05x03 - Trading Places

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ You.

[ TV show theme music playing]

[ audience applauds]

WOMAN:
Okay!

You can open
your eyes now

and see Josh's
brand-new bedroom!

[ laughing]

Oh, yeah!

[ groans]

[ TV audience laughing]

Man, I love these design shows.

Whoa, that is so cool.

It's not my taste, but I can
appreciate the workmanship.

KIMI:
Mail come yet?

It's on the table.

Hey, Kimi, it's
your favorite show.

They're about to transform
a dreary basement

into an aquatic park

using old garden hoses

and an old septic t*nk.

KIMI:
Thatstupid show?

No thanks.

Gee, is Kimi upset
about something?

Yeah, she's
the one

who got us hooked
on this show.

She hasn't said
anything.

[ door slams]

CHAS:
Guys...

your mother and I will be back
in a couple of hours.

Now, you can
answer the phone,

but not the door.

Where are
you going?

Uh... out.

Out where?

Um...

[ TV audience applauds]

We're taking
ballroom dance lessons.

Dance lessons?

CHAS:Uh, yes.

Well, they didn't call me
"twinkle toes" for nothing.

[ Chas chuckles]

[ gasps]
Ooh!

Yeah, they did.

Ballroom dancing?

You could've just
said shopping.

TOMMY:
I'm telling you,

Kimi seemed real upset.

You sure there's nothing
going on with her?

Maybe it's the total lack

of professional
women soccer leagues

in this sorry one-horse town.

Good guess, Lillian.

Nah, you know Kimi.

If something
bothered her,

I'd be the first person
she'd tell.

PANGBORN [ over PA]:
Chucky Finster!

Report to
the principal's office... now!

Uh, gulp!

Mr. Pangborn, if this is about
me jamming the snack machine...

It isn't.

Or breaking the towel dispenser.

It isn't.

Oh.

Then it must be about
popping that tether ball?

This isn't about you!

It's about her!

Kimi?

What are you
doing here?

Your sister was assigned
to write a haiku

about her family
back in Japan.

This is what
she read to the class!

"There once was
a man from Japan

"who ate a lot more
than he planned.

"When his belly was fat,
around he just sat

'cause he couldn't
get off of the..."

[ groans]
You get the picture!

[ laughing]

[ coughing]

[ clears throat]

That is so not funny.

[ chuckles]

And it's not even haiku;
it's a limerick!

[ groans]

So, why am I here?

Two masters degrees
in child psych,
and she won't talk.

She's clammed up,
shut down,
checked out.

Got any idea
why she would do
such a thing?

Not a clue.

Well, then just... oh!

Walk her home.

Oh, and about
the snack machine,
towel dispenser

and tether ball?

Trash pickup-- two weeks.

Something bugging you, Kimi?

No, I'm fine, just fine!

But it's me,Kimi.

You always talk to me.

We're close, tight,
inseparable.

Kimi? Kimi!

You come here every day

and the best you can
do is junk mail!

Which is great,

'cause, uh, one kid's junk is
another kid's treasure?

Ooh, look: three rooms of carpet
cleaning for only $..

[ groans]

[ TP theme music playing]

[ audience applauds]

I look at this room
and I see tinfoil--

tinfoil everywhere.

Oh, is this the one

where the wife
beats up the designer?

You bet.

Uh, Dad, does Kimi seem
upset to you lately?

She hasn't said
anything to me.

Has she said
anything to you?

Not a thing.

If she had something
on her mind,

she'd tell you.

You two are close.

KIRA:
Better go, Chas.

Oh, right. Don't want
to be late for the conga.

[ scatting conga b*at]:
Da-da-da-da-da, hey!

Da-da-da-da...

[ coughs]
Hey!

Da-da-da-da-da-- hey!

Da-da-da-da-da--
hey!

What is going on around here?!

Ah!

You scared me.

Sorry.

I didn't know
I was so scary.

What are you doing?

I hate this room!

Especially this stuff.

I don't want to even
look at it anymore!

Why?

It's baby stuff

and I'm not
a baby anymore!

Then she said something
about not wanting to be
a baby anymore

and tossed all
her old stuff.

