All right, here's a list
of the Halloween candy we need.
Right. Get the fun size, not the bite size.
Oh, and no peanuts 'cause of the Perkins kid.
Okay. And, honey, don't scratch there.
This is where we shop.
Okay, I am going to go get eggs, okay, honey?
Okay. Oh, and, honey, thank you for helping.
I'm a helper.
(SIGHS)
JIM: Oh, baby!
Apparently you have no idea how important
this Halloween party is to me.
I need dry ice. I've made promises!
Aunt Dana, look at my witch cookie.
Ooh, scary.
Really good for a three-year-old.
I'm seven.
Yeah. Then not so impressive.
All right, listen, bucko,
without dry ice, my bubbling cauldron
is just my old spaghetti pot!
No, no, don't hang up on me! Don't, don't! Ah!
It's fine.
Who cares? I mean, I don't need dry ice.
It's not like my Halloween party has to be perfect.
Oh, yes, it does! It does! It does!
All right, all right, all right, make way here.
A pumpkin full of paint's coming through.
What? Okay, why?
Well, you know how the Flynn kids
drive over our pumpkin every year? Yeah.
Well, this year their treat is...
A new paint job.
Oh.
Compliments of the neighborhood crackpot.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, I thought you were raking the leaves.
Ah, I'll get to it, I'll get to it.
Hey, girls, you want to rake the leaves for Daddy?
No, Daddy! Oh, no!
All right, but I thought I heard a puppy under there.
A what? BOTH: Yay!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hi! (GIGGLES)
I know. I miss you, too. It's been three whole hours.
Okay, everybody's staring at me.
I can't talk. I'll see you in a minute.
Bye.
So, your cat learned to dial a phone?
Oh!
No, that was Hank, the guy I'm seeing.
You're dating somebody? Mmm-hmm.
Tell. Now.
Well, we've been seeing each other
for about two weeks, and I really like him,
and he's coming over, so please don't let Jim talk or be seen.
Me?
Dana, I don't chase your guys away.
When you're dating a guy, you hunt for his one flaw
and then we never see him again.
I mean, really, it's kind of pathetic.
I mean, no offense.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Why do you even bother saying "no offense"?
Allow me. Because he's a jerk.
No offense.
None taken.
You see? He hurt my feelings, then he said "no offense"
and it took the sting away.
Hey, everybody, this is Hank. Hey!
This is my brother Andy, my sister Cheryl,
and the guy she married.
(LAUGHS) Hi, Hank. Jim.
Oh, the paint in the pumpkin trick, huh?
Oh, yeah. I'll tell you, those punk kids
are not going to even see that coming
when they're driving down the road.
Yeah, I call it the classic...
Earl Scheib.
Earl Scheib! You know that? Earl Scheib!
Yeah!
Come on, Cheryl, who's the crackpot now?
(CHUCKLES) Still you, Jim.
Oh!
So, um, Hank's going to come with me
to your Halloween party as my date.
Oh, wow! You didn't RSVP "plus one,"
but I guess I can improvise.
Andy, no shrimp tonight.
Um, okay, let's go somewhere else.
Yeah, that's... Oh, can it be near a TV?
Uh, the Blackhawks are on. You guys have ESPN?
You work for the cable company?
No.
I got One, Two, and Classic.
Oh, sweet!
Can we go... All right.
Ah, this Hank is not like the other guys
that Dana's dated. (CLICKS TONGUE)
I mean, I feel like I could actually hang out with that guy.
Yeah, yeah. You know, he seems really familiar.
Yeah? He's just like Jim!
What?
Are you kidding me?
It's obvious. You guys are two peas in a pod.
Wow! She's right... (GASPS)
Dana's dating you!
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, well, well.
All these years of her putting me down, huh?
And she's dating a guy just like me.
Jim, I'm sorry to interrupt.
Thought you'd like to know, third period,
blood on the ice, gloves coming off.
Oh!
I can't get too attached.
