03x09 - Wouldn't It Be Nice?

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ class bell ringing]

Thank you, Mrs. Pearson,
I'll be sure to tell my parents.

[ joyfully]:
Yay! Whoopee! Yow!

All right!

Yes!

Oh...

[ clears throat]

[ cheering and laughing]:
Yow! Yow! Yow! All right!

ANGELICA:
It's all about having
your own identity.

That's why I have to have
a navel piercing

exactly like Emica's.

Piercing?

I fainted when
my mother got contacts.

What's up
with this "Living
Skills" seminar?

No books, no test--
what's the catch?

I heard they pair everybody up
in fake marriages.

If we end up together, Angelica,

I'm going to have
to put my foot down

about that
belly button ring.

Unless you really want it.

Guys, guys, did you
hear, did you hear?

I know, Living
Skills class.

No, about me!

I was nominated

for a National
Junior Presidential
Achievement Scholarship!

Big deal.

I'm getting
a navel piercing

just like Emica.

Oh, yeah, that'll
get you into Harvard.

I can't believe Nils Stanton
is going to be signing

his rockin' new sh**t
at the mall.

Who?

Only the world's
greatest soccer player.

The man's a genius midfielder
with a boot like a cannon.

And I'll be
stuck in school.

Or maybe we won't.

What are you saying?

We can't skip school--
we'll get caught.

It'll be cake.

We'll just leave the house

like we do every morning

except we'll go
to the mall!

No one will ever know!

Why did you tell me that?

Now Mr. Shackley will
ask me where you are,

and I blink when I lie.

So come along.

You could sh**t video
for the local news.

I'm in.

D., I need you
to walk to school
with me tomorrow.

I'm bringing
the entire solar system

and some new nebulae.

Aw... gee... I can't.

I'm... I'm honorary
crossing guard.

Okay...

Whew!

Maybe if he
wears sunglasses.

O'KEATS:
The cornerstone of all
successful relationships

are the three Cs,

communication...

cooperation...

and compromise--

three things my ex-boyfriend,
Arthur, lacked.

The man had the sensitivity
of a potato.

But I digress.

After choosing mates, you
will be assigned occupations,

and together
you will plan a wedding,

learn to budget and make
provisions for children.

[ kids exclaiming in disbelief]

Uh, excuse me, Ms. O'Keats,

I'm not sure
I'm ready for a wife.

Can't I just take home
the class goldfish?

Not a wife, Charles.

For this special class,
you will be known

as "spouse one"
and "spouse two."

I have written half
of the class's names

on pieces of paper.

The other half
will choose a partner

from this greasy paper bag.

Darryl, Darryl, Darryl.

Angelica, Angelica, Angelica.

[ echoing]:
Angelica, Angelica, Angelica.

Harriet?!

Who's Harriet?!

[ girl chuckling]

That's me.

Great.

[ groaning]

Lesley Kominsky?

There's no Lesley
in this class.

That's me.

Fridge Kominsky?

[ chuckles]

Your name is Lesley?

[ growls]

Uh, nice name.

ANGELICA:
Darryl, Darryl, Darryl...!

Susie Carmichael?!

Angelica?

BOTH:
I can't be married to her!

Sorry-- you'll have to learn
to live with your choices.

Tomorrow we'll begin your
fake life with a field trip.

Now let's see
what disappointments

the world of employment
has in store for you.

Just keep it casual.

Bye, Mom.

Well, we're off
to school now...

like we do every morning.

Yeah, here we go...
to school.

[ chuckles forcedly]

[ door shuts]

You think
I sounded nervous?

Not at all...
Swamp Thing.

[ conversing quietly]

It isn't fair!

Darryl ends up being
an Internet zillionaire

married to Briana,
a super model,

while I'm a plumber

married to a waitress
with six kids.

Chillax-- it's
not even real.

Now, the Junior Presidential
Scholarship, that's real.

Prestigious
high school,

elite music
conservatory--

I wow them with
this speech today

and I'm gold.

Can't you put that
on the floor?

Uh-uh, that laptop has the
only copy of my speech on it.

It is staying
where I can see it.

Maybe I can still break them up
before the wedding.

Sit down!

Five hours from now

my life is going
to change forever,

and I don't want you
messing with it.

So just hitch your caboose
to the Susie Express

and ride your way
to an easy "A."

O'KEATS:
But before city hall
and the marriage bureau,

we will be visiting
various shops

to research wedding costs.

Oh, and I'd like to thank
Principal Pangborn

for volunteering
to chaperone today.

[ grumbles]

I thought we were
going to the zoo.

Now, why would I
say "zoo"?

Part of our first "C,"
communication, is listening.

Perhaps you'd
like to cover this
with the class.

No, I have to face forward
or I ralph.

Oh, how romantic.

So, uh, you want to be
spouse one or spouse two?

Uh, I know this is
kind of awkward,

me being
the breadwinner

and you having
to raise our
three kids,

but I really think
we can make this work.

[ raspily]:
Nah.

[ groans]

I always wanted
to get married
on a beach...

with bagpipes.

You're kidding--
do did I!

What's your favorite sandwich?

