03x04 - Call Me Donor Four-Five-Seven

[bunniefuu]

All right. Thank you all for coming.

I've got a big announcement.

You getting a haircut?

You really think she asked
all of us here at : a.m.

to tell us that she's getting a haircut?

That's what I would do.

I know what it is.
She's finally coming out.

- Everyone pay me.
- Mother, I'm not gay.

We would support any
choice you make, dear.

Except for bangs.

She's definitely not gay.
My gaydar never fails.

Except with Anderson Cooper.

How did I miss that?

Anyway, thank you all for being here.

You're basically my family,

even you, Mother.

So, here's my big news.

I'm gonna have a baby!

- What?
- How?

- When?
- Why?

I'd like to circle back. What?

Uh, the correct response is,

"Yay, Kat. We're so happy for you."

Darling, that's so wonderful.

Oh, sweetheart, what incredible news.

It also explains why you're
wearing that maternity outfit.

I'm not pregnant yet, but I'm gonna be.

Hmm. So, who's the lucky guy?

Well, I know it's not Anderson Cooper.

Are you thinking immaculate conception?

Probably more likely than you
catching a man in those glasses.

I'm gonna do it with a donor.

Well, not "do it."

I believe the medical
term is "get juiced up by."

Well, are you sure you're
ready to be a single parent?

'Cause Carter makes it look very hard.

Truth.

Look, I know you had fun with my nephew,

but that was only eight hours.

Do you know how many eight
hours there are in a lifetime?

We know you know, sweetheart.

I searched for my life's
purpose all over the world.

And then I held that little baby, and...

Did your ovaries tingle?

Like Pop Rocks. (IMITATES POPPING)

That could be an infection.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Ooh. This guy could be your baby daddy.

Yeah, don't say that.

Let's see. Six-two, green
eyes. Ooh, he's a doctor.

Oh. A Doctor Strange impersonator.

No, thank you.

Girl, he is five-ten at best.

This is just like Tinder.

- Subtract inches but add pounds.
- (CHUCKLES)

It's true.

I'm six-three on Grindr.

Well, aren't guys disappointed
when they meet you?

Not once I open my mouth.

Well, you are very charming.

Yes, that's what I mean.

(SINGSONGY): Ooh! This guy's on sale.

Oh, I see why, 'cause he's dead.

Well, hang on, I do love a bargain.

Okay, your eggs are
already on their way out.

You need fresh sausage.

It's really tough to make this
decision based on one form.

Yeah. Yeah, like, like, who cares

that this guy was in Thunder Down Under?

Wait, hold on.

I'm gonna make my own "yes" pile.

My child's whole future depends on this.

It's too much pressure.

Katharine, just let me choose.

Everyone knows you have terrible taste,

just look at your...

life.

Randi, you don't talk to
your mother. What's that like?

You know, I feel like
I need more information.

If I buy the premium package,
I-I get, I get baby pictures,

medical history, and a personal essay.

I think that'll help me feel
more connected to my donor.

You know, put the "us" in "uterus."

You know these puns are why
you have to pay for sperm.

(QUIET CHATTER)

(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)

Man, I don't get it.

How can this place have twice as
many customers as the Middle C?

I mean, it's a stupid board game bar.

Yeah, your piano bar is so much cooler.

Says the man who asked me how
he looked with frosted tips.

All right. Competition checked out.

Now let's go back to your
bar and drink for free.

Wait, hold on, hold on, I'm sorry.

You don't drink for
free. You have a tab.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

(LAUGHS) You do.

Fine. We'll drink here.

Let's just... Oh, dang it.

I forgot my wallet.

Just look at 'em all.

Playing games like a
bunch of -year-olds.

So sad.

Ooh! They got Hungry Hungry Hippos.

- Dibs on blue!
- Dibs on blue! Damn it.

Hold up.

Is homegirl wearing elf ears?

MAX: Shh! Don't stare.
It could be a condition.

And we're really not supposed
to make fun of anything anymore.

Welcome to Corks and Orcs.
Can I get you guys anything?

Grog, mead, chicken fingers?

Two beers. On him.

Also, uh, why are there elves here?

Excuse me?

Oh, I'm sorry, Elven-Americans.

It's D&D night.

Dungeons & Dragons?

Ah, see? Your friend gets
it, he's wearing the ears.

What?

There's another game
starting in minutes

if you guys want in.

I'll be Dungeon Master, so...

you guys are in for a
pretty crazy hours.

D&D? I think I'll pass, you
know, 'cause I've had sex.

(CHUCKLES) Me, too. A lot.

I'm talking double digits.

- What?
- (CHUCKLES)

So, you think you're better than us?

- Sorry, not at all.
- Yeah, just cooler.

Now, please, bring our beers over

to the Hungry Hungry Hippos table.