There.
Jim, why are you smiling like that?
No reason. Just smiling.
Can't I smile?
Yeah. It's great.
Hey, let me ask you a question. Yeah?
This Hank guy... Mmm-hmm.
What's your favorite thing about him?
I don't know. Um... Everything.
Yeah, yeah.
He's kind of perfect, then, isn't he? Yeah.
I mean, so anyone like him would be perfect, too, right?
'Cause he's perfect, right? Right? Is he perfect?
I guess. Yeah. He's perfect.
He's great. Okay, okay.
Okay, I just want to take a picture of this.
(IMITATES CAMERA CLICKING)
Got it.
Come on, you guys, come on! Shake a leg.
We got a thousand things to do before the party.
Ah, relax. Everything's going to be fine.
You just don't get it, do you? What?
The Crannises have the neighborhood Christmas party.
The Meyers own New Year's Eve.
I want to own a holiday.
Have you forgotten that I lead
the St. Patrick's Day parade every year?
You and Andy running down the street
in green underwear is not a parade.
Draws a big crowd every year. (GROANS)
All right, come on, Dana.
Six dozen finger sandwiches
are not going to make themselves. Okay!
Hey, are you going to miss me?
Oh, in that outfit, you're damn right.
Well, let me leave you with this.
Whee!
Whee!
Ooh!
I'm okay!
Oh!
You guys are adorable.
Aw!
Aw!
Aren't they, though?
They are.
All right, my girls, have fun.
And be safe, okay?
Oh, thank you for doing this, Andy.
No problem. They're only this age once.
Yeah.
All right, listen up.
I want to get back before that party starts,
so the clock is ticking, all right?
Your belly starts hurting, your bag breaks,
you fall down, you're on your own.
Let's roll!
So don't you just love Hank?
Oh, I do. In fact, he's the kind of guy I might marry.
Wink, wink.
What does that mean?
Well, don't you see any similarities
between him and someone else?
You see the Russell Crowe thing, too?
Dana, Hank is just like Jim!
Jim who?
Jim, my husband Jim!
What? Yes!
No way!
Hank and Jim are nothing alike. Oh.
Hank is thoughtful and charming and romantic.
Jim's all those things.
Ah, crap on a cr*cker, I got dip on my shirt!
Yeah, they're practically twins.
Did you know Hank took me to the opera?
Really? Uh, Jim, where did you take me on our second date?
Uh, the ballet.
You took her to the ballet?
Yeah, I wanted her to think I was cultured
so I could tune in Tokyo, you know?
Okay. This is insane.
It's k*lling you, isn't it?
The guy you're dating is me!
Ah!
Oh, I hope it works out for the two of you
because I'm already taken.
(JIM LAUGHING)
You guys are so full of it!
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Let me ask you something. When you went to the opera,
was Hank familiar with any of the music?
Yes, as a matter of fact,
he sang along to a couple of the pieces.
Uh-huh. I see. Were they the actual lyrics
or dirty made-up joke lyrics?
Shut up.
Uh-uh.
You know, I may be a powerful superhero,
but, damn,
I still like to play with dolls.
You know I'm a guy?
Hi. My name's Jim. This is my house.
Guys, guys, I got the camera.
Okay, okay, you guys, pose.
Okay. (GROWLING)
Aw, it's adorable.
Cheryl, that is a great flapper outfit.
Well, thank you. Jim thought I was a dame
from a Three Stooges movie.
Yeah, you totally are.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, God, we're out of dip.
Did anybody see? Did anybody see?
I don't think so. No.
Okay, it's on the counter. Get it and put it on the snack table.
Move! Move! Move! Move!
Cheryl, stop bossing my boyfriend around.
I haven't even done that yet.
(LAUGHING) Oh. I'm sorry. He just reminds me so much of Jim.
Okay, for the last time,
Hank and Jim are nothing alike, okay?
They have no similar qualities,
they've got nothing in common,
so just drop it! Okay.
