16x19 - Family Time

[bunniefuu]

Now for the question that I'm famous for asking on Fridays What's everyone doing this weekend? Me and d*ck are gonna go check out this Cranberry Bog down in the Chimdale wetlands.

How about you, Deputy Director? Oh, I'm going to a different Cranberry Bog.

With a girl [LAUGHTER, CHEERING]

Oh, nice! Alright, men.

Back to work.

We're in the middle of a giant mission! Do you have any plans this weekend, Stan? Hey, would you mind asking the other guys? I feel like if I answer, I'll get trapped in a conversation with you.

But you're the only one with a family, and families have always fascinated me because I don't have one.

That's a stupid reason to be fascinated by something.

I don't have a vag*na and I never think about those.

Well, now I'm thinking about them a little bit.

Thanks a lot, Weitzman.

Now I have to go home at lunch.

Hey, wait! I have a coupon to take a whole family to a buffet.

Zoinks! Thanks, Dr.

Weitzman! Maybe I could join you guys.

Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.

After all, you gave us the coupon.

You've done enough.

So how's your day going? Sorry.

I don't like a lot of chitchat while I'm getting my nails done.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Buckle, what's good, my man?! [TIRES SCREECH]

Everyone everyone get in the [BLEEP]

car! Stan, you can't just kick the door off its hinges and scream at us.

There's a new buffet in town.

[PANTING]

And I got us a coupon for free everything.

Everyone get in the [BLEEP]

car! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Aah! Good morning, U.

S.

A.

Hey, Rog, is dad forcing you to go to the buffet too? What what's that? I'm sorry.

It's just that I am thinking about, like, a billion things right now.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

What were you asking me? I just wanted to know if you were coming to the buffet.

[LAUGHS]

He thinks I can go to a buffet! Now.

In the middle of this chaos! You don't look stressed, Roger.

You're you're just sitting here.

STAN: Steven! Leave him! Maybe it looks that way.

But up here, full meltdown.

Imagine a thousand Chernobyls and you're halfway there.

So 2,000 Chernobyls? You can't put a number on it, Steve! It's one meltdown! [ENGINE REVVING]

Why are we speeding? We just spent 45 minutes decorating the car.

What do I love most about buffets? In a word camaraderie.

I thought we'd get together and do something fun, go eat cafeteria style, like at camp.

Camp isn't fun.

They force you to sing and ride horses all day.

You chose musical horse camp.

Oh, I thought the horses were gonna make the music.

Well, forcing us to eat together isn't camaraderie.

Steve, I'm hearing that you feel "forced.

" Could you expand on that? I guess these handcuffs give me that "forced" feeling.

The feelings you're feeling are very natural family time feelings.

Would anyone like to know how I feel about buffets? This long silence has got to be tough for you.

Make way! Coupon holder! Man with a coupon coming through! [FLATLY]

Welcome to the King's Choice buffet.

Da-da-da When you're royalty, you're here.

The VIP section is located in the back.

Here's your wristbands.

Ew.

It's a little weird that this buffet has a VIP section, right? You wanna hear something weird? The goodyear blimp is the official bird of Redondo Beach, California.

Oh, you guys wanna hear something really weird? Zerp znap za-noodle! Sit yo ass down.

You need to hear my patented rules of the buffet.

Stan's patented rules of the buffet Rule one there are no rules.

Rule two never fill up on bread.

Rule three plates are for losers.

Cut out the middleman and pile your food directly onto your tray.

Rules 4 through 100 only apply to buffets at strip clubs.

And most important, rule 101 you can never have a bad time at the buffet.

Cold Melon and Scallop Soup? Uhhh, I'll take nasty-ass soups for $200, Alex.

[LAUGHS]

Survey says I have to smell it! [SNIFFS]

Ugh! Aah! I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat.

This.

Is.

A.

Disaster.

I thought a walk would clear my head but I'm just getting more stressed out! Look at those flowers.

Not a care in the world.

Sitting around eating bees all day.

Do I dare? No, no, you're being silly, Roger, with all the irons you have in the fire.

But on the other hand [THINKING]

Ahhh, meltdown averted.

[BEE BUZZING]

Yuck, I don't like the taste, but I'm a flower, so I gotta get used to eating bees.

Can we leave now? The place is closing.

Not until we get the special VIP dessert we were promised.

What the MAN: [AMPLIFIED]

Welcome, Smith family.

I'm so glad you joined us for dinner, but your time here is just [CRASH, CLATTER]

Oh! Okay, who left this cart out? Oh, I just bashed my shin! Oh, turn on the lights! Let's go MAN: Not those lights! Why would I want the disco lights?! TOGETHER: Dr.

Weitzman?! That's right! Oh, sorry.

[NORMAL VOICE]

My evil genius voice sounded cool, though, right? Sorry about my real voice.

I'm making you my family! What is happening?! Geez, Hayley, are you dense? Dr.

Weitzman is a lonely person.

He wants a family.

He's gonna force us to live with him forever in accordance to whatever his demented idea of a "family" is.

