01x16 - Still Hairdressing

[bunniefuu]

so you think you got it bad at work my

boss has been all over me since I

changed my greeting from can I help you

to like what you see what burns me is

they're trying to limit the type of

snacks we can have them a work in the

register I mean where I'm from ribs are

a snack right and all this griping about

work is getting me down yeah me too

there are more important things in the

world let's cr*ck about women women I

don't have one comes next yeah I hate

when she wakes me up early on Saturday

to wash the car you know there is a

solution Bergner move out of your mom's

house by your own car gonna have to find

a job and you know I got coupons I think

I'm for you last Saturday I'm on the

couch Judy starts with the blah blah

blah you haven't done anything all day

meanwhile the long has been mowed the

storm windows have been taken down and

the driveways been hosed who do you

think told the kids to do all that me my

wife has sunk into a deep depression I

wasn't done Tim and Judy doesn't she

starts nagging me and nagging me about

put away your smiles boys who comes a

general now

hey guys hope you didn't fill up on

chips and pretzels I picked up a couple

of double meat pizzas to double meat

pizzas that's like a meet each wash it

down I got a 12 pack of beer on the car

it's already cold I'll go get it nothing

about your plan I'll get it well you're

right bill eat more pizza drink more

beer neg got it up a hot woman that does

stuff for you my mom looked like Judy at

merrier you know what I mean yeah that's

the problem okie dokie here's the beer

enjoy believe me Judy's only acting this

way because she wants me to do something

oh and don't forget to turn off the

lights when you're done sweetie and

there it is

[Applause]

