02x02 - Italian Dream

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♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC ENDS) ♪

(WATER BURBLING)

♪ (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(WAVES CRASHING)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(LUCIA SIGHING)

- Oh. Buongiorno.
- Sorry?

- Buongiorno.
- Oh, yeah.

Uh, buongiorno.

- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- ♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(PANTS)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)

(CAMERON SULLIVAN SIGHS)

Honey. (EXHALES) My arm's asleep.

(DAPHNE SULLIVAN GROANS SOFTLY)

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(SIGHS)

Ethan?

- (DECELERATING FOOTSTEPS)
- (ETHAN SPILLER PANTING)

(PANTS)

(CONTINUES PANTING)

♪ (MUSIC SWELLS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADING) ♪

TANYA MCQUOID-HUNT: Honey?

You all right?

♪ (DREAMY MUSIC RESUMES) ♪

GREG HUNT: Yeah, I'm fine.

- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- ♪ (MUSIC FADING) ♪

♪ ("CITTÀ VUOTA" BY MINA PLAYING) ♪

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

(IN ITALIAN)

ROCCO:

ISABELLA: Buongiorno.

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

(IN ENGLISH) Oh, God.
This is such a beautiful view.

I wonder if anyone's
ever jumped from here.

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

GREG: I'm gonna get a plate.

TANYA: No idea why I didn't
bring my roller skates.

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

- PORTIA: Hey.
- Hi.

PORTIA: Uh, can I sit here?

Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course. Or there.

- (SIGHS)
- Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just, um...
It's... My boss is just...

(MUTTERING) sh**t.

- ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(PLATTER COVER CLATTERING)

(TANYA GROANS)

Well, good thing it wasn't glass.

Yeah.

I only have four hands.

I think they're gonna come and help you.

- Hi. No worries.
- Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I just... Do you have
any Oreo cookie cake?

RESORT GUEST : Have you noticed that?

RESORT GUEST : Is that cheese, or...

- RESORT GUEST : This is cheese.
- DAPHNE: Harper!

♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

CAMERON: Hey!

- DAPHNE: It's all right.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- DAPHNE: Hi.

CAMERON: Where's your man?

Oh, he wakes up
super early to go running,

so that's what I'm dealing with.

- (CHUCKLES)
- What? Christ, I hate him.

- Got to exercise, you know?
- ALBIE DI GRASSO: Dad! Over here.

- CAMERON: I still don't have my clothes.
- DAPHNE: Call the airline.

ALBIE: Morning.

- This is my dad, Dominic.
- PORTIA: Hi.

ALBIE: Nonno, you met Portia yesterday.

PORTIA: Hi.

- Did I?
- (DOMINIC DI GRASSO EXHALES)

Yeah, I, uh, saw you fall by the pool.

(SCOFFS) They need
to fill in that grouting.

(DOMINIC SIGHS)

BERT DI GRASSO:
This is a five-star hotel

and that's a major hazard.

(SIGHS) Can we get some
menus and coffee?

- (GROANING)
- Did you not sleep well?

I slept like crap.

I slept fantastic

and I'm completely refreshed.
Uh, no jet lag at all.

Well, Albie told me
you guys are here to learn

- about your Sicilian roots.
- BERT: Uh-huh.

Sounds like a fun boys' trip.

(CHUCKLES) Well, wasn't
supposed to be a boys' trip.

I still don't understand
why Abby isn't here.

I definitely explained it to you.

She's that mad that she's gonna miss

a once-in-a-lifetime
family trip to Sicily?

She is that mad, and can we just not?

What?

She's gonna get a divorce?
She can't do that.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Yes, she can.
Why can't she?

BERT: Um. Well, what's it been?
Twenty-five years?

(CHUCKLES) I mean...
You can't let her do that.

DOMINIC: It's not all up to me, Dad.

You want me to call her? Huh?

I'll talk to her. I can speak to this.

I don't want you to call her

and that's not gonna
help anything, so...

- (BERT STAMMERS)
- ... please can we just drop it?

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

My wife passed away last year.

- Oh, no.
- BERT: Yeah.

Well, she was very sick, so...

We were married years.
The love of my life.

Dominic's mother. An incredible woman.

And there's no way

she would've missed
a family trip to Sicily.

(CHUCKLES) I mean,
I could've done anything.

I could have b*rned
the house down. (LAUGHS)

You know what? I think
maybe I will do the buffet.

CAMERON: You kidding me?
This is bullshit.

No, I filled out your f*cking form.

I talked to like three people,
and after all that,

you send it back to f*cking New York?

Cameron has a really long fuse.
But then all of a sudden,

he'll just go crazy.
I mean, he will lose it.