I'm assuming these VIP wristbands are rigged with expl*sives and we've been drugged with a neurotoxin to temporarily paralyze us.

I don't know if I'd call my ideas "demented.

" Plus I wanted to be the one to say all my demented sh*t.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Home sweet home.

- Stan, are you okay? - Okay? - I'm having a blast! - You are? Of course! Rule 101 you can't have a bad time at the buffet.

Huh.

That's an interesting way of looking at things, honey.

Excuse me, ma'am.

My sheets are a little tight.

Oh, no, are they a little tight? They're supposed to be very tight.

What about all the other people at the restaurant? - Were they - Background actors.

They actually were all extras from the "Marvelous Mrs.

Maisel" set.

Great show.

Getting worse every year.

- Can you help us get out of here? - No.

What kind of person are you? I'm not a person.

I'm a robot.

Dr.

Weitzman made me.

And then he named me after a stripper he once fell in love with.

Okay, put your face back on, Chardonnay.

No one likes when you do that.

Oh, god, are you two I wish! No, my hostess robot became sentient, and as per usual I'm stuck in the "friend zone.

" Okay, it's nigh-nighs, my sweet family.

Hush, little family, it's time to hit the hay You all live with Dr.

Weitzman in a big buffet You're down here for forever Now, isn't that fun? Eat whatever you want and never see the sun ROGER: [THINKING]

Ahhh, this is the life.

No stress.

Just eating bees, not thinking a million miles an hour.

I wonder why bees aren't more afraid of flowers.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Oh, no.

Let's go! Steal as many flowers as you can for the shop! I don't like this one bit.

What's that thing? I thought it was a flower, but I'm not so sure now.

Check out its nasty root bulb.

It looks like a gross, gray ass.

Eh, let's put it in the van.

Maybe some freak will like it.

[MEN GRUNTING]

And now to the cemetery for more free flowers! ROGER: [THINKING]

This is so stressful.

- - Dr.

Weitzman must've woken me up seven times last night walking to the bathroom to pee.

If you ask me, he should spend less time imprisoning families and more time imprisoning urologists.

But counterpoint what a great night! I mean, when was the last time we all slept together in the same room? Obviously I'm not counting our annual trip to the gathering of the juggalos.

Good morning, my beautiful children.

Can you please let us go?! There must be some humanity inside you! Sounds like you guys are hangry.

Who wants Monte Cristos? STAN: The American riff on a croque monsieur?! Sign me up! Now, two simple rules here in the Weitzman home I'm in control of everything, and that door over there is off limits.

[WHISPERING]

I think that door might be significant.

Yeah, no sh*t.

Dr.

Weitzman - Call me Dad.

- No.

- Uncle? - That's worse.

Dr.

Weitzman, why are you doing this? Great question, Franny.

Chardonnay, roll tape and do it like Christoph Waltz.

WALTZ'S VOICE: Christoph Waltz mode initiated.

No one knows when or where Dr.

Weitzman was born.

He was abandoned as a baby in the Lanceton sewers, where even the rats refused to be his family.

Dr.

Weitzman's adolescence was spent in and out of orphanages.

He briefly appeared on "the Mickey Mouse club" until he caught the attention of the show's legendary producer and was quickly removed.

Then back to his sewers for doctor school.

But even after becoming a successful C.

I.

A.

Doctor, he could never find the right woman.

So he was never able to start the family he dreamt of his whole life.

And adoption was out of the question because obviously his appearance terrifies children Chardonnay, did I sign off on this artwork? We're screwed.

You know how stubborn dad is.

He'll never admit you can have a bad time at the buffet.

You're right.

If we're getting out of here, it's up to us.

I did it.

[BELCHES]

I ate all that disgusting soup.

And now to Well, sh*t.

Come on, that door has to be the exit! [LAUGHS]

Oh, you goofy kids! Always playing pranks.

I think you all will love it here.

The days are gonna fly by.

If you don't believe me, check out this montage.

We are family I got all my sisters with me We are family Get up, everybody, and sing We are fami-lay! I trapped the Smiths in a buffet! - We are family - - I got all my sisters with me - "Who framed Roger Rabbit"! - We are family - Get up, everybody Okay, g*ng, just checked the time and it's "rock" o'clock.

Be right back with the acoustic.

I can't do it.

I can't listen to him play another Death Cab for Cutie song.

I guess some of them are technically postal service.

I've been trying to smile through all this, 'cause rules are rules.

- But some rules are meant to be - Broken? To a crisp.

I have a plan.

Everybody sneak a Monte Cristo sandwich into bed tonight.

This plan sounds delicious, Dad.

Don't be cute, Steve.

- [SNORING]

- Dad! We all brought sandwiches to bed.

What's the plan? Five minutes, Son.

Stan! Chumbawumba! Okay.

Everything we need for our escape is right here in the Monte Cristo sandwich.

I'll remove it from the baggie and just lightly touch the grease-soaked bread to the sheets.

Wow.

And gross.

Next we use the jam.

[GASPS, SCREAMS]

Wow, that's strong jam.

[GASPS]

I think I just figured out why I almost d*ed of diarrhea.

