16x14 - Flush After Reading

[bunniefuu]

Mom, I notice lately you're putting tilapia in every dish.

Even the ice cream has fish bones in it.

I 'unno.

I dig it.

Welp, gotta go.

Got a date with the library.

Gotta get my read on! We believe you, honey.

Peace! There's no wayyyy Mom's reading at the library every night.

She won't even go to a restaurant if it doesn't have a picture menu.

Of course she's not actually at the library! She knows I could never smooch a bookworm, let alone do it with one.

I got twenty says Mom's actually been sneaking her pet orangutan into the zoo after hours so it can get laid.

Well, this, of course, hinges on my other long-standing theory that Mom has a secret pet orangutan.

Ben Frank says she's sneakin' off to be a Patch Adams.

Going to hospitals and goofing off to get those uptight doctors to stop taking themselves so seriously.

Guys, I need to get something off my chest.

I'm struggling with depression.

I'm in the darkest place I've ever been Ooh, ooh! I have a fiver says Francine is carrying buckets.

Maybe down a road or at a bucket factory.

Super interesting.

But didn't you have the CIA put a tracking device on Mom's car? That's so I can know where your mom is at all times so I can control her.

But I don't want to use it for other, twisted reasons.

But isn't this wanting to know where she is so you can control her? No, no, it's not.

Oh, wait! Yeah, it is! - [PHONE CLICKING]

- [GASPS]

The tracker confirms Francine's at the library! [SUSPENSEFUL CHORD STRIKES]

- Hi, Jolene.

- Hey, Francine! Oh, I put some new reading materials in the restroom for you.

[FART SQUEAKS]

- Did you say something? - I said [SQUEAKING]

thanks! Good morning, USA I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA I can't believe this! Francine's a bookworm! We're not a family of nerds! We're a family of jocks! Except for Steve.

You did this! Look! He's got glasses, Stan! Knock 'em off! Knock 'em off! Mom's the one at the library! I like TV! T-That's what the glasses are for! Oh, Francine! This isn't how it's supposed to be! We were going to grow old together! And then I would be the first to die, she would mourn me for 17 months and start dating Jackson.

That was the plan! Did she forget the plan?! We can't do the plan if she's a bookworm! I gotta go down to that library! KLAUS: Goodbye, cruel world.

I just tried to drown myself.

[SNIFFS]

Smell like Totino pizza roll.

This Steve turd.

Rogu, we have a pool.

Rogu collect doo-doo data.

As a parent, I'm mad, but as a scientist, my instinct is to encourage this.

Rogu missing one doody, though.

Francine.

Really? Francine's super regular.

She always used to poop right after dinner.

Francine's not going to the library to read words! She's going there to leave turds! But why? Who cares? I know someone who would care quite a bit.

Sherlock Groans, poop detective! I gotta get to the library to solve the case of the displaced doo-doo.

Otherwise my nemesis Nancy Poo might b*at me to it or, worse, the Farty Boys.

So you can see how serious this is, Rogu.

Yes.

Time is of the ass-scents.

Ah.

Good one! Daddy's proud.

But not too much.

I'm kind of the star here.

- ROGER: Ah-ha! - Aah! What are you doing?! What are you doing? Sorry.

I-I-I know what you're doing.

But But why? But also, hi! Please tell me my wife isn't really here! Hm, what does she look like? She's got the hair.

Uh, couple little feet.

- Does she have the boobs? - Yes! [CHUCKLING]

Ohh! Francine! She's in the bathroom.

Thank God! Maybe I can stop her before she reads.

Mystery fans everywhere need to know.

Why are you coming to the library to do your business? - I don't want to talk about it! - Come on! I got dressed up in my Sherlock Groans outfit and everything! - It's embarrassing.

- Uh, which part? The hat? Or, like, this little cape on my shoulders? - [POUNDING ON DOOR]

- STAN: Francine! - Are you in there? - Is that Stan? Yeah, he's on some jock mission to not let you read like a nerd.

Francine, we need to talk about how you're a reader.

- Told ya.

- Stan can't know I come here to poop! Maybe hide me in the toilet? Are you kidding? That's the first place he'll look! Remember? That's the first place I looked.