- CAMERON: No. No, no, no, no.
- It's kinda funny.

CAMERON: No. I don't want a voucher!

- I want my f*cking clothes!
- (CHUCKLES)

Does he ever lose it on you?

No. We never fight.

- That's sweet.
- DAPHNE: Yeah.

I don't think I've ever met
a couple that doesn't fight.

I mean, what is there
to fight about anyway, right?

Wow.

- DAPHNE: What'd they say?
- (BREATHES DEEPLY)

They sent my bag back home to New York.

- f*cking geniuses. (SIGHS)
- No. (GROANS)

Okay, well, at least it's not lost.

We'll get you some new stuff.
It'll be great.

CAMERON: (SIGHS) Incompetence,
makes me homicidal. (EXHALES)

DAPHNE: Hmm. (CLICKS TONGUE)
I was just telling Harper

how we never fight.

Well, you're practically perfect, so...

And when we disagree,
you just give in, right?

Yes, ma'am.

Happy wife, happy life.

(INHALES) I'm gonna, uh, take this up...

back up to my room. (EXHALES)

CAMERON: Well, we're
kinda done here, right?

Yeah, we can come with you.

- HARPER SPILLER: Great.
- Cool.

♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(EXHALES, GROANS)

(EXHALES)

(GROANS)

p*rn ACTRESS: (MOANS OVER VIDEO)
Oh, yes.

(RHYTHMIC SQUELCHING)

(BREATHES HEAVILY, MOANS)

Mm. (MOANS)

♪ (MUSIC FADING) ♪

It's our first day in Sicily.
What do you wanna do?

Whatever you want.

I think... (HESITATES)
... my fantasy day in Italy is...

Well, first, I wanna look
just like Monica Vitti.

♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

And... and then this man
in a very slim-fitting suit...

(INHALES) ... he comes over
and he lights my cigarette.

And it taste really good.

And then takes me for
a drive on his Vespa.

- (GREG CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- (SIGHS)

You want me to rent a Vespa?

Then at sunset...

we go down very close to the sea,

to one of those really romantic spots.

(INHALES) And then we...
we drink lots of aperitivos,

and we eat big plates of pasta
with giant clams.

And we're just really chic
and happy and... and we're...

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(GROANS SOFTLY)

... beautiful.

Well, all right. Sounds good to me.

Really?

Sure. Whatever you want.
It's... it's your day to shine.

BERT: So, your employer
doesn't want you around, huh?

Listen. You can't come to Sicily
and just sit in your room.

It's against the law.

I know. I agree. It sucks.

We're walking
to the Greek theater today.

You should come.

No. It's a family trip, it's your thing.

Not at all. When there's
a young, pretty lady around,

we'll all be better behaved, cheerier.

Okay. Yes, no. You... you should come.

♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- Right?
- Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

BERT: Hmm? Say yes.

- Yes. I'll come.
- (BERT LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)

All right, well we're gonna go
get him some clothes,

but you wanna meet up in like two hours?

Yeah, perfect. Just text us.

- DAPHNE: Bye.
- CAMERON: Bye.

(CARD READER BEEPS)

p*rn ACTRESS: (MOANING)
I can't believe how hot...

- (RUSTLING)
- (ETHAN GROANS)

(PANTS) Hey. What's going on?

What's with the boner?

ETHAN: Yeah, fair question.

Uh, I was jerking off. (PANTS)

- (p*rn ACTRESS MOANING)
- Oh. (CHUCKLES)

(MOANING STOPS)

Why?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Um, I don't know, endorphins?

You know I sometimes get horny
after I run. (INHALES)

Well, couldn't you have just waited

till I got back to the room?
I was only gone minutes.

All I had was a croissant. (SCOFFS)

You don't like morning sex.

(SCOFFS) What? I'm fine with it.

Are you? You're not a morning person.

Well, I don't wake up
with a raging hard-on,

that is true.

Look, I just figured
I'd take care of it myself.

Okay? (EXHALES)

- HARPER: Well, did you?
- No, but... but it's fine.

Do you want help?

Now?

Yeah.

No, it... It's okay.
We can do that later.

It's not a big deal.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

So, Daphne and Cameron never fight!

- How do you know?
- HARPER: Because that's what they said.

If you never fight,

then your relationship
is not real. It's like, yeah,

we fight, we bicker,

but that's because we talk
about everything.

You know? We're honest.

They act like they're
on their honeymoon.

They're all over each other.
But it's bogus. It's not real.

You always do this with certain people.

It's like you have to find them
deficient in some way,

- compared to you.
- What?

