03x32 - All the Principal's Men/No Strings Attached

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Ah!

Ah!

[belch]

Oh...

Out of my way, Lawson.

No way, LaStupid.
Today's the day you go down.

Forget it, Lawson. They haven't invented
the ball game you can b*at Vince at.

Yeah. Well maybe they haven't, but I have.
I thought it up last night.

My game's got a basketball, a football,
a kickball, and a tetherball,

it's got all the balls
so I call it "All the Balls," you get it?

Mmm, I think so.

You play it like this?

Uh, hey, that's dumb.
You're wrong. Hey, stop it.

[Miss Finster] Stop your playing.

Listen up.
"By order of the Board of Education,

effective immediately,

all balls at Third Street School
will be returned to the school district."

So drop them if you got them.

Returning all the balls? She's got to be--

I'll take that.

Hey!

[gasps]

Miss Finster, this just isn't right.
Why are they taking our balls?

I have, uh, no comment
on the removal of the balls.

No comment? But what are we supposed--

I said I have no comment!

[crying]

A playground without balls?
But that's crazy.

You hear about this kinda thing happening,
in other places,

but you never figure
it's going to happen to you.

[Butch] That's what they said
about little Jimmy Kretner.

[all] Little Jimmy Kretner?

What you talkin' about Butch?

-Aw, nothing. Now, about the balls...
-You heard something?

Usually, a kid like me
does hear a thing or two

but folks are keeping pretty tight-lipped
about this one.

-Curses!
-Easy, little lady. Just use your noggin.

Seems to me if you ask the right questions
you'll be crawling in balls in no time.

But who do we ask?

Usually when this big happens,
the only one who can turn it around

is the one who gave the order.

-And an order this big...
-Had to come straight from the top.

-I've heard dumber theories
-Then that's it.

Guys, we're paying a little visit
to Principal Prickly.

Miss Lemon, we need to see
Principal Prickly.

Oh. "I am sure that Principal Prickly

has no knowledge
of and did not participate

in the heinous removal
of the playground balls."

Hey, you're reading that off a card!

Detweiler, in here. The rest of you, too.
Come on!

Alright, sir, let's see.

Why were the balls taken
and when do we get them back?

-I don't know and I don't know.
-Don't know or don't care?

Don't care? Are you kids nuts?

Whoever heard of an elementary school
with no balls.

With no ball games to play, who knows?

You kids might storm in here
and bother me.

So, how come you took them?

Don't Miss Lemon read you that card?

What sort of a principal
do you think I am?

That is the reason I ordered you, kids,
a new set of balls.

They just never showed up.

A new set? Great.
Now that's two sets of missing balls.

Mmm. Is it possible that the two sets
are somehow interconnected?

Sir, if you did order new balls,
I assume you have some proof?

Proof? Where do you kids
learn to be so suspicious?

From your "Always Be Suspicious" lecture,
sir.

Fine, you kids insist on proof,
Menlo's got a copy

of my ball requisition form on file.
Go and ask him.

Don't mind if we do.

Hey, Menlo.

Oh, T.J. and friends. I was just shredding
some meaningless old menus.

We need to see a certain
ball requisition form.

A ball requisition form? What for?

For finding the lowdown fun-k*lling
nimnoid who took our playground balls.

Oh, yes. Your playground balls.
Though I myself don't participate,

in any ball related activities.

I rather enjoy watching you kids frolic
outside my window.

Whoever took them,
I hope you make them pay.

Oh, we will, but first... the form.

I'd love to show it to you,

but it's just been pouched and sent
to the district warehouse. Sorry.

We're not leaving till we get
some answers, Menlo.

Ah...

[music playing]

-[whispering] They're watching me.
-What!

-This goes way above my office.
-What can you tell us?

Not me. Not here. I know someone
who can help. They'll contact you.

When?

:, by the woods
at the edge of the playground.

Make sure you aren't followed.

Why, hello.

Would you perhaps be the helpful informant
we seek? My name is--

Agh! no names.

You lipschitz have stumbled
onto something big, very big.

I knew it. But who's behind it?

Follow the memos. That is all.

-Follow the memos?
-Of course. A paper trail.

[Spinelli] It's bad enough we don't have
any balls to play with.

But now we've got to go dumpster diving?

-Hey, you guys, I found something!
-That's a napkin, Gus.

