05x06 - Parents Day

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(ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MONKEY SCREECHES)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(GUSHING)

(CRACKS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GASPS)

(SNARLING)

(CHOMPING)

Still got the serum?

Right here.

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

GRANDPA:
And that's how
your parents,

got the orchid serum

out of the Forbidden Jungle

and brought it back
to save the village

from the sleeping
sickness, Arnold.

When they get out
of the jungle
just in time,

that's my favorite part.
Then what happened, Grandpa?

No, no, no.
I'll tell you tomorrow.

Same time, same place.

Ah, just one more story?

No, always leave 'em
asking for more, Shortman.

Good night.

Boys and girls,
I'm passing out
another flyer

to remind you about
Parents' Tournament Weekend.

Parents' Tournament Weekend

will be a heartfelt
celebration of those
special people.

Your moms and dads.
who take the responsibility

to raise, to teach,
and protect you.

Cut to the chase, Simmons.
What are the prizes?

The team with
the highest score

will win this handsome trophy.
STUDENTS: Ooh!

And the second and third
place winners will get
these attractive ribbons.

Are you coming
too, Arnold?

I mean, by bringing
your grandma
and grandpa as parents?

Since you don't have no...

Ow!
Shh. Stinky!

MR. SIMMONS:
So, tell your parents.

You need
a good night's sleep
boys and girls.

The festivities
start first thing
tomorrow morning!

Man, I can't wait
for the parents'
tournament, Arnold.

It's gonna be a blast.

Sack races, egg tosses,

that gladiator
triathlon thing.

I don't think
I want to go, though.

Huh? Why not?

Everyone's gonna be there
with their parents.

I've just got
my grandparents.

What, are you crazy?

Your grandma is
a karate master.

And your grandpa can
bench-press 210 pounds.

They're the coolest
grandparents I know.

You guys will kick butt on it.

All the same.

I hope grandma and grandpa

forgot about
the parents' tournament.

Ninety-seven.

Ninety-eight.

Ninety-nine.
(DOOR OPENS)

One hundred!

Okay, Pookie, you can
get off me now.

Hey, Arnold!

Can't wait to take down
the young whippersnappers

at Parents' Tournament
Weekend tomorrow.

Right, Pookie?
Hai!

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

So, where did we
leave off, Shortman?

Ooh, that's right.
Your mom and dad

made it out
of the jungle alive.

Grandpa, please,
could we skip
story tonight?

(GASPS) What? Are you
sick, or something?

You sure you don't
want a story?

Yeah. I'm sure.

I really just
want to go to sleep.

Oh, I get it.

Pretty nervous about
the competition, huh?

Well, don't worry, Arnold.

We'll strike fear and terror

in the hearts
of your little classmates!

(LAUGHS EXULTANTLY)

GRANDMA:
♪ Arnold, Arnold
He's our man

♪ If he can't do it
No one can

GRANDPA:
♪ Who's the best?
East or West

♪ Who's got zest?
b*at the rest

♪ Arnold, Arnold, zis boom bah

♪ Go Arnold! ♪

(HORN HONKING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Quite a lineup you
got there, football head.

Ha! We gotta b*at
these characters?

Ha-ha! The trophy is
practically ours.

See this? You're gonna
be looking at it

crossing the finish line,
Pataki.

(GRUNTING)

MR. SIMMONS:
Good morning, P.S. 118
fourth-grade class

and all you parents!

Welcome to our first-ever
Parents' Tournament Weekend.

Eugene.

(VALIANT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMS) Ow.

I'm okay.

At the end of
this weekend,
one lucky family

will take home this trophy.

You're all winners, of course.

Whoever wins the trophy
is best parent.

(ALL CHEERING)
No, no, no.
You don't understand.

This isn't that kind
of competition.

Everybody wins
this weekend.

The trophy is more
of a symbol, really.

(SCOFFS)
What a tea cozy.

I doubt if there's
a handful of guts

in this whole
stinkin' crowd.

What are you looking at?
(GASPS)

Ready, Helga?

Let's kick some butt.

Let the games begin!

(ALL CHEERING)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right!

(LAUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, at present,
Gerald's team
is in third place.

Phoebe's and Arnold's teams
are tied for second.

And the team
to b*at is Helga's.

You must be tired, Grandpa.