Wait.

It's powdered sugar time.

[BLOWS]

We're not going this way, but it looks cool, right? Wait, we should grab Klaus! There's no time! Next, everyone take the ham out of your sandwich and eat it.

It's the perfect protein-rich snack to keep our motors humming.

KLAUS: Is anyone there?! It sounds like four people eating ham! Good ham.

[DOORKNOB RATTLING]

Oh, man, the forbidden door is locked! Luckily, the "giving sandwich" has one last thing to give.

The bread.

[LOCK DISENGAGES]

[GASPS]

This isn't an exit.

It's a graveyard.

Look at the way they're grouped.

I think they're other families.

Yes, there are a lot of dead bodies, but at least it's not a gift shop.

I hate crass commercialism.

But the skeletons are for sale.

I make keychains! Perfect for a gas station bathroom! Do you have any gas station owner friends who have a birthday coming up? You k*lled all those families? What? No, they k*lled themselves.

On average, most offed themselves after living with Dr.

Weitzman for three days.

Though the current record is the Shelmerdines, who only lasted 45 minutes.

That hurt my feelings.

But you guys really hurt my feelings trying to escape.

I thought you loved me.

Wait, the other families k*lled themselves without trying to escape? Well, it was before my online guitar lessons.

[SNIFFLES]

Before I got really good.

You suck at guitar.

Yeah, man, you suck at guitar.

[CRYING]

Keep it up, guys.

I think this is working.

Keep mocking him.

- You have long, beautiful eyelashes.

- No, honey! Aaand you always cuff your sleeves like Cam from "Modern Family.

" That's not good? Wizard alert! [LAUGHTER]

Get out! Get out! [CRIES]

How'd you know he'd let us go? Actually I was sure he was gonna k*ll us, so I just wanted to get it over with.

I can't believe it.

We're home! There you all are! You're good hiders! I've been looking for months.

Jeff, did you think we were playing hide and seek this whole time? In September I doubted it for a second.

But then I found this clue.

So I took apart the water heater, but you guys weren't in there.

There certainly was a smell, though.

And a lot of scalding water.

And you guys stayed true to the game.

When I screamed in agony for help, you stayed hidden.

And you didn't visit me in the burn ward.

I can't tell you how much I respect that.

And now the game is over and I don't know why.

I guess I can return to my life.

Right back in.

Hi.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Flower delivery! - Whoo! Smells like dead bees and cigarettes.

It's been in the shop for two months.

Your sweetheart got an unbelievable price on it.

Adam, you got me flowers?! I am Adam and I am guilty.

Whoaaaa, that guy's hot.

The dang door's blockin' the hot body! I love it! [SMOOCHING]

ROGER: [THINKING]

So I'm a symbol of love.

That's nice.

JENNY: I can't believe you remembered that I love grotesque flowers.

[ADAM AND JENNY SMOOCHING]

- Ooh! - Mm.

Stan, I'm happy to be home, but does something feel off to you? There's no buffet and I hate it.

I'm feelin' it too, Dad.

There was just so much food.

I think that's what I loved about it.

Sounds crazy, but maybe we're all STEVE: Concerned about Jeff? Me too.

I think there's something really wrong there.

He's not, like, fun stupid, ya know.

I worry Hayley might be committing a crime being married to him.

Maybe we meet with the lawyer, get on record what we knew when We're talking about the buffet.

Oh, my God, the buffet! I miss the buffet! - We all do! - We gotta go back! Maybe we just have Stockholm syndrome? If that means overwhelming desire to break into a buffet, then I got the stock, homes.

And now for dessert.

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH SMOOCHING]

ROGER: [THINKING]

They're so in love.

And I'm so relaxed.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- Get off me! - He's home early! - Now, who the hell is this? MAN: Jennifer, what's going on? What is that hideous flower? Your wife happens to love hideous flowers! [GASPS]

My best friend and business partner! Oh, my jangled nerves! [g*ns COCKING]

Oh, good, they're all g*n owners.

This should de-escalate quickly.

[g*nshots]

That's a tip for everyone at home No one ever sh**t the flower.

Dr.

Weitzman is never gonna let us back in.

Remember how we used the Monte Cristo sandwich to get out? Here's a sandwich to help us get in a C-4 sandwich.

There are also some tuna sandwiches in the bag in case anyone wants to scarf.

Wait, this is the C-4 sandwich.

Wait a second.

That means the tuna Stan, did you buy the cheap tuna again? No! It was me! You bought the cheap tuna? No, I blew up the wall from the inside.

What a twist! Why? Because my family came back to me.

I'm just so excited! This guy's not cool.

I'm starting to think this was a mistake.

No, no, no, no, let me get my guitar! And some legos! You guys came to rescue me! Yes.

Yes, we did.

Let's not be here when Dr.

Weitzman comes back.

But the buffet! I still want a dried-out piece of Dover sole and a sweaty sweet potato pie.

I guess we could try the buffet across the street.

HAYLEY: "Smiths eat free"? I like that price.

Come on in! Leave whenever you like! I'm not lonely! Bye-bye! See you soon!