(All exclaiming with satisfaction)
Hey, cheryl, dinner was great.
Absolutely, honey.
Even when you bring your b game,
It's the best meal of the week.
B game?
Well, it's only tuesday. I wanna keep you motivated.
Oh!
Gracie: stop hitting me! Ruby: I'm not gonna stop hitting you!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Kids!
For the last time, would you get out from under the table?
Come on, listen to your mother now. Out.
Too late to domesticate them now. They're feral.
Ow! One bit me!
Hey, andy!
All right, come on. Out. Out. Out.
Settle down. Let's go. Out. Out. Out.
That's it.
Cheryl, what is happening at that school?
I thought they were supposed to crush their spirits.
I've got to tell you, now that the kids are gone,
As your doctor, there's something I need to tell you.
I love it when he says "as your doctor.&Quot;
You know, if you were wearing a lab coat,
I would take you on this table right now.
Jim, your sperm sample is due back from the lab
In a few days, and I think everything's gonna be good.
I've got a lab coat in the car. (Gasps) let's go.
As your doctor. As your doctor.
That is such great news. We could get pregnant.
All that work to raise your sperm count
Is finally paying off.
I'm telling you, I knew that last batch was a winner.
You know what it was?
It was the new magazines that I brought in did the trick.
That's where they went!
You stole my magazines!
Good day, sir.
Oh!
Animals! Your kids tied my shoes together!
Cheryl: andy!
Honey, just take your shoes off.
I wouldn't give those monsters the satisfaction.
(Both shrieking) (lamp breaks)
Jim: hey... Cheryl: oh, no!
All right, that's it. Come on.
Upstairs. Up to bed. Come on.
What? It's still early!
I don't care. I warned you once.
Now go to bed. Come on.
Let's go. Come on. Shake a leg.
But I love you, daddy.
I love you, too, kyle.
And if you had some real tears there,
You might have had me. Now go. Let's go.
Oh, don't look at me...
Oh, man, would you look at this mess?
I better clean it up before the kids step in it.
Wait a minute. Huh?
You hear that? What?
Exactly.
Except for the faint sounds of our children
Crying themselves to sleep,
It's quiet.
I think we just bought ourselves
Two hours of free time.
Free time?
I haven't had that since my c-section.
I mean...
What do I do with that?
Well, we can do anything we want.
The night stretches before us like a long, long...
Thing.
Allow me to introduce you
To an elegant evening of sitting.
(Gasps)
Oh... Sitting.
Mm-hmm.
I remember this. Mm-hmm.
Now just relax, sit back, and let the world come to us.
Jim: oh, baby!
Give it back! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, knock it off!
Well, back to the usual mayhem.
Why can't it be last night again?
Maybe it can.
I say we punish them on trumped-up charges
And send them to bed early.
Honey, we can't punish them for no reason.
They'll hate us for the rest of their lives.
Come on, they're gonna hate us anyway.
At least we'll be well rested.
No!
We're just gonna have to grin and bear it till : .
All right.
Daddy. Hey.
Can we have some cookies?
Cookies? Right before bedtime?
It's not bedtime.
It's not, huh?
What's that?
: . Bedtime.
But we just finished dinner.
You know, it feels that way, doesn't it?
Clocks don't lie.
Unless you think your daddy's lying.
You wouldn't lie. You're a grownup.
Exactly.
Bedtime. Come on, let's go.
Good night!
Good night, daddy.
Sweet dreams!
Have a very good night.
What...
What's all this?
This, my dear, is the beginning
Of a very romantic evening.
Where are the kids?
Oh, don't worry about them. It's bedtime.
It's not bedtime...
: ?
That's gotta be wrong.
Cheryl, clocks don't lie.
Unless you think I'm lying.
You are lying.
Exactly.
A feisty merlot for the young lady?
Oh, honey. I am all for free time,
But you can't do this.
Why not? We're parents. We can do whatever we want.
We can serve candy for breakfast if we want.
Cheryl, cheryl, come on, come on, come on.
We just found something here that might work.
Why throw it away?