ETHAN: It's like, I don't know,

maybe it's a way of soothing yourself

when you feel threatened or something.

I'm not threatened by them.

Like, you never do this with Carmen.

- Carmen? Our housekeeper?
- You're always like...

(MOCKINGLY) "Oh, my God.
I love Carmen. She's so sweet".

She is so sweet. She's a sweet old lady.

But like, you're not threatened by her,

so you don't see any of the other stuff.

Like, she can just be sweet Carmen,

the sweet old lady.

(HESITATES)

Everybody compares themselves
to other people, Ethan.

Why are you criticizing me
for doing something

that everyone does?

I'm just pointing out
a personality quirk.

You do it to me all the time.

- (HARPER SCOFFS)
- Why are you threatened by them?

- I'm not.
- Kinda seems like you are.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

But it's just, like,
are these the kind of people

we're gonna be hanging out
with now? Like, really?

Like, people that can only talk about

what five-star hotel they've stayed at.

Okay, so you're a snob?

What? I'm a snob? They're snobs.

I... I guess we're all snobs
in different ways.

I was just trying to say

that I think we have
a good relationship,

but I won't do that again.

ETHAN: I agree.

Hey, Harper.

I agree, percent.

Everybody does it, Ethan.

I'm sure they're over there
sh1tting on me right now,

saying I'm a bitch
or... you could do better.

Or whatever.

♪ ("TU FARAI" BY MINA PLAYS) ♪

- Ah!
- (LAUGHS)

Ah. Vieni, bella!

- (IN ENGLISH) Come to Papa.
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

What do you think, huh, baby?

- (CHUCKLES, MUMBLES)
- (GIGGLES)

DAPHNE: I like it.

Bellissimo!

(IN ITALIAN)

(MIA CHUCKLES)

(IN ENGLISH) Bitch, you're fired.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

LUCIA: (IN ITALIAN, CHUCKLES)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(SIGHS)

MIA: Hmm.

- Mia.
- (GROANS)

LUCIA:

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

(IN ENGLISH)
You sure you're okay to walk?

Maybe we should get a taxi, Dad.

(SCOFFS) She said it's only
at the end of the...

of the corso.

(CHUCKLES) If I'm a cr*pple,
nobody told me.

♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Um, you guys, I gotta make
a quick call, all right?

Uh, you wanna keep walking
and I'll just catch up?

ALBIE: Okay. Dad, it's this way.

(LUCIA AND MIA CONVERSING IN ITALIAN)

DOMINIC: (IN ENGLISH) Cool.

Oh, Mr. Di Grasso.

- Good Morning.
- DOMINIC: Hello.

- (GOSSIPING IN ITALIAN)
- DOMINIC: (IN ENGLISH) Uh, I just wanted to inform you

that my good friends here, um...

- Lucia.
- Lucia.

- Mia.
- And Mia.

They're my good friends.

- They are your good friends?
- DOMINIC: Yeah.

- VALENTINA: Okay.
- And they're gonna be visiting me this week.

Uh, a couple of nights maybe,
not exactly sure.

But it seems like they're having trouble

getting into the hotel.
So if you could just make sure

they get access,
that would be wonderful.

Yeah. Um,

I'm afraid I will need to add
their names on your room,

as we only allow
our guests into the hotel.

Oh.

Um, well, all right. Let's do that then.

Add both their names to your room?

Sure.

(EXHALES)

(KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING)

Um, I'm afraid there is a little issue

because your room was
booked only for two guests.

And if you are three,

this is going to be an extra charge.

Really?

Sorry about that.

We'd also have to charge
for setting up the extra bed.

No, we don't need an extra bed.

Are you going to sleep

all in the same bed?

(CHUCKLING) No... no.

They'll be coming and going.
You see, they're locals.

They're my local friends.

Oh. They come and go. I see.

Okay, how about this?
Why don't you, uh, put Lucia

on my room and add...

- Mia.
- ... Mia to my father's room?

So she will be sleeping
with your father.

No. (CHUCKLES)

She's not staying anywhere.

They're just gonna be visiting me

and I'm hoping you're gonna let them in.

It's not that complicated, is it?

- (SIGHS) It's not.
- DOMINIC: No.

Okay.

Yes, I will add their names.

- So we're good?
- Yes.

- DOMINIC: Thank you.
- We welcome them.

- DOMINIC: Thank you.
- (IN ITALIAN)

- Okay, um...
- LUCIA AND MIA: Grazie.

Grazie. (CHUCKLES)

- Thank you, thank you.
- Uh, uh, yes. Okay. Listen.

Please don't make me regret this.

- Okay?
- LUCIA: No. Yes.

Um, you charge some food,

charge a little vino,
but don't go crazy.