Oh. How about this? It's a copy

of Principal Prickly's ball
requisition form.

It even says how much money
they're going to cost.

And here's Superintendent Skinner's
memo back to him.

-Let's see. Kinda hard to make out.
-Mmm. This is fax paper.

At the top, the partial emblem of a hotel.
The Riverdoor Hotel in Washington, D.C.

Of all the luck, right during
a major crisis

the superintendent leaves town.
What are the chances of that?

I'd say pretty good, Gus,
if he's hiding something.

But the question is, what is he hiding
and why? Gretch.

Already on it Teej. I've accessed
the school district's webpage

searching for recent travel
by school officials.

Here we are according to my findings,
Superintendent Skinner

is on a dining tour of Washington, D.C.
tonight he'll be sampling Le Domicile,

a quirky new -star french restaurant.

Dining tour? That must have cost
a pretty penny.

Something tells me exactly enough pennies
to buy a new set of playground balls.

It seems we've stumbled into a dark
and mysterious labyrinth of deception.

I believe our proper course of action
is to alert the school board.

Good thinking, Gretch. Who's got change?

[woman] On behalf of the school board,
I cannot deny or confirm

that the students not having playground
balls is not connected

to the superintendent not being in town.

[all] Ah?

We wasted our gum money on that?

Looks like the school board's
in on it, too.

No wonder Menlo's spooked.

[Menlo whistles]

Everything back in its place.
The key to efficiency.

-[music playing]
-Huh?

We know you can't talk
but the scam was big.

Heads are gonna roll.

They are? Tell me what you found.

No can do.
Not if your office has been compromised.

We need another face to face
with that old lady.

But, oh, she's at the dry cleaners'
and she'll be there for a while.

Listen, Menlo, either we get a face
to face with an informant,

or you get a face to face with my fist.

OK, OK. I'll organize a meeting
with my best person.

Minutes at the bike rack. Be there.

[informant] Over here.

The informant.

All right, informant, spill your beans.

Firts tell me what you know
and I'll point the right direction.

We know it goes as high
as the school board.

-Any higher and we're at City Hall.
-Not the Mayor!

Si, si, the Mayor.
But you can't talk to him, he's so busy.

Look, guys, there he is now.

What the... I mean, que?

We've got to stop him.

[Mayor] I categorically deny
my administration's involvement,

and if you print anything else,
I'll sue you people back to the stone age.

Ahem. Mr. Mayor...

[whispering] ...the kids.

What do you know?
I really don't have anything

to do with diverting
school ball funds for travel,

but in case I do, I don't.

Wait a sec.
Where did Superintendent Skinner go

on his trip again?

-Out of town.
-Washington, D.C.

Right. So this has been out of the Mayor's
league from the beginning.

-What's in D.C.? Or should I say who?
-No T.J. you don't mean...

Yes, Vince, I do. Reasons I can't think
of our superintendent has conspired

with the President of the United States
to take away our playground balls.

No!

We can't possibly retrieve our balls
from the highest office in the land.

No, I'm afraid we can't.

For the rest of our days at school,
we'll just have to make do without.

You're out.

I still don't get it. What would
the President want

with our playground balls?

-The President. Amateurs.
-Butch?

Yeah, it's me. And I gotta say

you're some of the most unthorough
detectives I ever laid eyes on.

-Hey.
-Easy there, T.J.

I've been shadowing you,

seeing all the evidence you've been seeing
and to me, it all points in one direction.

Think about it. Who sent you off
to find those clues

in the first place, ah?

-I know someone who can help.
-[Butch] And those informants...

-Follow the memos.
-The old lady and the organ grinder.

Tell me what you know.
I'll point the right direction.

-Nice outfits they were wearing, huh?
-I liked them.

Sure you did. And you liked them
in the drama club's production

of " Angry Organ Grinders
and a German Lady" too, didn't you?

[gasps]

That's right. And tell me, who has the key
to the drama club costume chest?

-[all] Menlo!
-Or should we call you fraulein informant?

Fess up, Menlo.
you were all those informants.

Yeah, so get on the phone
to your little pal, the President,

and get us back our balls!

-Gus, it was Menlo, just Menlo.
-Wasn't it?

You're right. It was me,
and it's my fault they took all the balls.

I know you're not into sports and all,

but taking away our all balls,
that's kind of harsh.