Well, because it's wrong.
Oh, is it wrong,
Or did we stumble on something very right?
Hey, the kids are gonna get more sleep,
Which is better for their brains,
Better for their grades.
Next stop, harvard.
That is a very good school.
Mm-hmm.
And how about last night?
Come on, how much fun did we have?
Talking, laughing,
Chatting up andy online pretending we were a girl.
Hey, do you think he'll really show up
At the top of the sears tower
With a red carnation in his lapel?
Please. We could get him to go to omaha
And bring us back steaks.
Oh, oh, right there.
Here? Yeah?
Yeah. Right where kyle hangs on me.
(Moaning)
You know, I suppose technically
It is : somewhere.
I don't think that's true, but go on.
We can only do the clock thing once in a while,
And only when we really, really need it.
Deal! Okay, move over. My turn.
My turn, my turn. Ow! Okay!
Right here, right here, right here, right here.
Oh, yeah. Right there.
Right where andy hangs on me.
Yeah.
Hey.
There's only one sears tower in chicago, right?
Crap!
Got stood up.
Oh, well.
Maybe I'll have better luck this weekend in omaha.
Hey, while you're there...
Steaks? Please.
(Laughs) well, it's almost sundown.
Isn't it past your kids' fake bedtime?
Don't knock it. It's really great.
It's like cheryl and I are dating again.
Aw.
Except for I don't have to pretend to like her friends.
Since you've already driven them all away,
It's really not an issue.
Hey! Tell them, tell them, tell them.
Okay...
Ryan got the results of jim's fertility test,
And someone got an a.
Actually, billion a's.
Oh! Boy, I'd like to go back to high school
And throw that in their face!
It's exciting, isn't it? We can make a baby.
Yes!
And since you're right in the middle of cheryl's ovulation window, you know,
The next hours are very important,
So I suggest you do it early and often.
Okay, well, look, I gotta go. I'm on call,
But I love you. Love you.
I'll see you guys. See you, man.
Tonight's the night.
Yes! Is it ever.
Hey, dana, come here. I want to show you
The cutest maternity outfit I found in a catalogue.
Really? Yes.
All right, I'll just sit here making more soldiers
To storm the gates.
This is so exciting.
Hey, if you have a girl, what are you gonna name her?
(Sighs) dana...
Oh, that's so sweet.
Aw!
And what if it's a boy?
Dana!
I love it. It works both ways.
Are you okay?
I don't think I want to have another baby.
Oh, my god. No little dana?
But he-she is gonna be so cute.
I'm serious.
How are you gonna break it to jim?
Don't do it in bed. That's gonna send a mixed message.
I know. I can't tell him.
He really wants to have another kid.
I don't want to have another kid.
Wow.
Man, I was really looking forward to becoming an uncle.
You are an uncle.
Yeah. Um... Let's just say
Your first three chapters aren't exactly page-turners.
So what happened?
Well, these last few nights,
Spending all this time alone with jim,
It's like we're a couple again.
If we have a baby, that's over.
It'll be teething and diapers and : a.m. Feedings.
And when she does all that stuff, she wakes me up.
Jim, this is a big deal.
I mean, she wants baby-making,
And she wants it tonight.
I cannot have sex with jim tonight.
You've gotta help me.
Don't look at me. I'm not doing it.
No!
How do you make a guy not want to sleep with you?
Well, I know how I do it.
First, I make meaningful eye contact.
And?
And nothing. That usually does the trick.
Wait a minute.
How many times have I heard cheryl say,
&Quot;not now. The kids are in the room"?
That's it.
What are you doing? Grab a clock.
If I can make the kids believe that it's later,
I can make them believe that it's earlier.
I'm gonna keep them up all night.
You know, in normal families,
They sit down and talk their problems through,
But somehow it doesn't even come up as an option for you guys.
(Machine g*n fire on tv)
All right, I got some soda and candy
For my three favorite kids.
Hey! Wake up, wake up. Predator's on.
And daddy asked you to keep track of the body count.
But, daddy, we're tired.
How can you be tired? It's only : .
