03x09 - The Big Prank/Hustler's Apprentice

[bunniefuu]

[bell ringing]

-[m*llitary music]
-[children cheering]

[screams]

[screams]

[burps]

[Gretchen]
What could be keeping Mikey?

[T.J.]
Here he comes now.

-Hey, guys.
-Hey, Mikey.

You mind scooting down to the end?

Sure, T.J.
You're saving that for someone?

Sorry, Mikey.
That's on a need-to-know basis.

[Vince] Wild Raven to Black Widow.
Come in, Black Widow.

Black Widow here. Over.

The roach has entered the motel.

Roger. Black Widow to Magpie,
did you copy that?

Affirmative, Black Widow.

Operation Pasty Face is go.
Repeat, Operation Pasty Face is go.

Bingo.
Hey, Randall, how's it going?

Uh, fine, I guess.

Hey, that's a tasty-looking

salisbury steak you got there.
Care to join us?

You're not still sore
about this morning?

So, you told Miss Finster

I covered the mud puddle
with grass and leaves

and placed a tantalized fruit pie
in the middle.

Big deal.
I say let bygones by bygones.

Well, in that case,
I'd love to join you.

Eating alone is so overrated.

Excellent.

Scoot over a little bit, Randall.

Oops. Wrong way.

There, perfect.
Comfortable, Randall?

I'm great. Boy, this is really nice
of you guys, considering all the junk I--

[gasps]
Oh, my gosh, Mikey!

They're giving away
free peach cobbler!

Free cobbler! Oh, boy!

-[screaming]
-[thud]

[children laughing]

[whistling]

Oh! Oatmeal!
I'll get you for this, Detweiler!

Mark my words!

[Vince] That was
the best prank ever, man.

Yeah, Teej.
You're the froopin' best.

It really was genius, wasn't it?

-[tension music]
-Are you T.J. Detweiler?

-Why, yes, I am.
-Come with us.

So, this is the kid who humiliated
Rodney here in the cafeteria.

Uh, that's Randall, Your Eminence.

Ugh, whatever.
I suppose you think this was funny.

-That's what I'm hearing.
-What are you gonna do with him,

send him to the dodgeball wall?

-No, extend my congratulations.
-Huh? But, King Bob, I... He--

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
I'm through with you.

But you, you intrigue me.
It takes quite a prankster

to pull off a trick as bold
and exciting as yours.

Excuse me, Your Majesty,
but he isn't any prankster.

-T.J. is a master of the game.
-Oh, is that so?

Yeah, Teej here is
the best practical joker

in Third Street history.

[laughing] In history,
you claim? I don't think so.

"History of the playground, part five,
chapter the second, Legends."

[clears throat]

"Many years ago in the reign of King Sid,
a boy roamed the schoolyard

who was known
as the Prankster Prince.

So gifted was this lad at the art
of prank that his princely title

was officially retired by royal decree."

So, how come I haven't heard
of this punk of pranks

if he was so great?

Ah, but you have.
For that carefree prankster boy was me.

-[kids] You?
-Indeed.

My pranks were legendary,
my victims many.

[Prickly]
Don't forget, kids,

Tuesday night is
parent-teacher conferences.

So, make sure you bribe your teachers
with candy and perfume

so they'll tell your parents
that Principal Prickly's a big, fat--

Hey, who tampered with
my prepared announcements? Miss Lemon!

[laughing]

Come on! Serve it, would you?

Whatever you say.

[laughing maniacally]

[gulps]

-[gagging]
-[giggling]

Oh, those were the fun times,

but now, as king,
I'm prevented from prankstering.

[burps]
Such acts would be... unseemly.

Yeah? Well, it's a good thing
you retired that title 'cause my man

T.J. would've taken it away.

-Oh, really?
-Pfft. No contest. First round.

Your pranks might have been good, Bob,

but I'm willing to bet that T.J. here is
a better prankster than you ever were.

-[gasps]
-I second that bet.

Yeah, me, too!

[giggling]
Sire.

And do you, my fine freckled friend,
have the guts to support

such an outlandish statement?

Um, well, er--

-Sure, he does.
-I do?

The only way to prove
he's worthy of the title

is to do exactly as I did
when I was the Prankster Prince.

