05x07 - All Broke Up

[bunniefuu]

BOY:
F[ rock music plays]!

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ You're another year older,
another year wiser ♪

♪ But I still go to school,
to get an education ♪

♪ I treat each and every day
like a mini vacation ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up ♪

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with... you!

♪

ANNOUNCER:
Only yesterday, thousands
of women across the country

were lining up to get in
on the latest fashion craze:

the beehive hairdo.

Until a radioactive chemical

in the hair spray

caused nesting bees to grow
a hundred times

their normal size.

[ screaming]

[ laughing]

[ sighs]

What a stellar night.

Just the way
I ordered it.

Perfect weather,

a million stars
in the sky

and a movie's that's just
bad enough to be funny.

We need to talk.

My family's moving.

Whew, dodged
a b*llet there.

I thought you were
breaking up with me.

Isn't that kind of
the same thing?

Oh, yeah...
guess it is.

So when are
you moving?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow?!

That's like the
day after today.

How long have you known?

A few weeks.

I was afraid to tell you.

So... this is our
last night together.

[ weepy]:
I'm not good with good-byes,
so I'm just going to say

...bye.

[ kissing]

Isn't that kind of
the same thing?

[ doorbell jingles]

Want a ride to your
hair appointment?

Aren't you going
to get dressed?

What's the point?

I'll just have to
change back into pajamas

in a few hours.

Mom, you're losing it.

No.

I already lost it,
the best job I ever had,

And they pruned me

like a dwarfing perennial.

Snip, snip.

You need something to do.

GIRL:
Don't get impatient.

Chillax bro,
it's just a game.

That's it!

You can market Dil's game.

Impatience is a staple
of entertainment

at the Java Lava.

Nah, I've played it before,

and frankly, I don't have
the patience for it.

Everyone loves it!

I hate
this dumb game!

Want to play again?

Okay!

See? That's the beauty of it.

You can yell, scream,
break stuff,

and blame it all on the game.

[ laughs]

You just might be
on to something.

Break-up
supplies, huh?

Yep. I'm just gonna
sit here, eat junk food,

watch sad movies,

cut Rachel out
of all my pictures...

and then quietly
collapse in a pool

of my own tears and vomit.

Handball can wait.

This I got to see.

[ sobbing]

Um... [ sobs harder]

Oh... that's it,
I got nothing.

Really?

I know this seems weird,
but I feel fine.

No offense, T, but I was sort of
looking forward

to the pool of tears
and vomit thing.

[ Dil grunts]

Aunt Charlotte?

D.P., I have a
proposition for you.

Color me intrigued.

In brief, there's a
hole in the market

for a game like Impatience.

I believe I can
turn your odd,

yet compelling little game into
an international best seller.

No, thanks.

That game is my baby.

I don't want her
to be exploited.

I can see it now.

Little German boys in lederhosen
huddled around the game,

screaming at one another,

tiny Dutch children
throwing clogs.

Together, D.P., we can make
the whole world Impatient!

Still not interested.

I'll play you for it.

Let's do it.

[ grunting]

[ both grunting]

[ grunting]

[ sighs]

Your heels may be high, but your
hands are callused and swift.

Just sign by

the green arrows, initial
by the yellow ones.

Charlotte Pickles

is back!

Look out world,

here I come!

PHIL:
Who am I kidding?

I can't eat.

I'm too upset about
the break-up.

Me, too.

Poor Rachel.

Poor Tommy.

Oh!
Get off me.

How can you eat
at a time like this?

I can't with my
lunch in the trash.

You don't

have to hide your pain.

I know how hard
a breakup can be.

I've been down that road
with Wally,

and getting dumped hurts...

like dipping your heart
into a t*nk of hungry piranhas.

She didn't dump
me, she moved.

So now it's over,
and I'm moving on.

Besides, I've been thinking.

Why rush the girl thing?

I'm young, I need to be free.

I'm not buying it.
Me neither.

You know me better
than anybody, right, Chuckie?

Do I look upset to you?

Absolutely not.

Thank you-- now that's settled.

He's in total denial.

Yep, and if he refuses
to embrace his pain,

this could get ugly.