Damn it, Francine! I'm slowly building up the courage to enter the women's room! You gotta hide me! I could use my alien powers to place us in one of these stories.

- You can do that?! - You know it! - [POUNDING ON DOOR]

- But I've never done it before, so it could be highly risky.

It could also be smooth sailing.

Lots of variables here.

I'm a poop detective, not a book scientist.

Roger, put me in the damn book! How 'bout we take a trip to the ballroom? That sounds fun.

Francine? [ECHOING]

Francine! [ECHOING]

Francine! Did I say that out loud? Where the hell did she go? - - [WHOOSH]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]

Oh, my God! It worked! [CHUCKLES]

We escaped! Oh, this kind of ballroom.

Someone stole this poor woman's clothes! I can see her ankles! Perhaps she's a prost*tute.

I'm not a prost*tute! For the right amount of money, anyone's a prost*tute.

That's, like, Being Alive 101.

She's so exotic! She must be Italian! That's correctamundo.

A-Lisa Lampanelli.

Ooh! Please! Sing us a song! Italy has the most wonderful music.

Follow my lead.

When the moon - Hits your eye - Hits your eye - Like a big pizza pie - He's a big pizza guy pie! - That's amore! - Tuesdays with Morrie! [APPLAUSE]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

So I guess we just hang out in "Pride and Prejudice" until Stan gives up and stops searching the library for me? Yeah, about that Since I helped you escape, you gotta tell me why you poop at the library.

[SIGHS]

It's because of what happened two years ago on our flight to Maui.

I had the barbacoa tacos from Taco King before takeoff, and it ripped through me at 10,000 feet.

I was locked in the lavatory for a solid hour.

Fortunately, Stan was watching "Son of the Mask," so he didn't notice I was gone.

Okay, so you had diarrhea on a plane.

I don't understand the embarrassment.

My mom always told me to preserve some mystery in marriage.

Your mom who shaves her bikini line at the hotel pool? Just let me say not all plane accidents involve a crash.

After I dropped that stink b*mb, it was bad.

It was "emergency land the plane because it stinks so bad" bad.

- No! - In Omaha.

- No! - [GLASS SHATTERS]

I've never seen Stan so upset.

He swore he wouldn't rest until he found out who was responsible.

I've been so afraid that he'd find out it was me, I've just been avoiding our bathroom altogether.

I smashed my champagne flute for drama, but I'm having regrets.

Are you listening to me? I can listen and miss my champagne at the same time, Francine.

Ahem! I'm not sure how people do things in Italy, but here in England, we don't discuss diarrhea.

- [SMACK!]

- Don't say that word! They said it! I was just repeating it! This is an outrage! I was falling in love with Miss Bennett! Oh, Darcy! My heart overflows! But now that I've heard discussions, here in England, of Italian diarrhea, I've been tempted by the lures of obscene foreign delights.

Off to Italy! Wow.

First, he thinks I don't have enough money.

And now I don't have enough diarrhea? What do men even want? These two ruined everything! - k*ll the Italians! - [SHING!]

[PARTYGOERS SHOUTING]

Where'd they go? Why aren't they following us? I took us into a new book, whatever was under "Pride and Prejudice.

" The books have to be touching for me to take us into them.

Looks like we're in a "Dr.

Seuss.

" Is that a Lorax? I do beg your pardon, but you appear to be trespassing in my study.

Ohh! Sherlock Holmes! Roger, that's, like, your thing.

Sherlock Groans, at your service.

Sherlock Holmes, at your service.

And me? Still good ol' Francine! [DING!]

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

Damn it! Francine's not a nerd.

How could she like Jane Austen? Maybe if it was Jane Austen Powers, bay-bee, then I'd get the appeal.

I wish I could get rid of all these dumb things.

I think I can help you.

But you're a librarian.

Aren't books, like, your thing? Oh, I like books.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

[HUSHED]

But I'm married to the flame.

So, you've gotta tell me what's with the little cape? You're not a superhero.

You're right! It's ridiculous! Why I wear it is the only mystery I could never solve.

Would you two shut up?! Roger, take us home! That'd be great, wouldn't it, Francine? If we could just go back? Are you saying we can't go back?! Maybe.

I just don't know how.

I told you.

