06x14 - Father, the Naturalist (Flashback)

[bunniefuu]

- Here are Robert Young and Jane Wyatt

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray, and Lauren Chapin.

In Father Knows Best.

- Daddy, as long asyou're not working today

would you drive me

- What do you mean not working?

- I mean, not at the office.

Would you drive me down to the library?

- Oh now, Kay.

- And help me find some junk on the Louisiana Purchase?

- I can't go now, Kathy,

I'm right in themiddle of this wax job.

But, now maybe if you'dpitch in and help me.

- Oh no you don't.

You're just tryin' to stall me off.

Fine father you are.

- Oh don't step down.

I just waxed that.

- What is this, National Wax Week?

(audience laughs)

- I thought you went to the library.

- Dad wouldn't take me.

- Oh you can walk that.

- But I wanted him to help me.

But oh no, he's too busy.

He's always too busy to help me.

- Why I'm ashamed of you.

He's spent half his life helping you, seems to me.

- When?

Name one time.

- I could name hundreds of times.

One, in particular.

Which'd put you in his debt for the rest of your life.

That unforgettable wild root hunt.

- Wild root hunt?

- Surely you remember that.

About five years ago?

You still belonged to the Little Squaws.

- Well, I remember the Little Squaws, but ...

- You needed to complete some kind of nature folders

in order to be promotedto Tribal Princess.

You had everything but five kinds of wild edible plants.

And the worst of it was, you were up against a deadline.

You needed them right that night.

So, naturally, you turned to your father.

In fact, you even phonedhim at his office.

- Can do what, Kitten?

Find five wild plants I can eat?

I don't want to eat any wild plants.

Oh, well I don't know.

I have an awful lot of work to do here.

- But Daddy, you know somuch about wild things.

And besides, our leaderMrs Davies understands

that you're going to help me.

- Just where did Mrs Davies get an idea like that?

- Uh, from me.

- Kathy, how many times have I told you

not to make promises unless you talk to me first.

- Well, will you Daddy, huh?

Yes, I understand, Daddy.

Goodbye.

- Kathy, I'm ashamed of you.

You shouldn't ask your father to do things like that.

He has enough to do trying to make a living for us.

What'd he say?

- He said he had much too much work to do,

and couldn't be bothered.

He'll be here.

(audience laughs)

(playful instrumental music)

- So, you got all dressed for the wild root hunt,

and while you werewaiting for your father

another problem started developing.

- Want one? - Thanks.

Betty came in the living room dragging a piece of plywood.

- All I'm asking him to do is cut out

this little stick of wood for me.

The pattern's drawn right on it for him, see?

- But mom.

- That's absolutely all.

Just cut it out and makea valance box so I can

hang the new curtainsI'm making for my room.

That's all, but will he lift a finger?

No.

- Why don't you do it, Bud?

- Mom, you don't understand.

- It'll take you about two seconds

on that circular saw of yours, or whatever it is.

- Circular saw?

You couldn't do a job like that on a circular saw.

I suppose you think you cut circles

with a circular saw.

You probably think you cut chains with a chainsaw

or prunes with a pruning saw.

She thinks you cut upmen with a two-man saw.

- Bud, what kind of saw would it take to do this job?

- Well it'd take a band saw or a jig saw.

- And what kind is that in the basement?

- A jigsaw.

(audience laughs)

- Well, how about using it?

- Mom, I haven't got time.

Do you know what I've got to do tonight?

I've gotta take this reel all apart,

every piece, wash it in kerosene, dry it,

put in new lubricant, put it all back together,

put on new four-pound monofilament line.

- Why?

- Why?

Why, because me and Claude are going bass fishin'

in the morning, that's why.

- Oh I'm glad to find that out,

because that brings up another little matter.

If you're going to be gone, when are you going to

do your Saturday chores?

When are you going to clean your room?

- I'll do it twice as good next Saturday.

- Oh no, it's already twice as dirty right now.

You'll do it tonight.

- What is this, aconspiracy or something?

I thought the Bill of Rights gave a man

a liberty to pursue happiness so he could live a little.

What am I, a constitutional pawn to be moved about

the chessboard of life accordingto everybody else's whims?

- Alright, Patrick Henry.

- No one's depriving you of your rights.