Wow, the kids are still up?
Yeah, they're full of pep tonight.
Hey!
Wow, I guess I have time to get started
Knitting a baby blanket then.
Although once those knitting needles
Are in my hands, it's hard to put them down.
Well, you knit as long as you need to, honey.
We may have twins.
Okay, come on, come on, get up.
Ruby, ruby, jump rope.
Over here. Jump rope. Exercise.
All right, you two, I want you to wash down
These chocolate-covered espresso beans with some soda.
Jim: good.
(Shatters)
Sorry, daddy.
That's all right. I hated that lamp anyway.
So you're not sending us to bed?
Hey, accidents will happen.
What about now?
Kids will be kids.
Oh, come on!
Fine, fine. Go to sleep.
Go on, go to bed if you want.
But just remember,
If you can't stop thinking about that guy
Who had his arm torn off...
You know where mommy and daddy's bed is.
Wow, look at this mess.
This is gonna take me all night to untangle...
Where are the kids?
They went to bed.
Finally.
Wow. So... We're alone.
Yep. I guess it's time to go ahead and make that baby.
Hey, look who's here. Dana.
What are you talking about?
I mean, I think I hear her in the kitchen.
Dana!
(Fake sobbing)
Cheryl: oh, no.
(Fake sobbing)
What's wrong? Why are you crying?
Ryan and I got in a fight.
I think the wedding might be off.
I'm so upset.
And I'm crying.
Okay.
Jim, I'm sorry.
Looks like an all-night gab fest for us girls.
Maybe you should just go to bed.
I was looking forward to creating a human life, but...
If dana's having a crisis.
God knows that never happens.
Thanks for understanding. Okay.
Come on, dana.
I hate men. I never want to talk to any of them...
(Cell phone rings)
Ryan?
You got the night off?
I'll be right there! Bring the lab coat!
Dana! What about your fight?
We made up. Have fun. Hope it's a girl.
Ready or not, here I come.
Okay.
You as hot to do this as I am?
Hot to do what?
Ski?
Oh. I'm sorry. I was kind of chilly.
Guess you don't find me very sexy now.
No, no, baby. You are always sexy.
(Whispers) damn it!
I am always sexy!
(Sighs)
Okay...
Here I come.
Wow.
All righty.
Good thing you did the laundry, huh?
Just one sec.
Okay.
All right.
My skin is cold like a corpse,
But if you still want me...
I do!
Okay!
Uh...
What?
This has never happened to me before.
I just can't answer the call.
What? What's wrong?
I don't know.
Maybe it's the pressure of wanting something so bad.
Oh, honey, don't feel bad.
Remember, it even happened to coach ditka.
Jim?
I really don't feel like talking right now.
Remember how when pinocchio lied, his nose grew?
Ah, damn it!
As soon as that second sweater came off,
There was no turning back!
Well, honey, why did you lie?
Well, cheryl, this is gonna be very hard for me to say,
But I want a divorce.
What?
Okay, I don't want a divorce,
But what I have to say now won't sound as bad.
I don't think I want to have another kid.
You don't?
No, but I know you really do...
No, no. I don't either.
Really? Yes!
I thought you'd be so disappointed.
I thought you'd be crushed.
That's why I didn't say anything to you,
Because I knew it would hurt your feelings.
Oh!
That is so sweet. We lied out of love.
Careful. Don't get too close.
Pinocchio's gonna turn into a real boy.
Oh.
You know what happened?
We were spending so much time together,
I found us again.
Yeah, I really liked us. I missed us, too.
Remember cheryl and jim who started it all?
I know. They're fun.
We should have them over for dinner.
Not dinner. You know how I feel about guests.
(Laughs)
So...
It's official then, huh?
No more babies.
Guess not.
Wow.
Yeah.
Well, that baby we've been talking about all year...
What's gonna happen to him?
I guess someone else will get her.
Well, as long as he's got good parents like us.
Aw... She will.
Hey, do you hear that?
What?
Exactly.
It's just the two of us.
Let's enjoy the time while we got it.
Oh, honey.