04x09 - Andrew Wyeth. Alfred's World.

[bunniefuu]

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(INSECTS TRILLING)

(DISTANT g*nsh*t)

(BIRD CAWING)

(DISTANT g*nsh*t)

(DISTANT g*nsh*t)

(DISTANT g*nsh*t)

(g*nshots CONTINUE, GROWING LOUDER)

- (BOOMING g*nsh*t)
- (WINGS FLUTTER, BIRDS CHIRP)

("THE BRAIDS" BY
MYSTIKAL PLAYING QUIETLY)

♪ You can't drop me,
you can't block me ♪

♪ Who stop me? It's outside ♪

♪ You should've known better ♪

♪ Or is it 'cause I flow better? ♪

♪ They kept me in the shade ♪

♪ But now I'm back, m*therf*cker ♪

♪ It's the n*gga with
the cannon for the two ♪

- ♪ Swingin' with the braids ♪
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

♪ Don't f*ck, don't
f*ck with the braids ♪

♪ They can't f*ck, they
can't f*ck with the braids ♪

(MUSIC GROWING LOUDER): ♪ Don't
f*ck, don't f*ck with the braids ♪

♪ They can't f*ck, they
can't f*ck with the braids ♪

♪ Woof, woof, woof, braids ♪

♪ Woof, woof, woof, braids... ♪

(g*n CLICKING)

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (PHONE VIBRATING)

(BIRDS CONTINUE CHIRPING)

(AUDIO MUFFLED)

(MUFFLED g*nf*re)

(LOUD g*nf*re)

(BIRDS CAWING)

("MIND PLAYING TRICKS ON
ME" BY GETO BOYS PLAYING)

Got-dang! Whoo!

♪ At night I can't
sleep, I toss and turn ♪

♪ Candlesticks in the dark ♪

♪ Visions of bodies bein' b*rned ♪

♪ Four walls just
starin' at a n*gga ♪

♪ I'm paranoid, sleepin' with
my finger on the trigger... ♪

- (g*n COCKS)
- (SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY)

(BIRDS CHIRPING, CAWING)

(BIRDCALLS CONTINUE)

(WATER DRIZZLING)

(SIGHING)

Yeah, all right.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

My favorite. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

That's real nice.

(BIRDCALLS CONTINUE)

(LOCK CLICKING)

(MUFFLED HIP-HOP PLAYING OVER STEREO)

- (ENGINE SHUTS OFF, MUSIC STOPS)
- (DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BEEP, LOCK CLICKS)

(DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES)

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING
FAINTLY OVER SPEAKERS)

- (SIGHS)
- (SETS BASKET ON FLOOR)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

You find everything
okay today, big fella?

Actually, man, no.

Uh, do y'all sell, uh,
cast-iron skillets here?

Well, if you don't see any on the shelf,

then we don't have 'em in stock.

But I'll check, just to be sure.

All right.

Uh, do y'all sell, uh,
animal repellant here?

(SPITS)

Did you see it on the shelf?

- Nope.
- (PAPER RUSTLING)

(LONG, RASPY SIGH)

No, we don't have any s...

Nope, we don't have
any skillets in stock,

but, um, I can order one in for you.

Be here in a couple weeks.

No, man, that's... It's all good, man.

I'll just get it somewhere else.

I appreciate it, though.

You're just gonna order
it on Amazon, aren't you?

No, man. No.

(CHUCKLES)

(INSECTS TRILLING)

(DISTANT BIRDCALLS)

(PANTING)

(THUMPING)

Oh, sh*t.

(CHUCKLES)

(BLOWS) sh*t.

(SIGHS)

(TWANGY MUSIC PLAYING ON VIDEO)

Hey, guys. It's your boy,
"These Backhoes Ain't Loyal."

Thanks for coming out
to my channel today.

(GRUNTING)

If you want to see more
backhoe tractor content,

make sure you hit that
"subscribe" button.

(GROANS): Ah, sh*t.

- You can even give this video a thumbs-up.
- (PHONE VIBRATES)

So, what we're gonna do
today is we're gonna get

- down and dirty...
- (ALFRED GRUNTING)

and we're gonna change
the oil in this tractor.

- But before I get under this hoe...
- (GRUNTS)

we're gonna make sure

- that all the wheels are secure.
- God... (GRUNTING)

But I've done told you,
these backhoes ain't loyal.

They'll roll over you in a second.

I'm serious, dudes.

I lost two uncles this way.

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

sh*t. (GASPS)

sh*t.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS) Oh, sh*t!

