[ Snoring]
[ Gasps]
[ Kids laughing]
[ Panting]
[ Laughing]
[ Slurping]
Didi:
tommy, come to mommy,
sweetheart
We're trying
to watch the show.
Emcee:
and that was our third finalist,
"pass the milk."
When we come back
We'll have the winner of
our $ , grand prize, so...
Don't go away.
[ Door buzzer sounds]
[ Sighs]
Angelica, mommy
and daddy are here.
One second, deed
The market in europe
is going crazy!
British beef is down,
soybeans are up
Dollar's weak in france.
Jonathan, sell the beef
and buy francs and beans.
Hi, deed. Thanks
for sitting.
Time to go, angel.
Mommy, can we stay
to see the winner?
Hmm?
Oh! And now the winner
of our grand prize is...
[ Drum roll]
"Baby mudslinger!
[ Laughs]
Whoo!
What a wacky kid!
Which reminds me, coming up
Is our "wackiest things
our children do" competition
With a grand prize of--
You guessed it-- $ , !
So keep those home movies
coming!
That's the winner?
It's not even funny.
[ Tommy squealing]
[ Laughing]
Now, that's funny.
In fact, half the things
tommy does
Are funnier than the stuff
on this show.
Everythingangelica
does is funnier.
Sure, it's easy for you.
She talks.
Even a monkey
Could catch funny video
Of a talker.
[ Laughing]
[ Slurping]
Don't eat it, tommy,
it's not food.
Pulling a prize-winning
moment out of an infant--
That takes a pro
A real artiste...
Moi.
Oh, here they go.
Can I see you
in the kitchen
for a moment?
Sure.
Come on, tommy,
do something.
Give me something funny.
Chase yourself,
the scratch thing, something!
Knock-knock.
[ Gasps]
I said,
"knock-knock!"
Let me
borrow that.
I think my princess
Might do something funny.
[ Laughs]
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you 'cause
You're the bestest daddy
In the whole widest world!
Oh, yeah.
That's funny.
[ Dog barking]
[ Tommy squeals]
Quick, give me
that camera.
No, wait, i...
[ Men grunting]
[ Tommy laughing]
It's mine!
[ Laughter fades]
Now you made me
miss it!
Stop yelling, ninnies!
Both [ yelling]:
we're not yelling!
Well, hello, boy!
[ Sighs]
Um, angelica
What's that thing
our daddies
are playing with?
That's a clamcorder.
Oh. Well, what's it for?
When you see it,
you, uh...
Clam up!
You don't do anything
Or make any noise, and, uh...
You get a quarter, see?
Clam-quarter.
Wow! A whole quarter!
Don't forget
stu's surprise
Birthday party
tomorrow.
It's at : .
Oh, yes!
Of course, : .
Give me just a minute.
Jonathan. Push back
tomorrow's meeting
With chasem, ketchum and sue.
Lawyers.
That's what I pay
youfor, jonathan.
Make it work.
Wouldn't miss it.
So glad you
can make it, charlotte
Because stu would be
so unhappy
If his brother wasn't here
on his special day.
I want you out!
Fine, I'll leave!
But I'll be back with
that $ , prize.
Only if you're hired
to deliver it to me!
Drew, if it helps,
you could use old bessie
Best darned moving picture
camera I ever had.
Better than any
video thingamabob.
No, thanks, pop.
I have equipment at home,
where we're going!
Charlotte!
Well, good luck!
You'll need it
Because when it comes
to capturing magic
These eyes miss nothing.
[ Laughing]
[ Zapping]
Thanks for
bringing over
The lamps, howard.
Lighting has always
been a hobby of mine
But what I really want to do
is direct.
Yeah, great.
And... Action!
[ Singing terribly off-key]:
♪ twinkle, twinkle
♪ Little star
♪ How I wonder...
Daddy! I can't see
The lights are in my eyes.
Okay, okay. Uh...
I'm sorry, angel.
Uh... Is this better?
[ Zooming]
Yes, perfect.
