hey daddy oh crap you want money what
please that's the only time anybody in
this house calls me daddy including your
mother you honestly think that people in
this family are only nice to each other
when they want money hey bry bry dad I
don't have any money fine but I am
warning you these old clothes are
starting to get really tight and soon my
shirts won't even cover my midriff
what's a midriff something private and
shameful that should remain a secret
forever like the time you found a cake
on the porch you need it exactly you
won't give your little princess any
money that's not the daddy that I used
to know ah I can't resist there you go
here's some money wait you're just gonna
pull it away why would I do that because
that's what you always do princess I
wouldn't do that to you you promise I
promise you promise I promise Oh 22
you
[Applause]
[Music]
Bill's request for payment invoice how
come nothing good ever comes in the mail
my teacher said his wife came in the
mail I'm his salary good for him the
port cards are here this is a very big
day for you kids you know your mom and I
place a very high value on your
education oh my god grand opening of
Silvio's Italian beef Bell what about
the report cards oh okay Brian excellent
work Loren we're very disappointed in
you said you've all earned yourselves
one free beef when you buy one at
regular price see here Lorne I am
impressed you really brought up your
grades keep this up line you might end
up waiting tables that are placed with
tablecloths well maybe one day you'll
eat there with all of your friend so dad
since i got such good grades of semester
i thought maybe you could toss me some
money for some new clothes i gave you 40
bucks last week you spent it all on that
ratty t-shirt stop ratty it's vintage
vintage that shirts vintage i should
start making wine out of my underwear
all right just puked a little born if
you like vintage clothes I got a box old
stuff in the Attic oh great I get to
wear your moldy old clothes maybe for
dinner I can just pick through the
garbage I'll try the neighbors first aid
healthier than us
[Laughter]
and now for the easy kid Miller Brian a
in econ gentlemen a in English
cannerelli yet dad that second word is
the teachers last name ah and that would
explain French ho try rosette why didn't
you tell me you were taking drivers at
this semester I didn't think you Ryan as
a diligent student but needs more
confidence behind the wheel will turn
that around I'm gonna get you some
practice time dad I don't need to
practice you kidding this will be great
Miller man have been teaching their sons
how to drive for centuries centuries
well you know chariots and crafts
besides I've been looking forward to
this ever since we built that model
mustang and blew it up with firecrackers
you blew up my motto Mustang I don't
remember yep I'd rather wait somewhere
to get my license I think it's a lot
more important to focus on my studies
than to go out joyriding you take that
back this is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity here you have an early
birthday you're gonna be 16 before most
of your class it means for a few
precious weeks you'll be the guy who has
what every teenage girl dreams of a way
to get away from her family
a lot of middle aged girls dream of that
too they start tonight's I don't want to
bother you dad you probably got a lot to
do let me take a look at my schedule we
got nothin till Thanksgiving keep dinner
warm tonight's the night my boy becomes
a man ah rubbing action rub it up okay
son your lipsticks fine let's go the
book says Brian Brian Brian forget about
the book there isn't a book in the world
that can teach you how to drive unless
they made a book out of Cannonball Run
which I don't think they did because I
would have heard about it put her in
Reverse
all right there you go now it says good
to be cautious but you don't want to be
too cautious a lot of people out there
who aren't as patient as me now the
lights changing g*n it g*n it whoo oh
god just messing with yourself can't cut
it out I'm trying to dry well if you
drive any slower we'll have to put roses
on the car and enter it is a float now
where should we go okay turn left up
here I'll show you where we used to go
parking in high school you mean parking
parallel parking oh you can start off
parallel but the goal is to get
horizontal okay turn left
and that was a very smooth turn when
you're in a smaller car you're gonna
want to bank that left really hard so
the little lady in the passenger seat
falls into your lap actually dad on a
left turn centrifugal force would
actually in the passenger away from the
driver now it'll really lead them away
all that science talk yeah you just let
me draw sure thing you're the driver I'm
just here to observe
[Music]
so there I was secretly wrapping his
birthday present when he just pushes
open the bedroom door and ruins his
surprise now I have to get him a whole
different sweater do cats even like
sweaters you are in luck i found my box
of old clothes in the attic oh why are