You sure you don't want
to sit this one out?

Are you kidding?

I'm just getting
my second wind.

Okay, we've come to
the final competition
of the day.

The egg toss relay race.

Teammates, you must
keep tossing your eggs

back and forth
to each other

until we're down
to two contestants.

Boy, that guy loves
to hear himself talk,
doesn't he?

Okay, come on, you two.
We gotta strategize.

Where were you
on that last race,
Helga?

We should have
won by a mile.

You better not
let me down, girl.

What do you mean
let you down?

Listen, I am taking time off
from my busy schedule

running a Beeper empire

to show up here today.

So I deserve to win
that Best-Parent trophy.

Losing it is unacceptable.

Dad, this just in.
We're ahead!

That's exactly
the kind of attitude
that breeds losers.

You got me?

Loud and clear, Bob.

You're the man.

We gotta win you
that trophy.

There. That's the kind
of attitude I want to see.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

Isn't this fun?

Three teams remain.

Phoebe, Helga, and Arnold.

(MYSTERIOUS INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Brilliant catch, my love.

Ha! Nice job,
football head.

You couldn't
catch a cold!

You loser!
You couldn't...

BOB: Hey, heads up!
Huh?

(ALL LAUGHING)

For crying out loud, Helga,
what's the matter with you?

Keep your eye on the egg,
not your opponent.

We are not gonna
let some orphan boy

and his ancestors

win this parents'
weekend thing.

You understand?
Dad!

What?

GRANDPA: Heads up,
Shortman. Attaboy!

(CHUCKLING)

Phoebe!

Arnold, you look like
you've been poleaxed.

What in the Sam Hill
happened out there?

Nothing, Grandpa.

(SIGHS WEARILY)

I just got
turned around.

That's all.

That trophy better
not slip out of
my fingers, Helga.

You got that?
Victory will be mine.

(SCOFFS) Victory.

What price
a victory?

A trophy is
an empty mockery
if my dad wins it.

What's the point of winning

if it means hurting
the one thing I love
most in life.

My beloved
parentless Arnold.

I've got it!

I'll go apologize
for my dad

and then I'll be
conscience-free

to b*at Arnold tomorrow.

What a great plan.

Hey, football head.
Wait up.

What, Helga?

I just want to say that,

I mean, I like an insult
just as much as the next guy,

but back there
when my Dad

said that thing about
you being an orphan...

Yeah, I remember.

Yeah, I guess maybe
it went too far.

I gotta get going.

I mean, you know
you don't have parents.

You don't need my dad
pointing it out to you.

I mean, it's tough enough
being all alone in the world.

Thanks, Helga.

So, you okay?

Sure.
Good.

'Cause tomorrow
I'm gonna kick your butt!

I think that
went very well.

GRANDMA:
♪ Oh give me a home

♪ Where the buffalo roam

♪ Where the deer
and the antelope play ♪

More kidney bean sticks?

Why, you ain't even
touched your first helping.

I guess I ate a lot
at the festival.

GRANDPA:
Ooh, no harm in that.

Festival food
is good for you.

Especially that pink
fluffy junk on a stick.

I'll take some more
of them beans, Pookie.

I need plenty of fuel
to wipe the floor

with that Pataki
character tomorrow.

ARNOLD: Um, Grandpa.

About the tournament,
I'd rather not
go back tomorrow.

You think we could
do something else?

Uh-oh.

I sense another one of your
"Oh, so painfully illuminating
boyhood" problems.

Fess up, Arnold.

It's just that parents'
tournament weekend,

it's for kids
and their parents.

And yet, you and Grandma
are great and everything

but you're not
actually my parents.

I don't know
if I belong there.

Oh, Arnold.

Anyway, I think
I'm too full for dessert.

Good night.

I made a
raspberry cobbler.

No, thanks.

Night, Arnold.
Night, Arnold.

Now...
Now what, Pookie?

You better go
talk to him, Phil.

I don't know.

Somehow I don't think
another bedtime story

about his parents
is gonna fix this.

He needs you, Phil.

You better go
talk to him, anyway.

(SIGHS WEARILY)

Okay, wish me luck.

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

You okay, Shortman?

Come in, Grandpa.

I take it you don't want
to hear this story

about how your parents
saved the entire country

of Sri Lanka
from fire ants.