[ Thud and moan]
I'm ready for my close-up,
mr. Deville.
Stu [ whining]:
come on, tommy
Do something!
Anything!
Please?
Do it for daddy.
Dance with your teddy, please.
Spray the cheese at chuckie,
in his hair... Something!
Didi!
[ Shuts door]
Tommy, why aren't we
Playing with the toys
or the cheese?
It's the clam-quarter, chuckie.
Angelica says
if I don't do anything
Or make any noise
when it watches me
I get a quarter.
Well, it's not
watching now.
Oh...
[ Laughing]
So what will you do
with a whole quarter?
Well... I'm not going
to put it up my nose.
[ Laughing]
Oh!
You know, according
to lipschitz
Infants can be camera-shy.
So I came up with...
The ten-gallon hat cam!
I'll always have it
And nobody
will notice.
I'll take tommy
to the park
And try it out.
When you and drew
were little boys
I got plenty of good movies.
And I never ran around with
a hardware store on my head.
All it takes
is a little patience.
Sorry, pop, no time,
got to go.
Angelica [ singing off-key]:
♪ twinkle, twinkle
♪ Little star
♪ How I wonder what you are...
[ Bellows]:
cut!
From the top, daddy?
[ Groans softly]
Honey, we have to go
To uncle stu's
surprise party
So we only have time
for one more try.
And I need you to be--
How can I say this?--
Funny.
Honey, you've
seen the show.
Do what the other kids
do to be funny.
I saw the show
one time
And it was funny, and...
Great, just do
what that kid did.
Uh... Okay.
♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little...
[ Clang]
ow!
Huh?
Feed the ducks, tommy.
This should be good.
[ Giggling]
Didi was right.
The park is definitely funnier.
Whoa, hey! Whoa... Whoa!
[ Yells]
[ Splat]
[ Laughing, quacking]
Drew:
hey, bro!
[ Gulps]
How goes the video?
Uh... Great!
Hours of magic.
You?
Uh... Same.
Oh, yeah.
Hours and hoursof gold.
[ Humming]
Hi, angelica.
You know, I've been
Clammed up all day
And I still have
no quarter.
Huh?
Oh!
Yeah, uh, hmm...
Soon.
You have to wait
till... Soon.
Come on, angelica,
we have to go.
Nice hat.
Nice walk.
[ Angelica humming]
[ Crickets chirping]
[ General conversation]
Oh, you can get
schmutz for free
In your own backyard!
Didi:
sweetie, please take
off the skates inside?
Okay, aunt didi
Right after I do
the triple axle!
Right after
the triple.
Drew!
All right.
Take off your skates
for aunt didi
But do it funny.
[ Humming]
[ Car pulls up]
He's here!
Didi:
oh, dear!
[ Guests buzzing excitedly]
Shh, shh, shh!
What are all
the grown-ups doing?
Looks like they're playing
hide-and-go-peek.
Oh, boy! Let's play!
Good hiding place.
Yeah! And look...
Gum!
That's not gum.
[ Gasps] neat!
This is too scary.
I wonder where tommy is?
[ Creaking]
Hmm. I wonder where mommy is?
[ In unison]:
surprise!
Wow, deed, you really got me!
[ Yells]
This is priceless!
What a boob.
[ Yelling]
[ Loud crashing]
[ Didi gasps]
[ Both yelling]
[ Guests scream]
[ Bellows in terror]
[ Splat]
Woman:
oh, dear.
Hi, tommy,
what were you doing?
I've been doing nothing
a bazillion times
And I still got no quarter
And doing nothing is hard work!
[ Tinkling]
[ Gasps]
look!
The quarter!
[ All exclaiming]
You're in the burny.
Uh, stu...?
[ Both grunt]
[ Audience laughing]
And... The winner of
"The wacky things
our children do" competition
And the $ , is...
[ Drum roll]
[ Cymbals clash]
Lou pickles!
[ Audience oohs and ahs]oh!
[ Applause]
I'd like to thank my two boys...
[ Chuckles]
...without whom,
none of this would be possible.
