16x12 - Lumberjerk

[bunniefuu]

[ LOUD FIDDLE MUSIC PLAYS]

Stan, it's 5:00 a.

m.

- [ MUSIC STOPS]

- On opening day of the state fair! Just 25 measly miles between me and those gates.

[ FIDDLE MUSIC RESUMES]

25 miles until I get to heeeaven Ah! [GRUNTS]

25 miles until I reach the gaaates [GAGGING]

[SQUEAKING]

25 miles until I get to the state fair Where me, ole Stanny-boy Can plaaaaaay [ MUSIC STOPS]

Gross.

Dad, put a shirt on.

And [SCOFFS]

what's with the denim? This is my state fair outfit, ya doofus.

It's opening day.

The only day the lumberjacks are there signing autographs.

And this year, I'm getting my poster signed.

Huh.

Weird.

That's how you're spending your yearly bonding day - with Jeff? - Wait.

What? 'Cause my wife wants her dad to see I'm not worthless Yes! It's Stan and Jeff's bondage daaaaaay! No! That can't be today.

Hey, this guy's hot.

When I was little, I used to play pretend lumberjack.

Play pretend? Hayley, he's doing it again.

He's being an idiot.

Dad! He looked up that word the last time you said it, and he might still know what it means.

Look, I can't have this boy with me around the L-Jacks.

He's embarrassing.

Well, that was our bet.

You said our marriage wouldn't last a year.

It was a safe bet.

Half of marriages end in divorce.

Why can't yours? So now you have to hang out with Jeff one day a year.

Fine.

Okay.

But he's such an ignoramus? - Sure.

Give it a spin.

- Ignoramus! Ooh! Are we playing dinosaurs?! - Sure.

- Rawr! I'm the great and powerful Ignoranus! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Aah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

The fair has many distractions, but we're here for one thing and one thing only.

The jackin' zone.

Oh, maaan! I crinkled it all up! I'm a stupid idiot.

Tissue for your tears, sir? Is this a paper towel? [CHUCKLES]

Well.

I am a lumberjack.

Wow! That's quite a jaw you have.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Say, have you ever thought about jackin', my friend? R-r-r-really?! Like with a big old axe? Totally! With an axe, a beard.

All the lumberjack things.

We compete in the Langley woods off route 80.

We've even got an amateur division, and there's an opening in doubles.

You could, uh, join up with your son here.

This guy's not my son.

[CLICKING]

This is my son.

Whoa.

Babe alert.

Thanks for pretending you're my mom so I can get my ears pierced, Mrs.

Smith.

No problem.

I want my son's friends to look hot.

Snot, look! It's one of those contests! Whoever keeps their hand on the truck longest wins it.

Wow.

A truck would be a godsend.

My mom has had to pick up a lot of farm work lately.

Winning this truck could be the difference between life and death for us.

And if we win it, we could park it on Tuttle's front lawn for a joke! [STEVE AND FRANCINE LAUGH]

- Oh! Let me in there! - It's starting! - Check it out! - Ooh, ooh, ooh! This kind of contest brings out the worst in people.

Don't trust anybody.

They're just trying to get your hand off the truck.

Got it.

Oh, to help us pass the time, why don't you show us your famous Sicilian grandmother impression, Snot? [ITALIAN ACCENT]

Ah-ha! Whenaya gonna get a-married-uh? That kid took his hand off! Steve! How could you? Take a hike, rookie.

[METAL SCRAPING]

Hop in, Schmuley! We gotta get this cow to Lancaster county! [DOOR CREAKS, METAL SCRAPING]

STAN: Oh, Buckle would be a great lumberjack partner.

- [BEEP, LINE RINGING]

- BUCKLE: Yello? Buckle, my man! How'd you like Ha! You've reached my machine! - Leave a message! - [ BEEP]

[CHUCKLES]

Nobody makes me laugh harder than you, Buckle.

You're a real d*ck.

[BEEP]

Lewis, I'm looking for a partner to jack with.

Oh, no, no, no.

I-I mean lumber jack.

- [ CLICK]

- Hello? d*ck, what's up? Hooper, my bud.

Dooper.

Bullock, sir, I need your help.

Hello, Tuttle.

Ms.

Peaches, you may not remember me, but you taught me art in elementary school.

Huh.