you taking out your old clothes well I
thought instead of Lauren paying a lot
of money for fake stuff from the 70s I'd
give her a bunch real stuff from the 70s
whoo smells like some good stuff from
the 70s what is that smell incense hey
this is actually cool cheap trick my
first concert I can't believe I still
have this can I have it sure know which
one's gonna hear hang on hang on ACDC
gotta keep that one Errol Smith not a
chance oh are you Speedwagon intensity
intensity man intensity in 10 cities I
never got that one before must burn all
that innocent oh hey keep digging if you
come across anything that's clam punk or
haulin oats it's yours oh it was great
he was a little stiff at first but we're
working on that right champ you bet dad
would you teach taught him how to cruise
we hit the drive-thru what Silvio's got
an Italian beef then we worked on some
doughnuts powdered and lon I gotta tell
you I felt great to pass on something to
my son other than my rugged good looks
and these dainty little dancers feet
good for you honey just think one day
our sons gonna be in the car with a girl
making out and he'll be thinking of me
you know what I mean
so it sounds like you and your dad had a
great time yeah I think it's wonderful
when you guys you know I hate it I had a
feeling he's totally impatient you know
how he gives you didn't teach me
anything O'Brien I'm sure he taught you
something no I did learn how to
three-point turn but that was only so we
could go back to Silvio's for extra
peppers oh goody it should be a fun
night for me I can't learn with him mom
he barks orders and it makes me nervous
can you take me driving well can you
just give him another chance it means so
much to him I know but I hate it I'm not
getting in another car with dad so
either you teach me how to drive or
drive me everywhere for the rest of my
life oh that's a lot of listening to NPR
okay fine you know but I don't want to
hurt your father's feelings can't find
out about this which is gonna be very
difficult because your father's a very
astute man honey where's the remote did
you check under you thank you I'm
guessing we'll be okay
[Music]
that was so awesome you are such a
better teacher than dad thank you so
much oh you don't have to thank me just
remember when you're taking care of your
father me when we're really old I eat
first ah Brian my firstborn son heir to
all my estate which consists of this
watch anyway today is a very special day
for you my friend put your driving pants
on and follow me out back Oh bill
Brian's about to put his homework pants
on yeah maybe now's not the best time
for a driving lesson this isn't just any
driving lesson girls well we've got to
get me out of this well I'll try but
when your father gets this worked up
it's every man for himself just come on
out what's going on no your father
brought home something he's really
excited about oh great the last time
this happened we ended up eating catfish
for three months check it out Brian I
got us a sweet new ride
and you're gonna drive us to go see it
in this crummy van build you bought this
is ours yeah what do you think Brian wow
I I Wow overwhelmed I know I know it's a
lot to take in soon as I saw it I
thought this is the car for my son this
is the car I'm gonna teach him how to
drive it that's very sweet bill but
how'd you pay for this I have did out
the new car fund let me get this
straight you use the money we set aside
for a new family car and body use 1981
party van yes you beautiful beautiful
man I don't believe this you won't give
me money to buy clothes but Brian gets a
van Lauren honey there is a difference
I'm never gonna want to cruise around in
your clothes dad clones ride this this
is way through generous well this isn't
just for you this is a great family car
and have this much money in our account
how'd you swing this I had to kick in
some of the money I was saving for a
pool table but I figured this was more
important I want Brian to have a good
reliable car you ready for your next
lesson yeah I guess right ow I gotta
take the cork screw off that chain I
don't know but it rocks it's Icarus dad
everyone's a critic
it smells like incense in here I don't
want to drive it then give me please
just tell him that you're teaching me
now this means a lot to your dad you
know let's not break his heart further
by letting him know that he's not the
tremendous teacher that I am I didn't
say tremendous you didn't need to but I
didn't ask him to buy this okay here's
the deal either you get into this sweet
sweet new ride or you be completely
selfish and break that poor man's heart
but I cannot make this decision for you
I'll be in my room get in the van
hey Linda we're right outside your
apartment come on down we got some great
news for you no we're still married just
come on down oh man are these
glow-in-the-dark star stickers on the
ceiling either that or it's rusted
through the way it's really cool really
put on a jacket cuz it's about to get
way cooler you are never picking me up
from school on this honey now we have to