I just explodes of laundry I worked all

day I'm exhausted all bill has to do is

pick up dinner on his way sounds fair

you would think so except when he walks

in the door he's carrying one burger

from South I didn't realize that I meant

for me in the kids chips oh my god if I

did that my wife would cr*ck open my

skull and find my brains for dinner not

an option with bill would still be

hungry now look you had quite a week oh

you don't know the half of it on

Thursday the kids oh no more talking

just happy oh wow I had no idea my wife

could make sounds like that

delhi early and that's the sound I'm

used to hearing well so much for me time

look watch your beds under the dryer for

a few minutes and come back and I'll rub

you some more okay you must be built I'm

Gary oh hey Gary Judy says great things

about you Judy says a great many things

about you too oh this place is pretty

fancy for a mall hair salon quite an

operation you got here I'll let my

customers would feel pampered can I

offer you an espresso cappuccino ah

cappuccino so that's how you do it uh

too much jack up these prices cappuccino

play the cookies smelly candle suddenly

you can charge an arm and a leg for a

haircut you got yourself quite a racket

my friend you're calling my business a

racket no no no I'm just saying my

barber cost me six bucks with this card

my tenth cut is free oh wait that's

submarine sandwiches frozen yogurt many

call fast haha yeah look if you look

around you'll find in my prices or more

than fair oh don't get me wrong i think

you're brilliant you can get people to

pay these prices more power to you buddy

ripoff artist no I don't mean it in a

bad way what do you think about it you

got a never-ending line of morons coming

in here with too much money in their

pocket I've been trying to make an

appointment with Gary for the past three

weeks well that's what you said last

time well maybe I do have to use this

tone of voice and you could lose the

accent you're not to be from tele your

Debbie's skokie can't believe it I still

can't get an appointment I'm sorry to

hear that honey so strange like ever

since I was there but Gary's mad at me

or something well if he is mad at you I

can assure you it was nothing I said oh

my god what did you say it's possible

that he took the words ripoff artists

the wrong way you called him a ripoff

artist now I'll never take me back why

don't you just go to a different

hairdresser do you have any idea how

hard it is to find a good hairdresser

hey let's see city of Chicago

hairdressers oh well you know there's

like a 120 thousand of them oh yeah

there's only one gear oh I beg to differ

right here hair by Gary and hey it's in

the town and country mall the same place

is your old hair Oh what's going on your

father got me kicked out of my

hairdressers oh my god what's the big

deal there's like a thousand didn't

there have been there been there

you messed us up you gotta go apologize

oh forget it Judy I am not apologizing

Bill Miller does not go to a hairdresser

with his tail between his legs I am the

man of the house and that's the way it's

gotta be in fact there's a few more

things I gotta say to you but i can't

say i'm in front of the kids now kids

upstairs you going to apologize oh yeah

hey Gary how's it going buddy you

probably don't remember me your bill

nulla you told me my business was a

racket and I'm a ripoff artists oh you

are the sharpest pair of scissors in

here my friend I am NOT your friend oh

yeah about that you know I'm a teaser

that's what I do but you should know one

thing I only tease you because I hate me

I'm working on it so so why don't you

let my wife come back here will let

bygones be bygones and go our separate

ways what's this a little something for

you you're bribing me with a sandwich

cart seven out of nine punches Bon

Appetit I don't think so now if you'll

excuse me I have customers waiting Wow

only $75 how much to pay for the farmer

you visited me look at you you look 29

again I'm 25 well when you are 29 you'll

still be wearing this haircut because

it'll never go out of style

you know you're a real charmer why don't

you come home with me tonight and tell

my wife she's gone when I came in here

the other day I acted like a jerk I said

some stupid things and I ruined

something really special for my wife and

I'm sorry you should be sorry I worked

my butt off to build this business I

work even harder to keep my clients

happy I understand that now and again

I'm really sorry well it does take a big

man to come in here and apologize I am a

big man so what do you say we get you

tea better than appointments luck great

thanks Gary how does a week from

Saturday sounds I was like I'm sleeping

indoors tonight oh whoa what are you

doing my god your hair is bone-dry kind

of conditioner to use I don't need

conditioner well tell that to your hair

follicles of course they won't hear you

let you dry and because their hair

follicles come on I'm done for the day

I'm going to give you a conditioning

treatment you'll see the difference guys

I can't let you walk out of here looking

like that people might think I did it

Harry really very kind of on me

[Laughter]