("FREAK" BY TY DOLLA $IGN
FEATURING QUAVO PLAYING)

- (FOOD SIZZLING)
- ♪ She don't like my white bitch ♪

♪ Say I act too light-skinned ♪

♪ Dolla, don't be trifling,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm dirty in the streets,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ In bed she a freak ♪

- (LOUD BANGING IN DISTANCE)
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Kiss my feet, take this meat... ♪

(SHUTS OFF MUSIC)

- (INSECTS TRILLING)
- (BANGING CONTINUES)

(BANGING CONTINUES)

Hello?

(BANGING CONTINUES)

(OWL HOOTING)

Hey!

Whatever's in there, you
better squawk or chirp

or sing a f*cking song

with your little furry
friends or something.

(BANGING CONTINUES)

Boo, motherfuck...

Oh, g*dd*mn, man.

- Get...
- (SQUISHING)

Oh, g*dd*mn!

(SIGHS)

sh*t!

CLYDE: Hmm.

Oh, God.

Go.

- Go back just one.
- Go back one?

Yeah.

Oh, boy, this is bad.

(SNIFFS)

You got feral hogs.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

So, what I need, hog
repellant or something?

No, not as simple as
that. Here, give me that.

- Let's see.
- (SIGHS)

Yeah. sh*t, you can thank
the explorer Hernando de Soto

for this bullshit.

(SIGHS) Were the turds wet or dry?

I do not know.

Well, did they crumble in your hand?

Can you just tell me how to get rid

of these damn things, please, man?

I don't want to stand here all day

talking to you about dookie and sh*t.

All right, well, uh,
clearly, they're coming after

whatever it is you're growing.

Now, I-I can't make
it out from that photo,

so what kind of crops are these?

Corn.

- Oh. (SIGHS) Yeah.
- Yeah, man, lots of... lots of corn.

Oh, they love that stuff.
They love that stuff.

Um... okay.

Here's what I'd do if I were you.

(SIGHS)

You take a bunch of that corn, right?

Set it out in an open area.

Now, soon as that dirty hog shows up

and starts chowing down on it,

you line up your sh*t, take it out.

- Okay.
- All right.

Now, if he starts to
run, you aim for the nose

and you don't stop f*ring
till that fucker goes down.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, then you move in close.

- Head sh*t.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Uh, can I just poison
it or something, man?

(MUTTERS, SIGHS)

I don't think you understand.

This is serious.

Now, these things,

they ain't no bedtime
story animals, you know?

I mean, they don't deserve no sympathy.

They are aggressive, they are invasive,

and they will not stop

until they destroy everything you have.

You got to k*ll them
before they k*ll you.

(LAUGHING)

What?

Before they k*ll me? Okay.

(LAUGHING)

The hogs?

(ALFRED CONTINUES LAUGHING)

A pack of hogs k*lled a woman
in Texas about a year ago.

Just outside of Houston.

Chewed her ass up.

(LAUGHING)

Okay.

All right, but this isn't funny.

No, man, yeah, it is,
man. Bedtime story animal.

All right, guys, now that we got

all that old, dirty oil out of there,

I'm gonna show you what some fresh, new,

healthy oil looks like here.

And this is where it goes.

Now, check back next week,

and I'm gonna show you how
to replace a carburetor.

Thank you, guys, for stopping by.

Make sure you hit that
"subscribe" button.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS): Okay, baby.

Let's do this, mama. Let's go. Come on.

(ENGINE WHINING, SPUTTERING)

Come on, baby, come on.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING, CLANKING)

(SIGHS, MUTTERS)

(ENGINE WHINING)

Oh, sh*t. (YELLS)

(SIGHS)

All right, let's see.

All right.

Oh, f*ck!

Come on, man. Come on, man.

God!

(PANTING)

All right, man. All right.

All right.

(SIGHS): All right, man, all right.

All right.

All right, man, come on.

(MUTTERING)

How big is this motherfuck...

(PANTING)

f*ck!

(YELLS) f*ck!

(PANTING)

(SHUDDERS) Okay.

- (WHIRRING)
- (ALFRED PANTING SOFTLY)

(SIGHS, GRUNTS)

- (BANGS)
- All right, baby.

(SIGHS)

Yep.

(SIGHS): Yeah.

♪ Because-a in-a me eyes
there is red like blood ♪

♪ And I been moving
around like a human flood ♪

♪ Smoke outta me mouth
and outta me nose... ♪

ALFRED: I'm gonna avenge you.

I promise.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Gonna roast this m*therf*cker.

Dinner's served, m*therf*cker.

Come and get it.

