01x07 - River Rats

[bunniefuu]

[ laughing]

BETTY:
Bring it on.

Bring it.

Come on.

[ boys groaning]

Whoa...

[ bubbling]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ laughing]

[ gasping]

[ coughing]

You okay, Tommy Boy?

Yeah, uh... sure.

C-course I am.

Well, you're looking
a little pruned.

PHIL:
Yes!

Ah... oh, jeez.

Phil, are you still
playing that game?

Even a train stops
once in a while.

Uh, I was just, uh...
testing these new batteries.

Rest easy--

they're in excellent
working order.

Nice try.

Now, put it down
and get in the pool!

We need another chicken
to play Chicken.

[ squawking]

Yeah, thanks for the invite,

but, uh,
I'm staying on land.

Pools are
sort of lame.

The water just sits there.

[ tires screeching]

So, you want water
that moves, huh?

I know just the ticket.

We're going
to the great outdoors.

[ tires screeching on game]

"Why?" you ask?

White-water rafting.

[ cars crashing on game]

That... sounds... awesome!

To'! Have fun.

Nah, I mean you guys, too.

Phil should have
his buds along,
right?

Wow!

Um, but isn't
the great outdoors

where, you know, spiders,
snakes, bears, beavers,

vultures and their buds
hang out?

And about
this white water...

Calm down,
Chuckster.

Being in the woods
is great.

And rafting's
wall-to-wall fun.

Yep...

I used to be a guide.

Trust me,

it's no more dangerous than...

Cannonball!

Being in a pool.

[ laughing]

You know guys,
now that I read my book,

Getting in Touch
with Your Inner Raftsman,

I'm kind of psyched.

That a way, Chuckie,

nothing to be scared of.

Right, Phil?

Nothing but "Rapids-Rama."

[ laughing]

[ coughing]

Whoa!

It's dusty as Dallas
around here.

My, look at
all this stuff.

Ooh!

Hooks, line and sinkers.

[ coughing]

Oh...

You know, I used to be
quite good at camping.

Oh!

[ screams]

[ screams]

Ow! Ow, ow, ow...

[ screams]

[ moaning]

Oh, I'm so sorry,
Howard.

Quite a show, Howie.

You okay?

In a word, my foot hurts,
my head aches,

and I can't get up.

Do I have to go?

Oh... nah,
you stay home,

hold down the fort.

We'll do fine,
right, boys?

Don't sweat it, Dad.

We're cool.

Yeah, how hard can nature be?

[ clears throat]

You know, Betty,

the three-to-one
parent-to-child ratio

could be a lot
to handle.

I'm, uh, well,
not adverse

to accompanying all of you
into the wilds.

It may help to have a man along.

Good idea.

So, who you bringing?

[ laughs]

Ah, just kidding,
Chasy.

You're no Howie,

but glad
to have you aboard.

Yay, my dad's going!

So, here's our crew.

Get ready
to rock and rapid!

Wow!

Won't it be fun, guys?

Aah!

Oh!

Let's go, go, go.

Tommy, we need more wood.

Chuckie, chop-chop
with the tent.

Phil,

here are some ropes.

[ wheezing]

BETTY:
Philly, you're
the knot captain.

Read the manual.

Learn the box knot, the slip
and the cowboy.

Got it.

Cowboy slips in a box.

[ air exhaling]

[ wheezing]

Thanks.

Okay.

So I see it's
all set up and ready.

For what,
exactly?

Hey, don't you worry.

I'm going to do it.

I'm just getting the hang
of this biz called nature,

and it's nothing
I can't handle.

Glad to hear it.

Now, you're probably
going to hear

some new sounds.

[ belching]

Ah.

Like that.

Uh... exotic
gross-face
disgusto bird.

Yeah, right.

No, I mean it, Tommy.

Conquering nature's
been on my to-do list.

So no matter

how dangerous, icky
or pollen-filled things get,

I've decided to remain
calm, cool and collected.

Solid.

It also helps
that you're here.

Especially when
we get on that river.

Yeah.

Uh...

Hey, you better get
working on that tent.

Aye-aye, captain.

PHIL:
Tommy... does this
look right?

I think... "knot."

[ laughs]

Good one.

CHUCKIE:
Uh-oh.

Uh, guys?

I think I just zipped my jacket
to the door.

Little help?

Shh!

[ laughs]

Uh, guys?

Uh-oh.

I'll help you,
Chuckie.

[ zipper unzipping]

Agh!

Ooh!

[ sighs]

A perfect marshmallow.

A perfect fire.

A perfect night.

Whoa!

[ crunching]

[ gulps]

Ah.

Well, the rafting
should be
a piece of cake.

Hey, anybody got
a good ghost story?

I got one...