Cucumber and onion...

BOTH:
On wheat!

[ kids conversing quietly]

Angelica, hurry up!

We're not supposed
to be trying these on!

Oh, lighten up.

We can't afford
this anyway--

not on
your crummy salary.

Maybe if you took
a night job.

It's not real.

O'KEATS:
Okay, everyone!

It's time to leave this
graveyard of shattered dreams.

Angelica, hurry!

Uh-oh.

Quick, get me out of this!

[ gasps]

I'm stuck!

[ straining]

Ow, my nose, my nose!

Stop complaining
and suck in your head.

PANGBORN:
Finster, Kominsky?

Carmichael, Pickles?

Here!

Here.
[ struggling]

Aah!

You know, for something
so expensive,

you'd think they could
throw in a zipper.

Oh, no!

They're gone!

[ bus pulls away]

Well, I hope
you're happy.

[ groans]

PANGBORN:
And this is where you get
your marriage license--

the first step

in that amazing adventure
called "life."

Fishing, fishing, fishing!

That's all you
ever talk about!

I'm a fisherman!

And there's
your fairy-tale ending.

[ muttering]

I can't help feeling
I've lost something.

Where are Susie and Angelica?!

ANGELICA:
I can't believe
they left without us.

This downtown
area's not good
for combination skin.

Stop whining,
I got it wired.

We're supposed to meet
our class for lunch

by the horse statue,
and there it is.

That's a horse?

It's modern art--

it's not supposed
to look like what it is.

Besides, how many horse statues
could they have in one park?

They knew we were
supposed to meet here.

How many horse statues
can there be in one park?

We'll double back.

Knowing Angelica,

she probably got
caught up shopping.

I should have
brought my car--

I have flares.

We are only minutes away

from meeting the world's
greatest soccer player.

Ditching was the best idea
you've ever had.

Was that Mom's car?

No-- would you relax?

Think about it:

You could be
at school now

like the rest
of the world.

Whoa... actually, I think
the rest of world ishere.

TOMMY:
Guys! Hey, guys!

Hey, Tommy.

How did ditching go?

Piece of cake.
DIL:
Yo, T.

Dil, how'd you know
I was ditching?

Oh, I don't know...

Frankly, I'm hurt you'd leave
your little bro behind.

Did I ever not invite you when
I visited the fourth dimension?

I don't consider being thrown
in a linen closet

to smell your farts
another dimension.

SUSIE:
I don't get it--

they were supposed
to be here for lunch.

This is a disaster!

Tell me about it.

This kind of crisis

could bring Briana
and Darryl together.

Don't you ever think
about anything

but you and
your imaginary problems?

I need to get
back to school
for my interview!

You got any money?

Lipstick, lip
liner, lip brush,

cell phone...

Oh, cell phone, cell phone!

Yes, way to go,
Angelica!

Oh, no juice.

Way to go, Angelica.

[ gasps]

Wait a minute...
my backpack...

Where's my backpack?

Oh! I had it right here!

Where's my backpack?!

So what?

Your mom will buy you
a backpack.

Do you know
how many backpacks

I've lost by accident
on purpose?

Did any of them have
a laptop in it

with a three-page speech

that was going to
change your destiny?

No, but one had an Emica
key chain in it I really liked.

I left it at the bridal shop.

Come on,
we're going to go back.

Forget it.

I'm waiting here
for our class.

Fine, I'm going.

You want to buy some
stereo speakers?

[ ferret squeaking]

A live ferret?

Wait up!

They left here
an hour ago.

An hour?! I don't think
I can handle the stress.

Does this look swollen to you?

I'll notify
the authorities.

Useless, just
like Arthur.

I don't get it.

Why don't they have
heads anymore?

[ sighs raspily]

[ moans]

Hey, Harold,
I need your advice.

You're a fake psychiatrist.

How come Fridge

never listens to me?

You have to find
a common interest.

Ours is origami.

[ giggling]
[ giggling]

We're not lost.

That bridal store

is just around
this corner.

Wait a minute, this tattoo
parlor wasn't here before.

Right, they just put
it up an hour ago.

Tattoo parlor?

Hmm...

[ needles buzzing]

Hey, sorry, we
don't do piercings

unless you're
or older.

Listen, lady, I may look
like I'm fresh off the pond,

but I've been
around the block.

Trust me, I've
seen it all.

[ clamp snaps, girl screams]

[ gasping]

Uh, I don't suppose
I could leave her
here with you.

I'm a good boy...
I'm a good boy...

I'm in a safe place.

No one can hurt me now.

Knock it off!

Yeah, Phil,

no one's going
to catch us.

It's not like the security guys
are paying attention.

They're busy scarfing down
cheese on a stick.

Security guys?

Yeah, the ones watching all
those surveillance cameras.

[ camera whirring and beeping]

I'm a good boy.

I won't get
in trouble.

I'm a good boy.

[ chewing loudly][ chewing loudly]

You know, for someone

who's always mapping out
their future,

you have one lousy
sense of direction.

Fine, I'll ask
someone, okay?

Now, get off
my back, woman!

Excuse me, is there
a bridal store...