Hey look what I found look bill it's a
tear clip and we're sure honey but not
to school that's an at-home clip this is
your big surprise yeah hop on it will
take you for a ride in a new wheels okay
so if you guys are driving this what are
shaggy and velma using to chase ghosts
all right captain slept this baby into
gear or take a left hand six
are you doing signaling my turn Brian
six streets not for three blocks the
people on Third Street don't need to
know our business but mom said I show
listen to your father your job right
okay Jane laughs good job right judy
judy please good job right get into your
left hand lane
it was that a courtesy wave dad that God
just let me in courtesy wave why don't
you buy the guy some flowers Tekken
mom's been teaching you to drive I'm
sorry
[Applause]
you have been teaching him
[Music]
that was hot riding around in a stinky
van while Bill and Judy argue hey you
guys I ditched me in the woods that
would have been just like high school
kids go upstairs your mom and I need to
talk you know honey you're here oh my
god judy judy why would you do this I'm
his father I'm supposed to teach him how
to drive I know when you are very good
father it's just that well maybe
teaching isn't what you do best what are
you talking about well it seems like
every time you try to teach Bryan
something you get a little what spit it
out impatient you're crazy that's just
silly and you tend to belittle and then
Bryan doesn't learn anything and that's
why I came to me my top Bryan a million
things I taught him how to ride a bike
tires shoe swim oh no you didn't what
are you saying well I may have taught
him one or two of those things which one
uh how to ride a bike and how to tie
your shoes and swim now now I know I
taught my son how to swim well you
started him off you taught him a healthy
fear of the water we've been learning
all this stuff from you well at least
that explains why he throws like a girl
that's all him brian is very smart but
he gets rattled easily if you're gonna
do this you can't jump all over for
every little mistake I just got excited
this was supposed to be a special thing
something he'd always have from me my
dad taught me how to drive and you still
can you just have to be patient good cuz
I'd hate to think the only thing I
thought my son was how to pee his name
in the snow
oh okay pal you're doing great you are
one heck of a driver kiddo now you might
want to get over to your right dad I
know what I'm doing you're right you're
right from now on I'm gonna keep my
mouth shut and let you do it your way
thanks dad
Brian your rep what never mind but why
not I will you turn off that damn turn
signal good
[Music]
bill you have to come to bed eventually
I can't sleep I totally blew it with
Brian you didn't totally blow it he's
your son you just have to remember that
where'd you get that pie in the second
fridge we don't have a second fridge oh
yeah you really wanted Miss Julie this
was probably my last chance to teach
Brian anything well you're his father a
lot of hooey is he got from you like
what look at what he's good at math
science that check ur e game with the
horses chess exactly all of the stuff I
have nothing to do with did you really
just forget the word for chess that's
late I've had a lot of pie alright where
is this second fridge Kenny a break
other men have a woman on the side I
have a second fridge could that be it's
almost midnight Brian what is going on I
thought you up in your bed sleeping I'm
Bonnie Jackson's father I just got your
son sneaking out with my daughter in
this big disgusting man brian is this
true we weren't gonna go anywhere we
were just gonna sit in the car and talk
and stuff I think the kids call that
parking you say so we're we're not up on
that lingo you are so sorry we'll take
it from here you get upstairs young man
okay I had no idea Brian was this kind
of boy neither did we Oh rest assured
we'll deal with us appropriately tonight
can I did you hear that our son snuck
out after curfew picked up a girl and
was gonna go park in
see you did teach him something I guess
I did wonder if he got a chance to try
my hard left turn sku that's physics you
wouldn't understand seems almost a shame
the punishing oh but bill if we ground
him we get the fan to ourselves for a
couple of weeks well we don't want to
send the right message which is if the
Vans a-rockin don't come a-knockin it
and if you're full up high you shouldn't
even try hey where'd you get all that
money I sold some my mom sold t-shirts
turns out your boring old memories are
worth something after all I'm a little
light right now can I borrow ten bucks
she dad here you go so sweet that you
think that you can trick Oh still the
king
[Music]
02x02 - Still Driving
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Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple trying to raise three children responsibly without sacrificing their youthfulness.
Bill and Judy Miller are a blue-collar Chicago couple trying to raise three children responsibly without sacrificing their youthfulness.