(SIGHS)
Oh, yeah.
Personal foul.
Fifteen-yard penalty for turning me on.
(SCREAMING)
Well, thank you, Irene. It was fun.
But I don't think it was as fun
as the Johnsons' Fourth of July party, do you?
Oh, well, aren't you sweet!
Yes, I will see you next year, definitely.
Okay. Bye-bye.
(EXCLAIMING) We own Halloween!
By the way, thank you for squeezing Jim's butt last night.
(GROANS) Now he's going to want me to do it.
Please just drop it.
I went through three bottles of antibacterial soap.
What did Hank say?
Oh! He actually thought it was pretty funny.
You see? He is like Jim.
Yeah, I see that now,
so that's why I dumped him.
What?
Well, I don't want a future with...
With what? Jim?
Well, it's just that I have this vision
of what I want my life to be,
and it's not this, you know.
What's wrong with this?
I mean, I got... I got a husband who loves me,
I have three beautiful, healthy kids.
I don't need you looking down your nose at me
just 'cause you can't keep a man.
Well, I can keep a chimp, Cheryl.
That doesn't mean I want one in my house.
Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have a house?
I didn't realize that because you're always here.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I just love hanging out here
and baby-sitting your kids when you and Jim go off to the
pickle convention or wherever it is he takes you.
I got you a T-shirt.
Yeah, I remember. "Pickle people do it with relish."
Yeah, it was cute.
It was stupid. I would never wear that.
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
You have to look good for no one.
Fine.
You and your ratty sweatpants
can have a nice life without me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You bought me these sweatpants, smartass!
Andy, let me ask you something.
If you hit me in the stomach really hard,
would it pop my appendix?
I'm willing to risk it.
What are you trying to get out of?
(SIGHS) Cheryl wants me to go shopping for end tables with her.
Wait, not even to buy them.
Just to get ideas.
I'm telling you, ever since those two have been fighting,
I've turned into the new Dana.
Been there.
Hey.
Cheryl?
Cheryl, what are you doing here? Hi.
Well, Dana left this at the party,
and she's not going to come get it,
so I thought maybe you could drop it off at her house.
No problem. I'll put my best man on it.
(SIGHS)
So...
So, um... What are you doing?
Well, the girls are in school,
and Kyle's at a play date.
I thought maybe you and I could grab some salads and talk.
Mmm.
Tell you what, you make it a steak and a nooner,
and I'm on board.
Oh.
Oh, would you look at that?
What?
She probably doesn't even know it's missing.
You know, she leaves this thing everywhere.
(SOBBING)
Probably lose her head if it wasn't screwed on.
Oh, Cheryl, please.
Oh, I'm... (SCOFFS) I'm fine.
Oh, you know, my sister and I
will probably just grow old separately.
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
Until we're finally brought together again
for Andy's funeral.
Andy, we have got to do something
to put these two back together.
You put them together. I'm staying out of it.
Okay, okay, then I guess you get to go with Cheryl
shopping for end tables that we're not even going to buy,
because I'm not doing both of them.
Here.
All right.
But at my funeral, I want bagpipes.
Hey, that's your day. You can have whatever you want.
Oh.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Brought your jacket.
Huh.
Cheryl didn't want to bring it herself, huh?
No, she couldn't,
'cause she's really busy with... Nah.
You want some ice cream?
What flavor? Do you care?
No.
Oh.
You know, uh... (CHUCKLES)
This is the first time you've ever shared anything with me.
Oh, well, Andy, I mean,
you're my brother. I love you.
Yikes.
Come on, Dana.
Why don't you just give Cheryl a call?
Why? So she can tell me how pathetic I am
and that I can't keep a man and I'm a failure
and I haven't showered in three days
and all my plants are dying and...
Would you stop?
What?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You've got it great.
You're a beautiful, intelligent woman,
but are you happy? No.
You're sitting here alone crying, eating ice cream,
and I've been there, Dana, three times last week.