He must pull a practical joke
on the reigning king!

[crowd]
Uh...

If you can pull a prank on me
by the end of school tomorrow,

-the title and this amusing little cap...
-[chime]

...is yours, but if you fail,

your punishment will be one week
as my fanner boy.

-[tension music]
-Wow! A week off.

-Gee, maybe I shouldn't.
-King, you got yourself a deal.

[cheering]
Yeah! Whoo!

Wow, T.J., you took on the king.
That was brave.

Brave nothing.
That title belongs to the Teej,

-and that cap is sweet.
-Ugh.

Hmm.

My female intuition tells me
that perhaps T.J. has mixed feelings

-about this wager.
-Yeah, right.

T.J.'s ready to rock 'n' roll,
aren't you, Teej?

It's not that I don't appreciate
the support, guys,

but I'm not so sure I can pull it off.

-Of course you can!
-Absolutely!

-No doubt.
-Sure, Teej!

-You got the chops.
-You got the moves.

And, lest we forget,
you've got the prankster heart.

Well... what are we waiting for?

Let's get prankin'.

-[spy music]
-Take me to my fountain.

[hubbub]

He's coming!
King Bob is coming!

Quick, pretend to play.

-Jerome.
-Yes, Your Majesty.

-Try a sip.
-I'm not thirsty

but, uh, thank you anyway, sire.

Uh, I mean, a-at once, my liege.

[laughing]

Time's a wasting, Detweiler.

[screaming]

You couldn't hit that piñata
if you were using a sofa cushion.

Man in crown have big mouth.
Him try.

On a second thought,
Jordan, cr*ck open that piñata.

Yes, sir, sir.

Really?

Man, King Bob knows
every trick in the book.

He's always one step ahead of us.

Plus, with those g*ons of his,
we can't get near him.

What about a wrecking ball?

We tell him there's a meteor shower,
and then, bam!

We wanna bruise King Bob's ego,
not put him in a body cast.

Couldn't we do both?

Get me gallons of gelatin desert
and an atomic particle accelerator,

and we'll just see
who has the last laugh.

I don't think we've got
the budget for that, Gretch.

You know what your guys' problem is?
You're not thinking big enough.

[m*llitary music]

Attention, everyone.
This is Screaming Falcon.

-Time for roll call. Wild Cat?
-Check.

[T.J.]
Scorpion, Jekyll?

-Check.
-Double check.

-[T.J.] Viper?
-Check.

Small But Very Dangerous
South American Tree Frog?

-Check.
-All right.

Remember, you guys got me into this,
so don't let me down.

Let's have a good prank.
Screaming Falcon out.

-[Gus] My toy!
-[girl] My toy!

-My toy!
-My toy!

-My toy!
-My toy!

-My toy!
-My toy!

-My toy...
-Stop the procession!

You there,
cease fighting and bow!

-[rumbling]
-Hey, I'm talking to you!

No, no, I'll handle this display
of disrespect personally.

The condor has flown the coop. I repeat,
the condor has flown the coop.

[Bob] I command you
to cease fighting this instant!

-[Gus] Ugh!
-You're mine, punk!

What the...
You're no kindergartener!

-[tension music]
-Now! Now! Now!

-Oh, no!
-The condor has molted! Abort! Abort!

[laughing]

[gasps]
You look like a four-foot duckling.

Hello, little duckling.

Hello, King Bob.

Come on, Teej,
back to the drawing board.

Nope, that's it. I give up.

Whoa.
Did the duck just say, "give up"?

Yeah, but he didn't mean it.

Yes, I did. Sorry, guys.

You win, King Bob.
I'll never be able to pull a prank on you.

You're just too good.

I am, aren't I?
You still have three hours.

You could fail
a good seven times before then.

You hero?
That practical joke.

Guards, take chicken little away.

Get him cleaned up
and ready for fanning.

[sad music]

I-I'm so confused.

Is T.J. chicken little or is he a duck
or is he a screaming falcon?

I just don't know what to believe.

Man, this whomps. I feel
like a bad guy wrestler.

I know what you mean. We're the ones
who got poor T.J. into this mess.

We all share guilt to some degree,

but what can we do?
King Bob's word is law.