If you clean your room tonight, you'll be

at liberty tomorrow to pursue all the bass you want.

- I'll have to stay up all night.

- Well as long as you're gonna be up all night anyway,

then why don't you take this down in the basement

and saw it.

- Are you crazy?

- Let me make a suggestion.

Becky, why don't youhelp Bud clean his room?

And then he'll havetime to do your sawing.

- Clean his room?

When will I have time?

I still have to make thecurtains, and take them

- Alright, alright,it's just a suggestion.

- Besides, even if I did do that,

what insurance do I have he'd still build the valance box?

The only way I'd go into that is if he'd build it first.

- Oh sure, I work my head to the bone

building it and then she comes up with a thousand excuses

why she can't help me.

Big deal.

- This is a fine benevolent spirit you two are displaying.

Do unto others, but don't doit until they've done unto you,

and then try to get out of doing unto them, is that it?

- Well if he done unto me this little bit of sawing.

- How long do you think our marriage would've lasted

if your father and I harbored such attitude to one another.

- Well, that's different, Bud and I aren't married.

- Oh what a revolting thought that is.

(audience laughs)

- Oh Father, I'm glad you're home.

- Daddy, you made it, I knew you would!

- Yes, I made it, but now thanks to you

I have to work all day Saturday.

- Well come on, let's go.

- Wait, Kitten, give me a moment to change my clothes

and catch my breath.

- Father, if someone asked you to saw a little

- Dad, if you want to go fishingand several sl*ve drivers

- Whoa, whoa, hold it.

If this is an argument I don't want to get into it.

I'm tired and I'm wearyand I have a date to go

wild root hunting witha certain little Squaw.

- That's me.

- If it's at all possible I would like

to say hello to my wife.

(audience laughs)

Hello Wife.

- How do you do, Sir?

(kisses)

Oh, you look tired.

Are you sure you want to gocrawling through the underbrush?

- No I don't.

Tell me is this trip necessary?

- Well

- Oh yes, Daddy, it's awful necessary.

We have to go tonight.

The pow wow's tomorrow morning.

- Oh?

- If we don't go, this home won't have

a Tribal Princess in it.

- I see.

Well, we certainly can't have a situation like that.

Here, you take these while I go up and slip on

my root and wild plant hunting suit.

- How about a smallsandwich before you go?

- A small sandwich, whatkind of talk is that?

What about a big sandwich?

(audience laughs)

- Father, could I speak to you alone?

- Dad can I talk to you in private?

- Look I am well aware that each of you have a problem,

an important problem,

and evidently these areconflicting problems,

but somehow I am confident that you will be able

to find a happy solution.

Because of your native intelligence,

your good judgment, your wisdom, knowledge, et cetera.

(audience laughs)

- Wanna make a bet on that?

- Lotta help he is.

Just like his son, tries to crawl out of everything, ha!

(playful flute music)

- Huh. - Oh!

- How long do you think you'll be gone?

Should we wait dinner?

- Oh no, I wouldn't wait.

It's a little after four now,

it'll be : by the time we get back.

Save something for us.

- Well, this ought to keep you going

until you find some wildplants to nibble one.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, Squaw, let's hit the road.

We haven't much daylight left.

- I'm coming.

I'm just waiting for you, let's go.

- Hey wait a minute, where's your cap?

It's going to be chillybefore you come home.

- Oh yeah, I forgot that.

- Have you everything you need now?

What about the folder?

Don't you have to put the plants in that?

- Gotta have that.

- I'm sure you'd forget your head if it wasn't fastened on.

Well, don't stay out long.

Hurry back. - We will.

(upbeat music)

- Giddy up, come one, giddy up.

- Wait, wait I think yourhorse has giddied his last yup.

Let's stop and rest a while.

- Why rest?

I'm not a bit tired.

- You will be by the time you carry me back to the car.

(audience laughs)

Haven't we got enough plants?

How many varieties do you need?

- Five, I think.

- Oh surely we have that many.

Let's take an inventory.

- I'm sure it's five.

Everything else in here is five.

See here, five rock specimens,

five different kinds of tree bark,

five wildflowers.

- Okay here's a good one to start with.

Where do you want me to paste it?

- Daddy I already got the wildflowers.

I need stuff you can eat, not flowers.

- Well this is something you can eat, or it will be.