Girl Smith? Probably Hayley or Francine.

- Could be someone else.

- [BEEP]

Hey, Dad.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Hey, Hayley.

Will you please be my lumberjack partner? Oh.

This is the thing Jeff was telling me about.

He said he really wanted to do this with you.

Yeah, anybody but him.

Dad, just do it with him.

He might actually be helpful.

And if he's not, I will never make you do bonding day again.

[BEEP]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING]

Damn it! Hanging out with Jeff to never hang out with Jeff again? It's a gotdang Catch-Jeffy-2! The world's so sucky! [BREATHES DEEPLY]

[BEEP]

I've considered your offer.

I think it's a fair deal.

You know I can hear you, right? We share a wall.

Howdy, partner! [INSECTS CHIRPING]

Wow.

It's amazing how many people got phone calls and suddenly ran off for no reason.

Oh, there was a reason.

Ever heard of"arson"? You had their homes b*rned down? Well, I don't wanna brag.

Get off my truck! My wife's in labor! - No late joiners.

- [BREATHING SHARPLY]

The contest already started, buddy.

And ended! That was this morning.

I didn't want a hot hardbody.

That's why I parked in the shade.

What do you think, mom? She does look pregnant.

In labor, my ass! Put your cervix on the glass! [BREATHING SHARPLY]

AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: Welcome, lumberjacks! We have a very exciting doubles heat for you today! Next up on the standing block chop, a team making their amateur debut Stan Smith and Jeff Fister! Fister.

That's how I signed you up.

'Cause you're worthless, just like a fist.

Ready positions! [p*stol FIRES]

[TWANG!]

Oww! AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: Look at him go! Not since Woody Woodpecker himself have I seen anybody chewin' up wood like this! Oh, my God.

This Fister guy is better than me.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

It's a record! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Wow! Fister! That was amazing! Fister's not his name! That was my hilarious joke! Plus, I got that log started like 90%.

So, really, you guys should be impressed by me.

And my Jack hands.

Fellow L-Jacks call 'em "Jack Hands," as my friends can attest, Jeff.

It's what happens when you jack so hard and fast, Jeff.

AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: As we reach the middle of the lumberjacking season, no team has been more fun to watch than Smith and Fister.

Let's see them work their magic in doubles speed-climbing.

[p*stol FIRES]

Fister taking charge, carrying Smith like a reverse kangaroo! [BELL CLANGS]

I am Smith, vertical wood cheetah! Oh, you looked so sexy scaling that tree, babe.

Minus my dad humping your back.

Thanks, babe.

But you know what's really sexy? Finally getting to have some quality time with your dad.

What are you talking about? He's using you to look good in front of the lumberjacks, and he's not giving you any credit.

Jeff, I'm taking the L-Jacks back to my place for some F-Jacks.

That's flapjack, as any real jack-jock would already know and not need explained, at the dear cost of slowing down the exit of the Jack Pack.

Peace out! That's a real D-Bag move.

Maybe you should think about ditching my dad and going solo.

I don't know, babe.

I'm so close to him realizing I'm not worthless.

Of course you're not worthless.

You're my whole world.

Can you find your own ride home? I'm getting trashed with Danuta at the Pickle Palace tonight.

She's in a sexual relationship with some of the bartenders there.

Peace out! Wow.

Danuta.

Good for her.

How many times must I tell you? This is not a contest.

This is my life Hey, is that breast milk? Can I get a pull? If you people get out of my garage, you can have all the breast milk you want! Puh-lease.

When I win this truck, women will be chucking breast milk at me.

- [CHEWING]

- STAN: Mm.

Oh.

Now, me and Jeff don't always eat Flappy-Js another word for F-Jacks, Jeff, try to keep up with our shirts off, but I just thought you guys should see how much better my body is than my partner's.

HAYLEY: [SLURRING]

Your partner's? [CRUNCHING]

- [GLASS SHATTERS]

- Shyeah right.

Jeff's the only one choppin' and sawin'.

He might as well be on his own.

Psh.

Yeah, okay, whatever.

Can you guys believe this nonsense? [CHEWING]

See? They all know it's true.

- Jeff's better off without you.

- That's ridiculous.

And there's no way to know for sure who's better anyway.

So you'll just have to trust me and the guys that I'm better.