Do you? No.

How about the time
when they were acrobats
in the Peking midget circus

and the big top b*rned down...

You don't want to.

I guess I'm plumb out of
good stories.

Tell me the real story
this time, Grandpa.

I want to know
what really happened
to my parents.

Oh, dear.

Are you sure, Arnold?

Yes, I'm sure.

All right, then.
Here goes.

Your father really was
a scientist, you know.

And he was
a doctor, too.

One day, he was hiking
with his expedition.

looking for
a rare tropical plant

that could cure
a terrible disease.

But then Dr. Iron Claw,

with his evil plot to overtake
the entire world...

Grandpa.

Yeah, I told you...
That's right.
You wanted the truth.

Well, anyway,
your father was
on an expedition.

Look at that cloud.

It's just like a sailboat.
A schooner.

Fifty miles
into the jungle

and he's looking
at schooners
in the clouds.

My friend, you are
a true romantic.

A romantic?

The ladies must be
crazy for you.

Are you kidding?

I'll never find a girl
who'll put up with me

wandering like this
all over the planet.

WOMAN: Oh,
look at that cloud!

Isn't it beautiful?

It's like a sailboat.
A clipper.

It's more of
a schooner, really.

(EXCLAIMING)

Yeah, if you
couldn't tell a schooner
from a clipper ship.

Hello.

Hello.

Aye, aye, aye.

GRANDPA: They were
so much alike,
your mom and dad.

I never saw
anything like it.

(RUSTLING)

(CHUCKLING)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

(NEIGHING)

Eduardo!

(CRASHES)

STELLA: You can relax.
The cavalry is here.

You always hang around
on mountainsides?

You sure you landed
on your shoulder?

As opposed to my heart?

(CLEARS THROAT)

GRANDPA: They all
helped your dad
and his friend

get down
to a safe place
before dark.

(STRUMMING THE GUITAR)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

They were meant
for each other, Shortman.

They traveled around
the world together.

So, all that stuff
about flying planes

and exploring jungles
was true?

Yep.
You didn't make it up.

Well, I may have
exaggerated some parts.

That stuff about
the midget circus
I mostly made up.

I was drawing on
my own experiences.

You wanted a lot of
bedtime stories, Arnold,

and I needed
a lot of material.

I guess I understand.

But they were
really good people

and they sure
loved each other.

That's why they
decided to get married
and have you.

So, what happened to them?

Where are they now, Grandpa?

Hmm, you don't
remember, do you?

You were just
a little fella.

(CHUCKLING)

Good boy, Arnold.
You can make it.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

That's my boy.
You did it.

GRANDPA: One day,
your dad's old friend
Eduardo came to see them.

It seems
there was a disease

wiping out whole villages
in the remotest parts
of his country.

Villages that hadn't
seen an outsider

since your parents used
to fly in with medicine.

(SIGHS WEARILY)

I'm sorry, Eduardo.

We have a baby boy now.

That part of
our lives is over.

We can't go
with you, my friend.

EDUARDO: But, you two
are my last hope.

These mountain people
may die out forever.

Please, my old friend.
I'm begging you.

For the sake
of the children.

One last mission, please.

(CHUCKLING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

STELLA: We won't be
gone long, I promise.

You be a good boy for
grandpa and grandma, okay?

We'll be back
next week,
little buddy.

Then I'll take you
to the park.

Mommy loves you so much.

Daddy loves you, Arnold.

Bye, Mommy.

Bye, Daddy.

GRANDPA: And so,
they loaded up their plane

and took off
for one last time.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

What happened
to 'em, Grandpa?

They never came back.

Never heard
from them again.

What about
their plane?

It was never found.

So, they could
just be lost.

And maybe some day,
they might come back.

Well, I suppose that's
possible, Arnold.

It's not very likely,
but it is possible.

(SIGHS) Grandpa.
Thanks for telling me
the truth.

You're growing up,
aren't you, Shortman?

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

Mommy! Daddy!

Mommy! Daddy!

Mommy! Daddy!

Ooh, what are you
doing out of bed,
Shortman?

I'm scared. I can't find
my mommy and daddy.

Oh, now, don't cry,
you poor little fella.

Hey, how about
I tell you

a warm mythical
bedtime story tonight?