Did she throw out
any old clothes?

I'm looking
for some gaucho pants.

She was crying and everything.

I wish there was something
I could do.

It's probably just a phase.

I remember when I went through
my "I'm not a baby" phase.

I cut the heads
off all my Dummy Bears.

Hey, I just got an idea!

What if we redid her room

just like on one
of those make-over shows?

Yeah, yeah, we'll sneak
her off for the day

and when she comes back--
ka-pow, a new room!

I don't know--
sounds like a lot of work.

Even if we knew what to do.

Oh, come on, guys.

This is Kimi
we're talking about.

If the kids on those shows
can do it,

there's no reason we can't.

Right?

Right.

Right.

Hey, check me out.

[ chuckling]

Ow.

Now I can see
why she's so unhappy.

This room just screams
"generic girl."

What she needs is something
that screams "Kimi!"

Screams?

You're scaring me, Chuck.

I know! She likes movies.

CHUCKIE:
No, Tommy, youlike movies.

I got it!

She really likes animals.

CHUCKIE:
Yes, but she really likes
them alive.

I know exactly
what she'd like--

something artsy
with big arched windows
and a skyline view.

Are you suggesting
we build a skyline, too?

[ record scratches]

I got it.

A swinger's lounge!

It's hip,
it's cool.

It screams
"I'm not a baby, baby!"

CHAS:
What are you doing

in Kimi's room?

Uh, looking for Kimi.

All of you?

She walked
to the store.

Well, we're leaving now.

Uh, big ballroom
dance competition.

We'll be back
at : tonight.

Come on, Kira,
let's rumba.

Slow, slow,
quick-quick, slow.

Slow...

[ screams]:
Slow!

KIRA:
Ow!

Okay, guys,
we got one day

to transform this room
into a hipster lounge.

First we have to empty
this place.

Everybody grab something.

This is working
out well.

I don't
get it.

How do we make
cool stuff

out of this junk?

Ingenuity, my man.

We can turn this upside-down and
make it into a groovy swag lamp.

We can rip up Kimi's
old stuffed animals

and use the fur
to make accent pillows.

Did I just say "accent pillows"?

Cover it with this
old shower curtain

and make a cool
cappuccino bar.

But what about Kimi?

She'll be back from the store
any minute.

Someone will have
to keep her busy all day.

ANGELICA:
Keep whobusy all day?

Angelica, what are
youdoing here?

Finster's dad asked me to keep
an eye on you pre-teens.

But you're more
irresponsible
than any of us.

I know,
but I'm a great tattler.

So, Finster, cough it up!

Kimi's been low, so
we're redoing her room.

It's a surprise,

like on one of those
make-over shows.

Oh, I love those shows!

I watch them all the time,
so I'm kind of an expert

and I say Moroccan chic,

so I'll need
some raw silk and a camel.

You heard me: get cracking!

[ whispers]:
Tommy!

TOMMY:
You know, Angelica, it's great
that you want to help and all,

but you know what
would be really good?

I'm not chipping
in a dime.

No, no, not that.

We need someone to keep
Kimi busy all day,

so she doesn't find out
about the surprise.

Uh-huh.

I know what you're
trying to do, Pickles.

I'm not going anywhere.

That's a relief,

because you could help
with the heavy lifting.

Heavy what?

Don't you have one of those
hunky guys in a T-shirt

to do all the work,
like on those shows?

You're looking
at him, mamacita.

[ childish music plays]

Okay,
I'm ready.

What?

The Zen Tea House?

You invited me.

Three months ago.

Then we'd better hurry,
we're late.

Ah!

Ta-dah!

Wow, that sure is some yellow.

CHUCKIE:
It's "new horizons"

and it is
the hottest color going.

CHUCKIE:
The kid with
the blackheads

at the hardware
store told me.

So grab a roller.

I'm no expert,
but don't you think

we should put down
drop cloths first?

Uh, we don't have
time for that.

We'll be careful.

Ah!

Oh, sorry.

Tommy, why
don't you paint?

Phil, you could start

on the cappuccino bar.

I'll rip open
those stuffed animals.

New Horizons?

Please tell me you're not
painting Kimi's room with that!