There's a solo competition.

Bring it on.

I would "bring it on," obviously, but it's probably not the season.

He's right.

It's not the season.

Well, you lucked out this time, Jeff.

Your embarrassment will just have to wait.

Season starts Tuesday.

[SOFT RUMBLING]

Roger, you gotta help me! - Gooo awayyyy.

- Roger, please.

You gotta teach me everything you know about solo jacking.

And to be clear, I mean Singles competition timber sports.

What else could you mean? But why? - Ugh.

It's a whole thing with Jeff - Say no more.

Well, I do want to give a few more details.

Do you remember when we first met Jeff and he was only wearing one flip-flop? - - So, not only was the watermelon seedless Stop, stop, stop! You wanna look good in front of those gorgeous-ass lumberjacks.

Just give me a second.

Huge Jeanman-Jackman.

Lumberjack coach.

Listen, I used to be the greatest coach of Lumber Jerks in the Pacific Northwest 'til I punched a student in the face.

And then I punched another.

Got a teensy drinking problem.

I've punched every single one of 'em.

Gaaah! I wanna sock your ugly mug so bad, I can taste it! But I respect boundaries.

I'm not your coach.

You're hired.

Ugh! Unh! Oops.

I shouldn't have done that before I did this.

[SLURRING]

When my hair's a-danglin', I've been a-drinkin'.

And now I can do this.

- Unh! - And back to this! And back and forth! Enh! Unh! Unh! Ad infinitum! Unh! Unh! Unh! [PUNCHES LANDING]

[p*stol FIRES]

Whoo-ooh! Hair's a-danglin'! [GASPS]

[p*stol FIRES]

[APPLAUSE]

Ugh! I instantly regret throwing my pickle! Ah, that's my cue.

Get your replacement pickles here! Pickles for chuckin' and chewin'! I oughta punch your pickle! Ooh! Oh, no, you don't.

Hoppity-boppity-boppity-boppity- boppity-boppity-boppity-boppity! [CLICK]

[CHAINSAW BUZZING]

[CHAINSAWS BUZZING]

AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: Smith and Fister are neck-and-neck as they saw through their final cookie! This is gonna be really close! A tie! A tie! Fister and Smith both qualify for the world championship in Alaska! Roger, your training worked! Hit me again! I wanna smoke Jeff in Alaska.

I'm happy to hit you, Stan, but it's gonna be with the truth.

You'll never win in Alaska.

Of course I will.

You saw me out there.

I did.

But Alaska? That's the championships.

They're gonna check to make sure the wood isn't butter.

How can wood be butter? I have been replacing all your wood with a simulacrum made of the product butter.

Butterwood.

The trick wood you've been chopping and sawing.

We've been cheating.

You're a terrible lumberjack! [GROANS]

Aw.

Don't be sad.

How 'bout a couple of quick punches to cheer me up? [FABRIC SWISHING]

Gah! [GROANS]

Coat's loud as hell, man.

My puffy patagonia? Won't fit in my suitcase, so I'm wearing it on the plane.

Why aren't you ready? Oh, I'm not going to Alaska.

What? Why?! I have to get my veneers replaced.

I know, I know.

Doesn't look like I have veneers or would even be a person who gets veneers.

But now you know my very expensive secret.

[POP!]

[SQUISHING]

Roger, I need your help.

I can't b*at Jeff without cheating! I gotchya.

Hand me that turbo booster over there.

You're gonna turbo boost Jeff's chainsaw.

This puppy will make his saw too powerful to control.

Turbo boost him right out of the championship.

Thank you so much.

Please, Stan, just leave.

My head, your voice.

[FABRIC SWISHING]

And your [BLEEP]

jacket! [ENGINE RUMBLING]

[PASSENGERS SNORING]

[POOF!]

Oh, mama.

Look at that saw! I gotta feel the heft of that baby.

Ohh.

Just a little tugaroo won't k*ll anyone.

[SOFTLY]

Wait! It's been turbo-boosted! You can't possibly control it! [COCKY]

I think I can control it.

