ♪

♪ While you re-seed and wonder why ♪

♪ Your farm's in ruins,
corn has all d*ed ♪

♪ Holes in sod, missing cabb-age ♪

♪ I'm tellin' y'all it's rabbitage ♪

♪ Listen, all y'all, it's rabbitage ♪

♪ Listen, all y'all,

it's rabbitage ♪

♪ Listen, all y'all, it's rabbitage ♪

♪ Listen, all y'all, it's rabbitage ♪

Varmints! I'm comin' fer you!

♪ Whoooooooa ♪

♪ Whoooooooa ♪

(CRUNCHING)

That's right, Stan. I found a way.

(WALKIE CLICKS)

This farm's as good as done for, Roger.

Just be careful of all these traps.

ROGER: Uh, luckily for me,

I'm a bit smarter
than an actual rabbit, Stan.

Would ya look at that?
Somebody left a perfectly good

sploop of peanut butter
underneath this bucket.

- (BUCKET CLANGS)
- HAYLEY: Varmint!

ROGER: Aah!

(g*nsh*t)

♪♪

Aah!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

- (g*n COCKS)
- Do it, Hayley.

I've been depressed
for a good, long while now.

Hayley, stop! Roger, we'll get you help.

Listen. I owe you an apology.

What good is making you tough enough

to take care of yourself
if along the way,

you lose everything that made you

such a kind, compassionate,
wonderful person to begin with?

I miss that Hayley. The soft Hayley.

(SOFTLY) Well, I guess...

(STERNLY) I'll be killin'
two varmints today.

- Can't sh**t through a blanket!
- Get this thang offa me!

So got-dang... soft!

And plush, and...

(MUSIC PLAYS, AUDIENCE CHEERING)

James Corden. So mildly amusing.

(MUSIC AND CHEERING CONTINUE)

♪♪

Mm. Creature comforts.

Wow. I guess I got
a little carried away, huh?

(STAN AND ROGER SIGH)

I'm just glad to have you back,
baby girl,

and that we put
everything back to normal

before anybody really got hurt.

So cold.

Jeff! Thank God!

They're hunting me, Jeff.

They do not like it when
you joke about Xenu.

Or when you wear a wire
for Xenu York Times.

Bye! Have a great time!