03x37 - Prickly is Leaving/Randall's Friends

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

[screams]

[screams]

[burps]

[cheering]

[telephone rings]

Prickly here.
Oh, superintendent Skinner.

How are Mrs. Skinner
and the little Skinnerettes?

My application? Yes, Sir.

Oh, thank you, Sir.

And might I say, Sir,
you've made an excellent choice.

Because you chose me. Whoo-hoo!

This is not fair!

What's with you, weans?
Mikey wasn't bothering anyone.

Don't blame it on Randall.
You know the rules--

No toys from home
allowed on the playground,

including Mikey's
Funboy Haiku poetry game.

Pick a -syllable phrase
invoking an image of nature.

Just the kind of garbage that'll
throw a school into chaos.

Come, Randall. Job well done.

You know, I'm getting sick of how things
work around this joint.

Perhaps we should bring this injustice
to Principal Prickly's attention.

Come on, Gretch. He's the guy who made
that no-toys-on-the-playground rule.

He doesn't care about us kids.

[Prickly] Attention. May I have
your attention, please?

You, too!

Children, faculty, janitors,
and whoever else works here,

I am sure you're all aware
of the terrible cheese voucher scandal

-that recently rocked our district.
-[all gasp]

Well, good news! The principal
of Spiro T. Agnew Middle School

has been fired, and I've been
chosen to replace him.

That's right, I'm leaving!

[cheering]

Excuse me, Randall.

I need to be alone.

I'm sure you're all thrilled for me
as I am for myself,

so feel free to celebrate

because today's a happy, happy day.

Oh, did I say a happy, happy day?

I meant a happy, happy, happy day,

the happiest happy day ever.

There's just one thing.

To make sure I've been doing a good job
here at Third Street,

Superintendent Skinner will be visiting
Thursday for an official inspection.

Now go practice your manners

'cause I am out of here!

[laugs]

[cheering]

So the big guy is hitting the bricks.

Finally we can relax and live like kids.

I'm wearing my Beanie McChimp
t-shirt to school,

and nobody's going to stop me!

[laughs]

I've got something in mind
for the Ashleys.

Let's just say
electromagnets are involved.

This is going to, as they say, rock!

[Menlo] Don't be so sure.

Menlo?

You think you've had it bad so far?

Well, let me tell you,
the worst is yet to come.

What? Menlo, that necktie's
choking off your noggin.

Yeah, sorry, guy. Prickly is leaving.

You fools! Certainly I know he's leaving.

Did you ever consider who might be coming
to replace him?

The news arrived in the office
in the form of a fax.

Our new principal
is the strictest, meanest,

toughest administrator
in the whole entire district,

a man they call Slicer.

Slicer?

And tomorrow he's coming for a visit.

Oh, come on. There's no way
this Slicer guy

can be any worse than Prickly.

-Gilda.
-Sir.

Notes.

Main compound needs new coat of paint.

Hedges there, there, and there
require trimming.

They obscure the approaches
to the main entrance,

leaving it vulnerable.

Overall impression--
could use more discipline.

Miss Finster, Miss Finster,
the new principal's here,

and, boy, does he have big plans
for this place.

School uniforms, regulation haircuts.

And get this: he's tearing down
the jungle gym

and putting in a guard tower.

Oh, Miss Finster, isn't he wonderful?

Miss Finster?

[sighs] You'd think I'd be happy,
wouldn't you, Randall?

But principal Prickly and I,

for years now we've been a team,

like liver and onions,

like clam juice and celery.

Like Finster and Weems?

Yes, Randall,

A little like Finster and Weems.

Wow. That Slicer guy really is scary.

He's nothing. Watch as I work a little
of the old Detweiler magic on him.

Hey, slicey, baby, how's it hanging?

I believe I've read your dossier.

Yes, Detweiler, Theodore J.,
the troublemaking funny boy.

You do consider yourself
a funny boy, don't you, Detweiler?

Eh...

Well, I don't like funny boys, Detweiler.

It was a funny boy who gave me this scar.

How, you ask?

Let's just say
electromagnets were involved.

-[gulps]
-Gilda, pen and paper.