No! You're not a professional lumberjack! - You're just a pilot! - [GASPS]

Lumberjack superhero Put that down! You'll never be a lumberjack! Now get inside and study your pilot books! I don't want your life! [SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

Screw you, Dad! [MOTOR STARTS]

[PILOT SCREAMING]

[PLANE ENGINES WHINING]

[PILOT SCREAMS]

[YELLING]

TAMMY: Get those people out of our garage, Bob! What sort of limp-d*ck man did I even marry, Bob?! Tammy's really letting Bob have it in there.

This is getting pretty real, Mom.

Maybe Don't you say it, Steve! Maybe this isn't a contest? [SOBBING WILDLY]

Please just leave! You people are ruining my marriage! Steve.

STEVE: Aaaaaaaah! [STEVE SOBBING]

Please forgive us, Bob! [FRANCINE SOBBING]

[CHUCKLING]

Bobby, baby, we did it! We were in it together all along, you fools! We win the hardbody! Honey, return that baby! We're one-half owner of an old orange truck! KLAUS: Klaaaaaaus wiiiiins! Klaus? - [POP!]

- That's right.

It's me! Klaus! The proud new owner of a Klaus-orange hardbody.

And I'll be doing celebratory burnouts in my new old truck as soon as I find my misplaced driving cane.

Oh, I know where that cane is.

Steve knows where it is! [WIND WHISTLING]

[POOF!]

M-m-m-m-my p-p-p-puffy p-pat patagonia jacket saved me! Shh! You'll attract predators.

How did you survive with such a, no offense, flat jacket? I slowed my fall with this axe.

And that tree.

Whoa! They're gonna be looking for us.

We need to build a signal tower.

Here.

You're just whippin' axes at me now, Jeff? Is there anything you won't stoop to to keep me from b*ating you at the championships? Stop it, Mr.

S.

There's not gonna be a championship.

Every other lumberjack is dead.

Oh, my God.

Guaranteed silver.

Look, I know we're not a team anymore, but we're gonna have to work together to survive.

You start clearing that tree for firewood.

I'm gonna find my chainsaw and get goin' on a signal tower.

Wait, wait, wait! Don't start that saw! [MOTOR STARTS]

[JEFF SCREAMING]

[CRACKLING]

Guess I'm not getting my turbo booster back.

- [POP!]

- And there goes my g*dd*mn toast.

What the hell was that? Alright! Enough with the third degree! I sabotaged your saw! Why? Because I'm a cheater.

A cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

And I admit you're a better lumberjack than me.

I never cared about that.

I just wanted to show you I was good at something so you'd want to hang out with me.

Jeff, you are good at something.

You're an amazing lumberjack.

And if we make it out of here, I promise I'm going to tell that to the world.

Thanks.

But if you'll get out of my way, I got a babe to get home to.

Now, when I die, I will have seen The wonders of the sea And I will have climbed the mountains In the western coun-ter-y But most of all I won't forget the wild and wondrous thing The falling of the timber when it's early in the spring Way, hey, another brand-new day Look at him go, puffy patagonia.

He might just save us yet.

Way, hey, another brand-new day [MOTOR STARTS]

On the wild and windy shores of old super-i-ay Huh.

Jeff Fischer.

The Stoner.

- - Well, Pat, we both know I can't let Jeff save us.

Whoa! Is that a signal flare in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Ha ha ha! Cut it out, Pat.

This is serious.

[MOTOR RUMBLING]

New plan, Jeff! No signal tower! Oops.

Too low.

[JEFF SCREAMS]

Catch him, Pat! PILOT: There's the wreck.

NAVIGATOR: Dibs on any unmelted credit cards.

Gold fillings for me again? Ohh.

Hand me my pliers, will ya? So, after I got a fire blazing to warm Jeff's weak body, I built a signal tower.

Of course, of course.

So heroic.

Then, just as I finished, I saw Jeff messin' with a flare g*n.

Kablooey.

Flare went off and Jeff b*rned down all my hard work.

Does this look about right? Usually you can see the outline of my manhood through my pants.

Mind e-mailing me a second draft? - [GROANS]

- He's waking up.

Maybe I can get a statement.

Leave him alone, you vulture! Is there nothing you won't do for a headline?! Jeff, you're okay! Thank God.

Listen.

Hayley was right about you.

I was crazy to think you're worthless.

And from now on, I want to hang out more.

Much more.

Maybe even twice a year.

What do you say to that Son? [SHAKILY]

I say [BLEEP]

you, Mr.

S.

Bye! Have a great time!