In the summer these blossoms will become wild strawberries.

- They will? - Uh-huh.

Now where do you want it?

- Oh right here I guess.

You can make tea out of the leaves, too.

You dry them, wash them, pour boiling water on them,

stir 'em up, add a little sugar, and you have some tea.

It's not bad.

Not good, but not bad.

(audience laughs)

Here's something you'll recognize.

You've seen it in a thousand salads.

- Mayonnaise?

- No, watercress.

Here, taste it.

- Oh I wouldn't want to eat any of these old weeds.

- Well, why not?

That's the idea, isn't it?

To find things you can eat.

Fine Indian you'd make.

You'd starve to death your first day in the woods.

(audience laughs)

Well, where do you want it?

- They just said we had to find the stuff,

not actually eat it.

- Well that's the wrong attitude.

You're trying to learn things you can actually use.

Ahh, cattails.

You know what to do with this?

- Sure, throw it away.

- You cook these tender young sh**t like asparagus,

and you bake the roots.

You clean them and wrapthem in wet leaves,

and put 'em right in the coals.

It's not bad.

- Daddy, how come you know so much?

- Oh, I'm just naturallybrilliant, I guess.

Probably one of the smartest men in the whole world.

- Well, Daddy, if you're sosmart how come you're not rich?

(audience laughs)

- Well I'll tell you, I am rich.

But my wealth is all in cattails, wild strawberries,

and little Squaws.

Ooh, wait a minute, look whydon't we just take these plants

home and do our pasting and labeling there where it's

warm and comfortable andwe can eat our dinner.

I'm starved.

- Daddy, I'm with you.

- We know we've got more than we need.

Mustard greens, milkweed,sheep's sorrel, miner's lettuce.

We're loaded.

- Yeah, we're loaded.

Bend down, horsey.

(groans)

(upbeat instrumental music)

Yah, boy!

- It was dark by the time you two got home that evening.

You were both pretty tired, at least your father was.

But you had a big arm load of weeds.

- Weeds!

- Oh that is, edible plants.

- We got 'em, Mommy, we're loaded.

Guess what I'll be by tomorrow?

- Guess what I'll be by tonight: dead.

- I'll be a Tribal Princess.

- I saved you somedinner; are you hungry?

- How could we be hungry with our arms

full of delicious cattail roots.

I'm starved.

- I've got to get this stuff pasted in my folder

and get it over to MrsDavies house right away,

so don't go away Daddy.

- I won't, I just want to collapse.

- Where'd you put the folder?

- I didn't put it anywhere.

Didn't you bring it in?

(sighs)

Oh, what do we have here?

Wild edible spinning reel gears?

- Oh, just cleaning 'em up, Dad.

Getting her in shape.

- He's been getting her in shape for the last two hours.

Deliberately stalling around so he won't

have to do me this one tiny little favor.

- Now wait, before yougo talking about favors.

Who was asked to help clean up who's room

and who wouldn't lift who's little finger, huh?

Who, who?

- There's an owl loose around here.

- Now listen, you're notto bother your father

with any more of this nonsense.

Bud, if you want to gofishing, clean your room first.

Betty, if you want Budto build you valance box

help him clean hisroom, it's that simple.

Bud, will you please clear this junk away

so I can set the table?

- But Mom, I'm right in the middle.

- Now, I want it done now.

Here, put these on whenhe takes his things off.

- Father could I see you alone?

- [Margaret] No he can't.

(audience laughs)

- Daddy!

Daddy, I can't find thefolder, it's not there.

- [Jim] Oh it must be.

- I looked everywhere; it's not there.

- Oh Kathy, don't tell me you've lost that

after all the trouble your father went to.

- Oh it's not possible to lose a thing that big.

You must've put it in the car.

Did you put it in the back seat or the front seat?

- I didn't put it any place,

I thought you put it in the car.

- Oh me, I know exactly where it is.

Lying on the ground where we made that last stop.

- Well, come on we gotta go back.

- You can't go back.

It's dark now, pitch black.

Why you couldn't find it if you did go back.

- Kitten, that'sa good miles.

- Well I've just gotta have it, I just gotta.

- Oh Kathy, if you could only look after your things,

not leave them lying around.

- But Mommy, don't you understand?

I won't get promoted tomorrow.