I'm deciding what my
grandchild should call me.

What do you guys think of "Glam-ma?"

"Glam-ma?"

A grandma sits on a porch,

plays Parcheesi, and crochets.

A glam-ma drinks
champagne, does Pilates,

and once smoked reefer
naked with Sammy Davis Jr.

I found him, I found him!

I found the father of my child!

Does anyone else hear
a chorus of angels?

(VOCALIZES)

Wait, were you doing that upstairs?

I thought you were just taking
one of your special showers.

Rejoice in the miracle
that is donor .

- Let Glam-ma hold him.
- (CHUCKLES)

He's perfect.

He's an architect, he
studied at Georgetown.

He speaks four languages.

He's a former United
States Scrabble Champion.

He once got a triple-word score
with "xylophone." How sexy is that?

What does he look like?

Phil, don't be so shallow.

He's six feet tall. He's got blue
eyes. He's a snack and a dessert.

Oh, he was a swimmer in college.

Ooh, big swimmers make
the best little swimmers,

if you know what I mean.

I don't.

Your subtle sperm joke
sh*t right over my head.

Get this, his personal essay

starts with a Gandhi quote
and ends with a Weezer lyric.

"You must be the change you
wish to see in the world."

"The redhead said you shred
the cello, and I am Jell-O."

Damn, girl, it sounds
like you're in love.

No. Just with his DNA.

And his soul.

And don't forget his swimmer's
body like our Lord Jesus.

Amen!

I always dreamed my daughter would get

knocked up by a doctor.

Note to self, be more
specific in your prayers.

Mother, why did you come if
you're just gonna be yourself?

I'm gonna be here for
every step of this process.

I have excellent advice
regarding chapped nipples.

You bottle-fed me.

I know, but those six months in Ibiza

really did a number on the girls.

Yeah, let's not mention that ever again.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

- I've been elbow-deep in it today.
- (CHUCKLES)

Gynecologist humor?

You get me.

So, good news.

You and donor are
a perfect genetic match.

(GASPS) Do you hear that, ladies?

(IMITATES POPPING)

(LAUGHS): Sorry, I'm
just really excited!

Hold on.

Looks like the clinic
has run out of his...

let's say "batter."

Uh, what do you mean?
How could they be out?

The men I've known are never out.

Well, let's get my guy down here.

You get the cup ready,
I'll go on a p*rn run.

Unfortunately, he just turned .

So? I'm sure he's still making it.

Wait, is he a hoarder?

After , there's a higher
risk of complications,

so he can no longer donate.

Well, they've got to have some more

just lying around somewhere.

Tell 'em, "Look in the
back of the freezer,"

behind the old meat

and the ice cubes
that smell like garlic.

I'm sorry.

Are you?

Or are you just saving the last drop

of donor for yourself?!

You can see why I didn't want
her anywhere near my nipples.

You doing okay?

I just feel empty.

My heart, my womb.

Well, don't give up.

There's plenty of fish in the sea...

men.

(SCOFFS)

(CHUCKLES): I'm so naughty,
but it was just right there.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, I'm gonna you need to stop
hugging donor 's profile.

(SIGHS) I'm just not ready to give up.

He is so much more than
a sperm Popsicle to me.

Got you a whiskey.

I don't think there's
a cocktail that says,

"Sorry you lost your anonymous
artificial insemination partner."

But there is a Hallmark card.

They have gotten so specific these days.

(MAX LAUGHS)

There should be a special bar for ladies

to meet guys who just
want to donate sperm.

There is. It's called any bar.

What did you do to your arm?

Oh. Hurt it in the game last night.

But, uh, I played through.

That game was Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I still schooled his ass, though.

Wasn't an official win.

I knocked the game off the table

before you chomped the last marble.

We used to play that game,

but we played it with
possums and our toes.

That's why my cousin
Levon can only count to .

Maybe I should get some
board games in here.

But cool ones, where the kids
are on the box like, "Whoa!"

And then there's always
that kid who broke the ice.

As long as it's not like that game

those nerds were playing last night.

I don't know. D&D looked
pretty fun last night.

D&D, is that like S and M?

Same weapons, different uses.

Good morning. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, but you're five minutes early.

Really? Then I got ten
minutes to take a nap.

KAT: I found him!

I found him! I found him!

Who? D.B. Cooper, Jimmy Hoffa, Waldo?

Better. Donor .

His name is Brian Anderson.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY): He will be mine.

Aw, you think this has a
happy ending, don't you?

Finding him wasn't that hard.

You just start with what
you know: , architect,

Georgetown, swim team.

The Internet has photos of the
swim team from to .

I found all the guys his height
with blue eyes, got names.

Well, if you count
the guy wearing goggles,

because we can't rule him out.