[children booing]

[sad music]

Fanner boy! Fanner boy!
Fanner boy!

Fanner boy! Fanner boy!
Fanner boy!

[crying]

Fanner boy! Fanner boy!
Fanner boy!

Where are your pranks now,
fanner boy?

Fanner boy!
Fanner boy! Fanner boy!

Fanner boy! Fanner boy!
Fanner boy! Fanner boy!

-Fanner boy!
-Stop! Hold everything!

Guys, I didn't think you'd come.

-We're here for you, Teej.
-Please, King Bob, listen.

It's far too late for appeals.

But T.J. isn't responsible,
Your Royal Highness, we are.

-Yes, punish us instead.
-We'll fan you for two weeks.

No, guys, I'm the one who boasted
about being señor prankster.

I alone must suffer the consequences.

But, T.J...

Students of Third Street,
let this be a lesson to those of you

who secretly think
you can outsmart your king.

T.J. Detweiler is a living example
of the humiliation you will endure.

Now then, boy, fan me.

As you wish, sire.
Please take a seat.

[whoopee cushion farts]

[laughing]

What did you have
for lunch today, Kingy?

Was it by any chance
the four-bean casserole?

[microphone feedback]

[laughing]
A whoopee cushion!

T.J. got King Bob to sit
on a whoopee cushion!

He did it! Teej pulled it off!

Way to go, T.J.!

The new Prankster Prince!

That's your big prank,
a whoopee cushion?

So simple, it's brilliant!

And, sire, it's yours to keep.

[cheering]

Prankster Prince!
Prankster Prince!

Prankster Prince!
Prankster Prince!

Prankster Prince!

-Prankster Prince!
-Some vacation.

-[epic music]
-[aerodynamic noise]

Wow, check that baby out!

It's amazing that pilot can do
all those maneuvers

and still take the G's.

-[T.J.] Hey, Gus!
-[Gretchen] Let me try!

-[Vince] Come on, buddy.
-Sorry, guys,

but this plane's my Dad's.

If anything happened to it,
he'd have me court-martialed.

I kind of borrowed it without asking.

It sure is a beauty.

Yep, and all original,
the paint, the propeller.

Heck, I bet the string is years old.

No, the plane!
What am I gonna do?

Hey, don't worry, Gus.
You can always buy your Dad a new one.

You don't understand.
I can't just buy him a new one.

It's a handmade miniature from Guam!

You know, there is one person
who may be able to find you a replacement.

-Who's that?
-The Hustler Kid.

[jazz music]

What you have here, my friend,
is the string of a th scale model

of the modified P- Lightning,
made of the highest grade

balsam wood found only
in the forests of Guam.

I'll see what I can do.

[thud]
I'll tell you what he can do, nothing.

Even if he could track down
one of those planes,

it would take weeks
to get here, maybe months!

[The Hustler Kid]
Is this what you're looking for?

It's an exact duplicate.
But how did you find it?

Nuh-uh-uh. Better question is,
how are you going to pay for it?

Oh, well, I got this stuff.

Good, glue it together and hope it flies,

'cause you ain't getting
this plane for that junk.

No, please! I need that plane!
I'll do anything for it, anything!

Anything? Okay, tell you what.
I'll let you have the plane,

but you gotta work for me
till your chit's cleared.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Hustler Kid, sir.
A thousand thank yous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just remember,
tomorrow at recess, you report to me,

and, kid, wear working clothes.

Where's the pea? Show me, show me,
show me. Where's the little pea?

Oops! Pleasure doing business.

Here's your s'mores, Hustler Kid.

Ten cases of Winger-Dingers
for three cases of Yazoos.

All right, ten cases of Winger-Dingers
for one case of Yazoos,

but you gotta throw in a box
of caramel cubes to sweeten the deal.

Look, Gus, I know you owe him
and everything,

don't you think Hustler Kid can get
his own lunch?

-Hey, H.K.'s a busy kid.
-[woman] Next!

Butterscotch pudding, please,
and could you take out the lumps?

H.K.'s got a thing about lumps.

[Randall]
And it was terrible, terrible.

I was just walking home from school,

minding my own business,
when some creeps

from Spiro T. Agnew Middle School
jumped me and stole all my marbles.