For your information, Theodore Detweiler,

my name is not slicey. It is Dr. Slicer.

I have A PhD in discipline
with a minor in punishment.

Do not forget it. Now straighten up.

Take off your hat.

Starting Monday
when I become your principal,

this will be your hat.

Gilda, those tetherball poles--
there, there...

Have them ripped out.

That guy is worse than Prickly.

We got to do something.

[whistling]

Principal Prickly.

Hey, grade-school moppets.
What do you want?

We just wanted to tell you
how wonderful you are and stuff.

Yeah, anyone who says you whomp,
they're just plain wrong.

Principal Slicer?
No, Prickly sounds nicer.

Lovely, kids. But it's obvious
the only reason you're being nice to me

is because you're scared
of my replacement.

And you know what I say to that?

Sorry! [laugh]

Nice hat.

[whistling]

[whistling]

Mail, Sir.

[whistling]

[Vince] Good afternoon.
This is the radio news.

Our top story--

Spiro T. Agnew Middle School
has just been named

the world's most dangerous place on earth.

-What?
-Here's our experts to tell you why

Spiro T. Agnew is more
dangerous than any other place,

except for maybe inside lava.

[Gus] Hi, I'm a scientist.

And I'm a fearless adventurer.

I gotta say Spiro T. Agnew School
gives me the willies.

It's got ghosts and stuff.

It's built on top of a graveyard

and it's full of red-hot laser beams.

Look out! Here comes the nuclear zombie
that lives there!

Stop so I can eat you.

[all screaming]

Very funny, you elementary school kids
and your practical jokes.

But from now on,
I'm only concerning myself

with the problems of middle school kids.

Now leave me alone.

I told you I should have been
the scientist.

Oh, man. This is hopeless.

Skinner's coming
for his inspection tomorrow.

Once that's finished,
Prickly's out of here.

The big inspection-- that's it!

Prickly wants middle school problems,

I say we help him out.

I'm afraid I'm not following you, T.J.

Gretchen, what do you know
about -year-olds?

♪ For Prickly's a jolly good principal ♪

♪ For Prickly's a jolly good principal ♪

♪ For Prickly's a jolly good principal ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

[cheering]

Wow, Prickly, I am impressed. You didn't
put the kids up to this, did you?

No, Sir. Now right this way.

The kindergartners have spontaneously

taught themselves
a traditional Irish folk dance.

Wonderful, but who are those children
over there?

I... I have no idea who they are.

Well, then let's meet them.

I notice you're not lined up
with the other students.

That's because I reject you, man!

You and everything you stand for!

Well, that's fairly disturbing.

That's just T.J. Detweiler.
He's just joking around.

Ah, here's the intelligent and courteous
Gretchen Grundler.

Say hello to the very important man,
Gretchen.

Greetings are depressing.
Life is pointless.

Leave me now to grapple
with my own irrelevance

as I confront young adulthood, man.

I know I got to make weight,
but I can't live on egg whites forever!

I'm breaking out! Yet another sock hop
spent alone with my regrets.

I have father issues.

These are just the types of problems

you'll be encountering in middle school.

It's the perfect opportunity
for you to show off

your one-on-one counseling skills.

Oh, uh, certainly, Sir.

You, back off. You, cheer up.
You, eat something.

You, cut back on the fried foods.

You, mow the lawn.

You are so dreamy.

[scream] Get a hamster.

Prickly, what decisive handling

of those children's strange problems.

Spiro T. Agnew is yours.

Let's go iron out the details, shall we?

Sir, I would be delighted.

[all sigh]

That was our last chance.

I guess Prickly realy is leaving.

All right, everybody, break it up.

There's nothing left to see.

[sighs] Nothing left at all.

Gilda, this w*apon is full of cement.

See that it's cleaned out
and made operational.

All right, everybody, be brave.

In a moment Principal Prickly
will walk out the door

of Third Street School forever!

[crying]

Gee, Miss Finster, you're pretty upset
about this, huh?

It's a crushing blow,
my own personal Hindenburg.

How come you didn't help get him to stay?

[sighs] Principal Prickly is my friend.

For years he's wanted
to run a middle school.