No, it wasn't like that.
It was late last Friday.

[Menlo] Principal Prickly had a tee time,

so Miss Lemon had me complete
his order form.

Simple enough but my mind was elsewhere.

Like any kid, I just wanted to get home,
so I could press my ties

for the following week.

Anyway I checked the box
for returning the old balls,

but I forgot to check the box
for delivering new ones.

So, they took the old balls but never knew
to bring new ones. It was a mistake.

-A mistake?
-Why didn't you just fess up and fix it?

I'm the keeper of the permanent records.
I'm not supposed to make mistakes.

If the people of the school found out
I made one, panic would ensue.

Lighten up, Menlo.
everybody makes mistakes.

I like to think there are no mistakes,
only lessons,

as long as we face them squarely
and learn from them.

I suppose you have a point.

But, hey, wait a sec.
If it was your mistake,

how come everyone was acting
like they were trying to hide something?

I guess since no one knew
who was responsible

they were afraid the blame would
fall on them.

Wow! So even grownups don't want
to get blamed for stuff they didn't do.

And by covering up my mistake, I created
the very panic I was trying to prevent.

-That was my real mistake.
-So, Menlo, about those balls...

Balls away!

[children cheering]

I always knew it was just
a big misunderstanding.

Hey, Lawson, you ready to get whupped
at a game with all the balls?

You bet I am, LaStupid.

What do you say, Menlo? want to play, too?

Thanks for the offer but I have
a requisition form to redesign,

so no one will commit my error ever again.
The only ball I'm using right now

is the one in this ballpoint pen.

Well, guys, I guess this all just goes
to show we're only human.

Indeed we are.
Although, sometimes I wonder...

-...is he?
-[T.J.] That's a good question, Gretch

A question that might require
some investigation.

[bell ringing]

Ah, Friday the last day of our school week
the smell of freedom is in the air.

Something else is in the air, too.

Yeah, what is that?
Smells kind of perfume-y.

Judging by the ratio
of hexanol to citroxcide,

I'd say it's Claudio Puccini's
latest designer set.

The Ashleys must have shown up early
for one of their top-secret powwows.

I wonder what it's about?

I'll tell you guys.
It's about to get interrupted

by eight hairy legs of rubbery terror.

Then the issue is like totally resolved.

I hereby call this emergency
meeting of the Ashleys to a close.

[all] Scandalous!

Rats. I'll have to get them
at the front door.

-Hey, Ashleys... booga, booga, booga!
-Like... eek.

Time to switch to a real spider.

Whatever! Anyway Ashley Spinelli,

you're just the girl we were
like looking for.

Hey, powder puff, I told you
never to call me the "a" word.

I thought it would be all right this time
since we're like giving you these.

Six tickets
to "Wrestlerama's Reign of Pain"?

-Like enjoy, bug girl.
-[all] Ha ha ha!

Hey!

-How'd it go, Spinelli?
-The Ashleys gave me six tickets

to tonight's "Reign of Pain"
wrestling spectacular.

"Reign of Pain" that's got to be
the biggest sports entertainment event

to ever hit this burg.

I can't believe it! These are front row
sweat-catching seats!

I've always found the physics of flying
bodies most intriguing.

-I don't know, guys.
-What's the matter, Spinelli?

Yeah, you love the wrestling.

Sure, but I smell a rat, and this rat's
wearing designer perfume.

What do you mean?

Why would the Ashleys give me tickets
to wrestling?

Me and the Ashleys are like peanut butter
and pickles, we just don't go together.

Come on, Spinelli.
You're just being paranoid.

Am I, Vince? What about the time
the Ashleys secretly entered me

in the little Miss Blush beauty pageant?

But you won that pageant, Spinelli,
and looked quite lovely doing so.

Watch it, Mikey!

As much as I love wrestling,
I have to admit,

Spinelli's making some sense.

I concur. Historically speaking
the Ashleys' behavior has proven them

to be extremely untrustworthy.

If you ask me I say this has all
the ingredients of a dangerous,

dangerous trap.

[all] Mmm.

Come on guys, this gesture could be
the olive branch

that forges a new
and beautiful relationship.

When you give up on people's ability
to do good, you give up on hope.

The tickets sure do look real.

Remember, Gus, that the Ashleys have near
infinite resources

to pull off any evil scheme
they put their minds to.