[ All laughing]
[ Groans]
Well, it's not like our kids
did anything funny, anyway.
[ Laughing]
[ Giggling]
[ Giggling]
[ Laughing and cooing]
[ Babbling]
[ Gasps]
[ Gasps]
[ both scream at top of lungs]
[ Fanfares playing...]
Boy:
all right, mcnulty brothers
Let's go!
And one
And two
And nine
And seven.
Come on, you babies.
You call those
jumping jacks?
You make me sick.
Now, that kid knows
how to treat babies.
Come on, cynthia.
Let's go introduce ourselves.
My name's angelica.
I'm four...
Well, almost.
Timmy mcnulty,
four and a half.
All right, mcnultys,
drop and give me six, let's go!
Mm... An older toddler--
I like that.
I like the way
you handle your babies.
We're practicing
For the olympics.
So we can play against the
greatest athletes of the world.
And win some gold medals...
Like this one.
Hmm, that's nice.
So, you want to play?
Me and cynthia
were thinking
Of having
a tea party, and...
Boys don't have tea parties
And we definitely
don't play with dolls.
Fine, go ahead and play
your stupid 'lympics.
See if I care.
Come on, cynthia.
Dumb boy.
We don't need him, anyway.
Cynthia:
hmm...
Babies... Yes!
Hello, babies,
what ya doing?
Digging holes.
Want to dig with us?
Gee, thanks, tommy, um...
It's awful nice of you to ask
But me and cynthia
are going to play 'lympics.
See you later.
Three, five, two...
Wait, angelica!
We want to play 'lympics, too.
[ Quietly]:
yes!
[ In normal voice]:
hmm... Gee, tommy
I'd love to invite you to play
But the 'lympics is only
The most greatest game
in the world
Where athletes
from different countries
Like russia and france and ohio
Try to win the gold medal.
That sounds great, angelica.
We want to try
and win the gold medal.
We do?
I could train you
But it might take years,
even months, of hard work.
I don't have that much time,
angelica.
I have to take my afternoon nap.
Then we'll just
have to work fast.
You see those babies
over there?
Faster, babies, faster!
If you want to win
the gold medal
That's who
you have to b*at.
They don't look
like they're having
very much fun.
Who said anything about fun?
This is the 'lympics.
Now, do you want to win
the gold medal or not?
Sure we do!
Both:
yeah!
Okay, then start exercising.
Angelica:
and two, and three,
and four, and eight...
Come on,
you babies, keep up!
No, no, no!
Can't you babies
do anything right?
Feet apart, jump, clap.
Timmy:
well, well, well...
What have we got here?
Oh, hello, timmy.
Come to watch
me and my babies
Train for the 'lympics?
Is that what you call it?
Did you hear that, mcnultys?
They're training
for the 'lympics!
Yes, we're training
for the 'lympics.
All right, you babies,
drop and give me six.
Six what, angelica?
[ Laughing]
"Six what?"
Oh, that is good!
Angelica, maybe you
and your babies
Better stick
to dolls and tea parties.
You listen to me, timmy mcnulty.
My babies are just as good
as your babies.
And we could b*at you anytime.
[ Laughing]
Stop laughing,
you, you...
You boy, you.
Sorry, angelica,
but you got to admit
The idea of your babies b*ating
my babies is pretty funny.
Well, if you think
it's so funny
Then why don't you put your
mommy where your mouse is?
Huh?
Cute anddumb.
I'm talking about
a 'lympic contest
Between your babies
and mine.
You got to be kidding!
My babies would cream
your babies.
Besides, what would we get
if we win?
How about if my babies win,
I get your gold medal
And if your dumb babies win,
you get
My gold medal.
[ All gasp]
Angelica,
that's the gold medal
Your mommy gave you
for your birthday.
I have my reasons, tommy.
[ Romantic harp music
playing...]
[ Fanfare playing...]
So, let the games begin!
Okay, everybody...
The firstest event
is the spinning baby dash.
We'll spin
the merry-go-round
Till you babies get dizzy.