So like Tommy to be strong
for the rest of us.

Tears of a clown, man.

Don't worry, buddy,
we're there for you.

What are you doing
in my class?

Someone in your
stage of grief

isn't in the head
space to take notes.
Noodle soup...

for your soul.

You didn't double-knot.

Get some rest,

Tommy, we've got
your chores covered.

I told you, I'm fine.

I'm young,
and I need to be free!

That's right.

Keep saying it
until the crying little boy

inside you believes it.

"Sorry for your loss.

Love, Chuckie, Phil,
Lil, and Kimi."

[ grunts angrily]

TOMMY:
No matter how many times
I tell them

I'm over Rachel, they
refuse to believe me.

It's starting to
make me paranoid.

Speaking of paranoid,

can you confirm that I'm

being followed?

No, I cannot.

Anyway...

maybe there's something
wrong with me.

How can anyone get over a
relationship in a minute?

What am I, a robot?
Right.

Like I'd be lucky enough
to have a robot for a brother.

And the weirdest part is

I'm actually relieved
about the breakup.

There's a
certain freedom

that goes along
with being single.

I can shower every other day,

eat onion rings, and stop
burping through my nose.

So, basically, what it
comes down to is...

I'm young, I
need to be free.

Sounds like you got it
all under control.

Exactly.

Now if only I can
convince everyone else.

Take heed these words
of wisdom, bro.

If you want your peeps off your
back, give them want they want.

Example: Everyone in my class
got chicken pox but me.

I was studied
like a circus freak for weeks.

That's sugar, not salt.

Ooh. Close call.

So I gave them
what they wanted.

I drew dots on myself
with a red crayon!

Technically,
it was burnt sienna,

but the point is everyone
finally left me alone.

So?

Play the part
of the jilted boyfriend.

In a few days,
your homies will be so sick

of hearing Rachel's name,
they'll never mention her again.

Dil, that is a brilliant idea!

[ yells]

Aunt Charlotte didn't tell me
about this.

These people shouldn't be happy,
they should be impatient!

What is wrong with that woman?!

You called?

How did you find me?

I knew I was being followed!

Of course you are.

You have a posse now.

Meet Mike, your agent.

Bill, your lawyer.

Hank your publicist,
and yes men.

But I'm a loner,
a drifter, a desperado!

I don't need a posse!

BOTH:
No, you don't.

Everybody needs a posse.

Yes, they do.

Aren't you
myyes-men?

BOTH:
Yes, we are.

And why are you
saying this game

is for ages -?

Impatience can't be played
by infants!

It can now--
I dumbed it down.

What?!

Charlotte, I am ordering you
to smart it back up again!

Aunt Charlotte.

Too late,
you already approved it.

Now, I'll need your approval
on the box design.

Well, I need
inflatable slippers,

but I guess we're both
gonna go without.

I'll get rid of the posse.

And you'll change the age range,

and put a picture of a poisonous
tree frog on the box,

artwork to be provided by me.

It's a deal.

What is up with
that tree frog?

A fail-safe, in case she gets
out of control.

[ phone rings]

Did you get
a cell phone?

Dil, it's coming
from your butt.

Hello?

CHARLOTTE:
I forgot, meet me at :

to go over the guest list
for the launch party.

[ presses button]

I knew that wasn't
a real hug.

[ phone ringing]It's Aunt Charlotte.

[ doorbell rings]Aunt Charlotte.

How can she be at the door and
on the phone at the same time?

You do not know
what this woman is capable of.

[ phone, doorbell
ringing continues]

[ singsongy]:
Who is it?

CHUCKIE:
It's us.

Who's "us"?

PHIL:
Come on, Dil, it's Phil
and Chuckie.

I'll stall,
you get ready!

Remember, Lady Love has
dealt you a harsh blow,

so embrace the misery!

Rachel? I knew
you'd come back to me!

Sorry, Tommy,
it's just us guys.

[ wailing]

The first step
in healing

is letting the wound scab over.

But if you keep picking at it,

it'll get infected and become
one bloody, pus-laden mass.

[ groans]
Anybody see a spare bucket
lying around?

[ Tommy crying]

I'm going to spend the
rest of my life alone.