Why not?

Big mistake.

According to the Bagwa,

the left hand /th
of this space

is Kimi's prosperity center.

Bagwa? Prosperity center?

What are you talking about?

Feng Shui, T.

Usually I catch on
to what he's saying

within a couple
of sentences,

but this time
he's totally got me.

It's the ancient art of design

to increase your
positive energy flow,

and I'm telling you,

you put yellow
on that wall

and Kimi's energy flow
is glowing negative.

I have purple.

Purple's good--
and you'll need wind chimes,

and some kind of running water.

We don't have wind chimes
and running water.

You don't want death
and destruction for
this room, do you?

This is insane.

Don't listen to him.

[ grunts]

[ fan whirring]

I don't know about the chimes,

but we have an old toilet
we could make into a fountain.

PHIL:
Okay, just a smidge
to the right.

No, now the left.

Okay... no.

Yes. No.

Philip, now you decide
to become a perfectionist.

We will never get this done!

Okay, that's good.

[ grunts]

Ah, no, no,
it's all wrong.

Take it off,
we got to start again.

[ peaceful music playing]

Problem?

I'll say.

My back hurts,
my foot's asleep,

and these bath mats we're
squatting on are prickly.

They're called tatami.

So what's that?

Japanese for butt-burn?

And what's with raking
these pebbles?

Back and forth, back and forth--
what's the point in that?

It's relaxing!

[ all shushing]

Well, if you ask me,
it's too peaceful.

This place will need to kick
it up to stay in business.

If you really feel this way,
let's go home.

What?! No! You... you can't!

Why not?

Uh... I haven't finished

my extremely bitter tea yet.

Oh, that's it,
I'm going.

Bye.

[ slurps]

[ screams]

Ow, my tongue!

I burnt my tongue!

The tea's lukewarm.

[ lisping]:
So sore... so sore.

[ spluttering]:
So sore!

TOMMY:
So, how's it going in here, Lil?

Well, pretty darn good, Tommy.

We've decided to hide
our paint accident

by painting
the entire carpet yellow.

TOMMY:
Pretty gutsy move, Lil.

And I see you've put up chimes.

They're Chuckie's
old retainers.

We improvised.

CHUCKIE:
Okay, everybody,
check this out.

Look what I found in the attic--
my dad's old records.

We're going to glue them
all over this wall.

You sure your dad doesn't
want those records?

Please. He doesn't use them.

They just sit in these

old, special museum-quality
dust-resistant jackets all day.

Hey, nice chimes.

Very Shui.

Uh-oh, black circles--
very un-Shui.

Oh, not this again.

Do you want Kimi to get
foot-and-mouth disease?

You mean I can't put these up?

Only if used in a number
divisible by

and facing southeast.

Or if you give me

this Captain and Tennille
double album, I...

Come on, Tommy,
let's do it!

DOCTOR:
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I don't see a thing.

Are you blind?!

My tongue is on fire!

Blah!

Uh-huh.

Well, it does look
a bit peculiar.

I'd better get a consult.

Wha...? Huh?!

[ whimpering]

Did you know last week
was Children's Day in Japan?

That mirror--
give it to me!

Ah...!

Every year my dad

sends me a present.

A stuffed animal,
a pretty pink pony.

This year? Nothing.

Bumpy, pink--
nothing peculiar to me.

He forgot about me.

Probably because

he and my new stepmom
had a baby.

Hold it!

Back up.

Is that why you've been
acting all aggro lately?

I guess I don't rank

as Daddy's
Little Girl anymore.

[ crying]

Oh, brother.

Man, that looks hot.

You know, it adds a texture
and a presence to the room

it didn't have before.

Man, it is catching.

Come on, let's go get
the rest of the stuff.

[ all grunting]

They're stuck!

The paint on the carpet must
have dried while we stood here.

[ tearing]

Uh-oh.

Okay, guys,
whatever you do, don't...

[ tearing, ripping]

Pull.

Now what are we
going to do?

DIL:
Only one thing todo.

Pull up this whole carpet.

Holes in the carpets

suck the positive energy
right out of the room.

We can't pull up
the whole rug!