Andy, listen... No, you listen to me.
Your problem is, Dana,
that if you can't have this perfect life
you've always dreamed about,
you don't want any life at all.
Well, wake up!
People all around you are happy.
Cheryl is happy.
She's found someone she loves.
Is he perfect? No.
Hell, no.
You want to sit around waiting
for this perfect guy all your life, that's fine.
That's your choice. Go ahead and do that.
But don't knock someone for playing a game
you won't even suit up for.
Wow. Wow.
I never tore anyone a new one before.
Do I stay? Do I go? What?
Um, stay. Please.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm going to go. Okay.
Shower.
Boy, that was a hell of a party.
Five days ago.
Okay, Cheryl.
But I can live longer like this than you can.
Girls, go to bed.
Don't forget to wash up and brush your teeth.
No, we don't want to.
I'll handle it. Your credibility is a little shaky right now.
(SIGHS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey.
Hey.
I was so stupid.
No, no, I was mean. I just...
No, no, let me just say what I have to say.
I was wrong.
I know how happy Jim makes you.
I mean, to me, he's just Jim,
but to you, he's everything.
And I want a guy who's everything.
You know, if he comes in a Jim package,
then I guess I'll just have to work with that.
Aw!
"Work" doesn't even begin to describe what I have to do with Jim.
Oh, God, I ate a quart of ice cream before dinner.
I ate two instead of dinner.
Look. (GASPS)
Oh, my God.
I know.
That really is stupid.
I know.
I missed you. Oh, I missed you, too.
Aw!
Oh, what am I going to do about Hank?
I really liked him.
I know. Call him.
I wouldn't know what to say.
I mean, we only went out for a couple weeks.
We don't know each other very well.
JIM: Three Little Pigs [/span]is just a story.
I don't know where they buy their pants.
Go to sleep!
Yep, I think you know Hank better than you think you do.
Oh, hey, Dana.
Hey.
So, the... The two of you are cool now?
Yes.
Oh, thank God.
I don't think I could spend another night
drinking herb tea and talking handbags.
So, Jim, Dana wants to make up with Hank,
but she doesn't know what to say,
so she's going to talk to you instead.
Me? Yeah.
Oh, all right.
Let me get in character here.
(BURPS)
Okay, proceed.
Okay, this is weird.
I'll be right here the whole time.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Okay.
You're Hank. Yes. Hank.
Um...
I really screwed up. Mmm-hmm.
I acted like a spoiled princess because I was feeling...
(INTERRUPTING)
You know, uh...
Dana, I'm hearing a lot of "I's,"
but not hearing any "you's."
I'm a man. You want to hold my interest? Talk about me.
You... Yeah.
Made me feel really special,
and you made me realize
what a wonderful person you are.
Am I a sexy beast?
Yes, Hank.
And we were really great together,
and I lost sight of that.
But if you give me another sh*t,
I will never do it again.
All right, well, let's see here.
I'll tell you what.
You open me up a can of cling peaches,
and you got yourself a deal.
Cling peaches?
What the heck do cling peaches...
(INTERRUPTING)
Do you want me back or not?
Yeah, you know, it won't always make sense.
All right. Cling peaches it is.
Attagirl!
RUBY: Daddy! Gracie's licking my doll's head!
GRACIE: She wiped her boogers on me!
Here we go. I'm coming up there!
You know, when I was a kid,
my mom would give me a sip of brandy
and I was out for the night.
Okay. I'm going to go over to Hank's.
Oh, good. Hey, you gonna wear the cheerleading outfit?
Yeah, of course. Cling peaches can only get me so far.
(LAUGHS)
I love you. I love you.
JIM: All right, if you two don't stop fighting,
I'm going to let the monster out of the closet!
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Girls, girls, get out from under the bed.
GRACIE: No!
JIM: All right, but that's where the snakes are.
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Hey, Daddy's... Daddy's kidding.