No, no, no. We... We
will don't go crazy.

The other thing is,
I'm here with my father

and my son, so I can't really
be seen with you.

- You understand that?
- Yes, I understand.

I'll see you tonight.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(CHUCKLES)

(IN ITALIAN)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

♪ ("LA GATTA" BY GINO PAOLI) ♪

- LUCIA: Grazie.
- Prego.

(GIGGLES)

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

DAPHNE: (IN ENGLISH)
Venice is unbelievable.

CAMERON: We love Venice.

And the hotels!
Cam really likes the Cipriani.

- CAMERON: Love it.
- Because of the boat ride

through the lagoon into town.

So cool. I mean, that's living, honey.

- That is living.
- It is, yes. But.

You have to go

and you have to stay at the Aman.

Trust me.

I cried when I saw the view
from our room.

- HARPER: Hmm.
- And a princess lives there.

It's somebody's house!

It's wild, though.
These European aristocrats,

- they have no money.
- Yeah.

Like, I sh*t you not.
They have all these palazzos,

- and they got no cash.
- Uh-huh.

(CHUCKLES) And they're so rude.

CAMERON: Oh, my God, are they rude.

- Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- We could buy their palazzo,

and they'd treat us like
we're, you know...

- Like bugs.
- CAMERON: Yeah.

- Like disgusting bugs.
- CAMERON: Yeah.

- (CHUCKLES) That's funny.
- DAPHNE: Yeah.

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

Okay, so, you didn't go
to Venice on your honeymoon.

- Where did you go?
- Yeah.

We went to Puerto Rico.

- Oh!
- ♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

Harper has, like,
half her family out there, so...

That's right. Yeah, of course.

I remember you're half Puerto Rican.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

How is Puerto Rico?

- It's awesome.
- Beautiful.

Yeah? That's cool.

- We should... we should go.
- Yes.

- I mean, we should totally go.
- Mm-hmm.

It's never really been on our radar.

- But we should check it out if you guys...
- No. Yeah.

- ... say it's great. Yeah.
- Yeah, you should.

And it's, um, it's a part of America,

- but it's not a s... state.
- Right.

'Cause it's, um...

- It's a territory.
- DAPHNE: Yes!

- Exactly. It's a territory. Duh.
- Territory.

You should go. If you ever wanna go,

you could stay with
my family in San Juan.

Yeah, we would love that.

That's so nice.

♪ ("LA DOMENICA"
BY COCKI MAZZETTI PLAYING) ♪

LUCIA: (GASPS)

(IN ITALIAN)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

- (MIA CHUCKLING)
- (REMARKS IN ITALIAN, GASPS)

- ♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪
- (LAUGHS)

GREG: (IN ENGLISH) I'm gonna get sick.

You know what?
You need to be in the photo.

- GREG: (SIGHS) No, I don't.
- You do.

- Yeah, get in the photo.
- GREG: I don't need to be in the picture.

Let's just go.

You're never in a cute
little suit like that,

you're always in your underwear.

- Hey.
- VALENTINA: Yes?

- Hello.
- VALENTINA: Hi.

TANYA: Yeah, could you take
a photo of us...

- VALENTINA: Yes.
- ... on the Vespa?

- For sure.
- TANYA: Thank you.

- You look so pink.
- GREG: Here.

TANYA: Guess who I am?

- VALENTINA: Uh...
- Watch, watch.

Peppa Pig.

I'm Monica Vitti.

Monica Vitti's dead, but yes.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Oh, wait. Wait. One more
with my mouth shut.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

- VALENTINA: Very sexy. Brava.
- TANYA: Mm. (LAUGHS)

- Brava, Monica.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

- Thank you.
- VALENTINA: You're welcome.

(VESPA ENGINE STARTS, REVS)

(NERVOUSLY) Uh...

Are you sure you don't need a car?

No, this is... This is
the Italian dream.

Yes, but, uh, the road
can be really tricky.

- TANYA: Yeah, but we...
- And you know, Sicilian drivers...

Is this the, uh, normal size of a Vespa?

Yes. Vespa, normal size. Yes.

- (ENGINE REVS)
- Uh-oh.

- All right.
- TANYA: Oh, my God.

- (BRAKES SCREECHING)
- TANYA: Oh.

♪ (OPERA SINGER SINGING IN ITALIAN) ♪

(TANYA GROANS NERVOUSLY)

(EXCLAIMING IN ITALIAN)

(VESPA HORN HONKING)

♪ (OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

CAMERON: (IN ENGLISH) Oh, sh*t.

- Jet skis?
- Oh.

Oh, that's awesome.
We gotta do that, huh?