Yeah, the tickets could be counterfeit.

It'd be pretty embarrassing
to walk into the front row

and find someone else sitting
in these seats.

Not to mention all the trouble
we'd get into for snicking in

with fake ticks.

No kidding, we don't need another movie
dome fiasco on our permanent records.

-Clearly the Ashleys are up to something.
-And I say we find out what.

-We have resources of our own, you know?
-We have resources?

Sure, Gus, good old-fashioned ingenuity.

Now let's go drink us some ice cold milk.

Good idea, Teej. Uh, why milk?

Let's just say it'll help us "see"
what's up or rather, what's down.

I vote for chocolate.

Ugh... any more milk,
and I'll bust open like Finster's corns

on walk for chalk day.

Don't worry Spinelli.
I think we've got just enough.

Behold! a genuine milk carton periscope.

-[T.J] What do you see, Gus?
-Pink stuff, girlie stuff, stuff stuff...

Oh, there they are!
OK, I see Ashley B. talking to Ashley A.

Ashley A. is nodding
and pointing at something.

-What's she pointing at?
-I'm not sure.

It's something in my direction,
something nearby, something. Oh!

She was pointing at the periscope.

No kidding, Gus. Now what do we do?

Perhaps we should give up
this sordid path.

The tunnel of distress only leads deeper
and deeper into the cavern of despair.

I'm not giving up yet, Mikey.
In fact, my next plan's even better.

It's a little something I saw
on "Book 'em and McVice"

the time my big sister
let me stay up past :.

[all] Oh!

Now, remember, Vince,
you're the good kid and I'm the bad kid.

Uh, hello, like, those seats are taken.

They're not the only seats
that are taken, are they?

-Are they?
-What are you babbling about?

You have to forgive T.J.
He's been working a lot of cases lately.

Do I like normally talk to you boys?

No, but you're going to talk now!

Now, Ashley, this can go one or two ways,
we can make it easy for you, or...

Or I can introduce you
to a world of sticky accessories!

Ew! Like gross!

That's right. Now why don't you tell us
about those tickets you gave Spinelli.

No way. That'snone of your B.I. business,
basketball brain.

Basketball brain!

That's right. Your brain's like
totally empty except for air.

Oh! That's it. Ashley A.
You're going down!

Hey, now settle down, Vince.

-I'm supposed to be the bad kid, remember?
-I don't care. You heard what she said.

She is just trying to get at you man.

If you don't play this right,
we're never going to cr*ck this case.

-But, but.
-Chill, Vince, chill.

-Yeah, I guess you're right. Thanks, man.
-Geez, it's what partners are for.

[door closing]

[Vincent] Hey, Teej, she's gone!

I'm getting too old for this.

-How'd it go? How'd it go?
-She was good, real good.

Yeah, she didn't drop a word
about their secret plan.

Perhaps is a parent act
of kindness is just that.

Yeah, a front row act of kindness.

Guys, the Ashleys wouldn't know kindness

if it snuck up and tied their
shoelaces together.

No kidding, those Ashleys
are a cold calculating bunch.

I don't think we'll get them
to spill their plans.

Maybe not to adversaries like you and me,

but the Ashleys sure love to brag
about stuff to their friends.

Feeling Friendly? Gretchen?

-Hello, Ashleys. Anybody home?
-[Ashley Q.] Like, what is it?

Sorry to interrupt, but I had a fight
with Spinelli and the rest of the guys

and you see, they, like,
don't know anything

about the important things in life.

You know like style and fashion,

but I know if I just spend some time
with you Ashleys

I'd like totally get it together, like.

Didn't we try fixing her once before?

-Like yeah. And it was a total dud.
-But she is smart.

[Ashley A.] Maybe she'd do our homework
in exchange for fashion tips.

[Ashley B.] Well you can't fault a girl
for wanting to trade up.

[Aslley A.] All right, Gretchen G.,
you may enter.

-We're in.
-Yes!

Hey, Gretch, remember,
keep an eye out for clues.

What took you so long to drop those loser
friends of yours anyways?

Yeah, do they all go to the same
nearsighted barber,

or do they just use the same
cereal bowl and scissors?

[laughs]

-Uh, hello, Gretchen, are you listening?
-Absolutely.

Bad haircuts every one of them.

And that T.J. boy is so rude.