Gee, that's tough, Randall.

[sobbing] Yeah, and they were
my Grandpa's marbles, too.

He'd been saving them
since the Depression.

-[gasps]
-There were six pearlies,

a couple of steelies,
and even a cat's eye.

[sobs]
I can't pay you for them or nothing,

but if you could just see your way
to give me some replacement marbles,

it would mean so much to me,
and my poor Grandpa.

Gee, Randall, that's really sad.

I got my first marbles
from my old man's old man, too.

-Uh, Hustler Kid...
-In a second, Gus.

I'll give you some marbles.
It's the least I could do.

But Hustler Kid!

It won't bring Grandpa's steelies back,
but thanks, Hustler.

Hey, my marbles es su marbles.

But, Hustler Kid, look.

Gee, how did those get there?

Why, you little snitch.
You were trying to cheat me!

[stuttering]
I think I hear Miss Finster calling.

Thanks, kid. You saved me
from a chump's move.

Just returning the favor, H.K.

You know, Gus, I could use
a guy like you in my organization,

permanent, like, what are you doing
first thing tomorrow morning?

Eating a balanced breakfast?

Cancel the flapjacks, buddy boy.
We got bigger fish to fry.

[jazz music]

Where are we going, H.K.?

-You'll see.
-[police siren]

[Gus]
Wow, what is this?

Some kind of secret
Hustler Kid headquarters?

Not for long,
you keep yapping your trap like that.

Fan 'em this way, your basic deck.
Bun fan 'em that way, all aces.

[crowd]
Oh.

Wow, this place has everything.

-H.K.!
-Fingers, my man.

-Is that your boy?
-My associate.

Gus, meet Fingers Maloy.
Fingers is the best in the biz.

Ah, don't listen to this guy,
H.K. taught me everything I know,

from the Hustler Kids' code of honor
to making customer satisfaction job one.

That's job two.

Oh, yeah,
personal satisfaction is job one.

[laughter]

So, what do you got for me?

Some new candy,
Tofu Crunchy-Creams

fell of a truck in Jersey.

Ugh, this stuff's an insult to sugar.
I'll take them.

I don't get it. Why did you buy
all those yucky candies?

-'Cause they were cheap.
-But who are you're gonna sell 'em to?

Kid, let me explain something to you.

There's two types
of people in the world,

players and chumps.
We're the players, and the kids we sell

these Crunchy-Creams to,
well, they're chumps.

-But the things taste terrible.
-That's the fun part.

You're gonna convince them they don't.

Wow, these Tofu Crunchy-Creams are
the best candy ever.

Mmm-mmm-mmm,

they're just bursting
with kid-licious excitement.

-"Kid-licious," wow!
-Hey, I'm a kid.

Give me.

Touché, kid.

That was amazing. I felt so alive,
so alert, so necessary.

-I could do this every recess.
-[laughs] Oh, you will. You will.

Scandalicious!

Ah, from serf to salesman, I tell you,
anything can happen in my kingdom.

[shouting]

-Hey, Gus, can we talk?
-Sure, what do you need, guys?

We're worried about you, man.
All you do is hustle.

Yeah, what happened
to the pathetic little pushover kid

we used to love
and respect so much?

You guys are right!
Now that I look at it your way,

I see what I've become!
I hate myself!

Hey, it's okay, Gus.
We just want you to stop

so, we can all be friends again.

[sobbing] Really?
You still wanna be friends?

-Absolutely.
-Then, I'll do it! I'll stop hustling!

That's the spirit, Gus!

Wait, what am I gonna do
with all these Crunchy-Creams?

If I don't sell them, I'll have
to work for Hustler Kid again.

Don't worry. We can pay
for them, right, guys?

-[Vince] Oh, yeah of course man.
-[chattering]

Oh, no, you shouldn't.
I'm overwhelmed.

Guys, we helped out
a friend in need,

and we're all somewhat richer
for the experience.

Some of us more than others, chumps.

[cheering]

Counterfeit hall passes, huh?

[sniffs] They're good. Real good.
Now get rid of them.

Huh?
What are you talking about?

I don't want nothing to do with them.

But why not?

