05x08 - Petition This!

[bunniefuu]

BOY:
♪ Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music plays]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ You're another year older,
another year wiser ♪

♪ But I still go to school,
to get an education ♪

♪ I treat each
and every day ♪

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with... you!

BOY:
Now can you hear me?

[ cell phone rings]

Now can you hear me?

[ cell phone rings]

Now can you hear me?!

"F' is for

the family that you made us..."

Hey.

Nothing.

So what are you doing?

Okay.Later.

"'I' is for the interest
that you take..."[ cell phone ringing]

Hello?

Sorry, you must have
the wrong number.

You want to talk awhile?

"N" is for...Now can you
hear me?

Knock it off, already!

Call me crazy, but doesn't
"knock" start with a "k"?

[ cell phone ringing]

That's what phones
used to sound like.

Do you mind?

We're trying to
practice something

for our parents' tenth
anniversary party.

So. Practice at home.

[ scoffs]:
Yeah.

This is a history class.[ cell phones ringing]

[ growls]

Even the Tower of Babel
was quieter.

I mean, look at this place!

[ cell phone ringing;
kids talking on phones]

[ beeping]

[ cell phone ringing]

I didn't call you.
Did you call me?

I know
I didn't call you.

You must have called me.

Now can you hear me?

Now can you hear me?

Now can you hear me?

Mom?

Stop calling me
at school.

Hold on, I got another call.

Dad?

You got to stop calling me
at school.

Speaking of babbling towers,
got to run.

Halt!

You promised you'd
practice this poem.

And you owe me--

or do I need
to remind you

of this morning's
disgusting incident?

Hey, I already apologized
for leaving my underwear

hanging from
the bathroom doorknob.

I made waffles.

The frozen kind.

Now, sit.

Okay, okay.

[ beeping]

Hi.

My battery just d*ed.

Can I borrow your cell?

I don't have one.

Really?

Gee, I thought everyone did.

Sorry.

[ girls snickering]

[ moans]

KIMI:
Cell phones are totally
about status,

nothing else.

I thought
you wanted one?

Do not--

even if my dad
would let me have one.

Hold on, I'm getting
another call.

[ phone beeps]

Hello?

No, I didn't call you[ groans]

Did you call me?

I mean, look at that!

It's getting out of control.

So stop yammering and
do something about it.

Like what?

No one will listen
to just me.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Nuh-uh.

Start a petition
to have them banned.

Other schools have
outlawed them.

It's the heart of
the democratic process.

At least that's what I learned
in government class...

[ chatting]

...between
cell phones
ringing.

A petition.

That's a great idea.

Plus, I can have
flyers printed up

stating the anti cell phone
position,

set up a table
in the cafeteria for sign-ups,

wear a really cute outfit...

CHUCKIE:
It's great you're putting
together this little movie

for my parents' anniversary,
Tommy.

It's going to be
the highlight of the party.

It'll be cool
arranging all the photos

into a small film,

and a way to challenge
my story-telling instincts.

Glad to hear you say that.

And the good news is,

there'll be plenty
of material to work with.

Good luck!

Oh, and by the way,
I got to have it by Friday.

See you!

[ groans]

They're totally about
showing off

and nothing else.

[ cheering]

[ cell phone ringing]

Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

Ooh! Ooh, check
this out!

[ simulated shutter click]

Wasn't that outfit
hideous?

[ laughing]

Hey!

Over my dead body!

This puppy is brand new

and state-of-the-art.

I'm not giving it up

just because
a few insensitive kids

are using it
as a status symbol.

Besides-- duh--
that's the point!

What I'm doing is
completely fair.

All I have to do
is get signatures

to pass a resolution
in the school charter.

signatures, eh?

Save the cell phones!

Save the cell phones!
Save the cell phones!

Save the cell phones!
You!

Huh?

Sign this petition
before my life...

err, I mean,
ourlives are ruined.

No way.

You still owe me
for the homework

I let you copy
back in sixth grade.

So let it go already!

Sign up and save
the cell phones!

But that was in preschool!

What do you think
you're doing?

Practicing democratic
ideals.

There's always an
opposing point of view,

and I represent it.

You'll never get
the signatures you need.

No one trusts you.

A lot you know.

This issue is near and dear
to plenty of hearts.

Hearts like...

theirs!

Just set your John Hancocks down
right here

before our lives are ruined.

Not a chance.

Same here.

Don't you realize that
if she gets her way,

it's good bye to cell phones!