Daph, come on, take them down the coast?

Ooh. No thanks.

Oh.

E-man, what about you?
You'd be up for that?

I don't know, maybe.

Yeah, I guess.

You gotta have motor skills
for something like that.

- (DAPHNE CHUCKLING)
- What's that supposed to mean?

(CHUCKLES) I'm kidding, man,
I'm kidding. So...

Little elephant in the room,
how do you guys like being rich?

- Oh, Cameron. God.
- What? Come on.

Major windfall, right?

I mean, nothing much
has changed, to be honest.

Nice to be able to help people, I guess.

- Yeah. Right.
- Yeah.

And helping Harper's parents, my sister.

Yeah, we're not very
materialistic, so it's...

- Oh, yeah?
- ETHAN: Harper's thinking

of starting a little
foundation, actually.

DAPHNE: Nice.

Yeah, I'm working with
the Hispanic Federation.

Great.

Yeah, we're involved
in a lot of charities.

- Right, Daph?
- DAPHNE: Mm-hmm.

You know, sometimes
if I've had too much to drink,

I wake up the next day and I realize

- I've spent a lot of money.
- Yeah.

- Like, a lot of money.
- Like, all the money.

If I have had wine

and I'm scrolling and I see anything

with like neglected children
or babies or abused animals,

it's like, I can't.

I mean, people are just so f*cked up.

- CAMERON: Yeah.
- ETHAN: Yeah.

Yeah, we're not just materialistic pigs.

- (DAPHNE CHUCKLES)
- Despite what you might think.

I don't... I don't think that.

No, I...

(INHALES DEEPLY) ... I don't think that.

I'm gonna go for a swim.

Have fun.

♪ (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Something I said?

(CHUCKLES)

- (WAVES CRASHING)
- I'm gonna go for a swim.

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(GRUNTS, LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

(SCOFFS) What a view.

(CHUCKLES) I think I'll sit down.

(GROANS) Oh.

- (CHUCKLES) Ah!
- You okay, Bert?

- Want some of my water?
- BERT: Oh.

It was a long walk, Dad. You did great.

BERT: Mm.

DOMINIC: That is lava, it's erupting.

- Thank you, Cara.
- ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

- Portia, Nonno.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Her name's Portia.
- Cara's my granddaughter.

- PORTIA: Hmm.
- Who should be here.

Why isn't she here?

Dad, how many times
do we have to go over this?

Well, she's my granddaughter
and I wanted her here.

It hurts my feelings.

Well, you can tell her your feelings

next time you see her.

What did you do anyway?

What is so bad that you did?

- f*ck.
- Nonno, come on.

Fine. (SNIFFS)

(TOURISTS CHATTERING IN THE DISTANCE)

We're in Sicily. Isn't this incredible?

(SCOFFS)

(SNIFFS, LAUGHS) It... it's so old.

It is pretty crazy
to wrap your head around.

You know, Hades r*ped Persephone
right here in Sicily.

She was picking flowers
and he burst through the earth

- and he r*ped her.
- Okay, Nonno.

Well, that's what happened.
He r*ped her.

Then, he dragged her down
to the underworld.

PORTIA: Hmm. I didn't know that.

Demeter forgave Hades,
and he r*ped her daughter!

I mean, whatever you've done
can't be as bad as that.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

As Hades. And the raping.

- (WAVES CRASHING)
- (WATER BURBLING)

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(SQUAWKS)

(SHRIEKS)

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

Had to do it. Sorry.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)
I thought you were a shark.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, sorry about before, you know?

I didn't mean to make
you feel uncomfortable,

I just... (LAUGHS)

I feel like I keep saying
the wrong thing, you know?

I feel like you don't like me.

I like you. (CHUCKLES) What?

Well, it's just important,
I want you to like us.

I want you to like me.

I like you both. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Definitely.

Good.

All right, I'll leave
you to it. (SCOFFS)

♪ ("UNA NOTTE A NAPOLI"
BY PINK MARTINI PLAYING) ♪

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

(GROANS) Tanya.

(IN ENGLISH) Oh, my God.

GREG: Release your grip a little bit.

Tanya.

- Yeah?
- I can't breathe.

TANYA: We're in like...
in a James Bond movie.

(GROANS)

You're gonna make us crash.

- ♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪
- (CHUCKLES)

- Lucia.
- (LUCIA SIGHS)

(IN ITALIAN)

MIA:

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(GRUNTS IN SURPRISE)

LUCIA:

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

(IN ENGLISH) Tanya, what are you doing?

I got a bug.

- Careful.
- (COUGHS)

(COUGHING)

It's fluttering around in there.