-Yes. Somebody should get him a leash.
-Absolutely, a flea collar even.

Speaking of collars, Vince sure could use
a fashion consultant.

Oh, yes, basketball outfits
are so out of season.

-Out of season, it is basketball season.
-Quiet. I can't hear all the mean stuff

they're saying about us.

[Ashely A.] And that Spinelli
is so beyond hopeless.

She's like beyond beyond hopeless.

[Gretchen] I agree. her clothing

and mannerisms
are a study in hopelessness.

Gimme that mike, don't go writing notes
your fists can't sign.

Do you hear me, Gretchen?

Spinelli! come on!

A purple book.
Say, what's this?

-Like, sorry, Ashley eyes only.
-Want a molar buster?

Oh, well, thank you.

-Hey there's static! We're losing her!
-Boost the signal!

Wait. No! Stop it.
I can't! Ah! Stop it, stop it!

-[Ashley A.] Uh, Gretchen...
-Eww, like, what kind of earring is that?

I don't care how good she is at homework,
she is not allowed back.

Sorry about the remarks I made,
but you didn't have to hurt my ear.

So Gretch, what did you see in there?

Well, there was some pink stuff,
some girlie stuff, some stuff stuff

and a large purple book on a pedestal
that they didn't want me to look at.

Yeah, I remember the purple book too.
They were all gathered around it

right before they gave me the tickets.

That's got to be where they keep all their
dangerous dangerous plans.

Guys, maybe we should figure out

where they keep their dangerous,
dangerous plans later.

-The wrestling match is starting soon.
-Ha! As if there really is a match.

You think they faked the commercials?

I wouldn't put it past them.
They do have fathers in high places.

Then I'll take the tickets.
Perhaps I can find people to go with me

-who aren't so suspicious.
-I'm not suspicious.

Sure, Mikey, if you wanna make
a fool of yourself

by walking into the Ashleys little trap
you do that.

But I'm not going anywhere until
we get to the bottom of this.

-Now who's with me?
-I'm always with you, Teej.

-Hear, hear!
-Me, too!

We don't have much time
to round up four more guests.

Then let's go.

Don't say we didn't warn you!

Now let's see about that book.

Really, Gretchen, I must say
I'm not sure

this is a proper use
of my decoding capabilities.

Don't worry, Galileo.
It's all for a greater good.

-We're in!
-Let's do it.

There it is!

Gadzooks! It seems we've found
the Ashleys' legendary charter!

Charter Smarter. Let's get to the part
about the fake tickets.

See if there is a chapter
on dangerous, dangerous plans.

No, it's just a bunch of rules and junk--

"Rules for accessorizing,
rules for blush application

Rules for giving things away..."

Wait a second! what was that last one?
"giving things away"?

Yeah, let's see here.

"On the occasion an Ashley cannot,
or does not wish

to use a gift which she receives,

and the gift cannot be returned
for charge card credit,

said gift must be passed on
to another Ashley."

What does that mean?

I think it means since none of the Ashleys
like wrestling,

they had to give the tickets to Spinelli.
She's the only other Ashley they know.

-That means the tickets are real after all
-Well, shut my mouth and call me Ashley.

"Reign of Pain," Here we come!

We got to find Mikey and Gus before
they give away our seats. Let's go.

[door closing]

What was that?

Galileo?

Oh dear, it appears the security system
has an elaborate timing mechanism

that I'm unable to override. Fortunately,
my batteries are fully charged.

I hope all of you have food.

Don't tell me we're locked
in here till morning.

Unless you have another way
for me to phrase it, yes.

Oh man! I should have just taken
the tickets and run.

Why did I have to be so suspicious?

Come on, Teej, you got to have
another plan in you.

Yeah, Teej, tell me you have
a way out of here.

Guys, there's only one thing we can do.

[all] Help! Help!

Help! Help!

[crowd cheers]

Enough of the antics! Finish him off!

Safety man, this not look safe.

Don't worry, Hector, they're professionals
they won't get hurt.

This wrestling stuff sure do make people
like all kinds of crazy, like.

Indeed, all kinds of crazy.

You crazy kids are lucky
us janitors don't leave till :.

[Gretchen] Be careful, Hank,
that front tire is steel-belted.

Don't worry, I almost got it. Almost

[bell rings]

Well, I almost got it.

[bell rings]