[ gulps]

that I saw on this TV show,

The World's
Most Mysterious
Mysteries.

Yeah.

It was this legend
about people who go rafting

but completely disappear.

And later on, only
their empty raft is found.

Now their ghosts
haunt the woods.

[ howls eerily]

Freaky.

That sounds like
a bunch of hooey.

You think so?

Total tall-taleage,
Chucko.

CHAS:I agree.

There's nothing
to be scared of out here.

[ owl hooting]

[ screams]

[ sighs]

Okay, campers--
and Chas--

it's shut-eye time.

Early wake-up tomorrow.

BOYS:
Oh...

Uh, Betty?

I don't suppose this is
a campsite with a restroom.

Sure.

You even got a choice:

the oak or the pine.

[ all laughing]

Good one!

Anyone else need to use...
a tree?

[ crickets chirping]

[ trees rustling, creaking]

Chuckie,
you don't believe

that stupid
empty-raft legend,
do you?

Me?

Believe that
made-up junk?

Remember,
I'm cool, calm and...

What was that?!

A tree, Mr. Cool Calm.

Oh.

Anyway...

What could happen?

Besides, you and me
have been on adventures

just about
all our lives.

I always end up okay
when you're there.

Yeah.

But, uh, we can bail
if you want.

I mean,
if you're scared.

Nope.

It's actually
kind of exciting

in a not-knowing-if-
you're-going-to-live-to-
see-another-day kind of way.

Just don't leave
the tent, okay?

Okay.

We should hit it.

Hit what? What?

Uh, the sack?

Oh. Yeah.

[ yawns]

Tomorrow's going to be great
on that river.

Thanks, T.

For what?

[ crickets chirping]

[ birds singing]

BETTY:
Rise and shine, boys!

The raft's waiting,
the river's here,

so get your lazy butts
in gear.

BOYS:
Yeah!

Remember:
dip, pull, then repeat.

Plant your feet
and keep your seat.

Okay, here's
the plan:

We paddle down the river through
the easy level-one waters,

maybe hit
some level threes.

Then at
dinnertime,

we'll meet up
with the truck

that'll take us
back here.

Now, let's see.

Lifejackets on?

Check.

Tents put away,
breakfast cleaned up?

Check and check.

Supply bags tied
to the inside of the raft?

Done.

Right, Phil?

Absolutely,
General Mama!

[ hawks calling]

That river's really big.

Sure is.

And we're about to be
a part of it!

Okay, into the raft!

It's time to shove off,
sports fans.

Come on in,
Tommy,

we're waiting.

[ screams echoing]

[ gasps]

Come on, Tommy,
what's the problem?

There's no problem!

Are you sure
you're okay?

Yeah, I'm sure.

And stop looking at me
like that.

BETTY:
Okay, fellows,

we need your paddling.

And this is
level-one water.

Enjoy it.

Dip, pull,
then repeat!

Plant your feet
and keep your seat!

Dip, pull,
eat red meat.

Plant some corn
and peas and wheat.

[ laughs]

BETTY:
Yo, Chasy,

as paddle captain,
tell me if you see

any laterals,
low waters or eddies.

Laterals? Eddies?

Uh, no, I don't see any yet.

I knew an Eddie once.

Nice fellow.

Had a monobrow.

[ gasps]

[ gasps]

[ hoots]

Now we're rocking and rolling.

Yeah!

Tommy, grab it!

[ grunts]

[ screams]

[ grunts]

[ grunts, then yelps]

Dad!

Help!

Oh, boy, we got a dunker.

Betty, Tommy!

Do something!

I... help!

[ gurgling]

Dad! Oh...

[ gurgling]

Hold the fort, boys.

I'm going in.

Everything's okay,
Chuckie.

Paddle--
we got to paddle!

Aw, jeez!

Hey, check!

Push your paddles forward!

BETTY:
Try to stop the raft!

You're headed
for level four!

CHAS:
Chuckie!

Level four!

[ screaming]

[ screams]

Look out-- a rock!

Left! Paddle
on the left side!

Branches! Duck!

[ screaming]

Tommy!

[ laughing]

[ babbling]:
A fish.

Going to get me a fish,
a big fish.

I'm going to get you.

[ laughing]

[ coughing]

Help!

Tommy!

Grab my hand, scout.

Tommy! Tommy!

Tommy! Tommy!

I got you.
I got you.

[ coughs]

Thanks, guys.

Are you okay?

More rocks!

Watch out!

[ boys screaming]

More branches! Grab them!

[ all scream]

[ gasps]

Sorry, guys.

Guess I should've
learned my knots
better.

You think?!

Oh...

This is really bad.

We're lost, we're soaked.

I wish I knew where my dad was.

And my mom.