(COUGHS)

You're gonna make us crash.
Be careful. Be careful!

- Tanya!
- (COUGHS)

Tanya. Hold on.

(TANYA COUGHS)

(COUGHS)

(COUGHS)

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

LUCIA, MIA: (IN ITALIAN)

♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪

LUCIA: (LAUGHING)

(GIGGLES, KISSES)

- (GIGGLES)
- Oh!

(AGREES IN ITALIAN)

Okay. (LAUGHS)

MIA:

(REMARKS IN ITALIAN)

(URGES IN ITALIAN)

(MIA AND LUCIA GIGGLING)

Um...

- BARTENDER: Grazie.
- Di niente.

LUCIA: Mm.

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ciao.

Ciao.

Mm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES)

MIA:

Uh...

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

♪ (SOFT PIANO NOTES PLAY) ♪

(SINGING IN ENGLISH)
♪ The moon belongs ♪

♪ To everyone ♪

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ The stars belong to everyone ♪

♪ They gleam there for you and for me ♪

♪ The flowers in Spring ♪

♪ The robins that sing ♪

♪ Sunbeams that shine ♪

♪ They're yours, they're mine ♪

♪ And love can come to everyone ♪

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ The best things in life are free ♪

♪ The best ♪

♪ Things in life ♪

♪ Are ♪

♪ Free ♪

(APPLAUSE)

Brava! Brava, Mia!

- (LAUGHS)
- LUCIA: Bravissima!

- (APPLAUSE STOPS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER RESUMES)

- LUCIA: (IN ITALIAN)
- (MIA LAUGHS)

(LUCIA AND MIA LAUGHING)

- ♪ (JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY)

ALBIE: I think the restaurant's... here.

- This is the spot.
- PORTIA: (CHUCKLES) Right here.

ALBIE: Ciao.

(VESPA ENGINE REVVING)

- I can get that for you.
- Thanks. (CHUCKLES)

- ♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
- Thank you.

Oh, my God.

What?

(SIGHS)

Do you wanna leave?

Should we go?

Oh, there, let me do it.
There we are. There it is.

Okay, thank you.

- (SCOFFS)
- GREG: Okay.

I have to eat. You know, like I...

- ALBIE: Yeah.
- I don't know what she... Ugh.

- Okay.
- ALBIE: Yeah.

Um, but we can just ignore it.

- Okay.
- PORTIA: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

- Cool.
- Yeah. Maybe we could

just get a glass of wine, just...

Yeah, let's get a drink.

- PORTIA: Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
- Okay.

♪ (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Why isn't she responding to me?
It's not like my mom.

Come on, babe. They're...
they're fine, all right?

Relax. Put your phone down.
Drink your wine.

You're right. Okay. They're fine.

How about you guys?
Do you wanna have kids?

Uh...

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- We weren't sure for a while.
- Yeah. We've debated it a lot.

- HARPER: Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

Yeah, you know, just bringing
a kid into the world right now,

everything going on...

- Never mind.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

But we decided that we want to,
so we've been trying.

- CAMERON: Cool.
- Not that hard.

(CHUCKLES) How long
have you been trying?

Oh, I don't know. Not that long.

Problem is I'm more of a morning sex guy

and Harper is not a morning person.

- DAPHNE: Hmm.
- She's a night person.

But by then with work and stuff,
I'm always fried. So...

- DAPHNE: (CHUCKLES) Yeah, makes sense.
- CAMERON: Yeah.

What? Is that not right?

So what you're saying is,
you don't have sex.

(CHUCKLES) No, we have s...
We're good. We're...

- CAMERON: Never have sex.
- We... we have sex.

- CAMERON: Oh.
- No, the sex is amazing.

- CAMERON: Oh. Gotcha.
- Uh-huh.

You know, just not gotten
pregnant yet, is all.

I think it's...

hard to sync up sometimes, you know?

CAMERON: Yeah.

Especially with kids. I mean,
it just gets worse.

I love my kids but it's, you know,

it's very stressful for me.

Not for him, but for me.

What? You kidding me?
The last one almost k*lled me.

Cameron, it didn't almost k*ll you,

it almost k*lled me.

Well, it was a f*cking nightmare.

Yeah, it was. I had to have
an emergency cesarean.

They induced me and then suddenly

they couldn't find
the baby's heartbeat. So...

I walk into the room and
then... (BREATHES DEEPLY)

... Daphne's guts are all over
the table, you know?

And... and they're looking for the baby,

like Daphne looks for something
in her f*cking purse and...

(SIGHS, BREATHES DEEPLY)

Her face. The... (BREATHES DEEPLY)

... look on her face.