This is my first time.

Holmes! Holmes! The library's on fire! Check it out.

It's Dr.

Watson.

Two Sherlocks? How do I know which one to sh**t? - Why do you need to sh**t either of us? - Him! Him! - [g*nsh*t]

- [GROANS]

Hey! I'm Sherlock Groans.

FRANCINE: "Pride and Prejudice: A Diarrhea Adventure"? Roger! I think we changed the book! It sounds like we made it absolutely hilarious, frankly.

But stop wasting time! There's a fire! - [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

- Is this "Alice in Wonderland"? Ooh! I've always wondered what he's smoking.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[COUGHING]

[STRAINING]

It's actually pretty weak sh*t.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Whoa! Maybe this is stronger than I thought.

No, that really happened.

Come on! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

The Yellow Brick Road? We must be in "The Wizard of Oz.

" [SCARECROW AND TIN MAN SCREAMING]

Oh, no! Oh, no, oh, no! [WHOOSH]

[TIN MAN WHIMPERING]

Weird.

There's a fire in all these books.

Oh, no.

I know what's happening.

The librarian is a recovering pyromaniac! She just got her 20-year chip and congratulatory lighter! And now she's gonna burn us to death! Roger, let's go! Of course, in the book, the magic slippers are silver, not ruby.

That was just in the movie.

In fact, Judy Garland has said it was the ruby slippers alone that launched her career as Judge Judy! We don't have time for Ooh! Those look good on you! - [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

- Work it, girl! Oh, yeah! Now run, girl! Stan Smith! I knew I recognized you.

You had that book signing here a couple months ago.

Book signings happen at book stores.

Dumbass.

Hmm.

Was my failure as an author why I turned against reading? Guess I'll never know.

Because I'm destroying all the evidence! [BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

Oh, thank God! We're home! It must be because of the magic slippers! [LAWN MOWER RUMBLING]

Why does Stan look like a tall, skinny baby? Uh-oh.

That's how he describes himself in his memoir.

His memoir? What do you mean, his "memoir"? I mean, we're still in a book! You didn't read your husband's book? It was self-published.

Yuck.

I trust the coastal elites to tell me what to read.

Hey, look! It's you! [HORN HONKS]

[SPACE-ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

[GUITAR CHORD RESONATES]

And Stan gave you itty bitty apple fritties.

Does he think I have small boobs? Or does he want me to have small boobs? See, those are the kinds of questions great literature provokes.

Now run! [LAWN MOWER RUMBLING]

We're trapped! If we die in Stan's memoir, do we die in real life?! Well, I think I'll be fine.

I don't know about you.

- What do you mean?! - Because of this! - [FLAMES RUSH]

- I don't burn! Being an alien's a hoot! Why have you been running from the fire this whole time if you're gonna survive?! I was trying to get my 10,000 steps in.

Plus, if my heart rate gets over 90, I get an extra dessert.

I'm thinking bananas Foster? [FLAMES WHOOSH]

These are good.

I see why people like these.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

And there's no cleanup! Seriously? Nothing, Francine? I'm working my ass off here so you can meet the devil with a smile on your face.

[WIND RUSHES]

How the hell did that happen? [BLOWING]

I can't destroy my own work! I put four hours of my life into writing it.

We gotta figure out how to get out of these books! Yes! So I can find out why Stan gave me those eensy weensy baby boobies! [JET ENGINES WHIRRING]

Jesus! What is that smell?! [PASSENGERS COUGHING]

Oh, no! Nooo! This is the flight when I took that poisonous dump! - [PASSENGERS COUGHING]

- Uch! Did someone burn the hair off a dead squirrel?! I don't smell anything.

[SNIFFS]

Hey! This awful smell is ruining the Kind bar I bought at the airport for $17! Ugh! The stench is drifting into first class! Over my dead body! All coach passengers, link arms to protect the rich! PILOT: On behalf of the flight crew, I apologize for the smell coming from our lavatory.

We're gonna have to make an emergency landing in Omaha.

I know it smells only slightly better in Omaha, but they're the only airport who will accept us.

ANNOUNCER: Omaha! - [THUD]

- STAN: This is unbelievable! I'm not going to rest until I find out whose dump destroyed this plane's bathroom! And if I do somehow rest, it will be the fitful sleep of a man who doesn't know who took said dump.