It's his dream, and I'm not
going to get in the way of that.

Because when you really
care about someone,

you forget about what's best for you

and you do what's best for them.

Adios, k-through-ers.

I'm off to -- city.

[crying]

Jeez, what's up with Finster?

Sir, what it is with Miss Finster--

Well, I think she's just
really happy for you.

And to be honest, so are we.

-You are?
-Yeah!

I mean, all things considered,
you've been a pretty OK principal,

and well, Sir, we're going to miss you.

T.J., I had no--

Bravo. Very touching, indeed.

From now on we'll just call you
Captain Sappy.

Now, hold on, Slicer.

-Detweiler was merely expressing--
-Enough!

When I begin my duties here on Monday,
there will be no sappiness.

Sappiness makes you soft,
like Miss Finster here.

Henceforth, Gilda
is in charge of the playground.

You will be her assistant.

You will wear a gray dress
and answer to this whistle.

[tweet]

Now come, Principal Prickly.

It's time to move on.

Go now, and feel no need to look back.

I'll whip this school into shape.

Sappiness-- hmph.

This is it, guys. Today's the day.

The end of life as we know it.

Which hat am I supposed to wear?

He didn't say
which hat I'm supposed to wear.

[horn honks]

Thanks for the ride, Slicey.

[Slicer] You're making
a big mistake, Prickly.

Principal Prickly!
What are you doing here?

Skinner wouldn't cough up enough cash,

So I decided to stay.

But believe me! The minute they make
a better offer, I am out of here.

Well, it's a school day, isn't it?

Stop standing around.

[children cheering]

Boy, Dad, that chicken liver
and onion omelet sure smells great.

The birthday boy always gets
his favorite breakfast.

Happy birthday, Randy.

Leonard, I'll be home in time
For Randy's birthday dinner.

While I am gone, I want you
to keep an eye on the swansons.

I have suspicions about
the legality of their cable tv hookup.

Yes, dear. I'll surveil them but good.

I'll help, mom.

That's my little Gherkin.

Of course I could be even more helpful

If you got me the present I asked for.

Ta-da! Genuine KGB surplus
night-vision goggles.

I was up cooking before dawn

And didn't turn on a single light.

Happy birthday, son.

Boss! Mom, dad, you guys are the best.

We know, dear.

Gotta run. I'll phone from the office
if I can find a secure line.

Chicken livers, night goggles--

This is the best birthday ever!

And it gets better. This afternoon
I'm coming to your school

with goodies and surprises
for all of your friends.

Friends?

You know, the ones
you're always talking about.

[nervous laugh]

Oh, yeah, those friends.

Good morning, all. An how are we doing
this bright and sunny day?

All right, Weems, what's your angle?

No angle, honest.

It's just that, well,
today's my birthday.

Yeah, yeah. Birthday Schmirthday.
What's that got to do with us?

Well, see, my old man is dropping
by the school,

and I was thinking, you know,
if you're not busy,

that maybe you guys would get a kick

out of pretending to be my best friends
for the day?

You're kidding, right?

You want us to be your friends?

Just pretend. There's cupcakes
in it for you.

No lousy cupcake is going to make up

for the gazillion times you ratted us out.

I don't rat you out.

I defy you to tell me the last time
I ratted you out.

Yesterday. You told Miss Finster

I used the word poop deck,
and we were studying pirates.

OK, you made your point.
But help me this once

and I promise not to snitch
for a whole month.

My aunt Glo says: "Deal with a weasel,

and you're going to get scratched."

Yeah, no deal, weasel.

I didn't want to resort to this

but this document says that T.J. Detweiler

was the one who threw Principal Prickly's
flip-flops on the roof last week,

and it's written on official
board of ed stationery.

[all gasp]

But T.J. didn't do anything of the kind!

That's not what the document says.

I don't care, Randall!
I'd rather take the fall

for a crime that I didn't comitt
than pretend to be friends with you.

All I wanted was for my father
to think I had friends.

I told them all about you, guys,
and I sort of figured,

since you guys are the coolest kids
on the playground,

that maybe you'd play along.

I guess I was wrong.

Uh, guys--

Don't even say it, T.J.