♪ Under me sleng teng, me under me ♪

♪ Because it's way in
my brain, no cocaine ♪

♪ I don't wanna, I
don't wanna go insane ♪

♪ Way in my brain, no cocaine ♪

♪ I don't wanna, I
don't wanna go insane ♪

- ♪ Oh, no ♪
- (ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

♪ It's way in my brain ♪

♪ It's way in my brain ♪

♪ It's way in my brain ♪

♪ I said me smoke it and me
pass it through the window ♪

♪ And me give it to my
next-door neighbor... ♪

BEAR GRYLLS (OVER TV):
If the chicks don't feed

within hours, they'll starve.

- (ALFRED SNORING)
- (CHEEPING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

- (LOUD CLATTERING)
- (SQUEALING IN DISTANCE)

GRYLLS: Incredibly, it survives.

But it's stunned.

- (CLATTERING)
- Oh, sh*t!

(INSECTS TRILLING)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

- (INSECTS TRILLING)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING, CAWING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(SPUTTERING)

Oh, come on, mama. Let's do it.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

(SIGHS)

(SPUTTERING CONTINUES)

(ENGINE WHINES, STARTS)

(ENGINE IDLING)

Whoo!

Yeah, baby!

Whoo!

Yeah, mother... (GRUNTS)

That's what I'm talking about!

All right. All right, all right,
all right, all right, okay.

Okay, okay. (LAUGHS)

Okay. Okay. Push down.

Okay. All right, o-okay.

Come on, baby. Oh...

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, man.

(SHOUTS EXCITEDLY)

Whoo!

(LAUGHING): Oh, we outside!

♪ Shoo-bob, shoo-bob, doo-ooh ♪

♪ Shoo-bob, shoo-bob, doo-ooh ♪

♪ Are you rolling ♪

♪ Down the same
street that I'm going ♪

♪ Up the same stream
that I'm folding ♪

Oh!

♪ On the new ride? ♪

♪ Shoo-bob, shoo-bob, doo-ooh ♪

♪ High is high ♪

(YELPS)

♪ Low is low ♪

♪ Everybody wanna go to heaven ♪

♪ But nobody wants to die ♪

♪ Nobody wants to ♪

♪ Are you rolling ♪

♪ Down the same
street that I'm going ♪

♪ Up the same stream
that I'm folding... ♪

(SONG FADES)

- (BANGING)
- Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, sh*t.
- (TURNS OFF ENGINE)

(SOFTLY): All right.

sh*t.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

g*dd*mn.

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

(CLUNKING, CREAKING)

Oh, sh*t!

- (INSECTS TRILLING)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS)

(PANTING)

Oh, sh... (YELLS)

Ah, sh*t!

Oh, fu...

(GROANS)

Oh, sh*t!

(GROANS, WHIMPERS)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS) Fu...

(YELLS)

(PAINED GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

(PANTING, GROANING)

Oh, sh*t.

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING, PANTING)

Oh, sh*t.

(GRUNTING)

(PAINED YELLING)

God.

(PANTING)

(INSECTS TRILLING)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

(PANTING, GRUNTING)

(PAINED GRUNT)

(WHIMPERS)

(DISTANT BIRDCALLS)

(INSECTS TRILLING)

(INSECTS TRILLING)

(ALFRED GRUNTING QUIETLY)

(PAINED GRUNTING)

(WHIMPERING, PANTING)

Oh, thank God.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Oh, come on, bitch, I know you see me.

Hey, hey, hey!

sh*t! (YELLS)

Help me!

("TEXAS MAN" BY THE CHICKS
PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES)

- (MUFFLED YELLING IN DISTANCE)
- ♪ If you got the strength I do ♪

♪ Then sign me up ♪

♪ If I'm not too much for you ♪

- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- ♪ Then sign me up ♪

- ALFRED (MUFFLED): Help!
- ♪ Sign me up ♪

- ♪ I'm a little bit unraveled... ♪
- Hey!

Hey!

(PANTING)

Hey, f*ck! Help!

Hey, help me!

- Hey, sh*t! Help!
- (BACKUP ALARM BEEPING)

(GASPING): Help. Help me, plea...

Help.

f*cking help.

(PANTING)

Oh, bitch, f*cking please.

(PANTING)

(PAINED GRUNTING)

(PANTING, GRUNTING)

(PAINED GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(PANTING HEAVILY)

(GROANS)

(SKILLET CLANGS ON GROUND)

(PANTING)

(QUIET SNORTING NEARBY)

(SNORTING CONTINUES)

(SNORTING CONTINUES)

- (PANTING)
- (HOG CONTINUES SNORTING)

(HOG SNORTS, SQUEALS)

(SQUEALING)

(SCREAMS) Oh, sh*t!

f*ck! What the f*ck?

f*ck off!

(SCREAMING)

Get the f*ck off me! (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(HOG SQUEALING)

(CLATTERING)

(GRUNTING): f*cking...