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Did I ever tell you
about the time
your mom and dad

worked for
a midget circus
in Peking?

No. Tell me the story.

(LAUGHING)

Why? They're
natural born acrobats
your mom and dad.

They can walk
a high wire

just like strolling
down the sidewalk.

It comes from years
of crossing rope bridges
in Mozambique.

That's a country
in Africa, you know.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

Say, Tex.

What's a cowpoke like you
doing without his horse?

Climb on my back, ol' peep.

Say, "Giddy-up."

Giddy-up.

(LITTLE ARNOLD CHUCKLING)

GRANDPA: Attaboy Arnold.
That's the right stuff.

(GRANDPA EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

(YELLING) Off we go
into the wild blue yonder!

(GRANDPA LAUGHS HEARTILY)

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

(CHOMPING)

This oatmeal was
awfully runny, Pookie.

That's because
it's miso soup.

You need
warrior strength

on the field
of battle today, Yuanshen San.

Uh, Pookie,

I think we better forget about
the parents' tournament.

I talked to
Arnold last night.

Morning, Grandpa.
Morning, Grandma.

Oh, hi, Arnold.

I didn't hear you
coming now.

Sleep well?

Sort of. I had some
interesting dreams.

You still thinking
of that story I told you
about your parents?

Yeah, I am.

Well, then,
you got any ideas

what you'd like
to do today?

Go fishing maybe,
or down to the aquarium?

I was thinking.

Maybe we can go back
to the parents' tournament.

Really? But I thought
you said it was just for
kids with actual parents.

Yeah, but for me,
that means you and Grandma.

Then it's time to
man the battle stations.

We'll fight 'em
in the trenches.

We'll fight 'em
on the beaches.

We'll give em heck, Harry.

(EXCLAIMING)

That's right,
we're a team!

Nothing can stop us!

I'm gonna
win that trophy

or my name is
not Big Bob Pataki.

and nothing
is gonna stop us.

Welcome back,
parents, kids,

to our final day of
Parents' Tournament Weekend.

(ALL CHEERING)

(ZANY INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

There she goes!

You can do it, Pookie!

I want some hustle
in it, Miriam. Come on.

I'm doing the best
I can, B.

Come on. The old bag
and the orphan
can't b*at you.

It's "best parent" day

not "screw everything up"
day, Miriam.

I beg your pardon?

Just get the kid
on my back.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

I'm sorry,
Mr. Pataki.

But dropping
your daughter
disqualifies you

in this competition.

What are you
telling me for?

Miriam is the one
who dropped her.

I'm sorry, Mr. Pataki.

Those are the rules

and I'm gonna leave now.

Dad, just forget
about it, okay?

Don't tell me
to forget about it,
little lady.

And for
the ultimate challenge,

We have the triathlon,

where the contestants
must pass the batons
to their teammates

in a series
of grueling events

ending in the balance beam
gelatin joust.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

I made that up.

First teams up
are Helga's and...

The oldest living Americans.

Ha! I'll let you know
I'm the second oldest.

She's the oldest.

On your mark,
get set, go!

(ALL CHEERING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHIRRING)

ARNOLD: Go, Grandma. Go, go!

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL CHEERING)

That gelatin mold
has got your name
on it, Pataki.

Give me
your best sh*t, Gramps.

I'll let you
have one for free.

I don't need
your charity.

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES)

Float like
a butterfly.

Sting like a bee,
I always say.

Okay. No more
Mr. Nice Guy.

GRANDPA: Careful,
I only have one hip

and it's
in my other pants.

BOB: He's down.

It's all over, people.

Wait. Arnold's grandpa
hasn't fallen off.

He's still in the game,

unless his body touches
the gelatin dessert.

Wait. I'll check,
Mr. Simmons.

Go for my dad's ankles.

They're already loaded
down to the max.

What do you know?
He's still in the clear.

Whoopsie daisy!

What? Back for more, are you?

Go ahead.
Make my day.

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Hold it. Did I hear
a beeper go off?

(SPLASHES)

(TRIUMPHANT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Now, I've totaled up
the scores from both days,

the winners with
the highest combined score

are Phoebe, Reba
and Kyo Heyerdahl.

Hey, Phoebe!

Helga!

A little help? Come on.

(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)