Let's face it,
Angelica,

you've b*rned
too many bridges.

Dissed too many people.

You're worse than...

us.

We figure we're safe

so long as we exercise
our right

not to sign either petition.

Apathy isa vote!

Whatever that means.

[ laughs]

Hey, Kimi, how about
going over the poem now?

I feel bad about the whole

underwear-on-the-doorknob
snafu, and...

Forget it!

We have a school to save.

Dude, did you see
the game last night?

Ooh, wait.

[ thudding; laughing]

And not soon enough!

Here, one of these
needs to go

into everyone's locker
by lunch.

But...

By lunch!

Now can you hear me?

Now can you hear me?
[ sighs]

[ startled scream]

Well, if it isn't
the messenger boy.

What do you want?

I'm so glad you asked.

I need you to be
the face

of the pro cell phone
petition drive.

Why me?

I've never done anything
to distinguish myself.

Hardly anyone even
knows who I am.

Perfect!

You're a blank slate,
no baggage.

Besides, I asked everyone else
and they said no.

I don't think so.

I mean, Kimi's so into
banning cell phones.

She thinks
it's a really good idea.

So it's all about
what Kimi wants, is it?

But what do you want?

Or do you want
what you think

Kimi wants you
to want?

Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean, uh...

Could you
repeat that?

Isn't it time
you were your own man

instead of crawling around
on your hands and knees

doing your sister's bidding?

I am not crawling.

Okay, I was, but I am not now.

Word of warning,
my friend:

unless you
take a stand now,

someday soon
you'll find yourself

standing outside
Kimi's dressing room

holding a bra
for her to try on.

By then it'll be
too late

to step out
of her shadow.

A bra?!

Walk with me.

Thank you.

Uh, you can keep the pen.

CHUCKIE:
Save the cells!

Sign up today!

[ both gasp]

Save the cells!

Sign up today!

I can't believe it.

"Save the cells?"

My own brother?!

Since when are you
pro cell phone?

I'm not.

I mean, not necessarily.

I just don't want
my sister telling me

what I don't want...
to want.

Talk to my adviser.

[ phone beeping]

You're behind this!

Guilty.

You were right.

My face was the wrong one
for this petition,

but not Chuckle's.

That blank canvas

has already gotten us
signatures--

only five shy of winning.

That's impossible.

I've been at this
for days,

and I've only gotten
signatures.

"Acilegna Selkcip?"

I don't know any Selkcips.

Sure you do.

She's that girl from, uh...
Turkey.

"Lid and Ymmot Selkcip?"

Cousins.

Wait a minute...

That's "Angelica Pickles"
backwards!

I knew it!

And I guess "Lid" and "Ymmot"
are Dil and Tommy?

Back to signatures
shy of winning.

And I'm signing on board
as Kimi's advisor.

There is no way
I'm going to let you

mess up
the democratic process

with your dirty tricks
campaign!

Come on, "Imik."

[ growling]

Now can
you hear me?

Wrong!
Wrong!
Wrong!

I thought
the point was

not to distinguish
myself.

To be who I am.

You mean a loser?

And by the way,
from now on

you're wearing
contacts.

C-c-contacts?!

But I can't touch
my own eyeballs.

I took the liberty
of picking some up

from your eye doctor
on the way home.

That'll be $.--

bucks for the lenses,

and $.
for my consulting fee.

I'm not sure I want to be
my own man yet.

I mean, I don't know much about
the whole cell phone issue,

so could we just

leave my eyeballs out of this?

It's not about issues.

It's about image, spin,

smoke and mirrors.

And, according to my
polling information,

your glasses
make you look
"untrustworthy."

And the eyebrow dandruff
on your lenses is gross.

Wait.

You're doing polls?

Like I have the time.

Duh, I hired someone.

Now hold still.

[ Chuckie screams]

[ computer beeping]

On a scale of
one to five--

one being
least likely,

five being most likely--

how often would you say
you'd use a cell phone

in the middle
of gym class?

Never. I don't have
a cell phone.

Okay, okay, let's say for
the sake of my poll, you do.

Dil, I don't
have time for this.

I've barely slept trying
to get this movie done

for the Finsters'
anniversary party.

It's only a few days away
and I'm still scanning!

And I promised Chuckie.

On a scale of
one to five--

one being
absolutely not,

and five being
absolutely--

do you resent Chuckie
for asking you to do this?

[ growls]:
Dil!

What did you say?

I said,
"can you hear me?"

[ yawning]

Early bird
catches the worm.