I took all those names,

cross-referenced them with the database

from the American
Institute of Architects.

I did have to register,
but let me tell you,

best , bucks I've ever spent.

You watch, she's gonna put
him in a pit in her basement.

Only one hit in the greater
Louisville area, Brian Anderson.

Couple hours on
Instagram, and I found him.

I mean, I'm good.

Pretty sure I could've found
Bin Laden in an afternoon.

So what, you're gonna slide into his DMs

and ask him for his sperm?

No, Randi, that would be crazy.

I bet she's already dug the pit.

I learned two things from Instagram.

One, our kid is gonna
be... (SINGSONGY): hot.

Two, Brian teaches
kickboxing once a week.

I signed us both up, and after the class

I'm gonna ask for his seed
in person like a lady do.

Oh, Kat, you're gonna
end up on the news again.

Please do your hair
and makeup this time.

♪ ♪

All right, I don't see Brian yet.

I'm assuming he's got
some sort of walk-in song.

I'm guessing "Eye of the Tiger."

Hey, crazy idea,

how about we just
take a kickboxing class

and not ask anyone for
their sausage gravy?

That reminds me, I've the cup in my bag.

It's actually just an old jelly jar,

but I washed it out real good.

Oh, oh! There he is!

♪ It's the eye of the tiger,
it's the thrill of the fight ♪

♪ Something, something,
something, something ♪

♪ Of our rivals ♪

Can you do the guitar part?

It goes... (IMITATES GUITAR RIFF)

No, I can't, 'cause I'm Black.

Okay, this is gonna be easy.

All I have to do is
charm him, earn his trust

and secure his semen...
charm, trust, semen.

Welcome, everyone.

Who's here for the first time tonight?

Uh, we are! Kickboxing virgins.

We're not the other kind of virgins.

I have kickboxed before,
so I am no kind of virgin.

Uh, damn you!

Oh, he's coming over.
Okay, how do I look?

Uh, like you should've
worn a sports bra.

- Hey, I'm Brian.
- Hello, Brian!

My name is Kat, this is
my very good friend...

Brenda! Brenda is my name.

And I don't know her, we just met.

(CHUCKLES): So I am not legally
responsible for anything that she does.

Okay, you guys are, uh...

- let's call it "fun."
- (LAUGHTER)

Anyway, enjoy your first class.

And don't worry, I'll be gentle.

Oh, I don't mind if
you're a little rough.

I like it rough. (GROWLS)

Okay, now, which part was that?

The charm, the trust or the semen?

Ooh... Ooh, I like the vibe in here.

It's like my cousin Stewie's basement.

Kissed my first girl there, and my last.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, man, I want
to hear all those stories.

Let me buy you a... Ah, dang it.

Did I forget my wallet again?

More men in here than in a gay bar.

And if this is you coming out to me,

you should know that I
am not a beginner's ride.

I will keep that in mind.

So, do you play this Dungeons game?

I did when I was a kid.

Yeah, it was, uh, it was
a good way to make friends

when I was and thought
it was cool to wear a cape.

(CHUCKLING): A cape?

- Are you sure you're not coming out to me?
- (LAUGHS)

You guys need drinks? Oh.

It's Hungry Hippo guy.

- We're still picking up marbles.
- (CHUCKLES)

Sorry about that.

Uh, two IPAs.

Oh, hey, any of these D&D games open?

Uh, yeah, table six just started.

You can probably jump in.

If you find the Book of Thoth,

you get a free pitcher
of Arnold Palmers.

(PLAYERS CHEERING)

Eat my chromatic orb!

- Ooyah!
- (CHEERING, WHOOPING)

What the hell is he doing here?

This is like the time my boyfriend
caught me in a sports bar.

(GROANS)

He's a hungry hungry hypocrite.

- Let's go.
- But don't you want to call him out?

Slap him a little? I was
promised entertainment.

Not here.

I respect the game too much.

Well, let me take you
to my favorite bar.

We play games there, too.

Oh, and you can wear your cape.

Just look at him.

Between his g*ns and my quads,

our baby's gonna be a
hunter and a gatherer.

Kat, pay attention.

Oh. (SCOFFS) I am.

Hey!

I'm soon to be with child!

Ooh! Nice kick.

Hard to believe you're a virgin.

Ooh, kickboxing virgin.
You guys said it.

She said it. Again, I don't know her.

Um, did you... did you see my kicks?

They were, uh, kick-tastic. (CHUCKLES)

Kick-tacular. I was
kicking it old-school.

- Yeah, great. Could you back up a little?
- Yeah.

Of course.

All right. Give me a groin kick.

- Put some snap on it.
- Okay.

My future baby's in that groin,

and he's not even wearing a cup.

What, you don't think I looked?

(SLOW-MOTION): No...