But look at the poor kid.
He's more hunched than usual.

Ask yourself who among us would want
their parents to know

they were the most unpopular kid
in school?

Teej, he's unpopular for a good reason.

Good reason, bad reason,
it's still his birthday.

Without friends, a kid's birthday
is just another day of the year.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to pretend,
you know, just for one day.

He did call us the coolest kids
on the playground.

And that fake note did seem
like a genuine cry for help.

[sighs] OK, fine, I'll go along
with your dopey plan,

but I ain't happy about it.

That's the old Spinelli. Randall!

You'll do it?

Until the bell rings at exactly :,
and not a second longer.

Yes! I knew you guys were the best!

Before we start, Randall,
lose the bogus note.

Sure, anything you want, buddy.

Uh... temporary buddy.

Attention, everyone.

Today we have a very special visitor.

Let's all warmly welcome
Randall's father, Mr. Weems.

Hello, boys and girls.

I brought you all some treats
in honor of Randy's birthday.

[all sniff]

Something smells mighty good.

It's the unmistakable aroma
of homemade cupcakes.

[sniffs] Cooked at degrees
for minutes

and, yes, buttercream frosting.

Come on up and help yourself to cupcakes.

I made them myself
from a neighbor's recipe.

It was just sitting there
in a recycling bin.

There you are, T.J.
Take a big one, Mikey.

Gretchen, here's one with sprinkles.

Gus, Vince, Spinelli, help yourselves.

Thanks, Mr. Weens. This is
the best cupcake I ever tasted.

Nothing but the best for Randy's pals.

Oh, sure, Randy's a real pal.

Yep, he's one of the guys.

-My paisano.
-All of the above.

And after you're done eating,

there's a surprise
waiting on the playground.

A mixing bowl to lick?

Even better.

[children cheering]

Whompin' bobyula! A bounce at recess?

Somebody pinch me.

Nothing says happy birthday

like the reckless abandon
of a bouncy room.

It's a little slice of chaos
in an all-too-orderly universe.

Glad you're enjoying yourselves,
"friends."

Hey, any time you need pretend pals

for a special day,
you just name it, Randall.

I'll hold you to that, Vince-ter.

[laughing]

The nerve of that birthday boy,

Leaving me to do my own grunt work.

Let's see. Any evidence of contraband?
Chewing gum? Candy wrappers?

Hmm, what have we here?

Jackpot.

OK, children, she's fully inflated.

Thanks again, Mr. Weems. This rocks.

Well, I didn't do this just to be nice.
The fact is,

I've been eager to meet Randy's friends
after hearing so much about you.

Yeah, well, we all love that Randy.

But you especially, hey, Spinelli?

Beg pardon?

All I can say is don't you rush my Randy
into marriage, little girl.

Ma... Ma...

What does Randall say about me, Mr. Weems?

Only that you're the new kid.

Oh.

Who Randy stands up and protects
from various school bullies.

Randall protects him?

You should know, Mikey,

or should I say Mike The Mauler?

Hard to believe you were
such a vicious bully not long ago.

Randy sure has done well to teach you
the wisdom of turning the other cheek.

I beg your pardon, Mr. Weems,
but Mikey's pacifism is tested by Randall,

not learned from him.

Is that jealousy I'm hearing from
the second smartest student in school?

Let me guess. I'm the second best athlete?

Second best is nothing
to be ashamed of, Vince.

Randy's offered to train you.
Learn from him.

Uh, Sir, what about me?

You are a great kid. It's hard to imagine
you didn't have any friends

until Randy convinced others
to play with you.

Hey, how about a picture of the pals?

Drat, out of microfilm.

I'll get another roll
from the sport-utility.

He convinced others to play with me?

Why, I've got half a mind to--

Detweiler! I knew I'd catch
the culprit sooner or later.

Huh?

This official memo proves
you're the rapscallion

who threw Principal Prickly's
flip-flops on the roof.

I'm innocent, I am telling you.
Randall, you set me up.

I didn't. I... I--

You and the birthday boy
can iron out your differences later,

after one week of level- detention.

I've been framed!

[nervous laugh] Anyone for a bounce?