I'll never eat, sleep,
or breathe again!

Rachel was the only girl

I ever...

like-liked.

You're young, you need
to be free, remember?

You can't do that if you stay
in bed the rest of your life.

Yes, I can.

You know where
this is heading.

[ wails]

No!

[ Tommy wails]

[ Tommy wails]

Now pull it together, man.

TOMMY:
Rachel!

Better be an emergency, lady.

You should be thanking me.

That note got you out of school
for the rest of the day.

Up top!

Oh, no.

There will be no high-fiving.

We don't have time anyway.

We've got a meeting

with the head of Japanese
field operations

before your commercial sh**t.

Commercial?!

[ groans]
Three words for you, C.P.:

Not gonna happen.

Fine. I'll do it without you.

Love you.

[ cell phone rings]

Oh...

Just stop planting phones on me!

MAX:
Okay, Pickles,
now a little Q & A.

Who was the founder

of the colony of Virginia?

John Rachel Smith.

MAX:
Not quite.

Second chance, T-man.

In , what pilgrim colony

was founded?New Rachel.

What language was adopted
by the colonists?

Rachelish?

Last question:

How long will it take you
to get to the nurse's office?

Dil, what are you...

Aunt Charlotte wrote me a note.

Apparently, I've got
chicken pox... again.

And you?

Mental problems.
[ chuckles]

This plan is a lock.

I'm driving them nuts.

And you know what?

It's fun acting like a whack job
and getting away with it.

Tell me something I don't know.

Tonight, they're
taking me bowling,

and I'm bringing it all home
with a full-on meltdown.

After that,

they'll never want to hear
the name "Rachel" again.

[ tap on window]

Still need your approval
on the guest list.

PHIL:
Remember, we're here
to keep him busy

so he won't have time
to think about Rachel.

I appreciate the effort guys,

but I don't know
if I can do this.

I can't bowl here.

Rachel and I were here.

It would be too painful
to bowl on the same lane.

TOMMY:
This is lane eight!

Rachel's favorite number
was eight.

[ kids grumble]

Is this a Rachel-free zone?

[ wails]

Now what?

Your shoes.

Those are the same

ugly, rented bowling
shoes Rachel wore!

I'll go change them.

Hey, you got six.

Six!
[ wails]

Rachel was six four years ago!

Mind if I take a moment alone?

Please.

[ Tommy chuckles]

"Rachel was six four years ago."

Sweet.

What's so funny?

Nothing. I was
talking to myself...

which makes me look
like a mental patient.

Exactly what I was thinking.

If you need a ride,
I'm sure my sister will be

happy to drop you off
at "the home."

[ chuckles]

I'll take a rain
check on the ride.

Two questions.

One: Do you have a girlfriend?

Two: Do you have any paper?

Nope and nope.

It's your turn...
if you feel up to it.

[ wails]

That song, it... it
reminds me of Rachel!

It's the pinball machine.

I know.

Pinball was the name
of her favorite perfume!

[ kids grumble]

TOMMY:
I guarantee you,
the word "Rachel"

is no longer in
their vocabulary.

What's even better,
I met a really cool girl.

It's weird, we just hit it off.

[ screams]

I installed a web cam,

so we'd have visual
communication /.

I know it's short notice, D.P.,

but can you make a speech at
the launch party this weekend?
Love to.

In fact, I already
have it worked out.

It goes something like this.

[ computer beeps off]

That woman must be stopped.

But not before
the launch, party, okay?

I already invited Anita.

Eighty-sixed from
the bowling alley.

Hmm.

No one in his right mind

would publicly humiliate
himself like that.

It's 'cause he went from zero
to dumped in seconds.

Exactly.

He needs to say all the things
he never got the chance to say.

Then there's only one thing
we can do to save him.

We've got to bring Rachel back.

Why not do it this weekend

so we can surprise Tommy
at Dil's launch party?

[ kids cheer]

It's gonna be a night
Tommy will remember

for the rest of his life.

you'll take Bus , which lets
out a block from the club.

We'll meet you there.

Don't forget to keep it
on the low.

It's the least I can do after
you guys pooled your savings

and stayed up all night
working this out.