man this is great you know you should

get some little teeny donuts to dunk in

here oh oh okay you're rubbing me you

know you really don't need to kind of

tight back there you can't lot of stress

in your life yeah works been kind of

lousy lately do you don't want to hear

about oh you go ahead that's what I'm

here no I don't want to be one of those

people who just sits in the chair and

whines about their problems it's just

that my boss has really been riding me

now he's trying to stick me with a

crappy shift oh there's not as any

indication you are seriously being

mistreated my friend obviously you

deserve better when can I see you again

hey Ronnie it's brian miller from

english class really i found an older on

the phone why thank you Brian can you

help me with these groceries hang on a

second money well I can't now I'm

talking to a girl Oh hope I don't say

something embarrassing about the little

boy are you saying all right all right

Oh groceries would follow me Tina what

are you doing fine I can do a girl you

know that's not nice it's a private

phone conversation you're bringing her

Apollo to me I can hear you breathing

Tina go to your room your big trouble

hey no honey Post Kari good real good

you're on for a week from Saturday thank

you so much don't mention it you know

Gary is a great guy we got the talking

we bonded a little he gave me a free

shampoo he gave you a shampoo that sends

out my hair is dry that's why it's hard

to control yeah looks like a bunch of

them have run away from home Ruby can

you not stress me out I just had a rub

and I'm hoping it'll take he gave you a

rug too hey says I hold a lot of tension

in my neck well um she's got me back in

oh I got you back in your appointments

at ten minds at eleven so we could go

together

you're going back yeah Gary says I need

a trim he didn't have time but what

about the cut hide in your punch card

Gary says you buy cheap you get cheap

bill don't take this the wrong way but

Gary's my hairdresser you know when i

get my hair done that's my Judy time

it's my one time a month that I have to

myself 00 to get away from your family

yes god yes and I don't want to share it

with you who I love well uh what about

my bill time your whole life is built

time why don't I just move my

appointment up a week I'll call my day

you born your day everybody's happy

right I guess I'll work great no what

are you doing I think mine's a little

softer Judy then the guy said to the

genie what the hell is this and the

genie says my mistake I thought you

wanted a 12-inch pianist bill told me

that last week what he was in here that

is a great joke you know speaking of

Bill he completely forgot to pick up

lauren at the mall yeah he told me that

too what an idiot huh well actually he

said you forgot to ask him to pick her

up that's not true i asked them for left

for work then I'm sure you do you bet I

did but it is possible you forgot right

i mean people do forget yes it is

possible

look I'm not taking any song shut me

down and blow me out Eddie I don't see

electricity work well it's really very

simple Tina but first let me ask you a

question would you rather know how

electricity works or have a brand new

cool whistle directivity that was close

you have to stop seeing him Oh Gary my

hairdresser you told them online stories

stories stories picking up the kids

story the laundry story the shower

misunderstanding and your way from the

mall around so you look right and I look

wrong oh I see what this is all about

you want Gary all to yourselves so you

can talk smack about me and he'll take

your side you're damn right I do Julie I

am appalled oh like you never talks to

me about me with your poker buddy okay

fine fine you don't trust me or our

relationship I'll call Carl myself hey

Carl bill do I talk smack about Judy

have I ever said one negative thing

about my beloved wife Judy at a poker

game no thanks give me that Carl it's

not even Carl can I please have one

private conversation with this girl all

right all right fine maybe I talked

about you a little but everyone does

that all the guys do it that's what

poker is for exactly my point in a good

marriage everybody needs it out you

poker I've Gary what are me hanging

around with your poker buddies would ya

I'm not sure that they'd want to Judy I

haven't exactly painted the prettiest

picture of you know proms new stop

seeing gear okay I promise Thank You

billet need a lot to me oh I'm gonna

miss him some problems at work he was

helping me sort out Phillip you're

having problems at work talk to me on

your wife I don't know Jude no come on

Captain well it's just

like my supervisors out to get me mm-hmm

last week he took the microwave out of

the break room you know I like my cup of

noodles around three o'clock there's

another microwave down to the loading

dock but then the guys down there make

fun of me calling me cup of noodles he

told you to suck it up yeah the rest of

the day she was calling me cup of

noodles you should turn you dad so

obviously supervisors out to get you I

know but Judy says it's no big deal and

I should pick my battles pick your

battles you work your butt off at that

store oh no I know Oh Oh careful I think

Judy did some damage back there I love

her but she's got hands like a lobster

hey Guerra speaking of Judy I almost

forgot would you mind not telling her I

was here why well she sort of made me

promise to stop seeing here ah I don't

know bill Judy's been a loyal customer

for a lot of years I feel uncomfortable

lying to her she's been a loyal wife for

a lot of years I'd do it all the time

thank you my hot towel hey what if she

finds out how she gonna find out this is

a nice beer stein maybe I should get one

of these fulfilled do you really think

bill needs a fancy mug I mean I've seen

him drink beer from his two cupped hands

haga smell the salon you go to yep maybe

I should pick up some condition along

here okay look that guy getting a shave

is the same ugly shoes and spill oh yeah

that guy we bigger than bill all right

all right quit begging I won't tell her

thanks ma'am for the tile to go off year

you know what I don't need conditioner

let's go to Berenson oh wait let me set

you check yeah

home feels heavenly okay bill try not to

move it this thing's awfully sharp just

close your eyes and relax hey Gary I got

a little itch on my nose with you

scratch it for me gain I've been going

to Gary for nine years you've been there

like twice yeah yeah thanks to you he'll

only see one of us now it should be me

cuz i didnt start the hot foam fight

thing is your fault and I can't blame

Gary for not wanting to get in the

middle of it I need Gary cuz I need

someone to listen to my problems of work

not just telling me to suck it up oh for

God's sake still it was a cup of noodles

which was very important to me well this

is so stupid Gary as a hairdresser and

since I have more here I guess well Gary

says my hair is at a crisis point it's

very very dry really a crisis point that

sounds serious let me feel never mommy's

just that monetary Judy we should just

calm down and never let go sorry we're

in the wrong house hi Brian Huskey body

are you doing Bill Miller hi

maybe we should study some other time

Brian but if we don't barnea why still

this is crazy we need to figure out how

to solve this like adults you thinking

what I'm thinking so we're not having a

pie-eating contest okay fine you got a

better idea I know we'll have a trivia

contest okay what's my favorite kind of

pie bill that's not trivia okay 1982

what was my favorite kind of pot give it

up Phil we're not even pie poker night

who's ready to be the big blues I said

the man who lives with his mother it

will cut cards we got cars we got

witnesses won't hard hike up wins okay

fine did we come to the middle of ladies

first okay but I'll go first one I Jack

buta BB could she be any hotter no sir

she could not ah damn it looks like I

b*at you with my kid right bill ways the

king pull the king oh yeah bill tell me

you want a hairdresser named Gary

I can explain so how long did it take

his friends to stop laughing at about a

half hour you're not gonna let us forget

about it for a long time well at wedge

one thick neck of his with hell on my

fingers close your eyes we're lessons

excuse me you're a guy named Gary hair

cuts hair is really good neck rubs wait

a minute this isn't a sporting goods

store you sure this is okay technicality

she said you couldn't give me a rub she

said nothing about me given your room so

anyway I'm down in the loading dock this

guy's take it forever

[Music]