It's in those moments
you realize just how much

you love somebody, you know?

I love you. Sweet baby.

♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- Anyway.
- Yeah, anyway. (GROANS)

- Change the subject.
- Everything turned out great.

- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- (LAUGHS)

♪ (MUSIC TURNS TENSE) ♪

Your mistake was being sloppy.

What are we talking about?

BERT: That's what's unforgivable.

A man does what he has to do.

But you keep it tight. If you're sloppy,

it's like you're rubbing
her face in it. Bad form.

Thanks for the tip.

You know, I don't think

you were as discreet
as you think you were

regarding your own affairs.

Affairs. They weren't affairs,
they were nothing.

They were peccadilloes.

Peccadilloes?

Fix it.

(SMACKS LIPS, CLICKS TONGUE)

I don't know if I can.

Of course you can.
Just get your act together.

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

My dad, uh, has cheated on my mom a lot.

- PORTIA: Mm-hmm.
- And he just got caught again.

- ♪ (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Yikes for him.

Yeah. But that's why my mom
and sister aren't here.

They're really pissed.

Are you pissed?

Um...

yeah.

But I'm the peacemaker, so...

Oh.

So you're like
the nice one in the family.

That's sweet.

Are you like that in, um,
relationships and stuff?

Like, are you the "nice guy"?

Yeah. I try to be. Um...

Girls always complain
that guys aren't nice,

but then if they find a nice guy,

they're not always interested.

- PORTIA: Hmm.
- But...

I just don't wanna be like my dad.

You know?

I... I refuse to have a bad
relationship with women.

Yeah.

I just wanna have fun. (CHUCKLES)

ALBIE: Hmm.

PORTIA: Like, I just wanna... (CHUCKLES)

I don't know, feel, like,
fulfilled and have an adventure,

and, like, I'm sick of f*cking TikTok

and... and Bumble, and
just... screens and apps

and sitting there binging Netflix.

And I just... I just wanna, like, live.

I just wanna live my life,
so badly. (CHUCKLES)

I just feel like I just wanna
meet someone who's like,

you know, totally ignorant of...

the discourse. (CHUCKLES) You know?

Right. Right. Like...

like someone who lives in a cave.

Like a caveman.

Yeah, uh, yeah, I would date
a caveman at this point. Yeah.

I mean... (INHALES)
... I think you could aim higher.

Honestly, I think you can
do better than a caveman.

I think I just need to...

I don't know, like, up my meds
or something.

Anyways, um, what about you?

What kind of girl or person
do you wanna, you know,

be in a relationship with
or see yourself with or...

Um...

I seem to be attracted to pretty...

wounded birds.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Got my pasta vongole with giant clams.

And then a Vespa ride with you.

You're wearing the shirt
that I gave you.

You made my Italian dream come true.

Thank you very much.

I feel like Monica Vitti. I really do.

I wanted you to have a perfect day.

Before I told you the news.

What news?

I have to fly to Denver tomorrow.

- (FORK CLINKS AGAINST PLATE)
- What?

It's just for like two, three days.

We're only here for a week. Why?

GREG: They're trying
to slash our budget.

I have to go out there
and have a showdown

with these f*ckers,
and it's just bad timing.

Yeah. But, I mean,
couldn't someone else do it?

You're on vacation.

Yeah. You insisted
that we come to Sicily

and have this romantic week.

And then you... you freaked out

when I showed up with Portia.

But thank God, she's here, you know,

because otherwise I'd be...
I'd be entirely alone.

Tanya, I didn't want this.

Well, can't you just quit

the Bureau of Land Management
bullshit, whatever it is?

I can't quit. I can't afford to quit.

You made me sign a prenup.
What if we don't work out?

If we don't work out,
what am I supposed to do

without a job?

- We're gonna work out, Greg.
- GREG: How do I know?

You change your mind
about everything constantly.

You... you... You drop your friends.

You fire people on a dime.

I mean, you've been through...

How many f*cking assistants
have you been through?

You just discard people.

- You hate me, don't you?
- Shut up. I do not.

- TANYA: No, you do.
- No, I don't.

TANYA: No, I think you do.

You know what? I'm paying attention.

- GREG: Stop. I get it.
- I am paying attention.

- I can tell you don't like me.
- It's two days.

Let's not just go into one
of these big dramas again, okay?

f*ck it, you're not coming back
in two days. You know what?

You're just... you're
a full-of-sh*t man.

You're very insincere.
And I can just tell.

You know what? You never
look me in the eye, ever.

Guess what? I'm telling you in your eye,

you're a piece of sh*t.

(SOBS, CRIES) I hate you.

Come on, Tanya. Tanya!