Cease and desist!

Morning guys.

Got to go.Morning announcements.

Nature calls.

[ mumbling]

[ chuckles]

[ laughs]
My mom's so busy she doesn't
even care that I've been

at the mall every
night this week.

I'm on to you.

And now you're gonna tell me
how to get rid of your mother.

Yeah, right.

I finally got the woman
out of my hair.

Then sit back and watch
the fireworks,

'cause they're about
to start a-crackin'!

Dil, you can't bail on her!

You and your stupid game
brought my mom back to life!

You gave her the
reason to live!

If you take it away,
she'll be destroyed!

Do you really want to be
responsible for that?

ROBOTIC VOICE:
Don't lose your patience.

ROBOTIC VOICE:
Chillax, bro, it's just a game.[ groans]

Told you I'd put
your game on the map.

And better yet, I put myself
back on the map!

I am en fuego!

Up top!

The press is foaming
at the mouth

to hear what the Boy Genius
has to say.

And wait till you see
the commercial!

What commercial?

Rachel should be
here any second.

Wait till she sees how
much Tommy missed her.

This has to be
the single coolest thing

a friend's ever done
for a friend.

Hi, I'm Dil Pickles.

My family and I used to yell
at each other all the time.

But now we don't have to.

We let the game do it for us.

ROBOTIC VOICE:
Don't lose your patience.

ANNOUNCER:
Impatience, coming soon
to a store near you.

For ages to .

Poisonous tree frog
not included.
[ cheering and applause]

Time to pull out the fail-safe.

Checkmate, Aunt Charlotte.

Checkmate!

Tommy!

You look... normal.

Thanks to you guys,
the worst is over.

I'm feeling much better now...
happy even.

If you think you're
happy now wait till...

There she is!There she is!

There who is?There who is?

You invited Rachel?!

You brought a date?!

You're supposed
to be miserable!

It was all an act.

I faked the entire meltdown.

I didn't think
you'd take it seriously.

I'm not that good an actor.

So we pulled an all-nighter,

spent our entire life's
savings-- for this month--

and brought Rachel in town

for nothing?!

If you would've believed me
in the first place,

I would've never done it.

I can't even
look at you right now.

Jerk.Insensitive jerk.

Girl hog.

Tommy!

Tommy!

LIL:
Dead man walking.

Uh...

Rachel, this is Anita.

Anita, Rachel.

This sitch is way uncool.

I was right the first time,

you do belong in a
mental institution.

I'm so sorry, Rachel.

Please forgive me.

I can't believe I took
a minute train ride

just to see you,

the biggest jerk on the planet!

I'll never forgive you!

And I never ever want
to see you again!

Ever!

[ yells]:
Rachel!

ROBOTIC VOICE:
Chillax, bro, it's just a game.

And now, the real genius
behind Impatience,

Dil Pickles!

[ applause]

I must say, I'm touched at how
you've embraced my little game.

So moved, I want you to be
in on all my little secrets.

Like the one about the trick
to winning this game--

just hold a magnifying glass
up to the tree frog,

and you'll see the
exact sequence of plays.

[ crowd gasps]

FAN #:
Pure genius.

FAN #:
Great idea.

I never wanted it
to end this way.

I love you like a... aunt.

But you crossed the line,

and then you stomped on it,

lit it on fire
and danced on its ashes.

I know, that's why
I'm so good at what I do.

We could have had it all,
you and I.

Still, I have you to thank
for getting me off my butt

and back into the game.

I'll never forget you,
little man.

And I'll never forget you,
big woman.

[ cell phone rings]

CHARLOTTE:
You'll be hearing
from my lawyers.

[ screams]

I miss Rachel so much
it hurts, Phil--

like dipping your heart
into a t*nk of hungry piranhas.

Wait, don't-don't hang up!
Put Lil on.

Is that Kimi in the background?

I saw that stupid
bee movie on TV,

figured you could
use some company.

You're wearing green.

Rachel's favorite color?

No, it was blue.

But you have to mix blue
with yellow to get green.

[ blows nose]

[ wails ]:
Rachel!

TOMMY:
Rachel![ dog whimpers]