02x03 - Still the Bad Parents

[bunniefuu]

Lauren Brian let's go miss this weather

gonna break here's your lunch Oh

Bonnie's bringing me my lunch she grey

oh such a sweet girl friend I bet that

makes you feel like she's been thinking

about you all morning yeah it kind of

does you're all so dumb I made you lunch

oh that's really thoughtful oh look

honey it's teen singing sensation that

needed to rest of my shirt isn't she the

lead singer that new group no way you

leaving the house like Dan summers over

why is it so hot out does your mother

and I use a lot of hairspray in the 80s

sorry my hair was huge here there's PTA

meeting tonight when he has to go you're

the mother you're the father prove it

somebody's gotta go it's mandatory come

on bill I'm really tired I've been

working late all week well we both been

working really hard there must be some

fair way to decide who I you touched it

did not it touched me and what were you

doing while it was touching you're

touching it back fine you big baby i'll

go but you're in charge of dinner fine

for everyone bill damn can't believe I

have one of this stupid meeting whenever

I go to one of these things those pta

people make me feel like such a loser

like there are the only people who care

about their kids yeah they look at us

like we're some kind of bad pass we care

about our kids know where they are what

they're doing you're damn right we do hi

honey Oh Lauren relay

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[Applause]

[Music]

and it seems we've sorted out the

carpool drop-off problem on monday

wednesday and fridays parents will drive

up on fairmount and tuesdays and

thursdays they will use grand I know I'm

so sorry on Monday Wednesday and Friday

the parents will use grand get that

wrong and restart that w*r all over

again de you know I'd really like to

thank all the parents for joining us

tonight I know we say these meetings are

mandatory but we certainly can't force

you to come what okay well that's all

that I came here to discuss so we asked

you to write down some of your concerns

and now it's time for open for them hope

somebody's up already what's your name

uh Judy Miller well come on up here and

tell us what you'd like to discuss

tonight I'm not really a come on up here

tell your parent well sure you are come

on we won't bite what's on your mind oh

let's see um orange program no great

what are your thoughts just you know how

do we really need it

so are you suggesting that the school

should stop providing nutritious hot

lunches for children who might not

otherwise be able to afford them well

when you put it that way I am totally

flipping on this Wow I mean who wants

kids you know lug it around their lunch

box their backpacks already weighed ton

yeah yeah and that is is what I came

here to discuss tonight my daughter's

bare neck is so heavy that this morning

she fell over on her back and she was

kicking like a little beetle I thought

this was a dead issue since the school

eliminated lockers last year well I

think what mrs. Miller is saying is that

it is only a dead issue when we say it

is a dead issue that is exactly what

mrs. Miller is saying that's your so

cashing it about this why don't you help

us figure out some ideas on how to

lighten the backpack load really me sure

you can head a committee you know I was

on student council for a month well I am

just so glad you came tonight are you

kidding my husband and I fought about

who got to come tonight

oh no it's even hotter in here Judy I'm

hungry and I'm eating in my underwear

[Music]

tonight it'd be a good night for BBQ

let's start with my eyes ah i forgot

Judy's of that meeting okay nobody

touched these I need to wear them to

work tomorrow dad why can't you get the

air conditioners back out of the Attic

cuz those things weigh a ton it took me

a whole afternoon to talk your mother

into hauling them up there no one so who

wants to go back to aunt linda's place I

got air conditioning can we go that yeah

go ahead you're just giving off heat

great what's the catch well nothing I

just just want to spend some time with

my little nieces and I thought you might

enjoy my air conditioned apartment okay

and as long as you're gonna be there you

can help me organize my pictures for my

singles cruise this is sound like fun

and you already said yes now go 165

pounds yeah maybe on the moon you

looking for money it was only in there

friday afternoon for about two hours dad

son wallet I'm sorry I thought this was

mine man Brian I'm wearing boxers and if

I have to chase you things you never

wanted to see you about to escape okay

you want the truth I was looking for a

condom no come on tell me what you were

looking for I won't be mad forget it

wait wait wait what do you need a condom

for it's not for me it's for my friend

my friend needs one friend what's this

friend's name Dorian from school and I

thought you'd have one because all the

guys carry condoms in their wallet

I get it all the guys carry condoms and

their wallets and your friend wants to

be just like all the other guys yeah I

guess well sure why not i'll get you one

you know my friend like to carry one in

his wallet when he was your age thanks

dad Oh tell your friend once it's in

there he should rub the outside with

sandpaper that way the ring will start

to show right away I'm a good dad

[Music]