[Vince] When we catch you, we are going
to bounce you to the moon!

But I threw the note in the trash.

How was I supposed to know
Finster would find it?

You should have never made it
in the first place!

Please, friends, v*olence
only begets more v*olence.

[groan]

The jig is up, Weems.

Prepare to be dribbled
like a human basketball.

Wait! Would you believe I have a plan?

-Not interested.
-Look, I know you guys don't like me,

and I am kind of not too fond
of you either.

But dribbling me
Won't get T.J. out of detention.

Forgive our distrust, but helping T.J.'s
never been very high

on your priorities list, Randall.

Until today. T.J. looked
past our differences

and was there for me
when I needed fake friends.

Now he's in trouble because of my note.

I just want a chance to pay him back.

All right, weasel, what's the plan?

[kids yelling]

King Bob is jumping alone. Be patient.

It will only be a few more minutes.

OK, Randall, we made a rope. Now what?

Tehre's only one thing can countermand
an official board of ed letter,

and that's a pardon typed on
principal Prickly's personal stationery.

-Miss Lemon.
-What is it, Randall? I'm busy.

Miss Finster needs to know
who has detention duty this week.

[groan] I don't see why she can't
come in herself and look it up.

It says Miss Grotke has detention duty
this week.

Well, who has cafeteria duty?

Why in the world would Muriel
need to know that?

Ours is not to reason why.

[grumbling]

Tell Miss Finster that Coach Kloogie

has cafeteria duty this week.

Um, who has teachers' lounge duty?

After careful investigation,
I have determined

that T.J. Detweiler
is innocent of any wrongdoing

involving me or my flip-flops.

Yours in school, Peter Prickly.

Sweet! It even has the crooked "f"

Miss Lemon's typewriter is famous for.

We just need the person with the most
illegible handwriting to sign it.

That would be me.

Hey, wait a darn minute.

There's no such thing
as teachers' lounge duty.

Oops, my mistake. Bye now.

What the devil? No paper?

Oh, honey, you are losing your mind.

Nerves of steel, Weems.

That was positively T.J.-esque.

There will be time for praise later.

Right now we have to give
this bogus letter To Finster and free T.J.

[Mr. Weems] Randy!

Did I just see what I think I saw?

I am not sure, father.

Did I just see you mastermind
the writing of a forged note?

Yes, father.

To help one Of your closest friends
out of a serious jam?

That's right, father.
One of my closest friends.

I see. Miss Finster, Miss Finster!

I caught Randall and his posse
trying to spring that Detweiler boy.

Randall, is this true?

Yes, ma'am, but don't punish
the others, it was all my fault.

I wrote the note that implicated T.J.
in the first place.

-[gasps]
-Randall, I'm very disappointed in you.

These crimes demand
the strictest punishment.

But since you're a first-time offender
with a spotless record,

and seeing as it's your birthday,

I'll let you off with a probationary
detention level one this time.

Thank you, Mr. Weems. Here's a cookie.

Miss Finster, what about T.J.?

Oh, yeah, him.
Come along and I'll release him.

I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I let you down.

I think you'd better explain yourself.

Well, I wanted you to think
I had friends in school.

You mean these six aren't your friends?

No, father.

And you don't run around
with them every recess as you said,

hatching plans and ruling the roost?

All a big, horrible lie, Sir.

You know I hate lying, Randall.

-But what a relief.
-Huh?

I was starting to worry about you, kiddo.

I was saying to myself, "Weems,
you don't even know your own son."

You mean you don't care
that I don't have any friends?

Of course not. All I want is for you
to be proud of who you are.

Heck, I used to be the same way
when I was your age:

a lone hawk keeping a watchful eye,

with no personal relationships
to distract me from my appointed task.

Wow, Dad, I never thought of that.

I guess for us snitches,
friends just get in the way.

Now you are talking.

But remember, a Weems never lies

or sneaks around behind
the back of authority.

Unless, of course, he's currying the favor
of an even bigger authority.

Sorry, Dad. I'll never do it again.

That's my boy. Now what do you say
we get some ice cream

and surveil the Swansons?

I'll use my night-vision goggles.

And I'll use mine.

And I thought my family was weird.