-Because it's against the code.
-Code? What code?

The Hustler Kid Code.
We never hustle anything

that could get a kid in trouble,
like, counterfeit hall passes.

A kid could get detention like that.

As long as we turn
a profit, who cares?

Don't spread it around, but I do.
Now, get those out of my sight.

-No.
-What did you say?

I said no.
This stuff is perfectly good merchandise,

and I'm selling it.

You do that, Gus, and we're through.

You know, H.K., I thought
you were a player, but I was wrong.

It turns out
you're just another chump.

[sighs]

Remember, tykes,
always come to the Gustler Kid.

What do I hear for
a genuine teacher's answer book?

[shouting]

[sighs]

[chirp]

Sorry, H.K., it's just business.

[shouting]

Get your all-day gum here!

Guaranteed to last
from breakfast till bath!

I can't believe it! Gus said
he was gonna quit. He lied to us!

And he's lying to those kids, too.
I've tried that gum.

It doesn't match label claims.

Was that who I think it was?

[Mikey]
Hustler Kid?

The name's Francis,
but don't spread it around.

Oh, heck, go ahead,
spread it around.

It's all over anyway.
Gus drove me out of business.

What happened?

The rules changed.
Ah, I taught Gus everything,

everything,
but proper respect for the code.

Look, Francis, we want our friend back,
and you want your business.

-How can we make this happen?
-I'm done making things happen.

I'm a loser.
Last deal I made

was for this box
of defective paddle toys.

Look at these things,
lousy strings so short,

no self-respecting kid would play
with them. A moron could do it.

-Hey, this is kind of fun.
-See what I mean?

[Gretchen]
Actually, Mikey's got a point.

This is really quite entertaining.

Say, Francis, you're thinking
what I'm thinking?

Call me Hustler.

[spy music]

Hey, LaSalle, what are you doing
with that short-string paddle ball toy?

Nothing, Lawson.

Just developing the coordination
I use to whup you every day.

Where do you get one of those things?

Gotta ask the Gustler Kid.

Oh, that's, like,
so totally retro-chic.

It's the short-string that does it.

Where can we shop
for some of those?

Gustler Kid.

[crowd]
Short-string paddle toy!

Short-string paddle toy!
Short-string paddle toy!

Please, please,
I'll get them for you! Just hold on!

Yo, Fingers, my man,
I need paddle toys.

No, no, no, not long-string!
Short ones!

Looks like the Gustler's got himself
into a little trouble.

-I can't watch!
-I can!

[crowd shouting]

What do you mean, you sold
the last case to Hustler Kid?

Oh, forget it.
I can get you long-string paddle toys.

No! We want short-string!

[crowd] Short-string paddle toy!
Short-string paddle toy!

Short-string paddle toy!

-Short-string paddle toy!
-Whew. That was close.

Short-string!
You got short-string!

-What of it?
-Please, Hustler Kid!

They're an angry mob!
You've got to help me!

Sure, I'll help you for a price.

-You name it!
-You stop hustling for good.

For good?
What do you take me for, a chump?

No, I take you for a desperate kid
in a tight spot, chump.

-[crowd] Short-string paddle toy!
-There! Paddle toy boy!

-Short-string paddle toy!
-[gulps]

Okay, I'll do it! I promise,
I'll never hustle again!

Talk is cheap.
Give me the coat, now.

[crowd screaming]

Short-string paddle toy!
Short-string paddle toy!

-Short-string paddle toy!
-[whistle]

All right, you kids want
short-string paddle toys?

Well, I got 'em right here.

[crowd shouting]

That's it, step right up!
Get 'em while they're popular!

And remember where you got 'em!

All right, Gus.
You want to play kickball?

We could use a center fielder.

But how could you even talk to me?
I lied to you, I cheated to you,

I even sold you those yucky treats.

Hey, we all lose our way
from time to time, little fella.

But I wish there was something
I could do to make it up to you.

Well, there is one thing.

Say it.

[Mumbling]
Crunchy-Creams are kid-licious.

-[crunch]
-I can't hear you.

Crunchy-Creams are...

[Gulps]
...kid-licious

-[belches]
-I never get tired of hearing that.

[m*llitary music]

[bell ringing]