I won't be a princess.

- Well, you can't go back; it's impossible.

I'll call Mrs Davies and explain it to her.

- Sure you've got most of the wild plants right here.

- But all the rest of mystuff is in the folder.

My tree barks, my rock specimens, my flowers.

I've just gotta turn it in tonight.

- Now Kathy, we're doing all we can.

I told you I'd call Mrs Davies.

- Well call her, call her.

- Kathy, don't push me.

- (sighs) What a day.

- Hurry up, start dialing.

- I have to find the number first.

- There isn't time for that.

(phone rings)

Don't answer it; don't get the phone tied up.

- Hello?

Oh hello Mrs Davies, I was just trying to call you.

Well that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.

She doesn't have the folder right now.

Well, they did go out, but somehow the folder got lost.

But I can vouch for their finding the plants.

My sink is full of them.

- Unfortunately, Mrs Anderson, we have to turn the folders

in to the council and they pass on the promotions.

It's out of my hands.

- Isn't there anything we can do?

Write a statement?

Get it notarized?

I see, oh I don't blameyou; it's our fault.

Well, thanks anyway.

Goodbye.

- That's a dirty shame.

(slow instrumental music)

- Do you suppose I oughtto drive back out there

and try to find that darn thing?

- How could you?

You couldn't find it in the dark, it'd be impossible.

- Yeah.

- Actually we should look upon this as a good object

lesson for Kathy.

I doubt if she's ever careless again

and leaves her things lying around.

- Yeah, there's no better way to learn than the hard way.

I guess.

- She'd fallen asleep with her clothes on.

I finally got her undressed and put her to bed.

She still didn't want anything to eat.

Oh, now, darling.

Stop worrying about this.

There's nothing you can do about it.

Worrying is not going to produce the folder.

- It would've been so easy for me to have said,

Kathy have you got the folder?

One simple, logical little question would've avoided

all this heartbreak for Kathy.

Why didn't I ask it?

- Oh now don't start blaming yourself.

- You'd think after allthe trouble we went to,

tramping around in the weeds.

Boy I ought to have my head examined.

- Oh now Jim stop it.

Why don't you go tobed and get some sleep.

You're tired; that's what you need.

- Yeah.

- [Margaret] And as for Kathy,

there'll be another powwow in six months.

She can get a promotion then.

- Six months?

To a child that's an eternity.

Why didn't I just look around?

I would've seen it lying there.

- [Margaret] Jim, stop it.

- What time tomorrow is this powwow thing?

- [Margaret] Well, that's the trouble.

It's early in the morning.

Kathy'd have to leavehere by : to make it.

- That doesn't give a guy any time.

- Mommy, I can't sleep, Mommy.

- Well, you get back into bed and close your eyes,

and the first thing you know you'll be sound asleep again.

- No I won't.

Mrs Davies' voice keeps me awake.

I keep hearing her call off my name,

but nobody's there to answer.

- Well, you get back into bed

and I'll fix you something good and hot

and that'll helpyou sleep again.

- I'm gonna burn up my Little Squaws uniform,

and I hate Mrs Davies.

- Oh Kathy, now it's nother fault; it's yours.

- Look, Kitten, maybe I have one more idea.

I'll get up at daybreak and drive out

and see if I can find that doggone folder.

- Oh daddy, would you?

- Now remember, I might not find it,

so don't get your hopes too high.

- Oh Jim, that'sasking too much of you.

You have to work in the morning.

- Yes, but if I don't do it

I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I'll go down and fix that hot drink, because I need one.

- He's a nice fella, isn't he?

- Yeah, he's a nice fella.

Too nice for his own good.

(mellow instrumental music)

(saw buzzing)

- Bud, what are you doing down there this time of night?

(audience laughs)

Bud, shut that off!

- Oh, it's not Bud, it's me.

How do you work this silly thing?

I keep thinking it's gonna strike back.

- Well if it doesn't I will.

This is no time to be taking up carpentry.

You ought to be in bed.

- I could be in bed now if it wasn't for that old Bud.

I thought he'd hear me struggling with this thing

and come down and take pity on me, but oh no.

- Maybe he's waiting foryou to take pity on him

and help with his room.

- Come on, let's get to bed.

- Oh alright.