tension earthlings throw down your puny

w*apon oh good you're still up not only

am i up i am from Planet fenêtre Phil

guess what farmer try I was a huge hit

in the PTA meeting I'm on a committee

and not only that we all went to fend

against some of us from the meeting I

like them they like me I'm one of them

I'm a good parent you're drunk aren't

you a little so Elise Larkin she's the

president of the PTA we shared a cab and

she invited us to her half damn and I'm

busy when when PTA people invite us over

well that's too bad cuz they just got to

mail-order steaks and they have a big

ass inground swimming pool then they

have a big ass new best friend so what

do you say as good parents do something

bad oh sure you come waltzing in here

with liquor on your breath thinking you

have the right tit oh what the heck I'm

already sweating why are the condoms out

I gave one to Brian don't worry there's

plenty more

Ryan our son Brian you gave Brian a

condom no no I misspoke um I'm having an

affair with another woman but I bet you

can win me back what is right me to come

by me and Brian here from sex no he

wants it for his wallet so he can carry

it around school show his friends well

how do you know cuz that's what all guys

do it's a rite of passage trust me by

the time he gets around to using it

you'll be making out in the back seat of

a flying car sweet he just came out and

asked you for a condom for his wallet no

he told me he wanted it for a friend at

school named Orion yeah he was looking

right at the door when he said it

they've been facing the other way his

friend would have been named lampe so

you sure this is just some stupid guy

thing yes oh my baby boy has a condom

I'm gonna toss my appletinis well it's

no big yes it is I mean I know Brian's

not having sex yet but he's thinking

about having sex we need to talk to him

it's what good parents do Brian can you

come in here a sec I'm not ready to do

this sitting here in my pajamas talking

about sex who are my hair I just need to

be honest and open what if he asks says

when we started having sex we lie oh my

fee oh what's going on your mother's

been to Bennigan's

so your father told me he gave you a

condom oh my god dad I told you it's for

my friend okay sweetie it's for your

friend but I just want you to know that

is very natural for a young man to start

thinking about having intercourse

because someday you are gonna want to

have intercourse please stop saying that

word we just want you to know that there

is no shame in being a virgin not a

better word I'm just saying that sex is

not something you have to rush it's most

appropriate between two married people

it's what we do when we want to show our

love and physical desire for one another

or if we forgot to buy a birthday

present but in the meantime we all know

that there are plenty of other ways to

release your sexual urges oh now for

instant it is perfectly healthy try can

I go not yet can I oh now Brian is there

anything else you want to know about the

sexual act itself when does it end well

ideally when both I mean this talk

sweet dreams sweet boy lets you keep the

little guy have a commission for a while

well good Ryan should think i'm not

talking about Brian

you know I think Judy is right I think

the school board would take an interest

in this problem if we make them carry

around 40 pound bag packs for a day yeah

except they couldn't hurt their backs

cuz none of them have spines such a

cr*ck-up hey hey that for me oh yeah

bill these pta people are really great

they left at every stupid thing I say

yeah they're not bad I guess we can't

call him Petey a-holes anymore Elise is

really sweet she hates all the same

parents I hate except for that woman who

drives the station wagon who never says

hi to us turns out she's deaf huh finger

mean the same thing in sign language

bill you want first pick fine I'll take

all of this at least we are having a

wonderful time this is such a fun group

of people oh and it's so much more fun

with you guys here and your onion dip is

out of this world no it's out of a

package but I did stern the sour cream

myself that's what I love about you

you're such a straight sh**t that's me

papa hi mom oh hi honey I want you to

meet our new friends this is Bill and

Judy Miller meet our son Dorian is in

the same grade as your son Brian I'm

sorry did you say Torian Dorian maybe

delorean no Dorian like a door you know

Brian's a real good friend of mine here

that bill Dorian's a real friend of

brian's excuse me gotta go get some

plastic wrap from a meat

honey could you help me get a tablecloth

for that table you can't be too careful

about protecting your wood great

Doreen's real and you gave him a condom

what the hell are we gonna do now well