Correction:

"cookies catches
the worm."

"Hang up on cells."

Cute!

Mmm...

And tasty.

[ kids clamoring]

We'll get enough names

by the end of
first period.

Ouch!

Locker.

Ooh!

Water
fountain.

[ kids talking excitedly]

BOY:Cookies,cool!

BOY:
Chocolate chip!

Yeah,
wow...

[ groans]

Food poisoning!

There's nothing wrong
with these cookies,

I baked them myself.

It's trichinosis,
I tell you!

You get that
from undercooked pork.

Oh.

Salmonella!

Eggs.

Botulism?

Dirt.

The opposition's
trying to poison me!

[ kids all gasp]

[ groaning]

You can knock off
the performance;

you scared
everyone off.

Boy, do I feel better.

Don't anyone move!

My left contact's
around here somewhere.

[ sighs]

[ dialing]

But how are we going
to fight Angelica

and her sleazy tactics
and still win?

I don't know--
maybe this petition thing

wasn't a good idea.

You can't give up now

and just let Angelica
roll over you.

Angelica?

I thought we were fighting
for the cell phone lists.

Sure, sure,
and them, too.

So what are you doing?

Nothing. Right. Nothing.

And according to my numbers,

scientifically calculated to
within five-eighths of a point,

the petition race
is a dead heat.

Even after my performance
this morning?

Are you sure your
numbers are accurate?

Pickup sticks
don't lie.

Kimi's argument
trumps your scare tactics.

She's the face of positive.

In fact, in all my hours
of polling,

I've never seen numbers
like hers.

I mean, she puts
her name on mud,

and the next thing you know,
they'll be serving it up

at the cafeteria.

I got to take Kimi down
a notch or two, but how?

Well, I'd buy mud
in the cafeteria,

but I don't
sling it, sister.

Triple espresso
smoothie to go.

Coming up.

So how are you progressing
with the film footage

and photos I gave you?

Not that I'm being pushy,

but the party
is in two days.

Great, fine,
not a problem.

It'll be done on time--
yes, it will.

[ snoring]

Perfect.

But we can't do this.

Will you keep it down?

Clearly, you don't understand
modern politics.

But breaking and entering?

But what if
we get caught?

I don't think
I can live down

that kind of
humiliation.

You live it down
all the time.

Good point.

Oh, I wish I'd
never mentioned

the embarrassing
Kimi photos.

Live and learn.

[ laughs]

Besides, nothing destroys
an issue

more than
embarrassing photos.

[ computer beeps]Hello?

"Quick! Somebody hand me
a cell phone"?

[ laughter]

It's a frame-up!

It's all Angelica's
dirty tricks campaign!

It's Pottygate,
I tell you!

[ laughter continues]

That's it, that's
the last one.

Oh, man, I'm loaded
with paper cuts.

Psst!

What's going on?

I'm not supposed
to leak information

to the opposition,
but Angelica's been stingy

at paying me, so here goes.

What do you want first,
the bad news or

the even-worse news?Bad.

Recent poll numbers
suggest this latest tactic

of Angelica's
has worked.

The anti-cell
numbers are down.

Way down,
falling-off-the-charts down.

Like they're wearing

iron pants down.

We get the point.

Don't you want to hear
the worse news?

I already know
the worse news.

My brother gave Angelica
this idea.

Who else would have known
about the photo?

There's nothing left to do
but fight fire with fire.

What do you mean?

Tomorrow, you two
will be presenting your cases

at the school assembly.

You'll just have
to get down and dirty.

But what about
our ideals?

The democratic process?

You want your issue
to win, don't you?

It's time to take
Angelica...

I mean, cell phones down!

CHUCKIE:
And in conclusion,

let me just say...[ earpiece feeds back]

ANGELICA [ over transmitter]:
Hold up cell phone!
Hold up cell phone.

No, you hold up
the cell phone!

Oh, right.

The only way you'll
take this from me

is out of my old...

I mean, cold,
dead hands.

[ audience applauding,
cheering]

Yeah.

When you aren't using
those cold, dead hands

to hang your dirty
tighty-whiteys

on the bathroom
doorknob?

[ laughter]

Once! I did it once!

I thought this was
about cell phones,

not dirty
tighty-whiteys

hanging off
of doorknobs.

Which, by the
way, I am for.

Ew![ Tommy snoring]

Huh? Yeah,
it's done.

The film's done,
practically done.

Bro, never mind.
Go back to sleep.

KIMI:
Well, you still
sleep with a baby blanket.