Tommy, back there,
what happened?

[ birds squawk, boys yelp]

Okay, guys,

we have to try
and think positive.

I mean, if anyone can
survive in this place,

it's your mom, Phil.

Remember that time
she pulled the school bus

out of that
huge mud ditch
by herself?

And with a cast
on her arm.

She never dropped
that pizza.

[ all chuckle]

I think we'll be fine.

No one's hurt.

We have the raft...

[ bird squawks]

[ branches creak]

And... we're
in this together.

[ quavers]

BOYS [ voices echoing]:
Hello!

[ voice echoing]:
Dad!

[ voice echoing]:
Betty!

Do I sound
like I have a cold?

Just since
the day we met.

Really?

Huh.

[ voice echoing]:
Dad!

[ screams; voice echoes]:
Dad!

We got to get
out of here.

And go where?

My book said when you're lost,
you're supposed to stay put!

I think.

Sitting here's not
going to help anything.

We have
to find my mom.

Phil, we can't run.

We have
to conserve energy.

Maybe we should
take the raft.

No!

We'll walk.

We have to stay
near the river.

I am sure
about that!

Near it
but not in it.

Tommy, is
something wrong?

Uh... other than the
we-could-die-from-too-
many-ways-to-list factor?

No, Chuckie, and
I wish you'd stop...

No, youstop.

Every time I ask you,
you do that.

You've been
acting funny

since we got here.

We never had secrets before,

and now sure seems
like a weird time to start.

We did have
a secret, Chuckie.

I'm really scared...

of the water.

Well, sure.

I mean, that wasn't
just any old water.

Doesn't matter.

I'm scared
of water, okay?

Ever since I was little.

What?

But we've been
to the beach.

Scared.

And the pool.

Scared.

But I've seen you
in water lots of...

In, not under.

I swear, Chuckie,

back there I thought
I'd never come up.

I've been freaked
about this trip

from the beginning.

But... why didn't
you tell me?

Oh, I'm supposed
to just say,

"Hi, I'm ten years old
and I'm scared of water"?

It's not exactly something
you want people to know.

People?

Since when am I
a people?

And who cares
if you're scared of something?

I don't.

Yes, you do.

I'm not supposed
to be the scared one.

You even said
when I'm around,

things are supposed
to be okay.

So if you knew
I was scared,

then you'd really
be a wreck--

more than usual.

That's dumb.

Huh?

Worrying about me

instead of spilling
the beans.

Being scared is something
you couldn't tell me?

Me? Hello?

Tommy the best friend.

Everybody's scared
of something.

You're still Tommy,

and I'll still
feel safer

when you're around.

Okay, maybe
not boogie boarding.

[ laughs]

Thanks, C.

For what?

Come on, guys,
catch up!

All we have to do is
follow the river down

and we'll meet up with the boys
in no time.

Oh, I hope
you're right.

Uh, Betty, is
this really necessary?

Yep. You were
slowing me down.

[ panting]

Look!

Smoke means fire.

Fire means people.

Maybe it's Dad
and Betty!

Choice number one.

Number two would be

the Middle of Nowhere Restaurant
on free food day.

Either way, let's go.

I bet they're
waiting for us

with food, warm clothes.

Burgers, fries, milk shake.

PHIL [ chanting]:
Keep them coming,
Big Fat Jake,

I need the real
things, not no fakes.

Burger, fries,
milk shake...

Whoa!

[ screams]

[ gasping]

[ coughing]

Help!

We've got to go down
there and get him.

Oh, I forgot.

Hang on, Phil!

I'll go, Tommy.

Help!

PHIL:
Hurry!

Help me!

Oh, man.

Hold on, Phil.

But, Tommy!

[ yelping]

You can do it,
Tommy.

[ screaming]

Tommy!

Help, Tommy, help!

Jump, Tommy--
get Phil!

Mom!

Hang on, Philly!

Get him, Tommy.

[ shouts]

[ gasps]

[ Phil screaming]

[ grunting]

[ panting]:
Oh, man. Oh, man.

Are you okay?

I guess.

[ panting]

Let's get out of here.

[ grunting]

Grab onto me, Phil!

My hat!

Wait, my hat!

Are you crazy?

All right, there we go.

There we go, oh!

Are you okay
there, Philly?

[ Chas screams]

Whoa!

Ooh!

[ chuckles]

Close one.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, T.

You got it, Phil.

I'd say it was nothing,
but, man, I'd be lying.

Whoa, talk about
your adventure.

Wait till I tell Howie.

[ chuckles]

On second thought, better not.

He once got queasy
washing his face.

[ hawk screeches]

Ooh.

PHIL:
My hat!

[ hawk screeches]

CHAS:
I knew an Eddie once.

Had a monobrow.