(RANDI SCREAMS)

Takedown! (CHUCKLES)

Silver for the gold.

My last name is Silver. (CHUCKLES)

Are you okay?

Yeah, just thinking
about all my life choices

that have led me to this moment.

Well, why don't you take a little break?

There's some water by the front.

- Oh, uh, can you bring me some?
- Hell no.

Guess we're alone.

Except for the other
people here, yeah.

All right, let's see
some roundhouse kicks.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Harder.

As you wish, sensei.

I like your shorts.

Do they keep you cool?

You, uh, don't want the
basement to get overheated.

Where'd you get 'em?

Goodwill.

Ooh, thrifty.

It's a good trait. Might
be genetic, might not.

Was your father thrifty?

I don't really know. He
d*ed when I was young.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

Was it something hereditary?

- Bus accident.
- Whew! (LAUGHS)

You're probably wondering

why I'm asking all these questions.

I'm wondering a lot of things about you.

All right, I'll just
come right out and say it.

You're donor from
the Kentucky Foundation

for Reproductive Services, right?

What?

It's supposed to be anonymous.

Aha! Confirmed!

Randi, it's him!

Cue the chorus of the
angels! (VOCALIZES)

- Kat, let's... let's go.
- No, no, no. Look, Brian, Brian.

All I need is one last
hurrah in a jelly jar.

And I don't have any p*rn
on me, but think about

that Sandals vacation you took with
your hot girlfriend two years ago.

Sandals?

How do you know... You know
what? You need to leave.

Oh, oh, I see,

so it's like sperm-a-palooza
for everyone else,

but when I need it, your well's run dry?

I said get out.

- Yeah, time to go.
- You listen to me, Brian.

If you won't give me your seed
of life, I'm gonna take it.

No, Kat!

Okay. New plan. Fill this
up. I'll be back later.

What?

I appreciate you waiting with me, Phil,

but when Carter gets back,
things could get ugly.

Why do you think I'm waiting?

I can't believe he would
lie to me like this.

Are you so mad you want
to take your shirt off?

- What?
- What?

Well, look who it is.

How was your night?

And before you answer,

know that I have cast a
third-level Zone of Truth spell.

Oh. Well, joke's on you,

'cause I'm wearing a
plus-two Cloak of Deception.

- And it fits you well.
- Mm-hmm.

This is not as sexy
as I thought it'd be.

I don't get it. Why didn't
you just admit you like D&D?

If it's okay to like it,
why didn't you say something?

Because you made fun of it,

and I didn't want you to make fun of me.

Being straight is so complicated.

Look, where I grew up, if you admit

you're into something like
that, you get your ass kicked.

Yeah, kids can be mean.

So can my mom.

Carter, Max, listen.

As boys, we're taught you
can't be real with each other,

but it's okay to be vulnerable.

Take the "mask" out of "masculine."

Damn, Phil.

You're half our size but twice the man.

I'm working on a book.

(CHUCKLES)

Sorry I wasn't real with you.

I should've known you were a giant nerd.

- Dude.
- 'Cause it takes one to know one.

Dude...

Oh, that sandwich needs
some peanut butter.

Okay, I don't know
why this is happening,

but I need to be a part of it.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Randi, get in here.

Uh-uh. If I don't do group texts,

I definitely don't do group hugs.

(LAUGHTER)

How did it go? Did you get your donor?

No.

I got banned from the sperm
bank and the kickboxing gym.

- And the Froyo place across the street.
- (SIGHS)

There was a cute guy there,
I threw up a Hail Mary.

All right, Princess
Katharine of House Feline,

you've reached a door, what do you do?

- I open it.
- It's locked.

- I knock.
- Nothing happens.

- I search for a key.
- You don't have one.

Oh, my gosh, this is so much fun!

I have the magical key of Mylor.

- Should I use it?
- What? No!

How the hell do you
think we're gonna get into

the Tomb of Gary the Terrible?

- Get your damn head in the game.
- (GROANS)

Then what do we do?

Let's hit the door with
a double fireball spell.

Genius!

So, you just never
want to have sex again?

I'm gonna go hit my glass
with a double martini spell.

So, the castle burns to the ground.

You hear the screams of the orphans

- you were trying to save.
- (GROANS)

Where's my dragons at, b*tches?

Phil, I told you this
wasn't a dress-up game.

Yeah, well, this is not
my last stop of the night.

(LAUGHS)

Let's take a five.

So, Zac, what's your story?

Taught machine-learning
and robotics at Stanford.

Intelligent.

Then quit to open a game bar.

- Adventurous. Any major health problems?
- None.

- You've got pretty curly hair, you Jewish?
- I am.

If I gave you a bucks

and this goblet, do you
think you could fill it

with your elixir of reproduction?

I'm not for sale.

Fair enough.

Give me the goblet.