we're not gonna have time to eat and

then wait around to swim so we'd better

swim first now their son might be

sexually active and they need to know

that who did Judy we don't know he's

having sex he could be using that common

for anything what else do people use

condoms for smuggling heroin I'm just

saying we don't know the kids having sex

oh hey mr. mrs. Miller this is my

girlfriend Tracy Tracy of these are

Ryan's parents oh you're Brian's parents

Brian so great I hope you won't get mad

but the other night Brian really helped

us out by giving God look what's

floating in the pool the beach ball

right my mistake i thought it was a dead

clown anyway tell him thanks for giving

us the notes from chem class well

Bryan's a giver bill could you help me

could you please just help me stick me

having sex did you see this little

of a girlfriend we have got to tell his

parents oh there's no gentle way of

putting this where we're helping their

son get it on with his girlfriend I know

there's a gentler way than that

let me handle this they think of me is a

straight sh**t I'll better you than

their son you don't talk hi sure

something wrong only if you hate young

love the other day bill found our son

Brian rifling through his wallet and

turns out he wanted a condom which bill

gave him but not from my wallet I

finally ditched that about a year ago

yeah I figured what's the point that sex

in a public place was probably just a

one-time thing anyway we took that

opportunity to teach Brian about

abstinence and responsibility but all

you can do is try i mean our parents

couldn't stop us from doing what we

didn't right i was verging on my wedding

night wow really i wasn't even a virgin

on prom night uh-huh this is interesting

and a little uncomfortable why are you

telling us all this well when Brian

asked for the condom he told us it was

for his friend don't worry naturally we

thought he was lying I mean come on

Dorian who names a kid Dorian I I

interrupted you honey you're saying the

condom was for our son yes and we

thought you should know this is

ridiculous hold on Dorian could you come

over here for a moment sup this is

important so I need you to be honest

eyes please did their son Brian get you

a condom mm-hmm do you have any condoms

no are you a Tracy doing anything

inappropriate know if Brian said that

he's lying okay son you can go

we are so sorry we'd have to stand there

and watch my do that you poor bastards

we thought awesome was the liar turns

out it was yours so you remember medium

rare for me right and when broad minded

people turn they really turn where's

part of all this is telling Elise you

could kiss your ass that having to go

back for your sunglasses that was rough

she said you know Jake and Elise and all

those PTA people are supposed to be

perfect and we're supposed to be the bad

then we try to do the right thing and

they kick us out because their kids lie

to their face eyes please do you hear

music it's not all the kids were at

hello yeah oh great we're gonna have to

tell Brian his friends a big fat liar

can you get down here please just to say

this yours no that's Bonnie's we were

studying Brian you know you're not

allowed to have girls in your bill room

Bonnie Ryan where r Bonnie's books oh we

were doing research on the net I have to

go now do you need a ride no thanks I'll

just sit out and Brian we were only up

there because I was showing her a really

cool website Oh what's it called I don't

remember doc calm Brian right but

nothing happened I swear see how could

you like us how could I tell you the

truth it's too weird I can't talk to you

guys about it's too weird do you have

any idea what having sex means what if

that kind of broke and Bonnie got

pregnant are you prepared to make the

kind of decisions that you would have to

make Brian this is reality do you want

your whole life change just because i

buy the cheapest condoms i can find

what's the ensure food we're going to I

just wanted to have it in case you are

way too young to be having sex way too

young when are you old enough fine there

is no right age to have sex although

considerate children wait until their

parents are dead which judging by the

numbness in my left arm could be

sometime tonight if you wait until

you're mature and you're with someone

that you love and respect who loves and

respects you back then it's special like

it's supposed to be you understand what

we're trying to tell you Brian yeah I

think some and you know that we

absolutely do not want you having sex

right now cuz it's just not the right

time

Ryan yeah here but you said hey kit yeah

I'm gonna cut I'm gonna drink I can cry

and drink

[Music]

well starting to get a little nippy out

[Music]

[Applause]