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

It's always something with them.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)

- ♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
- (WAVES CRASHING)

- PORTIA: Uh, this is my room.
- ALBIE: Oh.

- (CLEARS THROAT) Uh... Listen.
- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Please don't repeat
any of the sh*t that I told you

about my boss and her husband and stuff,

because I actually did sign an NDA

and I'm kinda paranoid about it.

Yeah, I'm gonna tell everyone I know.

- No, I'm just kidding.
- (PORTIA CHUCKLES)

I... Yeah, of course,
I would never do that.

Yeah, it'd be ridiculous
if she actually sued me,

'cause all I have is my laptop

and she has half a billion dollars.

Her dad was this big,
like, shipping magnate guy

and owned like half of San Francisco.

And... and I don't think
he molested her,

but he was definitely
very pervy and inappropriate

and then it was kind of sad.

He actually ended up
committing su1c1de and...

and I'm not supposed to be
telling you that either.

(CHUCKLES)

Um...

can I kiss you?

Oh. Um...

sure.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Um, I guess...

let's hang out tomorrow.

Okay.

Um, good night. Yeah. I had fun.

Fun. Great. Okay.

♪ (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Good night. (CHUCKLES)

Good night.

(CARD READER BEEPS)

- (HARPER EXHALES)
- ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

I'm sorry.

- For what?
- For being a shrew.

I feel like I'm ruining
this trip for everybody.

- No, you're not.
- HARPER: I just...

I don't know what my problem is.

I just feel like... (GRUNTS SOFTLY)

I feel like we're LARPing
as rich people.

We're not LARPing.
How... how are we LARPing?

And I don't know, I guess,
I just don't want him

rubbing off on you.

You know, and I don't like
the way he alpha dogs you.

He doesn't alpha dog me.

I mean, he kind of used to, I guess,

but... it's different now.

Oh, my God, is that why we're here?

So you can rub your success in his face?

- No.
- (GASPS)

So you can finally win
the arm wrestling contest.

No. There is no contest.

Well, whatever. From now on,
I am going to be...

(BREATHES DEEPLY) ... so fun. Okay?

- I promise.
- Okay.

I love you.

I love you.

Do you wanna suck on my tits
or jerk off on my face

- or something? f*ck around?
- (LAUGHS)

I'm kinda b*at.

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Yeah, okay.

(SIGHS)

Ugh. She sucks.

- (DAPHNE LAUGHS)
- Why would he marry her?

- She's pretty.
- CAMERON: Yeah, I guess.

But she's such a pill.

You know, I think some women
cut off their husband's balls

and then they wonder

why they're not attracted
to them anymore.

Yeah. Don't you cut my balls off, baby.

I won't.

That's all I got, sugarplum.

- But you know what?
- CAMERON: What?

- If I wanted to...
- Uh-huh.

... I could.

♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(CAMERON AND DAPHNE KISSING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Buonasera!

Hello.

We had a great day.

We drank by the pool, we had dinner,

and I just wanted to thank you.

You're very welcome.

Um, but listen...

- (BREATHES DEEPLY)
- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

I'm having like a guilty conscience

kind of feeling, you know.

I'm... I'm just not feeling great
about this. Uh, you're lovely.

You don't want me to come in?

DOMINIC: Oh, I really do.
You have no idea.

I have a problem

with sexual addiction and compulsion.

It's a... it's a real issue. And, uh...

I... I really need to
get a handle on it,

like, quickly, if I'm gonna turn
my situation around.

You understand?

I have my friend here, and
she wants to thank you, too.

♪ (MUSIC RESUMES) ♪

- Ciao.
- DOMINIC: Hi.

Thank you for my bikini.

You're welcome.

Sure you don't want us to come in?

- (LUCIA AND MIA CHUCKLING)
- Jeez.

You're making this very hard.

LUCIA: Please.

- (MIA CHUCKLING)
- Oh, Lord.

- LUCIA: Mm. (KISSES)
- Um...

(MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN OVER TV)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Michele...

LUCIA: (IN ENGLISH) Do you like vodka?

Mia, get the vodka.

♪ ("FIGLI DELLE STELLE" BY ALAN SORRENTI
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) ♪

Mm-hmm.

- ♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES MUFFLED) ♪
- (LUCIA AND MIA LAUGHING)

♪ (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(DISTORTED LAUGHTER)

(DISTORTED LAUGHTER)

(MOUNT ETNA ERUPTING)

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

Greg?

Greg?

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

Yeah, she's clueless as usual.

I'll be home tomorrow,
give you a call when I get in.

All right, yeah, I love you too.

♪ (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GREG: And I look forward to it.

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