(SCREAMS)

sh*t!

(GRUNTING)

(PAINED SQUEALING)

(GRUNTING, MUTTERING ANGRILY)

m*therf*cker, die! m*therf*cker, die!

- (GRUNTING)
- (PAINED SQUEALING)

Let go!

- f*cking die! (YELLS)
- (HOG STOPS SQUEALING)

- (PANTING)
- (SKILLET CLANGS ON GROUND)

(WHIMPERING)

Get the f*ck off me. (PANTING)

(MUTTERS): Get the f*ck off me.

(WHIMPERS)

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

(PANTING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(PAINED GRUNTING, PANTING)

(GROANS)

(PANTING, COUGHING)

(VIBRATING STOPS)

- Yo.
- EARN (OVER PHONE): Hey, hey.

What's up, man?

Chillin', man. Chillin'.

Yeah, I hope so. I hope so.

- What's up? You need something?
- It's in my email, okay?

Yeah, um, the lawyer sent over
that contract. It looks okay.

I still have some questions
about the dates, though.

Oh.

We'll get it sorted. Don't worry.

How is it out there? Is it boring?

Yeah. Yeah.

You-you sound tired, man.

Nah, man. Nah, man.

I'm straight. I'm good. I'm straight.

Just send it to me. Send it to my email,

and my assistant will
worry about it, okay?

Thank you so much.

Hey, look, can I call
you back tomorrow, bruh?

Uh, yeah, yeah. You good?

Mm-hmm.

All right, man. I-I'll
talk to you tomorrow.

- All right. Peace.
- Peace.

- (SIGHS)
- (PHONE DROPS TO FLOOR)

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

(SIZZLING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Yo.

ALFRED: What's up?

What's up, man?

Are you eating bacon
and drinking whiskey?

Hibiki, bro.

Cheers, n*gga.

(LAUGHS) Breakfast of champions.

Yo, man, it's the farm life.

Yeah, what was going on yesterday?

What were you doing?

What happened to your face?

I don't know, man, it's just...

Hey, I was out there with that tractor.

I got that up and running, right?

And, um, just did some sh**ting.

You know. This-this ain't nothing.

Look, man, I know this is
your safe farm and all that,

but you got to be
careful out there, okay?

Farms are dangerous as f*ck.

Okay, and you're over
there by yourself, too, man.

If something happens to you,
you fall on a rake headfirst,

no one's gonna know it for like weeks.

Message received, bruh.

You know, the whole point of
this farm is to have options.

If you don't like it, you
don't have to keep it, you know.

You can go back to the city.

At-Atlanta's not going
anywhere, you know.

It's all good, man.

It's pretty much slow
motion around here.

Yeah. Ain't got to worry about me.

Only thing I need to worry
about is this damn neck, man.

Every time I move it, it feels like

I'm on pins and needles
and sh*t. (GROANS)

Were you outside for
a long time yesterday?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think y-you're sunburnt.

(ALFRED LAUGHING)

No, no.

(LAUGHS): Yes.

You ever been sunburned before?

n*gga, look at me. Do I look like...

Hell no, I ain't been sunburned.

Black people can't get sunburned.

What you talking about?

Yes, yes, they can.

White people can get ashy.

Black people can get
sunburned. It's-it's a fact.

So, you telling me Wesley
Snipes can get sunburned?

(LAUGHING): Yes, Wesley
Snipes can get sunburned.

(STAMMERS) Okay, all right,
what about... what's...

uh, what's-his-name...
uh, "Kiss from a Rose"?

He can get sunburned, too?

Yes. Yes, Seal can get...

Dark n*gg*s can get sunburned, bruh.

I don't know, man. All right, hold up.

What about Captain Phillips? Come on.

I'm gonna assume you mean

- the Somalian pirate...
- Yeah.

- Not Tom Hanks.
- Yeah. Yeah.

And it doesn't matter, 'cause
they can both get sunburned.

n*gga, I would... Who-who's
going to be a pirate on the sea

under the sun the whole day
if they can get sunburned?

I know this sh*t ain't true,
man. It's just not true.

♪ Don't let the sun
catch you crying ♪

(LAUGHING)

♪ Crying at my front door ♪

♪ You done daddy dirty ♪

♪ He sure don't want you no more ♪

♪ Don't let the sun
catch you lying ♪

♪ Lying at my front door ♪

♪ Daddy's done turned salty ♪

♪ And, baby, you made him so sore ♪

♪ You can cry, cry, cry ♪

♪ Yes, baby, you can wail ♪

♪ b*at your head on the pavement ♪

♪ Till the man comes
and throws you in. ♪