[PASSENGERS COUGHING]

This is so embarrassing! How could Stan publish this?! I wanna go back to the real world! Maybe we would go back if Stan couldn't publish this.

What do you mean? I mean, if his memoir didn't exist, we couldn't be in it.

Right.

What keeps a book from getting published? Well, they wouldn't publish my book because it had an unacceptable amount of bestiality.

Only 14 scenes! Great! Let's throw a little bestiality up in this memoir! That blind guy's German Shepherd is probably DTF, so get to it! [DOG BARKS]

The dog turned me down.

Because it thinks it's better than me! Okay.

What else could keep this memoir from being published? Well, you can't self-publish on Amazon if it has bestiality, pedophilia, b*mb making b*mb making?! Let's do that one! One hitch I don't know how to make a b*mb.

I know it's kind of bougie, but I always buy them pre-made.

Girl, I could make a pipe b*mb in my sleep.

But you don't have any of the ingredients.

Yeah, but we can rewrite this memoir like we did "Pride and Prejudice.

" - [PASSENGERS COUGHING]

- A gallon of rubber cement, a half cup of salt, 10 pounds of manure, a steel pipe, and a Barbie leg for a fuse.

- Voilà ! Pipe b*mb.

- You did it! BOTH: Aaaaahhhh! Hey! There's my rake! It's actually not.

I-I brought this from home.

What a weird lie.

I'm a weird guy.

Aaaah! Aw, come on! I just raked that! Did I actually make it back? Just in time to ruin my pile.

[SADLY]

My precious pile.

Stan.

I-I have to be honest.

I don't come to the library to read.

I come here to poop.

In the books? Nice! So you are a jock! No, Stan.

In the bathroom.

To hide my real secret.

Aaah! Sorry I'm late.

I jumped into the book "1984" to go back and get the Daytona Beach spring break I always wanted.

Suffice it to say, it was not totally tubular.

I don't get it, Francine.

Your secret is you eat tacos in the bathroom stall? That's not so bad.

I once went back to get the half cup of beer I left on the toilet at Shea Stadium.

Although it was completely untouched and even more full than before, it's still a little gross.

FRANCINE: I don't always eat tacos in the bathroom, but I do always end up in the bathroom afterwards.

[DOOR HINGES CREAK]

- What? - Sir, in your story, I think you were drinking pee-pee! No, little girl.

It was just delicious hot beer! FRANCINE: Are you getting a whiff of anything yet? Like what? [AIR RUSHES]

Oh, God! - Omaha was you! - [TOILET FLUSHES]

I know.

How could you hide this from me? I was raised to think a woman should keep some mystery in her marriage.

But I don't want that.

I want to know everything about you, Francine.

You do?! Even the gross stuff? Yes, especially the gross stuff.

But you seemed so upset on the plane.

Yeah, I was mad I didn't get to shake hands with the butt that made that mess! It was hilarious! Everyone on the plane was like Ugh-ugh-eghh-egh-egh! Wow! That is a weight off my shoulders.

You know what? I'm gonna poop at home from now on, no matter how smelly it is.

I would love nothing more, Francine.

Although I don't think you can ever top your airplane poop.

Nothing will ever be funnier than that.

Is that why you put it in your memoir? You read my memoir? Yeah! It really sucked me in.

That's so sweet of you.

Man, that thing was terrible.

No one would even publish it.

Well, those coastal elites are out of touch with what's good.

But, hey, why'd you write about me having a flat chest? What was that all about? Flat chest? Oh, that must be a typo.

I meant to write "fat chest.

" I love them fat sacks, baby! Oh, Stan.

You always know just what to say.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

I was a little surprised to find a website that matched depressed singles with each other.

But look at you! Score for Klaus! You didn't say in your e-Sadness profile that you're a fish.

Oh, I see the miscommunication here.

[CHUCKLES]

I was lying.

Yeah, I don't date liars.

Oh, and, by the way, I'm super into sex.

Well, you didn't explicitly say in your profile that you weren't a fish! And you don't see me crying about it! [SOBBING]

I miss sex! Bye-bye! See you soon!