[ audience expressing wonder]

And you still
suck your thumb.

[ audience oohing]

Better than chewing
on my own toenails.

[ laughter]

Well, I'll tell you something

about Kimi Finster's
commitment

to the anti-cell phone
lobby you should know.

She asked Santa Claus
for a cell phone...

three years in a row!

I've got her lists.

[ audience gasping]

Yeah, she's
a goner now.

I'll say.

Okay, okay. I admit it.

But I wanted the cell phone
before I didn't want it.

[ laughter, oohing]

That's it.
I'm calling it.

This debate is over.

Hey, it's not over
till I say it's over.

Eh, okay, it's over.

And I'm not going
to our parents'

wedding anniversary if
you're going to be there.

Same goes for me.

I hate you!

Double it
and add caramel sauce.

I wish I'd never started

this whole stupid
petition thing!

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Now can you hear me?
Now can you hear me?

I've done worse
than undermine democracy.

I've helped bust up a family.

Ah, you've done
worse, kid.

And that was one hammy reading
you just gave.

This is all
yourfault!

You started this whole mess
by playing dirty.

I always play dirty.

Plus, Kimi and
Chuckie were more

than happy to go along, so it's
not like it's all our fault.

But like it or not,

we're the ones still speaking
to each other.

We have to talk
them both

into going to their
parents' anniversary party.

I don't get involved
in family business.

Ha! Since when?

And even you know
their own children

have to be there.

Especially if I could get blamed
for them not showing.

Yeah, your parents
can punish you

by taking away
your cell phone.

[ gasps]

Now who's playing dirty?

And as your adviser,
I order you to go.

Forget it-- not after
all the things Kimi said.

What? What did she say?

Not anything anyone
didn't already know.

That's not true.

Word on the grapevine
is you and Kimi

aren't going to the
anniversary party.

The grapevine would be correct.

Well, if you think
you're not gonna show,

think again, my friend!

I haven't stayed
up night and day

for a week just
so this movie

could play to
an empty room!

[ groans]
Okay.

But I'm only doing this
for you and my parents.

Will you let go now?

My skin hurts.

And I'm not sitting
anywhere near

that Finisher girl!

And I'm really sorry
for the part I played

in all of this mess,

but you have got to go to your
parents' anniversary party.

Your Mom and Dad's be
so hurt if you don't.

[ sighs]
Fine.

But I'm not sitting
anywhere near

that Chuckie guy!

Hew.

BETTY [ tapping glass]:
So...

here's to the kids
on their tenth.

And now rumor has it we're in
for some entertainment.

Chuckie and Kimi

have prepared
something extra special.

Wow.

Did someone just hear crickets?

Eh, kids?

"F" is for the family
that you ruined.

Well, "I" is for the icy way
you treated me.

It's what we get for sending
them to public school.

KIMI:
"N" is for

the nincompoop you are.

"S" is for the sister
that you're not!

Bro! We're sinking!

Roll tape!

Am, too!
Are not!

Huh? What?

Tape! Roll tape!
Roll tape!

KIMI:Am, too!

CHUCKIE:Are not!
[ classical music playing]

[ sniffles]

[ weeping softly]

Forget the polls, Dude.

Follow your heart.

[ both sobbing freely]

BETTY [ sobbing]:
I tell you,

I don't know what's going
on, but it's working.

[ both sniffling, sobbing]

We couldn't be more proud.

Yeah.

Oh, Angelica,

isn't this beautiful?

[ scoffs]
They call this
a gift bag?!

SUSIE:
Wow, I can actually
hear the birds.

It is so nice since your
cell phone ban went through.

Didn't.

Compromised instead.

SUSIE:
A cell phone-free zone?

You know, that's
a great idea.

Why didn't we think of
that in the first place?

I'm amazed
you're in the zone, girl.

Can't use your phone.

All right, I'll admit it.

I'm not totally unhappy

not being on my cell phone
every minute.

I'm actually
talking to people.

You know, directly.

Face-to-face.

Did I say you could
look at me?!

Feels great!

Well, that was my goal,

to show people
they don't need cell phones

to actually communicate.

[ phone rings]

What's that?
What's what?

That.

[ ringing continues]

I don't hear anything.

It's coming from...

your pocket!

Told you not to call me
at school.

I just wanted to know if we were
walking home together.

Well, can I help it my Dad gave
us these as a thank-you gift

for their anniversary party?

I'll put it away.

Just as soon
as I text message someone.

[ dialing]