Well, then I'd suggest

putting a little ceramic frog
by the door for luck,

and hope this place doesn't
become one big portal for evil!

Dil!

PHIL:
Guys.

Wow, Phil,
that's incredible!

I know.

You want to give me a hand
getting her in here?

[ carpet ripping]

[ all grunting]

CHUCKIE:
Phil, it's too big!

Didn't you measure
the doorway first?

Who thinks that way?

Guys, if I may make
a suggestion?

ALL:
No!

Let's stay calm.

We can figure this out.

We still have time to pull
this thing together.

[ crackling]

DOCTOR:
Well, good news.

Your tongue is perfectly fine.

Of course it's fine.

Whoever said it wasn't?

We'll send your parents
the bill.

You've been released.

Let's go home, Angelica.

Now?

But we still have
two hours to k*ll.

What are you talking about?

Okay, let's go.

Ow, ow, ow!

Oh! Ankle, ankle, ankle!

[ kids grunting]

This isn't working.

We'll have to cut it
in half.

No...!

[ telephone ringing]

[ carpet ripping]

Hello?

Mayday, mayday--

Kimi-san is incoming!

And don't come back until
you have a compound fracture!

Everybody, they're on their way!

We'll never get this place
together in time-- look!

He will be longing
for the days

when Kimi didn't talk
to him,

because she is so
going to k*ll him.

Fine-- you guys can call
yourselves designers,

but I call you
quitters!

If I have to do
everything myself,

I'm going to give Kimi
the room she deserves!

You can't do this
all by yourself.

Yeah, I know.

Then we'll split up.

Phil, break down the bar
and move it in here.

Lil, take some plants

from the backyard
to cover up those carpet holes.

I'll staple
those records back up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have taken the liberty
of making a Feng Shui diagram.

If we follow this perfectly,

then good fortune will shine
down on Kimi.

But first we take a moment

to get in touch
with our higher spirit.

[ hammering]

DIL:
Guys?

Guys?!

KIMI:
Don't you think we've spent
enough time together?

No one's home
and I really need

someone to help me!

Maybe if I laid down

in your room!

Why are you shouting?

I am?

Must be the pain talking.

ALL:
Surprise!

[ gasps]

Welcome to your hip, new
swinger's pad!

So? What do you think?

[ bawling]:
I hate it!

I'm sorry, Kimi.

I can't believe you destroyed
all my stuff.

But I thought you hated
your room and that stuff.

Why would you think that?

You said, "I hate my room
and that stuff."

Oh.

Well, I didn't mean it.

I was just mad at my dad

for not sending me anything
for Children's Day.

I've been pushed aside
for a younger, cuter,
pinker model.

Uh, Kimi, I just want
you to know

everything is going to
be okay.

Sure, and the sun
will come out tomorrow.

Blah, blah, blah.

No, I know exactly
how you feel.

When your mom
married my dad

and you came
to live with us,

I was so mad, I tried to
give you to the neighbors.

Oh, yeah!

They gave me a cupcake.

I thought you were going to
take my place.

I didn't know my dad
had enough love

for the both of us.

A heart isn't like a room
with walls that can't move--

it expands to let in
as many people as it needs to.

Wow, that's pretty deep.

Did you make that up?

Nah. I heard it
on a design show.

[ giggling]

The best part is I got a sister
in the deal.

I wouldn't trade her
for anything.

KIMI:
Thanks.

Um, Chuckie, does Dad know

you stapled his rare record
collection to the wall?

Rare?

CHAS:
Kids, we're home!

Dad?

Dad!

Happy Children's Day,
Kimi-chan.

I hope you weren't
too upset

waiting to get
your present,

but here it is--
a brand new baby sister.

[ cooing]

Oh, she's so tiny.

Chuckie, just so you know,
we weren't really taking
ballroom lessons.

Hiro asked us to help him
find a place to live

so they could stay a while.

Wow, you really had me
going there.

Everybody, this calls for
a celebration!

Kira, you break out the tempura
and I'll put on some music.

[ gasps]

[ crickets chirping]

CHAS:
What happened to
my Captain and Tennille?

My record collection!

[ screaming]

TOMMY:
We can make accent pillows!

[ audience laughing]