[ speaking Korean]

Excuse me,
do you know...

Everything is in Korean.

Really?

Maybe that's

why they call it
Korea Town!

Boy, I must be
really hungry,

because that duck hanging
by its neck in that window

is looking good.

Oh, found a dollar.

Yes!

There's a pay phone!

We can get the number
for the bridal shop,

tell them to hold my backpack,
have them call the school!

The Susie Express
is back on track!

Mmm...

Ever try kimchi?

It's not bad,

and I got this whole
thing for a dollar.

What?

What?

You just ate my future!

Future, future, future--

can't you talk
about anything else?!

It wouldn't hurt
if you thought about yours

once in a while.

I think about my future.

Do you know how long
I spend every night

laying out my clothes
for the next morning?

This is getting us nowhere.

I believe it's time
to use the three Cs--

communication, cooperation
and compromise.

Bossy!
Bigmouth!

I wish we never
got married!

We didn't!

[ fish merchants hawking
in background]

Back off, sister.

I've got one hour
to find my laptop
and get to school

and I am not going to let
anything get in my way!

Whoa!

[ crying]:
I can't take it!

I can't take it!

[ sobbing]

I can't take it anymore.

[ seagulls calling]

[ engine starts]

You might as well
just bet me

for that paper route
right now,

because my future is dead.

How's this sound: "Would you
like fries with that?"

[ crying]

Come on, Susie,
we'll get back.

I have a plaid mini

I have to accessorize
for tomorrow.

How do you do that?

Do what?

Skate through life

focused on the most
superficial things

without any concern
for the future.

We're .

It's our job.

You know, Susie,

you can plan every
second of your life,

but won't that be
kind of boring?

All I'm saying is if
you're only looking
down the road,

you'll never see
the "half off" signs
along the way.

[ motorcycle engine roaring,
tires screeching]

I've got kimchi
in my pocket

and I'm not afraid
to use it!

What are you two girls
doing way out here?

Do you know that bridal shop
near the park?

Oh, let's
just go home.

Sure, I know it.

I got my dress there.

Want to see our wedding picture?

Here you go.

[ engine revs]

[ girls cheer]

There he is, Phil!

There he is!

No names.

I told you it's Rico.

What?!

You can't!

Sorry.

Hey, just you hold on.

This is my sister.

She's his biggest fan.

She knows all his moves,
she has all his posters...

Shh, they'll figure out
we ditched.

I don't care!

I am not leaving until
she gets his autograph!

Then neither
are we.

[ crowd cheering]

Oh, fine, this way.

Thanks... Rico.

[ Pangborn crying]

The police have
staked out the school.

They're sure the girls
will turn up.

I keep seeing their little
faces-- so alone and scared.

I feel so helpless.

You really care
about these children,

don't you?

I never realized
what a sensitive,

caring, bald man
you are.

What can I say?

I have so much love
to give.

[ chewing loudly]

Help me!

Help me!
[ gasping for breath, coughing]

[ chewing loudly]

I don't know anymore.

What do I have to do
to reach you?

Just once
I'd like to hear,

"How was the egg
salad, Chuckie?"

Um, I'm sorry.

Did... did you
say something?

I'm deaf in this ear.

You're deaf?

Sure, I thought
everybody knew that.

Look who you're
talking to.

I'm not exactly
in the loop.

Wow, all this time

I thought you
were ignoring me.

Chuckie, right?

Yeah.

So, uh, how was
your egg salad?

[ motor humming, tires screech]

[ kids exclaiming]

SUSIE:
We're fine.

Mr. Pangborn,
they're here!

Oh, joy!

I'd better get a lawyer
for this.

[ both cheering and giggling]

You know,

you don't have to agree
with me on everything.

I feel the exact
same way.

See? Like that!

I'm moving out!

Wow, I thought
they'd be together
forever.

You know, this
marriage thing

is a lot harder
than it looks.

Oh.

You know, Angelica,

I am glad we
ended up together.

You taught me you have
to enjoy the journey,

not just the destination.

Like if I hadn't
gone into that
tattoo parlor,

we wouldn't be
making it back

in time for your
interview right now.

Uh, but we wouldn't
have gone into that tat shop

if you hadn't made us late
in the first place.

We wouldn't have been late

if you hadn't lost
your old backpack.

I wouldn't have lost
my backpack

if your big head hadn't
gotten stuck in that dress.

Bigmouth!
Bossy!

I wish we never got married!

SUSIE:
We didn't!

Did anybody call the police and
tell them the girls were safe?

Whoops! Oh, well,
we'll call

when we get to school,
Mr. Pangborn.

Call me Estes.

Estes.

I am never going to wash
this shirt again,

or these socks, or these shorts.

Maybe I just won't bathe.

I don't know why
I got all aggro, man.
I knew we'd get away with it.

We are a lean, mean
hooky machine.

ALL:
Yes!

[ sirens blaring,
tires screeching]

[ sirens blaring,
helicopters whirring overhead]

Okay, we ditched!

We admit it!

I'm sorry!

I'll never
do it again!

I swear!

Don't take me away!

He's a bad
influence.

MAN:
Do you want to buy
a live ferret?