Then you race
to the dirt pile
Pick up a rock
And bring it back.
The first baby to return
with their rock is the winner.
Okay, babies, start spinning!
Both:
whoa... Whoa!
[ Both groaning]
[ Other children yelling...]
[ Panting...]
[ Cheering and yelling]
[ Groans]
So, timmy,
what do you think
Of me and my babies now?
Dumb luck.
Wait till the next race.
Way to go, tommy.
You won.
[ Dazed]:
uh... I did?
Hey, that doesn't look
like a rock.
[ Gasps]
Hey, it's a dirt clod.
Ha! A dirt clod?
Your dumb baby couldn't even
find a rock in a dirt pile.
You lose.
Oh, tommy...!
All right, babies, this
next event is the water ballet.
[ "The blue danube" waltz
playing...]
[ Gasps]
[ Both giggling]
[ Fanfare playing]
[ "La cumparcita" tango
playing...]
[ Gasps]
[ Giggles]
[ Fanfare playing]
Yeah! All right!
[ Groans]
Angelica:
okay, everybody.
After two contests,
the 'lympics are tied.
The winner of this event
takes home the gold medal.
And since you picked
the last event
It's my turn to pick this one.
And I say it will be
a relay race
And you've got to use
all your babies.
[ Gasps]
Tommy, I don't want to play
'lympics no more.
I'll lose and then
it will be all my fault
That we don't get
the gold medal.
You have to play, chuckie.
The whole team
is counting on you.
Whatever happened
to the days
When a kid could enjoy
the simple pleasures
Of digging
a hole in the sand?
Okay, babies, this isn't
just a game anymore.
Oh, no,
it's a whole bunch of games.
And these games...
[ Sighs]
What, chuckie?
I have to go potty.
You can't go potty
till after the race!
[ Fanfare playing...]
Angelica:
on your marks!
Get set!
Both:
go!
[ Twins giggling]
Angelica:
we're gonna win
The 'lympics!
I know you can do it!
Hey, give me some of that,
lillian.
Get your own, phillip!
No, I saw it first, lillian.
No, I did!
I did!
I did!
Looks like your babies
Found something
better to do.
Hey...!
What do you think
you're doing?
Hey, look what just
fell out of the sky.
It's cherry.
I don't care what flavor it is.
Get going!
You're losing the race.
[ Children yelling...]
[ Both yelling]
Let's go find that popsicle.
Good idea!
Hmm...
Go, go, go...
Psst! Hey, kid!
Over here.
Dead lizard!
Teddy, yeah, let's go!
Hey, what the...?
[ Gasps]
Hello, timmy.
Hey, I didn't find
any dead lizard.
Dead lizard?
Teddy, you get your little
baby butt back in the race.
Angelica, you were cheating.
I'm cheating?
What about you,
popsicle boy?
Okay... From now on,
nobody cheats.
Both:
fine.
[ Children yelling
and cheering]
Angelica:
go, go! Faster, faster!
Come on, teddy!come on, tommy!
Angelica, I really
have to go potty.
I told you, chuckie,
after the race.
It's up to you
to win the gold medal.
Yeah, chuckie, it's up to you
to win the gold medal...
For me.
[ Laughing]
[ Gasps]
[ Yelling]
[ Both yelling]
[ Other children cheering]
Angelica...
Chuckie,
winning this gold medal
Means more to me
than anything in the world.
But, angelica, I really,
really have to go...
I know, potty, but you can't go
till you win the race.
The faster you run,
the sooner you get to go.
[ Groans]
[ Panting]
[ Yelling]
[ Panting...]
All right!
We win the 'lympics!
I win! I win!
I get the gold medal!
Hooray for me!
What do you think about
me and my babies now?
I got to hand it
to you, angelica
You b*at us fair and square.
I just hope that someday
I get to wear the gold medal.
Ah... It could happen.
[ Fanfare playing...]
[ Grunting...]
Teddy:
hey, I didn't find
any dead lizard.
04x05 - America's Wackiest Home Movies/The 'Lympics"
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