I could be caught in aburning room and nobody

in this family would so much as throw me

a marshmallow to roast.

(audience laughs)

- Doesn't anybody go tobed around here anymore?

- Oh I am, I'm justorganizing my tackle box

for the trip tomorrow.

- Isn't there something you have to do before you go

on that little trip?

- Yes, how about that?

And why didn't you comedown in the basement

when you heard me down there practically lacerating myself?

You have all the gallantry of an African warthog.

- Oh yeah?

- You have all the savoir faire of a philistine.

- Oh ...

Is that bad or good?

(audience laughs)

- It isn't good, and she may be right.

- Well that goes doublefor you, whatever it is.

I didn't see you running up to my room

with a vacuum cleaner.

- Certainly not, we don't want anyone around here

helping anyone else; you're learning well.

Don't ever, under any circumstances,

don't ever help the other guy.

Now go on to bed, both of you.

(subdued instrumental music)

Wait a minute, what did I ...

Oh yeah, the hot drink.

(thunder clapping)

(clock ticking)

(wind blowing)

(subdued instrumental music)

- Jim, what are you doing?

- Nothing, I just

- Oh no, you can't.

It's the middle of the night.

Listen to that.

- Honey, if I don't get out there before it starts to rain

that folder'll be ruined.

Soaked beyond repair.

- I know, but ...

Well what about you?

You'll be soaked beyond repair too.

- Not if I hurry.

- [Margaret] Jim, you just ...

Why?

- Oh honey, don't ask me to explain this.

But there are times whena guy has to do certain

senseless things and theonly reason is he just

knows he has to do them, that's all.

Now honey, don't tryto talk me out of this.

- Well, you want something hot before you go, don't you?

- Oh, yeah.

(storm blowing)

(thunder clapping)

(rain falling)

- For heaven's sakes, have you lost your mind completely?

You're surely not goingfishing in this weather.

- Why not?

It's clear enough, and right after rain's

the best time to go fishing.

Don't you know anything?

- What about your room?

- That's my businessI'll take of my own way.

- Don't start that again.

And please don't wake your father,

he needs his sleep badly.

- Dad's not asleep, Ma, I was just up in his room.

- Shhh.

(quiet instrumental music)

- You and dad had a fight, huh Mom?

(audience laughs)

- What happened?

Why's he sleeping here?

- For a reason neitherof you would understand.

Never in a thousand years.

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Kathy's folder.

You mean he drove all the way out there,

in the middle of the night?

- In the rain?

Boy, he must have rocks in his head.

(audience laughs)

What's Kathy got on him anyway?

(audience laughs)

- I'm not going to answer any of your questions.

This is the kind of thing you either understand

or you don't.

And you two are evidently the kind who don't.

(instrumental music)

- Did Daddy go out in the country and ...

(playful instrumental music)

Oh he found it, he found it!

Oh Daddy, Daddy.

Oh you're the loveliest thing in the whole world.

- Oh, did you wake meup just to tell me that?

- Oh Kathy, I didn't want you to awaken your father.

- It's alright honey, Ihave to get up anyway.

(groans)

- Oh I'll help you, Daddy.

- Oh, I can do it myself.

(saw buzzing)

Is Betty fooling aroundwith that saw again?

She'll hurt herself.

- It isn't Betty, it's Bud.

I think he's decided to postpone his fishing trip

and do a little carpentry for Betty.

- No.

(vacuum cleaner running)

Betty?

In Bud's room?

How do you figure them?

One minute they're fighting like cats and dogs,

and the next minute, out of the blue,

they're knocking themselves out helping each other.

(laughs)

How do you figure that?

- They picked up an idea from a man

who has rocks in his head.

(audience laughs)

So don't ever let me hear you say that your father

never does anything for you.

And from now on let's go easy

on asking him to do so many things.

Okay?- Okay.

(humming)

Are you throughwashing the car, Daddy?

- Kathy!

- No I'm not, I just came in to get a drink of water.

- Well good, I'll go upstairs and change my clothes

and I'll help you.

- What?

You're gonna help me?

- Yup.

- But just a few minutes ago when I asked you to help

you backed off as though I had asked you

to jump off a cliff.

(audience laughs)

What happened?

- Oh, since then I picked up a new idea.

From a man with rocks in his head.

(applause)

(upbeat instrumental music)